"Once on a time there was a goody who had a son called Matthew, but he
was so stupid that he had no sense for anything, nor would he do much
either; and the little he did was always topsy-turvy and never right,
and so they never called him anything but 'Silly Matt.'
"All this the goody thought bad; and it was still worse she thought that
her son idled about and never turned his hand to anything else than
yawning and stretching himself between the four walls.
"Now close to where they lived ran a great river, and the stream was
strong and bad to cross. So, one day, the goody said to the lad, there
was no lack of timber there, for it grew almost up to the cottage-wall;
he must cut some down and drag it to the bank and try to build a bridge
over the river and take toll, and then he would both have something to
do and something to live upon besides.
"Yes! Matt thought so too, for his mother had said it; what she begged
him do, he would do. That was safe and sure he said, for what she said
must be so and not otherwise. So he hewed down timber and dragged it
down and built a bridge. It didn't go so awfully fast with the work, but
at any rate he had his hands full while it went on.
"When the bridge was ready, the lad was to stand down at its end and
take toll of those who wanted to cross, and his mother bade him be sure
not to let any one over unless they paid the toll. It was all the same,
she said, if it were not always in money. Goods and wares were just as
good pay.
"So the first day came three chaps with each his load of hay, and wanted
to cross the bridge.
"'No! no!' said the lad; 'you can't go over till I've taken the toll.'
"'We've nothing to pay it with,' they said.
"'Well, then! you can't cross; but it's all the same, if it isn't money.
Goods will do just as well.'
"So they gave him each a wisp of hay, and he had as much as would go on
a little hand-sledge, and then they had leave to pass over the bridge.
"Next came a pedlar with his pack, who sold needles and thread, and such
like small wares, and he wanted to cross.
"'You can't cross, till you have paid the toll,' said the lad.
"'I've nothing to pay it with,' said the pedlar.
"'You have wares, at any rate.'
"So the pedlar took out two needles and gave them him, and then he had
leave to cross the bridge. As for the needles, the lad stuck them into
the hay, and soon set off home.
"So when he got home, he said, 'Now, I have taken the toll, and got
something to live on.'
"'What did you get?' asked the goody.
"'Oh!' said he, 'there came three chaps, each with his load of hay. They
each gave me a wisp of hay, so that I got a little sledge-load; and
next, I got two needles from a pedlar.'
"'What did you do with the hay?' asked the goody.
"'I tried it between my teeth; but it tasted only of grass, so I threw
into the river.'
"'You ought to have spread it out on the byre-floor,' said the goody.
"'Well! I'll do that next time, mother,' he said.
"'And what then did you do with the needles?' said the goody.
"'I stuck them in the hay!'
"'Ah!' said his mother. 'You _are_ a born fool. You should have stuck
them in and out of your cap.'
"'Well! don't say another word, mother, and I'll be sure to do so next
time.'
"Next day, when the lad stood down at the foot of the bridge again,
there came a man from the mill with a sack of meal, and wanted to cross.
"'You can't cross till you pay the toll,' said the lad.
"'I've no pence to pay it with,' said the man.
"'Well! You can't cross,' said the lad; 'but goods are good pay.' So he
got a pound of meal, and the man had leave to cross.
"Not long after came a smith, with a horse-pack of smith's work, and
wanted to cross; but it was still the same.
"'You mustn't cross till you've paid the toll,' said the lad. But he too
had no money either; so he gave the lad a gimlet, and then he had leave
to cross.
"So when the lad got home to his mother, the toll was the first thing
she asked about.
"'What did you take for toll to-day?'
"'Oh! there came a man from the mill with a sack of meal, and he gave me
a pound of meal; and then came a smith, with a horse-load of
smith's-work, and he gave me a gimlet.'
"'And pray what did you do with the gimlet?' asked the goody.
"'I did as you bade me, mother,' said the lad. 'I stuck it in and out of
my cap.'
"'Oh! but that was silly,' said the goody; 'you oughtn't to have stuck
it out and in your cap; but you should have stuck it up your
shirt-sleeve.'
"'Ay! ay! only be still, mother; and I'll be sure to do it next time.'
"'And what did you do with the meal, I'd like to know?' said the goody.
"'Oh! I did as you bade me, mother. I spread it over the byre-floor.'
"'Never heard anything so silly in my born days,' said the goody; 'why,
you ought to have gone home for a pail and put it into it.'
"'Well! well! only be still, mother,' said the lad; 'and I'll be sure to
do it next time.'
"Next day the lad was down at the foot of the bridge to take toll, and
so there came a man with a horse-load of brandy, and wanted to cross.
"'You can't cross till you pay the toll,' said the lad.
"'I've got no money,' said the man.
"'Well, then, you can't cross; but you have goods, of course;' said the
lad. Yes; so he got half a quart of brandy, and that he poured up his
shirt-sleeve.
"A while after came a man with a drove of goats, and wanted to cross the
bridge.
"'You can't cross till you pay the toll,' said the lad.
"Well! he was no richer than the rest. He had no money; but still he
gave the lad a little billy-goat, and he got over with his drove. But
the lad took the goat and trod it down into a bucket he had brought with
him. So when he got home, the goody asked again--
"'What did you take to-day?'
"'Oh! there came a man with a load of brandy, and from him I got a pint
of brandy.'
"'And what did you do with it?'
"'I did as you bade me, mother; I poured it up my shirt-sleeve.'
"'Ay! but that was silly, my son; you should have come home to fetch a
bottle and poured it into it.'
"'Well! well! be still this time, mother, and I'll be sure to do what
you say next time,' and then he went on--
"'Next came a man with a drove of goats, and he gave me a little
billy-goat, and that I trod down into the bucket.'
"'Dear me!' said his mother, 'that was silly, and sillier than silly, my
son; you should have twisted a withy round its neck, and led the
billy-goat home by it.'
"'Well! be still, mother, and see if I don't do as you say next time.'
"Next day he set off for the bridge again to take toll, and so a man
came with a load of butter, and wanted to cross. But the lad said 'he
couldn't cross unless he paid toll.'
"'I've nothing to pay it with,' said the man.
"'Well! then you can't cross,' said the lad; 'but you have goods, and
I'll take them instead of money.'
"So the man gave him a pat of butter, and then he had leave to cross the
bridge, and the lad strode off to a grove of willows and twisted a
withy, and twined it round the butter, and dragged it home along the
road; but so long as he went he left some of the butter behind him, and
when he got home there was none left.
"'And what did you take to-day?' asked his mother.
"'There came a man with a load of butter, and he gave a pat.'
"'Butter!' said the goody, 'where is it?'
"'I did as you bade me, mother,' said the lad. 'I tied a withy round the
pat and led it home; but it was all lost by the way.'
"'Oh!' said the goody, 'you were born a fool, and you'll die a fool. Now
you are not one bit better off for all your toil; but had you been like
other folk, you might have had both meat and brandy, and both hay and
tools. If you don't know better how to behave, I don't know what's to be
done with you. Maybe, you might be more like the rest of the world, and
get some sense into you if you were married to some one who could settle
things for you, and so I think you had better set off and see about
finding a brave lass; but you must be sure you know how to behave well
on the way and to greet folk prettily when you meet them.'
"'And pray what shall I say to them?' asked the lad.
"'To think of your asking that,' said his mother. 'Why, of course, you
must bid them "God's Peace," Don't you know that?'
"'Yes! yes! I'll do as you bid,' said the lad; and so he set off on his
way to woo him a wife.
"So, when he had gone a bit of the way, he met Greylegs, the wolf, with
her seven cubs; and when he got so far as to be alongside them, he stood
still and greeted them with 'God's Peace!' and when he had said that, he
went home again.
"'I said it all as you bade me, mother,' said Matt.
"'And what was that?' asked his mother.
"'God's Peace,' said Matt.
"'And pray whom did you meet?'
"'A she wolf with seven cubs; that was all I met,' said Matt.
"'Ay! ay! You are like yourself,' said his mother. 'So it was, and so it
will ever be. Why in the world did you say "God's Peace" to a wolf. You
should have clapped your hands and said--"Huf! huf! you jade of a
she-wolf!" That's what you ought to have said.'
"'Well! well! be still, mother,' he said. 'I'll be sure to say so
another time;' and with that he strode off from the farm, and when he
had gone a bit on the way, he met a bridal train. So he stood still when
he had got well up to the bride and bridegroom, and clapped his hands
and said: 'Huf! huf! you jade of a she-wolf!' After that he went home to
his mother and said--
"'I did as you bade me mother; but I got a good thrashing for it, that I
did.'
"'What was it you did?' she asked.
"'Oh! I clapped my hands and called out, "Huf! huf! you jade of a
she-wolf!"'
"'And what was it you met?'
"'I met a bridal train.'
"'Ah! you are a fool, and always will be a fool,' said his mother. 'Why
should you say such things to a bridal train. You should have said,
"Ride happily, bride and bridegroom."'
"'Well! well! See if I don't say so next time,' said the lad, and off he
went again.
"So he met a bear, who was taking a ride on a horse, and Matt waited
till he came alongside him, and then he said 'A happy ride to you, bride
and bridegroom,' and then he went back to his mother and told her how he
had said what she bade him.
"'And pray! what was it you said?' she asked.
"'I said, 'A happy ride to you both, bride and bridegroom.'
"'And whom did you meet?'
"'I met a bear taking a ride on a horse,' said Matt.
"'My goodness! what a fool you are,' said his mother. 'You ought to have
said, "To the de'il with you." That's what you ought to have said.'
"'Well! well! mother. I'll be sure to say so next time.'
"So he set off again, and this time he met a funeral; and when he had
come well up to the coffin, he greeted it and said, 'To the de'il with
you!' and then he ran home to his mother, and told her he had said what
she bade him.
"'And what was that?' she asked.
"'Oh! I said, 'To the de'il with you."'
"'And what was it you met?'
"'I met a funeral,' said Matt; 'but I got more kicks than halfpence!'
"'You didn't get half enough,' said the goody. 'Why, of course, you
ought to have said, "May your poor soul have mercy." That's what you
ought to have said.'
"Ay! ay! mother! so I will next time, only be still,' said Matt, and off
he went again.
"So when he had gone a bit of the way he fell on two ugly gipsies who
were skinning a dog. So when he came up to them he greeted them and
said, 'May your poor soul have mercy,' and when he had said so he went
home and told his mother he had said what she bade him; but all he got
was such a drubbing he could scarce drag one leg after the other.
"'But what was it you said?' asked the goody.
"'May your poor soul have mercy; that was what I said.'
"'And whom did you meet?'
"'A pair of gipsies skinning a dog,' he said.
"'Well! well!' said the goody. 'There's no hope of your changing. You'll
always be a shame and sorrow to us wherever you go. I never heard such
shocking words. But now, you must set out and take no notice of any one
you meet, for you must be off to woo a wife, and see if you can get some
one who knows more of the ways of the world and has a better head on her
shoulders than yours. And now you must behave like other folk, and if
all goes well you may bless your stars, and bawl out, Hurrah!'
"Yes, the lad did all that his mother bade him. He set off and wooed a
lass, and she thought he couldn't be so bad a fellow after all; and so
she said, 'Yes, she would have him.'
"When the lad got home the goody wanted to know what his sweetheart's
name was; but he did not know. So the goody got angry and said, he must
just set off again, for she would know what the girl's name was. So when
Matt was going home again he had sense enough to ask her what she was
called. 'Well,' she said, 'my name is Solvy; but I thought you knew it
already.'
"So Matt ran off home, and as he went he mumbled to himself,
"'Solvy, Solvy,
Is my darling!
Solvy, Solvy,
Is my darling?'
"But just as he was running as hard as he could to reach home before he
forgot it, he tripped over a tuft of grass, and forgot the name again.
So when he got on his feet again he began to search all round the
hillock, but all he could find was a spade. So he seized it and began to
dig and search as hard as he could, and as he was hard at it up came an
old man.
"'What are you digging for?' said the man. 'Have you lost anything
here?'
"'Oh yes! oh yes! I have lost my sweetheart's name, and I can't find it
again.'
"'I think her name is Solvy,' said the man.
"'Oh yes, that's it,' said Matt, and away he ran with the spade in his
hand, bawling out,
"'Solvy, Solvy,
Is my darling!'
"But when he had gone a little way he called to mind that he had taken
the spade, and so he threw it behind him, right on to the man's leg.
Then the man began to roar and bemoan himself as though he had a knife
stuck in him, and then Matt forgot the name again, and ran home as fast
as he could, and when he got there, the first thing his mother asked
was--
"'What's your sweetheart's name?'
"But Matt was just as wise as when he set out, for he did not know the
name any better the last than the first time.
"'You are the same big fool, that you are,' said the goody. 'You won't
do any better this time either. But now I'll just set off myself and
fetch the girl home, and get you married. Meanwhile you must fetch water
up to the fifth plank all round the room, and wash it, and then you must
take a little fat and a little lean, and the greenest thing you can find
in the cabbage garden, and boil them all up together; and when you have
done that you must put yourself into fine feather, and look smart when
your lassie comes, and then you may sit down on the dresser.'
"Yes, all that Matt thought he could do very well. He fetched water and
dashed it about the room in floods, but he couldn't get it to stand
above the fourth plank, for when it rose higher it ran out. So he had to
leave off that work. But now you must know, they had a dog whose name
was 'Fat,' and a cat whose name was 'Lean;' both these he took and put
into the soup-kettle. As for the greenest thing in the garden, it was a
green gown which the goody had meant for her daughter-in-law; that he
cut up into little bits, and away it went into the pot; but their little
pig, which was called 'All,' he cooked by himself in the brewing tub.
And when Matt had done all this he laid hands on a pot of treacle and
and a feather pillow. Then he first of all rubbed himself all over with
the treacle, and then he tore open the pillow and rolled himself in the
feathers, and then he sat down on the dresser out in the kitchen, till
his mother and the lassie came.
"Now the first thing the goody missed when she came to her house was the
dog, for it always used to meet her out of doors. The next thing was the
cat, for it always met her in the porch, and when the weather was right
down good and the sun shone, she even came out into the yard, and met
her at the garden gate. Nor could she see the green gown she had meant
for her daughter-in-law either, and her piggy-wiggy, which followed her
grunting wherever she went, he was not there either. So she went in to
see about all this; but as soon as ever she lifted the latch, out poured
the water through the doorway like a waterfall, so that they were almost
borne away by the flood, both the goody and the lassie.
"So they had to go round by the back door, and when they got inside the
kitchen there sat that figure of fun all befeathered.
"'What have you done?' said the goody.
"'I did just as you bade me, mother,' said Matt. 'I tried to get the
water up to the fifth plank, but as fast as ever I poured it in it ran
out again, and so I could only get up as high as the fourth plank.'
"'Well! well! but "Fat" and "Lean," said the goody, who wished to turn
it off; 'what have you done with them?'
"'I did as you bade me, mother,' said Matt. 'I took and put them into
the soup-kettle. They both scratched and bit, and they mewed and whined,
and Fat was strong and kicked against it; but he had to go in at last
all the same; and as for "All," he's cooking by himself in the brewing
tub in the brew-house, for there wasn't room for him in the
soup-kettle.'
"'But what have you done with that new green gown I meant for my
daughter-in-law?' said the goody, trying to hide his silliness.
"'Oh! I did as you bade me, mother. It hung out in the cabbage-garden,
and as it was the greatest thing there, I took it and cut it up small,
and yonder it boils in the soup.'
"Away ran the goody to the chimney-corner, tore off the pot and turned
it upside down with all that was in it. Then she filled it anew and put
it on to boil. But when she had time to look at Matt she was quite
shocked.
"'Why is it you are such a figure?' she cried.
"'I did as you bade me, mother,' said Matt. 'First I rubbed myself all
over with treacle to make myself sweet for my bride, and then I tore
open the pillow and put myself into fine feathers.'
"Well, the goody turned it off as well as she could, and picked off the
feathers from her son, and washed him clean, and put fresh clothes on
him.
"So at last they were to have the wedding, but first Matt was to go to
the town and sell a cow to buy things for the bridal. The goody had told
him what he was to do, and the beginning and end of what she said was,
he was to be sure to get something for the cow. So when he got to the
market with the cow, and they asked what he was to have for her, they
could get no other answer out of him than that he was to have
_something_ for her. So at last came a butcher, who begged him to take
the cow and follow him home, and he'd be sure to give him _something_
for her. Yes, Matt went off with the cow, and when he got to the
butcher's house the butcher spat into the palm of Matt's hand, and
said--
"'There, you have something for your cow, but look sharp after it.'
"So off went Matt as carefully as if he trode on eggs, holding his hand
shut; but when he had got about as far as the cross-road, which led to
their farm, he met the parson, who came driving along.
"'Open the gate for me, my lad,' said the parson.
"So the lad hastened to open the gate, but in doing so he forgot what he
had in his palm, and took the gate by both hands, so that what he got
for the cow was left sticking on the gate. So when he saw it was gone he
got cross, and said, his reverence had taken _something_ from him.
"But when the parson asked him if he had lost his wits, and said he had
taken nothing from him, Matt got so wrath he killed the parson at a
blow, and buried him in a bog by the wayside.
"So when he got home he told his mother all about it, and she
slaughtered a billy-goat, and laid it where Matt had laid the parson,
but she buried the parson in another place. And when she had done that
she hung over the fire a pot of brose, and when it was cooked she made
Matt sit down in the ingle and split matches. Meantime she went up on
the roof with the pot and poured the brose down the chimney, so that it
streamed over her son.
"Next day came the sheriff. So when the sheriff asked him, Matt did not
gainsay that he had slain the parson, and more, he was quite ready to
show the sheriff where he had laid 'his reverence.' But when the sheriff
asked on what day it happened, Matt said 'it was the day when it rained
brose over the whole world.'
"So when he got to the spot where he had buried the parson the sheriff
pulled out the billy-goat, and asked--
"'Had your parson horns?'
"Now when the judges heard the story, they made up their minds that the
lad was quite out of his wits, and so he got off scot free.
"So after all the bridal was to stand, and the goody had a long talk
with her son, and bade him be sure to behave prettily when they sat at
table. He was not to look too much at the bride, but to cast an eye at
her now and then. Peas he might eat by himself, but he must share the
eggs with her, and he was not to lay the leg bones by his side on the
table, but to place them tidily on his plate.
"Yes, Matt would do all that, and he did it well; yes, he did all that
his mother bade him, and nothing else. First, he stole out to the
sheepfold, and plucked the eyes out of all the sheep and goats he could
find, and took them with him. So when they went to dinner he sat with
his back to his bride; but all at once he cast a sheep's eye at her so
that it hit her full in her face; and a little while after he cast
another, and so he went on. As for the eggs he ate them all up to his
own cheek, so that the lassie did not get a taste, but when the peas
came he shared them with her. And when they had eaten a while Matt put
his feet together, and up on his plate went his legs.
"At night, when they were to go to bed, the lassie was tired and weary,
for she thought it no good to have such a fool for her husband. So she
said she had forgotten something and must go out a little; but she could
not get Matt's leave; he would follow her, for to tell the truth, he was
afraid she would never come back.
"'No! no! lie still, I say,' said the bride. 'See, here's a long
hair-rope; tie it round me, and I'll leave the door ajar. So if you
think I'm too long away you have only to pull the rope and then you'll
drag me in again.'
"Yes, Matt was content with that; but as soon as the lassie got out into
the yard she caught a billy-goat and untied the rope and tied it round
him.
"So when Matt thought she was too long out of doors he began to haul in
the rope, and so he dragged the billy-goat up into bed to him. But when
he had lain a while, he bawled out--
"'Mother! mother! my bride has horns like a billy-goat!'
"'Stuff! silly boy to lie and bewail yourself,' said his mother. 'It's
only her hair-plaits, poor thing, I'm sure.'
"In a little while Matt called out again--
"'Mother! mother! my bride has a beard like a goat.'
"'Stuff! silly boy to lie there and rave,' said the goody.
"But there was no rest in that house that night, for in a little while
Matt screeched out that his bride was like a billy-goat all over. So
when it grew towards morning the goody said--
"'Jump up, my son, and make a fire.'
"So Matt climbed up to a shelf under the roof, and set fire to some
straw and chips, and other rubbish that lay there. But then such a smoke
rose, that he couldn't bear it any longer indoors. He was forced to go
out, and just then the day broke. As for the goody, she too had to make
a start of it, and when they got out the house was on fire, so that the
flames came right out at the roof.
"'Good luck! good luck! Hip, hip, hurrah!' roared out Matt, for he
thought it fine fun to have such an ending to his bridal feast."