"Once on a time there was a clerk in our parish, who was very sharp set
after all that was nice and good. All the parish said his brains were in
his belly, for though he was very fond of pretty girls and buxom wives,
still he liked good meat and drink even better.
"'Aye, aye,' said our clerk; 'one can't live long on love and the south
wind.' That was his motto, and that was why he kept company most with
well-to-do-house-wives, with those who were new wedded, or with pretty
lasses who were sure to marry rich husbands, for there you were sure to
find titbits both of beauty and food. That was what our clerk thought.
It wasn't every one, indeed, who thought it so fine to have such a
cupboard lover, but yet there were some who looked on it as fine enough
for them, for, after all, a parish clerk stands a little higher than a
farmer.
"Now it fell out there was a rich young lass who had married our clerk's
next-door neighbour. There he crept in and out, and soon got good
friends with the husband, and better friends still with his wife. When
the husband was at home all went well between them, but as soon as he
was away at the mill, or in the wood, or at floating timber, or at a
meeting, the goody sent word to the clerk, and then the two spent the
day in revelling and mirth. There was no one who found this out, before
the ploughboy got wind of it, and he thought he would just speak of it
to his master; but, somehow or other, he couldn't find a fitting time
till one day when they were together in the outfield gathering leaves
for litter. There they chatted this and that about lasses and wives, and
the master thought he had made a lucky hit in marrying such a rich and
pretty wife, and he said as much outright.
"'Thank God, she is both good and clever.'
"'Aye, aye,' said the lad; 'every man is welcome to believe what he
likes, but if you knew her as well as I do, you wouldn't say such words
at random. Pretty women are like wind in warm summer weather.
'And love is such that, willy, nilly,
It takes up with a clerk as well as a lily.'
"'What's that you say?' said the man.
"'I have long thought I would tell you that there's a black bull that
walks hoof to hoof and horn to horn with that milk-white cow in your
mead, master--that's what I wanted to say.'
"'One can say much in a summer day,' said the man; 'but I can't
understand what this points to.'
"'Is it so?' said the lad. 'Well, I have long thought of telling you
that our clerk is often and ever in our house with the mistress, and how
they lived as though there was a bridal every day, while we scarce get
so much as the leavings of their good cheer.'
"'He who will ever taste and try,
Will burn his fingers in the pie,'
said his master. 'I don't believe a word of what you say.'
"'It's a strange ear that will never hear,' said the lad; 'but seeing is
believing, and if you will listen to me, I'm ready to wager ten dollars
that you shall soon have the proof in your own hands.'
"'Done,' said the master; 'he would bet ten dollars; nay, for that
matter, he would bet horse and farm, and a hundred dollars into the
bargain.'
"Well, that wager was to stand. 'But an old fox is hard to hunt,' said
the lad, and so his master must say and do all that his ploughboy
wished. When they got home he was to say they must set off for the river
and land timber, and his wife must put up some food for them in hot
haste; it was best to look out while the weather was fine, it might turn
to storm in a trice. Yes! That was what the husband said, and the food
was ready to the minute. The lad put the horses to the timber drags, and
off they went, but no farther than half a mile; there they put the
horses up at a farm, and turned in themselves. As the night came on they
went back, and when they got home, the door was locked fast.
"'Now we have him,' said the lad; 'it's hard to keep off the field to
which one is wont.'
"So they went by the back way from the garden, and so through a
trap-door in the cellar into the kitchen. Then they struck a light and
went into the parlour, and saw what they saw. Well! our clerk had eaten
so well that he lay snoring with his mouth open and his nose in the air;
as for the goody, she was not awake either.
"'Now you see I was right; seeing is believing, master,' said the lad.
"'May I never speak the truth again,' said the man, 'if I would have
believed ten men telling it.'
"'Hush, be still,' said the lad, and took him out again.
"'Man's law is not land's law,' said the lad; 'but even a bear can be
tamed if you know how to deal with him. Have you any lead, master?
"Yes! He had, he was sure, more than seventy bullets in his pouch. Then
it was all right. They took a sauce-pan, and melted the lead on the
spot, and ran it down our clerk's throat.
"'Every man has his own taste,' said the lad, 'and that's why all meat
is eaten,' as he heard the molten lead bubbling and frizzling in our
clerk's throat.
"Then they went out by the way they got in, and began to knock and
thunder at the front door. The wife woke up and asked who was there.
"'It is I, open the door, I say,' said the husband.
"Then she gave our clerk a nudge in the ribs. 'It is the master; the
master is back,' she said. But no! he did not mind her, and never so
much as stirred. Then she put her knees to his side, and tumbled him on
to the floor, and jumped up and took him by the legs, and dragged him to
the heap of wood behind the stove, and there she hid him. Till she had
done that she had no time to open the door to her husband.
"'Were you gone after christening water, that you were gone so long?'
asked the man.
"'Oh!' she answered; 'I dozed off again to sleep, and I did not think it
could ever be you either.'
"'Well!' said her husband; 'now you must bring out some food, for me and
the boy, we are a'most starved.'
"'I've got no food ready,' said the goody. 'How can you think of such a
thing? I never thought you would be back either to-day or to-morrow. Why
you know you were to go to the river to land timber.'
"'One can't hang a hungry man up on the wall like a clock,' said the
lad; 'and self-help is the best help; shall I bring in the food we
packed up, master.'
"Yes; they did that, and they sat down to eat out of the knapsack; but
when they got up to put a log or two on the fire, there lay our clerk
among the pile of wood.
"'Why who in the world is this?' asked the man.
"'Oh! oh! It's only a beggar man who came here so late and begged for
house-room; he was quite content if he might only lie among the
firewood,' said the goody.
"'A pretty beggar,' said the man; 'why he has got silver buckles to his
shoes, and silver buttons at his knees.'
"'All are not beggars who are tattered and torn,' said the lad; 'but I'm
blessed if this isn't our parish clerk.'
"'What was he doing here, mistress,' asked her husband, who all the
while kept on pulling and kicking at him. But our clerk never so much as
stirred or lifted a finger, There stood the goody fumbling and
stammering, and not knowing what to say. All she could do was to bite
her thumb.
"'I see it in your face, what you have done, mistress,' said her
husband. 'But life is hard to lose, and, after all, he was our parish
clerk. If I did what was right, I should send off at once for the
sheriff.'
"'Heaven help us,' said his wife; 'only get our clerk out of the way.'
"'This is your matter, and not mine,' said the man. 'I never asked him
hither, nor sent for him; but if you can get any one to help you to get
rid of him, I won't stand in your way.'
"Then she took the lad on one side, and said,--
"'I've laid up some woollen stuff for my husband, but I'll give it to
you for clothes, if you'll only get our clerk buried, so that he shall
never be seen or heard of again.'
"'There's no saying what one can do till one tries. If we drive in the
frost, we shall find it slippery, to our cost. Have you ropes and cord,
master? if so, I'll see if I can't cure this.'
"Well! he got our clerk fast in a slipknot, threw him on his back,
caught up his hat as well, and away he went. But he hadn't gone far
along the path in the meadow when he met some horses; so he caught one
of these, and tied and bound our clerk fast on his back. He put his hat,
too, on his head, and his hand down on his thigh, and there he sat
upright, and jogged up and down just as a man on horseback.
"'One may kill trolls at any time of night,' said the lad, when he got
home; 'who can say when a man is 'fey.' But he will never rise up who is
safe buried under ground, and the cock that is slain crows never again.'
"Now, whether all this were true or no, there was a way from the meadow
across the fields to a barn, and along it they had carted hay, and
dropped it as they went along; so the horse went that way, picking up
the hay as he went, and out in that barn were two men watching for
thieves who used to steal the hay, for it had been a bad year for
fodder.
"'Here comes the thief,' they said, when they heard the horse's hoofs;
'now we shall catch him.'
"'Who's there,' they called out, so that it rang against the hillside.
No! there was no answer, the horse paid little heed, and our clerk less.
"'If you don't answer I'll send a bullet through your brains, you
horse-thief,' they both called out, and then off went the gun, at which
the horse gave such a sudden jump, that our clerk gave a bob, and fell
bump on the ground.
"'I think,' said one of the watchers, as he jumped up to look, 'I think
you've shot him dead as mutton;' and then, when he saw who it was, 'Oh
Lord!' he said, 'if it ain't our parish clerk. You ought to have aimed
at his legs, and not killed him outright.'
"'What's done is done, and can't be helped,' said the other. 'Least said
soonest mended. We must keep our ears close, and bury him for a little
while among the hay in the barn.'
"Yes! They did that, and when it was over, they lay them down to rest.
In a little while came some one puffing and stamping, that the field
shook again. The two who lay among the hay nudged one another, for they
thought it was thieves again. Close to the barn was a stepping-stone,
and there the new-comer sat down with his load, and began to talk to
himself. He had been killing pigs at a farm a few days before, and
thought he had been paid too little for his work, too little pay and too
little board, and so he had set off and stolen the biggest porker. 'He
that swaps with a bear always comes worst off,' he said; 'and so it's
best to help one's self to what is right, and a little share is better
than a long law-suit. But, bitter death! If I haven't forgotten my
gloves; if they find them at the farm, they'll soon find out who has
inherited their porker.' And, as he said this, he bolted back after his
gloves.
"The two who were in the barn lay and listened to all this.
"'He who lays traps for others, comes into the trap himself,' said one.
"'There's no sin in stealing from a thief,' said the other; 'and no one
is hanged, save those who can't steal right. It would be fine fun to get
rid of our clerk in an easy way, and get a fat pig instead. I think, old
chap, we had better make a swap.'
"The other burst out laughing at this, and so they tumbled the pig out
of the sack and tossed in our clerk, head foremost, hat and all, and
tied up the mouth of the sack as tight as they could.
"Just as they had done, back came the thief flying with his gloves,
snatched up the sack, and strode off home. There he cast the sack down
on the floor at his goody's feet.
"'Here's what I call a porker, old lass,' he said.
"'How grand!' said the goody. 'Nothing is all very fine to the eye, but
not to the mouth. One can't get on without meat, for meat is man's
strength. Thank Heaven we have now a bit of meat in the house, and shall
be able to live well awhile.'
"'I took the biggest I could,' said the man, who sat down in his
armchair, and puffed and wiped the sweat off his brow. 'He had both
breeches and drawers, he was well covered, that he was.' By which he
meant the pig was well fed and fat. Then he went on, 'Have you any meat
in the house, old lass?'
"'No,' she said; 'meat! where should I get meat?'
"'Make up the fire then,' said the man; 'and sharpen your knife, and cut
off a wee bit, and fry it with salt, and let's have a pork chop.'
"She did as he bade, and tore open the mouth of the sack, and was just
going to cut off a steak.
"'What's all this?' she cried. 'He has got his trotters on,' when she
saw his shoes; 'and he's as black as a coal.'
"'Don't you know,' said her husband; 'all cats are grey in the dark, and
all pigs black.'
"'I dare say,' she said; 'but black or white is always bright, and a fog
is not like a bilberry. This pig has got breeches on.'
"'Plague take him!' said the man. 'I know well enough he is covered with
fat all down his legs. Haven't I carried him till the sweat ran down my
face?'
"'Nay, nay!' said the goody. 'He has silver buckles in his shoes, and
silver buttons at his knees. My! if it isn't our Parish Clerk!' she
screamed out.
"'I tell you it was a fat pig I took,' said the man, as he jumped up to
see how things stood. 'Well! Well! Seeing is believing.' It was our
clerk, both with shoes and buckles; but, for all, he stuck to it, it was
the fattest pig he had put into the sack.
"'But what's done can't be undone,' he said; 'the best servant is one's
own self; but, for all that, help is good, even if it comes out of the
porridge-pot; wake up our Mary, old girl.'
"Now you must know Mary was their daughter, a ready and trusty lass; she
had the strength of a man too, and always had her wits about her. So she
was to take our clerk and bury him in an out-of-the-way dale, so that
nothing should ever be heard of him. If she did this, she was to have a
new suit of working clothes, which were meant for her mother.
"Well! The lassie took our clerk round the body, tossed him on her back,
and strode off from the farm, not forgetting to take his hat. But when
she had gone a bit of the way, she heard a fiddle going, for there was a
dance at a farm near the road, and so she crept in and set our clerk
down upright behind the back-stairs. There he sat with his hat between
his hands, just as though he were begging an alms, and leaning against
the wall and a post.
"After a while came a girl in a flurry.
"'I wonder whoever this can be,' she said. 'The master of the house is
as grey as a goose, but this fellow is black as a raven. Halloa, you
sir, why are you sitting there, blocking up the way? One can scarce get
by.'
"But our clerk said never a word.
"'Are you poor? Do you beg for a penny for Heaven's sake? Ah! poor
fellow! Here's two pence for you,' and as she said this she tossed them
into his hat. Still our clerk said never a word. She waited a little,
for she thought he would say 'Thank you,' but our clerk did not so much
as nod his head.
"'No, I never,' said the girl, when she went back into the ball-room. 'I
never did see the like of a beggar who sits out yonder by the staircase.
He isn't at all like a starling on a fence,' she went on; 'for he won't
answer, and he won't say "Thank you," and won't so much as lift a
finger, though I did give him two pence.'
"'The least a beggar can do is to say "Thank you,"' cried a young
sheriff's clerk who was of the party. 'He must be a pretty fellow whom I
cannot get to speak, for I've made thieves and stiff-necked folk open
their mouths wide before this.'
"As he said this he ran out to the stairs, and bawled out in our clerk's
ear, for he thought he was hard of hearing.
"'What do you sit here for, you sir?' And then again, 'Are you poor? Do
you beg?'
"No, our clerk said never a word. So he took out half-a-dollar, and
threw it into his hat, saying, 'There's something for you.' But our
clerk was still silent, and made no sign. So when he could get no thanks
out of him, the sheriff's officer gave him a blow under the ear, as hard
as he could, and down fell our clerk head over heels across the
staircase. And you may be sure the girl Mary was not slow in running to
the spot.
"'Are you in a swoon, or are you dead, father,' she screeched out, and
then she went on screaming and bewailing herself.
"'It's quite true,' she said; 'there's no peace for the poor after all,
but I never yet heard of any one laying themselves out to strike beggars
dead.'
"'Hush! Hold your tongue,' said the sheriff's officer. 'Don't make a
fuss. Here you have ten dollars, keep your peace and take him away. I
only gave him a blow that made him swoon.'
"Well! She was glad enough. 'Money brings money,' she thought; 'with
fair words and money, one can go far in a day, and one need never care
for food with a purse full of pence.' So she took our clerk on her back
again, and strode off to the nearest farm, and there she put him athwart
the brink of the well. When our Mary got home she said she had borne him
off to the wood, and buried him far far away in a side dale.
"'Thank Heaven,' said the goody. 'Now we are well quit of him, you shall
have all I promised, and more besides. Be sure of that.'
"So there lay our clerk, as though he were peering down into the well,
till at dawn of day the ploughboy came running up to draw water.
"'Why are you lying there, and what are you gazing at? Out of the way. I
want some water,' said the lad.
"No! He neither stirred hand or foot. Then the lad let drive at him, so
that it went _plump_, and there lay our clerk in the well. Then he must
have help to get him out, but there was no help for it till the hind
came with a boat-hook and dragged him out.
"'Why! it's our Parish Clerk!' they all bawled out, and they all thought
he had eaten and drank so much at some feast, that he had fallen asleep
by the well-side.
"But when the master of the house came and saw our clerk, and heard how
it had all happened, he said,--
"'Harm watches while men sleep; but man's scathe is the worst scathe.
When one pot strikes against another, both break. Take the saddle and
lay it on Blackie, and ride to fetch the sheriff, my lad, and then we
shall be out of harm's way, for our clerk's sake. Mishaps never come
single, but it's hard to drown on dry land.' That was what the master
said.
"Yes! The lad rode off to the sheriff, and after a while the sheriff
came. But, as the saying is, more haste, worse speed, and work done in
haste will never last. So it took time before they got the doctor and
witnesses to come. Now you all know we owe a death to God; but then it
was made as plain as day that our clerk had been killed three times
before he tumbled into the well. First the ladle of lead had taken away
his breath, next he had a bullet through his forehead, and third and
last his neck was broken. Surely he was 'fey' when he set out to see the
goody. It is hard to tell how all this was found out at last; but
tongues will clack behind a man's back, and hard things are said of a
man when he's dead."