I KEPT my eye fixed on the fragments, meditating for a moment upon the
inconstancy and fallacy of human things I had just before eagerly desired
to obtain, that which I now tore with disdain. I had hoped to have found
a companion in misfortune, and how I should have valued his friendship!
Now I gave him all kinds of hard names, insolent, arrogant, atheist, and
self-condemned.
I repeated the same operation, dividing the wretched members of the
guilty letter again and again, till happening to cast my eye on a piece
remaining in my hand, expressing some better sentiment, I changed my
intention, and collecting together the _disjecta membra_, ingeniously
pieced them with the view of reading it once more. I sat down, placed
them on my great Bible, and examined the whole. I then got up, walked
about, read, and thought, “If I do not answer,” said I, “he will think he
has terrified me at the mere appearance of such a philosophical hero, a
very Hercules in his own estimation. Let us show him, with all due
courtesy, that we fear not to confront him and his vicious doctrines, any
more than to brave the risk of a correspondence, more dangerous to others
than to ourselves. I will teach him that true courage does not consist
in ridiculing _conscience_, and that real dignity does not consist in
arrogance and pride. He shall be taught the reasonableness of
Christianity, and the nothingness of disbelief. Moreover, if this mock
Julian start opinions so directly opposite to my own, if he spare not the
most biting sarcasm, if he attack me thus uncourteously; is it not all a
proof that he can be no spy? Yet, might not this be a mere stratagem, to
draw me into a discussion by wounding my self-love? Yet no! I am
unjust—I smart under his bitter irreligious jests, and conclude at once
that he must be the most infamous of men. Base suspicion, which I have
so often decried in others! he may be what he appears—a presumptuous
infidel, but not a spy. Have I even a right to call by the name of
_insolence_, what he considers _sincerity_. Is this, I continued, thy
humility, oh, hypocrite? If any one presume to maintain his own
opinions, and to question your faith, he is forthwith to be met with
contempt and abuse. Is not this worse in a Christian, than the bold
sincerity of the unbeliever? Yes, and perhaps he only requires one ray
of Divine grace, to employ his noble energetic love of truth in the cause
of true religion, with far greater success than yourself. Were it not,
then, more becoming in me to pray for, than to irritate him? Who knows,
but while employed in destroying his letter with every mark of ignominy,
he might be reading mine with expressions of kindness and affection;
never dreaming I should fly into such a mighty passion at his plain and
bold sincerity. Is he not the better of the two, to love and esteem me
while declaring he is no Christian; than I who exclaim, I am a Christian,
and I detest you. It is difficult to obtain a knowledge of a man during
a long intercourse, yet I would condemn him on the evidence of a single
letter. He may, perhaps, be unhappy in his atheism, and wish to hear all
my arguments to enable him the better to arrive at the truth. Perhaps,
too, I may be called to effect so beneficent a work, the humble
instrument of a gracious God. Oh, that it may indeed be so, I will not
shrink from the task.”