WHEN these mental struggles had ceased, and I had again become habituated
to reverence the Deity in all my thoughts and feelings, I for some time
enjoyed the most unbroken serenity and peace. The examinations to which
I was every two or three days subjected by the special commission,
however tormenting, produced no lasting anxiety, as before. I succeeded
in this arduous position, in discharging all which integrity and
friendship required of me, and left the rest to the will of God. I now,
too, resumed my utmost efforts to guard against the effects of any sudden
surprise, every emotion and passion, and every imaginable misfortune; a
kind of preparation for future trials of the greatest utility.
My solitude, meantime, grew more oppressive. Two sons of the jailer,
whom I had been in the habit of seeing at brief intervals, were sent to
school, and I saw them no more. The mother and the sister, who had been
accustomed, along with them, to speak to me, never came near me, except
to bring my coffee. About the mother I cared very little; but the
daughter, though rather plain, had something so pleasing and gentle, both
in her words and looks, that I greatly felt the loss of them. Whenever
she brought the coffee, and said, “It was I who made it,” I always
thought it excellent: but when she observed, “This is my mother’s
making,” it lost all its relish.
Being almost deprived of human society, I one day made acquaintance with
some ants upon my window; I fed them; they went away, and ere long the
placed was thronged with these little insects, as if come by invitation.
A spider, too, had weaved a noble edifice upon my walls, and I often gave
him a feast of gnats or flies, which were extremely annoying to me, and
which he liked much better than I did. I got quite accustomed to the
sight of him; he would run over my bed, and come and take the precious
morsels out of my hand. Would to heaven these had been the only insects
which visited my abode. It was still summer, and the gnats had begun to
multiply to a prodigious and alarming extent. The previous winter had
been remarkably mild, and after the prevalence of the March winds
followed extreme heat. It is impossible to convey an idea of the
insufferable oppression of the air in the place I occupied. Opposed
directly to a noontide sun, under a leaden roof, and with a window
looking on the roof of St. Mark, casting a tremendous reflection of the
heat, I was nearly suffocated. I had never conceived an idea of a
punishment so intolerable: add to which the clouds of gnats, which, spite
of my utmost efforts, covered every article of furniture in the room,
till even the walls and ceiling seemed alive with them; and I had some
apprehension of being devoured alive. Their bites, moreover, were
extremely painful, and when thus punctured from morning till night, only
to undergo the same operation from day to day, and engaged the whole time
in killing and slaying, some idea may be formed of the state both of my
body and my mind.
I felt the full force of such a scourge, yet was unable to obtain a
change of dungeon, till at length I was tempted to rid myself of my life,
and had strong fears of running distracted. But, thanks be to God, these
thoughts were not of long duration, and religion continued to sustain me.
It taught me that man was born to suffer, and to suffer with courage: it
taught me to experience a sort of pleasure in my troubles, to resist and
to vanquish in the battle appointed me by Heaven. The more unhappy, I
said to myself, my life may become, the less will I yield to my fate,
even though I should be condemned in the morning of my life to the
scaffold. Perhaps, without these preliminary and chastening trials, I
might have met death in an unworthy manner. Do I know, moreover, that I
possess those virtues and qualities which deserve prosperity; where and
what are they? Then, seriously examining into my past conduct, I found
too little good on which to pride myself; the chief part was a tissue of
vanity, idolatry, and the mere exterior of virtue. Unworthy, therefore,
as I am, let me suffer! If it be intended that men and gnats should
destroy me, unjustly or otherwise, acknowledge in them the instruments of
a divine justice, and be silent.