When now my dear father was dead, whom I myself had slain, I wept
bitterly, and lay all night by the side of the dead.
And when the sun again arose I considered what I should now do.
At first I thought I would drive the flock to the monastery, which lay
some six stages distant, and relate all to the monks, and confess how I
had, all unwittingly, slain my own father; and beg for absolution for
myself, and for a Christian grave for my dear father.
But I bethought me that the monks would not bury my father with
Christian honours, since he had died a heathen. And neither would they
allow me to burn him, after the custom of the heathen people, because
the heathen gods would thus be brought much into remembrance. And they
would certainly throw him, unhonoured, into the sea, as they had
already done to a heathen from Zealand.
So I resolved to be silent about it all, and not to betray my dear dead
father to the priests.
And thus could I neither confess the death blow, nor receive counsel
respecting my guiltless crime.
And from thence was the beginning of my freeing my mind from the monks
and their creed.
And I knew, quite near, of a cavern, which was known only to me, for it
had a very small entrance, and I had only discovered it because I had
followed a stone marten which had slipped into it. A fallen block of
stone concealed the entrance, and I found many ashes and remnants of
bones within the spacious cavern, which opened towards the sea. In
early days, no doubt, the heathen Scots had burnt their dead here.
Thither I carried, not without much difficulty, my dear dead father,
and set him upright in the cavern, his face turned towards the sea. The
roots of the oaks and ashes which waved above the cavern, penetrated
through the stone downwards almost to his head. Above him roared the
forest, before him roared the sea. There did I place my dear father,
and rolled the stone again to the entrance.
But even his hammer, his only possession, I dared not keep. Even should
I tell the monks I had found it, or bought it from sailors--they would
not have left it with me, for strong heathen victory runes were
engraved on the haft.
So I laid then the hammer also close to the right hand of the dead.
"Guard it for me, dear father," I said, "till I need it again. Then
will I fetch it."
But from that hour there came a great change over my disposition.
That which had most delighted me, to fight for my sheep with wolves,
bears, and birds of prey--that attracted me no more.
Rather the question which had driven my dear father even to madness, if
there be a God, or Gods? And how it could be that such fearful things
should come to pass as are here set down in this history, from the vow
upon the Bragi cup, on to this great horror, that the son had slain his
own father. These questionings seized upon me, and would not let me
rest, any more than my dear father.
And as my dear father of yore looked up to the stars, and implored the
heathen Gods for enlightenment, so also did I look up to the stars for
illumination, praying to Christ and the saints.
But to me also the heavens were dumb.
Then I said to myself--"Here on the sheep pastures, and from the roar
of the sea, and from the light of the stars, wilt thou find no answer
all thy life long, any more than thy dear father.
"But in the books of the monks, the Latin ones and those others, with
the crinkled runic flourishes, lie hidden all holy and worldly wisdom.
"And when thou can'st read them, all will be clear to thee in heaven
and upon earth."
And so I took leave of my dear father, gathered my sheep together, and
drove them to the monastery.
"Art thou gone mad, Irenaeus?" asked the porter, as he opened the door
for me and my bleating charge, "that thou drivest home before shearing
time. They will scourge thee again."
"I was mad," I replied, "but now I will become a scholar. Now another
may scare the wolves. I will learn Greek."
And thus I also said to the good Abbot Aelfrik, before whom I was at
once led for chastisement.
But he said--
"Lay the scourge aside. Perchance the boy, who has always been a
heathenish worldly Saul, has become suddenly a Paul, through the grace
of the holy Columban. He shall have his wish. If he holds to it--then
it is a work of the saints. If his zeal flags, then it is a wile of
Satan, and he shall go out again to his sheep."
But I kept silence, and said nothing about the reason for which I
wished to learn.
And my zeal did not flag, and I learned Latin and Greek, and read all
the books that they had in the monastery, the Christian ones of the
church fathers, which they call theology, and many heathen ones, of the
old world wisdom, which they call philosophy.
And I soon perceived that often, in one church father, was found just
the contrary of what was in another church father.
And that Aristotle reviled Plato, and that Cicero tried to make sense
of it all, and could not.
And after that I, in three, four years, had read through all the books
which they had in the monastery, and had contended all night long with
all the monks in the monastery, I knew no more of that which I wished
to know than on the day when I had buried my dear father.
The old good-natured fat Abbot Aelfrik however--he was of noble race,
and had formerly been a warrior at the court of the Scottish King, and
loved me--often said to me,
"Give up these searchings Fridgifa"--for he willingly called me by my
heathen name when we were alone. "Thou must believe, not question. And
drink often, between whiles good ale or wine, and sing a song to the
harp"--for he had taught me harp playing, in which I had great delight,
and which he loved much, and everyone said that none could play the
harp like me in all Scotland; "and forget not either often to throw the
lance at the target in the monastery garden. Much book reading withers
the body."
And I remembered that my dear father's last words had been just the
same. And often and often I stole away to my dear father's hill,
brought forth the hammer, exercised myself in hammer throwing by star
light, and sat then for hours before the cavern, and listened to the
roar of wind, wood, and wave.
And now it often seemed to me as if, in such moods, I came nearer to
the truth than through all the books of the Christian priests, and
heathen philosophers.
And I almost believe I shall not stay much longer in the monastery.
Especially since, lately, a skald from Halogaland visited the
monastery, and told of the life at the court of King Harald; of his
lordly royal hall, in which twenty skalds by turns play the harp.
And how the boldest heroes ever willingly enter his service.
And how year by year his warlike expeditions are crowned with victory.
And of Gunnlodh, his wonderfully beautiful golden-haired daughter, who
pledges the bravest heroes and the best skalds in the horn.
Since then, my inclination no longer turns towards psalm-singing and
vigils.
But certainly they will not easily let me leave the monastery.
For because I can write Latin and Greek well, Aaron, the new Abbot, the
Italian, who has succeeded the good peace-loving Aelfrik, makes me
unceasingly write out manuscripts, which they then sell for a great
price, in Britain, and even in Germany.
And Aaron is very sharp upon my track, because I seem to him to lack
true Christian zeal.
And did he know that upon these parchment sheets, whereupon I ought to
have written out, for the seventeenth time, the treatise of Lactantius
"de mortibus persecutorum," I have, by night, written out the history
of my dear father--it would not pass without many days' fasting, and
some score of penitential psalms.
Lately he actually threatened me to have "some one" scourged, who ever
again came too late for the Hora.
That "someone" was I. For I had just begun to write about the battle on
the Singing Swan, and could not tear myself away from it when the Hora
bell called.
But ere the son of Halfred the Sigskald endures scourging on the
back,--rather will I slay Aaron and all his Italian monks.
But for slaying I need something different from this copying style.
* * * * *
Thus far had I written by Good Friday.
For a long while could I not contrive to write further. For the hatred,
jealousy, and mistrust of Aaron and his hangers-on--there are many of
his Italian countrymen come with him from Rumaberg--grow constantly
greater. He has forbidden me to write by night.
Only by day, and in the library, no longer in my cell, may I write. And
the transcript of Lactantius I am to deliver to him on the appointed
parchment by Whitsuntide, on pain of seven days' fasting.
My resentment increases against this priestly tyranny.
Only rarely, and by stealth, can I get at these pages. Also I can only
with great difficulty reach my dear father's hill. They track my lonely
wanderings.
It will soon come to open war. At any rate I will provide myself with a
sure weapon.
* * * * *
With difficulty did I, yesterday evening, in the sleeve of my frock,
bring my dear father's hammer into the monastery. I have hidden it in
the outer court, but where--that I do not trust even to these pages. I
think much over the question of my dear father, and I believe that soon
I shall find the truth.
* * * * *
For three days I could not write at all. The skald from King Harald's
court has again been a guest in the monastery.
I have made him tell me all about the life at that court. It is just as
in my dear father's days. Certainly King Harald and all his courtiers
are heathens, and their warlike expeditions are mostly against
Christian kings and bishops. But that does not make me waver in my
purpose, which is firmly resolved. He told me much about Gunnlodh.
In twenty nights a ship of King Harald's will sail again into the
harbour from...
* * * * *
I know now the answer to Halfred's question.
There are no heathen Gods.
But neither is there any Christian God, who, almighty, all merciful,
all wise, allowed that the father should be slain by the son.
Rather, that only happens upon earth which is necessary, and what men
do and do not, that must they do and not do; as the north wind must
bring cold, the south wind warmth; and as the stone thrown must fall to
the earth. Why must it fall? No one knows. But it must.
But men should not sigh and question and despair, rather rejoice in
hammer throwing and harp playing, in sunshine and Greek wine, and in
the beauty of women.
For that is a lie that it is a sin to long for a beautiful woman.
Otherwise must the human race die out; if all become so devout as no
more to long for a woman.
And the dead are dead, and no longer living.
Otherwise had the shade of my dear father long since appeared to me, at
my earnest entreaty.
Of what alone, however, man should believe; of that I will speak
hereafter.
Without fear shall he live, and without hope shall he die.
In this monastery, however, will I remain no longer than----.