"But there where I have garnered up my heart,
Where either I must live, or bear no life;
The fountain from the which my current runs
Or else dries up; to be discarded thence!
Patience, thou young and rose-lipped cherubim!
Aye there, look grim as hell!"
Othello, Act 4, scene 2.
Saint Werner's clock, with "its male and female voice," has just told
the university that it is nine o'clock.
A little crowd of Saint Wernerians is standing before the chapel door,
and even the grass of the lawn in front of it is hardly sacred to-day
from common feet. The throng composed of undergraduates, dons,
bedmakers, and gyps, is broken into knots of people, who are chatting
together according to their several kinds; but they are so quiet and
expectant that the very pigeons hardly notice them, but flutter about
and coo and peck up the scattered bread-crumbs, just as if nobody was
there. If you look attentively round the court, you will see, too, that
many of the windows are open, and you may detect faces half concealed
among the window curtains. Clearly everybody is on the look out for
something, though it is yet vacation time, and only a small section of
the men are up.
The door opens, and out sail the Seniors, more than ever conscious of
pride and power; they stream away in silk gowns, carrying on their faces
the smile of knowledge even into their isolation, where no one can see
it. For some reason or other they always meet in chapel, or, for all I
know, it may be in the ante-chapel, to elect the Saint Werner's
scholars.
And now the much talked of, much thought of, anxiously expected list,
which is to make so many happy or miserable, is to be announced. On
that little bit of paper, which the chapel-clerk holds in his hands as
he stands on the chapel steps, are the names which everybody has been
longing to conjecture. He comes out and reads. There are nine
scholarships vacant, of which five will be given to the Third-year men,
and four to Julian's year.
The five Third-year men are read first, and as each name is announced,
off darts some messenger from the crowd to carry the happy intelligence
to some expectant senior soph. The heads of listeners lean farther and
farther out of the window, for the clerk speaks so loud as to make his
voice heard right across the court; and the wires of the telegraph are
instantly put into requisition to flash the news to many homes, which it
will fill either with rejoicing or with sorrow.
And now for the four Second-year scholars, who have gained the honour of
a scholarship their first time of trial, and whose success excites a
still keener interest. They are read out in the accidental order of the
first entering of their names in the college books.
Silence! the Second-year scholars are--DUDLEY CHARLES OWEN, (for the
names are always read out at full length, Christian names and all);
JULIAN HOME; ALBERT HENRY SUTON; and it is a very astonishing fact, but
the fourth is Hugh James Lillyston.
Who would have believed it? Everybody expected Owen and Home to get
scholarships their first time, and Suton was considered fairly safe of
one; but that Kennedy should _not_ have got one, and that Lillyston
should, were facts perfectly amazing to all who heard them. Saint
Werner's was full of surprise. But after all they might have expected
it; Kennedy had been grossly idle, and Lillyston, who had been
exceedingly industrious, was not only well-grounded at Harton in
classics, but had recently developed a real and promising proficiency in
mathematics; and it was this knowledge, joined to great good fortune in
the examination, which had won for him the much-envied success.
But not Kennedy?
No. This result was enough most seriously to damp the intense delight
which Julian otherwise felt in his own success, and that of his three
friends.
Julian, half-expecting that he would be successful, had come up with
Owen early in the day, and received the news from the porter as he
entered the college. Kennedy and Lillyston were not yet arrived, and
Julian went to meet the coach from Roysley, hoping to see one of them at
least for he was almost as anxious to break the disappointment gently to
Kennedy, as he was to be the first to bear to his oldest school friend
the surprising and delightful news of his success.
They were _both_ in the coach, and Julian was quite puzzled how to meet
them. His vexation and delight alternated so rapidly as he looked from
one to the other, that he felt exceedingly awkward, and would very much
have preferred seeing either of them alone. Lillyston was incredulous;
he insisted that there must be some mistake, until he actually saw the
list with his own eyes. It was quite by accident, and not with any view
of being sworn in as a scholar the next morning, that he had returned to
Saint Werner's on that day at all. Kennedy bore the bitter, but not
unexpected disappointment with silent stoicism, and showed an unaffected
joy at the happy result which had crowned the honest exertions of his
best-loved friends.
He bore it in stoical silence, until he reached his own rooms; and then,
do not blame him--my poor Kennedy--if he bowed his head upon his hands,
and cried like a little child. There are times when the bravest man
feels quite like a boy--feels as if he were unchanged since the day when
he sorrowed for boyish trespasses, and was chidden for boyish faults.
Kennedy was very young, and he was eating the fruits of folly and
idleness in painful failure and hope deferred. In public he never
showed the faintest signs of vexation, but in the loneliness of his
closet do not blame him if he wept--for Violet's sake as well as for his
own.
So once more he was separated from Julian and Lillyston in hall and
chapel, for they now sat at the scholars' table and in the scholars'
seats.
He was beginning to get over his feeling of sorrow when he received a
letter, which did not need the coronet on the seal to show him that his
correspondent was De Vayne. He opened it with eagerness and curiosity,
and read--
"_Eaglestower, April_ 30, 18--, _Argyllshire_.
"My Dear Kennedy--How long it is since we saw or heard of each other!
I am getting well now, slowly but surely, and as I am amusing my
leisure by reviving my old correspondence with my friends, let me
write to you whom I reckon and shall ever reckon among that honoured
number.
"I am afraid that you consider me to have been slightly alienated from
you by the sad scene which your rooms witnessed when last we met in
health, and by the connection into which your name was dragged, by
popular rumour, with that unhappy affair. If such a thought has ever
troubled you, let me pray that you will banish it. I have long since
been sure that you would have been ready to suffer any calamity rather
than expose me to the foreseen possibility of such an outrage.
"No, believe me, dear Kennedy, I am as much now as I always have been
since I knew you, your sincere and affectionate friend. Nor will I
conceal how deep an interest another circumstance has given me in your
welfare. You perhaps did not know that I too loved your affianced
Violet; how long, how deeply I can never utter to any living soul. I
did not know that you had won her affections, and the information that
such was the case, came on me like the death-knell of all my cherished
hopes. But I have schooled myself now to the calm contemplation of my
failure, and I can rejoice without envy in the knowledge, that in you
she has won a lover richly endowed with all the qualities on which
future happiness can depend.
"I write to you partly to say good-bye. In a fortnight I am going
abroad, and shall not return until I feel that I have conquered a
hopeless passion, and regained a shattered health. Farewell to dear
Old Camford! I little thought that my career there would terminate as
it did, but I trust in the full persuasion that God worketh all things
for good to them who love Him.
"Once more good-bye. When I return, I hope that I shall see leaning
on your arm, a fair, a divine young bride.--Ever affectionately yours,
De Vayne."
Kennedy had written home to announce that his name was _not_ to be found
in the list of Saint Werner's scholars. The information had disgusted
his father exceedingly. Mr Kennedy, himself an old Wernerian, loved
that royal foundation with an unchanging regard, and ever since that day
Edward had been playing in his hall a pretty boy, he determined that he
should be a Saint Werner's scholar at his first trial. He knew his
son's abilities, and felt convinced that there must be some radical
fault in his Camford life to produce such a disastrous series of
failures and disgraces. Unable to gain any real information on the
subject from Edward's letters, he determined to write up at once, and
ask the classical and mathematical tutors the points in which his son
was most deficient, and the reason of his continued want of success.
The classical tutor, Mr Dalton, wrote back that Kennedy's failure was
due solely to idleness; that his abilities were acknowledged to be
brilliant, but that at Camford as everywhere else, the notion of success
without industry, was a chimera invented by boastfulness and conceit.
"Le Genie c'est la Patience."
"You seem, however," continued Mr Dalton, "to be under the mistaken
impression that your son read with me last term, and even `read double.'
This is not the case, as he has ceased to read with me since the end of
the Christmas term: I was sorry that he did so; for if economy was an
object, I would gladly, merely for the sake of the interest I take in
him, have afforded gratuitous assistance to so clever and promising a
pupil."
The letter of Mr Baer, the mathematical tutor, was precisely to the
same effect. "I can only speak," he said, "from what I observed of your
son previous to last Christmas; since then I have not had the pleasure
of numbering him among my pupils."
When Mr Dalton's letter came, Mr Kennedy was exceedingly perplexed to
understand what it meant, and assumed that there must be some
unaccountable mistake. He simply could not believe that his son could
have asked him for the money on false pretences. But when Mr Baer's
letter confirmed the fact that Kennedy had not been reading with a tutor
either in classics or mathematics during the previous quarter, it seemed
impossible for any one any longer to shut his eyes to the truth.
When the real state of the case forced itself on Mr Kennedy's
conviction, his affliction was so deep that no language can adequately
describe what he suffered. In a few days his countenance became
sensibly older-looking, and his hair more grey. His favourite and only
surviving son had proved unworthy and base. Not only had he wasted time
in frivolous company, but clearly he must have sunk very low to be
guilty of a crime so heinous in itself, and so peculiarly wounding to a
father's heart, as the one which it was plain that he had committed.
At first Mr Kennedy could not trust himself to write, lest the anger
and indignation which usurped the place of sorrow should lead him into a
violence which might produce irreparable harm. Meanwhile, he bore in
silence the blows which had fallen. Not even to his daughter Eva did he
reveal the overwhelming secret of her brother's shame, but brooded in
loneliness over the fair promise of the past, blighted utterly in the
disgrace of the present. Often when he had looked at his young son, and
seen how glorious and how happy his life might be, he had determined to
shelter him from all evil, and endow him with means and opportunities
for every success. He had looked to him as a pride and stay in
declining manhood, and a comfort in old age. Edward Kennedy had been "a
child whom every eye that looked on loved," and now he was--; Mr
Kennedy _could_ not apply to him the only name which at once sprang up
to his lips. He wrote--
"Dear Edward,--When I tell you that it costs me an _effort_, a
_strong_ effort to call you `dear,' you may judge of the depth of my
anger. I cannot trust myself, nor will I condescend to say much to
you. Suffice it for you to know that your shameful transactions are
detected, and that I am now aware of the means, the treacherous
dishonest means you have adopted to procure money, which, since I give
you an ample and liberal allowance, can only be wanted to pander to
vice, idleness, and I know not what other forms of sin.
"I tell you that I do not know what to say; if you can act as you have
acted, you must be quite deaf to expostulation, and dead to shame.
You have done all you can to cover me and yourself with dishonour, and
to bring down my grey hairs with sorrow to the grave.
"Oh Edward, Edward! if I could have foreseen this in the days when you
were yet a young and innocent and happy boy, I would have chosen
rather that you should die.
"It must be a long time before you see my face again. I will not see
you in the coming holidays, and I at once reduce your allowance to
half of what it was. I cannot, and will not supply money to be wasted
in extravagance and folly, nor shall I again be deceived into granting
it to you on false pretences--Your indignant, deeply-sorrowing father,
T. KENNEDY."
Kennedy read the letter, and re-read it, and laid it down on the table
beside his untouched breakfast. There was but one expression in his
face, and that was misery, and in his soul no other feeling than that of
hopeless shame.
He did not, and could not write to his father. What was to be said? He
must bear his burden--the _burden of detection and of punishment_--
alone.
And the thought of Violet added keener poignancy to all his grief. For
Kennedy could not but observe that her letters were not so fondly,
passionately loving as they once had been, and he knew that the fault
was his, because his own letters reflected, like a broken mirror, the
troubled images of his wandering heart.