_A smart description of a miser ridiculously acting the extravagant._
How did the entertainment of that happy fellow Nasidienus please you?
for yesterday, as I was seeking to make you my guest, you were said to
be drinking there from mid-day. [It pleased me so], that I never was
happier in my life. Say (if it be not troublesome) what food first
calmed your raging appetite.
In the first place, there was a Lucanian boar, taken when the gentle
south wind blew, as the father of the entertainment affirmed; around it
sharp rapes, lettuces, radishes; such things as provoke a languid
appetite; skirrets, anchovies, dregs of Coan wine. These once removed,
one slave, tucked high with a purple cloth, wiped the maple table, and a
second gathered up whatever lay useless, and whatever could offend the
guests; swarthy Hydaspes advances like an Attic maid with Ceres' sacred
rites, bearing wines of Caecubum; Alcon brings those of Chios, undamaged
by the sea. Here the master [cries], "Maecenas, if Alban or Falernian
wine delight you more than those already brought, we have both."
Ill-fated riches! But, Fundanius, I am impatient to know, who were
sharers in this feast where you fared so well.
I was highest, and next me was Viscus Thurinus, and below, if I
remember, was Varius; with Servilius Balatro, Vibidius, whom Maecenas
had brought along with him, unbidden guests. Above [Nasidienus] himself
was Nomentanus, below him Porcius, ridiculous for swallowing whole cakes
at once. Nomentanus [was present] for this purpose, that if any thing
should chance to be unobserved, he might show it with his pointing
finger. For the other company, we, I mean, eat [promiscuously] of fowls,
oysters, fish, which had concealed in them a juice far different from
the known: as presently appeared, when he reached to me the entrails of
a plaice and of a turbot, such as had never been tasted before. After
this he informed me that honey-apples were most ruddy when gathered
under the waning moon. What difference this makes you will hear best
from himself. Then [says] Vibidius to Balatro; "If we do not drink to
his cost, we shall die in his debt;" and he calls for larger tumblers. A
paleness changed the countenance of our host, who fears nothing so much
as hard drinkers: either because they are more freely censorious; or
because heating wines deafen the subtle [judgment of the] palate.
Vibidius and Balatro, all following their example, pour whole casks into
Alliphanians; the guests of the lowest couch did no hurt to the flagons.
A lamprey is brought in, extended in a dish, in the midst of floating
shrimps. Whereupon, "This," says the master, "was caught when pregnant;
which, after having young, would have been less delicate in its flesh."
For these a sauce is mixed up; with oil which the best cellar of
Venafrum pressed, with pickle from the juices of the Iberian fish, with
wine of five years old, but produced on this side the sea, while it is
boiling (after it is boiled, the Chian wine suits it so well, that no
other does better than it) with white pepper, and vinegar which, by
being vitiated, turned sour the Methymnean grape. I first showed the way
to stew in it the green rockets and bitter elecampane: Curtillus, [to
stew in it] the sea-urchins unwashed, as being better than the pickle
which the sea shell-fish yields.
In the mean time the suspended tapestry made a heavy downfall upon the
dish, bringing along with it more black dust than the north wind ever
raises on the plains of Campania. Having been fearful of something
worse, as soon as we perceive there was no danger, we rise up. Rufus,
hanging his head, began to weep, as if his son had come to an untimely
death: what would have been the end, had not the discreet Nomentanus
thus raised his friend! "Alas! O fortune, what god is more cruel to us
than thou? How dost thou always take pleasure in sporting with human
affairs!" Varius could scarcely smother a laugh with his napkin.
Balatro, sneering at every thing, observed: "This is the condition of
human life, and therefore a suitable glory will never answer your labor.
Must you be rent and tortured with all manner of anxiety, that I may be
entertained sumptuously; lest burned bread, lest ill-seasoned soup
should be set before us; that all your slaves should wait, properly
attired and neat? Add, besides, these accidents; if the hangings should
tumble down, as just now, if the groom slipping with his foot should
break a dish. But adversity is wont to disclose, prosperity to conceal,
the abilities of a host as well as of a general." To this Nasidienus:
"May the gods give you all the blessings, whatever you can pray for, you
are so good a man and so civil a guest;" and calls for his sandals. Then
on every couch you might see divided whispers buzzing in each secret
ear.
I would not choose to have seen any theatrical entertainments sooner
than these things. But come, recount what you laughed at next. While
Vibidius is inquiring of the slaves, whether the flagon was also broken,
because cups were not brought when he called for them; and while a laugh
is continued on feigned pretences, Balatro seconding it; you Nasidienus,
return with an altered countenance, as if to repair your ill-fortune by
art. Then followed the slaves, bearing on a large charger the several
limbs of a crane besprinkled with much salt, not without flour, and the
liver of a white goose fed with fattening figs, and the wings of hares
torn off, as a much daintier dish than if one eats them with the loins.
Then we saw blackbirds also set before us with scorched breasts, and
ring-doves without the rumps: delicious morsels! did not the master give
us the history of their causes and natures: whom we in revenge fled
from, so as to taste nothing at all; as if Canidia, more venomous than
African serpents, had poisoned them with her breath.
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