DEAR PUNCHINELLO: Having skilfully illuminated Free Trade, I now proceed
to elucidate Protection. You see when we reach Protection, the boot is
on the other leg; _you_ make the conundrums then, and the other man
tries to guess them. There are many kinds of protection; there's the
kind which a State's prison-keeper gives to one of his birds; the kind
which a black-and-tan terrier, or a freshly-imported Chinaman, extends
to a good fat rat; the kind which a pious young man offers to a fair and
tender damsel, when he places his arm around her dainty waist, and
gently absorbs the dew of innocence from her rosy lips, (that idea, is,
I think, plagiarized from TENNYSON,) and the kind which a delicate
mother-in-law, blessed with nerves, pours out upon her son-in-law. But I
leave the discussion of such things to weaker birds, and soar myself to
a higher kind, _i.e._, that Protection which is diametrically opposed to
Free Trade.
Protection, in this sense, is--well, let me follow my own admirable
example, and illustrate: You own a coal mine in Pennsylvania, which
contains tolerably poor coal, with which you mix a proper amount of
stone, and then sell the mixture for a high price. ICHABOD BLUE-NOSE
owns a coal mine in Nova Scotia, which furnishes good coal; he puts no
slate in it, and yet sells it at a low figure. You reflect that with
such opposition you will never manage to dispose of all your stone, so
you apply to Congress, and have a high tariff put on coal. That's
Protection. Metaphysically defined, Protection is the natural right,
inherent in every American citizen, to obtain money in large quantities
for goods of small qualities.
Protection is not a natural production; it was invented about the time
taxes were, though it must be admitted that those very annoying articles
appeared very early in the history of the human race. I've no doubt that
ADAM levied taxes, though it's very doubtful if he could put as many
things in a tax levy as a New York politician can. Certainly there was a
very high tariff on apples in his day--so high that humanity has not yet
succeeded in paying off the duty on the one ADAM ate. ABRAHAM paid
taxes, and, as he was his own Senate and House, doubtless he passed a
tariff bill to suit himself, and had any quantity of Protection. I have
always regretted that NOAH didn't pass a bill protecting native
industry, because he could have enforced it, and had no wrangling about
it.
There are one or two points about Protection which a wayfaring man, even
if people labor under the impression that he is a fool, can understand.
If you are JOHN SMITH and own a coal mine or an iron mill, you go to
Washington, see your Congressman, (by see I mean look at him, of
course,) donate large sums of money to certain poor, but honest men, who
adorn the lobby of the House, while they are waiting for generous
patrons like unto you, then go home and calmly await the result. Your
representative makes a speech, the exordium of which is Patriotism, the
peroration of which is Star-Spangled Banner, and the central plum of
which is your coal mine or iron mill. Your poor and honest friends wear
out several pairs of shoes, the tariff bill is passed, your mine or mill
is abundantly protected, and the country is saved. If, on the other
hand, you are JOHN BROWN, and raise cabbages and turnips on a farm, you
are allowed to pay high prices for SMITH'S coal or iron, but you expect
no Protection, and you've a sure thing of getting what you expect.
Of course you don't imagine that I shall explain the details of this
profound subject. There are only two men in this country who think they
can do that, and each one of those says that the other is an idiot. As a
rule, figures can't lie; but look out for the exceptions when you run
across the subject of Protection. The very same figures have an ugly way
of proving both sides of a question. You run down a fact, and think
you've got it, but, before you know it, it has slipped, like the "little
joker," over to the other side.
Personally, I am a Protectionist. Formerly I indulged in that monstrous
absurdity, Free Trade, but then I was an importer; now, being a
manufacturer, the scales have fallen from my eyes, and I am of the
straitest sect a Protectionist. You can't give me too much of it. Of
course I can't see why pig-iron should be protected, and pigs not. I
think every native production should be cared for, and that there should
be an excessively high tariff on foreign food. In that case poor REVERDY
JOHNSON would have been compelled to have passed a Lenten season at
Halifax, until he had eradicated from his system the rich English
dinners, before he could have entered this favored land. And
MOTLEY--bless me, he has eaten so much that I don't believe he could get
it out of his body if he fasted for the remainder of his natural life.
I am informed, however, that Protection does us one injury. All the
_World_ says that there is a Parsee in our land, who is loaded with
rupees, but who is unable to spend them here because of our protective
system, and what all the _World_ says, you know, must be true. However,
there are 40,000,000 of us, and, if Congress will make all Americans buy
my patent door-knobs, the Parsee can go to--Hindostan.
I don't think any thing more can be said about Protection. Any body who
doesn't understand it now had better go to Washington, and listen to the
debate on scrap-iron. That will sharpen his wits. Pig-iron, of course,
is interesting, but then that's a light and airy subject. Hear the
debate on scrap-iron, by all means.