REPENTANCE.
"Whispering tongues can poison truth,
And constancy lives in realms above;
And life is thorny, and youth is vain;
And to be wroth with one we love,
Doth work like madness in the brain."
COLERIDGE.
"My thoughts acquit you for dishonouring me
By any foul act; but the virtuous know
'Tis not enough to clear ourselves, but the
Suspicions of our shame."
SHIRLEY.
Robert came back at last, and years seemed to have swept over his head
and gathered round his heart, since only a few hours before he had stood
in his wife's room. But he looked for her in vain, she was not there,
but away in the nursery, hushing, with tearful eyes and frightened
heart, poor sick Bertie in her arms to sleep. Robert longed, yet
dreaded to see her. Through all his misery his heart clung to his wife,
and hoped, even when his lips murmured there was no hope. He took up the
work on the table, a handkerchief Amy had been hemming, marked with his
name, and sighed as he laid it down, and thought duty, not love, had
induced her to work for him.
So he waited on--waited patiently. At length she came.
"Oh, Robert! I am so glad you are here. I have been longing for you, and
quite frightened when you stayed away such a time."
The mother's fears were roused, and she clung at once to her husband for
help and support. Her trembling heart had forgotten for the moment all
she had been braving her heart, and nerving her mind to tell him. The
great fear supplanted for the time the lesser and more distant one.
She had seated herself at Robert's feet, leaning her head on his knee.
He let her remain so--did not even withdraw the hand she had taken, for
the fierceness of his anger had passed away, and a great sorrow filled
his heart. Did he not pity her as much as himself? she so fair and
young. Had not she made them both miserable? Both he and her.
But Amy saw nothing of all this--nothing of the grave, sorrowing
face--her heart was thinking of poor Bertie's heavy eyes and hot hands,
and how best she could break it to her husband, so as not to grieve him
too much, for did he not love the boy as much as she did? and would he
not fear and dread the worst? But even while she hesitated, her husband
spoke--
"Amy! Have you ever deceived me? I, who have loved you so faithfully."
The cold, changed tone--the harsh voice struck her at once. She looked
up quickly. There was that in his face which sent dismay into her heart,
while her fears for Bertie fled as she gazed. Was she too late? Had her
husband found out what she had been striving so hard for months to tell
him? Yes, she felt, she knew she was too late; that he knew all, and
waited for her words to confirm what he knew.
"Never as your wife, Robert," she replied, tremblingly.
"And when, then!"
"Oh, Robert! don't look so sternly at me--don't speak so strangely. I
meant to tell you, I did indeed. I have been striving all these months
to tell you."
Alas! there was something to tell, then; every word she uttered drove
away hope more and more from his heart.
"Months and years?" he said, mournfully.
"No, no; to-day, this very day have I been watching and waiting. Oh! why
did you not come back? Why did you not come back, Robert, so that I
might have told you?"
"You dared not," he said, sternly.
"Oh, yes! I dared. I have done no sin, only deceived you, Robert, at--at
first."
"Only at first. Only for ever."
"No, no; not for ever. I always meant to tell you, I did, indeed,
Robert." She began to fear he distrusted her words already--she, whose
very "yes" had been implicitly believed and reverenced. Alas! this first
sin, perhaps the only one, into what meshes it leads us, often bringing
terrible retribution.
"Did you not fear living on in--in deceit?" he said. "Did you not feel
how near you were to my heart--did you not know that my love for you
was--was madness? that, lonely and unloved, I loved you with all the
passion of my nature? If not, you knew that all my devotion was thrown
away--utterly wasted--that your heart was another's, and could never be
mine."
He stopped; and the silence was unbroken, save by Amy's sobs.
"Had you told me this," he said again, "do you think I would have
brought this great sorrow upon you? put trouble and fear into your heart
instead of love and happiness, and made your young life
desolate--desolate and unbearable, but for the boy. He is the one green
leaf in your path, I the withered one,--withered at heart and soul."
"Robert! Robert! don't be so hard, so--so--" she could not bring to her
lips to say cruel, "but forgive me!"
He heeded her not, but went on.
"And the day of your marriage," he said, "that day which should have
been, and I fondly hoped was, the happiest day of your life; upon that
day, of all others, you saw him."
"Not wilfully, Robert, not--not wilfully," sobbed Amy.
"That day, your marriage day, was the one on which you first learnt of
_his_ love for you, and passed in one short half hour a whole lifetime
of agony. Poor Amy! poor wife! Forgive you? yes; my heart is pitying
enough and weak enough to forgive you your share in my misery for the
sake of the anguish of your own."
Amy only wept on. She could not answer. But he, her husband, needed no
reply; her very silence, her utter grief and tears confirmed all he
said.
"Amy, did you never think the knowledge of all this--the tale would
break my heart?"
"Never! I feared your anger, your sorrowing looks, but--but
that?--Never, never!"
"And yet it will be so. It must be so."
"Oh, no, no! Neither now nor ever, because--because I love you, Robert."
"Amy! wife!" he said, sternly, "there must never be a question of love
between us, now. That--that is at an end, and must never be named again.
I forgive you, but forget I never can," and then he left her, before she
could say one word. Left her to her young heart's anguish and bitter
despair, tenfold greater than the anguish he had depicted being hers
long ago, because hopeless--hopeless of ever now winning back his love
again. And what a love it had been! She began to see, to feel it all
now, now that it had gone, left her for ever.
"God help me!" she cried, "I never, never thought it would have come to
this. God help me! I have no other help now, and forgive me if I have
broken his heart."
Then by-and-by she rose, and with wan, stricken face, went back to her
boy.
Mr. Blane was bending over Bertie, who was crying in feeble, childish
accents, "Give me some water to drink. Please give me some water."
"Presently, my little man; all in good time."
"But I want it now--I must have it now."
"My mistress, Mrs. Vavasour, sir," said Hannah, as Amy entered, and
stood silently by his side, and looked anxiously into his face, as she
returned his greeting.
"Dr. Bernard usually attends at the Hall," she said; "but he lives so
far away, and I was so anxious about my boy. Is there much the matter
with him?"
"Ahem," said Mr. Blane, clearing his throat, as most medical men do when
disliking to tell an unpleasant truth, or considering how best to shape
an answer least terrifying to the mother's heart. "No--no," he said
hesitatingly. "The child is very hot and feverish."
"I hope he isn't going to sicken for a fever, sir," said Hannah.
"I fear he has sickened for it," he replied.
"Not the scarlet fever?" said Amy, in a frightened voice.
"No. There has been a nasty kind of fever going about, which I fear your
boy has somehow taken. I have had two cases lately, and in both
instances the symptoms were similar to this."
"Is it a dangerous fever?" asked Amy.
"The old lady, my first patient, is quite well again, in fact better
than she has been for the last six months, as the fever cured the
rheumatics, and from being almost a cripple, she now walks nearly as
well as ever. And," he said, rising to leave, "I should advise no one's
entering this room but those who are obliged to--the fewer the
better--and by all means keep the other children away, as the sore
throat is decidedly infectious. Good-bye, Sir; take your medicine like
a little man, and then we'll soon have you well again," said he to
Bertie.
"My boy, my poor Bertie," said Amy, as she sat by his side, and held the
cool, refreshing drink to his parched lips. Did she need this fresh
trial coming upon her already stricken heart?
"Don't let the boy see you crying, Ma'am," said Hannah, "or perhaps
he'll be getting frightened, and I'm sure that'll be bad for him."
"No," said Amy. But though no tears were in her eyes, the traces of them
were weighing down the heavy swollen eyelids; but tears she had none to
shed, she had wept so much.
So she sat by the side of her sick child's little cot with aching heart,
all alone and lonely, with no one but old faithful Hannah to sympathize
and watch with her; he, her husband, she dared not think of, or if she
thought at all, it was to almost wish he would not come; so stern and
grave a face might frighten her boy.
"Are you not going down to dinner, Ma'am?" said Nurse at last, in a
whisper, for Bertie had dropped off into an uneasy slumber.
"Dinner? Ah! yes. I forgot. No, I shall not go down to dinner to-day. I
shall not leave my boy."
"I can take care of him, Ma'am, and then shouldn't you tell the Master?
Haven't you forgotten him? There's no use keeping the bad news from
him."
Forgotten him? How could she forget? Were not his words still fresh at
her heart?
But Nurse was right, he ought to be told; there was Mrs. Linchmore, too,
she--all, ought to know about Bertie.
So Amy rose and went away in search of her husband. Where was he? Should
she find him in his room? She hesitated ere she knocked, but his heavy
tread a moment after assured her he was there. She did not look up as
the door opened, but said simply, "Bertie is ill, Robert, very ill. Mr.
Blane has been to see him, and says he has caught some fever, but not a
dangerous one."
All traces of sternness and anger fled from his brow, as he listened and
caught the expression of his wife's face. He wondered at the calmness
with which she spoke. His boy ill, little Bertie, in whose life her very
soul had seemed wrapt? and she could stand and speak of it so coldly, so
calmly as this? He wondered, and saw nothing of the anguish within, or
how the one terrible blow he had dealt her had for the time broken and
crushed her spirit. Only a few hours ago, and she would have wept and
clung round his neck for help, in this her one great hour of need. But
that was past, could not be; he would not have it so, her love had been
forbidden.
"I will go and see the boy," he said, gently.
She turned and went on her way downstairs to the drawing-room.
"Good gracious, Mrs. Vavasour! what is the matter?" cried Frances, her
heart beating savagely, as she looked at the poor face, so wan and
still, telling its own tale of woe long before the lips did.
Amy took no notice of Frances, but passed on to where Mrs. Linchmore sat
with the children. It was Alice's birthday, and Bertie was to have come
down too, and as Amy remembered it, her heart for the first time felt
full; but she drove back the tears, and said--
"My child is ill. He has caught some fever; but not a dangerous one."
How fond she was of repeating this latter phrase, as if the very fact of
saying that it was not a dangerous fever would ease and convince her
frightened, timid heart.
The words startled everyone.
"I am extremely sorry," said Mrs. Linchmore, drawing Alice away. "I
trust, I hope it is not infectious?"
"I very much fear it is, at least, Mr. Blane thinks the sore throat is,
and advises the children, by all means, being kept apart."
"They must go away, shall go away the very first thing to-morrow
morning. It is as well to be on the safe side. Don't you think so,
Robert?" said Mrs. Linchmore.
"Decidedly. They can go into the village for the time or to Grant's
cottage."
"There are cases of the same fever in the village," said Amy.
"Then they must go away altogether," said Mrs. Linchmore, hurriedly. "We
must send them to Standale."
"I am so sorry for Bertie, he'll have such lots of nasty medicine," said
Fanny; "but won't it be nice to be without Miss Barker?"
"Be silent, child!" said her mother, "Miss Barker will of course go with
you."
"Oh! how horrid!" returned Fanny. Even Mrs. Linchmore's frown could not
prevent her from saying that.
Amy passed out again even as she had come, almost brushing Frances'
dress, but without looking at her, although, had she raised her eyes,
she must have been struck with the whiteness of her face, which
equalled, if not exceeded, her own.
"Master has been here, Ma'am," said Hannah, as Amy returned, "and bid me
tell you he had gone to fetch Dr. Bernard."
Again Amy sat by her boy watching and waiting. What else was there to be
done? He still slept--slept uneasily, troubled with that short, dry
cough.
Later on in the evening, when Dr. Bernard--whose mild hopeful face and
kind cheering voice inspiring her poor heart with courage,--had been,
and when the hours were creeping on into night a knock sounded at the
door.
"Miss Strickland is outside, Ma'am, and wants to come in. Shall I let
her?" asked Hannah.
Amy went out and closed the door behind her, and looked with unmoved
eyes on Frances' flushed and anxious face.
"How is he? May I go in?" she asked, eagerly.
"Never, with my permission," was the chilling reply.
"Only for five minutes; I am not afraid of the fever, and my looking at
him can do him no harm. I will promise not to stay longer than that."
"No. You shall not go in for half a minute, even."
"You cannot be so cruel," said Frances; "you cannot tell how frightened
and anxious I am. Oh! do let me see him."
"I will not," said Amy, angrily.
"Cruel, hard-hearted mother," cried Frances. "I know he has asked for
me. I know he has called for me!"
"I thank God he has not," replied Amy, "for _that_ would break my
heart."
"Then he will ask for me; and if he does, you will send for me, won't
you?"
"Never!" said Amy, as she turned away.
"Oh! Mrs. Vavasour, I love the boy; don't you see that my heart is
breaking while you stand there so pitilessly."
"Had you loved the boy," said Amy, "you would not have crushed the
mother's heart. What had I done to you, Frances Strickland, that you
should pursue me so cruelly, first as a girl, when I never injured you,
and then--now you have taken my husband's love from me, and would take
my boy's also? But I will stand between him and you, cruel girl, as long
as I live."
"Don't say so. Think--think--what if he should die?" said Frances,
fearfully.
"Ah! God help me!" said Amy; she could say no more. But Frances clung to
her dress.
"It is I who should say, God help me!" she cried; "don't you know I took
Bertie to the cottage where he caught the fever? Oh! Mrs. Vavasour, you
don't know half my agony and remorse, or what I suffered when I found
out what I had done."
"My boy's illness, my husband's scorn, broken hopes, and grieving heart,
my crushed spirit, all--all I owe to you. May God forgive you, Miss
Strickland."
"Yes, yes; God forgive me. I deny nothing. But, oh! will not you forgive
me, Mrs. Vavasour? I will try, I will, indeed, to make amends."
This abject appeal from the proud Frances? But Amy scarcely heeded it.
"You cannot make amends," she said, despairingly. "It is past
atonement--this great wrong you have done."
"Oh! do not be so harsh and cruel to me; your heart was soft enough
once."
"It was. You have changed it, and are the first to feel its hardness. I
am no longer what I was; but for my boy I should turn into a stone, or
die."
"And I? What am I to do? If--if anything should happen to Bertie. Oh! I
shall go mad," she cried. "Think of my grief then. I, who unwittingly
gave him this fever; think what my heart would feel, what it even feels
now; and be not so merciless."
"No, not half so merciless as your bad heart has been. I can give you no
greater punishment than your own guilty remorse, and frightened heart. I
will remain no longer, Miss Strickland. You shall not see my boy!"
And Amy left Frances weeping, perhaps the first _genuine_ repentant
tears she had ever shed.
Robert sat at his boy's bed-side all that night, cooling his burning
forehead and heated head with the cold wet cloth dipped in vinegar and
water, or holding him up in his arms while his poor parched lips feebly
yet eagerly drank from the cup his mother held so tremblingly before
him, while Frances alternately walked her room despairingly, or crouched
away in the dark on the stairs near, her ear vainly trying to catch the
words of those mournful watchers and nurses who stepped about so softly
in the sick chamber beyond.