I AM FRIGHTENED OF MY SHADOW.
I have already mentioned the name of the servant whom my grandmother
brought with her to our house; it was Jane Painter. She had
been with my grandmother for many years, from girlhood I believe,
and she was now about thirty years of age. In appearance she was
a thin, sharp-featured, pale-faced woman; in manners she was a
viciously-minded creature, fond of pinching children on the sly in
tender places, assuming the while, to deceive observers, an expression
of amiability, which intensified the malignity of her conduct. From
the moment she entered our house she became the enemy of every person
in it, and waged open and secret war upon all of us. Her service with
my grandmother had been a very easy one, but things were different
when her mistress changed her residence. She had to do double the work
she had been accustomed to, and as we were the direct cause of this,
she was not slow in showing resentment. My mother, patient as she
always was, made light of the woman's infirmities of temper, believing
that she was necessary to my grandmother; Jane Painter, however,
declined to accept the olive-branch which my mother held out to her,
and would certainly not have remained in the house but for one
inducement. This was made clear to us a very few days after the
change. My mother had occasion to remonstrate with her for some
piece of impertinence, and Jane Painter ran into my grandmother's room
in a fury, and demanded to know if she was to be treated like a
galley-slave. My mother stood quietly by, listening to the servant's
complainings. Said my grandmother,
'You must do what my daughter desires you to do, Jane. I told her you
would help her in the house.'
'I won't be ordered about as if I was a bit of dirt!' exclaimed Jane
Painter, gasping.
'O Jane!' remonstrated my mother.
'Don't O Jane me!' and then followed the unreasoning argument. 'I'm
flesh and blood the same as you are!'
'Jane,' said my grandmother, 'I mustn't be worried; my nerves won't
stand it. I sha'n't be here long, and you know what I have promised
you.'
'Whose servant am I--yours or hers?'
'Mine, Jane, and a very good servant you've been. I hope for your own
sake you are not going to be different now.'
'Haven't I served you faithfully?' asked Jane Painter, sobbing herself
into a quieter emotional stage.
'Yes, Jane, yes; and you shall be remembered for it.'
'Haven't I waited on you hand and foot?'
'Yes, Jane, yes; and you shall be remembered.'
'When you was took bad with the spasms,' blubbered Jane, didn't I stop
up with you all night till I was fit to drop?'
'Yes, Jane; and I haven't forgotten you for it. You shall be
remembered, I tell you.'
By being remembered, my grandmother meant that Jane Painter was set
down in her will for a certain portion of the contents of her long
stocking; and but for this inducement it was pretty clear that Jane
Painter would have taken her departure. The war she waged against us
from this time was passive, but bitter. I, as the recognised heir to
the long stocking, and as being likely, therefore, to diminish her
portion, came in for the largest share of her ill-temper and
animosity, and she showed much ingenuity in devising means to torment
me. Parting my hair on the wrong side, brushing it into my eyes,
rubbing the soap in my mouth and only half-wiping my face after I was
washed, buttoning my clothes awry, running pins into me, holding me
suspended by one arm as we went down stairs; these were the smallest
of my sufferings. An incident, laughable in itself, but exceedingly
painful in its effect upon me, comes vividly to my remembrance here;
and it afforded Jane Painter an opportunity of inventing a new
torture, and of inflicting upon me the sharpest and most terrible
distress I ever experienced. It occurred in this way:
Whether it was that the dull companionship of a peevish old woman was
having its due effect upon me, or whether it sprang from my natural
constitution, I was growing to be very nervous. I was frightened of
being alone in the dark; a sudden noise startled me painfully; any
unusual exhibition of tenderness brought tears to my eyes. One bright
summer afternoon I was sitting with my grandmother. Everything about
me was very quiet; my grandmother had not spoken for a long time, and
I listened to the regular sound of her breathing which told me she was
asleep. I tried all kinds of devices to while away the time. I looked
at the wall and traced the pattern of the paper; I tried to stare the
monkey-man on the mantelshelf out of countenance; I closed my eyes and
placed the tips of my forefingers on them, and then opened them to
assure myself that the world had not come to an end; I counted the
rise and fall of my grandmother's capacious bosom till I grew so
confused that the billows before me seemed to swell and fill the room.
There was no pleasure to be gained from any of these tasks, and I felt
weary and dispirited. The sunshine streaming in at the parlour-window
seemed to say, 'Why are you stopping in that dull room? Come out and
play.' I gazed wistfully at the light, and thought how nice it would
be outside. I felt that I _should_ like to go. But I knew from rueful
experience how cross my grandmother would be if I made a noise and
awoke her; and I was so tightly fixed in my little armchair that I
could not extricate myself without a struggle. I dared not attempt to
wrench myself free from its embrace in the room; it might fall to the
ground. There was nothing for it but to try and escape from the room
with the chair fixed to me. The sunshine grew brighter and brighter,
and more and more tempting. My grandmother really seemed to be fast
asleep. I stretched out my hand and touched her dress: she always
dressed in silk, and sat in state. Her steady breathing continued. I
coughed, and whispered, 'Grandmother!' but she did not hear. I spoke
more loudly. 'Grandmother!' There was no response, and then I thought
I would venture. I rose, with my chair attached to me--the firmest and
closest of friends--and crept slowly and softly out of the room into
the passage. There I released myself, and then ran out into the
sunshine. In aglow of delight I flitted about like a butterfly escaped
from prison. I was in the full height of my enjoyment, when turning my
head over my shoulder, I saw my long ungainly shadow following me, and
in sudden unreasoning fright I ran away from it. I screamed in terror
as I saw it racing fast at my heels, as if trying to leap upon me and
seize me, and my mother happening at that moment to come to the
street-door, I flew towards her in a paroxysm of terror, and,
clutching tight hold of her, hid my face in her gown. In that position
my mother, with soothing words, drew me into the house, and I was only
pacified by being assured that the 'black man' who had frightened me
had disappeared; and certainly, when I was persuaded to look around I
saw no trace of him. My grandmother, awakened by my screams, did not
fail to give me a solemn lecture for my bad behaviour in stealing from
the room, and she improved the occasion by making me tremble with new
fears by her dreadful prophecies as to what the 'black man' would do
to me if I dared to be naughty again. The incident had a serious
effect upon me, and I was ill for a week afterwards. The doctor who
was attending my father said that I was of a peculiarly sensitive
temperament, and that great care must be taken of me.
'The nervousness,' he said, which has been the cause of his fright
may, if not counteracted, produce bad results by-and-by. The lad's
nature is essentially womanly and delicate. None the worse for
that--none the worse for that!'
He laid his hand upon my head in a very kind manner, and tears rushed
to my eyes. Seeing these, he immediately removed his hand, and gave my
cheek a merry pinch.
'He will grow out of it?' questioned my mother, anxiously.
'Oh, yes,' was the reply, cheerfully uttered, 'he will grow out of it;
but you must be careful with him. Don't let him mope; give him plenty
of exercise and fresh air.'
'I should like a pony,' I said. My mother's troubled eyes sought the
floor. If she could only have seen a magic pumpkin there!
'Then,' continued the doctor, until he is older and stronger I would
fill his mind with cheerful fancies. Tell him as many stories as you
please of fairies, and princesses, and flowers, and such-like; but
none about ghosts. You would like to hear about beautiful fairies
rising out of flower-bells, and sailing in the clouds, and floating on
the water in lilies, would you not, my lad?'
I nodded gaily; his bright manner was better than all the medicine.
'Do they really do all these things, sir?'
'Surely; for such as you, my boy.' I clapped my hands. 'You see!' he
said to my mother.
Many a time after this did my mother ransack her mental store, and
bring forth bright-coloured fancies to make me glad. She told Jane
Painter what the doctor said, and asked her to tell me the prettiest
stories she knew. Jane Painter replied with one of her sweetest
smiles. It was part of her duties to put me to bed every night, and
one night, soon after I was well, she came into my room in the dark,
as I was lying half awake and half asleep. She crept up the stairs and
into the room so stealthily that I had no consciousness of her
presence until a sepulchral voice stole upon my ears saying,
'Ho! Mister Friar, Don't be so bold, For fear you should make My
'eart's blood run cold!'
My heart's blood did run cold at these dreadful words, and I uttered a
cry of fright. Then Jane Painter spoke in her natural tone.
'I knew a boy once, and his name was Namby-Pamby. He was the greatest
coward that ever breathed, and he was always telling tales. I know
what happened to him at last. You're like him. Perhaps it'll happen to
you. A fine boy you are! You ought to have been born a rabbit. I
suppose you'll tell your mother. All cowards do.' Here she must have
put her head up the chimney, for her voice sounded very hollow as she
repeated, 'Ho! Mister Friar, Don't be so bold, For fear you should
make My 'eart's blood run cold!'
I cannot describe my terror. I wrapped the counterpane tightly round
my head, and lay all of a tremble until Jane Painter thought fit to
take her departure. From that night she inflicted the most dreadful
tortures upon me. The first thing she did after putting me to bed was
to blow out the candle; then she would calmly sit down and tell me
frightful stories of murders and ghosts. Blood was her favourite
theme; she absolutely revelled in it, and to this day I cannot look
upon it without a shudder. She would prowl about the room, muttering:
'I smell blood! I smell blood!'
And then:
'Let him be alive, Or let him be dead, I'll have his blood to make my
wine, I'll grind his bones to make my bread.'
After that she would grind her teeth, and make sounds as though she
were drinking.
'Serve him right, too, the little coward! Grind his bones on two large
stones. His blood and brine I'll drink for wine.'
I suffered this martyrdom in silence. I would not tell my mother, as
all cowards did. What the effect on me would have been if
circumstances had allowed Jane Painter to continue her persecution I
am afraid to think; but fortunately for me the event occurred which
she was waiting for. My grandmother died very suddenly. The last words
she was heard to utter were, Poor Anthony!' I was not sorry when she
died. I tried to look sad, as everybody else looked, but I knew that I
was a dreadful hypocrite.