Next day, George, according to his promise, went to the bishop’s
lodging; but no sooner did the bishop see George, than he saluted
him with these words:
Your servant, master wise man,
And yet you have no books:
How can one have knowledge,
That no man instructs?
George answered,
Your servant, master bishop,
Your salutation’s good:
Your knowledge is in your library,
While other’s is in their hood.
Now, after a sumptuous dinner, the bishop took George into his
library, showing him a great quantity of books; which George
praised very much, and among the rest, was an old Hebrew Bible,
which George taking up, asked the bishop what book it was? the
bishop looking at it very sincerely, said he could not tell. Why
then do you keep a book, you don’t know the name of? It may be the
book of black art. No, I don’t think that, said the bishop, but can
you tell what it is? Yes, says George, it is the Bible, the best
book for a bishop I know, if he had eyes to see the inside of it.
So he desired George to read a piece of it: but when he did, he
could not understand it; therefore, he desired him to explain it:
which sentence he did as follows, Isaiah ix. 19, “For the leaders
of this people cause them to err: and they that are led of them,
are destroyed.” To which George added, This is the blind leading
the blind. So, taking his leave of the bishop, he parted with him,
saying these words:
Good night, hail master bishop,
Of books you have great store;
Yet cannot read the half of them;
Then what use are they for?
Many of the clergymen in England desired greatly to be in company
of George, because of his comical and witty expressions; so George
happened one night to be called into a company, where there were
two bishops, as also a priest who wanted to be licensed by them.
One of the bishops asked George, why the people in Scotland did
not love bishops? Because, says George, they are like old beggars,
advanced to be rulers over barrow-men, still instructing them in
things they know not themselves, ordering them to carry stones
to the builders, which they will not receive, and which they
themselves had never power to move; the Scots having knowledge of
this, hate to see bishops have great lordships for their ignorance,
and the poor labourer have little or nothing for their toil. One of
the bishops looking at George, with an angry countenance, answered,
saying, You Scot must be made a bishop yourself, and we bishops
made priests, and that will serve well for your turn. No, no, said
George, that will not do; for if I be made a bishop, I’ll have no
broken bishops to serve as priests under me, for they are such
bad masters they’ll become the worst of all servants. At this the
two bishops left the room in a great passion, leaving George and
the young priest only by themselves. Now, now, says George, this
proves the bishops to be but hirelings, and not true shepherds,
pointing to the young priest, you see they are fled for their own
safety and they have left you a lamb, before the mouth of me a fox,
and who knows but I may worry you! Run, run, too, master sheep,
says George, and if you have eyes guide them two blind shepherds
down stairs, and over ditches, but I am afraid you’ll tumble
all in a ditch together. This raised such an indignation in the
bishops’ breasts, that they desired no more of George’s company or
conversation.
One time after this, George being in the country about twenty miles
from London, and on his way homeward, came up after him a fine
gilded coach, which George being informed belonged to the bishop
of Canterbury, and was going to London for his lordship; George
addresses himself to the coachman, for to have a passage with him
in the coach to London; so he bargained with the coachman for two
dollars to carry him to the Bell inn on London bridge; the one he
gave him in hand, as he entered the coach door, and the other he
was to give him as soon as ever he would see him come out at the
coach door; so away the coachman drives for London in all haste; in
which time George wrote the following MOTTO:
Here sits the bishop of Canterbury,
Who at the schools disdain’d to tarry,
Far better skill’d at games than preaching.
Although he lives by others teaching
Blind leaders of the blind indeed;
’Tis blind and lame who chariots need,
Six brutes with eyes, this brute doth carry,
I mean the bishop of Canterbury.
My feet being lame, I gave a dollar,
To be drove in state like you a scholar;
For which, myself I do abhor;
Shame caus’d me make another door.
These lines George battered upon the inside of the coach, and when
he came within a mile of London, took a knife, and cut a great hole
in the backside of the coach, where he came out; and to make his
promise good to the coachman, that he was to give him the other
dollar as soon as ever he saw him come out at the coach-door. The
poor coachman drove on till he came to the foresaid inn, where he
alighted and opened the door to let out his passenger; but seeing
the coach empty, and a great hole in the backside of it, he cried
out, he believed he had had the devil in the coach, and that he had
taken away the backside of it with him. The people of the inn came
all flocking about to see what was done, and then perceiving the
lines on the inside of the coach, which the bishop came and read
himself, they all concluded it to be done by George, but could make
nothing of it; for, the bishop said, to pursue him might make it
worse, but no better.
George was invited one day by a great lawyer to come and see a new
building which he had lately built of fine freestone and marble.
He desired George to guess what it was built with; George answers,
Do you think that I do not know what it is built with: No, you do
not, says the lawyer: Yes, I do, says George; it cannot stand long,
for malice and hatred is the mortar of it, and the stones are the
heads of foolish people, polished over with the tongue of an ass.
What, says the lawyer, do you compare me to an ass? O! sir, don’t
you remember that an ass was made an advocate, and spoke against
Balaam. The lawyer to this would give no answer, but took good
night of George.
Three merchants, pedlars (as they professed to be) came with a pack
of goods, to put a trick upon a widow Woman who kept an inn on
the highway side; after they had drunk very hearty, they desired
the Woman to lay up the pack securely, and charged her strictly,
before witnesses, to deliver it to none of them, unless they came
altogether for it again, and in about three weeks thereafter, two
of them returned and desired the woman to give them the pack:
telling her, that the other man was gone to such a fair with
another pack, where they were all to meet; and that they were
fellow-travellers, conjunct in trade, and how they all had a right
to the pack alike; whereupon the poor simple Woman, not dreading
any further harm, gave them the pack. So in a few days thereafter,
the other man comes and demands the pack; the honest Woman told
him plainly, that the other two men had been there before, and got
it away: then he began to demonstrate to the Woman, what great
danger she was in, and forthwith raised a process against her
by law, which cost the poor Woman a vast of money to defend, as
the plea continued more than two full years: and a great court
being one day to sit upon the process to decide it, which would
undoubtedly have been done in favour of the pursuer, the proof
being so clear, and the woman herself not denying what the bargain
was when she got the pack to keep. The poor Woman being in great
straits, her purse being turned empty, and her attorney told her
plainly, as her money was done, he could no longer defend her;
the Woman once more plucked up her heart, and went to London to
employ a new attorney to speak for her; but for want of gold, she
could get none to undertake it. George being in a house where
he heard the poor Woman making a mournful complaint to one of
her attornies, who gave her no comfort or satisfaction; for when
she told him, she had no money to spend, or give in defence of
it, the attorney went away and would hear no more of the Woman’s
grievous complaint, which made George to laugh very heartily,
while the poor Widow sat weeping like one distracted. Poor woman,
says George, you need not think that man will speak a word for
you, or any else, unless you had brought him a purse of gold to
loose his tongue; but as I have got a scheme in the matter, you
may go home, and have patience until the time come; and then, my
life for yours, poor Woman, that I shall send you an attorney, who
will do your business for nothing. He gave the poor Woman more
courage than any she had spoken with in London; for every one
told her, that all the attornies in the World could not free her.
So accordingly at the day appointed, George dressed himself like
an attorney with his gown, and every thing as he had been really
so. The court being fenced, and the process read over, expences
and the value of the pack, having amounted to above seven hundred
pounds, was ordered to be put in decreet against the poor Widow,
which every one was bemoaning, but could give her no relief. Now
George kept himself silent, hearing them all with great patience,
until the very nick of time, he thought proper to address himself
to the judges as followeth. My lords, judges and gentlemen of this
honourable Court and company, I have come from London, gratis, out
of pure pity, to speak a word or two in favour of this poor Woman,
who hath exhausted all her means in defence of a false accusation
charged against her; and now when her money is gone, her speakers
are dumb, and I see none to plead the cause of this poor Widow.
Now, when sentence is upon the tapis of being pronounced against
her, I earnestly desire this court to modify and drop the expences
altogether. It is enough when the poor Woman has the pack to pay:
for you all know the woman was no way enriched by it, when the
other two men got it away. Then the pursuers attorney made answer
as follows. Sir, I would have thought that you, who have come from
London, and professes to be a doctor of law, should know better
things; know ye not, that he who gains the plea, gains his expences
as well as the sum, or be what it will. Yes, it must, and shall be
so, said the judges. Then, said George, This is all I want; which
set the whole court a-laughing, thinking he was a fool and become
an adversary to the poor Woman. Give over your sport, gentlemen,
says George, I have not done yet.--My lords, judges, you’ll bear me
in this, if the poor Woman made a bargain with this merchant, and
the other two who was with him, for to keep that pack safely, and
to deliver it to none of them, until they were all three present;
now, let that man, who is here at the time, go and seek the other
two, and they shall have their pack, for she has the pack safe
enough; but she will keep by her first bargain. So I refer to you,
judges and gentlemen, if this poor Woman be not in the right. This
made the judges look one to another, and the whole Court with one
voice, declared the Woman to be in the right, and ordered the
pursuer to go and seek his two companions. No, no, says George, the
poor Woman must first have her expences, or security for it. Then
the judges caused the pursuer to be arrested at the bar, until the
Woman got satisfaction for all her trouble and expences. So George
returned to London unknown, but for an advocate, whose fame was
spread over all England; which caused many who had law-suits to
search through London for him, but could never find the advocate
who had gained the Widow’s law-plea.
George being one day in the country, and coming thro’ a village,
there came a great big mastiff dog and gripped him by the leg,
until the blood followed his long teeth; George, with one stroke of
his cane came over his eyes, until he fell down and died upon the
spot; ’tis well for thee, says George, that I killed thee before
thou wast brought to justice, for thou hadst certainly been hanged
for what thou hast done, and thy master severely fined for keeping
thee. The owner of the dog hearing George say so, went off without
speaking a word to George, for fear it had been so.
A country gentleman came one time, and enquired at George what he
thought was the reason he lost every law-suit or plea he set his
face to; though never so just a claim, the law went still against
him. George asked him, whom he employed, and he told him, that he
was one of the best and ablest attorneys in England. Yes, says
George, I believe he may be so; but when you go to law again, if
you have a mind to win it, when you give your own attorney a guinea
give your adversary two; for these attornies are much after the
nature of an ass, they won’t speak right, if you do not throw a
multitude of angels before them (meaning pieces of English money,
called angels by name). The gentleman returned in a few weeks
thereafter, and heartily thanked George for his good advice, for
he was not afraid now, but he could gain any plea he took in hand,
just or unjust.[205]
Two drunken fellows one day fell a-beating one another on the
streets of London, which caused a great croud of people to throng
together to see what it was; a taylor being at work up in a high
garret, about three or four stories high, and he hearing the noise
in the street, looked over the window, but could not well see them;
he began to stretch himself, making a long neck until he fell down
out of the window, and alighted on an old man, who was walking on
the street: the poor taylor was more afraid than hurt, but the
man he fell on died directly. His son caused the taylor to be
apprehended, and tried for the murder of his father; the jury could
not bring it in as wilful murder, neither could they altogether
free the taylor; the jury gave it over to the judges, and the
judges to the king: the king asked George’s advice in this hard
matter. Why, says George, I will give you my opinion in a minute;
you must cause the taylor to stand in the street, in the same place
where the old gentleman was when he was killed by the taylor, and
then let the old gentleman’s son, the taylor’s adversary, go up to
the window from whence the taylor fell, and jump down, and so kill
the taylor, as he did his father; for I can make no more of it. You
see it was a great mercy for the taylor he had the old gentleman
below him, else he had been killed on the spot; and that it was
the old gentleman’s lot or misfortune to die there. The taylor’s
adversary hearing this sentence past, he would not venture to jump
over the window, and so the taylor got clear off.