Those who have followed me thus far through this sad, eventful history
must have perceived that the little refinements of home life with which
we had started to adorn our domestic hearth were being gradually starved
to death. Yes, I know that many people will contemptuously allude to
these "little refinements" as "little affectations." It all depends upon
the point of view. I have been in towns where a man bold enough to wear
a clean collar and a whole suit was disdainfully voted a dude; I have
flitted through communities that would have derisively hooted at a silk
hat. In western villages I have seen a gloved hand impertinently stared
at, and have heard it discussed as a triumph of effeminacy--the sort of
thing that might have caused the downfall of the Roman Empire. It all
depends, assuredly, upon the point of view.
Our troubles were, of course, largely due to our bringing-up. We
believed in the home, not as a mere place to sleep in, or a
city-directory address for the reception of letters, but as the main
feature of our life. We wanted to live there, entertain our friends
there, and later on, perhaps, die there. The "bluff and genial" men
will, of course, assert that I was a milksop, because I declined to sit
around in shirt-sleeves, in the presence of my wife, and commune
unaffectedly with the usual hand-painted cuspidor. The "bluff and
genial" women will vote my poor Letitia airy because she didn't polish
kitchen stoves, or hang out the very intimacies of her underwear on
pulley lines. You see, we had always been lucky enough to find women
willing to do these odd jobs for us. In business, a broker isn't
considered a dude because he declines to be his own office-boy. He
obtains the luxury of "help." His office-boy is perhaps an anarchist,
but his wings are clipped and he receives no encouragement. Why is it
that Letitia, perfectly willing to pay somebody to remove the rough
edges from domestic existence, should be dubbed airy?
Certainly every well-regulated person with a home must rebel at the
notion of opening the front door every time the bell rings. Surely each
self-respecting man or women covets the privilege of being "out" to
unwelcome visitors. The mere idea of being always "in" to every Tom,
Dick and Harry, is loathsome. Yet that was our plight. If our bitterest
enemy called, he would see us. The sweetest lie in the world is that
told by the neat-handed Phyllis, when she pertly remarks "Not at home"
to the unloved caller. That sweetest lie was an impossibility for poor
Letitia and her husband.
And so it was on the evening of the second day after the departure of
the _svensk_ atrocity, Letitia came to me in the dining-room, as I
smoked the pipe of alleged peace, in a most mysterious manner. She had a
card in her hand, and her mood was--if I may say so--hectic.
"We shall have to see her, Archie," she said. "You see, I couldn't say I
was out. She was very persistent, and pushed her way in. I was obliged
to ask her into the drawing-room. She is"--reading the card--"Miss
Priscilla Perfoozle."
"A cook!" I exclaimed joyously. "Oh, Letitia, I'm so glad!"
"No, Archie. She is Miss Priscilla Perfoozle, representing"--again
reading the card--"the Society for the Amelioration of the Condition of
the Cooks of New York City."
I thought Letitia was joking--that, perchance, a horrible sense of humor
was sprouting. We had dined out, most pleasantly, and were temporarily
lulled into an agreeable lethargy of endurance. If this were a jest, it
was certainly a very sorry one. I sprang up and looked at the card.
There was no deception. It was, as Letitia said, the pasteboard of "Miss
Priscilla Perfoozle, representing the Society for the Amelioration of
the Condition of the Cooks of New York City."
"What--impertinence!" I exclaimed, and the little dash between the two
words signifies a profane expression that never before, during our short
married life, had I been tempted to use.
Letitia flushed. "Don't, dear," she said. "We must see her. It can't do
any harm, for we have nothing to do. And, Archie, _please_ don't be
rude, or impolite. Remember, I beg of you, that you are in your own
house."
I always was when my system simply pined for a bit of impoliteness.
Whenever I ached to be rude, I was reminded that I was at home. It was
most exasperating. However, I promised Letitia that there should be no
outbreak; that I would be as suave as I could, and that Miss Priscilla
Perfoozle should escape with all her bones intact--and the sooner the
better.
We found her seated by the tiger-head, over which I firmly believed and
hoped that she had tripped, for she was rubbing her shin. She was a
large, gaunt, yellow spinster, with a loose, flappy mouth, that looked
as though it should have been buttoned up when she was not using it.
She wore black silk, like the ruined ladies in melodrama, and a neat
bonnet, fastened under her chin by velvet strings.
She rose, as we entered, and unchained a smile. It was one of those
smiles that some Christians call loving. Her unbuttoned mouth--even a
hook-and-eye on each lip would have been most serviceable--revealed a
picturesque of the falsest sort of false teeth (this style ten dollars),
but she was not a bit abashed. I felt perfectly convinced that she was
determined to love us--that, even if we threw a vase at her, she would
still consider us ineffably dear. She extended her hand to each of us--a
hand in a black _glacé_ kid glove that was too long for her fingers.
"Be seated," said Letitia, with much unnecessary dignity.
"I dare say you have heard of the Society for the Amelioration of the
Condition of the Cooks in New York City," she began chastely; "you must
have read of the good work it is doing in the interests of those poor,
downtrodden girls who seek only to earn a living in the houses of the
rich and prosperous. The good work the society is doing, Mrs.
Fairfax--by-the-by, I obtained your name at Mrs. Greaseheaver's
intelligence office--is beyond all question. I am merely a missionary,
aiming by means of heart-to-heart talks to awaken an interest, a human
interest, in the sad lives of domestic servants, so that a few rays of
sunlight may ultimately permeate their dull and wretched days."
Letitia looked pleadingly at me, as I moved uneasily. She laid her hand,
as though unconsciously, upon an Indian paper-cutter in my vicinity. The
edges were very sharp.
"My heart aches for them," continued Miss Perfoozle feelingly, "I might
almost say that it bleeds. I listen to their stories day by day, in
tears--positively tears, Mrs. Fairfax. It is perhaps silly of me to give
way--I know I am a foolish little thing--but I can not help it. I am
very, very susceptible. I am devoting my life to the glorious task of
improving their state. By the distribution of tracts, we reach the poor
girls themselves. They come to us; we board and bed them, and we
endeavor to place them with ladies whose antecedents we have diligently
investigated."
"You have an intelligence office, then?" asked Letitia naïvely.
"Ah, do not say it," implored Miss Perfoozle, with ten black _glacé_
fingers outstretched like claws. "The term has passed into such
disrepute, dear Mrs. Fairfax. Naturally our society has to be
supported, though most of the ladies comprising its members would
gladly give their little all to the beautiful cause. My little all, I
frequently contribute."
"Then your society depends upon these little alls?" I asked, peacefully
resolved to probe the Perfoozle as a pastime.
"It could not be," she replied piously. "We charge the girls we place a
percentage of their first salary--merely a nominal percentage, dear Mrs.
Fairfax. We seek to place them with reputable, God-fearing
people--Christians preferred, though we have no rooted objections to
Jews. Our society has decided that the question of domestic help _is_ a
question merely because most employers are cruel and abusive. Treat the
employers and not the girls. That, dear Mr. and Mrs. Fairfax, is the
motto of the Society for the Amelioration of the Condition of the Cooks
in New York City."
Letitia withdrew her hand from the Indian paper-knife, after pushing it
in my direction. I gleaned from that trifling fact that Letitia was
quite willing to let me do my worst. Her face flushed as she listened to
the dulcet utterances of the sweetly insolent Perfoozle.
"If I mistake not," continued the spinster, "you employed a worker
calling herself Mrs. McCaffrey?"
Letitia started. I winced. Horrible memories surged within us. Old
wounds re-ached. We did not answer.
"A most worthy person," resumed the Perfoozle serenely, "a beautiful
character. A Christian. She came to us, Mrs. Fairfax, crushed. Her
little girl--one of the sweetest little things I have met--contracted
mumps, she tells me, owing to the unsanitary conditions of the house. I
am not here to scold. I have no right to do so. But, frankly, I must
admit that my warm sympathies were extended toward Mrs. McCaffrey. Do
not be angry with me, Mrs. Fairfax. We are all human creatures, working
in a common cause. You look good and kind, both of you, yet in the case
of poor Birdie, will you let me say that I can not give you right? I
dare not. Ah, my dear young people, why--why should you torture human
souls? Think--think that you may meet your cooks in the after-life."
This was a horrid aspect of immortality that I had never contemplated.
Letitia was smiling, almost as though she possessed a sense of humor. My
wife's mood inspired me. We might probably dally with Priscilla
Perfoozle for a half-hour or so.
"We hope to go to Heaven, Miss Perfoozle," I ventured, with a sacred
intonation.
"I hope so, too, dear young people," she bleated.
"In that case, we shall not meet our cooks," I continued. "All those we
have had will most assuredly go to hell, as incompetent, abusive,
mercenary, home-destroying, ignorant obstructions. You have no branches
in--er--hell, Miss Perfoozle?"
I had mentally suggested dallying toyfully with Priscilla, for a
half-hour or so. The gentle query anent Hades showed me instantly,
however, that while Priscilla was a good many things, she was not a
fool. Her eyes snapped at my remark, and one of them, that looked a
trifle squinty, turned deliberately inward, and gave her a most sinister
aspect. Piety was certainly hers, in a Pecksniffian sense, but the
commercial instinct leavened the loaf. That she intended to be-cook us
from her own larder, was manifest; that she wished to "investigate" us
so that she could be certain of one month for her cook and its happy
percentage for herself, was clear. There was method in the Perfoozle
madness, and I resolved calmly, and unangrily, to "see it through."
"You are profane, Mr. Fairfax," she said with a sickly smile, "but I
expect it. The laborers in humanity's vineyard have much to contend
with. But we persevere. We are smitten on one cheek, but we cheerfully
turn the other. Moreover, you do not mean to offend. I know it. I bear
no malice. We will say no more about the poor widow, Mrs. McCaffrey,
whom, by-the-by, I have placed on Fifth Avenue, at a salary of forty
dollars per month."
"I'm sorry for your percentage, Miss Perfoozle," remarked Letitia with
glorious acidity. "You can see it, perhaps. I can't."
"You think--" began the spinster nervously, moved by the pecuniary
insinuation.
"No," retorted Letitia. "I am sure."
Miss Perfoozle was silent for a moment, plunged in thought. Perhaps,
like Mr. James Russell of variety renown, she thought she saw two
dollars. However, although by no means naked, she was unashamed. She
righted herself speedily. Piety was reinstated and she beamed upon us
beatifically.
"Your troubles," she went on, "and I am right in assuming that you have
them?--are not serious, my dear young people. They are the result of the
ugly American habit of flouting inferiors. This is a democracy, yet the
classes are too bitterly outlined. Some time ago, I visited a young
couple in a walk of life more humble than yours. They had been unable to
keep help. They were desperate. They talked of breaking up their home. I
carefully investigated their case, and discovered that the evil was due
to the fact that they had been taught to regard a cook as an inferior.
I undertook to send them a young country girl, who was very anxious to
study New York. My condition was that they treat her as an equal. At
first they rebelled, but--they were desperate. They agreed. I sent them
the girl--a sweet young woman, named Sybil Montmorency. They took to her
at once. She sat at table with them; she went out with them; in the
evenings, she read with them. They showed her the sights of New
York--the Statue of Liberty, the Aquarium, the new Bridge. Sybil was
delighted. She told me that she felt that she was merely a boarder--and
was actually paid to board. She liked it immensely. She was as happy as
a lark, until--"
"I suppose she needed a change of scene?" I suggested.
"Not at all," viciously asserted the Perfoozle. "They broke their
agreement--deliberately. It appears that they were very musical. They
had subscribed for the series of Philharmonic concerts. Actually--would
you believe it, Mrs. Fairfax?--they declined to live up to their word.
They refused to take little Sybil, who was just as musical as
they--precisely as musical. Naturally the poor child was incensed. There
she was, compelled to sit at home, alone, while they were out enjoying
themselves! Now, this is a democratic country--I am an American to the
roots of my hair--and I admit that I was furious. I have blacklisted
this couple. Never another girl shall they have from my establishment. I
have Sybil on my hands. She is hard to place, for she is so pure and
good."
"I suppose she is an excellent cook?" I asked demurely.
"I never permitted myself to ask her such a question," replied Miss
Perfoozle. "In the case of some women, of course, such questions may be
necessary. It would have been an impertinence in the instance of Miss
Montmorency. Such a girl was an ornament to any home. I suppose she
could cook. Anybody can. It is a detail. Of course, the case I have just
mentioned is extreme. I do not insist upon terms of equality. The
haughtiness of American women render equality impossible, just at
present. Later on, perhaps, when the glorious spirit of democracy--the
democracy of Jefferson--has really instilled itself into our
institutions. But, I beg of you, Mrs. Fairfax, as you hope for domestic
happiness, to try and avoid the use of that most pernicious word,
servant. Ah, my blood boils at the word."
"You prefer help?" asked Letitia.
"It is a nice point. Help has also become equally obnoxious. I call my
girls house-mates, or domestic companions, or house-aids. Poor
downtrodden women! They love to be called companions. Their hearts
expand at the notion of companionship. Let me ask you one thing, Mrs.
Fairfax." (She deliberately snubbed me.) "Have you ever sought to
analyze the sensations of one of our dear sisters, when she goes out for
the first time, to cook for strange people in a strange house, far away
from her loved ones?"
"Well," said Letitia quite amiably, "I suppose that her sensations, if
she doesn't know what cooking means, must be uncomfortable. She must
feel, or should feel, that she is obtaining money under false pretenses.
If she _can_ cook, she is probably pleased at the notion of earning her
own living."
"Ah, you are hard, hard!" groaned Perfoozle, wringing her _glacé_ kids.
"You are relentless. I am sorry I told you the story of Sybil
Montmorency. But do not believe"--her commercial instinct apparently sat
up and snorted--"that all my girls are similar. This case was unique,
though I trust that in the years to come it will be quite ordinary, and
everyday. What I am particularly anxious to tell you, for you are bound
to be impressed by the fact, is that the authority of Pope Pius IX is
exquisitely permeated through our scheme."
"Hasn't the Pope a cook?" I asked, wondering how he would like Mrs.
Potzenheimer as an ornament to the Vatican--or gentle Gerda Lyberg.
"Ah, I beseech you, Mr. Fairfax!" cried Priscilla, her lips flapping.
"The Pope has laid down certain rules to govern the Christian democracy.
Thanks to a Paulist Father--who has one of our girls at thirty-two
dollars a month (and she has already been there four days!)--I have been
able to see those rules. The Holy Father says that it is an obligation
for the rich and for those that own property, to succor the poor and the
indigent, according to the precepts of the Gospel. They must not injure
their savings by violence or fraud, nor expose them to corruption or
danger of scandal, nor alienate them from the spirit of family life, nor
impose on them labor beyond their strength or unsuitable to their age or
sex--"
"Pardon me," I interrupted, "but what do you suppose the Pope would say
if he found his cook taking a bath in the kitchen, among the dinner
things?"
"You shock me!" cried Miss Perfoozle, with a little shriek. "You shock
me, but--again I say--I do not mind. We missionaries must expect it. The
Pope, dear brother Fairfax, would, I trust, never enter his kitchen.
Therefore he could not perceive the eccentric case you suggest. If
perchance, he did perceive it, he would say that cleanliness was next to
godliness and godliness superior to dinner things. In addition to the
Pope's words, which I learned by heart, I have the utterances of a
famous diocesan director of charitable institutions. I have not
memorized them, as, famous though the director be, he is not the Pope. I
will read you what he says."
She drew from her pocket a soiled tract, and read:
"'Anything that will tend to do away with the friction that is to be
found so often to-day between the employer and the employed, is to be
commended and assisted.' It is short, but pithy. Note that he says,
'anything'. You will also have observed that the word servant is never
used."
"Do you remember a certain quotation from Bacon, Miss Perfoozle?" I
queried, "that which says: 'Men in great place are thrice
servants--servants of the sovereign, or state--servants of fame, and
servants of business.' Must we alter all this? If so, we should also
re-edit the Bible. Can your cooks bear to read the Bible? Can they
condescend to consider themselves as servants, even of the Almighty?"
Miss Perfoozle looked frightened. She blanched--if such an expression
can be used in connection with her yellow face. However, she rose to the
occasion.
"You affect to misunderstand me," she said resignedly, "but I know that
you are impressed in spite of yourself. It is difficult to plant the
seed, but I feel that it is planted. 'As ye sow, so shall ye reap.' I
shall expect to reap, dear young people. Ah, what a pretty home you
have. This cunning little parlor is a veritable curiosity shop. It is
full of pretty gew-gaws." (She looked rather spitefully at the
tiger-head.) "Such a tasteful little home! May I--may I, dear Mrs.
Fairfax, take a peep at the room you give to the dear sister who is so
willing and anxious to wait on you?"
Letitia was about to make an indignant remark. I saw it coming.
Fortunately, Miss Perfoozle didn't appeal to me quite seriously.
"Leave her to me, Letitia," I whispered to my wife, as Priscilla's
bonneted head was momentarily averted. Then to Miss Perfoozle:
"Certainly, my dear mademoiselle," I said, "come this way, and be
lenient with us. We try to do the best we can for our dear sisters."
I led her to our bedroom. It was a pretty room, small but natty. The
brass bedstead was elaborate with onyx trimmings. There was a handsome,
pale-blue satin eiderdown upon it. A large cheval-glass stood in the
corner, beveled and glistening. The bureau was littered with dainty bits
of silver--puff-boxes, manicure articles, hair-curlers, brushes, combs,
jars, bottles, cases. There were two windows, from each of which trailed
expensive curtains of Renaissance lace.
"This is cook's room," I said, biting my lips, while Letitia stuffed a
small lace handkerchief into her mouth. "Of course, it is very small
but--"
"It is charming," cried Miss Perfoozle ingenuously. "Positively, my dear
Mrs. Fairfax, I shouldn't mind it in the least for myself. I
believe--nay, I am sure--that I could put up with it."
"Oh, Miss Perfoozle!" I exclaimed deprecatingly, "how can you say such a
thing? It is kind of you. You are trying to put us at our ease."
"Was this Mrs. McCaffrey's room?" she asked, a tinge of suspicion in her
tone.
"Certainly," I cheerfully lied, "Birdie and her dear little child both
slept here. My wife was so sorry that there wasn't a night-nursery for
the little one. Yes, Miss Perfoozle, they both slept here, until the
child contracted that horrid case of mumps."
"Ah, there is running water in the room," exclaimed Perfoozle, spotting
the marble basin. "It is always unhealthy. I look upon it as distinctly
unsanitary. Probably it accounts for the child's illness. There are
exhalations of a miasmatic nature from these running water arrangements.
Otherwise, Mrs. Fairfax, I have no fault to find with the room. It is
appointed far better than is the custom."
"It is appointed far better than our own room, Miss Perfoozle," I
declared, with assumed indignation. "Let me show you our apartment. It
is plain, but--it does for us."
I impelled her gently toward the sanctum that Birdie and Potzenheimer
and the others had veritably occupied. It had an ingrain carpet, and a
bed, and a wash-stand. Miss Perfoozle surveyed it critically.
"Ah," she said, "you believe in keeping your own bedroom free from
encumbrances. You are right. This is healthy. This is airy. I presume
you realized the fact that cooks love ornaments and articles of virtue"
(sic). "Unfortunately, they do. As they advance in education, this will
not be the case. In the years to come, Mrs. Fairfax, a properly
self-respecting cook will prefer a cool, unadorned sleeping apartment,
like this, to the vulgarity and ostentation of what you now offer her.
At present, however, my dear young people, I am bound to admit that you
treat your cook as she expects to be treated. I am delighted. I shall
not fail to express this sentiment to Mrs. McCaffrey when next I see
her."
Letitia's shoulders were heaving. I nudged her, and whispered, "Don't,
for goodness' sake." Miss Perfoozle used a lorgnette as she made her
inspection, and peered into everything.
"This is the dining-room," I said, throwing open the door. "It is, as
usual, small, but fairly large for the average apartment. There is room
for cook, and five friends. We always dine out, you know. We dote on
restaurants. My wife simply can't keep away from them. So we give over
the dining-room to cook. We breakfast here, of course--just an egg, or
so. There is electric light, which, though rather trying to the eyes, is
convenient."
"It is a shame," said Miss Perfoozle magnanimously, "to find you without
help. Honestly, it is a shame. You are young people, as I said before,
and I believe, in spite of Mr. Fairfax's flippancy (perhaps he _has_ had
occasion to feel flippant) that you are inclined to do the fair thing to
your house-mates. I know a girl who will suit you, I am perfectly sure."
"Miss Montmorency?" I ventured.
"No, not Sybil. Sybil demands absolute equality, and I can quite see
that in your case, Mr. and Mrs. Fairfax, it would be impossible and
perhaps"--indulgently--"unnecessary. But there is no reason why you
should not be suited at once."
"I ought to say," I interrupted in a downcast voice, "that there is no
accommodation for bicycles, while as for automobiles--"
"I do not countenance either," snapped Miss Perfoozle. "The former,
which, I am thankful to say, have outlived their usefulness, were
unfeminine. The latter, nasty, smelly things, always exploding and
running over people, can be dispensed with. I can guarantee you a girl
who will stay with you for a long time."
"A whole month?" I queried gaspingly.
Miss Perfoozle turned upon me suddenly. I had felt that she didn't quite
appreciate me at my just worth. Something in my last gasp appealed to
her unpleasantly.
"I trust you are not jesting," she remarked in a lemon tone.
"No," I said shortly, moving toward the front door, "I never jest. But
you have come too late, Miss Perfoozle. We are breaking up housekeeping
to-morrow and sail for Europe next day, to be gone for five years and
three months. You might take our names for a cook in five years and
three months from to-morrow. We shall visit London, Paris, Rome,
Vienna, Berlin, Dresden, Jersey City, Poughkeepsie, Schenectady--"
"You allowed me to waste my precious time here?" she asked in genuine,
unadulterated anger. "You permitted me to devote an evening to the
revelation of my plans and hopes, when you knew--you were sure--you--"
"We had nothing better to do, I assure you, dear Miss Perfoozle," I said
blithely. "You have amused us immensely. You must be going? Yet it is
early. You _will_ go? My dear madam, of course, we may not detain you.
Will you take our best wishes to Birdie, and the child, and--"
Miss Perfoozle's face was horrid to look at. Letitia turned from her in
dismay and whispered a husky "Don't!" in my ear. The black _glacé_ hands
looked like claws. The representative of the Society for the
Amelioration of the Condition of the Cooks in New York City resembled a
Fury, baffled. We opened the door and clicked her out. For the first
time in many days we burst into a peal of laughter. We simply shook. We
howled. Such a good time had, a few hours ago, seemed impossible.
"I believe you have a sense of humor, after all, Archie," said Letitia,
drying the tears from her eyes and sinking into a chair.
"Not yet, Letitia, not yet," I demurred, weak from mirth, "but if this
thing keeps up I'm awfully afraid that the dreadful curse will be
visited on us both."