"What _can_ have happened, Archie?" cried Letitia excitedly next
morning, as she entered the cubby-hole that I called my dressing-room
and interrupted my shaving. Her face was pale and her eyes shone. "There
is no breakfast laid, and--there is no Anna. I went to her room and
found that she had not slept there. Evidently she did not return last
night. Something dreadful must have occurred."
I put my razors carefully away, with the deliberation that great men
note at moments of calamity and distress. Then I followed Letitia to the
dining-room, where there was disorderly testimony to the accuracy of her
information. Nothing even suggested breakfast. In fact, the remains of
last night's parody on dinner confronted us and evidently declined to
seek oblivion. Letitia looked aghast at the débris, but as I had just
left myself enough time to dally with the matutinal bacon and tea, I
could not repress my extreme annoyance. I could not--and I did not.
"But, Archie," said Letitia, noting my vexation, "while it is most
irritating to find no breakfast, one must not forget that there is a
graver problem. Where is Anna? She is a human being, Archie. We must
accord her some slight consideration, even though she treated us so
badly last night. She must"--Letitia's voice sank to a whisper--"she
must have met with foul play."
"I doubt it, Letitia"--I felt awfully surly--"she is not the sort."
"Nonsense!" exclaimed Letitia angrily. "She was an attractive girl--of
her kind. You may not admire her, but colored people would. It isn't
only homely girls who meet foul play. The newspapers always insist that
every woman who is murdered, or waylaid, is lovely, but that is only to
make the story readable. I've often thought, Archie, that the only
chance many girls have to be called beautiful is to be murdered. Have
you ever heard of a typewriter girl who has come to grief, and who
wasn't beautiful? I haven't. Some of them are regular old crows, but as
soon as they reach the newspapers they are transfigured. Crime seems to
be a great beautifier. Anna may have been made away with. If so, we
shall read that she was a dazzlingly charming mulatto."
"In the meantime, dear," I said patiently, "what shall we do for
breakfast? Everything seems tragic, you know, on an empty stomach."
"If I only knew how to make tea!" sighed Letitia reflectively. "I've
often seen Aunt Julia make it, but I quite forget if you heat the
tea-leaves and pour water over them, or if you boil them in a saucepan.
Oh, how foolish I was to neglect these trifles! But I never thought I
should ever have to make tea."
We were in the kitchen, where the remains of last night's mock-dinner
were even more glaringly apparent. It was sickening, in the dewy morn,
to see the soiled dishes and the encumbered plates. There was the piece
of lobster that Arthur Tamworth left. There was my soup, in a cold,
coagulated mass, on the table. There was the _bifsteck aux pommes_,
stark before us. Letitia, in a pink _peignoir_ covered with lace, tried
to flit around, but there was no room to flit in. I experienced a horrid
sense of nausea, and felt willing to abandon breakfast. Fortunately, we
were both young, and had not reached that downward grade leading to a
placid enjoyment of breakfast. It is only the more than middle-aged who
find keen physical satisfaction in the early kipper. To the young in
spirit, the morning meal is but a tradition, followed with a certain
amount of sycophancy.
We found some milk and eggs in unexpected places and, as I was in a
hurry, we made a hasty breakfast. Letitia boiled the tea in a saucepan,
and in an ecstasy of originality, suggested that we cook the eggs in
that receptacle at the same time. It was not what one might call an
artistic meal. The tea tasted like ink, and the sweet disposition of the
egg was cooked out of all semblance of its own wistful, appealing
nature.
"You mustn't leave me in this unsettled state, Archie," said Letitia
nervously. "I couldn't stand it, dear. I--I feel quite upset. We must
look through the papers and see if anything has happened to Anna. And
perhaps it would be a good thing to notify the authorities. Who are the
authorities, in a case like this, Archie? Not the mayor, I suppose, or
the aldermen; not--er--the coroner?"
"Police headquarters, I should say"--a little doubtfully.
"Of course, she may come in at any moment," Letitia suggested, glancing
rather timidly over her left shoulder. "I quite dread it. Perhaps she
will return with a battered face, or bleeding profusely from a wound. It
would be annoying to notify--er--the--Policeman's Home, did you
say?--until we are reasonably sure. There must be some penalty for
uttering false alarms. Sit down, Archie, and I'll just run through the
papers."
I began to realize that Letitia was veritably wrought up, and that it
was no use contemplating my routine at the office until some light had
been shed upon the seemingly untimely fate of Miss Carter. So I obeyed
Letitia and sat down, while she, somewhat feverishly, took up the
morning papers and plunged into their labyrinthine recesses.
"'Girl decapitated by Trolley Car,'" she read slowly. "Let us see now:
'The sight seemed to infuriate the mob--car struck her in the left
leg--beautiful blonde.' That settles it, doesn't it? It couldn't be
Anna. The papers will certainly call her singularly beautiful, but no
reporter, whatever his political or religious conviction, could describe
her as a blonde. Ah, here we are. This certainly seems to fit: 'Woman
Drops Dead in L Station--Sitting bolt upright in an elevated railroad
station in Brooklyn, a woman whose identity had not been discovered by
the police last night'--Archie, put on your things, and go to Brooklyn."
"Is there nothing more, Letitia?" I asked, for I loathe Brooklyn.
She continued, moistening her lips: "'The surgeons unable to revive
her--Coma followed by death--Very handsome, elegantly dressed woman,
golden hair--' Well, evidently," said Letitia, and it really seemed to
me as though she were disappointed, "it can't be Anna. You had better
not go to Brooklyn, after all, Archie. Here's something else. Really
the newspapers are full of clues. 'Idiot Girl Found Wandering By
River--'"
"Read on, Letitia," I cried, "that certainly does sound promising."
"'Half-witted girl discovered near the Harlem River, beneath the bridge,
at One-Hundred-and-Fifty-fifth Street--singing snatches of
song--muttering to herself.' The singing appears to point to Anna, don't
you think, dear? Poor girl! Perhaps she was an idiot, after all, and we
have been thinking such cruel things of her, just because she couldn't
grapple with _crème d'asperges_ and _bifsteck aux pommes_. Let us see:
'She fought desperately with the police officer--burst into fiendish
laughter--threw back her veil, revealing dazzling beauty, dark hair, and
face of almost appalling pallor--' That can't be Anna. I suppose that
colored people feel pallor, but they certainly can't show it, can they?
Here's something else: 'Scores Killed and Many Maimed in Wreck Horror.'
Here's a long list of the unfortunates, but--the wreck occurred on the
Illinois Central Cannon Ball Train, eighty-three miles from New
Orleans."
"I am afraid, Letitia, that nothing has happened to her," I said
hopelessly. "I mean by that, of course, that I am afraid we shan't
discover anything in the newspapers."
"Isn't it exasperating?"
"Isn't what exasperating?" I asked. "You mean it is annoying that Anna
wasn't decapitated by the trolley car, maimed in the wreck, or dead in
the L station?"
"You are unkind, Archie," said Letitia, with tears in her eyes, "and I
don't think this is a happy moment for joking. Of course you must be
joking when you suggest that I am upset because--Anna hasn't had her
head cut off. It isn't nice of you, dear. But I imagine that you are not
quite yourself. This sort of thing does unhinge one. I wonder what we
had better do? No, you can't and shan't go down-town, and leave me to
receive Anna, perhaps dead on a shutter, or wet from the river, with
weeds in her hair, like Ophelia; or--"
"They wouldn't bring her here, dear," I ventured, and this time I tried
to be soothing, for I could see that Letitia was distraught. "They would
take her to the morgue."
"Ugh!" she shuddered. "The morgue always sounds so creepy and damp. I
can't associate it with Anna, who was so alive last night."
"And so disagreeable."
"Hush, Archie. _De mortuis_--you know the rest--and perhaps she is among
the _mortuis_. I think I shall go to my room, remain there in silence
for ten minutes, and try to impress Aunt Julia telepathically. She could
advise us, and perhaps if she knows of the plight that we are in, she
might--"
"Aunt Julia!" I cried enthusiastically, "why not talk to her over the
telephone? She is at Tarrytown now, and we can reach her. She is a very
sensible and level-headed old lady. She is most practical. I dare say
she could suggest things that would never occur to us."
"Perhaps," assented Letitia coldly. "As you say, she is very sensible.
As you imply--I am not. By all means, let us consult Aunt Julia."
Poor Letitia was very inclined to be fractious, and everything I said
appeared to tell against me. But I had no desire to add to her
difficulties, and I explained to her what I meant. Aunt Julia was an old
housekeeper and perchance in her long experience she had known this
agony of the vanishing cook. If so, she would undoubtedly give us the
results of her experience, and this might be of some service to us in
our dilemma. It was worth trying at any rate.
"You ring her up, Archie," said Letitia, appeased, as we approached the
instrument. "A man always sounds more important at the telephone."
"Not in a matter of cook, dear," I protested. "Aunt Julia will think I
am an awful molly-coddle, if I ring her up in such a cause. No, Letitia,
I will stand by you; I will not leave you until the matter is settled.
But it is far preferable for you to ring up Aunt Julia. It is a
household matter, isn't it, dear? I'll stay here, and--hold your hand,
if you like. Now, ask for her number, and--don't be nervous."
I held Letitia's hand, which was very cold and moist, and we stood
waiting to effect a communication with Mrs. Dinsmore at Tarrytown. It
seemed endless, and all the time Letitia appeared to be nervously
expecting an interruption--probably in the form of Anna, either dead or
alive, preferably the former.
"Good morning, Jane," I heard Letitia say at last, tremulously; "will
you please ask Mrs. Dinsmore to step to the 'phone? Thank you so much.
Yes, I'll hold the wire." Pause. Letitia held the wire, and I held her
hand. Then again: "Aunt Julia, this is Letitia--Letitia Fairfax, your
niece. Yes. Oh, yes, Aunt Julia, I'm quite well, but something dreadful
has happened. No. Archie is very well. It's about Anna Carter, the cook
you got for us. Yesterday we gave a little dinner to Archie's partner,
Mr. Tamworth. At least, I should say we intended giving a little
dinner. We gave something, but I don't know what it was. Anna was very
surly, and disagreeable, and to-day she has disappeared. We were not
unkind to her; we drove her to nothing at all. We intended discharging
her, but she has vanished. We are in a dreadful state, imagining all
sorts of awful things. Archie thought I had better call you up, before
he went to police headquarters. Archie"--turning to me, with horror in
her face--"I believe I hear Aunt Julia laughing."
At the telephone again: "Have the East River dragged? No, we never
thought of that. Why are you laughing, Aunt Julia? Yes, I heard you
laughing. Allow you to have a good time? If you _can_ have a good time,
at our expense, you are at liberty to do so. Archie"--turning to
me--"she says, 'Don't get huffy.' I don't know what she means. She has
just said we are a couple of fools, and ought to be spanked and put to
bed. Yes, Aunt Julia, I hear you. Yes. What? Will never come back? They
often, in fact, generally, go away like that when they don't like a
place? You are joking, Aunt Julia. I don't believe it. Wouldn't she, for
the sake of decency, and in the interests of common courtesy, tell us
that she was not going to return? Yes, I did look at her room, and I
saw no trunk or clothes. Yes. No. What do you say? Archie"--reverting to
me--"Aunt Julia says that you must be a nincompoop."
"Thank her, Letitia," I murmured, unable to keep back the flush that
mounted to my forehead. "Tell her we want advice, and not abuse."
Letitia, at the telephone: "Archie says that we want advice and not
abuse, Aunt Julia, and I must say that I agree with him. Amusing? I
don't think so, at all. I call it tragic. Forget it, and hustle for
another cook? If I only thought, Aunt Julia, that the case was as simple
as that I should feel extremely relieved. Thank you. No, don't come
in--please don't. I am quite capable of hustling, and Archie is here.
No. Really, Aunt Julia, I wish you wouldn't call him an ass. You must
remember that he is my husband. Even if he is an ass--which I am not
admitting--you have no right to tell me so."
"You seem to imply, Letitia," I interrupted, much hurt, "that although
you don't admit I'm an ass, I really might be one."
Letitia did not hear my little protest, but continued: "Yes, I will. Did
you say intelligence office? Yes, I hear. Is there one in New York? Oh,
thank you, Aunt Julia. It sounds so easy, and even delightful. One goes
there and just selects a cook from a whole gathering of them? Aunt
Julia, you have saved our lives. You think we are quite justified in
believing that Anna has merely left, and has not met with foul play. How
_should_ we know? After all, if she had told us, we shouldn't have
detained her. We didn't want to detain her. Quite usual? I can't credit
that, Aunt Julia. You must be a pessimist. No, don't come into town,
dear. If we need you, we'll wire. Yes, otherwise all is well. No, there
is no hitch. Good-by."
She hung up the receiver, her face wreathed with smiles, and placing her
hands on my shoulders, tip-toed and kissed me.
"Oh, I'm so glad, Archie," she cried, "that this horrible possibility of
crime has been dispersed by Aunt Julia. She says that it is quite the
thing in New York for a cook to vanish instantly, almost as though she
had been conjured away. It is the etiquette of cooks, Aunt Julia says.
And the delightful uncertainty of their return, every time they go out
for a stroll, makes life exciting."
"I can't see anything to be pleased about, Letitia," I said rumblingly,
for after all Aunt Julia had treated me rather badly at the telephone.
"I would almost as soon know that Anna had met foul play, as to realize
that _we_ have. We certainly have. We have been disgracefully treated
by that Zulu. And you seem charmed. At any rate we should have thought
better of her, if we knew that she couldn't come back, simply because
she had been murdered."
"Oh, Archie, I'm shocked," declared Letitia in a pained voice. "Such
bloodthirsty sentiments! Positively, dear, I feel as though a weight had
been lifted from my shoulders. I didn't tell you what I really feared. I
thought that perhaps she was vexed with me for not letting her arrange
the flowers yesterday, and that, brooding over this, she might have
committed suicide. Yes, I thought of that, Archie, and of what a life of
remorse would mean to both of us. That was my dread, and now Aunt Julia
has removed it, and I feel so deeply grateful."
"Perhaps you are right, old girl," I assented, cheering up, "things
might be worse. They are bad enough, though, for if Anna marches off at
a moment's notice like that, then they will all probably do the same
thing."
"But we shan't think that they have met with foul play," Letitia
announced triumphantly. "We shall know that they haven't, and we shan't
worry. That is what I like about it. Oh, Archie, I'm so glad. You can go
down-town, now, and earn your daily bread. And I shall hie me
immediately to--er--what did Aunt Julia call it?--an intelligence
office and choose a brand-new cook, somebody nice--"
"To wear the cap with the olive-green ribbons?"
"That later, perhaps," she replied, with a bright smile. "I shan't
insist upon it, quite at once, Archie. I never knew about these
intelligence offices. What a splendid idea! Fancy being able to go to a
sort of convention of cooks, select one that appeals to you, and bring
her home. Isn't it clever? Certainly New York is the town for novelty
and inventiveness. London and Paris are not in it. How London would open
its sleepy old eyes at the notion of an intelligence office! I suppose
it has never even heard of such a thing."
"I must be off, Letitia. I am dreadfully late, and--"
"Good-by, old boy. When you come back to-night, you'll find everything
more satisfactory. For we'll have a cook, and a good one, and--the
thought of Anna will be just a horrid nightmare and nothing more."