_Morning thoughts: Conjectures and expectations. A specimen of Oxford
manners, being another new lesson_
Left by myself on the morrow, and revolving in my mind the events of
the preceding day, I had occasional doubts, which had I suffered them
to prevail, would have been exceedingly mortifying. The young lady
was certainly a beautiful lady: was modest too, and well bred. I had
seen nothing to impeach her virtue: on the contrary, it had been the
principal topic of our discourse. 'Tis true I had, as became me,
been too respectful to put her chastity to any proof. I was not so
discourteous a knight.
But then, that she should have been so intimate as she appeared to be
with those gentlemen sharpers, that she should be going the same road,
that she should lose her purse in so odd a manner, and that she should
accept my ten guineas, were circumstances that dwelt irksomely upon
my mind. Yet it was totally improbable that so sweet a young creature
should be trammeled in vice. What! be the companion of such men,
relate a string of falsehoods, give a forged draft on a banker, and
even shed tears at distress which, if it were not real, was a most
base and odious artifice? That she could act so cunning and so vile
a part, and I not detect her, was wholly incredible. I was very
unwilling to imagine I could be so imposed upon, so duped. _A raw
traveller_? If so, raw indeed! Of all suppositions, that was the most
humiliating. I endeavoured but in vain to banish suspicion. In fine,
whatever might be the cause, which I could not very well develope, I
found the soliloquies of the morning by no means so fascinating as the
visions of the preceding evening.
Wearied of this subject, I turned my thoughts into a new channel, and
endeavoured to conjecture what Oxford was, and what kind of people
were its inhabitants. I had heard it described, and remembered the
leading features; its expansive streets, aspiring turrets, noble
buildings, and delightful walks. The picture rose to magnificence; but
the wisdom learning and virtue of its sages, and their pupils, were
still more sublime. High minded and noble youths, thirsting after
knowledge, assembled under the auspices of philosophers whose science
was profound, and whose morals were pure. The whole fabric rising
in beautiful order: under-graduates, bachelors, masters, doctors,
professors, presidents, heads of colleges, high stewards, and
chancellors, each excelling the other in worth as in dignity! Their
manners engaging, their actions unblemished, and their lives spent
in the delightful regions of learning and truth. It must be the city
of angels, and I was hastening to reside among the blest! A band of
seers, living in fraternity, governed by one universal spirit of
benevolence, harmonized by one vibrating system of goodness celestial!
Among such beings evil and foolish men could find no admittance, for
they could find no society.
Theology too would here be seen in all her splendour; active energetic
and consolatory; not disturbed by doubt, not disgraced by acrimony,
not slumbering in sloth, not bloated with pride, not dogmatical, not
intolerant, not rancorous, not persecuting, not inquisitorial; but
diffusing her mild yet clear and penetrating beams through the soul,
where all could not but be light and life and love!--Oh Oxford, said
I, thou art the seat of the muses, thou art the nurse of wisdom, thou
art the mother of virtue!--I own my expectations were high.
My reveries concerning my old companion, Hector, were in the same
tone. I had heard that he had often been down at Mowbray Hall, during
vacation time; but the mutual interdiction of our families had
prevented our meeting. He cannot but be greatly altered, said I. It is
impossible he should have remained so long in this noble seminary, and
continue the same selfish, sensual, and half-brutal Hector Mowbray,
whom formerly I knew. I regretted our quarrel: he might now have
become an agreeable companion, perhaps a friend. Olivia, too?--She
had a sister's partiality for him before; she might now love him
infinitely, and justly.
While I sat ruminating, the coach continued rolling onward over hill
and dale, passing house, hedge row and heath, till the towers and
turrets of Oxford came in view. My heart bounded at the sight, and
active fancy industriously continued her fictions. We entered the city
and drove clattering along to one of the principal inns.
The moment the coachman pulled up, I stepped out of the carriage and
into the street. It was the eve of a new term; the gownsmen were
swarming, carriages and horsemen post haste were arriving, the bells
were ringing, waiters and footmen were hurrying to and fro, and all
was dazzle, all was life. Eager to mingle in the scene, I walked up
and down the high street, saw college after college, hall after hall,
and church after church. The arches the pillars the quadrangles rose
in incessant and astonishing succession. My eyes turned from building
to building, gazing with avidity, adding wonder to wonder, and filling
the mind with rapture. 'It is all that I had imagined,' said I, 'and
much much more! Happy city, happy people, and happy I, that am come to
be one among you! Now and now only I begin to live.'
Fearful of bewildering myself in this fairy land, I turned back to the
inn, but continued gazing with new amazement at every step. Just as I
came to the gate, I heard the galloping of horses behind me, looked
round, and there most unexpectedly saw Hector Mowbray, pulling up his
horse, with two livery servants, three grey-hounds, and a brace of
pointers at his heels! He had new boots, buckskin breeches, a buff
waist-coat, a scarlet coat with a green collar, and a gold button
and loop, tassel, and hat-band. I was within a yard of him when he
alighted. 'Bless me,' said I, 'Mr. Mowbray?'--'G---- d---- my blood!
Trevor! Is it you?'
The apostrophe startled me.
Hector gave three loud cracks with his whip, whistled his dogs, and
with a Stentor voice called after one of his servants--'Why holloa!
You blind blood of a w----! Why Sam! G---- shiver your soul, what are
you about? Uncouple Jerry Sneak and Jowler, and give limping Jenny's
ear a 'nointing--D---- my body, Trevor, I'm glad to see you! When did
you arrive? How did you come? In stile; a chaise and four; smoking the
road; raising a mist?'--I was ashamed of my stage-coach vehicle and
was silent.--'What, my buck, are you to be one of us?'--'I am'--'D----
my b---- that's right--Jack Singleton! Jack! G---- blunder your body!
Why don't you answer, you shamble shanked beggar's baby? Go to the
Bursar, and tell him to send supper for six and claret for sixteen;
served up to a minute. Do you hear?--D---- my body, I'm glad to see
you! We'll make a night ont! What, are you come to enter at our
college?'--'Yes'--'D---- my soul, I'm glad ont! D----n me, our college
will be the go! D----n me, we are a rare string already! D----n me, we
shall beat them all hollow, D----n me, now you're come, d----n me: we
shall, d----n me!--Holloa! Sam! Run, you blood of a w----! yonder's
Lord Sad-dog turning the corner in his phæton, four in hand: scamper
away and tell him, d----n me, he must sup with me to night. Tell him
by G---- he must; he and the jolly dog his tutor. Tell him we have
a new comer, a friend, a freshman, piping hot, d----n me, from our
village; and that we must make him free of Oxford to night, d----n me.
Do you hear?'
Astound, breathless, thunder-struck, at this intolerable profaneness,
I stood like an idiot, unable to speak or think. Hector took hold
of my arm and dragged me along. I obeyed, for I was insensible,
soul-less; and even when the return of thought came, it was all
confusion. Was this Oxford? Were these its manners? Were such its
inhabitants? Oaths twenty in a breath, unmeaning vulgar oaths;
ribaldry, such as till that hour I had never heard!
What could I do? I was a stranger. Were they all equally depraved, and
equally contemptible?--That, said I to myself, is what I wish to know,
and I suffered him to lead me wherever he pleased.
He took me to inns coffee-houses and halls, to call on one companion
and _beat up_ for another. I saw the buildings; the architecture
doubtless was the same, but the scene was changed! The beauties of
Oxford were vanished! I was awakened from the most delightful of
dreams to a disgusting reality, and would have given kingdoms to have
once more renewed my trance. The friends of Hector, though not all
of them his equals in turbulence profaneness and folly, were of the
same school. Their language, though less coarse, was equally insipid.
Their manners, when not so obtrusive, were more bald. They all cursed
blustered and behaved with insolence in proportion to the money
they spent, or the time they had been at the university. The chief
difference was that those who were less rich and less hardened than he
had less spirit: that is, had less noise, nonsense and swagger. But,
though the scene was not what I expected, it was new, and in a certain
sense enlivening, and my flowing spirits were soon at their accustomed
height.
The president had been written to and I was expected at college,
where, when we came and my arrival was announced, I found an apartment
prepared for my reception. Passing through the common room, I saw a
face which I thought I recollected. 'Is not that Turl?' said I to
Hector--'Pshaw, d----n me, take no notice of such a _raff_,' replied
he, and stalked away. I was too ignorant of college cant, at that
time, to know that _raff_ was the term of contempt for poverty.
As we passed through the quadrangle, the president, entering the gate,
saw Hector in his scarlet green and gold, and without his gown and
cap, and beckoned to him. Hector, to evade as I afterward learned
what he expected, introduced me. The president eyed me for a moment,
received me graciously, and desired me to call on him in the morning.
He then asked Mowbray why he left his chamber in that dress, and
without his gown? Hector answered he had only arrived the day before,
had been to take a ride, and had mislaid his cap, which was not to be
found; but he had a new one coming home in the morning. The president,
after saying--'Well, Sir, I request I may not meet you in this
manner again,' passed on. The story of the cap mislaid was a direct
falsehood: the old and new cap were both in his chamber, for he had
been trying them on and asking me which looked the best. Hector winked
his eye, lolled his tongue, and said to me--'That's the way, d----n
me, to hum the old ones.'
Supper time presently came, and Hector and his companions were
assembled. Beside Lord Sad-dog and his tutor, there was a senior
fellow, and a master of arts, all of our college and all of them the
prime bucks of the place. My late high expectations of learning and
virtue were entirely forgotten. There was novelty in every word they
uttered; and I listened to their conversation with the most attentive
ardour. Nor did I feel astonishment to hear that dogs, horses,
gluttony, drunkenness, and debauchery were the grand blessings of
life: Hector had prepared me to hear any thing with but little
surprise. The Lord and the Squire gloried in braving and breaking the
statutes of the college and the university; the tutor, fellow, and
master of arts in eluding them. The history they gave of themselves
was, that the former could ride, drive, swear, kick scoundrels, bilk
prostitutes, commit adultery, and breed riots: the latter could cant,
lie, act the hypocrite, hum the proctors, and protect their companions
in debauchery: in gluttony drunkenness and libidinous thoughts they
were all avowed rivals.
Hector descending to trifling vices, vaunted of having been five
times in one week _imposed_ (that is, reprimanded by set tasks)
for having neglected lectures and prayers, and worn scarlet, green
and gold; while the more heroic Lord Sad-dog told how he had been
twice privately _rusticated_, for an amour with the bar-maid of a
coffee-house whom he dared the vice-chancellor himself to banish
the city. Fearful of being surpassed, they exaggerated their own
wickedness and often imputed crimes to themselves which they had
neither the opportunity nor the courage to commit.
That I might appear worthy of the choice group among whom I was
admitted, Hector, by relating in a distorted manner things that had
happened, but attributing to me such motives as he imagined he should
have been actuated by had he been the agent, told various falsehoods
of my exploits. I had too great a mixture of sheepishness and vanity
to contradict him in such honourable society, and therefore accepted
praise at which I ought to have blushed.
During supper, while they were all gormandizing and encouraging me to
do the same, his lordship, addressing his tutor, asked--'D----n me,
Jack, can you tell me why it was I took you into my pay? What the
d--mn--t----n are you good for?'--'Tell you? To be sure I can! You
will not pretend that, when you first came under my tuition, you
were the man you now are? Who taught you to laugh at doctors, bully
proctors, stare the vice chancellor out of countenance, and parade the
streets of a Sunday in sermon time but I?'--'You!'--'Yes! I!'--'D----n
my body, well said, Jack!' roared Hector. 'D----n me you are a good
one! Go it! Keep it up! D----n me go it!' The tutor continued--'
Of whom did you learn to scout the gownsmen, cudgel the townsmen, kiss
their wives, frighten their daughters, and debauch their maids but I?
You were a mere tyro when I took you in hand; you did not so much as
know how to throw in a knock down blow!'--'Why you lying son of a
----'
I must not repeat his lordship's reply, or the continuation of the
dialogue; it was too gross to be read or written. I only intend
the above as a short specimen of what lords' private tutors at
universities sometimes are, and of the learning which their pupils
sometimes acquire.
While at supper, I was continually plied to drink; each pledging me in
turn; their intention being, as Hector had declared, to make me free:
that is, as drunk as possible. I had not the courage to incur their
ridicule by refusing my glass. Beside my spirits were raised, and my
appetite, which travelling had increased, was good. My constitution
too was strong; for it had been confirmed by exercise and a cheerful
mind, and never injured by excess. For these reasons I stood their
attacks far beyond their expectation, and my manhood received no
little applause.
The night advanced, and they grew riotous. The lord and his tutor were
for _sporting the door of a glum_: that is, breaking into the chamber
of a gownsman who loves study. Hector vociferously seconded the
motion, but the fellow and the master of arts cunningly endeavoured to
keep them quiet, first by persuasion, and, when that was ineffectual,
by affirming the students they proposed to attack _sported oak_: in
plain English, barred up their doors. Had they been without the walls
of the college, there would have been a riot; but, having no other
ventilator for their magnanimity, they fell with redoubled fury to
drinking, and the jolly tutor proposed a rummer round--'D----n me,'
said Hector, 'that's a famous thought! But you are a famous deep one,
d----n me!'
The rummers were seized, the wine poured out, and his lordship began
with--'D--mn--t----n to the flincher.' Who should that be? I,
the freshman? Oh, no! For that night, I was too far gone in good
fellowship.
This was the finishing blow to three of us. Hector fell on the floor;
his lordship sunk in his chair; and I, after a hurrah and a hiccup,
began to _cast the cat_: an Oxford phrase for what usually happens to
a man after taking an emetic. Happily I had not far to go, and the
fellow and the master of arts had just sense enough left to help me
to my chamber, where at day light next morning I found myself, on the
hearth, with my head resting against the fender, the pain of which
awakened me.