society--he is the sexton of Graceless Chapel, and no one can be
decently married, or fashionably buried without his assistance. He has a
wedding face and a funeral face, but never forgets himself and cries
over the bride or laughs at the mourners; he is great as a sexton, but
it is only in his character of master of ceremonies at a party, that he
rises into positive sublimity--he is the consoler of aspiring
unfashionables, who have got plenty of money, and want to cut a swell,
but don't know how to begin. He is the furnisher of raw material on
short notice, for fashionable parties of all dimensions; his genius is
equal to any emergency, though, as the latest fashion is to invite three
times as many people as can get into the house at any one time, Brown is
often put to his trumps. Mrs. Codde Fishe last week wanted to give a
party, and, of course, called on Brown. Brown measured the parlors; they
would only hold 1728, even by putting the chairs down cellar, and
turning the piano up endways. Mrs. Codde Fishe was in despair. Mrs. P.
Nutt had received 1800 at her party the night before, and if she
couldn't have 2000 she would be ruined. Brown's genius saved her. 'Mrs.
F.,' said he, 'though we must invite 2000 people, and though we must
have 2000 people in the house, they need not be all there at one time,
and they need not all stay.'
"'Certainly not,' said Mrs. Fishe.
"'I'll manage it,' said the indefatigable Brown--and Brown did manage
it. He got 272 retail drygoods clerks, whom there didn't anybody know,
dressed them in white gloves and the required fixens, so they looked
almost as well as men. Well, sir, if you'll believe it, Brown had his
272 clerks arrive at the door, eleven at a time, in hired
hackney-coaches, announced them, by high-flown names, to the hostess,
had them march in single file through the parlors to the back door,
where he had a man waiting to conduct them over the garden-fence by a
step-ladder, and so get them out of the way to make room for more.
"Mrs. Lassiz Candee had but 1439 names on her list; she wanted 1800.
Brown was summoned. Brown heard the trouble. Brown produced from his
pocket a list of names twenty-one yards in length. For a moderate
compensation he furnished Mrs. Candee with a yard and a half of literary
celebrities, three yards of 'Shanghaes,' five yards and a quarter of
polka dancers, and about fourteen feet of foreigners, with beards and
moustaches for show-pieces, and to give the thing a 'researcha' look.
"But, not to be too tiresome, Dropper, I am on Brown's list of
eligibles, and can get your name added also."
Remington eagerly accepted the offer, and three days after they found on
their table two huge envelopes, addressed respectively to "Mr. John
Spout," and "Mr. Remington Dropper." Remington, trembling with haste,
broke open his at once, and discovered a card about the size of a
washboard, on which was a communication to the effect that Mrs.
Throughby Daylight requested the pleasure of the company of Mr.
Remington Dropper, and that it was to be a fancy dress party, and he was
requested to appear in costume, all of which he only discovered by
calling John Spout to his assistance, who condescendingly explained
everything.
Remington was overjoyed, but in answer to all his anxious inquiries
concerning the manner of procuring the invitation, he only elicited from
John Spout the mysterious monosyllable, BROWN!
"What does it mean by coming 'in _costume_?' How am I to dress? What
shall I put on, and where shall I get it?" inquired he.
John explained. "It means that you are to disguise yourself in an
un-Christian attire of some description, making yourself look as unlike
a 'human gentleman' as possible--call yourself a 'Gondolier,' a
'Brigand,' a 'Minstrel Boy,' or some other sentimental or romantic name,
and cut as big a splurge in your borrowed clothes as possible. If you
know anybody who belongs to the theatre, you can easily borrow a rig; if
not, you'll have to hire it of a Jew, and give security that you'll
bring it back."
For four days Mr. Dropper was in a state of feverish undecision
respecting his choice of a character. At the end of that time he was
still wavering between a "Turk," a "Monk," and "Jack Sheppard." By John
Spout's suggestion he resolved to decide the matter by a throw of the
dice, which method made a "Turk" of him for the eventful evening, the
"Monk" getting deuce, ace, and a five, "Jack Sheppard" scoring but
eleven, while his oriental highness came off victorious, by means of two
fours and a six. John Spout was going as a Choctaw Indian, so that he
could smoke all the time and no one would find fault and say that he was
vulgar.
The wished-for evening arrived, and Remington began to dress at four in
the afternoon, so as to be in time. By the assistance of two Irishmen
and a black boy he got his dress on at half-past six; and at a quarter
to seven he sunk exhausted into a arm-chair, and went to sleep.
John's own toilette was quickly made; he had borrowed his dress from a
friend, who attended in person to put it on for him.
When they were ready, the black boy was dispatched for a hack, into
which they both got; after experiencing some difficulty from Spout's war
club, which got tangled in Remington's trousers, and being a good deal
exasperated by Dropper's scimitar which _would_ get between John Spout's
legs and interfere with his breech cloth.
At last they approximated the house, and their carriage took its place
in the rear of a long line which had formed in front of Mrs. Throughby
Daylight's mansion, and anxiously waited for those in front to move out
of the way, and give them a chance to get out.
They could hear in the distance the shrill whistle and the voice of the
indefatigable Brown, shouting "Room for Mrs. Rosewood's carriage;"
"Clear the way for Mrs. Fizgiggle's vehicle;" "Let Mrs. Funk's
establishment come up;" and then Brown would disappear into the house,
and a faint echo of Brown would be heard from the inside, announcing
these visitors as "Mrs. Noseblood," "Mrs. Buzfiggle," and "Mrs. Junk,"
it being a peculiarity of Brown, that although he might get the names of
the guests right the first time, he never announced them at the door
without some ludicrous perversion.
Our friends at length attained the entrance, and, having been
interrogated by Brown as to who they were, and having told him "a Turk"
and "a Choctaw," they were instantly ushered by that individual into the
presence of the versicolored crowd, and announced, in a voice of
thunder, as "Mr. Squirt" and "Mr. Bucksaw."
As they had come in a carriage and were prepared for immediate conquest,
they had no overcoats or hats to dispose of, and were consequently
ushered directly into the first of the three parlors, they held a
consultation as to which was the hostess; and what the least perilous
manner of getting at her, concluded that it was not necessary for a Turk
or a Heathen to be so particular about the rules of Christian society,
and so they dispensed with the usual entering salute.
Remington Dropper soon found that he was not the only oriental in the
room; there were four other Turks, and a great many Moguls, so that he
only made up the half dozen, but he consoled himself with the reflection
that his turban was the biggest, and that the toes of his slippers
turned up higher than any of the rest.
[Illustration]
But beside the "malignant and the turbaned Turks," there was a great
variety of other unexpected characters on exhibition in Mrs. Daylight's
apartments--kings, queens, gipsies, and highwaymen, milkmaids, who not
only couldn't milk, but probably couldn't tell a cow from a cod-fish,
peasant-girls with jewelry enough on for princesses, and princesses with
red faces and feet big enough for peasants, tambourine girls begging for
pennies which they couldn't get, and bouquet girls trying to sell
flowers from a large assortment, consisting of two geranium leaves and a
rose-bud, French grisettes, who couldn't speak French, and Spanish
noblemen, who talked most unmistakable down-east Yankee, Highlanders
with pasteboard shields and bare knees, army officers who didn't know
how to shoulder arms, sailors who couldn't tell the keel from the
jib-boom, or swear positively that the tiller wasn't the long-boat, the
Queen of Sheba in gold spectacles, robbers, brigands, freebooters,
corsairs, bandits, pirates, buccaneers, highwaymen, fillibusters, and
smugglers in such quantities, that it might be supposed that our best
society is two-thirds made up of these amiable persons. There were three
Paul Prys, four Irishmen, and thirteen Yankees, equipped with jackknives
and shingles, seven Hamlets, and fourteen Ophelias, one Lear, two
Richards, and five Shylocks, eight Macbeths, three Fitz James, and half
a dozen Rob Roys, who made a very respectable assortment of Scotchmen;
there were also twenty-one monks, quite a regiment; this _was_
considered strange, but the next day, when most of the silver was
missing, it was immediately surmised that these reverend gentlemen were
thieves, who had obtained surreptitious admission, and carried off the
valuables under their priestly robes.
There were also a few ladies, particular friends of the hostess, who
appeared, by permission, in no costume more ridiculous than that which
they were accustomed to wear daily, but who displayed the usual amount
of whalebone developments.
After the band arrived and was stationed in the conservatory out of
sight, an attempt was made to get up a dance. Spout introduced Dropper
to a princess of his acquaintance, and Dropper, as in duty bound, asked
her to waltz, and actually proceeded to carry out his intention.
[Illustration]
As some sixty other couples attempted the same feat at the same time,
and as there wasn't room for any one man to dance without stepping on
the heels of his neighbor, the scene instantly assumed a peculiar
appearance. Dropper first whisked his partner against a flower girl and
upset her basket, then against a Paul Pry, and demolished his horn
spectacles, then he tumbled her into the stomach of a Falstaff and
rolled him into the window curtains, then he himself stepped on the
favorite corn of a tall Hamlet, and pushed his elbows into a Shylock and
broke his false hooked nose, and they both concluded their gyrations by
upsetting a couple of brigands, and marching deliberately over the
prostrate bodies of Helen McGregor and a matchboy in their progress to a
sofa, which they finally reached in an exhausted condition; the lady
wanted some water, which Remington started to get but didn't come back,
inasmuch as he hurt his shins by tumbling over a chair and fell to the
floor, carrying with him in his descent a fairy in one hand and a Fitz
James in the other. The crowd immediately closed around him, so that he
could not rise, and, as he was involuntarily reposing directly upon the
hot air register, he was more than half cooked before he got rescued
out.
The attempt to dance created also no small amount of confusion among the
others, about twenty-five of whom were precipitated into the
conservatory and dispersed through the orchestra. King Lear landed with
his head in a French horn, and Byron's Corsair was seen to demolish two
violins with his hands at precisely the same time he kicked both feet
through the bass drum.
Supper came at last, and the guests were fed in installments, as many
getting near the tables as could crowd into the rooms. Jellies, creams,
fruits, and the more substantial articles of the repast, were devoured,
and scattered over the carpets, and over the dresses of the assembled
multitude, in about equal quantities. Champagne corks flew, and all the
men of whatever nation, trade, or occupation represented in that
incongruous assemblage, seemed to understand perfectly well what
champagne was. Kings drank with peasants, brigands touched glasses with
monks, and Shylock the Jew took a friendly drink with her majesty the
Queen of Sheba.
After supper the smash recommenced, and things grew worse, and the
characters, by continued exertion and repeated accidents, became so
changed in appearance by the mutilation of their fancy dresses, that at
three o'clock in the morning, no one could have picked out any one of
the remaining guests and told whether he was intended for an Italian
brigand or an Irish washerwoman.
Our friends reached home about daylight, tired, draggled, disgusted, and
drunk. Neither of them undressed, but both slept on the floor in the
remains of their fancy costume, and in all their paint; they didn't get
their faces clean for ten days, but Remington Dropper had seen the
Elephant in one of his Fifth Avenue aspects, and was content.
CONCLUSION.
[Exeunt Omnes.]--SHAKESPEARE.
A few days after the events recorded in the last chapter, a letter was
received at the residence of one of the compilers of these records,
superscribed
Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
The communication was signed by John Spout, and the writer, after
apologizing for communicating with a perfect stranger, stated his
reasons for so doing. It seems from the communication that Mr. Spout was
informed by a friend who was in the confidence of the United States
Marshal, that Mr. Spout and others were accustomed to meet in a room on
Broadway, and that they were strongly suspected of being engaged in the
organization of a fillibustering expedition to Nicaragua, and
furthermore, that it was the intention of the officious officials of the
United States Government to make a descent upon the premises and arrest
all who were present on the next regular meeting. Mr. Spout had no
difficulty in convincing his friend of the entire misapprehension of the
officers. But in the fullness of his modesty the worthy Higholdboy
thought that the time was not arrived when it would be prudent to
announce to the world the fact of the existence of a scientific
association, organized for the purpose of studying the Elephant.
Furthermore, he did not like to be arrested, even though he would be
acquitted, fearing that contact with stone walls might aggravate a
chronic catarrh with which he was afflicted. Under these circumstances,
he called a mass meeting of the members of the club, at his private
room, where, after a session of fourteen minutes it was unanimously
_Resolved_, That the Elephant Club cave in for the present, under the
pressure of strong necessity.
_Resolved_, That the landlord of the Club room whistle for the arrearage
of rent.
_Resolved_, That Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B., we have every reason to
believe, will fully appreciate the high character of the objects of the
Elephant Club.
_Resolved_, That he is hereby authorized to go to the Elephant Club
room, secure the records and such other property therein contained, as
he may desire.
_Resolved_, That the said Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B., is further
authorized to compile the said records for publication, if he thinks the
public can be induced to buy the book when it is published; and he is
further authorized to reorganize the Club in accordance with the same
principles of the old organization, and when the present federal
administration goes out of power, the present members will again put on
the scientific harness, and gladly co-operate with the club so formed,
to secure the ends desired.
In accordance with the request contained, Mr. Doesticks did go to the
premises designated, where he found said records, and a variety of
articles of furniture in a state of chronic demolition. The records he
carried away--the furniture he did not. An examination of the documents
satisfied Doesticks that if properly compiled, and published, the work
would sell. But feeling himself incompetent to the task of preparation
unaided--the work being of a scientific character--he decided to call to
his assistance his friend Knight Russ Ockside. In his youth this
gentleman had the advantage of being employed in sweeping out the
medical college in Thirteenth street, and was once severely injured
when young by being hit with a medical book on the head; and these facts
it was generally conceded, in accordance with the spirit of modern
progression, entitled him to the honorary degree of M.D. The scientific
part of the work of compilation was therefore left to Dr. Ockside, who
has endeavored to do full justice to the subject. Doesticks has
reorganized the Elephant Club, and applications for membership will be
received by him at No. 70001, Narrow street.
N.B. Applicants will be particular to bring testimonials as to
character.
No persons will be received against
whom a shadow of suspicion exists that they are of foreign birth, whilst
to be a native would be a permanent bar to their membership.
THE END.
THE MEMOIRS
OF
REV. SPENCER H. CONE, D.D.
PREPARED BY HIS FAMILY
_484 pp. 12mo. Bound in Muslin, Printed on fine white paper, Price $1.25_
EMBELLISHED WITH A STEEL PORTRAIT.
* * * * *
Dr. Cone, late pastor of the First Baptist Church, city of New York, was
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virtues; the volume should find a welcome at every fireside, and a place
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Among the numerous testimonials from all sections of the country, we
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NOTICES OF THE PRESS.
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--_New York Evening Mirror._
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It will be read with interest by thousands out of the denomination to
which Dr. Cone belonged, as well as by thousands of his own
denominational friends and admirers."--_Christian Secretary, Hartford._
LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
310 BROADWAY, N.Y.
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JUSTICE IN THE BY-WAYS.
BY F.C. ADAMS.
_12mo., Cloth, $1.25._
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"Shortly will be published a new work, entitled 'JUSTICE IN THE
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"It presents a life-like picture of that peculiar civilization which of
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* * * * *
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breath its FACT. It is history in the guise of fiction, history whose
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LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
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W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper, 24 Bookman street.
A Work of Unusual Interest and Merit!
TO BE PUBLISHED EARLY IN SEPTEMBER,
THE PAWNBROKER.
OR,
THE WAGES OF AVARICE.
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The Publishers believe that "The Pawnbroker" is not inferior, either in
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But this is not all; our authoress is an Artist, and her book will do
credit to Modern American Literature.
Her Hero and Heroine are taken from the humblest walks of life; but our
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A writer in the _Boston Literary Bulletin_ says of it:
"I have read the MS. of "The Pawnbroker." Its principal scenes are
laid in New York, shifting occasionally to New Orleans. It is written
with great force, pathos, and ingenuity; and I have no hesitation in
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although prolific in pictures of the most exciting nature,
probability is never outraged by the introduction of mysterious
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enviable popularity."
LIVERMORE & RUDD, PUBLISHERS,
310 BROADWAY, N.Y.
W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper, 24 Bookman Street.
JUST PUBLISHED.
PLU-RI-BUS-TAH:
A SONG THAT'S BY NO AUTHOR.
BY
Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.
[Illustration]
This Book contains an unlimited quantity of hits at every body, of which
every one must good naturedly take his share, to pay for the privilege
of laughing at his neighbors.
EMBELLISHED WITH ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FOUR ILLUSTRATIONS, BY JOHN
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