E-text prepared by Bryan Ness, Graeme Mackreth, and the Project Gutenberg
Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from scanned
images of public domain material generously made available by the Google
Books Library Project (http://books.google.com/)
Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
file which includes the original illustrations.
See 32274-h.htm or 32274-h.zip:
(https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/32274/pg32274-images.html)
or
(https://www.gutenberg.org/files/32274/32274-h.zip)
Images of the original pages are available through
the the Google Books Library Project. See
http://books.google.com/books?vid=Oz3E2uZqCbUC&id
[Illustration:
HISTORY AND RECORDS
OF THE
ELEPHANT CLUB.
With
ILLUSTRATIONS BY
John McLenan
NEW YORK
LIVERMORE & RUDD.]
The
HISTORY AND RECORDS
OF THE
ELEPHANT CLUB;
COMPILED FROM AUTHENTIC DOCUMENTS
NOW IN POSSESSION OF THE
Zoological Society.
BY
Knight Russ Ockside, M.D.,
AND
Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.
New York:
Livermore & Rudd, Publishers,
310 Broadway,
1857.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1836, by
Livermore & Rudd,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the
Southern District of New York.
W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper.
Geo. Russell & Co., Printers,
61 Beekman-Street, N.Y.
THIS IS THE VERITABLE AND VERACIOUS HISTORY OF THE DOINGS
AND MISDOINGS OF THE MEMBERS OF
THE ELEPHANT CLUB.
WITH A MINUTE AND PARTICULAR NARRATIVE OF WHAT THEY DID;
TO WHICH IS ADDED A COMPLEX AND ELABORATE DESCRIPTION OF WHAT THEY DIDN'T.
CONTAINING ALSO THE EXULTANT RECORD OF THEIR
MEMORABLE SUCCESS IN EVENTUALLY OBTAINING, EACH AND EVERY
ONE, A SIGHT OF THE ENTIRE AND UNADULTERATED
ANIMAL,
FROM THE PRIMITIVE HAIR ON HIS ATTENUATED PROBOSCIS, TO THE
LAST KINK OF HIS SYMMETRICAL TAIL.
COMPILED
BY ME,
KNIGHT RUSS OCKSIDE, M.D.,
AND ME,
Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
PREFACE.
This book has been written by the Authors, and printed by the
Publishers, in the hope that it may be purchased by the Public. If it
proves to be a failure, the responsibility must rest with the People who
don't buy it.
CONTENTS.
HOW THEY MET.
PAGE
What there wasn't--What there was--A fancied recognition--Singular
coincidences--Preamble and resolution--A third party--A fourth
party--Accusation of petty larceny--Satisfactory explanation--Spirits
in the closet--A mysterious letter--Alarm of Boggs--More mystery--A
murder anticipated--The reason why--A perplexing predicament--A
philanthropist discovered--A general embrace--An astonishing
statement 11
HOW THE CLUB ORGANIZED.
The second meeting--A learned dissertation--A document--Rules--Preliminary
speeches and criticisms--Order of business--An election--Congratulations
--The dinner 35
THE ELEPHANTINE DEN.
Its location--The furniture and its arrangements--A sentinel
elected--Punishment for intrusion--Resolutions adopted 47
FIRST DISCOVERIES OF THE CLUB.
A new character--A glimpse at the animal--A tall talker--A
proposal--Discovery of a group of street-statuary--A pistol-gallery
--Bowling-alley--The oriental elephant--Novel pipes--Oriental
experience--A member frightened--A new character--Playing
Turk--Ceremony of initiation--Art in conchology--Astonishment of
Johnny Cake--Engine No. 32-1/4.--The rope breaks--Hose 24-3/8--The
race--Mixed-up spectacle--A general row after the fight--The Club
resolved 55
FIRST EVENING WITH THE CLUB.
Preliminary proceedings--Bobington Thomas confesses his profession--Thomas
and his dogs--New York dog-pound--Thomas accepts silver--Mr.
James George Boggs--Johnny Cake's railroad experience--A malignant
conductor--A passenger sings--A second passenger wakes and joins in
the chorus--Song interrupted by an accident--Results of the accident--Train
in motion--The song finished--Johnny Cake's abstinence--First
experience in Gotham--Curious coincident--Wagstaff's note book--The
elephant seen--Members initiated 83
THE COLORED CAMP MEETING.
A dense smoke--Resolutions, preparations--The journey--Queer specimens
of Religion--Corn whisky--Effects of a hymn--Return to Gotham 132
FURTHER DISCOVERIES.
Order enforced--Boggs practises the art of self-defence--Successful fight
with the stove--Unsuccessful fight with the nigger--Quackenbush keeps late
hours--Deacon Pettingill on a bender--Is taken to a gambling-house--Loans
and loses ten dollars--Persecution of a corner grocery-man--A
gunpowder plot--More of the Dutchman's troubles--Cousin Betsy--Love,
pride and poverty--Mr. Buxton and the nigger--Shanghae coat--A gratuitous
baptism--Conflict between Buxton and the darkey 146
THE CLUB IN AN UPROAR.
South-ferry stages--Beginning of mishaps--The military--The Lager Bier
Invincibles--The fat gentleman--Old maid faints--Battle of Broadway--An
Irish funeral procession--One cent short--The journey's end--Overdale's
juggling--Johnny Cake drunk--An examination of Johnny's companion--How
he lived 188
JOHNNY CAKE'S FIRST SPREE.
Johnny's fall--He goes into the Bowery--An artistic barkeeper--The fly--A
Kansas official--Johnny Cake's delusion--A Chatham street auction--Johnny's
sensation--The gift enterprise--Dropper's dream and hopes of
success--The realization--Who didn't win 212
THE POLICE COURTS.
Visit to Essex Market--Peculiarities of Edward Bobber--Palmerston hook
the eel-catcher--The poet in Limbo--Warbles moralises--A German
witness--The oath--Disturbed by cats--Mysterious caterwaulings--The mystery
explained--Bad liquor--A Tombs lawyer--His retainer--An Irish
wake--An eccentric corpse--A free fight--The corpse in court--The case
concluded--Timothy Mulrooney--Michael's virtues--Timothy's cat--Mr.
Blobb--A knowing officer--Old Dog Tray--Blobb discharged--Quackenbush
confesses--Quackenbush forgiven 231
THE HAMLET NIGHT.
Attempt to swindle the darling public--The ghost--A small Hamlet and
large Queen--The ghost in an overcoat--The death scene--Overdale's
ideas--An unappreciative boy--Inconsistencies--Clockwork legs--A
complicated case 289
MRS. THROUGHBY DAYLIGHT'S FANCY DRESS JAM.
A complicated case--Mr. Spout's offer--Dropper bewildered--Spout expatiates
upon the genius of Brown--The Turk and Choctaw--The fancy dress jam--The
Elephants at the fancy dress jam--The result 304
CONCLUSION.
The club in danger--Resolutions--The records of the club--Their
compilation--The last of the Elephant Club 318
HISTORY AND RECORDS.
HOW THEY MET.
[Enter with a Flourish of Trumpets.]
SHAKESPEARE.
[Illustration]
THERE were _no_ two horses to be seen winding along the base of a
precipitous hill; and there were _no_ dark-looking riders on those
horses which were not to be seen; and it _wasn't_ at the close of a
dusky autumn evening; and the setting sun _didn't_ gild, with his
departing rays, the steep summit of the mountain tops; and the gloomy
cry of the owl was _not_ to be heard from the depths of a neighboring
forest--first, because there _wasn't_ any neighboring forest, and,
second, because the owl was in better business, having, some hours
before, gone to bed, it now being broad daylight. The mountain tops, the
lofty summits, the inaccessible precipices, the precipitous descents,
the descending inaccessibilities, and the usual quantity of
insurmountable landscape, which forms the stereotyped opening to popular
romances, is here omitted by particular request.
The time and place to which the unfortunate reader's attention is
particularly called, are four o'clock of a melting afternoon in August,
and a labyrinth of bricks and mortar, yclept Gotham. The majority of the
inhabitants of the aforesaid place, at the identical time herein
referred to, were perspiring; others were sweltering; still others were
melting down into their boots, and the remainder were dying from
sun-stroke.
At this time, a young gentleman seated himself behind the front window
of the reading and smoking-room of the Shanghae Hotel, in Broadway. The
chair he occupied was capacious, and had been contrived originally, by
ingenious mechanics, for the purpose of inducing laziness. The gentleman
had taken possession of this article of furniture for the double purpose
of resting himself from the fatigues of a month's inactivity, and also
securing a position where he could see the ladies pass and repass, in
hopes that the sight might dispel the dull monotony of a hotel life in
the city, during summer. On this occasion, to secure additional ease,
the individual had adopted the American attitude of raising his feet to
a level with his head, by placing them upon a cast-iron fender behind
the window--an attitude, by the way, not particularly characterized by
its classic grace.
There was nothing remarkable in the dress of the person to whom we have
alluded. He was evidently a victim to the popular insanity of conforming
to fashion. So strictly were his garments cut and made in accordance
with the prevailing style, no one could doubt for a moment that the
taste, or want of taste, manifested in his dress, was not his own, but
the tailor's. In his hand he held a small cane, with which he amused
himself, first, by biting the ivory head, then by making it turn
summer-saults through the fingers of his right hand, after the manner
in which Hibernians are supposed to exercise their shillelahs.
Whether the activity in the streets, the appearance of the ladies with
every variety of dress, or the gymnastic eccentricities of his cane,
were particularly entertaining, is very questionable; certain it is,
that the expression of his eyes showed gradually less and less of
animation. By degrees his eyelids closed. His head soon vibrated with an
irregular motion, until it found a support against the back of the
chair. His hat fell from his head, and his cane dropped from his
fingers. His muscles became fully relaxed. He was, undeniably, asleep.
He had been sleeping nearly a half hour, when an individual, who was
walking leisurely down Broadway, casually glanced in the window of the
Shanghae, where our first person singular was sleeping, with more
seeming comfort than real elegance of position. He seemed struck with
the appearance of the sleeper, and pausing for a brief time to survey
his form, contorted, as it was, into all sorts of geometrical
irregularities, curves, angles, and indescribable shapes, he entered the
hotel, passed around into the room where the sleeper was, and did not
stop until at his side. He again stood for a moment, silently
contemplating the form and features of the sleep-bound stranger.
The second person was also singular. He was, apparently, about
twenty-five years of age, with a full, florid, and expressive face. His
body was quite rotund, even to corpulency; and, save a heavy moustache,
his face was closely shaven. His clothes were of the thinnest material,
and well adapted to secure comfort during the hot season. His
expression, as he stood watching the first person singular, seemed full
of doubt. At last, as if determined to remain in doubt no longer, he
touched the somnolent first person lightly on the shoulder. First person
singular opened his eyes with a spasmodic start, stared wildly about him
for a moment, until his eyes rested upon the disturber of his slumbers.
"Excuse me, sir," said second person singular, "but an irresistible
impulse led me to awaken you. The fact is, sir, a few years since, I had
an intimate friend who was lost at sea, and such is the resemblance you
bear to him, the thought struck me that you might be he. Were you ever
lost at sea, sir?"
First person singular looked with some little astonishment upon his
interrogator. He wiped the perspiration from his forehead, assumed an
erect position in his chair, and replied:
"I don't think I ever was."
"It may have been your brother," said second person singular.
"It couldn't have been, for I never had a brother. By the way, I did
have an uncle who, on one occasion, when hunting in Illinois, some
fifteen years since, was lost on a prairie. Perhaps it's that
circumstance to which you refer?"
"No, it was at sea. I'm sorry, sir, that I disturbed your sleep."
"You needn't be," was the reply, "for I went to sleep without intending
to do so."
"Do you ever imbibe?" was the next interrogation.
First person singular said he was guilty of no small vices, though he
didn't care if he did take a brandy smash. The parties then adjourned to
the inner temple of the Shanghae. Second person singular ordered the
smash for his companion, and a sherry cobbler (so called from its
supposed potency in patching up the human frame, when it is about
falling to pieces under the influence of weather of a high temperature)
for himself. A succession of singular coincidences followed. Each party
suggested at the same moment, that it was confoundedly hot in the sun.
Both simultaneously imbibed. Each said he felt better after it, and each
undoubtedly told the truth. Both arose at the same instant, inquired who
the other was, whereupon two autobiographies were extemporized in brief.
They disclosed the following facts. First person singular's name was
Myndert Van Dam; he was a descendent of one of the Dutch families who
originally colonized Manhattan Island. He had been three years absent in
Europe, and on returning a few weeks before, found most of his
acquaintances had left the city on account of the hot weather, and his
experience had been one of uninterrupted dullness. Second person
singular rejoiced in the appellation of John Spout. His genealogy was
obscure, but so far as he could learn, he was descended in a direct line
from his great grandfather on his mother's side. If his ancestry had
ever done anything which would entitle their names to a place in
history, it was very certain that historians had failed to do their
duty: for he had never found the name of Spout recorded in connection
with great deeds, from the robbing of a hen roost down to cowhiding a
Congressman. He was by profession an apothecary, and was laying off for
a few weeks' relaxation. Mr. Spout concluded his personal narrative by
suggesting the following proposition:
_Whereas_, We have demolished a smash, and annihilated a cobler;
_Resolved_, That we now proceed to devastate a couple of segars.
[Illustration]
Mr. Spout adopted the resolution unanimously, and by a further singular
coincidence, they lighted their segars, and left the place for a
promenade. A brisk rain beginning to fall, they sheltered themselves
under an awning. A pair of gold spectacles containing a tall, sharp
featured man, adorned with an unshaven face and a brigandish hat,
approached them, and asked Mr. Spout for a light. Mr. Spout acquiesced.
The party in attempting to return the cigar, accidentally touched the
lighted end to Mr. Spout's hand, and not only burned his hand slightly,
but knocked the cigar out of the fingers of third party; whereupon, Mr.
Spout extemporized a moderate swear. Third party apologized, and offered
a cigar to Spout and Van Dam from his own cigar-case, which they
accepted; and he hoped that in their future acquaintance, should they
feel disposed to continue it, he would not again involuntarily burn
their fingers. He announced himself to be Mr. Remington Dropper, a two
years' importation from Cincinnati, and a book-keeper in the heavy
hardware house of Steel, Banger & Co., down town.
"Mr. Dropper," said Spout, "I am happy to have made your acquaintance.
My name is Spout--John Spout--chemist and apothecary, with Pound &
Mixem, No. 34, opposite the whisky-shop. Allow me to make you acquainted
with my old and valued friend Mr.---- Mr.---- what the devil did you say
your name is?" said he, addressing Van Dam, aside.
"Myndert Van Dam," suggested the gentleman speaking for himself.
"Yes," resumed Spout, "Myndert Van Dam."
As they shook hands, Mr. Dropper's attention was called in another
direction. He desired his companions to notice the fact that a man was
approaching with his umbrella, and having bought and lost too many
articles of that description, he should not stand unmoved, and see the
last one vanish from his sight.
[Illustration]
An individual of small stature, apparently about forty-five years of
age, with hair of an undeniable, though not an undyeable red approached,
holding over his head a silk umbrella.
Mr. Dropper stepped forward and confronted him. He said he was aware
that if every man were compelled to account for the possession of that
which he claimed as his own, the world would hear some rich
developments, in a moral point of view, respecting the tenure of
property; and it was precisely for this reason that he had stopped him
in the street. He inquired of fat party with the silk umbrella, if he
saw the point of his remark. Fat party confessed his inability to
comprehend its intent. Mr. Dropper then proceeded to state that when he
called fat party's attention to the subject of titles to property in
general, he did suppose that fat party would be led to ask himself
whether he had a legal and equitable title to the umbrella in particular
which he was then under. Fat party fancied that he _did_ perceive a
lurking innuendo that he had stolen somebody's umbrella. Mr. Dropper was
gratified to discover fat party's readiness of comprehension; at his
request fat party brought down the umbrella, which discovered the
following words painted conspicuously on the cloth outside:
"STOLEN FROM R. DROPPER."
Mr. Dropper insisted that there was the evidence, "R. Dropper," meaning
Remington Dropper--Remington Dropper being himself--"Stolen from R.
Dropper," by whom?--He would not assert positively that fat party was a
hall-thief, but he would say and he did say, that his umbrella was found
in fat party's possession, without his permission. Some old
stick-in-the-mud had said somewhere, to somebody, sometime, that an
honest confession was good for the soul, and if fat party would
acknowledge the unbuilt whisky, he wouldn't appear against him on his
trial for petty larceny. Fat party repudiated the idea that he was a
thief. As far as Mr. Dropper's recollection assisted him he had always
noticed that the biggest rascals protested their innocence the most
emphatically. Fat party appealed to Mr. Dropper's magnanimity to hear
his explanation, which Mr. Dropper consented to do.
The explanation developed the fact that fat party was Mr. James George
Boggs, late of the Department of the Interior, at Washington, who had
arrived that afternoon in the city with his sister, Mrs. Banger, wife of
Mr. Banger, of the firm of Steel, Banger & Co., who, it is already
stated, were Mr. Dropper's employers. They went directly to Mr. Banger's
counting-room, and whilst there it commenced to rain; Mr. Banger offered
Mr. Boggs Dropper's umbrella to walk up with, Boggs accepted it, and on
his way up had been stopped on suspicion of theft.
Dropper made a humiliating apology, swore eternal friendship to Boggs,
introduced him to Van Dam and Spout, and invited the party to his room
to spoil a snifter from his private bottle. They accepted the invitation
with commendable alacrity, and soon arrived at Mr. Dropper's cozy
apartment, which was situated on one of the streets intersecting
Broadway. At Mr. Dropper's request, they seated themselves in a circle
around the table, with the view of calling up the spirits, but whether
saintly or satanic, the compilers of these records do not venture an
opinion. After sitting three minutes and twenty seconds in solemn
silence, it was discovered that Dropper was a medium, as he was enabled
to bring up the spirits in tangible and unmistaken shape from his
closet, and forthwith communications of a very satisfactory character
were made to the circle. Indeed, the opinion was very generally
expressed, that the spirits were genuine spirits, and the medium an
excellent test medium, through which they should delight, in future, to
have further communications.
As they finished their wine a knock was heard at the door. Dropper
responded with a "Come in." An Irish servant put her head within the
apartment:
"Plase, sir," said she, "I have a caird here that a gintleman at the
door towld me to give to the red-headed gintleman as just come in."
Dropper viewed the card, and the four looked at each other for a moment,
apparently with a view of discovering who it was that answered the
description of a "red-headed gintleman." At last, Boggs spoke.
"I think it must be me," said he, receiving the card from Dropper, and
reading aloud, from the back of it, as follows:
"Sir, an old acquaintance desires to see you for a moment, in
relation to a matter involving your own interest."
"Show him up," said Dropper, "it will only make one more--that is, if
Boggs is agreed."
Mr. Boggs had no objections to such course being taken, though he was
deeply puzzled to know who the old acquaintance could be.
In a moment, the servant introduced into the room a tall, spare
individual, of about thirty-two years of age. He was ordinarily attired,
and, though not seedy, his garments were by no means new. His face was
closely shaven, and surrounded by a large standing collar. He looked
around the room upon the different parties present, until his eyes
rested upon Boggs. He then ventured to speak.
[Illustration]
"Gentlemen," said he, "excuse this interruption. The fact is, I have
been seeking this gentleman for nearly three years past, and observing
him in company with you, I could not forbear following to seek a brief
interview."
Boggs turned pale. Visions of cowhides and pistols came before his mind.
"You are perfectly excusable," said Dropper. "We will leave the room, if
you desire."
"N-n-not for all the world," ejaculated Boggs, hastily. "I have not the
slightest objection to your remaining."
"Nor I," said the tall gentleman. "Your name," continued he, addressing
Boggs, "is Johnson, I believe."
Nothing could have relieved Boggs from the suspense under which he was
laboring more than this last remark. The gentleman had evidently
mistaken him for one Johnson, who had, probably, insulted or injured the
tall individual, on some previous occasion. The blush again returned to
Boggs' cheeks.
"You are mistaken," said he, at last. "My name is Boggs."
"Boggs--so it is," said the tall stranger. "My bad memory often leads me
into errors. But the mistake is very natural--Johnson sounds so much
like Boggs; but, whether Johnson or Boggs, you are the individual whom I
seek."
This announcement caused Boggs's courage to again descend into his
boots.
"It is three years since I have seen you," said the tall individual.
"During that length of time, a person would be likely to forget a name.
But your person, sir, that I could never, never forget," continued the
tall man, solemnly, and throwing in a little melo-dramatic action, as
he spoke, which made Boggs shudder.
"C-c-certainly," said Boggs.
"Mr. Boggs," said the stranger, "you probably don't recollect me."
"C-can't say that I do," stammered Boggs.
"That need make no difference," said the stranger, mysteriously. "I know
you."
The stranger then commenced feeling in his coat pockets with his hands.
Boggs sprang to his feet, observing this movement, fully satisfied that
the stranger was seeking his revolver or bowie-knife.
"Sir," said Boggs, hurriedly, "if I have ever unconsciously done you an
injury, I am ready to apologize. I can see no good reason why this
apartment should be made the scene of a sanguinary conflict."
"Sanguinary conflict--apology"--said the other, somewhat astonished. "My
dear sir, the apology is due to you."
Boggs's equanimity was once more restored. "You don't know how happy I
am to hear you say so," said he. "Could you make it convenient to
apologize at once, to fully relieve my mind of the frightful
anticipations?"
"With the greatest pleasure in the world, Mr. Boggs," said the stranger.
"I apologize."
"And I cheerfully forgive you," said Boggs.
"Then you recollect the circumstance, do you?" asked the stranger.
"Hang me if I do," said Boggs.
"Then you forgive me in anticipation."
"Certainly," replied Boggs. "But what the devil were you feeling in your
pockets for so mysteriously?"
"My _porte-monnaie_," replied the stranger, who at length succeeded in
finding the object of his search. He took from it a gold dollar, two
dimes and a cent, and placed them on the table before Boggs. "There,"
said he, "is the sum of one dollar and twenty-one cents, United States
currency, which amount is justly your due."
"What the deuce does all this mean?" asked Boggs, in his bewilderment;
"for between being waylaid in the street, accused of petty larceny,
anticipations of being murdered, receiving apologies for unknown
injuries, and the proffer of money from a total stranger, I hardly know
whether I am standing on my heels or my head."
The mysterious stranger then proceeded to make his explanation.
"About three years ago," said he, "I invited a lady friend to the
theatre. She signified her intention to accept the invitation. In the
evening I called for her, attired in my best, and found her seated in
the parlor attired in _her_ best. We arrived at the theatre. I had taken
with me only a small sum of money--amounting in the aggregate to one
dollar and thirty-seven and a half cents. I took the dollar from my
pocket, and passed it to the ticket-seller, who took occasion to pass it
to me again immediately, and putting his physiognomy before the seven by
nine aperture through which the money goes in and the pasteboard comes
out, he announced to me, in effect, that the bank note aforesaid, of the
denomination of one dollar, was a base imitation. This was a perplexing
position. Had I been the fortunate possessor of another dollar on the
spot, I should not have been troubled. The lady's acquaintance I had but
recently formed. My pride would not permit me to announce to her my true
financial condition at that moment. Between pride and a hurried
contemplation of the prospective frightful results of my monetary
deficiency, I was completely bewildered. I stammered out something about
having nothing with me except two or three shillings and a fifty dollar
bill--the first of which, gentlemen, existed in the innermost recesses
of my vest pocket, and the last in my imagination. I was wondering what
the devil I should do next, when a gentleman with red hair addressed me.
"Good evening, sir," said he, touching his hat, "did you say you have
difficulty in getting a bill changed?" Without waiting for me to speak
he said, "here's a dollar; you can return it to me to-morrow, when you
call at my office to transact that matter of which we were speaking
yesterday. Good evening." I looked in my hand, and found in it two half
dollars and a card, upon which I perceived a name and address written. I
was more bewildered than ever, owing to the unexpected deliverance, from
what a moment before, I had believed to be an inextricable difficulty. I
thought that heaven had deputed some red-haired angel to come to my
relief. Then I doubted whether it was not a dream; but the weight of the
two half dollars satisfied me that the whole thing was a tangible
reality. The difficulty was dissipated, the funds were provided, and the
necessary tickets purchased. Next morning I resolved to visit my
deliverer, and give him my heartfelt thanks and a dollar. As I was about
to leave on my joyful errand, I felt in my pocket for the card; it was
gone. I was horror-stricken. I searched everywhere, but could not find
it. I tried then to recall to my mind the name; but having read it under
considerable excitement, it had not impressed itself upon my memory. I
went to the theatre, in hopes to find it there, but in vain. For three
months, gentlemen, all my spare time was employed in perambulating
Broadway, and standing at the entrance of the theatre, in hopes of
meeting my deliverer. Many are the short and red-haired gentlemen whom I
have vainly pursued. A half hour since, as I was riding down Broadway in
a stage, I saw my deliverer turning the corner of this street, in
company with three other gentlemen. I stopped the stage, gave the driver
a quarter, and without waiting to receive the change, I made a rush for
the stage door, stepped on the silk skirt of a lady passenger, kicked a
fat gentleman on the shins, knocked a baby out of an Irishwoman's lap,
fell, and struck my head against the door, tumbled out, slipped on the
Russ pavement, excited the mirth of the passengers and pedestrians, got
up, and reached the corner just in time to see the party whom I followed
enter this house. I rushed on, and after some little inquiry, succeeded
in attaining this apartment. Gentlemen, Boggs was my deliverer."
"Hurrah for Boggs," shouted Dropper.
"Boggs, you're a philanthropist," said Spout.
"_Vive le Boggs_," said Van Dam.
"Gentlemen," said Boggs, "I protest against your unwarranted
compliments. My dear sir," said he, addressing the stranger, "you only
borrowed a dollar of me, whereas, I perceive you have given me one
dollar and twenty-one cents."
"Three years interest, at seven per cent," suggested the stranger,
"Legally your due, and I insist upon your accepting interest as well as
principal."
Boggs, without further objection pocketed the proffered amount.
"Your case," said Spout, to the stranger; "is one of morbid
concientiousness; so much so that I feel desirous of knowing you
better."
"My name, gentlemen," said the stranger, "is Dusenbury Quackenbush."
A general rush was made toward the stranger. Van Dam seized one hand,
Boggs the other; Spout caught him by the arm, whilst Dropper, who was
the last to reach him, threw his long arms around the whole party. For a
moment there was general commotion, growing out of a fierce shaking of
hands and arms. Each person loudly assured Mr. Quackenbush of the
happiness he felt in having formed his acquaintance. As soon as they had
relieved him from their affectionate welcomings Mr. Quackenbush spoke.
"I am certainly happy to become acquainted with you, gentlemen,"
remarked he, "but really I am fearful I shall not be a very interesting
acquaintance in a _coterie_ of old friends, as you appear to be, and
without doubt are."
"Yes, we are old friends," said Spout, "our friendship is as enduring as
the gullibility of the public, and I might add as ancient
as--as--gentlemen excuse me if I fail in this point to institute an
appropriate comparison. As an astonisher, however, I will inform you of
a fact known only to Mr. Van Dam and myself; and which is, that, two
hours since, not one of the gentlemen of this quintet had ever known
another of it; if I except the case of Mr. Boggs and Mr. Quackenbush."
"Mr. Quackenbush," inquired Spout, "allow me to ask whether you are
acquainted with life in the metropolis in its multiform phases?"
"I confess my ignorance," was the reply. "It is most unfortunate that
the position of a teacher in a public school is one not calculated to
bring an individual in contact with much that is interesting."
"Taking that fact into consideration," said Spout, "I propose, that you
all meet me at my room, two evenings hence, when I shall be prepared to
unfold to you a purpose and a plan, which I have just conceived. My
room, gentlemen, is over old Shavem's, the brokers, three doors from the
corner. The number would be 461-1/2, if there were any on the door. You
can't mistake the place, however; there is an antiquated pump in front,
and when I'm at home there is a Spout inside."
"Oh--h!" groaned Dropper.
"Never mind," resumed Spout, "I don't often attempt such things. Can I
depend upon your coming?"
All gave an affirmative response.
"Then," said Spout, "you can depend upon my going, I pronounce this
meeting adjourned."
After a few words the parties separated.
[Illustration]
HOW THE CLUB ORGANIZED.
Put out the light, and then put.--SHAKSPEARE.
[Illustration]
THE evening arrived on which the gentlemen, named in the last chapter,
were to meet in the room of Mr. John Spout.
Mr. Spout was there, awaiting the arrival of his friends. He was seated
at the end of a table, in a large easy-chair, in his dressing-gown.
Before him, on the table, were several written papers. The apartment was
one of moderate dimensions, neatly carpeted, and, with plenty of
furniture, unobjectionable in quality and taste. On the walls were
suspended various pictures, engravings, fencing-foils, and masks,
boxing-gloves, antique models, Indian ornaments, plaster casts of legs,
arms, hands, feet, &c. On either side of the table were two chairs,
placed there, evidently, in anticipation of the arrival of his friends.
Several pipe-stems protruded from a pasteboard box, which was on the
table. It required no unusual shrewdness to guess at the contents, and
to rightly determine that it was filled with the best-abused, and, at
the same time, best-used weed known.
One by one, the other gentlemen arrived, and were ushered by the
housekeeper into Mr. Spout's apartment. They sat, engaged in discussing
tobacco and the events of the day. At length, Mr. Dropper inquired of
Mr. Spout if he had as yet fully elaborated the idea which, on the
occasion of the previous meeting, had seemed to weigh so heavily on his
mind?
"I was about to advert to the subject," said Mr. Spout. "It has engaged
my undivided attention up to the present time, and the idea and plan
based upon it are sufficiently perfected to satisfy myself."
"Trot it out," said Boggs, "we are all attention."
"The fact, gentlemen," said Spout, "that most of our number have been
either absent from the city, or so much engaged in our different
vocations that we have never gained, or have lost, familiarity with many
interesting phases of life, as it exists in New York, suggested to me
the thought of devoting some portion of our time to looking about, and
having put our observations in writing, to interchange them for our
mutual gratification."
"A capital idea," said Mr. Dusenbury Quackenbush.
"Brilliant with pleasurable results," remarked Mr. Myndert Van Dam.
"Replete with rational enjoyment," suggested Mr. Remington Dropper.
"I'm in," was the laconic response of Mr. James George Boggs.
"Then I suppose I can count upon your cooperation in the realization of
the idea," said Spout.
A general affirmative answer being given, Mr. Spout continued.
"You being unanimous," said he, "I'll now proceed to unfold my plans.
To secure unanimity of action and entire success, it is necessary that
we have a plan of organization. But in thinking upon this subject, I
have foreseen that, by the adoption of any of the ordinary plans, we
saddle ourselves with a useless machinery, which will hinder the
successful accomplishment of the object we desire. We have no time to
spare in discussing rules of order, the adoption of which invariably
makes disorder the rule. Yet, there must be a head. In brief, then,
gentlemen, I propose that the principles upon which our meetings shall
be governed, shall be a despotic principle, but one which shall be
compatible with the largest liberty of the governed. How do you like the
idea?"
"The idea looks paradoxical to me," said Van Dam.
"Rather profound," suggested Quackenbush.
"Funny," said Boggs.
"I can tell better when I hear the rules," said Dropper.
"I have them prepared," continued Spout. "Shall I read them to you?"
"By all means," replied Van Dam.
The others signified an affirmative response.
Mr. Spout then proceeded to read:--
We, whose signatures are hereunto affixed, do hereby organize ourselves
into a club, having for its
NAME,
THE ELEPHANT CLUB, and having in view the following
OBJECTS:
1. The enjoyment and amusement of its members through.
2. A profound study of the Metropolitan Elephant, by surveying him in
all his majesty of proportion, by tracing him to his secret haunts, and
observing his habits, both in his wild and domestic state.
OFFICER.
The only officer of the club shall be a Higholdboy, whose
DUTY
It shall be to sit in a big chair, at the end of the table, and to see
that the members conform to the following
RULES OF CONDUCT:
1. In the meetings of the club, every member shall do exactly as he
pleases.
2. Each member shall speak when he pleases, what he pleases, and as long
as he pleases.
N.B.--If the remarks of any member are particularly stupid or tedious,
the other members are under no obligations to remain and hear them.
N. particular B. Should the speaker, at the conclusion of his remarks,
find himself in the presence of only a part of his original audience,
and some of those asleep; he is at full liberty, for his private
satisfaction, to conclude that his eloquence, like that of the
traditional parsons, is not only moving and soothing, as evidenced by
the absence of some and the somnolence of others, but so satisfactory
that those who were awake will never care to hear him again.
3. No member shall be permitted to bring spirituous or fermented
liquors, wine, beer, or cider, whether imported or domestic, into any of
the meetings of the club, under the penalty of passing them around for
general use; unless the member prefers to keep them to himself, from
motives of economy--the economy in such case to be regarded as an
offence, to be punished with a severe letting alone.
4. The third rule shall apply to cigars, cheroots, and cigaretts.
5. Ditto--ditto--sardines, Bologna sausages, crackers and cheese.
6. Members are prohibited from sitting with their feet on the table,
unless in that position they sit with more comfort, or they have other
reasons satisfactory to themselves.
N.B.--The Higholdboy, in consideration of his onerous duties, is
exempted from the action of this rule.
7. The Higholdboy is empowered to reprimand any member, when he
considers it necessary to preserve the dignity of the club.
N. special and particular B. In order that this rule shall not operate
prejudicially to the sovereign rights of individuals, the members of the
club are at liberty to treat the reprimand of the Higholdboy as a good
joke.
8. Any member who shall be absent from any meeting of the club, shall be
liable to stand a half-dozen on the half shell for each of his
fellow-members, unless he gives _no_ previous notice to the club, or any
member thereof, of his prospective absence. Such notice, which he fails
to give, to be either verbal or written, at his own option.
9. These foregoing rules shall in all cases be construed strictly, they
shall never be repealed or amended; and shall be of binding force,
except as hereinafter provided in the
ORDER OF BUSINESS.
1. The Higholdboy shall announce the suspension of all rules for three
months.
At the conclusion, Mr. Spout, in a solemn tone, addressed the party.
"Gentleman," said he, "I am aware that the rules, which I have prepared
and submitted, are stringent in the extreme, but I think they will be
found, on examination, to be no more so than is essential to secure that
unanimity of action so indispensable to the accomplishment of any great
end. Believing, then, that you fully appreciate the importance of the
end we have in view, I trust they will meet with your approval.
Gentlemen, I give way to others."
Mr. Spout took his seat, amid manifestations of the approval of his
associates.
Mr. Boggs was the first to speak on the subject of the rules.
"Gentlemen," said he, "unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, and
overpowered as I feel at the present moment, I should do injustice to my
own feelings, did I fail to endorse the excellence of the rules
reported by my friend Spout, and to give my unqualified adhesion, in
accordance with the spirit which pervades them."
[Illustration]
Mr. Dropper said that he had but one fault to find. He was by nature
fond of resisting all rules, the idea of which he had always associated
with a restriction of individual liberty. The rules proposed by Mr.
Spout contemplated no restriction. They were so nice an adjustment of
the relations between the governor and the governed that he could not
find it in his heart to resist them. Hence he would be debarred his
usual gratification of combatting them. Still he was willing to give
them a trial.
Mr. Quackenbush liked the rules very much, as he thought it was coming
down to first principles.
Mr. Van Dam said that, so far as he was concerned, the matter was all
right; if it wasn't, "he'd make it right."
An inquiry was made as to who would fill the office of the Higholdboy.
Mr. Spout replied. He said that their club was an anomaly. It differed
in its features from any organization which had ever been made. He
thought that its individual peculiarities should be kept up in the
matter of the election of its presiding officers. He was in favor of
self-elevation to the position, and of letting the voluntary
acquiescence of the members measure the duration of individuals' tenure
of office--in other words, when they got tired of him, leave him to
preside over a meeting composed of himself and the furniture. "Now,
gentlemen," concluded Mr. Spout, "who wants to be a Higholdboy? Don't
all speak at once."
Van Dam looked at Boggs; Boggs glanced at Dropper; Dropper eyed
Quackenbush, and Quackenbush turned his eyes upon Spout.
"No one speaks," said Spout, "which leads me to believe that no one
desires the position unless it be myself, which I confess, gentlemen, is
true. Gentlemen, I declare myself duly elevated and installed into the
office of Higholdboy of the Elephant Club, and when you survey my
proportions, and look at the size of that chair, I am satisfied you
will concede that I am well adapted to fill it. In conclusion,
gentlemen, I ask of you your cooperation in forwarding the aims and
purposes of this club. Mr. Boggs, will you pass me the tobacco-box?"
"Certainly," said Boggs, as he passed the box, "and allow me to
congratulate your constituency in having elevated you to so responsible
a position."
"A very respectable constituency of one--Spout," said Mr. Quackenbush.
"But it is very funny, isn't it?" said he.
"It's a go," said Dropper.
Mr. Van Dam was very glad that he wasn't the lucky man, as he had such
an abhorrence of responsibility.
The question of the time and place of meetings was the next subject
discussed. It was finally agreed to leave that matter for future
consideration.
"Gentlemen," said Spout, "I have assumed a responsibility, in
anticipation of my attaining the Higholdboyship of this club. In this,
perhaps, my course will not meet with your full approval; the nature of
the step you will be apprised of in the room below. Will you accompany
me?"
The party assented, wondering what further surprise was to greet them.
They entered a rear parlor on the first floor, where an excellent
dinner was waiting them, got up at the expense of Mr. John Spout,
Higholdboy of the Elephant Club.
[Illustration]
A good dinner is an excellent ending for any thing--even a chapter.
THE ELEPHANTINE DEN.
Off with his head so much.--SHAKSPEARE.
[Illustration]
THE Club now being organized, and the eager members anxious to begin at
once their expeditions in search of the pachydermatous animal whose
peculiar habits, in a state of metropolitan domesticity, were to be
henceforth their care and study, it became necessary to fix upon some
convenient place of rendezvous, at which they might convene to prepare
for their excursions, and where they might reassemble, should any
desperate chance divide their strength, and separate their numbers.
After some discussion as to the most convenient locality, a room in
Broadway was selected, as being less likely to attract attention if
lighted up and showing signs of occupancy at an unseasonable hour; and
as being easily accessible in case a member was compelled to evade the
pursuit of an avenging M.P.; or should he be taken suddenly drunk, and
stand in need of brotherly assistance. It was not on the first floor,
lest it should be mistaken for a tavern; nor on the second, lest the
uninvited public should stray up stairs, thinking it to be a billiard
saloon; neither was it in the attic, as the gas didn't run so high; but
on the third floor of an imposing building, a room was discovered,
appropriate in dimensions, convenient in locality, and the rent of which
was not so high but that its altitude was easily admeasured by a weekly
V. It is not our present intention to designate the identical numeral
which, in the directory, would point out the precise latitude of this
mysterious apartment to the anxious inquirer. Suffice it to say that it
was in the immediate vicinity of the public office of the man whose name
is synonymous with that of the adolescent offspring of the bird whose
unmelodious note once saved the imperial city from its fierce invaders,
and that the occupation of this man of the ornithological appellation is
to provide food and drink for hungry humanity. The relative situations
of the club-room and this restaurant were such, that a plummet, dropped
from the chair of the Higholdboy, would, if unimpeded by interposing
floors, fall directly upon the private bottle of the amiable proprietor
in the bar below.
[Illustration]
By the timely suggestion of Mr. Remington Dropper, ingenious advantage
was taken of the proximity of an establishment so praiseworthy, and so
conducive to the common comfort. A wire was arranged, running from a
point ever in reach of the chair of the august presiding officer, thence
to a bell in the room beneath. A system of tintinabulatory signals was
contrived, that the dispenser of good things, on the first floor, might
be made to comprehend the wants of the thirsty individuals in the loft,
without their coming down stairs. One jerk meant "brandy smashes" all
round; two pulls signified "hot whisky punches, with plenty of lemon;" a
prolonged jingle was to be immediately answered by an unlimited supply
of ale, porter and pewter mugs; while a convulsive twitch, or a couple
of spasmodic tugs, signified to the man in waiting, not only that the
entire club was "over the bay," but that they wanted, on the instant,
soda-water enough to float them in safety to the shore again.
The furniture of this private elephantine den was simple, but necessary,
made not for ornament, so much as contrived for use, and consisted of a
long table, with an extra quantity of super-solid legs, in case the club
should all take a freak to go to bed on it at once--two chairs for each
member, one for the customary use, and the other for the accommodation
of his feet, an upright piano-forte, a huge match-box, and a wash-tub
for empty bottles. A journal was also provided, in which to inscribe the
proceedings of each evening, and, by general agreement, it was made a
standing order that no man should write therein unless he was
sufficiently sober to tell a gold pen from a boot jack.
[Illustration]
The poker was chained to the grate, that it might not, in case of an
unusual excitement, become a convenient instrument for the demolition of
furniture, or the extinguishment of an offending member. For the same
reason, the water-jug was tied to the door-knob, and the private tumbler
of each member made fast to one of his chairs with an elastic band, so
that, should he throw it at any one, he would not only miss the object
of his unnoble aim, but the elasticity of the securing thong would cause
it to recoil upon his own pate, with a force which would, probably,
render him for the future less inclined to experiment in projectiles.
Over the entrance-door, on the outside, was placed a toy elephant, two
feet long, but four feet underneath, imported from Germany, at the
unheard-of cost of ten dollars.