THE DIARY OF YUKI SAN
_First Entry_
'Merican Sensei say she have one closest friend in little book. I tell
my troublesome to this little book what spells "Diary" in gold letters
on back. I make it my closest friend what no never speaks the words of
yours when heart overflows with several feelings. I write for Merrit
San, but his eyes no must never see. Just my heart speak to his heart
in that 'Merican tongue what he understands.
Japanese girl very naughty if she love man. She made for the take care
of man's mother, man's house. Very bad for Japanese girl to say love
when she marry with man. Merrit San say 'Merican girl speak love with
eyes when lips are shame. Japanese girl cover the eye with little
curtain when man comes. She no must peep out one little corner. No
must see, no must hear, no must speak the love.
So I make little book guess my heart each day.
The happy days are pass away, and the flowers are bloom and birds will
return to me again, but where can I find Merrit San? How I feel the
sorry and the lonesome when I think I can't find him no more in this
long island. I no can express my heart with words. I never the forget
of his kindness to me.
Big lamp by Merrit San's desk no never burn so bright for me. It make
funny little crooked shadow of my body on _shoji_. Merrit San's body
always make big and strong black picture. I saw it last time big moon
look over mountain. I took walk in garden and I thinking this time
next moon Merrit San will not be here. Though the lamplight shines
through the _shoji,_ still in next month the owner of the light will
be different and the ache come into my heart.
Whole Japan are changed, and everything I see or hear makes me think
of him; but my thoughts of him never, never changed, yet more and more
increase and longing for him all time. My heart speak the much word of
love for Merrit San. My eyes grow shame to say it. Little book, close
my secret!
_Second Entry_
ALL day many rains come down in garden. He steals flowers' sweetness
and damp my heart with lonesome. Last rainy day Merrit San teached me
more better English, and he laugh very long when I read the English
writing with my Japanese tongue. He say: "Ah, Yuki San, you very funny
little girl!"
Then I teach him the play of _go ban_, and he make the pain in his
head with the several thoughts how he must move the black or white. He
try long, long time, then he shake his big feest, and he say: "You've
got me beat, little sister; you've got me sure."
I laugh, but I think much thoughts. _I_ no hurt Merrit San with beat,
and girl with much laugh in her eyes have got him for surely. I no
understand that funny 'Merican tongue.
Merrit San so many time call me little sister, and he say my soul all
white like my name. What _is_ my soul? Ah, that same spirit what leave
my body and go out 'cross that many seas to safe Merrit San's journey.
I keep that soul all purely and white all of because Merrit San call
me Little Sister Snow.
One day I take Merrit San with me to very old temple. Sun, him so
bright he make all leaves to dance with glad. Green lizard take sleep
on stone step while big honey-bee sing song. All things have the
joyful, and my feets just touch earth with lightsome.
I go inside temple and say one very little pray to Amida, for I have
the hurry. When I go back, Merrit San he say:
"See here, Yuki San, you no waste time over pray. You get the trouble
with that old gentleman if you have not the careful."
Then I say: "Next time I give him little money and make big smoke with
incense," and he say, "Yuki, you very good girl."
Just by temple's side is little bamboo-tree which have very nice
story. One good god he like this bamboo, and he like the beautiful
love. He say give names of man and woman to boughs of bamboo and make
the tie together with long pin of thorn. Give the low bow, and by and
by the dear wish in heart will be truly.
Merrit San he no can know what I do, but he hold the high boughs of
bamboo down and I name him and me and make the tie together.
The dear wish of my heart come not truly. It is full of sad.
_Third Entry_
What shall I do to less my anxious? To-day at temple I ask Buddha. He
never speak. He always look far away at big sea. He no care, though
tears of the heart make damp the kimono sleeve. The Christians' God I
no can see. But Merrit San say he is everywhere and listens for voice
of troublesome. I no can make him hear, though I say the loud prayer.
Buddha very ugly old god. Maybe him cross when he see very pretty
Japanese girl make the low bow to him.
I believe Christians' God more better than Buddha, because Merrit San
say he make everything truly. He make me, he make Merrit San, he make
the beautiful love. Maybe some day that big God hear about Japanese
girl's heart of trouble and speak the peace.
To-day one long so busy day. Many silk must be sewed into fine kimono
for the when I go to live in other house. Sometimes I very glad I go
to other house. I make the many comforts of my mother and my father.
To-day I see the much cold in my father's body. Very soon he have nice
warm kimono with sheep's fur all inside. Then I make the glad heart, I
marry with Japanese man.
It is getting little cold, and every night the moon is so clear. These
day crickets are singing among the grasses. Those make me to think of
Merrit San more and more. This fall was quite changed to me. At first
Merrit San never come back to me as I expect in dreamy way. I have the
feel of very helpless and lonesome. Before, though I had some trouble
or unhappiness, if I saw Merrit San's smile everything was taken clear
away and my heart was full with cheer and happy.
Ah, Merrit San, though it makes my cheek red with hot to write the
speak, I love you most.
Buddha very naughty old god to say nothing truly is.
_Fourth Entry_
Ah, Merrit San, what you suppose I have dream last night? I was so
happy that I cannot tell with my tongue nor pen. That _you_ come back!
I could no word speak out with so much glad. I had many things to tell
you before I wake, but I could not even one thing.
You say you stay ten days. It is too short, but it far more better is
than half night. Oh, I wish so bad I did not wake up from dream!
I was tearful with much disappoint, then I remember that day you go to
big 'Merica you call back "God bless you, Yuki San," and with my heart
I make one soft prayer to Christians' God.
When big temple bell wake me up and all birds, my troublesome was more
light, and I make so big breakfast for my father and my mother, my
pocket began to tell the loneliness, and I could not perform all my
wishes.
When I write these letters Merrit San is far away at sea on the way of
his home. He will have joyful time. I wish I can see her, that girl
with the laugh in her eyes. Wonder how she thinks of Japan. Perhaps
she would think how small and lonely country and people. One girl in
that Japanese country very sad with lonely.
But Merrit San say: "Yuki San, you _good girl_, you be good wife." So
I make the try to put my lonely heart to sleep.
_Fifth Entry_
Time and days goes too fast as running water. Already old month went
away and new one have come. It is time for us to do last work on many
clothes for new home.
When Japanese girl marry with man she take much goods to his house.
To-day my father bring what 'Merican call bureau, and many work-box
and trays and much fine _futon_ for to sleep on floor with. Next day
after this many mens will come and travel all things to other house.
Japanese girl wear fine kimono long, long time, and keep for more
little girl. Merrit San say 'Merican girl wear fine kimono one time,
then she no more like.
Then 'Merican girl have much happy in her heart. 'Merican man come to
girl's house to marry with her. She no afraid to speak the word of
love, though man's mother sit next by him. She no 'fraid of laugh. She
has the joyful of life.
Japanese girl very happy when she very little girl, or very, very old.
But when she goes to man's house to marry with him, she must always be
the quiet of little mice and more busy than honey-bee. Very bad. But
Japanese girl have the much brave, and holds the happy in her heart
when she brings the comforts to her peoples.
Merrit San say many more big country than Japan in world. I say, "What
is world? I wish I know world like you!" Merrit San stop the laugh and
his voice grow still with quiet, then he say:
"Ah, Yuki San, little snow-girl like you should not know the world.
Cuddle in your little nest and be content."
What is content? It is the don't care of anything but the
flower-garden in my heart. Wonder if girl with laugh in her eyes have
the content? This day I take walk by seas. Last time I take walk so many
peoples come with us. I make into Japanese words all Merrit San's funny
speaks. We have the much laugh: Merrit San try the eat with chop-sticks.
To-day little boat what we ride the water in was broke by its nose and
many seas was eating it up. Loud cold wind make pine-trees shivery and
sad. Big gray cloud come down and make all black with sorrowful.
Sometimes little white waves jump up and dance, but the joyful of last
happy day stings my heart.
_Sixth Entry_
More long time go running slowly by since you have left us, and as I
was thinking of that running and those days and longing for you and my
heart getting down in lonely thoughts, _Yubin_ San bring me those
package what you sent, Merrit San, and it made me very glad and happy.
Hardly can I tell what was in my heart then. Before I can open it I
hold it tightly against my breast and kept silence a little while.
Tears of sorrow changed into the great joy for a moment when I see
your name and your hand of write. I feel as if I receive a new life
right in this minute, and I caught a light of hope in yonder. My
heartful joy and gladness will not express, and I wish I can go up in
high place and shout out and tell all people the joyful of beautiful
love. How it make the change in whole earth and life and give the
dance of heart. But I will not. Mens and women of Japanese country
have not the understand of such lovely thing, and make the shameful of
me. So I give silence to my lips and close the door of my heart. Ah,
what funny little thing that heart is! In one half live the joyful.
Other side have all the painful of life, and when the love come
sometimes he knock at wrong door and give the hurtful ache to life.
Ah, Merrit San, you give many thankfuls for the lend of my house in
your letter. I give the love of you many more thankfuls for coming to
my heart, even he knock at two doors. One day me and Merrit San went
down to temple where big feast was. Merrit San go inside and look long
long time at Buddha, then he say:
"Yuki San, what will this old gentleman do to you if you disobey him?"
I give little think, then I say, "I no can know--I no never disobey.
Buddha say, 'Yuki, take care father and mother all time.' I take care.
Him say, 'Yuki, you woman--you not talk too much.' I no talk much.
Then him say, 'Yuki, come many time to temple and make light with
incense and put little money every time in box.' I give obey and much
_go rin_, but Buddha keep all and never give back." Before I finish my
speak Merrit San shiver like cold and say, "Come on, Yuki San, let's
get out of here and find the sun." Outside I make cherry-wreath while
Merrit San tell me story. Him very sweet day--now all gone forever.
_Seventh Entry_
Last fine kimono is finished and all baggage is tied. Next day I go to
other house.
Then my mother will give all house much sweep with new broom, to tell
gods I go 'way no more to come back. Maybe they make big fire by gate
to tell all peoples I belong to other house now. Ah, little book,
to-night I make big fire in my heart and burn all my wickeds in it. Next
day I make more fire and burn you. To other house I must go all white
and purely as Merrit San say.
Ah, Merrit San, you the one big happy in all my life and I never
forget all your kindful. You give me the good heart, like sun make
flower-bud unclose. You telled me what is soul and purely, and you say
be very good wife.
One night when moon was big and round and red and river outside wall
go spank, spank, you call all my people to garden, and with the
'Merican _samisen_ you sing much songs.
Sometimes you very funny, but sometimes when moon specks slip through
big pine-tree, I see you very sadful.
Now moon speck come on _shoji_ and ache my eyes to look your face once
more.
I try so much to make picture of man's face I marry with. I no can see
anything but much medals on coat, and so many teeths. Merrit San's
eyes all blue and twinkly, and face so white and clean.
But now he make the joyful with girl with laugh in her eyes, and her
feet no touch the ground with much happy.
To-morrow I go to other house and no belong to my father and mother.
To-day I go temple, and I make promise I no more speak of Merrit San's
name; no more the think of his face in my heart.
Little book, I weared you close to my breast many days. To-night I
sleep with you tight to my heart. You gived me the courage to turn my
face to the rising sun of the to-morrow.
_Sayonara._