Perhaps the preceding Meditations will prove more likely to develop
general principles of conduct, than to repel force by force. They
furnish, however, the pharmacopoeia of medicine and not the practice of
medicine. Now consider the personal means which nature has put into your
hands for self-defence; for Providence has forgotten no one; if to the
sepia (that fish of the Adriatic) has been given the black dye by which
he produces a cloud in which he disappears from his enemy, you should
believe that a husband has not been left without a weapon; and now the
time has come for you to draw yours.
You ought to have stipulated before you married that your wife should
nurse her own children; in this case, as long as she is occupied in
bearing children or in nursing them you will avoid the danger from one
or two quarters. The wife who is engaged in bringing into the world and
nursing a baby has not really the time to bother with a lover, not to
speak of the fact that before and after her confinement she cannot
show herself in the world. In short, how can the most bold of the
distinguished women who are the subject of this work show herself under
these circumstances in public? O Lord Byron, thou didst not wish to see
women even eat!
Six months after her confinement, and when the child is on the eve
of being weaned, a woman just begins to feel that she can enjoy her
restoration and her liberty.
If your wife has not nursed her first child, you have too much sense
not to notice this circumstance, and not to make her desire to nurse
her next one. You will read to her the _Emile_ of Jean-Jacques; you will
fill her imagination with a sense of motherly duties; you will excite
her moral feelings, etc.: in a word, you are either a fool or a man of
sense; and in the first case, even after reading this book, you will
always be minotaurized; while in the second, you will understand how to
take a hint.
This first expedient is in reality your own personal business. It will
give you a great advantage in carrying out all the other methods.
Since Alcibiades cut the ears and the tail of his dog, in order to do a
service to Pericles, who had on his hands a sort of Spanish war, as well
as an Ouvrard contract affair, such as was then attracting the notice of
the Athenians, there is not a single minister who has not endeavored to
cut the ears of some dog or other.
So in medicine, when inflammation takes place at some vital point of
the system, counter-irritation is brought about at some other point, by
means of blisters, scarifications and cupping.
Another method consists in blistering your wife, or giving her, with a
mental needle, a prod whose violence is such as to make a diversion in
your favor.
A man of considerable mental resources had made his honeymoon last for
about four years; the moon began to wane, and he saw appearing the fatal
hollow in its circle. His wife was exactly in that state of mind which
we attributed at the close of our first part to every honest woman; she
had taken a fancy to a worthless fellow who was both insignificant in
appearance and ugly; the only thing in his favor was, he was not her
own husband. At this juncture, her husband meditated the cutting of some
dog’s tail, in order to renew, if possible, his lease of happiness. His
wife had conducted herself with such tact, that it would have been very
embarrassing to forbid her lover the house, for she had discovered some
slight tie of relationship between them. The danger became, day by day,
more imminent. The scent of the Minotaur was all around. One evening the
husband felt himself plunged into a mood of deep vexation so acute as
to be apparent to his wife. His wife had begun to show him more kindness
than she had ever exhibited, even during the honeymoon; and hence
question after question racked his mind. On her part a dead silence
reigned. The anxious questionings of his mind were redoubled; his
suspicions burst forth, and he was seized with forebodings of future
calamity! Now, on this occasion, he deftly applied a Japanese blister,
which burned as fiercely as an _auto-da-fe_ of the year 1600. At
first his wife employed a thousand stratagems to discover whether the
annoyance of her husband was caused by the presence of her lover; it
was her first intrigue and she displayed a thousand artifices in it. Her
imagination was aroused; it was no longer taken up with her lover; had
she not better, first of all, probe her husband’s secret?
One evening the husband, moved by the desire to confide in his loving
helpmeet all his troubles, informed her that their whole fortune was
lost. They would have to give up their carriage, their box at the
theatre, balls, parties, even Paris itself; perhaps, by living on their
estate in the country a year or two, they might retrieve all! Appealing
to the imagination of his wife, he told her how he pitied her for her
attachment to a man who was indeed deeply in love with her, but was now
without fortune; he tore his hair, and his wife was compelled in honor
to be deeply moved; then in this first excitement of their conjugal
disturbance he took her off to his estate. Then followed scarifications,
mustard plaster upon mustard plaster, and the tails of fresh dogs were
cut: he caused a Gothic wing to be built to the chateau; madame
altered the park ten time over in order to have fountains and lakes
and variations in the grounds; finally, the husband in the midst of her
labors did not forget his own, which consisted in providing her with
interesting reading, and launching upon her delicate attentions, etc.
Notice, he never informed his wife of the trick he had played on her;
and if his fortune was recuperated, it was directly after the
building of the wing, and the expenditure of enormous sums in making
water-courses; but he assured her that the lake provided a water-power
by which mills might be run, etc.
Now, there was a conjugal blister well conceived, for this husband
neither neglected to rear his family nor to invite to his house
neighbors who were tiresome, stupid or old; and if he spent the winter
in Paris, he flung his wife into the vortex of balls and races, so that
she had not a minute to give to lovers, who are usually the fruit of a
vacant life.
Journeys to Italy, Switzerland or Greece, sudden complaints which
require a visit to the waters, and the most distant waters, are pretty
good blisters. In fact, a man of sense should know how to manufacture a
thousand of them.
Let us continue our examination of such personal methods.
And here we would have you observe that we are reasoning upon a
hypothesis, without which this book will be unintelligible to you;
namely, we suppose that your honeymoon has lasted for a respectable time
and that the lady that you married was not a widow, but a maid; on the
opposite supposition, it is at least in accordance with French manners
to think that your wife married you merely for the purpose of becoming
inconsistent.
From the moment when the struggle between virtue and inconsistency
begins in your home, the whole question rests upon the constant and
involuntary comparison which your wife is instituting between you and
her lover.
And here you may find still another mode of defence, entirely personal,
seldom employed by husbands, but the men of superiority will not fear
to attempt it. It is to belittle the lover without letting your wife
suspect your intention. You ought to be able to bring it about so that
she will say to herself some evening while she is putting her hair in
curl-papers, “My husband is superior to him.”
In order to succeed, and you ought to be able to succeed, since you have
the immense advantage over the lover in knowing the character of your
wife, and how she is most easily wounded, you should, with all the tact
of a diplomat, lead this lover to do silly things and cause him to annoy
her, without his being aware of it.
In the first place, this lover, as usual, will seek your friendship,
or you will have friends in common; then, either through the
instrumentality of these friends or by insinuations adroitly but
treacherously made, you will lead him astray on essential points; and,
with a little cleverness, you will succeed in finding your wife ready to
deny herself to her lover when he calls, without either she or he being
able to tell the reason. Thus you will have created in the bosom of
your home a comedy in five acts, in which you play, to your profit, the
brilliant role of Figaro or Almaviva; and for some months you will amuse
yourself so much the more, because your _amour-propre_, your vanity,
your all, were at stake.
I had the good fortune in my youth to win the confidence of an old
_emigre_ who gave me those rudiments of education which are generally
obtained by young people from women. This friend, whose memory will
always be dear to me, taught me by his example to put into practice
those diplomatic stratagems which require tact as well as grace.
The Comte de Noce had returned from Coblenz at a time when it was
dangerous for the nobility to be found in France. No one had such
courage and such kindness, such craft and such recklessness as this
aristocrat. Although he was sixty years old he had married a woman of
twenty-five, being compelled to this act of folly by soft-heartedness;
for he thus delivered this poor child from the despotism of a capricious
mother. “Would you like to be my widow?” this amiable old gentleman had
said to Mademoiselle de Pontivy, but his heart was too affectionate not
to become more attached to his wife than a sensible man ought to be.
As in his youth he had been under the influence of several among the
cleverest women in the court of Louis XV, he thought he would have no
difficulty in keeping his wife from any entanglement. What man excepting
him have I ever seen, who could put into successful practice the
teachings which I am endeavoring to give to husbands! What charm
could he impart to life by his delightful manners and fascinating
conversation!--His wife never knew until after his death what she then
learned from me, namely, that he had the gout. He had wisely retired to
a home in the hollow of a valley, close to a forest. God only knows
what rambles he used to take with his wife!--His good star decreed that
Mademoiselle de Pontivy should possess an excellent heart and should
manifest in a high degree that exquisite refinement, that sensitive
modesty which renders beautiful the plainest girl in the world. All of a
sudden, one of his nephews, a good-looking military man, who had escaped
from the disasters of Moscow, returned to his uncle’s house, as much for
the sake of learning how far he had to fear his cousins, as heirs, as in
the hope of laying siege to his aunt. His black hair, his moustache,
the easy small-talk of the staff officer, a certain freedom which was
elegant as well as trifling, his bright eyes, contrasted favorably with
the faded graces of his uncle. I arrived at the precise moment when the
young countess was teaching her newly found relation to play backgammon.
The proverb says that “women never learn this game excepting from their
lovers, and vice versa.” Now, during a certain game, M. de Noce had
surprised his wife and the viscount in the act of exchanging one of
those looks which are full of mingled innocence, fear, and desire. In
the evening he proposed to us a hunting-party, and we agreed. I never
saw him so gay and so eager as he appeared on the following morning, in
spite of the twinges of gout which heralded an approaching attack. The
devil himself could not have been better able to keep up a conversation
on trifling subjects than he was. He had formerly been a musketeer
in the Grays and had known Sophie Arnoud. This explains all. The
conversation after a time became so exceedingly free among us three,
that I hope God may forgive me for it!
“I would never have believed that my uncle was such a dashing blade?”
said the nephew.
We made a halt, and while we were sitting on the edge of a green forest
clearing, the count led us on to discourse about women just as Brantome
and Aloysia might have done.
“You fellows are very happy under the present government!--the women of
the time are well mannered” (in order to appreciate the exclamation of
the old gentleman, the reader should have heard the atrocious stories
which the captain had been relating). “And this,” he went on, “is one of
the advantages resulting from the Revolution. The present system gives
very much more charm and mystery to passion. In former times women were
easy; ah! indeed, you would not believe what skill it required, what
daring, to wake up those worn-out hearts; we were always on the _qui
vive_. But yet in those days a man became celebrated for a broad joke,
well put, or for a lucky piece of insolence. That is what women love,
and it will always be the best method of succeeding with them!”
These last words were uttered in a tone of profound contempt; he
stopped, and began to play with the hammer of his gun as if to disguise
his deep feeling.
“But nonsense,” he went on, “my day is over! A man ought to have the
body as well as the imagination young. Why did I marry? What is most
treacherous in girls educated by mothers who lived in that brilliant era
of gallantry, is that they put on an air of frankness, of reserve; they
look as if butter would not melt in their mouths, and those who know
them well feel that they would swallow anything!”
He rose, lifted his gun with a gesture of rage, and dashing it to the
ground thrust it far up the butt in the moist sod.
“It would seem as if my dear aunt were fond of a little fun,” said the
officer to me in a low voice.
“Or of denouements that do not come off!” I added.
The nephew tightened his cravat, adjusted his collar and gave a jump
like a Calabrian goat. We returned to the chateau at about two in the
afternoon. The count kept me with him until dinner-time, under the
pretext of looking for some medals, of which he had spoken during our
return home. The dinner was dull. The countess treated her nephew with
stiff and cold politeness. When we entered the drawing-room the count
said to his wife:
“Are you going to play backgammon?--We will leave you.”
The young countess made no reply. She gazed at the fire, as if she had
not heard. Her husband took some steps towards the door, inviting me by
the wave of his hand to follow him. At the sound of his footsteps, his
wife quickly turned her head.
“Why do you leave us?” said she, “you will have all tomorrow to show
your friend the reverse of the medals.”
The count remained. Without paying any attention to the awkwardness
which had succeeded the former military aplomb of his nephew, the
count exercised during the whole evening his full powers as a charming
conversationalist. I had never before seen him so brilliant or so
gracious. We spoke a great deal about women. The witticisms of our host
were marked by the most exquisite refinement. He made me forget that
his hair was white, for he showed the brilliancy which belonged to a
youthful heart, a gaiety which effaces the wrinkles from the cheek and
melts the snow of wintry age.
The next day the nephew went away. Even after the death of M. de Noce, I
tried to profit by the intimacy of those familiar conversations in which
women are sometimes caught off their guard to sound her, but I could
never learn what impertinence the viscount had exhibited towards his
aunt. His insolence must have been excessive, for since that time Madame
de Noce has refused to see her nephew, and up to the present moment
never hears him named without a slight movement of her eyebrows. I did
not at once guess the end at which the Comte de Noce aimed, in inviting
us to go shooting; but I discovered later that he had played a pretty
bold game.
Nevertheless, if you happen at last, like M. de Noce, to carry off a
decisive victory, do not forget to put into practice at once the system
of blisters; and do not for a moment imagine that such _tours de force_
are to be repeated with safety. If that is the way you use your talents,
you will end by losing caste in your wife’s estimation; for she will
demand of you, reasonably enough, double what you would give her, and
the time will come when you declare bankruptcy. The human soul in its
desires follows a sort of arithmetical progression, the end and origin
of which are equally unknown. Just as the opium-eater must constantly
increase his doses in order to obtain the same result, so our mind,
imperious as it is weak, desires that feeling, ideas and objects should
go on ever increasing in size and in intensity. Hence the necessity of
cleverly distributing the interest in a dramatic work, and of graduating
doses in medicine. Thus you see, if you always resort to the employment
of means like these, that you must accommodate such daring measures to
many circumstances, and success will always depend upon the motives to
which you appeal.
And finally, have you influence, powerful friends, an important post?
The last means I shall suggest cuts to the root of the evil. Would you
have the power to send your wife’s lover off by securing his promotion,
or his change of residence by an exchange, if he is a military man? You
cut off by this means all communication between them; later on we will
show you how to do it; for _sublata causa tollitur effectus_,--Latin
words which may be freely translated “there is no effect without a
cause.”
Nevertheless, you feel that your wife may easily choose another lover;
but in addition to these preliminary expedients, you will always have
a blister ready, in order to gain time, and calculate how you may bring
the affair to an end by fresh devices.
Study how to combine the system of blisters with the mimic wiles of
Carlin, the immortal Carlin of the _Comedie-Italienne_ who always held
and amused an audience for whole hours, by uttering the same words,
varied only by the art of pantomime and pronounced with a thousand
inflections of different tone,--“The queen said to the king!” Imitate
Carlin, discover some method of always keeping your wife in check, so
as not to be checkmated yourself. Take a degree among constitutional
ministers, a degree in the art of making promises. Habituate yourself to
show at seasonable times the punchinello which makes children run after
you without knowing the distance they run. We are all children, and
women are all inclined through their curiosity to spend their time
in pursuit of a will-o’-the-wisp. The flame is brilliant and quickly
vanishes, but is not the imagination at hand to act as your ally?
Finally, study the happy art of being near her and yet not being near
her; of seizing the opportunity which will yield you pre-eminence in her
mind without ever crushing her with a sense of your superiority, or even
of her own happiness. If the ignorance in which you have kept her does
not altogether destroy her intellect, you must remain in such relations
with her that each of you will still desire the company of the other.