When a man reaches the position in which the first part of this book
sets him, we suppose that the idea of his wife being possessed by
another makes his heart beat, and rekindles his passion, either by an
appeal to his _amour propre_, his egotism, or his self-interest, for
unless he is still on his wife’s side, he must be one of the lowest of
men and deserves his fate.
In this trying moment it is very difficult for a husband to avoid making
mistakes; for, with regard to most men, the art of ruling a wife is
even less known than that of judiciously choosing one. However, marital
policy consists chiefly in the practical application of three principles
which should be the soul of your conduct. The first is never to believe
what a woman says; the second, always to look for the spirit without
dwelling too much upon the letter of her actions; and the third, not to
forget that a woman is never so garrulous as when she holds her tongue,
and is never working with more energy than when she keeps quiet.
From the moment that your suspicions are aroused, you ought to be like a
man mounted on a tricky horse, who always watches the ears of the beast,
in fear of being thrown from the saddle.
But art consists not so much in the knowledge of principles, as in the
manner of applying them; to reveal them to ignorant people is to put
a razor in the hand of a monkey. Moreover, the first and most vital of
your duties consists in perpetual dissimulation, an accomplishment in
which most husbands are sadly lacking. In detecting the symptoms of
minotaurism a little too plainly marked in the conduct of their wives,
most men at once indulge in the most insulting suspicions. Their
minds contract a tinge of bitterness which manifests itself in their
conversation, and in their manners; and the alarm which fills their
heart, like the gas flame in a glass globe, lights up their countenances
so plainly, that it accounts for their conduct.
Now a woman, who has twelve hours more than you have each day to reflect
and to study you, reads the suspicion written upon your face at the very
moment that it arises. She will never forget this gratuitous insult.
Nothing can ever remedy that. All is now said and done, and the
very next day, if she has opportunity, she will join the ranks of
inconsistent women.
You ought then to begin under these circumstances to affect towards your
wife the same boundless confidence that you have hitherto had in her. If
you begin to lull her anxieties by honeyed words, you are lost, she will
not believe you; for she has her policy as you have yours. Now there is
as much need for tact as for kindliness in your behavior, in order to
inculcate in her, without her knowing it, a feeling of security, which
will lead her to lay back her ears, and prevent you from using rein or
spur at the wrong moment.
But how can we compare a horse, the frankest of all animals, to a being,
the flashes of whose thought, and the movements of whose impulses
render her at moments more prudent than the Servite Fra-Paolo, the most
terrible adviser that the Ten at Venice ever had; more deceitful than
a king; more adroit than Louis XI; more profound than Machiavelli; as
sophistical as Hobbes; as acute as Voltaire; as pliant as the fiancee of
Mamolin; and distrustful of no one in the whole wide world but you?
Moreover, to this dissimulation, by means of which the springs that move
your conduct ought to be made as invisible as those that move the world,
must be added absolute self-control. That diplomatic imperturbability,
so boasted of by Talleyrand, must be the least of your qualities; his
exquisite politeness and the grace of his manners must distinguish your
conversation. The professor here expressly forbids you to use your whip,
if you would obtain complete control over your gentle Andalusian steed.
LXI.
If a man strike his mistress it is a self-inflicted wound; but if he
strike his wife it is suicide!
How can we think of a government without police, an action without
force, a power without weapons?--Now this is exactly the problem which
we shall try to solve in our future meditations. But first we must
submit two preliminary observations. They will furnish us with two other
theories concerning the application of all the mechanical means which we
propose you should employ. An instance from life will refresh these arid
and dry dissertations: the hearing of such a story will be like laying
down a book, to work in the field.
In the year 1822, on a fine morning in the month of February, I was
traversing the boulevards of Paris, from the quiet circles of the Marais
to the fashionable quarters of the Chaussee-d’Antin, and I observed for
the first time, not without a certain philosophic joy, the diversity
of physiognomy and the varieties of costume which, from the Rue du
Pas-de-la-Mule even to the Madeleine, made each portion of the boulevard
a world of itself, and this whole zone of Paris, a grand panorama of
manners. Having at that time no idea of what the world was, and little
thinking that one day I should have the audacity to set myself up as
a legislator on marriage, I was going to take lunch at the house of a
college friend, who was perhaps too early in life afflicted with a wife
and two children. My former professor of mathematics lived at a short
distance from the house of my college friend, and I promised myself the
pleasure of a visit to this worthy mathematician before indulging my
appetite for the dainties of friendship. I accordingly made my way to
the heart of a study, where everything was covered with a dust which
bore witness to the lofty abstraction of the scholar. But a surprise was
in store for me there. I perceived a pretty woman seated on the arm of
an easy chair, as if mounted on an English horse; her face took on the
look of conventional surprise worn by mistresses of the house towards
those they do not know, but she did not disguise the expression of
annoyance which, at my appearance, clouded her countenance with the
thought that I was aware how ill-timed was my presence. My master,
doubtless absorbed in an equation, had not yet raised his head; I
therefore waved my right hand towards the young lady, like a fish moving
his fin, and on tiptoe I retired with a mysterious smile which might be
translated “I will not be the one to prevent him committing an act of
infidelity to Urania.” She nodded her head with one of those sudden
gestures whose graceful vivacity is not to be translated into words.
“My good friend, don’t go away,” cried the geometrician. “This is my
wife!”
I bowed for the second time!--Oh, Coulon! Why wert thou not present to
applaud the only one of thy pupils who understood from that moment the
expression, “anacreontic,” as applied to a bow?--The effect must have
been very overwhelming; for Madame the Professoress, as the Germans say,
rose hurriedly as if to go, making me a slight bow which seemed to say:
“Adorable!----” Her husband stopped her, saying:
“Don’t go, my child, this is one of my pupils.”
The young woman bent her head towards the scholar as a bird perched on a
bough stretches its neck to pick up a seed.
“It is not possible,” said the husband, heaving a sigh, “and I am going
to prove it to you by A plus B.”
“Let us drop that, sir, I beg you,” she answered, pointing with a wink
to me.
If it had been a problem in algebra, my master would have understood
this look, but it was Chinese to him, and so he went on.
“Look here, child, I constitute you judge in the matter; our income is
ten thousand francs.”
At these words I retired to the door, as if I were seized with a wild
desire to examine the framed drawings which had attracted my attention.
My discretion was rewarded by an eloquent glance. Alas! she did not know
that in Fortunio I could have played the part of Sharp-Ears, who heard
the truffles growing.
“In accordance with the principles of general economy,” said my master,
“no one ought to spend in rent and servant’s wages more than two-tenths
of his income; now our apartment and our attendance cost altogether
a hundred louis. I give you twelve hundred francs to dress with” [in
saying this he emphasized every syllable]. “Your food,” he went on,
takes up four thousand francs, our children demand at lest twenty-five
louis; I take for myself only eight hundred francs; washing, fuel
and light mount up to about a thousand francs; so that there does
not remain, as you see, more than six hundred francs for unforeseen
expenses. In order to buy the cross of diamonds, we must draw a thousand
crowns from our capital, and if once we take that course, my little
darling, there is no reason why we should not leave Paris which you love
so much, and at once take up our residence in the country, in order to
retrench. Children and household expenses will increase fast enough!
Come, try to be reasonable!”
“I suppose I must,” she said, “but you will be the only husband in Paris
who has not given a New Year’s gift to his wife.”
And she stole away like a school-boy who goes to finish an imposed duty.
My master made a gesture of relief. When he saw the door close he rubbed
his hands, he talked of the war in Spain; and I went my way to the Rue
de Provence, little knowing that I had received the first installment
of a great lesson in marriage, any more than I dreamt of the conquest of
Constantinople by General Diebitsch. I arrived at my host’s house at the
very moment they were sitting down to luncheon, after having waited for
me the half hour demanded by usage. It was, I believe, as she opened a
_pate de foie gras_ that my pretty hostess said to her husband, with a
determined air:
“Alexander, if you were really nice you would give me that pair of
ear-rings that we saw at Fossin’s.”
“You shall have them,” cheerfully replied my friend, drawing from his
pocketbook three notes of a thousand francs, the sight of which made his
wife’s eyes sparkle. “I can no more resist the pleasure of offering them
to you,” he added, “than you can that of accepting them. This is the
anniversary of the day I first saw you, and the diamonds will perhaps
make you remember it!----”
“You bad man!” said she, with a winning smile.
She poked two fingers into her bodice, and pulling out a bouquet of
violets she threw them with childlike contempt into the face of my
friend. Alexander gave her the price of the jewels, crying out:
“I had seen the flowers!”
I shall never forget the lively gesture and the eager joy with which,
like a cat which lays its spotted paw upon a mouse, the little woman
seized the three bank notes; she rolled them up blushing with pleasure,
and put them in the place of the violets which before had perfumed her
bosom. I could not help thinking about my old mathematical master. I did
not then see any difference between him and his pupil, than that which
exists between a frugal man and a prodigal, little thinking that he
of the two who seemed to calculate the better, actually calculated the
worse. The luncheon went off merrily. Very soon, seated in a little
drawing-room newly decorated, before a cheerful fire which gave warmth
and made our hearts expand as in spring time, I felt compelled to make
this loving couple a guest’s compliments on the furnishing of their
little bower.
“It is a pity that all this costs so dear,” said my friend, “but it
is right that the nest be worthy of the bird; but why the devil do
you compliment me upon curtains which are not paid for?--You make me
remember, just at the time I am digesting lunch, that I still owe two
thousand francs to a Turk of an upholsterer.”
At these words the mistress of the house made a mental inventory of
the pretty room with her eyes, and the radiancy of her face changed to
thoughtfulness. Alexander took me by the hand and led me to the recess
of a bay window.
“Do you happen,” he said in a low voice, “to have a thousand crowns to
lend me? I have only twelve thousand francs income, and this year--”
“Alexander,” cried the dear creature, interrupting her husband, while,
rushing up, she offered him the three banknotes, “I see now that it is a
piece of folly--”
“What do you mean?” answered he, “keep your money.”
“But, my love, I am ruining you! I ought to know that you love me so
much, that I ought not to tell you all that I wish for.”
“Keep it, my darling, it is your lawful property--nonsense, I shall
gamble this winter and get all that back again!”
“Gamble!” cried she, with an expression of horror. “Alexander, take back
these notes! Come, sir, I wish you to do so.”
“No, no,” replied my friend, repulsing the white and delicious little
hand. “Are you not going on Thursday to a ball of Madame de B-----?”
“I will think about what you asked of me,” said I to my comrade.
I went away bowing to his wife, but I saw plainly after that scene that
my anacreontic salutation did not produce much effect upon her.
“He must be mad,” thought I as I went away, “to talk of a thousand
crowns to a law student.”
Five days later I found myself at the house of Madame de B-----, whose
balls were becoming fashionable. In the midst of the quadrilles I saw
the wife of my friend and that of the mathematician. Madame Alexander
wore a charming dress; some flowers and white muslin were all that
composed it. She wore a little cross _a la Jeannette_, hanging by a
black velvet ribbon which set off the whiteness of her scented skin;
long pears of gold decorated her ears. On the neck of Madame the
Professoress sparkled a superb cross of diamonds.
“How funny that is,” said I to a personage who had not yet studied the
world’s ledger, nor deciphered the heart of a single woman.
That personage was myself. If I had then the desire to dance with those
fair women, it was simply because I knew a secret which emboldened my
timidity.
“So after all, madame, you have your cross?” I said to her first.
“Well, I fairly won it!” she replied, with a smile hard to describe.
“How is this! no ear-rings?” I remarked to the wife of my friend.
“Ah!” she replied, “I have enjoyed possession of them during a whole
luncheon time, but you see that I have ended by converting Alexander.”
“He allowed himself to be easily convinced?”
She answered with a look of triumph.
Eight years afterwards, this scene suddenly rose to my memory, though
I had long since forgotten it, and in the light of the candles I
distinctly discerned the moral of it. Yes, a woman has a horror of being
convinced of anything; when you try to persuade her she immediately
submits to being led astray and continues to play the role which nature
gave her. In her view, to allow herself to be won over is to grant a
favor, but exact arguments irritate and confound her; in order to guide
her you must employ the power which she herself so frequently employs
and which lies in an appeal to sensibility. It is therefore in his
wife, and not in himself, that a husband can find the instruments of
his despotism; as diamond cuts diamond so must the woman be made to
tyrannize over herself. To know how to offer the ear-rings in such a way
that they will be returned, is a secret whose application embraces
the slightest details of life. And now let us pass to the second
observation.
“He who can manage property of one toman, can manage one of an hundred
thousand,” says an Indian proverb; and I, for my part, will enlarge upon
this Asiatic adage and declare, that he who can govern one woman can
govern a nation, and indeed there is very much similarity between these
two governments. Must not the policy of husbands be very nearly the same
as the policy of kings? Do not we see kings trying to amuse the people
in order to deprive them of their liberty; throwing food at their heads
for one day, in order to make them forget the misery of a whole year;
preaching to them not to steal and at the same time stripping them
of everything; and saying to them: “It seems to me that if I were the
people I should be virtuous”? It is from England that we obtain the
precedent which husbands should adopt in their houses. Those who have
eyes ought to see that when the government is running smoothly the
Whigs are rarely in power. A long Tory ministry has always succeeded an
ephemeral Liberal cabinet. The orators of a national party resemble the
rats which wear their teeth away in gnawing the rotten panel; they close
up the hole as soon as they smell the nuts and the lard locked up in the
royal cupboard. The woman is the Whig of our government. Occupying the
situation in which we have left her she might naturally aspire to the
conquest of more than one privilege. Shut your eyes to the intrigues,
allow her to waste her strength in mounting half the steps of your
throne; and when she is on the point of touching your sceptre, fling her
back to the ground, quite gently and with infinite grace, saying to
her: “Bravo!” and leaving her to expect success in the hereafter. The
craftiness of this manoeuvre will prove a fine support to you in the
employment of any means which it may please you to choose from your
arsenal, for the object of subduing your wife.
Such are the general principles which a husband should put into
practice, if he wishes to escape mistakes in ruling his little kingdom.
Nevertheless, in spite of what was decided by the minority at the
council of Macon (Montesquieu, who had perhaps foreseen the coming of
constitutional government has remarked, I forget in what part of his
writings, that good sense in public assemblies is always found on the
side of the minority), we discern in a woman a soul and a body, and we
commence by investigating the means to gain control of her moral nature.
The exercise of thought, whatever people may say, is more noble than
the exercise of bodily organs, and we give precedence to science over
cookery and to intellectual training over hygiene.