grotesque clothes_).
THE TWO PHYSICIANS.
Piglialo sù,
Signor Monsu;
Piglialo, piglialo, piglialo sù,
Che non ti fara, male, &c.[10]
ACT II.
SCENE I.--1ST PHYSICIAN, SBRIGANI.
1ST PHY. He has forced through every obstacle I had placed to hinder
him, and has fled from the remedies I was beginning to prepare for
him.
SBRI. To avoid remedies so salutary as yours is to be a great enemy to
oneself.
1ST PHY. It is the mark of a disturbed brain and of a depraved reason
to be unwilling to be cured.
SBRI. You would have cured him, for certain, in no time.
1ST PHY. Certainly; though there had been the complication of a dozen
diseases.
SBRI. With all that he makes you lose those fifty well-earned
pistoles.
1ST PHY. I have no intention of losing them; and I am determined to
cure him in spite of himself. He is bound and engaged to take my
remedies; and I will have him seized, wherever I can find him, as a
deserter from physic and an infringer of my prescriptions.
SBRI. You are right. Your medicines were sure of their effect; and it
is so much money he takes from you.
1ST PHY. Where could I find him?
SBRI. No doubt, at the house of that goodman Oronte, whose daughter he
comes to marry; and who, knowing nothing of the infirmity of his
future son-in-law, will perhaps be in a hurry to conclude the
marriage.
1ST PHY. I will go and speak to him at once.
SBRI. You should, in justice to yourself.
1ST PHY. He is in need of my consultations; and a patient must not
make a fool of his doctor.
SBRI. That is well said; and, if I were you, I would not suffer him to
marry till you have physicked him to your heart's content.
1ST PHY. Leave that to me.
SBRI. (_aside, and going_). For my part, I will bring another battery
into play; for the father-in-law is as much of a dupe as the
son-in-law.
SCENE II.--ORONTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN.
1ST PHY. A certain gentleman, Sir, a Mr. de Pourceaugnac, is to marry
your daughter; is he not?
ORO. Yes; I expect him from Limoges, and he ought to have been here
before now.
1ST PHY. And he has come; he has run away from my house, after having
been placed under my care; but I forbid you, in the name of the
faculty, to proceed with the marriage you have decided upon, before I
have duly prepared him for it, and put him in a state to have children
well-conditioned both in mind and body.
ORO. What is it you mean?
1ST PHY. Your intended son-in-law was entered as my patient. His
disease which was given me to cure is a chattel which belongs to me,
and which I reckon among my possessions. I therefore declare to you
that I will not allow him to marry before he has rendered due
satisfaction to the faculty, and submitted to the remedies which I
have ordered for him.
ORO. He is suffering from some disease?
1ST PHY. Yes.
ORO. And from what disease, if you please?
1ST PHY. Don't trouble yourself about that.
ORO. Is it some disease....?
1ST PHY. Doctors are bound to keep things secret. Let it suffice you
that I enjoin both you and your daughter not to celebrate the wedding
without my consent, upon pain of incurring the displeasure of the
faculty, and of undergoing all the diseases which we choose to lay
upon you.
ORO. If that is the case, I shall take good care to put a stop to the
marriage.
1ST PHY. He was entrusted to me, and he is bound to be my patient.
ORO. Very well.
1ST PHY. It is in vain for him to run away; I will have him sentenced
to be cured by me.
ORO. I am very willing.
1ST PHY. Yes; he must either die or be cured by me.
ORO. I consent to it.
1ST PHY. And if I cannot find him, I will make you answerable, and
cure you instead of him.
ORO. I am in very good health.
1ST PHY. No matter. I must have a patient, and I will take anyone I
can.
ORO. Take whom you will, but it shall not be me. (_Alone_) Did you
ever hear of such a thing!
SCENE III.--ORONTE, SBRIGANI _as a Flemish merchant_.
SBRI. Sir, py your leafe, I pe one voreign marchant, and vould like
ask you one littel news.
ORO. What, Sir?
SBRI. Put you de hat on de head, Sir, if you pleace.
ORO. Tell me. Sir, what you want.
SBRI. I tell nozink, Sir, if you not put de hat on de head.
ORO. Very well, then, what is it, Sir?
SBRI. You not know in dis town one Mister Oronte?
ORO. Yes, I know him.
SBRI. And vat for one man is he, Sir, if you pleace?
ORO. He is like any other man.
SBRI. I ask you, Sir, if he one man of money is?
ORO. Yes.
SBRI. But very mooch rich, Sir?
ORO. Yes.
SBRI. It does me mooch pleasure, Sir.
ORO. But why should it?
SBRI. It is, Sir, for one littel great reason for us.
ORO. But why?
SBRI. It is, Sir, dat dis Mr. Oronte his tauchter in marriage to a
certain Mr. Pourgnac gifes.
ORO. Well!
SBRI. And dis Mr. Pourgnac, Sir, is one man vat owes mooch golt to ten
or twelf Flemish marchants vat come here.
ORO. This Mr. de Pourceaugnac owes a great deal to ten or twelve
merchants?
SBRI. Yes, Sir; and for de last eight months ve hafe obtain one littel
judgment against him, and he put off all de credeetors till dis
marriage vat Mr. Oronte gifes to his tauchter.
ORO. Ho! ho! So he puts off paying his creditors till then?
SBRI. Yes, Sir; and vid great defotion ve all wait for dis marriage.
ORO. The idea is not bad. (_Aloud_) I wish you good day.
SBRI. I tank de gentleman for de favour great.
ORO. Your very humble servant.
SBRI. I pe, Sir, more great obliged don all py de goot news vat the
Mister gife me. (_Alone, after having taken off his beard, and taken
off the Flemish dress which he has put over his_) Things don't go
badly. All is going on swimmingly. I must throw off this disguise and
think of something else. We will put so much suspicion between the
father-in-law and his son-in-law that the intended marriage must come
to nothing. They are both equally fit to swallow the baits that are
laid for them, and it is mere child's play for us great sharpers when
we find such easy gulls.
SCENE IV.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI.
MR. POUR. (_thinking himself alone_). _Piglialo sù, piglialo sù,
Signor Monsu_. What the deuce does it all mean? (_Seeing_ SBRIGANI)
Ah!
SBRI. What is the matter, Sir? what ails you?
MR. POUR. Everything I see seems injection.
SBRI. How is that?
MR. POUR. You can't think what has happened to me in that house where
you took me.
SBRI. No! What has happened?
MR. POUR. I thought I should be well feasted there.
SBRI. Well?
MR. POUR. I leave you in this gentleman's hands. Doctors dressed in
black. In a chair. Feel the pulse. In proof of what I say. He is mad.
Two big, fat-faced fellows, with large-brimmed hats. _Buon dì, buon
dì._ Six pantaloons. Ta, ra, ta, toi, ta, ra, ta, ta, toi.
_Allegramente, Monsu Pourceaugnac._ Take, Sir; take, take. It is
gentle, gentle, gentle. _Piglialo sù, Signor Monsu; piglialo, piglialo
sù._ I never was so surfeited with absurdities in all my life.
SBRI. What does it all mean?
MR. POUR. It means, Sir, that this gentleman, with all his kissing and
hugging, is a deceitful rascal, who has sent me to that house to play
me some trick.
SBRI. Is it possible?
MR. POUR. It is, indeed. They were a dozen devils at my heels, and I
had all the difficulty in the world to escape out of their clutches.
SBRI. Just fancy how deceitful people's looks are; I should have taken
him for the most affectionate friend you have. It is a wonder to me
how there can exist such rascals in the world.
MR. POUR. My imagination is full of it all; and it seems to me that I
see everywhere a dozen injections threatening me.
SBRI. This is really too bad! how treacherous and wicked people are!
MR. POUR. Pray, tell me where Mr. Oronte lives. I should be glad to go
there at once.
SBRI. Ah! ah! you are of a loving disposition, I see; and you have
heard that Mr. Oronte has a daughter?
MR. POUR. Yes; I am come to marry her.
SBRI. To ma ... to marry her?
MR. POUR. Yes.
SBRI. In wedlock?
MR. POUR. How could it be otherwise?
SBRI. Oh! it is another thing, and I beg your pardon.
MR. POUR. What is it you mean?
SBRI. Oh, nothing.
MR. POUR. But, pray!
SBRI. Nothing, I tell you. I spoke rather hastily.
MR. POUR. I beg of you to tell me what it is.
SBRI. No; it is not necessary.
MR. POUR. Pray do.
SBRI. No; I beg you to excuse me.
MR. POUR. What! are you not one of my friends?
SBRI. Yes, certainly; nobody more so.
MR. POUR. Then you ought not to hide anything from me.
SBRI. It is a thing in which a neighbour's honour is concerned.
MR. POUR. That I may oblige you to treat me like a friend, here is a
small ring I beg of you to keep for my sake.
SBRI. Let me consider a little if I can in conscience do it. (_Goes
away a small distance from_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.) He is a man who
looks after his own interests, who tries to provide for his daughter
as advantageously as possible; and one should injure nobody. It is
true that these things are no secret; but I shall be telling them to a
man who knows nothing about it, and it is forbidden to talk scandal of
one's neighbour. All this is true. On the other hand, however, here is
a stranger they want to impose upon, who comes in all good faith to
marry a girl he knows nothing about, and whom he has never seen. A
gentleman all openheartedness, for whom I feel some inclination, who
does me the honour of reckoning me his friend, puts his confidence in
me, and gives me a ring to keep for his sake. (_To_ MR. DE
POURCEAUGNAC) Yes, I think that I can tell you how things are without
wounding my conscience. But I must try to tell it all to you in the
mildest way possible, and to spare people as much as I can. If I were
to tell you that this girl leads a bad life, it would be going too
far. I must find some milder term to explain myself. The word coquette
does not come up to the mark; that of downright flirt seems to me to
answer the purpose pretty well, and I can make use of it to tell you
honestly what she is.
MR. POUR. They want to make a fool of me then?
SBRI. But it may not be so bad as people think; and after all, there
are men who set themselves above such things, and who do not think
that their honour depends upon ...
MR. POUR. I am your servant; I have no wish to adorn my person with
such a head-dress, and the Pourceaugnacs are accustomed to walk with
their heads free.
SBRI. Here is the father.
MR. POUR. Who? this old man?
SBRI. Yes. Allow me to withdraw.
SCENE V.--ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.
MR. POUR. Good morning, Sir; good morning.
ORO. Your servant, Sir; your servant.
MR. POUR. You are Mr. Oronte; are you not?
ORO. Yes.
MR. POUR. And I, Mr. de Pourceaugnac.
ORO. Ah, indeed!
MR. POUR. Do you think, Mr. Oronte, that the people of Limoges are
fools?
ORO. Do you think, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that the people of Paris are
asses?
MR. POUR. Do you imagine, Mr. Oronte, that a man like me can be dying
for a wife?
ORO. Do you imagine, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that a daughter like mine
can be dying for a husband?
SCENE VI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, JULIA, ORONTE.
JUL. I have just been told, father, that Mr. de Pourceaugnac has come.
Ah, there he is, no doubt; my heart tells me so. How handsome he is!
How splendidly he holds himself. How pleased I am to have such a
husband![11] Give me leave to kiss him and to show him....
ORO. Softly, daughter, softly.
MR. POUR. (_aside_). Heyday! At what a pace she goes, and how she
takes fire!
ORO. I should very much like to know, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, for what
reason you ...
JUL. (_approaches_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, _looks at him with a
languishing look, and tries to take his hand_). How pleased I am to
see you! And how impatient I am to ...
ORO. Hey! daughter, go away; will you?
MR. POUR. (_aside_). What a free and easy young damsel!
ORO. I should like to know what made you have the boldness to ...
(JULIA _continues as above_.)
MR. POUR. (_aside_). By Jove!
ORO. (_to_ JULIA). Again! What do you mean?
JUL. May I not kiss the husband you have chosen for me?
ORO. No; go in.
JUL. Allow me to look at him.
ORO. Go in, I tell you.
JUL. I should like to stop here, if you please.
ORO. I will not suffer it. If you do not go in immediately, I ...
JUL. Very well then, I will go in.
ORO. My daughter is a foolish girl who does not understand things.
MR. POUR. (_aside_). How taken she is with me!
ORO. (_to_ JULIA, _who has stopped_). You won't go.
JUL. When will yon marry me to this gentleman?
ORO. Never. You are not intended for him.
JUL. I will have him, I will have him; you promised him to me.
ORO. If I promised him to you, I take my promise back again.
MR. POUR. (_aside_). She would fain eat me.
JUL. Do what you will, we will be married in spite of everybody.
ORO. I shall know how to prevent it, I forewarn you. What madness has
taken hold of her?
SCENE VII.--ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.
MR. POUR. I say, our intended father-in-law, don't give yourself so
much trouble; I have no intention of running away with your daughter;
and your pretence won't take at all.
ORO. And yours will in no way succeed.
MR. POUR. Did you think that Leonardo de Pourceaugnac is a man to buy
a pig in a poke, and that he has not the sense to find out what goes
on in the world, and to see if, in marrying, his honour is safe?
ORO. I do not know what you mean; but did you take into your head
that a man of sixty-three years old has so little common sense, and
so little consideration for his daughter, as to marry her to a man
who has you know what, and who was put with a doctor to be cured?
MR. POUR. This is a trick that was practised upon me, and there is
nothing the matter with me.
ORO. The doctor told us so himself.
MR. POUR. The doctor told a lie. I am a gentleman, and I will meet
him sword in hand.
ORO. I know what I ought to believe, and you can no more impose upon
me in this matter than about the debts you are bound to pay on your
marriage day.
MR. POUR. What debts?
ORO. It is of no use to affect ignorance. I have seen the Flemish
merchant who with other creditors obtained a decision against you
eight months ago.
MR. POUR. What Flemish merchant? What creditors? What decision
obtained against me?
ORO. You know perfectly well what I mean.
SCENE VIII.--MR. DR POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE.
LUC. (_pretending to be a woman from Languedoc_).[12] Oh, yèu be yur,
be'e! an' I've avoun thee to làs, àrter all this yur tràepsin' vùrwurd
an' backward. Cans thee now, yèu rascal; cans leuk me in the fae-as?
MR. POUR. What is it this woman wants?
LUC. What do I want o' thee, yèu villun! Thee's mak wise neet to know
me, disn? an' thee disn turn rid nuther, èempodent oseburd that thee
art! What! thee witn turn colour vur to leuk me in the fae-as! (_To_
ORONTE) I baent sàaf, Maister, nif'tis yèu that they do zay 'ee
weeshth vur to marry wi' the darter o'? but 'owsomever I zwear to yèu,
I be the weiv o' un, an' that zeben yur agone when 'ee was a
travellin' drue Pézenas, he made out, we' 'iz falseness, that 'ee
knowth zo wul 'ow vur act vur to come over my 'art, an' zo by one way
or tother vur to git me vur to gèe unmy 'an vur to marry un.
ORO. Oh! oh!
LUC. The rascal lef me dree yur àrterwurds, purtendin' that 'eed agot
some bizness vur to deu in 'iz own country, an' ivur sinz I 'ant
ayeard no news at all o' un; but when I wadn thinkin' nothin' 'tall
'bout 'ee, I yeard 'em say as 'ow 'ee was acomin' yur, into this yur
town, vur to be amarried agee'an wi' another young ummun, that her
father an' mother 'd apromised teu un athout knowin' nothin' 'ow that
'ee was amarried avore. Zo I starts toràcly, an' I be acome yur to
this yur place so zeun's ivur I pausible keud, vur to staup this yur
wicked marridge, an' vur to show op, avore all the wurld, the very
wissest man that iver was.
MR. POUR. What wonderful impudence!
LUC. Eempurence! Baent yèu ashèe'amd o' yurzul vur to mak sport o'
me, 'stid o' bein' abroke down wi' eenward feelins, that thee wicked
'art aurt vur to gee thee?
MR. POUR. Do you mean to say that I am your husband?
LUC. Villun! dis dare to zay tidn zo? Ah! thee's know wul 'nuf, wiss
luck to me, that tis all zo treu's the Gauspel; an' I weesh to Heben
twadn zo, an' that thee'ds alef me so èenocent an' so quiet like eens
I used to be, avore thy charms an' thy trumpery, bad luck, made me vur
to 'sake it all! I nivur sheudn abin abrought down vur to be the pour
weesh thing that I be now--vur to zee my man, cruel like, mak a
laughin' sport of all the love that I've a 'ad vorn, an' lef me athout
one beet o' pity, vur the mortal pàin I've abeared, 'bout the
shee'amful way 'eev asàrd me.
ORO. Really, I feel quite ready to weep. Go! you are a wicked man!
SCENE IX.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, NÉRINE, LUCETTE, ORONTE.
NER. (_pretending to be from Picardy_).[13] Oh! Aa can stand nowt
more; aa'm rait winded! Ah! good for nowt, thou's made me run well for
it; thou'lt not 'scape me now. Joostice! Joostice! Aa forbid the
weddin. (_To_ ORONTE) He's my ain man, Mast-ther, and as sh'd joost
loik to ave him stroong up, the precious hang-dog there.
MR. POUR. Another!
ORO. What a devil of a man!
LUC. An' what be yèu a-tullin' o', wai yur vurbèedin' an' yur
'àngin'? Thiki man's yo-ur ùzban, is ur?
NER. You're rait, Missis, an aa'm joost his woif.
LUC. That's a lie then; 'tis me that's the rail weiv o' un; an eef
'ee ought vur to be a'ànged, why 'tis me that ought vur to 'ave it
adeud.
NER. Me; aa can mak nowt o' that soort o' talk.
LUC. I do tul 'ee 'ow that I be 'is weiv.
NER. His woif?
LUC. Ees fie!
NER. Aa tell ye once more, that it's me at's joost that.
LUC. An' I vows an' declares as 'ow tez me, my own zul.
NER. 'Twere fowr yeer agone 'at he wed me.
LUC. An' me, tez zeben yur sinz 'e teuk me vur 'iz weiv.
NER. Aa can proove aal 'at aa say.
LUC. All my naibours knowth ut.
NER. Owr town can well witness to it.
LUC. All Pézénas zeed us amarried.
NER. All Sin Quintin helpt at owr weddin'.
LUC. Thur cant be nort more saafur.
NER. Nowt can be more sartin.
LUC. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Dis thee dare to zay òrt gin
ut, yèu villun?
NER. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Canst thou deny me, wicked man?
MR. POUR. One is as true as the other.
LUC. What èemperence! What, yèu rogue, yèu don't mind poor leedle
Franky an' poor leedle Jinny--they that be the outcomin's o' our
marridge?
NER. Joost look, there's cheek! What! thou's forgot yon poor cheel,
owr little Maggy, 'at thou's lef me for a pledge o' thy faith?
MR. POUR. What impudent jades!
LUC. Yur Franky! Yur Jinny, come both o' ee, come both o' ee, come an'
mak yur bad rascal of a father own to 'ow ee've asàrd all o' us.
NER. Coom hither, Maggy, maa cheel, coom heere quick, an' shame your
fayther of th' impudence 'at he's gotten.
SCENE X.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE, NÉRINE, SEVERAL
CHILDREN.
CHI. Fayther! fayther! fayther!
MR. POUR. Deuce take the little brats!
LUC. What yèu, villun, artn thee fit to drap, vur to tak to yur
chillurn arter jis farshin, an' to keep thee eyes vàs, 'feerd thee
mids show lig a father teu 'em? Thee shetn git away vrom me, yèu
scàulus oseburd! I'll volly thee ivery place, and cry op thee
wickedness 'gin I've asàrd thee out, an' 'gin I've amade thee zwing.
Rascal, I sheud like vur to mak thee zwing vor't, an' that I sheud.
NER. Wilt not bloosh to spaik yon words, an' to tak no thowt o'th
kissin' o' yon poor cheel? Thou'lt not get clear o' ma claws; aa can
tell thee! an spoit o' thy showin' thy teeth, aa'l mak thee know 'at
aa'm thy woif, an' aa'l mak thee hang for it.
CHIL. Fayther! fayther! fayther!
MR. POUR. Help! help! Where shall I run?
ORO. Go; you will do right to have him punished, and he richly
deserves to be hanged.
SCENE XI.--SBRIGANI (_alone_).
Everything has been done according to my wish, and is succeeding
admirably. We will so weary out our provincial that he will only be
too thankful to leave the place.
SCENE XII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI.
MR. POUR. Ah! I am murdered! What vexation! What a cursed town!
Assassinated everywhere!
SBRI. What is it, Sir? Has anything new happened?
MR. POUR. Yes; it rains doctors and women in this country.
SBRI. How is that?
MR. POUR. Two jabbering jades have just been accusing me of being
married to both of them, and have threatened me with justice.
SBRI. This is a bad business, for in this country justice is terribly
rigorous against that sort of crime.
MR. POUR. Yes; but even if there should be information, citation,
decree, and verdict obtained by surprise, default, and contumacy, I
have still the alternative of a conflict of jurisdiction to gain time,
and a resort to the means of nullity that will be found in the court
case.
SBRI. The very terms, and it is easy to see that you are in the
profession, Sir.
MR. POUR. I? Certainly not; I am a gentleman.[14]
SBRI. But to speak as you do, you must have studied the law.
MR. POUR. Not at all. It is only common sense which tells me that I
shall always be admitted to be justified by facts, and that I could
not be condemned upon a simple accusation, without witnesses,
evidence, and confrontation with my adverse party.
SBRI. This is more clever still.
MR. POUR. These words come into my head without my knowledge.
SBRI. It seems to me that the common sense of a gentleman may go so
far as to understand what belongs to right and the order of justice,
but not to know the very terms of chicane.
MR. POUR. They are a few words I remember from reading novels.
SBRI. Ah! I see.
MR. POUR. To show you that I understand nothing of chicane, I beg of
you to take me to a lawyer to have advice upon this affair.
SBRI. Willingly. I will take you to two very clever men; but, first, I
must tell you not to be surprised at their manner of speaking. They
have contracted at the bar a certain habit of declaiming which looks
like singing, and you would think all they tell you is nothing but
music.
MR. POUR. It does not matter how they speak, as long as they tell me
what I wish to know!
SCENE XIII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, TWO LAWYERS, TWO
ATTORNEYS, TWO SERGEANTS.
1ST LAWYER (_drawling out his words_).
Polygamy's a case, you find,
A case of hanging.
2ND LAWYER (_singing and speaking very fast_).
Your deed
Is plain and clear,
And all the gear
Of wigs and law
Upon this flaw
One verdict bear.
Consult our authors,
Legislators and glossators,
Justinian, Papinian,
Ulpian and Tribonian,
Fernand, Rebuffe, Jean Imole,
Paul Castro, Julian Barthole, [15]
Jason, Aloyat, and Cujas
That mighty mind!
Polygamy's a case, you'll find,
A case of hanging.
BALLET, _while the_ 2ND LAWYER _sings as before_.
All nations civilised,
French, Dutch, and English,
Portuguese, Germans, Flemish,
Italians and Spanish,
By wisdom's sceptre swayed,
For this the self-same law have made.
The affair allows no doubt,
Polygamy's a case,
A case of hanging.
(MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, _irritated, drives them all away._)
ACT III.
SCENE I.--ÉRASTE, SBRIGANI.
SBRI. Yes; everything is succeeding splendidly; and as his knowledge
of things is very shallow, and his understanding of the poorest, I put
him in such a terrible fright at the severity of the law in this
country, and at the preparations which were already set on foot to put
him to death,[16] that he is determined to run away, and in order the
better to escape from the people who, I have told him, are placed at
the city gates to stop him, he has decided upon disguising himself as
a woman.
ERA. How I should like to see him dressed up in that way!
SBRI. Take care you carry out the farce properly; and whilst I go
through my parts with him, you go and ... (_Whispers to him._) You
understand, don't you?
ERA. Yes.
SBRI. And when I have taken him where I mean.... (_Whispers._)
ERA. All right.
SBRI. And when the father has been forewarned by me....
(_Whispers._)
ERA. Nothing could be better.
SBRI. Here is our young lady. Go quickly; she must not see us
together.
SCENE II.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC (_as a lady_), SBRIGANI.
SBRI. For my part, I don't think any one can know you, and you look
exactly like a lady of birth.
MR. POUR. I am so astonished that in this province the forms of
justice should not be observed.
SBRI. Yes; as I have already told you, they begin by hanging a man,
and try him afterwards.
MR. POUR. What unjust justice!
SBRI. It is devilishly severe, particularly on this kind of crime.
MR. POUR. Still, when one is innocent?
SBRI. Ah me! They care little for that, and, besides, they have here a
most intolerable hatred for the people of your province; and nothing
gives them more pleasure than to hang a man from Limoges.[17]
MR. POUR. What have the people from Limoges done to them?
SBRI. How do I know? They are downright brutes, enemies to all the
gentility and merit of other cities. For my part, I am in the greatest
fear on your account, and I should never comfort myself if you were
hanged.
MR. POUR. It is not so much the fear of death that urges me to fly as
the fact of being hanged, for it is a most degrading thing for a
gentleman, and would ruin one's title of nobility.
SBRI. You are right; after such a thing they would contest your right
of bearing a title of nobility.[18] But, be careful, when I lead you
by the hand, to walk like a woman, and to assume the manners and the
language of a lady of quality.
MR. POUR. Leave that to me; I have seen people of high standing in the
world. The only thing that troubles me is that I have somewhat of a
beard.
SBRI. Oh! it's not worth mentioning. There are many women who have as
much. Now, let us just see how you will behave yourself. (MR. DE
POURCEAUGNAC _mimics a lady of rank._) Good.
MR. POUR. Why, my carriage is not here! Where is my carriage? Gracious
me! how wretched to have such attendants! Shall I have to wait all day
in the street? Will not some one call my carriage for me?
SBRI. Very good.
MR. POUR. Soho! there, coachman. Little page! Ah! little rogue, what a
whipping you will get by and by! Little page-boy! little page-boy!
Where in the world is that page-boy? Will that little page never be
found? Will nobody call that little page for me? Is my little page
nowhere to be found?
SBRI. Marvellous! But there is one thing that I see does not do. This
hood is a little too thin; I must go and fetch you a thicker one, to
hide your face better in case of any accident.
MR. POUR. What shall I do in the meantime?
SBRI. Wait for me here. I will be back in a moment; you have only to
walk about.
(MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC _walks forward and backward on the stage,
mimicking the lady of rank._)
SCENE III.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, TWO SWISS.
1ST SWISS (_without seeing_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Come you, make
haste, mein comrad, ve vill, both of us, go to ze market-place; to zee
dis Porcegnac at de chustice, which him contemns to pe hung py de
neck.
2ND SWISS. (_without seeing_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Ve moost hire one
vindow to zee dis chustice.
1ST SWISS. Man says dat zey alreaty a great new gallow plant hafe, to
hang dis Porcegnac to it.
2ND SWISS. It will pe, yes, a great pleazure to see dis Limossin hung.
1ST SWISS. Ja! to see him vaggle de feet up zere pefor all de peoples!
2ND SWISS. He pe one funny man, he pe; man says dat he married dree
times hafe.
1ST SWISS. Ze room fellow! he vant dree wifes all to himself! one fery
much pe quite enough for him.
2ND SWISS (_perceiving_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.) Ah! goot tay, missy.
1ST SWISS. Vat do you zere all by self.
MR. POUR. I am waiting for my servants, gentlemen.
2ND SWISS. You pe prooty, missy?
MR. POUR. Gently, sirs.
1ST SWISS. Missy, vill you come and amuse you on de market-place? Ve
will make you zee one little hanging fery prooty.
MR. POUR. I am much obliged to you.
2ND SWISS. It is a Limossin chentleman vat will hung pe fery prootily
at a great gallow.
MR. POUR. I am not desirous to see it.
1ST SWISS. You hafe one much funny prest....
MR. POUR. Ah! this is too much! and such odious things are not said
to a woman of my position.
2ND SWISS. You go avay.
1ST SWISS. Me vill let not you.
2ND SWISS. Put I vill, I tell ye. (_Both lay hold of_ MR. DE
POURCEAUGNAC _roughly._)
1ST SWISS. I vill not let you.
2ND SWISS. You hafe told one fery mooch lie.
1ST SWISS. You hafe told one lie yourself.
MR. POUR. Help! help! police!
SCENE IV.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS, TWO SWISS.
OFF. What is it? what is the meaning of this violence? and what are
you doing to this lady? Be off at once, unless you wish to be put in
prison.
1ST SWISS. Goot, you gone, you vill not hafe her.
2ND SWISS. Goot, you gone too, you vill not hafe her also.
SCENE V.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS.
MR. POUR. I am much obliged to you, Sir, for saving me from those
insolent fellows.
OFF. Oh! oh! This is a face which is deucedly like that which was
described to me.
MR. POUR. It is not I, I assure you.
OFF. Oh! oh! what does this mean?
MR. POUR. I don't know.
OFF. What is it, then, that makes you say that?
MR. POUR. Nothing.
OFF. This manner of speaking is somewhat ambiguous, and you are my
prisoner.
MR. POUR. O, Sir, I pray!
OFF. No, no; to judge by your appearance and your manner of speaking,
you must be that Mr. de Pourceaugnac we are looking for, although you
are disguised in this manner, and you must come to prison at once.
MR. POUR. Alas!
SCENE VI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, THREE POLICE OFFICERS.
SBRI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Heavens! what does this mean?
MR. POUR. They have discovered who I am.
OFF. Yes, yes; I am delighted about it.
SBRI. (_to the_ OFFICER). Ah, Sir! for my sake! do not take him to
prison; you know that we have been friends a long while.
OFF. I cannot help it.
SBRI. You are a man to hear reason. Is there no way of adjusting this
matter with the help of a few pistoles?
OFF. (_to his subordinates_). Go farther back.
SCENE VII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, A POLICE OFFICER.
SBRI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). You must give him some money for him
to let you go. Be quick.
MR. POUR. (_giving some money to_ SBRIGANI). Ah! cursed place.
SBRI. Here, Sir.
OFF. How much is there?
SBRI. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
OFF. No; I have express orders.
SBRI. (_to the_ OFFICER, _who is going_). Pray wait. (_To_ MR. DE
POURCEAUGNAC) Be quick, give him as much again.
MR. POUR. But ...
SBRI. Be quick, I tell you; don't waste time; you would be happy,
would you not, if you were hanged?
MR. POUR. Ah! (_Gives more money to_ SBRIGANI.)
SBRI. (_to the_ OFFICER). Here, Sir.
OFF. (_to_ SBRIGANI). I must go off with him, for I should not be in
safety here after this. Leave him to me, and don't stir from this
place.
SBRI. I beg of you to take the utmost care of him.
OFF. I promise you not to leave him one moment till I see him safe.
MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). Farewell! This is the first honest man I
have found in this town.
SCENE VIII.--ORONTE, SBRIGANI.
SBRI. (_affecting not to see_ ORONTE). Ah! What a strange adventure!
What terrible news for a father! Poor Oronte, how much I pity you!
What will you say? How will you ever be able to bear with such a
misfortune?
ORO. What is it? Of what misfortune do you speak?
SBRI. Ah, Sir! This wretch of a Limousin has run away with your
daughter!
ORO. Run away with my daughter!
SBRI. Yes; she became so infatuated with him that she has left you to
follow him. It is said that he has a charm to make all women fall in
love with him.
ORO. Quick! Justice! Let the police be set after them!
SCENE IX.--ORONTE, ÉRASTE, JULIA, SBRIGANI.
ERA. (_to_ JULIA). Come along; you shall come in spite of yourself. I
will put you in your father's hands. Sir, here is your daughter, whom
I had to take by force from the man with whom she was running away; it
is not for her sake that I did it, but entirely for yours. For, after
such conduct, I ought to despise her, and it is enough to cure me
altogether of my love.
ORO. Ah! infamous girl that you are!
ERA. (_to_ JULIA). How could you treat me in that way, after all the
proofs of affection I have given you? I do not blame you for being
obedient to your father's will; he is wise and judicious in all he
does; and I do not complain of him for having preferred another to me.
They told him that that other man was richer than I by four or five
thousand crowns, and four or five thousand crowns are a good round
sum, and are enough to make a gentleman break his word; but that you
should forget in a moment all the love I had for you, suffer yourself
to fall madly in love with the first new-comer, and shamefully follow
him; without the consent of your father, after all the crimes that
were charged upon him! It is what all the world will condemn, and what
my heart can never cease to reproach you with.
JUL. Well, yes; I fell in love with him, and I wanted to follow him,
since my father had chosen him to be my husband. Whatever you may say,
he is a very honest man, and all the crimes they accuse him of are so
many detestable falsehoods.
ORO. Be silent; you are an impertinent hussy, and I know better than
you.
JUL. They are some tricks they have played him, and (_showing_ ÉRASTE)
it is he himself, no doubt, who managed it all, to disgust you with
him.
ERA. What! I should be capable of such a thing?
JUL. Yes, you.
ORO. Be silent, I tell you. You are a silly girl.
ERA. You need not think that I have any wish to prevent the match, and
that it is because I love you that I hastened to rescue you. I have
already told you that it is only because of the regard I have for your
father. I could not bear to see an honourable man exposed to the shame
of all the gossip that would be occasioned by such an action.
ORO. I am truly and sincerely obliged to you, Sir.
ERA. Farewell, Sir! I had the greatest desire to enter into your
family; I did everything to deserve such an honour; but I have been
unfortunate, and you did not judge me worthy of that honour. It will
not prevent me from retaining towards you all those feelings of esteem
and regard which your person demands; and although I cannot be your
son-in-law, I shall always be at your service.
ORO. Stay. Your behaviour touches my heart, and I give you my daughter
in marriage.
JUL. I won't have any other husband than Mr. de Pourceaugnac.
ORO. And I will have you marry Éraste at once.
JUL. No; I will not.
ORO. I shall give it you about the ears.
ERA. No, no, Sir; don't use violence towards her, I pray you.
ORO. I will have her obey me, and I will show her that I am the
master.
ERA. Do you not see how fast in love she is with that man; and would
you have me possess the body while another has the heart?
ORO. He has thrown some charm upon her. You may be sure that she will
change before long. Give me your hand. Come.
JUL. No!
ORO. Ah! What, rebellion! Your hand, I tell you, at once. Ah!
ERA. Do not think that it is because of my love for you that I agree
to marry you; it is your father only I am in love with, and it is him
whom I marry.
ORO. I am truly obliged to you, and I add ten thousand crowns to my
daughter's portion. Quick; a notary to draw up the contract.
ERA. In the meanwhile, let us enjoy the pleasures of the season, and
fetch in those masks whom the report of Mr. de Pourceaugnac's wedding
has attracted hither.
SCENE X.--A BALLET
FOOTNOTES:
1. Pourceaugnac equals _pourceau_, "a young pig," plus the local
ending _-gnac_.
2. Compare the "royal cautery" in 'The Flying Doctor'.
3. Sbrigani and Nérine are merely the conventional rogues of the
stage. Compare Mascarille, Scapin.
4. Compare act ii. scene xii.
5. The Neapolitans had no great reputation for sincerity.
6. _Mode de la cour pour la campagne._
7. _Consul_ in the south equalled _chevin_ in the north. Both words
are obsolete in this sense.
8_Ma croix de par Dieu_, "my Christ-cross-row," or
"Criss-cross-row," in old and provincial English.
9. _Translation_
THE TWO PHYSICIANS.
Good day, good day, good day!
Yield not yourself a prey
To melancholy sway.
We'll make you laugh, I trow,
With songs harmonious, gay.
Unto us your cure is dear,
For that alone we're here.
Good day, good day, good day!
1ST PHYSICIAN.
Nought else is madness true
Save melancholy blue.
Not lost is he,
Though sick he be,
Who sips of mirth the dew.
Nought else is madness true
Save melancholy blue.
2ND PHYSICIAN.
Up then! sing loud, and dance and play,
"Better still I'd do!" you say.
Delirium's nigh--if you must pine,
Take first some wine;
And sometimes, too, take your tabàc
Right joyfully, Monsu Pourceaugnac.
10. Take it, take it. Sir; it will do you no harm, &c.
11. See act i, scene iii.
12. Somerset dialect is employed here.
13. Lowland Scotch is employed here.
14. Compare act i. scene v.
15. The French forms have been retained for the sake of the rhyme.
16. Bigamists were really put to death.
17. Molière seems to have had a grudge against Limoges. Compare act i.
scene i.
18. Footnote: Noblemen were beheaded.