A LETTER FROM JIMMIE
Jimmie's "bread-and-butter" letter gave me such joy that I copy it
here, which shows how little I care for the conventions of life,
inasmuch as I reproduce none of the others. Lady Mary's, Mrs.
Jimmie's, Artie Beg's, Cary's, Sir Wemyss's, Captain Featherstone's,
were all models of propriety, and, except that they are friends of
mine, I would add, of stupidity. Bee's--Bee's showed me a dozen ways
in which I might have improved my hospitality, and hers, at least, does
not come under the head of the name. But Jimmie's! Here it is:
"Wretched creature and your wholly irreproachable husband:
"Ordinarily I would simply write to say that I had had a bully good
time at the iniquitous place where you hang out, and by so doing--were
I an ordinary man--would consider that I had paid my just debts and was
quits with the world--and with you. But not being ordinary--on the
contrary, and without undue pride, denominating myself as a most
extraordinary, rare, and orchid-like male creature, I feel that the
appended narrative, albeit I do not figure therein as Sir Galahad or
King Arthur, is no more than your just due. I relinquish the steel
helmet and holy grail adjuncts, and exploit myself to your ribald gaze
and half-witted laughter just as I is.
"But first, let me rid myself of my obligations. I did enjoy every
moment of my stay, and I recall, with a particular and somewhat
pardonable pride, that you, Faith, on one occasion, took off my
shoes,--a menial duty which I shall hereafter exact of you wherever we
may be. Don't complain. It was yourself established the precedent,
somewhat, if you will remember, against my will.
"Aubrey, as usual, was all that was kind.
"My duty now being done, I will proceed to narrate something which wild
horses could not draw from me for anybody but you.
"To begin with, you have been told that we are building a house, and
you know how interested I am in all its details. For example, a pile
of bricks had been left on the third floor, which plainly belonged to
the cellar. I had to come up on ladders, the hole for the stairways
being left open. As the pulley for hoisting and lowering materials was
still there, and an empty barrel stood invitingly near, I decided to
assist Nature by lowering those bricks to their final resting-place. I
therefore filled the barrel with them, and hooked the barrel on to the
pulley.
"Now, Faith, as you have frequently remarked, I am thin, but just how
thin I did not realize until I had yanked that barrel of bricks over
this yawning aperture. The first thing that attracted my attention was
the bumping of my spine against the roof--or ceiling, or whatever was
highest in the house.
"I had presence of mind enough to kick at the barrel as I flew past it,
so that it wouldn't dent my white waistcoat. The rope slid with
violence through my hands, taking my palms with it. As I was pasted
tranquilly against the skylight, and wondering how I was to get down,
the problem was at once solved for me, but not to my satisfaction, by
the bottom of the damned barrel giving out. Picture to yourself the
consequences.
"The bricks being thus left on Mother Earth, I, with indescribable
rapidity, having still hold of the rope, passed the staves in mid-air,
as I hastily descended, lighting in a sitting posture on the pile of
bricks. The sensation, Faith and Aubrey, is not pleasant.
"However, I possess a philosophic nature and a sense of humour. I
realized that the worst was over, and that I was well out of my scrape.
I therefore released the rope, and fell to examining my bruises. Will
you believe it? Those wretched barrel-staves had no more consideration
than to descend crushingly upon my unprotected skull, and to remove
portions of my ears in so doing.
"I got out of there. I don't care for new houses, and carpenters may
leave bricks on the piano hereafter for all of me.
"I have not told my wife. She is sensitive, and loves me. As neither
of these aspersions describe you and Aubrey, I am impelled to state the
incident to you, hoping that it may give your ribald selves a moment's
diversion. I called on Lady Mary at the Cambridge, and told this to
her, and she laughed until she cried. Then she said:
"'Oh, Mr. Jimmie, promise me that you will tell the whole thing to
mamma--just as you have told it to me!'
"Imagine telling this to the Duchess of Strowther!
"Again, I repeat, I enjoyed myself on your ranch. I particularly
enjoyed seeing Bee do the bucolic.
"Give the enclosed to Billy, and tell the old man to buy something with
it to remember me by.
"And with kind remembrances to yourself and Aubrey, I am
"Your slave,
"JIMMIE."