HOW BEE TRIED TO MAKE US SMART
Bee had spent nearly all the time since we were married in Europe, and
had never, therefore, paid the Angel and me a visit. But this very
afternoon she was to arrive.
The arrival of one's sister need not necessarily mean anything as
alarming as a smallpox scare, but if you knew the somewhat
revolutionary methods, adopted with a ladylike quiet and a well-bred
calm, which characterize Bee's visits to her relatives, you would
excuse our somewhat flurried preparations to entertain her. In
addition to our natural desire to do our best for her, Bee had sent a
letter clearly setting forth the style of entertainment she expected of
us, and indicating that no paltry excuses would be taken for our not
coming up to her wishes.
Aubrey was at first for open rebellion.
"If she will take us as she finds us, Bee will be welcome to come and
stay as long as she likes," he said, while her letter was still fresh
in our minds.
"She won't," I said, with conviction. Bee is my sister, or to speak
more accurately, I am Bee's sister. "She will come prepared to make
radical changes in our mode of living, in everything from our religion
to the way we have hung the pictures."
Aubrey used one small unprintable word.
"Furthermore," I added, "she will be so smooth and plausible about it,
that you will not object to carrying out her wishes."
The Angel gave me a look.
"If we carry out her wishes, do you think that will be the reason?" he
asked, quietly.
"No," I cried, impulsively. "It will be because as a host or as
anything else you are an Angel."
But he is also a diplomat, as his next remark will show.
"As we are incapable with such generic instructions," he said, tapping
Bee's letter with his pipe, "of knowing just how we must make ourselves
over to suit her, and as Bee is never quite happy unless she is
managing other people's affairs, suppose we wait until she comes and
gives us specific orders?"
This was what I considered the height, climax, and acme of hospitality.
"Only," he warned me as we drove to the station to meet her, "try to
remain, within bounds. The only thing I ha--criticize about Bee is
that she makes such a coward of you. Remember when she tries to
browbeat you, that _I_ consider your taste and common sense better than
hers, and that in any stand you take I am back of you, no matter what
it is."
I pressed the Angel's hand gratefully. Bee's train was appallingly
near, and my blissful married independence was rapidly degenerating
into my former state of jelly-like sisterly dependence.
Bee is one of those persons who, consciously or unconsciously, make you
feel the moment you meet her the difference between your clothes and
hers. I had almost forgotten this, but the second she stepped from the
train I was invisibly informed of the distance between us. I had put
on my best, and Aubrey said I looked very well, but in Bee's first
sweeping glance at me I felt sure that my dress was wrong in the back.
The carriage drove up, and, as Bee stepped into it, I noticed, that the
horses were too fat, and that, while old Uncle Amos might be a comfort,
he certainly was not stylish. I never had thought of these things
before.
In other words, Bee brought the city into too close juxtaposition for
the country to enjoy without a Mark-Tapley effort to come out strong
under trying circumstances.
Our place, Peach Orchard, was old, rambling, and picturesque. But it
was also comfortable. Both the Angel and I hate the idea of pioneering
or of doing without city comforts. So we had put bathrooms in here and
electric lights there, and, by adding city improvements to a country
estate, we had made of Peach Orchard a dear old place. It was a place,
too, over which some people raved, so I was loth to view it through my
critical sister's eyes for fear of permanent disenchantment.
But at first Bee was very polite. She affected an interest in the cows
and the number of hens sitting and how many more chickens we got than
the people whose estate adjoins. She spoke of the butter, which so
filled me with enthusiasm that I sent down to the dairy and had Mary
bring up Katie's last churning to show her. I was so interested in the
colour of the golden rolls in their cheese-cloth coverings that I did
not notice Bee's expression until afterward.
At five Bee asked for tea. There were some hurried whispered
instructions before we got it. But we pulled through that all right.
Then Bee said:
"Who is coming out to-night?"
"Coming out where?" I asked, genially.
"Why, to dine. Surely, you don't dine here alone, just you two, every
evening?"
I looked at Aubrey, and he looked at me.
"To be sure we do! Do you think we are already so bored by each other
that we send to New York for people to amuse us?" I cried, with some
spirit.
"Oh, not at all!" answered Bee, politely. "Only, I thought perhaps,
now that I am here, you would have some one from town for me to talk
to."
"Why, I'll talk to you and so will Aubrey--"
I stopped in confusion. Again it was something in Bee's expression, I
felt the same way when I called her attention to the length of the
sorrels' tails. It reminded me that Bee preferred them docked.
"It is your first night with us, so nobody will be here to-night," I
said, rising to the emergency. "But to-morrow we'll have somebody.
I'll ask the Jimmies!"
"Or perhaps you could get Captain Featherstone from Fort Hamilton,"
suggested Bee.
"That is not likely," I said. "He has so many engagements."
"You might try him--by telephone," suggested Bee again.
"Certainly, I'll ask him," I said, cordially.
Aubrey pressed my handkerchief into my hand with a meaning twinkle in
his eyes, and when Bee went in to dress, he said:
"It will be rather nice to see old Featherstone again, don't you think?"
"Yes, if we can get him," I answered.
"You poor little goose," said Aubrey, "don't you know they have it all
arranged, and that Featherstone won't go beyond earshot of the
telephone until he receives your invitation?"
To be sure! I had forgotten Bee's methods.
Of course it turned out as Aubrey predicted--it always does. Captain
Featherstone accepted with suspicious alacrity.
For three days Bee was polite, and I, who am most easily gulled for a
person who looks as intelligent as I do, was pluming myself upon the
fact that our modest mode of living was proving agreeable to Bee's
jaded European palate. I wondered if she had noticed my housekeeping.
She had not expressed herself in any way, but I wondered if she had
observed how scrupulously neat everything was, that there was no lint
on the floors and what bully things we had to eat.
I was the more eager to know what she thought from the fact that most
of my friends had not hesitated to say that I couldn't keep house, and
the Angel would starve. And once when I wrote home for a recipe for
tomato soup and one of the girls heard of it, she actually sent me this
insulting telegram: "Tomato soup! You! O Lord!"
Which just shows you.
So, on the third day, on seeing Bee cast a critical look around, I
said, unable to wait another minute for the praises I was sure would
come:
"Well, what do you think of us anyway?"
Then I leaned back with the thought in my mind, "Now here is where, as
Jimmie would say, I get a bunch of hot air."
Bee wheeled around on me eagerly, and I smiled in anticipation.
"Do you really want to know?"
"Of course I do!" I cried, impatiently.
"You asked me, you know," she said, warningly.
"I know I did. Go ahead. Tell me."
"Tell you what I think of you?" said Bee, looking me over as if to find
a sensitive spot for her blow to fall on. "Well, I think that you are
the most hopelessly _bourgeoise_ mortal I ever knew."
I sat up.
"_Bourgeois_!" I exploded.
"From a woman with social possibilities," she went on, "you have
degenerated into a mere housewife. And you and Aubrey have become
positively--"
She paused in order to be more impressive.
"Domestic!" she hissed at last with such vehemence that I bit my
tongue. As I put in no defence she went on, gathering momentum as she
talked.
"When I heard that you had come to live in one of the smartest towns
along the Hudson, where millionaires are as thick as blackberries, I
said to myself: 'Now they will rise to the occasion.' But have you?
No! I come, fresh from those gorgeous house-parties in England, to
find you and Aubrey no better than farmers and--satisfied with
yourselves! If you could only get my point of view and see _how_
satisfied you are!"
"We are happy,--that's what it is!" I interpolated, feebly.
"Then be miserable, but progress!" cried Bee. "Such a state of social
stagnation as you exist in is a sin against yours and Aubrey's talents."
I was so stunned I forgot to bow at this unexpected compliment.
"Here you are in the midst of smart traps, servants in livery, horses
with docked tails and magnificent harnesses, perfectly contented with
fat, lazy horses, an old negro coachman in a green coat, and carriages
whose simplicity is simply disgusting. There is only one really
magnificent thing about Peach Orchard, and that is the dog."
I felt faint. To have earned the right to live in Bee's eyes only by a
dog's breadth! It was mortifying.
"I don't care so much for myself," pursued Bee, comfortably, "but what
Sir Wemyss and Lady Lombard will say, _I_ don't know."
"Why, they aren't coming here, are they?" I gasped, sitting up.
"They are, if you will invite them. Of course I have nowhere to
entertain them, in return for all they did for me, and I thought
possibly you would ask them here for a fortnight, but since I have seen
how you live--unless, perhaps, you would be willing to be smartened up
a bit?"
Bee looked distinctly hopeful.
"What would you suggest?" I asked, huskily.
Bee cleared her throat in a pleased way.
"First of all, let me be assured that I will not be embarrassing you,"
she said, politely. "You can afford to--to branch out a little?"
"Yes," I said. But my pleasure in the admission was not keen.
"Then," said Bee, "I would advise a coachman and a footman in livery.
I know just where two excellent Englishmen can be got. Then you want
all this made into lawns. You want to exercise the horses more, and
have their tails docked. And above all you want a victoria."
"We have got that," I said. "I was going to surprise you with it. It
came this morning."
"Where is it?" cried Bee, standing up and shaking out her gown.
"In the barn, but perhaps--"
"Let's go and look at it!" exclaimed Bee. Then as we started she laid
her hand kindly on my arm. "And please say 'stables,' not 'barn.' Sir
Wemyss might not know what you meant."
I giggled at this, for ours is so hopelessly a barn. Nobody but a fool
would try to rejuvenate the huge red structure by the word "stables."
It sheltered the lovely, soft-eyed Jerseys, a score of sitting hens in
one retired corner, the horses, the feed, the carriages, and farm
implements. Stables indeed!
Bee walked straight by all the animals, who turned their heads and gave
me a welcome after their several kinds, and stood in delighted
contemplation before the beautiful shining victoria.
"That is a beauty!" she said, at length. "Aubrey certainly knows
what's what, even if you don't. Now I can tell you what has been in my
mind all day long. Oh, do leave that cow alone and listen! Call the
dog!"
Jack, our snow-white bulldog, came at a word. Bee beamed on him.
"It is the latest--the very latest fad in London to drive in a victoria
with a white bulldog on the seat with you!" she said, complacently.
"And Jack will be simply perfect for the part."
"Shall I train Aubrey to run behind with his tongue hanging out, in
Jack's place?" I asked.
"Now there you go--rejecting my simplest suggestion!" cried Bee. "My
simplest, my smartest, and my least expensive! This won't cost you a
penny, and it will attract attention at once."
I closed my eyes for a moment to contemplate just what sort of
attention we would attract if the dog and I drove to the Station to
meet Aubrey.
"Suppose we try it now!" suggested Bee. "Will you have Amos bring out
the horses?"
Bee is always scrupulously polite about not giving orders to my
servants direct, although I have begged her to consider them as her
own. I always think that a hostess who neglects to make her guests
feel at liberty to give an order either is not accustomed to servants
or else stands in too much awe of them.
Jack, the bulldog, assisted in our preparations with much getting under
our feet and many hearty tail-waggings. Little he knew what was to
follow!
Bee carefully gave me my position at the right, and took her own.
"Now," she said, "there are two equally correct ways of sitting in a
victoria, neither of which you are doing."
I was quite comfortable, but I immediately sat up.
"It depends upon what you have on," Bee proceeded. "If you are
tailor-made and it is morning, you sit straight like this. If it is
afternoon and you are all of a Parisian fluff, you recline like this
and put your feet as far out on the cushion as you can. It shows off
your instep."
"It comes very near showing off your garter," I said, indignantly.
"You needn't expect me to lie down like that and put my feet on the
coachman's back. Aubrey would have a fit."
"You are positively low," said Bee, straightening herself. I giggled
helplessly at her instructions. They were so beyond my power to carry
them out properly.
"Can't I sit like this? Can't I be comfortable? What's a victoria
for, anyhow?" I demanded.
"Call the dog!" was Bee's only answer.
I called him. He came to the step, his tongue hanging out, his stumpy
tail wagging.
"What'll you have, girls?" he seemed to say.
"Get in here! Come up, Jack!" I coaxed, patting the seat invitingly.
Jack put one paw on the step, and wagged his tail harder. Old Amos's
shoulders shook.
"Don' reckon you all will git dat dorg into de kerredge, Miss Faith,"
he said. "Look lake he smell a trick."
It certainly did look as if he smelled treachery, for nothing could
persuade him to enter our chariot. Finally the stable-boy lifted him
bodily. Bee seized a paw and I his two ears, and thus protesting we
dragged him to a position between us. He was badly frightened by such
treatment, but remembering that I had been his friend in times past,
his tail fluttered amiably. I gave a hurried order to Amos to drive
out quickly, but as the carriage began to move, Jack's big body
trembled violently, and he lifted up his voice in a howl of protest
which woke the echoes. He tried to jump out, but as both Bee and I had
our arms around him, more in anxiety than affection, however, he
realized that we desired his society, and forbore to escape. Jack is a
good deal of a gentleman, you see, albeit primitive in his methods of
showing his discomfort.
"He'll soon stop," said Bee, encouragingly. "He feels strange at
first."
But he didn't stop. The more familiar his surroundings became, the
more we passed horses and dogs he knew, the keener became his
humiliation at driving by in enervating luxury, where once he had
trotted pantingly in the dust and heat. His howl changed to a deep
bay, and the bay to a long-drawn wailing, which was so full of pain
that the passers-by made audible comments. As for me, I was afraid
every moment that we would be arrested by a member of the S. P. C. A.,
but fortunately the populace seemed to think we were on our way to the
veterinary surgeon for a dangerous operation.
"Poor fellow!" said one, "you can see he is injured by the way they are
holding him!"
"Ain't them ladies kind-hearted now to take that ugly-lookin' old
bulldog in that fine carriage to the doctor!" said a factory-girl.
Bee crimsoned.
"Stop laughing!" she said to me in a savage aside. "I wish I could
stuff my handkerchief down his throat. Won't he ever stop?"
"It seems not!" I answered, cheerfully. "And we really can't consider
that there is any more style to this manner of driving than if we
belonged to the _hoi polloi_ who drive with their husbands, and let
their dogs follow, can we?"
Bee gave me a look.
"I believe you are pinching him to make him howl," she said.
At that unjust accusation I took my arms away from Jack's neck, and
feeling the affectionate embrace of his lawful mistress relax, he
violently eluded Bee's, and with a flying leap he was out and away,
safely restored to his doggish dignity.
By this time quite a little crowd had collected, and Amos's shoulders
were shaking unmistakably. Both these things annoyed Bee. The crowd
was pitying her. Amos was laughing at her,--two things which could not
fail to vex. She can bear being envied to the verge of being wished a
violent death with equanimity, but to be pitied or ridiculed? Haughty
Bee! She forgot herself, and gave the order herself to drive fast, and
the way we drove back to Peach Orchard gave Jack something to do to
keep up with us. We may have lacked the style of our driving out, but
Bee said the pace was good for the sorrels. To me it savoured of the
pace of fugitives from justice.
This episode, unfortunate as it had proved, would not have dampened
Bee's ardour nor discouraged her in the least, had not Jack taken
matters into his own paws. He seemed to connect Bee with his day of
humiliation, and not only eyed her with deep aversion, but howled
painfully whenever she cornered him. And as for the victoria--to this
day, whenever it is taken out, Jack with one leap is under the barn by
a private entrance which he tunnelled out for himself on that
never-to-be-forgotten day when we endeavoured to introduce a London
fashion by means of him.
Nevertheless, her other suggestions were carried out. The lovely wild
tangle of berry-bushes and long grass was subdued. Our old-fashioned
garden was hidden by a row of firs, while Bee set out beds of cannas
and geraniums. To me it was simply hideous, but the look of
complacency which Bee habitually wore as she thus brought us within the
pale of civilization more than repaid me for any artistic losses we may
have sustained. Bee was my sister and our guest, and could only be
made happy by feeling that her coming had effected changes for the
better and by being constantly entertained. What, then, was more
simple than to content her with such entertainment as she had requested
before she came, and by permitting her to smarten us up? To be sure,
Aubrey used to tell me every night that he was going to dig up the bed
of cannas and coleus the moment her back was turned, but as I, too, was
quite willing to see that done, it seemed to me that I was treading a
somewhat dangerous road with great discretion and a tact I never should
get the credit for. Bee, I felt sure, regarded me as a fool for not
having done all this at the beginning.
At Bee's request we joined the Country Club and the Copsely Golf Club,
and I bought more clothes, and the Angel and I found ourselves in a set
we never had cared for before, but which was amusing enough for a few
weeks or months at most.
But the episode which broke the backbone of Bee's complacency and
virtually gave us back our freedom was this:
True to her word, Bee got us an English coachman and a footman, and put
them into a very smart and highly expensive livery. But the coachman
only lasted a week, having too eagerly imbibed of the flowing bowl and
being discovered by the Angel asleep in his new livery with his head
sweetly pillowed on the recumbent body of the gentlest cow. This
mortified Bee, for the men were, in a sense, her property, so she
dismissed him, had his livery cleaned, and resolutely set herself to
the somewhat difficult task of securing a coachman to fit the livery.
I could, in this, give her no assistance, or, to speak more accurately,
she would permit none, and finally she announced, with an air of
triumph which plainly called for congratulations, that she had secured
what she wanted.
The first time I saw my new coachman, there was something irritatingly
familiar about him. He seemed to know me very well, too, and called me
"Mis' Jardine" with a nod of the head as if we had formerly been pals.
But under Bee's tutelage I was on terms of distant civility with my
menials instead of knowing all their joys and sorrows as in the past.
But Bee was charmed with the _tout ensemble_. She said he matched the
footman better than the Englishman did, because the Englishman was
Irish anyway.
So that first afternoon Bee arranged to go to the Copsely Golf Club
just at the close of the tournament, and to drive up when the porches
would be filled with the players and their friends having tea. Bee
likes to make a dramatic entrance, and often relates in tones of
positive awe how she once saw a Frenchwoman in an opera-cloak composed
entirely of white tulle run the whole length of the Grand Opera House
in Paris in order to make the tulle, which was cut to resemble wings,
float out diaphanously behind her.
So as we bowled smartly along, the sorrels having been reduced by hard
driving until they were models of symmetry, the new victoria shining,
our new liveries glittering in the eyes of the populace, and we
ourselves ragged out, as Aubrey said, as if our motto had been, "Damn
the expense," we certainly felt complacent.
"Now watch him pull the sorrels up," whispered Bee. "I taught him
myself."
With that we arrived almost at a fire-engine pace in front of the
club-house steps, and the carriage stopped. But to our horror, Bee's
coachman leaned so far backward to pull up that his body was perfectly
horizontal, and--yes--I was sure of it, he braced his foot against the
dashboard to get a leverage. I have seen grocery-boys pull up and turn
sidewise on their seats in exactly the same manner.
Bee's face was purple.
The sorrels, unaccustomed to such a jerk of their bits, instantly began
to back, and two men rushed down the steps to our assistance. But Jehu
was equal to the occasion. He slapped the horses' backs with the
reins, and joyously drove our two off wheels up on to the lowest step
of the club-house porch.
In that attitude we paused, and _I_ got out. Bee, after an instant's
hesitation, gracefully followed suit. Nor could you tell from her
placid face that this was not always the way we made our approach.
As for me, I was in a spasm of laughter which Jehu saw.
"I'm sorry, Mis' Jardine," he said, as the gentlemen released the
sorrels' heads, and he prepared to drive off the steps, "but these
horses pulls more than Guffin's mare, and I can't get a purchase on 'em
with this bad hand of mine."
Then I knew who he was! He drove Guffin's grocery wagon for two
months, and had lost three fingers of his right hand!
Poor Bee! But she took it out on me on the way home for not having had
presentable servants before she came.
Now that she has gone, Amos is driving the sorrels again, and they are
getting fat.