E-text prepared by Al Haines
AT HOME WITH THE JARDINES
by
LILIAN BELL
Author of "Abroad with the Jimmies," "Hope Loring,", etc.
A. Wessels Company
New York
1906
Copyright, 1902
by Harper & Brothers
Copyright, 1903
by the Ridgway-Thayer Company
Copyright, 1904
by Ainslee Magazine Co.
Copyright, 1904
by L. C. Page & Company (Incorporated)
(All rights reserved)
TO
Dr. John Sedgwick Billings, Jr.
AND
Dr. John Clarendon Todd
WHOSE COURAGE, SKILL, AND WISDOM
SAVED A PRECIOUS LIFE
Contents
Chapter
I. MARY
II. THEORIES
III. ON THE SUBJECT OF JANITORS
IV. THE ANGEL AND THE AGENT
V. HOW WE TAMED THE COOK
VI. THE BEST MAN'S STORY
VII. THE PRICE OF QUIET
VIII. MOVING
IX. HOW BEE TRIED TO MAKE US SMART
X. OUR FIRST HOUSE-PARTY
XI. ON THE GENTLE ART OF WASTING OTHER PEOPLE'S TIME
XII. A LETTER FROM JIMMIE
XIII. THE BREAKING UP OF MARY
XIV. AND THEY LIVED HAPPY EVER AFTER
At Home with the Jardines
CHAPTER I
MARY
I have never dared even inquire why our best man began calling my
husband the Angel. He was with us a great deal during the first months
of our marriage, and he is very observing, so I decided to let sleeping
dogs lie. I, too, am observing.
It is only fair to state, in justice to the best man, that I am a woman
of emotional mountain peaks and dark, deep valleys, while the Angel is
one vast and sunny plateau. With him rain comes in soothing showers,
while rain in my disposition means a soaking, drenching torrent which
sweeps away cattle and cottages and leaves roaring rivers in its wake.
But it took Mary to discover that the smiling plateau was bedded on
solid rock, and had its root in infinity.
Mary is my cook!
Yet Mary is more than cook. She is my housekeeper, mother, trained
nurse, corporation counsel, keeper of the privy purse, chancellor of
the exchequer, fighter of exorbitant bills, seamstress, linen woman,
doctor of small ills, the acme of perpetual good nature, and my best
friend.
Cheiro, when he read my palm, said he never before had seen a hand
which had less of a line of luck than mine. He said that I was obliged
to put forth tremendous effort for whatever I achieved. But that was
before Mary selected me for a mistress, for Mary was my first bit of
pure luck. Our meeting came about in this way.
We were at the Waldorf for our honeymoon, which shows how inexperienced
we were, when a chance acquaintance of the Angel's said to him one
night in the billiard-room:
"Jardine, I hear that you are going to housekeeping!"
"Yes," said Aubrey, "we are."
"Has your wife engaged a cook yet?"
"Why, no, I don't believe she has thought about it."
"Well, I know exactly the woman for her. Elderly, honest, experienced,
cooks game to perfection, doesn't drink, thoroughly competent in every
way, and the quaintest character I ever knew. Lived in her last place
twenty-three years, and only left when the family was broken up. Shall
I send her to see you?"
"Do," said Aubrey.
He forgot to tell me about it, so the next morning while he was
shaving, a knock came, and in walked Mary. I was in a kimono, writing
notes and waiting for breakfast to be sent up. Hearing voices, Aubrey
came to the door with one-half of his face covered with lather, and
said:
"Oh, yes. I forgot to tell you. Are you the cook sent by Mr.
Zanzibar?"
"Yes, sir," said Mary.
Aubrey retired to the bathroom again, communicating with me in
pantomime.
I looked at Mary, and loved her. We eyed each other in silence for a
moment.
"Won't you sit down?" I said, looking at her white hair.
"Thank you, but I'll stand."
That settled it. I didn't care if she stole the shoes off my feet if
she knew her place as well as that. Her face beamed; her skin was
fresh and rosy. Her blue eyes twinkled through her spectacles.
"Would you," I said, "would you like to take entire charge of two
orphans?"
She burst into a fit of laughter.
"Is it you and your husband, you mean?"
"It is. I wish you would come and keep house for us."
"I'd like to, Missis. I would, indeed."
Again I looked at her and loved her harder.
"Have you any references?" I asked.
"None except the recommendations of the people who have been coming to
the house for twenty years. The family are all scattered."
"I have none either," I said. "Shall we take each other on trust?"
"If you are willing," she laughed.
And so we selected each other, and I am just as much flattered as she
could possibly be, for neither one so far has given the other notice.
This sketch can only serve to introduce her, as it would take a book to
do her justice. She has snow-white hair and a face in which decision
and kindness are mingled. She has a tongue which drops blessings and
denunciations with equal facility. Born of Irish parents, she belongs
to the gentry, yet no fighting Irishman could match her temper when
roused, and the Billingsgate which passes through the dumb-waiter
between our Mary and the tradespeople is enough to turn the colour of
the walls. Yet though I have seen her pull a recreant grocery boy in
by his hair, literally by his hair, tradesmen, one and all, adore her,
and do errands for her which ought to earn their discharge, and they
bring her the pick of the market to avoid having anything less choice
thrown in their faces when they come for the next order. She made the
ice-man grind coffee for her for a week because he once forgot to come
up and put the ice into the refrigerator.
She went among all the tradespeople, and named prices to them which we
were to pay if they obtained our valuable patronage. One little man
who kept a sort of general store was so impressed by her manner and the
awful lies she told about the grandeur of her employers that he
presented her with a pitcher in the shape of the figure of Napoleon.
Something so very absurd happened in connection with this pitcher some
three years later that I particularly remembered the time she got it,
and the little man who gave it to her.
She kept house for seven years in Paris, which explains her reverence
for food, for we have discovered that the only way to dispose of things
is to eat them. Otherwise, in different guises, they return to us
until in desperation the Angel sprinkles cigar-ashes over what is left.
She pays all the bills and contests her rights to the last penny, once
keeping the baker out of his whole bill for five months because he
would not recognize her claim for a receipted bill for eight cents
which she had paid at the door. As to her relation to us in a social
way, those of you who have lived in the South will understand her
privileges, when I say that she is a white "Mammy." Her dear old heart
is pure gold, and such her quick sympathy that if I want to cry I have
to lock myself in my room where she won't see me, for if she sees tears
in my eyes she comes and puts her arms around me and weeps, too,
without even knowing why, but just with the heavenly pity of one of
God's own, although before her eyes are dry she may be damning the
butcher in language which curdles the blood.
She abhors profanity, and never mingles holy names in her sentences
which contain fluent d's, but being an excellent Catholic enables her
to accentuate her remarks with exclamations which she says are prayers;
and as these are never denunciatory her theory is most conscientiously
lived up to.
In our first housekeeping, our rawness in all matters practical wrung
Mary's heart. She had grown up from a slip of a girl in the employ of
one family, and ours was only her second experiment in "living out."
As her first employers were people of wealth and with half-grown
grandchildren when their magnificent home was finally broken up, you
can imagine the change to Mary of living with newly married people,
engaged in their first struggle with the world. But ours was just the
problem which appealed to the motherly heart of our spinster Mary, for
she yearned over us with an exceeding great yearning, and of her value
to us you yourselves shall be the judge.
The first thing I remember which called my attention to Mary's firm
manner of doing business was one day when I was writing letters in the
Angel's study. We had only moved in the day before, and the ink on the
lease was hardly dry, when I heard a great noise in the kitchen as of
moving chairs on a bare floor and Mary's voice raised in fluent
denunciation. I flew to the scene and saw a strange man standing on
the table with his hands on the electric light metre over the door,
while Mary had one hand on his left ankle, and the other on his
coat-tails. Her very spectacles were bristling with anger.
"Come down out of that, young feller!" she was crying, jerking both
coat-tails and ankle of the unhappy man.
"Leggo my leg!" he retorted.
"_I'll_ pull your leg for you," cried Mary, "old woman that I am, more
than any of your young jades, if you don't drop that metre. Come down,
I say!"
"What is the trouble, Mary?" I asked.
"Missis! The impidence of that brat! He's come to shut off the
electric light without a word of warning, and you going to have company
this blessed night for dinner."
"Here are my orders," said the man, sullenly. "I'd show them to you if
you'd leggo my coat-tails," he added, furiously.
"I'll pull them off before I let go," said Mary, grimly. "A pretty way
for the New York Electric Light Company to do business _I_ say! If you
want a five-dollar deposit from the Missis why didn't you write and
give notice like a Christian? Do you suppose we are thieves? Are we
going to loot the house of the electric bulbs, and go and live in
splendour on the guilty sales of them?"
"Let me cut it off according to orders, and I'll go to the office and
explain, and come back and turn it on for you!" pleaded the man.
But Mary's grasp on leg and coat was firm.
"Not on yer life," she said, derisively. "You'll come back this day
week or next month at your own good pleasure, and Mr. Jardine will be
doing the explaining and the running to the office. Make up your mind
that the thing is going to be settled _my_ way, or you'll stay here
till you do. _I'm_ in no hurry."
"Make her leggo of me," he said to me.
Mary gave me a look, and I obediently turned my back. The man slammed
the little door of the metre, and Mary let go of him. He climbed down.
"I can turn it off in the basement just as well," he said, with a grin.
I was about to interfere and offer a cheque, but Mary was too quick for
me. She took him by the arm, with a "Come, Missis," and marched him
before her, with me meekly following, to the telephone in the Angel's
study.
"Now, then, young feller, call up the office!" she commanded. The man
obeyed. Indeed few would have dared to resist.
"Now get away and let the Missis talk to your boss. Tell him what we
think of such doings, Missis."
I, too, obeyed her. I stated the case in firm language. He
apologized, he grovelled. It was all a mistake (Mary sniffed); the man
had no such orders (Mary snorted). I could send a cheque at my
leisure, and if I would permit him to speak to his henchman all would
be well.
I handed the receiver to a very cowed and surly man, whom Mary
persistently addressed as "Major." As he turned from the telephone,
Mary surveyed him with twinkling eyes.
"Are you going to turn off our electric light, Major?" she said,
laughing at him. To my surprise, he laughed with her. Tradespeople
always did.
"Not to-day," he said as amiably as though she had been entertaining
him at tea. Then she let him out, and went back to her dusting. She
looked at me compassionately.
"It's the way that dummed company takes to get people to pay their
deposits promptly," she said. "But trust Mary Jane Few Clothes to get
ahead of a little trick like that! My, Missis, isn't it hot!"
I went back to my letter-writing feeling somewhat pensive. It was
clear that we had a competent person in the kitchen, and as for myself
it would not disturb me in the least if she managed me, provided she
dealt as peremptorily with the housework as she handled any other
difficult proposition. But with the Angel? I was not very well
acquainted with my husband myself, and I was slightly exercised as to
whether he would bow his neck to Mary's yoke as meekly as I intended to
do or not. I seemed to feel intuitively that Mary was a great and
gallant general in the domestic field, and my mother's thirty years'
war with incompetent servants made me yearn to close my lips as
hermetically as an army officer's and blindly obey my general's orders
with an unquestioning confidence that the battle would be won by her
genius. If it were lost, then it would be my turn to interfere and
criticize and show how affairs should have been managed.
But men, as a rule, have no such intuition, and I wondered about the
Angel. How little I knew him!
I was arranging the flowers for the table when the Angel came home.
When he had gone back to dress, Mary came up to me and in a
confidential way said:
"Missis, dear, don't tell your father about the electric light till
after dinner,--excuse me for putting in my two cents, but I always was
nosey!"
"Tell my father?" I repeated. My father was in Washington.
"Boss! Mr. Jardine!" explained Mary.
"Why did you call him my father? Surely you must know--"
"Pardon me, dear child. I always call him your father when I'm talking
to myself, because nobody but your father could be as careful of you as
that dear man!"
I sat down to laugh.
"You don't believe much in husbands, then?" I said.
"Saving your presence, that I don't. I believe in fathers, and so I
always call that blessed man your father. Will you believe it, Missis,
he wouldn't let me reach up to take the globes off to clean them, nor
lift the five-gallon water-bottle when it came in full from the grocer.
He treats my white hairs as if they were his mother's--God love him!"
I listened to Mary with a dubious mind, divided between admiration of
the Angel and the intention of telling him not to help her too much,
for fear, after the manner of her kind, she should discover a delicacy
of constitution which would prevent her from lifting the water-bottle
even when it was empty.
"And I'll tell you what I've been doing on the quiet for him to show
him that I'm not ungrateful. You know his white waistcoats have been
done up at the laundry so scandalous that I'd not have the face to be
taking your money if I were that laundryman, so I've just done them
myself, and would you take a look at them before I carry one back for
him to put on?"
I took a look, and they were of that faultless order of work that makes
you think the millennium has come.
I took one back to where the Angel stood before the mirror wrestling in
a speaking silence with his tie. I had not been married long, but I
had already learned that there are some moments in a man's life which
are not for speech. He smiled at me in the glass to let me know that
he recognized my presence, and would attend to me later.
When the tie was made, I drew a long breath.
"The country is saved once more!" I sighed.
He laughed. I mean he smiled. Not once a month does he laugh, and
always then at something which I don't think in the least funny.
As he took the waistcoat from my hand his face lighted up.
"Now that is something like!" he said. "I tell you it pays to complain
once in awhile. I wrote that laundry a scorcher about these
waistcoats."
"It does pay," I said. Then I explained.
"Do you know what I think?" he said. "I think we've got a regular old
cast-iron angel in Mary."
"Oh, rap on wood," I cried, frantically reaching out with both hands.
"Do you want her to spill soup down your neck tonight?"
"I didn't think," he said, apologetically, groping for wood. "_Now_,
do I dare speak?"
"Yes, go on. What do you think of her?"
"I think she is thoroughly competent to deal with the emergencies of a
New York apartment-house. This morning just before I went out I heard
her holding a heart-to-heart talk with the grocer. It seems that the
eggs come in boxes done up in pink cotton and laid by patent hens that
stamp their owner's name on each egg. For the privilege of eating
these delicacies we pay the Paris price for eggs. Now it would also
seem that these hens guarantee at that price to lay and deliver to the
purchaser an unbroken, uncracked, wholly perfect egg in the first flush
of its youth. But to-day the careless hens had delivered two cracked
eggs out of one unhappy dozen to Mary. With a directness of address
seldom met with in good society, Mary thus delivered herself down the
dumb-waiter, 'Well, damn you for a groceryman--'"
"Oh, Aubrey! Did she say that word?"
"She said just that. 'When we are paying a dollar a look at eggs, what
do you mean by sending me two cracked ones out of twelve? To be sure
_somebody_ has been sitting on these eggs, but I'll swear it wasn't a
hen.' His reply was inaudible, but he was just going out to his wagon,
and he was opening up his heart to the butcher boy as I passed. 'I'd
give five dollars, poor as I am,' he said, 'for one look at that old
woman's face, for she talks for all the world just like my own mother.'
And with that he exchanged the two cracked eggs for two perfect ones
out of another order, and took the good ones in to Mary."
"I wonder if it will last," I said to a woman who was envying the fact
that I could persuade Aubrey to go out with me whenever I wanted him to.
"It _won't_ last!" she declared, cheerfully. "And it won't last that
Mr. Jardine will go calling with you evenings. The clubs will claim
him within six months, and as for Mary--I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll wager you a ten-pound box of candy that within a year you will
have lost both your husband and your cook."
"Lost my husband," I cried, my face stiffening.
"Oh, I only mean as we all lose our husbands," she explained, airily.
"I used to have Jack, but I am married now to golf links and the club."
"I'll take your bet," I said.
"You'll lose," she laughed. "They are both too perfect to last."
"They are not!" I cried.
But when the door closed, I rapped on wood.