scientific researches, I immediately had my hair cut and carefully
combed, and hastened to present myself and my head to the Professor’s
notice. I found him a tall and thin Professor, in a suit of rusty, not
to say seedy black, with a closely-buttoned vest, and no perceptible
shirtcollar or wristbands. His nose was red, his spectacles were blue,
and he wore a brown wig, beneath which, as I subsequently ascertained,
his bald head was laid off in lots, marked and numbered with Indian ink,
after the manner of the diagram upon his advertisement. Upon a small
table lay many little books with yellow covers, several of the placards,
pen and ink, a pair of iron callipers with brass knobs, and six dollars
in silver. Having explained the object of my visit, and increased the
pile of silver by six half-dollars from my pocket—whereat he smiled, and
I observed he wore false teeth (scientific men always do; they love to
encourage art)—the Professor placed me in a chair, and rapidly
manipulating my head, after the manner of a _shampooh_ (I am not certain
as to the orthography of this expression), said that my temperament was
“lymphatic, nervous, bilious.” I remarked that “I thought myself
dyspeptic,” but he made no reply. Then, seizing on the callipers, he
embraced with them my head in various places, and made notes upon a
small card that lay near him on the table. He then stated that my “hair
was getting very thin on the top,” placed in my hand one of the
yellow-covered books, which I found to be an almanac containing
anecdotes about the virtue of Dodge’s Hair Invigorator, and recommending
it to my perusal, he remarked that he was agent for the sale of this
wonderful fluid, and urged me to purchase a bottle—price two dollars.
Stating my willingness to do so, the Professor produced from a hair
trunk that stood in the corner of the room, which he stated, by the way,
was originally an ordinary pine box, on which the hair had grown since
“the Invigorator” had been placed in it—(a singular fact)—and
recommended me to be cautious in wearing gloves while rubbing it upon my
head, as unhappy accidents had occurred—the hair growing freely from the
ends of the fingers, if used with the bare hand. He then seated himself
at the table, and rapidly filling up what appeared to me a blank
certificate, he soon handed over the following singular document:—
“Phrenological Chart of the Head of Mr. John Phœnix, by Flatbroke B.
Dodge, Professor of Phrenology, and inventor and proprietor of Dodge’s
celebrated Hair Invigorator, Stimulator of the Conscience, and Arouser
of the Mental Faculties:—
Temperament—_Lymphatic, Nervous, Bilious_.
Size of Head, 11.
Amativeness, 11½.
Caution, 3.
Conscientiousness, 12.
Destructiveness, 9.
Hope, 10.
Imitation, 11.
Self-Esteem, ½.
Benevolence, 12.
Combativeness, 2½.
Credulity, 1.
Causality, 12.
Mirth, 1.
Language, 12.
Firmness, 2.
Veneration, 12.
Philoprogenitiveness, 0.”
Having gazed on this for a few moments in mute astonishment—during
which the Professor took a glass of brandy and water, and afterwards
a mouthful of tobacco—I turned to him and requested an explanation.
“Why,” said he, “it’s very simple; the number 12 is the maximum, 1
the minimum; for instance, you are as benevolent as a man can
be—therefore I mark you, Benevolence, 12. You have little or no
self-esteem—hence I place you, Self-esteem, ½. You’ve scarcely any
credulity, don’t you see?”
_I did see!_ This was my discovery. I saw at a flash how the English
language was susceptible of improvement, and, fired with the
glorious idea, I rushed from the room and the house; heedless of the
Professor’s request that I would buy more of his Invigorator;
heedless of his alarmed cry that I would pay for the bottle I had
got; heedless that I tripped on the last step of the Gyascutus
House, and smashed there the precious fluid (the step has now a
growth of four inches of hair on it, and the people use it as a
door-mat); I rushed home, and never grew calm till with pen, ink,
and paper before me, I commenced the development of my system.
This system—shall I say this great system?—is exceedingly simple,
and easily explained in a few words. In the first place, “_figures
won’t lie_.” Let us then represent by the number 100, the maximum,
the _ne plus ultra_ of every human quality—grace, beauty, courage,
strength, wisdom, learning—everything. Let _perfection_, I say, be
represented by 100, and an absolute minimum of all qualities by the
number 1.
Then by applying the numbers between, to the adjectives used in
conversation, we shall be able to arrive at a very close
approximation to the idea we wish to convey; in other words, we
shall be enabled to speak the truth. Glorious, soul-inspiring idea!
For instance, the most ordinary question asked of you is, “How do
you do?” To this, instead of replying, “Pretty well,” “Very well,”
“Quite well,” or the like absurdities—after running through your
mind that _perfection_ of health is 100, no health at all, 1—you
say, with a graceful bow, “Thank you, I’m 52 to-day;” or, feeling
poorly, “I’m 13, I’m obliged to you,” or, “I’m 68,” or “75,” or
“87½” as the case may be! Do you see how very close in this way you
may approximate to the truth; and how clearly your questioner will
understand what he so anxiously wishes to arrive at—your _exact_
state of health?
Let this system be adopted into our elements of grammar, our
conversation, our literature, and we become at once an exact,
precise, mathematical, truth-telling people. It will apply to
everything but politics; there, truth being of no account, the
system is useless. But in literature, how admirable! Take an
example:—
As a 19 young and 76 beautiful lady was 52 gaily tripping down the
side-walk of our 84 frequented street, she accidentally came in
contact—100 (this shows that she came in close contact)—with a 73
fat, but 87 good-humoured looking gentleman, who was 93 (_i.e._,
intently) gazing into the window of a toy-shop. Gracefully 56
extricating herself, she received the excuses of the 96 embarrassed
Falstaff with a 68 bland smile, and continued on her way. But
hardly—7—had she reached the corner of the block, ere she was
overtaken by a 24 young man, 32 poorly dressed, but of an 85
expression of countenance; 91 hastily touching her 54 beautifully
rounded arm, he said, to her 67 surprise—
“Madam, at the window of the toy-shop yonder, you dropped this
bracelet, which I had the 71 good fortune to observe, and now have
the 94 happiness to hand to you.”
(Of course the expression “94 happiness” is merely the young man’s
polite hyperbole.)
Blushing with 76 modesty, the lovely (76, as before, of course) lady
took the bracelet—which was a 24 magnificent diamond clasp—(24
_magnificent_, playfully sarcastic; it was probably _not_ one of
Tucker’s) from the young man’s hand, and 84 hesitatingly drew from
her beautifully 38 embroidered reticule a 67 portemonnaie. The young
man noticed the action, and 73 proudly drawing back, added—
“Do not thank me; the pleasure of gazing for an instant at those 100
eyes (perhaps too exaggerated a compliment) has already more than
compensated me for any trouble that I might have had.”
She thanked him, however, and with a 67 deep blush and a 48 pensive
air, turned from him, and pursued with 33 slow step her promenade.
Of course you see that this is but the commencement of a pretty
little tale, which I might throw off, if I had a mind to, showing in
two volumes, or forty-eight chapters of thrilling interest, how the
young man sought the girl’s acquaintance, how the interest first
excited deepened into love, how they suffered much from the
opposition of parents (her parents, of course), and how, after much
trouble, annoyance, and many perilous adventures, they were finally
married—their happiness, of course, being represented by 100. But I
trust that I have said enough to recommend my system to the good and
truthful of the literary world; and besides, just at present I have
something of more immediate importance to attend to.
You would hardly believe it, but that everlasting (100) scamp of a
Professor has brought a suit against me for stealing a bottle of his
disgusting Invigorator; and as the suit comes off before a Justice
of the Peace, whose only principle of law is to find guilty and fine
any accused person whom he thinks has any money—(because if he don’t
he has to take his costs in County Scrip), it behoves me to “take
time by the forelock.” So for the present, adieu!
Should my system succeed to the extent of my hopes and expectations,
I shall publish my new grammar early in the ensuing month, with
suitable dedication and preface; and should you, with your
well-known liberality, publish my prospectus, and give me a handsome
literary notice, I shall be pleased to furnish a presentation copy
to each of the little Pioneer children.
P.S.—I regret to add, that having just read this article to Mrs.
Phœnix, and asked her opinion thereon, she replied that, “If a
first-rate magazine article were represented by 100, she should
judge this to be about 13; or if the quintessence of stupidity were
100, she should take this to be in the neighbourhood of 96.”
This, as a criticism, is perhaps a little discouraging, but as an
exemplification of the merits of my system it is exceedingly
flattering. How could she, I should like to know, in ordinary
language, have given so _exact_ and truthful an idea—how expressed
so forcibly her opinion (which, of course, differs from mine) on the
subject?
As Dr. Samuel Johnson learnedly remarked to James Boswell, Laird of
Auchinleck, on a certain occasion—“Sir, the proof of the pudding is
the eating thereof.”
“_John Phœnix._”
------------------------------------------------------------------------
BIOGRAPHICAL INDEX OF AMERICAN HUMORISTS.
ABY, JOE C., “Hoffenstein,” born 1858. A humorist who made his
reputation on the _New Orleans Times-Democrat_. His “Hoffenstein”
sketches have been issued in book form.
ADAMS, CHARLES FOLLEN (1842). “Leedle Yawcob Strauss,” a short poem
bubbling over with quiet, kindly, pathetic humour, given in quaint
German-American vernacular, first brought Mr. Adams before the
public. “Leedle Yawcob Strauss” has been followed by many sunny
pieces in similar dialect. Mr. Adams has published _Leedle Yawcob
Strauss and other Poems_, _Dialect Ballads_, etc.
ADAMS, JOHN QUINCY (1767-1848), sixth President of the United States,
first attracted public attention by his writings, and principally on
account of his pen he was appointed to many honourable posts by
President George Washington. He wrote a number of humorous pieces of
verse, the most popular being “The Plague in the Forest” and “The
Wants of Man.”
ALCOTT, LOUISA MAY (1832-1888). Author of _Little Women_, _Little Men_,
_Moods_, _An Old-Fashioned Girl_, _Eight Cousins_, etc. Most popular
with the young people of America and Great Britain.
ALDEN, WILLIAM L., born 1837. Author of _Domestic Explosives_, _Shooting
Stars_, _Moral Pirates_, _A Lost Soul_ (Chatto & Windus), and a host
of volumes of facetious short stories. He was admitted to the bar,
but took to journalism; made himself famous as the “fifth-column
man” on the _New York Times_; was appointed consul-general at Rome,
the king decorating him with the cross of Chevalier of the “Crown of
Italy” at the end of his consulship. He introduced canoeing as a
pastime into the United States, and founded the first canoe club. He
is now (1893) writing humorous “stories” for the _Idler_ and other
English publications, and his work has lost none of his old-time
flavour.
ALDRICH, THOMAS BAILEY, born 1837. Mr. Aldrich, who for many years was
looked upon as one of the most promising younger writers of America,
has now attained the first rank in American poetry. His first great
success was the _Ballad of Babie Bell_, published in 1856, and this
induced him to adopt literature as a profession. In March 1881 he
was appointed editor of the _Atlantic Monthly_. Since _Babie Bell_
appeared he has given to the public much work of a high order.
_Pampinea and other Poems_, 1861; _Poems_ (two collections), 1863
and 1865; _Cloth of Gold_, 1874; _Flower and Thorn_, 1876; _Lyrics
and Sonnets_, 1880, in verse; and _Marjorie Daw and other People_,
1873; _Prudence Palfrey_, 1874; _The Stillwater Tragedy_, 1880;
_Mercedes_, 1883, in prose, are well known in Great Britain and
America. Messrs. Macmillan & Co. publish his works in England, and
Houghton, Mifflin, & Co. in America.
ALSOP, GEORGE, born 1638. When twenty years old he sailed to Maryland,
and for four years laboured as a servant. At the restoration of King
Charles he, a warm Royalist, returned to England, and whether he
returned to America or not is uncertain. He published _A Character
of the Province of Maryland_, a volume of prose and verse, absurdly
humorous from beginning to end.
ALSOP, RICHARD (1761-1815). Founder of a society of literary-inclined
individuals known as the “Hartford Wits.” Alsop was the chief writer
of the _Echo_, a series of burlesque essays published between 1791
and 1795. He also published _The Enchanted Lake of Fairy Morgana_,
_Monody on the Death of Washington_, _The Natural and Civil History
of Chili_, and edited the _Captivity and Adventures of J. R. Jewett
among the Savages of Nootka Sound_. He was an accomplished linguist.
AMES, NATHANIEL (1708-1764), commenced publishing in 1725 a yearly
calendar—the great-grandfather of the present weekly paper. He was a
shrewd wit, and his almanac, which obtained marked popularity, was
full of quaint and wise sayings.
ANDERSON, MRS. ARESTINE (1855). A writer of humorous newspaper verse.
Contributor to many of the humorous papers in America.
ANDRÉ, MAJOR JOHN (1751-1780). This unfortunate soldier wrote a humorous
piece entitled “The Cow Chase,” which, strangely enough, appeared in
_Rivington’s Royal Gazette_ the same day that the author was
captured.
ARNOLD, GEORGE (1834-1865). Author of _McArone Papers_, _The Jolly Old
Pedagogue, and other Poems_.
AUSTIN, WILLIAM (1778-1841). His “Peter Rugg, the Missing Man,”
published in the _New England Galaxy_, made a great hit, and his
“Letters from London” are full of quiet humour and quaint
information. He was also the author of “Oration on the Anniversary
of the Battle of Bunker’s Hill,” and “Essay on the Human Character
of Jesus Christ.”
BAGBY, GEORGE WILLIAM (1828-1883). Took his degree in medicine, adopted
journalism as a profession, was appointed (1870) state librarian for
Virginia. His humorous articles were published under the pen-name
“Mozis Addums,” and after his death his sketches were collected and
published by Mrs. Bagby in three volumes.
BAILEY, JAMES MONTGOMERY, born 1841. In 1873 and 1874 America, from the
Atlantic to the Pacific, was laughing at the “Danbury News-Man’s”
funny articles. His work was to be found copied in every paper in
the land, and the _Danbury News_, which up to that time had claimed
only local attention, soon rose in circulation, until it had readers
in every state in the Union. Mr. Bailey, whose laughable sketches
made this sensation, began life as a carpenter, served in the ranks
during the war, and then entered journalism. His humorous sketches
have been collected and published. _Life in Danbury_ and _England
from a Back Window_ are the best compilations.
BANGS, J. K. Has published the _Tiddledywink Poetry Book_. His verse is
in much request by the better-class humorous papers and magazines in
America.
BARLOW, JOEL (1754-1812). After serving with the Revolutionary army as
chaplain, he, in 1783, settled at Hartford, studied law, and was
admitted to the bar. He joined the “Hartford Wits,” founded a paper,
and began writing satirical verse. In 1791 he journeyed to England
to take part in the political movements of the day, and published
his _Advice to the Privileged Orders_, which the Government
proscribed. He took refuge in France, and while there wrote “Hasty
Pudding,” his most popular poem. After serving his country
diplomatically on a number of trying occasions, he, while acting as
minister to France, set out to visit Napoleon, then on his Russian
campaign, and died of cold in the famous retreat from Moscow.
BARR, JOHN, born in Canada 1858. Taught school, sailed the great lakes,
appointed marine editor of the _Detroit Free Press_, and is now
commercial editor of the paper. Has written under the pen-name
“Baron Joe.” The extract given is from _The White Feather_, a
farcical opera.
BARR, ROBERT (1851), co-editor of the _Idler_ (1892), and for many years
connected with the _Detroit Free Press_. His humorous sketches and
short stories, both humorous and dramatic, under the _nom de guerre_
of “Luke Sharp,” first made him known to the readers of the United
Kingdom and America, but lately he has taken to writing under his
proper name. His published works are _In a Steamer Chair, and other
Shipboard Stories_ (Chatto & Windus), _From Whose Bourn_, _Strange
Happenings_, _One Day’s Courtship_, _Jones and I_, etc. Although
inseparably connected with American humour, and having made his
first success in America and on an American paper, he was educated
in Canada.
BARTLETT, JOSEPH (1762-1827), graduated at Harvard, studied law, and
travelled to England to spend his money, which he easily succeeded
in doing, and as a result found himself in prison for debt. In
prison he wrote a play, and with the money obtained for it bought
his release. Trying the stage for a while and not making headway, he
obtained a cargo of goods on credit for sale in America, set sail,
and was shipwrecked. In Boston he started in business, failed,
opened a law office in Woburn, and removed to Cambridge. There he
wrote “Physiognomy,” a poem lampooning celebrities of the day, and
afterwards “The New Vicar of Bray.” He died penniless.
BAYLES, MATHER (1706-1788), humorous verse-writer.
BEERS, HENRY AUGUSTIN, born 1847, Professor of English at Yale. Has
published _Odds and Ends_, _The Thankless Muse_, volumes of verse,
and _Life of N. P. Willis_, _A Century of American Literature_, and
_An Outline Sketch of English Literature_. Has written a few
facetious poems.
BELKNAP, REV. JEREMY (1744-1798), a New England historian, and author of
_The Foresters, an American Tale_, a work rich in humour.
BELLAW, AMERICUS W., humorous verse-writer, contributor to most of the
humorous papers of America. He is well-known to readers of newspaper
humour in the United States.
BENJAMIN, PARK (1809-1864), a Boston attorney, who drifted into magazine
writing, and being equally at home in verse or prose, published a
great amount of matter. For a time he was associated with Horace
Greeley as editor of the _New Yorker_, and in 1840 he founded the
_New World_, and, with others, edited it for five years. His
principal works are _Infatuation_ and _Poetry_, both satires in
verse.
BEVERIDGE, JOHN, a Scotsman by birth, who in 1758 was appointed
Professor of Languages in Philadelphia College; published some Latin
verse of a humorous description, with their English translations by
his students.
BOLTON, MRS. SARAH TITTLE (1815). She wrote “Paddle your own Canoe.”
BRACKENRIDGE, HUGH HENRY (1748-1816). Born in Scotland and taken to
America while still a child, he earned enough money to put himself
through Princetown, graduating in 1771, and rose to be one of the
Justices of Pennsylvania Supreme Court (1799). _Modern Chivalry, or
the Adventures of Captain Farrago and Teague O’Regan his Servant_,
published in Pittsburg, 1796, a political satire, established his
reputation as a humorist.
BRAINARD, JOHN GARDINER CALKINS (1796-1828). Studied law, but on being
called to the bar he forsook his profession for that of editor of a
weekly paper. He wrote a number of ballads, and his “Sonnet to a
Sea-Serpent” is humorous.
BROUGHAM, JOHN, born in Dublin, 1810; died in America, 1880. A prolific
writer of comedies and farces, and was editor and proprietor of the
_Lantern_, a comic paper published in 1852. Two collections of his
writings have appeared, _A Basket of Chips_ and _The Bunsby Papers_.
BROWNE, CHARLES FARRAR (1834-1867), “Artemus Ward.” When fifteen years
old he contributed comic articles to the _Carpet Bag_, a Boston
weekly. Subsequently he secured the situation of reporter on the
_Cleveland Plaindealer_, a paper of good standing, and while acting
in that position commenced his showman articles. The first of these
were written in a careless style, more as a “fill up” than anything
else, but finding that they met with extraordinary success Mr.
Browne began taking greater pains with them, and the result is a
series of as clever and humorous articles as America has produced.
He was a successful lecturer, and in this capacity visited England
in 1866, but his health, which had long been failing, became so poor
that he was forced to cancel engagements. He died in Southampton,
England.
BROWNE, JOHN ROSS (1817-1875), author of _Yusef_, _American Family in
Germany_, _Land of Thor_, and other records of his travels in
Europe, well worth reading. He was a great traveller, visiting every
quarter of the globe, and his pen was never idle.
BUNNER, HENRY CUYLER (1885), present editor of _Puck_ (1892). He is a
writer of graceful verse and short stories, which are overflowing
with refined humour. _Airs from Arcady_, a volume of short verse,
_Short Sixes_ and _The Zodac Pines_, volumes of short stories, and
_A Woman of Honour_, a novel, are his principal published works. He
is one of the best of the many brilliant short-story writers America
of to-day possesses. Charles Scribner’s Sons and Ogilvie & Co.,
publishers, America.
BURBANK, “MAJOR,” editor _New Orleans Piccayune_, a humorous writer and
lecturer.
BURDETTE, ROBERT JONES (1844), first attracted attention by his humorous
articles to the _Burlington Hawkeye_. These sketches have been
collected and published in book form under the titles of _The Rise
and Fall of the Moustache_, _Hawkeyes_, _Sumach Garden_, and other
comic sketches. His humour is of the evanescent quality, and suited
better to the columns of a daily or weekly paper than to publication
in book form.
BURTON, WILLIAM EVANS, born in England, 1804; died in America, 1860. In
1834 he emigrated to America, and for a time was the leader of the
dramatic profession in America. In 1858 he published the _Cyclopædia
of Wit and Humour_ (2 vols.).
BUTLER, WILLIAM ALLEN, born 1825. A lawyer of New York who has been a
frequent contributor to the periodical literature of the country.
His _Nothing to Wear_, first published in 1857, is to be found in
most collections of American humour.
BYLES, DR. MATHER (1707-1788), more famous for his jokes in conversation
and in the pulpit than for his writings.
BYRD, COLONEL WILLIAM (1674-1744). Founder of Richmond, Va., three times
agent for the colony in England, and for thirty-seven years member
of the King’s Council. His _Westover Manuscripts_ were published in
1841. They are “A Journey to the Land of Eden,” “A Progress to the
Mines,” and “History of the Dividing Line.” He wrote verse, and was
considered a great wit.
CARLETON, WILL, born 1845. Without doubt the most popular humorous
verse-writer of the day in America. His versification is far from
being irreproachable, but he takes the everyday occurrences of life
and treats them in a simple humorous style which appeals to the
great public. His works are, _Farm Ballads_, _Farm Legends_, _Young
Folks’ Rhymes_, _Farm Festivals_, _City Ballads_, _City Legends_,
all published by Harper’s, New York, and most of them by Sampson
Low, Marston, & Co., London. For pictures of rural life his work is
invaluable.
CHENEY, JOHN VANCE (1848), public librarian of San Francisco. He has
published two dainty books of fascinating, graceful, and wayward
verse_, Thistledrift_ and _Wood Blooms_. See also _Poems of Wild
Life_, “Canterbury Poets.”
CLARK, LEWIS GAYLORD (1810-1873). Appointed editor of the _Knickerbocker
Magazine_ in 1834. He brought the magazine into fame, and gathered
around him as contributors, Longfellow, Irving, Bryant, Halleck,
Morris, and other well-known men. His published works in book form
are _Knickerbocker Sketch-Book_, and _Knick-Knacks from an Editor’s
Table_.
CLARK, WILL W., the “Frisbee” and “Gilhooley” of the _Pittsburg Leader_.