dictionary of repute) must be a proper name, and that either it
belonged to the man who, owning the house in which the dog and cat
lived, knew all the circumstances of the story, and being likely to be
interested in it, was naturally invoked by the author at the beginning
of his song; or that it was, in fact, the name of the author himself,
and that the words mean that "I, Diddle, wish to call your attention to
the following extraordinary facts." Others, however, equally learned,
hold that the word to "diddle" signifies, in slang or common language,
to "do"--to "get the better of"--"to cheat," and that so the words
intend to convey the moral of the whole story; namely, that those who
try to cheat others generally suffer for it in some way or other.
Another interpretation is that it is only another form of the word
"Idyll," and that this song about the cat and dog is meant as a species
of "Idyll" or "Diddle," on one of the most important topics which has
ever agitated the animal world. But, whatever be their origin, there
the words are, and they are the only words in the song which have
caused me the slightest doubt. They are the more curious if the story
be true that the song was composed by a very respectable jay, who was
fully acquainted with the facts as they occurred.
_She_ could have known nothing about "Diddle," if he was a man; and
very likely only put the words in to suit the jingle of the rhyme.
There can be no doubt that "the cat and the fiddle," are words in which
is intended a satirical allusion to Effie's lessons on the violin with
the unfortunate hare; and "the cow jumped over the moon," is an
unmistakeable allusion to the cow's leap over the stream in which the
image of the moon was reflected at the moment.
When I think of the palpable reference in the next words to the conduct
of the little poodle who had accompanied Rover, and remember the
unhappy magpie's attempt to avoid her well-deserved fate by attempting
to impute her crime to the dish, I can have no difficulty whatever in
coming to the conclusion that it is upon Jenny's legend that this
remarkable song has been founded.
Judging, moreover, from the acknowledged antiquity of the legend, and
the extraordinary way in which the facts it relates seem to fit and
dove-tail in with the circumstances we all know of as bearing upon the
general relations between cat and dog, I am inclined to strongly favour
the opinion that the story is the correct version of the first
beginning of the great and terrible schism which exists between the
races. It should be a warning to us human beings to be careful how we
place confidence either in dog or cat with regard to the other.
If a breakage occurs in my house, and the servant in whose department
it has happened brings forward the not altogether unfamiliar statement
that "the cat did it," I always suspect that some dog has probably
whispered it in his or her ear; and any imputation upon the conduct of
my dogs I invariably attribute to the suggestion of some old cat.
Still, the world is wide enough for both races; and, looking at it from
a selfish point of view, their feud does not so much matter, so long as
they are both obedient and useful to mankind.
Wherefore, after I had heard Jenny's narrative, and duly rewarded her
with a carrot, I always used to go home and think how much we may all
learn from the habits of the different animals with which our world is
peopled, and how their errors are in reality no greater than our own.
For I am sure I have before now heard people both sing and play the
fiddle, without any more pretension than Effie to be able to do either;
I have heard people boast of having done things quite as impossible as
that the cow should really have jumped over the moon; I have known
people over and over again laugh in the wrong place like the little
dog, and call things sport which are nothing of the kind, and I have
listened to those who could accuse their neighbours of crimes just as
unlikely as that which the magpie attributed to the dish.
I will say no more, save that I hope it never happens _now_ among men
and women, that husband and wife ever live in such a manner as to
justify the description of their existence as being "like Cat and Dog!"
OPHELIA.
Next to an insane Giant there is nothing more terrible than a mad
Pigmy. It was therefore a dreadful event for all people concerned when
the King of the Pigmies went out of his senses. The disease came on
gradually, and was not immediately discovered.
His majesty had never been of a very lively disposition, and the court
was therefore not much amazed when he withdrew from the public gaze,
little by little, until he was very rarely visible beyond the precincts
of the palace, and was understood to be deep in his studies. Those,
however, who had the privilege of being immediately about his royal
person, were well aware that his majesty was seriously indisposed. At
first the symptoms were only those of profound melancholy. He declined
his food repeatedly, refused to open his letters, buried his face
constantly in his hands, and went to bed when the dinner bell rang.
This was unpleasant, as the royal household were forbidden by the laws
of that kingdom to have any dinner except at the same time with the
king, and as pigmies are invariably blessed with good appetites, much
inconvenience would have been caused but for the recognised fact that
nobody ever obeyed the laws unless it happened to suit him to do so. In
this manner the difficulty was got over, and the illness of the king
might have been concealed from his people if no other symptoms had
appeared. But from silent melancholy the unhappy monarch shortly passed
to the stage of frantic violence.
He threw anything he could lay hands on at the head of any individual
who came near him, used the most fearful language, and gave the most
extraordinary orders. These at first were evaded or received in silence
in the hope they might be forgotten as soon as spoken. But when the
king insisted upon it that the Prime Minister should be cut in pieces,
the Lord Chamberlain fed upon rabbit skins and oil, and the Chief
Justice baked without further delay, these functionaries severally and
together came to the conclusion that the thing could go no further.
The laws of Pigmyland were clear and well known; upon the death or
incapacity through illness of the reigning sovereign, his eldest son
always ascended the throne as a matter of course, and, failing sons,
his nearest relative succeeded to the sceptre.
Unfortunately, however, the King of the Pigmies had neither son nor
relative of any kind, which arose principally from the fact of his
having destroyed his father's and mother's families, owing to those
jealous fears which often disturb and distract the minds of tyrants,
and from the additional circumstance that he had never seen fit to
marry. Thus King Pugpoz was the last of his race, and although he was
undoubtedly no longer fit to govern the nation, the question as to his
successor was, as will readily be imagined, one of very great doubt and
difficulty.
The three great officers of state, that is to say, the Prime Minister,
the Lord Chamberlain and the Chief Justice, who rejoiced in the ancient
and highsounding names of Binks, Chinks and Pigspud, laid their heads
together several times before they could by any means agree as to what
should be done. Each of them would have been willing to undertake the
government himself, and each thought that he was the best person to
whom it could possibly be entrusted. But the other two held quite a
different opinion. Chinks and Pigspud well knew that Binks, eaten up
with gout and rheumatism, was not a person whom the Pigmy nation would
ever accept for their king: Pigspud and Binks were perfectly well aware
that Chinks had a wife and family, whose combined arrogance and
extravagance would certainly ruin the kingdom if he were placed upon
the throne, and Binks and Chinks were thoroughly acquainted with the
evil life which caused the public to regard Pigspud as one of the worst
of men though the best of judges.
So, since it was evident that none of the three could be safely
elevated to the throne, it became necessary to look about for somebody
else.
The names of all the great people about the court were duly considered,
but although there were several who would have been very willing to
undertake the business, there were objections to all. One was too old,
another too idle, a third of too tyrannous a disposition, and a fourth
too stupid for the place. So for a time it really seemed as if it would
be impossible to find a king, and that they must either put up with
their mad sovereign or go without one altogether.
Neither of these results, however, would have been satisfactory, either
to the court or to the nation, and it was therefore with joy rather
than anger that the three great officers of state received the news
that a relation of the royal family had been discovered to exist, in
whom a successor to the unhappy madman might be found. This was the
only son of the king's uncle, who, having been cruelly treated by his
father in early youth, had left Pigmyland in disgust and had been
currently reported to have died shortly afterwards. This, however, had
not been the case.
Prince Famcram had done nothing of the kind, and had never intended to
leave the world unless compelled to do so, by circumstances beyond his
control. He had embarked on board a vessel which was bound on a long
voyage, and had possibly cherished the hope that his absence from home
would soften his father's heart, and procure for him kinder treatment
upon his return. It is impossible to say whether this might or might
not have been the result, inasmuch as the opportunity of proving the
same never occurred.
It was not long after the prince's flight, that his cousin the king
took it into his royal head to destroy all his blood relations, among
whom his uncle, the prince's father, naturally perished. When,
therefore, the young man next received news of his family, he learned
that there were none of them left alive except the royal destroyer of
the rest. This news, strange as it may appear, afforded him no
inducement to return to the land of his nativity, for, dear as one's
country should be to every well regulated mind, life is not
unfrequently dearer still, and Prince Famcram was unable to discover
any sufficient reason why he should imperil the one by visiting the
other.
He stayed away, therefore, and lived as best he could in foreign lands,
until the insanity of his cousin King Pugpoz had been officially
proclaimed and publicly made known. Then, having no longer any fear for
his life, he returned to Pigmyland without delay, and at once advanced
his claim to the sovereignty.
There were, as is usual in such cases, some persons who pretended to
doubt his identity and declared that he was only an impostor. The
evidence in his favour was, however, too strong for these disloyal and
worthless persons.
The prince had all the characteristics of his noble family. His hair
was of a bright, staring red; he squinted frightfully with both eyes,
had one leg considerably shorter than the other, and was gifted with a
protuberance between his shoulders which was not far removed from a
hump. He had, moreover, the family dislike to cold water, a strong
propensity to drink spirits, and a temper which of itself was enough to
stamp him as one of the royal line which he claimed to represent. Add
to this, that his language was by no means well chosen or polite, that
his disposition was cowardly and cruel, and that he cared for nobody in
the world but himself, and you have a fair and accurate picture of the
prince upon whose head the crown of the unhappy Pugpoz was about to
descend.
It may readily be inferred that the prospects of Pigmyland did not seem
to have been much brightened by the change. Indeed, between a mad king
and a bad king the difference appeared so small to some people that
they were unable to see what the country had gained by the substitution
of the one for the other. Nevertheless, the unswerving devotion to
royalty which has always distinguished Pigmies did not fail that mighty
nation upon the present occasion.
Famcram was welcomed by the voice of the people, and those who doubted
his identity were got rid of as soon as possible. His first act,
indeed, put beyond doubt the righteous nature of his claim. He directed
Pugpoz to be immediately strangled, partly to avenge the death of his
relatives, and partly because he thought it a safer and more
satisfactory arrangement that any chance of his returning to a sane
condition of mind should at once be destroyed.
Being now undeniably the only legitimate claimant to the throne of his
ancestors, he determined to enjoy himself as much as he possibly could.
There were considerable treasures in the royal coffers, which had been
amassed by Pugpoz and his predecessors, and with which King Famcram
might have purchased as much enjoyment as would have served him for a
prolonged life-time. Being, however, of opinion that to be merry at
other people's expense is by far the best plan if you can possibly
manage it, he gave out that he expected the principal grandees of the
country to entertain him at banquets, balls, croquet and lawn-tennis
parties, and in order to encourage them in their endeavours to out-do
each other in pleasing their beloved monarch, he declared his intention
of marrying the daughter of the nobleman who, at the end of the next
six months, should have best succeeded in that laudable attempt. The
influence of such a promise was of course prodigious.
To be the father-in-law of the king was an object well worth the
attainment, and every great man throughout the length and breadth of
the country felt his heart beat high at the royal announcement. Some
indeed there were, who, having no daughters, were not particularly
impressed by the circumstance, and spoke of the whole affair as a whim
of the monarch to which slight importance was to be attached. Others,
who, having seen the manner in which the late king had disposed of his
relations, doubted the advantage of becoming too closely connected with
the royal family, proposed to themselves to take no particular pains to
surpass their neighbours in the attempt to please King Famcram. But, to
tell the truth, the great majority of those who heard the royal
determination, and who happened to have marriageable daughters,
received the news with great delight, and determined to spare no
exertion which might secure such a son-in-law for themselves.
Conspicuous among these would-be competitors for the prize were the
three great officials, Binks, Chinks, and Pigspud. Each was married,
and none was daughterless. To all three, therefore, the field was open,
and hope beat high in their official breasts.
Since they first heard of the arrival and claims of Famcram, the three
statesmen had unitedly and steadily welcomed and supported him. They
had therefore some claims upon the royal gratitude, and hitherto their
interests had been so far identical that they had been able to work
together. Now, however, the interests of each were opposed to those of
the other two.
According to the laws of Pigmyland, the king could only marry one wife,
and therefore his selection of the daughter of either of the three
ministers would at once throw the others in the shade, and place the
father of the bride in a position far superior to that of the other
two. This circumstance, as might have been expected, caused some slight
interruption of the harmony which had hitherto prevailed between these
three illustrious personages. At first, however, the only intention of
each of them was honestly to outdo the other two in the splendour of
the reception which he should afford his sovereign. To Binks, as Prime
Minister, fell the first opportunity, and King Famcram gave him due
notice that he should shortly honour him with a visit to his villa,
which was situate near the Pigmy metropolis.
Now it so chanced that Binks was a widower, principally in consequence
of his wife having died, and of his having thought it unnecessary to
seek another. He had, however, two fair daughters, gems of their sex,
and bright ornaments of the court of Pigmydom.
Euphemia was above the height ordinarily allotted to her race, and
could not have been less than three feet and a half high. Her nose was
aquiline, her cheeks flushed with the red blossom of youth, her eyes
dark and piercing, her figure all that could be desired, and her voice
clear as a lover's lute in a still evening.
Araminta, less tall than her sister, had a delicacy of complexion
unrivalled in Pigmyland; her blue eyes were modestly cast down if you
accosted her. She spoke in tones soft and low like the south wind
whispering in the mulberry-trees, and whilst her sister took your heart
by storm, she stole into it unawares, and made you captive before you
knew you were in danger.
Such is the description of the two daughters of the noble house of
Binks, as given by a Pigmy writer of eminence at that time, and such
were the charms against which King Famcram had to contend at the
beginning of the campaign. The Prime Minister had intended that his
entertainment should take the shape of a banquet; but the ladies
insisted upon a ball, and a ball it was consequently to be. Immense
preparations were made for days, nay, for weeks beforehand. The villa
was gorgeously decorated, the ball-room tastefully arranged, the
choicest music was provided, and no pains spared to ensure the desired
success. At last the day arrived, and the hearts of Binks and his
daughters beat high with expectation.
The villa was beautifully placed upon the slope of a mountain, at the
foot of which a broad river wound through flowery meads and fertile
fields, enriching and beautifying both in its onward course. The
grounds of the villa stretching along the banks of the river, were
beautiful to a degree seldom seen out of Pigmyland, and never had they
appeared to greater advantage than on the present occasion. Gay flags
streamed from staffs placed in the most conspicuous positions as well
as from many of the tallest of the trees which abounded in those
magnificent gardens; sounds of lively music were wafted upon the soft
summer breeze to the entranced ear of the listener; and every heart was
filled with rejoicing and merriment.
King Famcram was received at the entrance by a crowd of well-dressed
courtiers and obsequious attendants, who awaited his coming with all
that exuberant loyalty which is pre-eminently characteristic of the
true Pigmy. He appeared somewhat late, as was in those days always
deemed becoming in royal personages, and his coming was announced by
the enthusiastic cheers of the dense crowd which thronged the
approaches to the garden gates.
Seated in the hereditary coach of the Pigmy monarchs, drawn by eight
cream-coloured guinea-pigs, and clad in rich garments of various hue,
Famcram drew near to the habitation of the honoured Binks. In his hand
he held the ancient sceptre of his race, which was nothing less than
the petrified skull of an early occupant of the Pigmy throne, who had
by his will left his head to be devoted to this purpose, and directed
that it should be rivetted in gold settings upon his favourite
walking-stick, and further ornamented by such gifts as his faithful
subjects might choose to bestow out of respect for the memory of their
deceased lord. As his successors, each upon his accession to the
throne, invited new gifts to the sceptre as a test of continuous
loyalty and devotion to the throne, the head of the dead king had
practically brought greater wealth to his family than it had ever done
during his life-time, and although an additional precious stone or two
was set in the skull after each recurrence of gifts, the greater
portion of these were, it was more than supposed, converted into cash
by the various monarchs who received them, and appropriated to their
own royal purposes. This valuable weapon King Famcram waved in his hand
as he neared his prime minister's dwelling, and looked round upon his
people with a proud and kingly gaze as he passed along.
Binks, as was but natural, met his royal master at the gate, and
prepared to escort him up the avenue to the door of the villa, across a
profusion of flowers with which the way thereto was covered.
Famcram alighted from his carriage, and suffered his host to conduct
him through the great gates, and to go bowing and scraping before him
up the avenue. He followed, squinting around him in a friendly manner,
and graciously expressing his approval of the beauty of the place. But
as soon as he had reached the stone steps which led up to the villa
door, the latter was thrown open, and, one on each side of the doorway,
stood the two daughters of the ancient house of Binks, clad in gorgeous
attire, and each holding in her hand a magnificent bouquet of the
choicest flowers, which it was their intention to humbly offer to their
august sovereign, and which they lost not a moment in presenting.
Scarcely, however, had Famcram set eyes upon the sisters and perceived
their intention, than he positively snorted with disgust, and starting
hastily backwards, (during which process he planted his heel firmly
upon the gouty toe of his Prime Minister,) he turned round fiercely
upon the latter and accused him of having intended to poison him:
"Wretch!" he cried, "there is poison in those flowers which your
daughters--if such they be--offer to me, and doubtless it has not been
placed there without the knowledge and consent of their vile parent. I
know it but too well. Make no excuses, for they will all be useless.
The nose of a Pigmy of the royal race is never mistaken. My
great-great-grandfather was poisoned by a subtle venom concealed in a
carnation, and in the similar flowers which are conspicuous in each of
the bouquets I see before me, I detect the fate you had in store for
your sovereign. But you shall bitterly rue it! Seize him, guard!"
The unhappy Binks, overcome with astonishment and terror, in vain
raised his voice to protest that nothing was further from his thoughts
than to perpetrate such a terrible crime as that which the king
suspected--and that, too, against a prince whose cause he had espoused
from the first, and in whose favour his whole hopes were placed. He
vowed that his daughters were certainly as innocent as he was, and
implored that the bouquets might be carefully examined, in order to
prove that no poisonous substance had been placed therein. It was all
to no purpose. Famcram only flew into a still more violent passion.
"No poison in the flowers!" he cried. "The villain doubts his king's
nose and his king's words! Off with him, guards, at once; and let his
daughters be taken too!"
At these words Euphemia and Araminta, who had listened with awe-struck
countenances and beating hearts to the extraordinary remarks of the
king, gave utterance to wild shrieks, and fell fainting upon the
doorway, from which they were speedily dragged by the king's orders,
and hurried away, with their unhappy father, to the dungeons of the
palace.
Having thus got rid of his host and hostess, Famcram allowed himself to
calm down gradually, and, entering the ball-room, permitted those to
dance who wished to do so, whilst he himself proceeded without delay to
the supper-room, and made himself as comfortable as possible. He then
directed all the plate and valuables of the luckless Binks to be packed
up and taken to the palace; and, having placed a guard over the villa,
which he declared should in future be a royal residence, he departed,
with the satisfactory feeling of having made a good night's work of it.
When news of what had been done reached Chinks, the soul of the Lord
Chamberlain was greatly exercised thereat. He did not for a moment
imagine that Binks or his daughters had been guilty of the crime
imputed to them by their royal master; but in the acts of the latter he
discerned a steady determination to possess himself of the wealth of
his richest subjects, and to reign more absolutely and despotically
than his predecessors.
How to escape the fate of Binks was a problem by no means easy of
solution. He was blessed with three daughters, Asphalia, Bettina, and
Paraphernalia, so much alike that they could not be known apart, and so
beautiful that nobody could see them without immediately becoming
devoted to them. In these damsels Chinks placed his hopes, and could
not but believe that the king, however hardly he had dealt with his
Prime Minister, would not be insensible to the charms of his Lord
Chamberlain's daughters. Still, he received with some fear and
trembling the notice which Famcram shortly sent him, that he would
visit him at his country house in the following week.
As the selection of a ball had not turned out well in the case of
Binks, the Chinks family resolved upon another sort of entertainment,
and at vast expense hired a celebrated conjuror to perform before the
sovereign and his court.