Hoffenstein was busily engaged scolding Hermann for not polishing
a lot of brass jewelry there was in a show case, when a thin,
stoop-shouldered countryman entered the store and inquired:
“Have you got any good jean pants here?”
“Certainly, my frent,” replied Hoffenstein, “ve makes a specialty
uf goods in dot line, und ve defy competition. If ve sells anyding
und you don’t lik it, you gets your money back or someding else in
exshange, you know. Vas you a farmer?”
“Yes, sir, I live up on Red River.”
“Vell, den, you need a bair uf bants like dese,” said Hoffenstein,
pulling out a sky-blue pair from a pile of clothing on the counter.
“Dey vas de genervine doeskin, und will last de whole year oud.”
The countryman took the pants to the light, examined the texture of
the cloth, and then shaking his head knowingly said:
“There’s too much cotton in them; they will shrink.”
“Of course my frent dey will shrink, but vait und I tells you
someding. If a man vat owns a pank or keeps a store comes here, I
don’t sell him dem kind uf pants. Vy? Because dey vas made exbressly
for de farming pisiness. Dey vas de dermometer pants, und a plessing
to every farmer vat vears a bair uf dem. Do you know, my frent, dose
bants vill dell you exactly vat de vedder will be. Ven it vas going to
be vet and cold, dose bants vill begin to shrink up, und ven it vas
going to be dry und varm, dey comes right down, you know. Dree years
ago, I sell a bair of dem to a man vat vas named Vilking, und eber
since den he makes good crops, ven de oder beoble don’t make noding,
because he always knows py his dermometer pants vat de vedder vill
be. After avile de beoble in de neighborhood finds oud de segret uf
Vilkin’s success, and at the beginning of the planting season, you
know, dey comes for dirty miles around, and if dey see Vilkin’s bants
crawling up his leg dey holds off und vaits for a change, but if his
bants vas down dey goes right back home, und puts in de crop. Dink of
it, my frent; mit de thermometer bants, you can tell exactly ven to
put in cabbage seed, und plant corn twice as better as mit an almanac,
besides ven de vedder gets so cold und vet dot de bants goes up under
your arms, you sew buttons on the front and vear him as a vest.”
When Hoffenstein finished his yarn concerning the pants, the
countryman smiled, and, turning abruptly on his heel, left the store.
“Did you see de vay dot man acted, Hermann?” said Hoffenstein, angrily.
“Yes, sir,” replied his clerk.
“Vell, it shust shows dot de more you dry to help beoble along, de
more, py tam, you don’t got any tanks for it.”