Adam was the first man--if he had been a shoe-maker he would have been
the last man.
He was placed in the Garden of Eden and was himself the guardian of
Eden. He consequently had no partner to order him up mornings, and he,
therefore, played it alone.
All the clothes he had for a long time was the close of day, while a
mantle of night was his bed-clothes.
He had dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and he
also had hoe-minion over the earth.
He was finally furnished with a woman of A-rib-ia, who was sent to
Eden for Adam’s Express Company. She was bone of his beauin’, and if
she had been called Nancy, she would have been his bone-nancy.
She was a pretty good cook, for she soon cooked up trouble for Adam,
and got him into hot water.
When Adam went down to his office mornings, Eve always went to her
household duties; but she was a fortunate woman in one respect; she
had no washing to do on Monday, so Adam was never afflicted by being
obliged to eat mush and milk from the clock-shelf.
Eve never called him back and told him to send home some soap and
starch at once, nor did it cost Adam five shillings a week for clothes
pins, for the beautiful smile that Mr. and Mrs. Adam always wore could
be licked clean with the tip ends of their tongues.
But they were not a happy couple, for the Fourth of July was unknown
to Eden.
They never listened to the bang of the cannon, the gun, or the
fire-cracker, but Eve used to bang her hair quite often.
{ wore tight boots.
{ { corns.
{ had { shirts with buttons off.
{ { holes in his stockings.
{ { holes in his pockets.
Adam never { wore patched pantaloons.
{ spilt ice cream on his lavender pants.
{ pawned his ulster.
{ pulled down his vest.
{ burst his suspender buttons.
{ paid $2 per day for washing.
{ owed his tailor.
{ { corsets.
{ { striped stockings.
{ wore { rats.
{ { mice.
{ { frizzes.
Eve never { was bothered to find a dressmaker.
{ found fault with her milliner.
{ gossiped with her next door neighbor.
{ went to church and made fun of a rival’s new bonnet.
{ had beaux from church.
When we say never, no one need say hardly ever. But Mr. and Mrs.
Adam fell just the same. As we draw a veil over their fall, let us
ask every head of a family, if he doesn’t feel like howling when he
remembers that Adam didn’t know what a good thing he had
{ dressmakers’ }
{ milliners’ }
{ shoemakers’ }
When he did not have any { hosiery } bills to pay.
{ jewelry }
{ false hair }
{ ribbon }
{ taffy }
But he could have laid in his hammock from sunrise to sunset, and read
the daily papers without feeling that he must go down town and work
like thunder, so his wife and daughters could all have new bonnets to
wear to church on next Sabbath day.
Adam was a queer duck and the fathers of to-day owe him a sockdologer.