_Y. Brownschweiger’s living room again. Granny Aunshitz in her
arm-chair, troubled with a cough. Sallie dusting furniture.
Looks out of window._
SALLIE. Es shtupt en buggy for der deer. (_Looks again._) Sis so gwiss
der duckter and seller Shwinefelt widder. Wos for business hut seller
karl do, wunner ich? Ich will hoffa see hen zunacht gessa. Ich will hite
net noch mul kocha. Ich bin getired. (_Enter SHWINEFELT and DR. FRAUD._)
DR. Good evening, Miss Sallie! Is der dad net dahame?
(_SHWINEFELT nods, etc._)
SALLIE. Yo, er is noch in der shire. Ich will em roofa. Nemmt eich sits.
(_Exit._)
DR. (_Loud._) Wee mochts by eich ols, grosmommy?
GRANNY. Wos?
DR. (_Louder._) Wee mochts, etc., etc.
GRANNY. (_Coughing._) O, orrig shlecht. Ich glaub os ich de ouszaring
hob. Ich hob so en greislicher hushta! (_Enter YOKLE._)
DR. Yacub, wee gates!
YOKLE. So, es mus gute sy!
DR. (_Seats himself near GRANNY._) Ich will eich ebbes zuwaig mocha dos
der hushta gute mocht. (_Feels pulse and looks at watch._) Seit so gute
und shtate mol uf.
GRANNY. Hăh?
DR. Shtate mol uf.
GRANNY. (_With difficulty rises._) Wos no?
DR. Ich will emol horicha wee eier lung shoft.
GRANNY. Yaw, dee shoft nix may!
(_DR. places ear first on one side of chest then on the other. Meanwhile
SHWINEFELT retires to one side of stage and converses with YOKLE._)
SHWINEFELT. (_To YOKLE._) Des is de besht business os du noch ny bisht.
Ich bin sure os see in de Five Valley Co. gait. Der Dr. fixed de bobbeera
all recht. Of course mir missa een bazawla. Er will $25 for des, ovver
sell kenna mir awe afforda zu gevva! (_To DR._) Och, Dr., du brouchsht
net so pertickler sy. Sell is shon long ganunk dorich dee motions gonga.
DR. (_To GRANNY._) Sell doots.
GRANNY. Wos?
DR. Sell doots. Now kent der eich widder setza.
GRANNY. Denksht es wart now goot?
DR. Ich will eich eppes gevva for dee levver. De levver shoft net.
GRANNY. Wos?
DR. (_Louder._) Ire levver shoft net recht.
GRANNY. Ferwas net? (_Enter IKE, listens._)
DR. (_Loud._) I, dee goll de shoft ivvershich, und won deer shnouft,
no pressed der—der—_diaphragm_ uf der _duodenum_ und sell mocht eich
shmertza in dee _bronikle_ tubes. Fershtate deer?
IKE. (_Aside._) Gott im himmel! Wos der Dr. net so feel wase!
GRANNY. O, yaw! Sell fershtain ich wohl!
DR. Well, (_motions with fingers on palms, etc._) now mist deer eppes
hovva dos dorich der _esophagus_ gait und dorich der _pyloric orifice_,
no kommets in der _duodenum_, un shoft uf dee _bronikles_ dorich dee
_pneumogastrie nerve_. (_Spits and takes chew._)
IKE (_Aside._) All mechtiger! Ich hob geglaubt sell letsht date 'n
ferwariga!
DR. (_Hunts in saddle-bags._) Dorich dee _pneumogastric
nerve_—und—und—gook! do is es! des is fom Brown sina mixtures.
GRANNY. Wos! (_Coughs._)
DR. (_Yells in her ear_) Zway tayleffle full 4 mols dogs.
GRANNY. Feer tayleffle full zway mols dogs. Yaw well.
DR. (_Louder._) Nay, 2 taylefflle full 4 mols dogs!
GRANNY. Aw nochts?
DR. Yaw, aw 4 mol nochts!
GRANNY. Won mer ovver shloft!
DR. No nemmt mer’s yusht drey [3] mole.
GRANNY. Wos?
DR. (_Louder._) I no shloft mer!
GRANNY. O! Wos mainsht don for dem Awdorn tay for’s kolt.
DR. Seller is aw goot.
GRANNY. Ich drink olly ovet en cuply foll. Derf ich grumbeera soop essa
do dazu? (_Tastes medicine and sets it down. IKE sneaks up and tastes
also, makes faces._)
IKE. (_Aside._) Es shmokt graut os wee der tay! Phuy!
DR. O, yaw! (_YOKLE and SHWINEFELT going through a dumb show as if
conversing and figuring out a problem in arithmetic._)
SHWINEFELT. Well, Dr., ich denk mer missa gay.
IKE. Duckter, mol do! Ich hob do so en wortzel. Waisht do wos forichy os
es is! Ich glaub os des gute wair for der mawga. (_Aside._) By sourkrout!
DR. Wo husht’s grickt?
IKE. I, es woxt drous im bush. (_DR. smells at it, looks at it, bites and
tastes._)
DR. Des is fon der wisa shlonga worzel.
IKE. (_Laughing and moving off._) Ah, ha, ha, ha, ya, ha! Sis yo en
gedarrter sei shwontz! He, ha, ya, ha, ho, ho, ho!—etc. (_Curtain
descends._)
ACT II.
(_Two years are supposed to have elapsed. Costumes should be
changed as to be noticed._)
SCENE I.—_Brownschweiger’s sitting room. Enter Yokle and Henner Hoffman._
HENNER. Es mus eppes gadu sei. Du bazawlsht mer yo ken interessa may und
es sayd shlecht ous.
YOKLE. Well, hob yusht noch a wennig gadult, und ferrup mich net. Ich
expect es gait bol besser—
HENNER. So husht du shon long gsaut. Won’s net ware os dy frau, dee
Frany, alendig ware, don het ich net _so_ long g’wart.
YOKLE. Wart noch a wile. Ich bin sure os es all recht wert eb long.
HENNER. Won es noch ware os wee’s for yora zurick wor ep dos dee ferdulta
fry shoola und may machina und oll dee socha in der gong komma sin, und
du hetsht besser g’shpawrt—ovver ich will der noch 4 wocha zeit gevva.
Ich mus ovver gay. (_Exit._)
YOKLE. (_Alone._) Won ich yusht seller Shwinefelt nee gsana het. Ich hob
shon bol $800 in dee inshurance co.’s bezawlt. Won ich selly $800 g’used
het for my intressa zu bezawla, het ich ols noch wenig ivverich kot for
on der haupt sum obzumocha. Do kommt widder ainer for gelt!
(_Enter SHWINEFELT._)
SHWINE. Well, Yacub, wee sayts ous hite? Sin widder dry [3] death-notices
for dich. Dy 'sessment is $23.75.
YOKLE. Ich hob miner sex kens. Won du es net uf holta konsht, don missa
mir’s fawra lossa.
SHWINE. Well, wee is dee grossmommy? Gate see net bol nivver? Ich hob net
gedenkt 2 yore zurick os see so long ousholta date.
YOKLE. See is graut aye zeit wee dee onner.
SHWINE. Denksht net 'swar zeit see date nivver gay?
YOKLE. Mer darf see evva doch net dote shlawga.
SHWINE. O, nay! Ovver won mer eera Awdorn tay shtork mocha date! See kent
mol shnell shtarwa, waisht, om mawga gromp, oder eppes so.
YOKLE. Wos in der welt mainsht du?
SHWINE. Du fershtaist’s, denk ich. Won see dote ginkt, data meer, du und
ich, $10,000 zeaga, saysht? No ken shreef, ken assignee, ken ufbrecherye!
Und see is anyhow olt genunk for op zu passa.
YOKLE. Yaw, ovver wee kent mer’s macha?
SHWINE. Horich! Ich sawg deer’s! Du gaisht in der shtore und gricksht 10
cent wart mice gift. Ich darf kanes kawfa. Ich hob kay mice, ich board
am wartshouse. Ovver du husht rotta, kansht sawga. Du bringsht meer’s
peckly und ich psuch eich anes fon denna ovet—sell is all—$10,000 oder uf
brecha. Wee sawgsht?
YOKLE. (_Walking back and forth._) Ich doos!
(_Exeunt both._)
SCENE II.
_Small sitting room. Best room. Evening. Lamp burning. Sallie
seated alone, sewing._
SALLIE. Ich wais gar net wos lets is mit’m dad. Er is gar nimmy der mon
wo er wor. Sidder os seller Shwinefelt do hare kommt will es naryets may
gay. Hite is er rum g’stonna und rum gluffa os we en dummer older goul.
Essa dute are nix may widers, und gshlofa hot er net feel dee letsht
nocht, und dee onner nocht aw net. Es doot en ebbes mechtig druvla.
(_Enter GUST._)
GUST. Well, well, Sallie, olford busy. (_Kisses her and seats himself
near._)
SALLIE. Yaw, Gust, ich _mus_ busy sy. Du waisht de mam kon nix shoffa
wayga der rummadiz for so long. Und dort is dee grossmommy, und dee
boova, und der dad druvelt sich so wayga eppes, und ich wase net forwos.
Sis gar nimmy in unsererm house we’s war. (_Bursts into tears. GUST puts
arm around her, strokes her hair in a comforting manner._)
GUST. Waisht net wos dee uresoch is, Sallie?
SALLIE. Nay, ich doo net, won’s net sy shulda sin. Do is der old Hoffman,
der hut getroyt zu shreefa, und no mus er so feel in dee life inshurance
co. bezawla, und uf der bowerie gates gar nimmy. (_Cries._)
GUST. Wen hot er don inshured?
SALLIE. Ich glaub os er dee grossmommy inshured hot.
GUST. O, nay, see is shon 10 yore zu olt. Wee olt is see anyhow? See mus
80 sy.
SALLIE. Ich hop eera daufshein hite gsayna in da shublaut. (_Goes out and
returns with it._) Do is eera elt druf. (_Both examine._) Konsht du es
Deutsch laysa?
GUST. O, yaw, do is es: “Geboren den 18ten Yooly, 1814.” Sell date see
yusht 67 yore olt mocha. Des is net eera daufshein, denk ich. (_Reads._)
Yo, sis. (_Examines._) Sawg, muldo! Do sin dee ziffera ferennert, des war
1801. War hot des gadu?
SALLIE. Ich glaub os es der Shwinefelt war.
GUST. Er war nix zu gute dafor. Und denksht du dy pap druvvelt sich wayga
dem?
SALLIE. Ich wase net. Ovver er est net, und shloft nimmy!
GUST. (_Gets up and walks about._) Ich will dich net fershrecka, ovver
ich hop hite gamaint, wee er im shtore wor, es war eppes lets. Un er hut
en peckly mice gift kauft.
SALLIE. (_Starting up._) Wos?
GUST. Sy yusht rooich, Ich hop’s g’filt mit gips. (_Plaster of Paris_).
SALLIE. O, my Gott, Gust! Wos soll ich mocha? Es sin dee shulda—my ormer
dad! (_Wrings her hands and cries violently._)
GUST. Hold up, Sallie. Ich will der now aw noch _gooty_ news sawga. Ich
hop hite en breef grickt fom ma lawyer in Ohio; der shreipt dos anes fom
mina unkles in sellera shtait gshtorwa is, un hot mir $10,000 fermocht.
Now, hop ich en plan; $3,000 bezawlt dime dad sy shulda. So feel geb ich
deer, und du lainsht’s eem. Und ich denk, mit em ivvericha, könne ich und
du awfonga housa.
SALLIE. Oh! Gust. No ferlongsht du mich nimmy.
GUST. Wos? Won ich a hunnert douset het date ich es all gevva for dich!
(_Kisses her, she cries on his shoulder._) Kum, kum, Sallie! Hile net,
mer wella nivver zu der onnera gay und wella eena unser plan sawga.
(_Exeunt._)
SCENE III.
_Same as first. Yokle and Shwinefelt seated on right. Granny on
left. In center, by her side is a small table on which are a
cup and saucer. Ike and Abe have books. Frany in an arm-chair
with pillows under head on extreme left. Two empty chairs
near C. Granny coughs. Shwinefelt rises, and, while talking
to Granny, empties a folded paper into her teacup. While so
occupied, Gust and Sallie appear at left entrance, stop, and
see him do it._
SHWINEFELT. Deer seit ols aye zeit wee dee onner. (_Empties paper into
cup on the sly._)
GRANNY. Yaw, und nee net gute. Ich hop evva ols den hushta! (_Coughs._)
SHWINE. Sis evva aw so feicht wedder.
GRANNY. Wos? (_Enter GUST and SALLIE and see the act._)
SHWINE. So feicht is es drous. (_To YOKLE._) Wos zeit is es shun. Ich
denk ich mus bol uf der wake for hame.
IKE. (_Coughing._) Ich hop aw der hushta. Gust, husht ken lickerish-ball?
ABE. I, drink fon der mommy eererm Awdorn tay.
FRANY. Yaw, sell date ich, Ike.
YOKLE. Sell is net feel wart. (_Sharply._)
FRANY. Yo es is. Ike, drink mole, und no gay in’s bet. Dee Sallie holt
der mommy no noch may.
(_IKE gets up, takes cup and drinks._)
YOKLE. (_Starting up._) Drink net. (_Excitedly._) Drink sell net.
IKE. Yaw, ich hop getrunka! (_Spits._) Wos der difle is do hin in dem
tay? (_Spits, etc._)
YOKLE. (_Distractedly._) Gift, mice gift! Grickt millich! (_Runs out for
milk. Confusion all around._)
IKE. Gift! Gott im Himmel! Bin ich fergift!
FRANY. O, Gott! O, Gott! Wee is don des ny komma?
IKE. O, my! O, my! Macht’s mich dote? Herr Yesses! Es shoft shon. Ooh!
Hooo! (_Holds stomach with both hands, bends down, etc._) Gate ebber
for der duckter. Oh! Hooo!—es shoft shon orig. O, ich grick now bol
shmartza—won ich—es brent—ach!—ich! Helf mer doch—holed ebber millich—kee
warmy millich!
SALLIE. (_Goes to him._) Es war kay gift. Sy yusht ruich. Es war nix os
gips.
IKE. We waisht’s, Sallie? O, ich glaub os es gift war. O! was es zuckt!
(_More business._)
SHWINE. (_Aside._) Dummer older difle! Olles ferdorwa. (_Attempts to
exit when GUST steps before him with a drawn pistol which he holds to
SHWINEFELT’S head._)
GUST. Net so shtorik. Sits dich noch a wile. Sis noch net so shpote.
SALLIE. Sy yusht ruich, Ike, es dute der nix.
YOKLE. (_Rushing in with a tin full of milk which he sets down before
GRANNY and shouts._) Do is seesy millich.
GRANNY. See is gute. (_Takes it and drinks it._)
YOKLE. O, my kindt! my kindt!
GUST. Er is all recht. Es wor gips in sellem bobbeer und shunsht nix. Ich
fershtay olles. Do is der kerl wo des ding g’shtart hut, und ich hob’s
en sayna in der tay doo. Now, hob ich eem por worta zu sawga. Im ershta
blotz, rous mit sella inshurance policies.
SHWINE. Do sin see. (_Hands them out._)
GUST. Do, Ike, ferise see. (_IKE does so._) Now, Shwinefelt, _clear the
patch_! Los dich nimmy in Lebanon Co. sayna, oder ich arrest dich for zu
brovera dee grossmommy zu fergifta. Ich kon olles proofa. Now nous mit
der. Ike und Abe, geb eem farrywell. (_IKE and ABE kick him out of center
entrance._) Now, dad, horich a mole. Los dy finger ous der inshurance
business. Kum in unser cumpeny. Ich und dee Sallie shtarta en cumpany,
capital $10,000, ganunk for der old Henner ob zu flicka. Net so, Sallie?
(_SALLIE takes her place by his side._)
GRANNY. Des is besser for my hushta os ich noch eppes kot hop.
FRANY. Yaw, es cured aw my rummadiz, glaub ich.
IKE. Und my bouch!
GRANNY. (_Granny rises and stretches out her hands._) Liebe kinner.
Empfongt my säga!
(_Tableau._)
IKE. FRANY. YOKLE. GRANNY. GUST. SALLIE. ABE.
CURTAIN.
End of Project Gutenberg's Die Inshurance Business, by Ezra Grumbine