preparing a little festival to-night in honor of Mr. and Mrs.--Mr. and
Mrs.--the name Peggy mentioned. My niece was married, very quietly,
some weeks ago to a charming young fellow--a charming young fellow--and
these foolish children insist on cutting a wedding-cake and all that
sort of nonsense. I didn't want to disturb you with their chatter--
RANKLING.
You forget, Queckett, you are speaking to a father.
QUECKETT.
No--I don't, indeed. [_Peggy re-enters, followed by Reginald and
Dinah._]
PEGGY.
My cousin and Mr. Parkinson.
RANKLING.
How do you--[_Staring._] What an extraordinary likeness to my brother
Ned! [_Taking her hand slowly, still looking at her._] And how do you
do?
DINAH.
[_Palpitating._] Thank you, I am very well.
RANKLING.
Do you know, your voice is exceedingly like my sister Rachel's!
REGINALD.
[_Thrusting himself between Dinah and Rankling._] I am sorry to
differ--I think my wife resembles no one but herself.
RANKLING.
[_Hotly _] I beg your pardon, sir.
REGINALD.
[_Hotly_] Pray, don't.
RANKLING.
[_To himself _] That's not a charming young fellow!
PEGGY.
[_Presenting Mallory to Dinah._] Mr. Mallory.
MALLORY.
[_Gallantly, to Dinah._] I am delighted to have the opportunity of
congratulating my old friend's niece upon her recent marriage. [_Taking
her hand._] I think myself especially fortunate in being present
on such--
REGINALD.
[_Thrusting himself between Dinah and Mallory, and giving Dinah his
arm._] How do you do, sir?
MALLORY.
Mr. Mallory--Mr. Parkinson. [_ They bow abruptly, glaring at each
other._]
MALLORY.
[_To himself._] Is that a charming young fellow? [_Dinah expostulates in
undertones with Reginald; he answering with violent gestures and glaring
at Rankling, who mutters comments on Dinah's resemblance to various
members of his family. Peggy endeavours to pacify Mallory who is
evidently annoyed, and altogether there is much hubbub, with signs of
general ill-feeling._]
QUECKETT.
[_Sinking back in his chair._] Oh, what a party! [_Jane enters._]
JANE.
[_Quietly to Queckett._] The pudding is in the arey, sir, waiting to be
paid.
QUECKETT.
I'll come to it. [_Jane goes out. To Peggy._] Margaret, show Admiral
Rankling and Mr. Mallory where the cigarettes are--they may like--[_To
himself_] Years are going off my life! [_He goes out._]
PEGGY.
[_ To Mallory._] May I take you to the cigarettes?
MALLORY.
[_To Peggy._] You may take me anywhere.
PEGGY.
[_Bashfully._] Oh! [_To Rankling._] The cigarettes are in the next room,
Admiral Rankling.
RANKLING.
[_Not hearing Peggy, but still eyeing Dinah._] That girl has a look
of Emma's sister Susan. [_Peggy and Mallory go out. Reginald seeing
Rankling is still looking at Dinah, abruptly takes her over to the door,
glaring at Rankling as he passes._]
REGINALD.
[_To Dinah, fiercely._] Come away, Dinah!
DINAH.
[_To Reginald, tearfully._] Oh, Reggie, dear Reggie, you are so
different when people are not present. [_They go out. Rankling watches
them through the doorway. Gwendoline has meanwhile seated herself
beside Saunders, whose head has gradually fallen till it rests upon her
shoulder. She is now sitting quite still, looking down upon the boy's
face._]
ERMYNTRUDE.
[_Watching them enviously._] Well, considering that Mr. Saunders was
introduced to us asleep, I don't think Gwendoline's behaviour is _coînme
il faut!_ [_She bumps gently against Rankling._] Oh!
RANKLING.
[_Looking at Ermyntrude, rather dazed._] My dear, I am quite glad to see
somebody who isn't like any of my relations. Come along. [_They go out.
Saunders moves dreamily and murmurs._]
SAUNDERS.
[_Waking._] All right, ma dear--I'll come down directly. [_He raises
his head and kisses Gwendoline, then opens his eyes, and looks at her,
startled._] Oh, I've been dreaming about my ma! I--I don't know you, do
I?
GWENDOLINE.
It doesn't matter, Mr. Saunders. You've had such a good sleep. [_She
kisses his forehead gently._]
SAUNDERS.
Oh, that's just like my ma! Where are the others?
GWENDOLINE.
[_Arranging his curls upon his forehead._] I'll take you to them.
SAUNDERS.
Thank you. What's your name?
GWENDOLINE.
Gwendoline.
SAUNDERS.
Gwen's short for that, isn't it? [_Rubbing his eyes with his fists, then
offering her his arm._] Permit me, Gwen. [_They go out. Queckett, his
hair disarranged, his appearance generally wild, immediately enters,
followed by Jane and Tyler._]
QUECKETT.
I can't help it! I am in the hands of fate. Arrange the table. I cannot
help it! [_Tyler and Jane proceed to arrange the table and the seats for
supper. Peggy enters quietly._]
PEGGY.
It is supper time. Oh, what's the matter, Uncle Vere?
QUECKETT.
Well, in the first place, there are no oysters.
PEGGY.
I've seen them!
QUECKETT.
I've gone further--I've tasted them.
PEGGY.
Bad!
QUECKETT.
Well, I should describe them as Inland oysters. A long time since they
had a fortnight at the seaside.
PEGGY.
Oh, dear! Then we must fall back on the lark pudding.
QUECKETT.
You'll injure yourself seriously if you do.
PEGGY.
Tell me everything. It has not come small?
QUECKETT.
It has come ridiculously small.
PEGGY.
It was ordered for eight persons.
QUECKETT.
Then it is architecturally disproportionate.
PEGGY.
[_To herself._] Something must be done. [_She runs to the writing-table
and begins to write rapidly on three half sheets of paper, folding
each into a three-cornered note as she finishes it._] The girls must
be warned. [_ Writing._] "For goodness' sake, don't taste the pudding."
Poor girls--what an end to a happy day! [_To himself._] Oh, if the
members of my family could see me at this moment! I, whose suppers in
the Albany were at one time a proverb! Oh, Caroline, Caroline, even you
little know the sacrifice I have made for you!
PEGGY.
[_To Queckett, handing him the notes._] Quick, please, quick--give them
these notes.
QUECKETT.
[_Taking the notes._] What for?
PEGGY.
Oh, don't ask; you will see the result.
QUECKETT.
But you mustn't write to people you--!
PEGGY.
[_Angrily._] Go away! [_He hurries out. Peggy wipes her eyes. _]
JANE.
Oh, don't be upset, Miss!
PEGGY.
No, I won't, I won't. But I am only a girl, and the responsibility
is very great for such young shoulders. [_There is a murmur of voices
outside. Jane and Tyler go out as Rankling enters with Ermyntrude,
followed by Reggie with Dinah. Reginald is endeavouring to keep her away
from Mallory, who comes after them. Saunders and Gwendoline follow
next, and Queckett brings up the rear. There is much talking as Queckett
indicates the seats they are to occupy._]
PEGGY.
[_Quietly to Queckett._] Did you give the girls the notes?
QUECKETT.
[_Surprised. _] No.
PEGGY.
Oh! Never mind--I'll whisper to them now. [_She whispers hurriedly to
Dinah, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude._]
QUECKETT.
[_To himself._] didn't understand they were for the girls. [_He goes to
the head of the table as Rankling, Mallory, and Saunders come suddenly
together, each carrying a note._]
RANKLING.
[_To Mallory._] Mallory, we were right--there is some horrible mystery
about Queckett. [_Looking to see they are not observed._] I've had an
anonymous warning. "For heaven's sake, don't touch the pud--pudding."
MALLORY.
I know.
RANKLING.
Tell the boy. [_To Saunders._]
MALLORY.
I say--don't you say yes to Saunders.
MALLORY.
I know. Tell the old gentleman. [_To Saunders._] He knows. [_To
Rankling._] He knows. [_ With a simultaneous gesture they pocket the
notes and go to find their seats at table. They all sit. The lobster
salad and the pâté have been placed by Tyler at the end of the table.
Tyler now enters carrying nine large plates which he places before
Queckett._]
QUECKETT.
[_ With assumed composure and good spirits. _] There is a spontaneity
about our jolly little supper which will perhaps, ah'm! atone for any
absence of elaboration.
RANKLING.
Don't name it, Mr. Queckett.
MALLORY.
Just as it should be, my dear fellow. [_Tyler goes out._]
QUECKETT.
The language of the heart is simplicity. Our little supper is from the
heart.
MALLORY.
Ah, I shall never forget your little suppers in the Albany--where were
they from?
QUECKETT.
Gunters', Jack. [_With a groan._] Oh! [_ Jane, at the door, hands to
Tyler a very small pudding in a silver basin, which he places before
Queckett._]
RANKLING, MALLORY, AND SAUNDERS.
[_To themselves._] The pudding! [_They exhibit great eagerness to get a
view of the pudding. _]
PEGGY.
[_Behind Mallory's bach._] Oh, how shameful it looks!
QUECKETT.
[_Falteringly._] Here is a homely little dish which has fascinations
for many, though I never touch it myself--I never touch it myself.
[_Rankling, Mallory and Saunders exchange significant looks._] Ah'm! A
pudding made of larks. [_He glances round, all look down, there is deep
silence._] A pudding--made--of larks. [_To Dinah._] My dear--a very
little?
DINAH.
No, thank you, Uncle.
QUECKETT.
Perhaps you're right. Gwendoline, a suggestion?
GWENDOLINE.
No, thank you, Uncle.
QUECKETT.
[_To Peggy._] Margaret, I know what your digestion is--I won't tempt
you. [_To Ermyntrude._] Ermyntrude--the least in the world?
ERMYNTRUDE.
No, thank you, Uncle.
QUECKETT.
[_To himself._] Ah! How lucky!
PEGGY.
[_To herself!_] Brave girls; I was afraid they'd falter.
QUECKETT.
[_Heartily.'_] Now then--Admiral Rankling?
RANKLING.
No, thank you. No pudding? I haven't long dined, thank you, Queckett.
QUECKETT.
[_ To Reginald--coldly._] May I?
REGINALD.
[_Distantly.'_] I never eat suppers, thank you.
QUECKETT.
[_To Saunders._] My dear Mr. Saunders?
SAUNDERS.
No, Mr. Queckett, thank you.
QUECKETT.
[_Getting desperate--to Mallory._] Jack--a lark?
MALLORY.
No, thanks, old fellow.
QUECKETT.
Well, I--[_Throwing down his knife and spoon, and leaning back in his
chair. To Tyler._] Take it away! [_Tyler removes the pudding; they all
watch its going._]
TYLER.
[_Handing it to Jane._] Keep it warm, Jane.
JACK.
A lobster salad and a small pâté de foie gras are at your end of the
table.
MALLORY.
[_Looking round.'_] May I? [_There is a general reply of "No, thank
you," expressed in symbols by the ladies._]
PEGGY.
[_ To herself _] Poor girls, what sacrifices they make for these men!
MALLORY.
[_ With a plate in his hand._] May I--?
RANKLING, SAUNDERS, AND REGINALD.
[_Together._] No, thank you.
QUECKETT.
[_To himself_] What a supper party! Tyler, the champagne. [_Tyler
fetches a bottle of champagne, and proceeds to open it._]
RANKLING.
[_Behind Ermyntrude and Peggy, to Mallory._] If we see the cork drawn,
shall we risk it?
MALLORY.
[_To Rankling._] Risk it.
RANKLING.
Risk it. [_Reginald has risen from the table and is seen tapping
Saunders upon the shoulder and speaking to him rapidly and excitedly._]
SAUNDERS.
No, I have not! [_Talking together, Reginald and Saunders go out
hurriedly._]
MALLORY.
What's the matter with that charming young fellow now? [_To the table._]
Excuse me. [_He follows them out._]
DINAH.
[_Tearfully to Gwendoline._] Reginald's jealousy gets worse and worse. I
am sure it will cloud our future.
GWENDOLINE.
[_To Dinah._] Mr. Saunders wasn't looking at you, I am positive. The
poor little fellow was stroking my hand. [_Mallory returns with Saunders
and Reginald, who both look excited, and their hair is disarranged._]
REGINALD.
[_To Mallory and Saunders._] I beg your pardon; I may have been
mistaken. I imagined that Mr. Saunders was regarding my wife in a way
which overstepped the borders of ordinary admiration. [_They hastily
shake hands all around and hurry back to their seats. Tyler has poured
out the champagne, and now departs. Admiral Rankling rises. Queckett
taps the table for silence._]
QUECKETT.
Please--please.
RANKLING.
Ah'm!
MALLORY.
[_To himself._] I thought the old gentleman wouldn't resist the
temptation.
RANKLING.
My dear Mr. Queckett, it would ill become an old man--himself the
father of a daughter, nearly, if not quite, of the age of the young
lady opposite me--to lose an opportunity of saying a few words on the
pleasant, the--the extremely pleasant--condition of the British Naval
Forces--ah'm! no--
MALLORY.
[_To himself._] I knew that would happen.
RANKLING.
Pardon me, I have been speaking on other subjects to-night. I should
say, the extremely pleasant occasion which brings us together.
QUECKETT.
Certainly, my dear Rankling, how nice of you!
RANKLING.
Not only am I the commander--the father--of a ship--of a daughter whom
it is my ambition to see happily wedded to the man of her choice--
PEGGY.
Hear, hear!
QUECKETT.
[_In an undertone, glaring at her._] You vexing girl.
RANKLING.
But I am also the husband of a heavily plated cruiser--er--um--h'm! of a
dear lady to whose affection and society I owe the greatest happiness of
my life.
PEGGY.
[_To herself._] How different some gentlemen are when their wives are
not present.
RANKLING.
If I have the regret of knowing that my acquaintance with Mrs.--Mrs.--
PEGGY.
Parkinson.
RANKLING.
Thank you, I know--Parkinson--has begun only to-night, I have also the
pleasure of inaugurating a friendship with that delightful young lady,
which on my side shall be little less than paternal. I--I--I--
MALLORY.
Oh, gracious!
RANKLING.
I--I cannot sit down--
MALLORY.
[_ Wearily._] Why not!
RANKLING.
I will not sit down without adding a word of congratulation to Mr.--Mr.
--
PEGGY.
Parkinson.
RANKLING.
Thank you, I know--Parkinson--the young gentleman whose ingenious
construction and seagoing qualities--
MALLORY.
No--no.
RANKLING.
Er--um--whose amiability and genial demeanour have so favourably
impressed us. As an old married man I welcome this recruit to the
service.
PEGGY.
Hear, hear.
RANKLING.
It is one of hardship and danger--of stiff breezes and dismal night
watches. But it is because Englishmen never know when they are beaten--
MALLORY.
No, no.
RANKLING.
Yes, sir--it is because Englishmen never know when they are beaten that
they occasionally find conjugal happiness. I ask you all to drink to the
Navy--to Mr. and Mrs.--thank you, I know--Jenkinson.
[_All except Dinah and Reginald rise and drink the toast "Mr. and Mrs.
Parkinson," then as they resume their seats, Reginald rises sulkily._]
REGINALD.
Admiral Rankling.
[_Jane appears at the door, wildly beckoning to Queckett._]
JANE.
[_In a whisper._] Sir--Sir--!
QUECKETT.
[_Angrily._] Not now--not now--go away.
THE GIRLS.
Hush! [_The Girls motion Jane away; she retires._]
QUECKETT.
[_To Reginald._] I beg pardon.
REGINALD.
All I have to say is that the highest estimation Admiral Rankling can
form of me will not do justice to my devotion to my wife.
PEGGY.
[_Sotto voce._] Oh, beautiful!
REGINALD.
[_Fiercely._] And I should like to know the individual, old or young,
who would take my wife from me!
MALLORY.
[_To himself _] Many a husband would like to know that person.
REGINALD.
In conclusion--as for Admiral Rankling's offer of a paternal friendship,
I trust he will remember that offer if ever we should have occasion to
remind him of it. [_Looking at his watch._] And now I regret to say--[_
The girls rise, the men follow. _]
PEGGY.
No, no--not before we have danced one quadrille.
GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.
Oh, yes--oh, yes! A quadrille!
PEGGY.
Uncle Vere will play for us.
QUECKETT.
No, Uncle Vere will not!
MALLORY.
Oh, yes, you will, Queckett, old fellow, eh?
QUECKETT.
Well--I--with pleasure, Jack. [_To himself!_] How dare they!
PEGGY.
Clear the floor! [_Saunders and Mallory, assisted by Ermyntrude and
Gwendoline, put back the table and chairs._]
RANKLING.
[_Getting very good humoured._] Upon my soul, I never saw such girls
in my life! I wonder whether my Dinah is anything like 'em! [_Dinah and
Reginald are having a violent altercation._]
DINAH.
A wife shouldn't dance with her husband--it is horrible form!
REGINALD.
I can't see you led out by a stranger.
DINAH.
It is merely a quadrille.
REGINALD.
Merely a quadrille! Woman, do you think I am marble?
DINAH.
[_Distractedly, turning to Rankling._] Admiral Rankling, are you going
to dance?
RANKLING.
[_Gallantly._] If you do me the honour, my dear Madam. [_She takes his
arm._]
REGINALD.
[_Madly, to Dinah._] Ah, flirt!
QUECKETT.
[_To Peggy._] Get rid of them soon, or I shall become a gibbering idiot!
MALLORY.
[_Slapping Queckett on the back._] Now, then, Queckett. [_Queckett goes
to the piano. To Peggy._] Will you make me happy, dear Miss Peggy?
PEGGY.
Thank you, Mr. Mallory, I never dance. [_Taking his arm._] But I don't
mind this once. Uncle!
QUECKETT.
[_To himself._] I wash my hands of the entire party! [_He plays the
first figure of a quadrille, while they dance--Rankling and Dinah,
Saunders and Gwendoline, Mallory and Peggy, Ermyntrude and Reginald.
They dance with brightness and animation, but whenever Reginald
encounters Dinah there is a violent altercation. As the figure ends Jane
enters again, and runs to Queckett at the piano. _]
QUECKETT.
What is it?
JANE.
Oh, sir, do come down-stairs--as far down as you can get.
QUECKETT.
What do you mean?
JANE.
That boy, Tyler, sir!
QUECKETT.
Tyler--well?
JANE.
He went off bang in the kitchen, sir, about ten minutes ago. Them
fireworks!
QUECKETT.
Fireworks! Where is he?
JANE.
Gone for the engines, sir.
QUECKETT.
[_Rising._] The engines!
ERMYNTRUDE.
Uncle!
GWENDOLINE.
Uncle Vere!
PEGGY.
Now then, Uncle!
QUECKETT.
Excuse me--let somebody take my place at the piano. I--I'll be back in a
moment! [_Jane hurries out, he following her._]
PEGGY.
[_Running to the piano and commencing a waltz.'_] A waltz! Change
partners! [_Rankling dances with Ermyntrude, Saunders with Gwendoline.
Reginald is left out, but is wildly following Dinah, who is dancing with
Mallory._]
RANKLING.
[_Puffing._] Not so fast, Miss Griffin--not so fast.
REGINALD.
[_Dinah's ear._] I shall require some explanation, Madam.
DINAH.
Oh, Reginald! [_There is the sound of a prolonged knocking at the street
door, followed by a bell ringing violently._]
PEGGY.
[_Playing._] Somebody wants to come in, evidently. [_Suddenly the music
and the dancing stop and everybody listens; then they all run to the
windows and look out._]
RANKLING.
What's that?
MALLORY.
What's wrong?
SAUNDERS.
Oh, look there!
PEGGY.
Oh, there's such a crowd at our house! [_Queckett re-enters with Jane,
who sinks into a chair. Queckett looks very pale and frightened._]
QUECKETT.
Listen to me, please.
ALL.
What's the matter?
QUECKETT.
Don't be alarmed. Look at me. Imitate my self-possession.
ALL.
What is the matter?
QUECKETT.
The matter? The weather is so unfavourable that the boy Tyler has been
compelled to display fireworks on the premises.
THE GIRLS. THE MEN.
Oh! What has happened?
QUECKETT.
Pray don't be disturbed. There is not the slightest occasion for alarm.
We have now the choice of one alternative.
RANKLING AND MALLORY.
What's that?
QUECKETT.
To get out without unnecessary delay.
THE GIRLS.
[_Clustering together._] Oh!
RANKLING.
[_Assuming the tone of a commander._] Mr. Mallory! Mr. Saunders!
MALLORY.
Yes, sir.
SAUNDERS.
Yes, sir. [_Mallory and Saunders place themselves beside Rankling._]
RANKLING.
Ladies, fetch your cloaks and wraps preparatory to breaking up our
pleasant little party. Who volunteers to assist the ladies?
MALLORY.
I, sir!
SAUNDERS.
I, sir!
REGINALD.
I do!
QUECKETT.
I do!
RANKLING.
Mr. Mallory, tell off Mr. Queckett and Mr. Jenkinson to help the ladies.
[_The girls run out, followed by Reginald, Queckett, and Jane._]
RANKLING.
Mr. Mallory! Mr. Saunders!
MALLORY AND SAUNDERS.
Yes, sir.
RANKLING.
Our respective coats. [_They bustle about to get their coats as the door
quietly opens and Jaffray, a fireman, appears._]
JAFFRAY.
Good evening, gentlemen. Can you tell me where I'll find the ladies?
MALLORY.
They're putting on their hats and cloaks.
JAFFRAY.
Thank you, gentlemen, I'm much obliged to you. [_He goes to the window,
pulls up the blind, and throws the window open, the top of a ladder is
seen against the balcony._] Are you coming up, Mr. Goff?
GOFF.
[_Out of sight._] Yes, Mr. Jaffray. [_Goff, a middle-aged,
jolly-looking fireman, enters by the balcony and the window. _]
JAFFRAY.
Gentlemen, Mr. Goff--one of the oldest and most respected members of the
Brigade. Mr. Goff tells some most interesting stories, gentlemen.
RANKLING.
[_Impatiently._] Stories, sir! Call the ladies, Mr. Mallory. [_Mallory
goes out._]
GOFF.
I shouldn't hurry them, sir--ladies like to take their time. Now I
remember an instance in October, '78--
RANKLING.
Confound it, sir, you're not going to relate anecdotes now!
JAFFRAY.
I beg your pardon, sir, Mr. Goff is one of the most experienced and
entertaining members of the Brigade.
RANKLING.
I tell you I don't care about that just now! Where are the ladies?
[_Saunders goes out._]
JAFFRAY.
Excuse me sir, Mr. Goff's reminiscences are well worth hearing while you
wait.
RANKLING.
But I don't wish to wait! [_Mallory and Peggy, Saunders and Gwendoline,
Reginald and Dinah, followed by Jane, enter. The girls are hastily
attired in all sorts of odd apparel and carrying bonnet-boxes, parcels,
and small hand-bags. Ermyntrude carries, amongst other things, a cage
of white mice, Gwendoline a bird in a cage, and Dinah a black cat, and
Peggy a pair of skates and a brush and comb._]
THE GIRLS.
We're ready. Take us away!
JAFFRAY.
I must really ask you, ladies and gentlemen, to take it quietly for a
few minutes.
ALL.
Take it quietly! What for?
JAFFRAY.
The staircase isn't just the thing for ladies and gentlemen at the
present moment. I shall have to ask the ladies and gentlemen to use the
Escape.
ALL.
[_Turning to the window._] The Escape! is it? Where?
JAFFRAY.
It'll be here in two minutes. In the meantime, I think Mr. Goff could
wile away the time very pleasantly with a reminiscence or two. Ladies,
Mr. Goff--
THE GIRLS.
Oh, take us away! Take us away! [_Mallory, Saunders, and Reginald soothe
the ladies, Jaffray goes to the window and looks out._]
GOFF.
[_Pleasantly seating himself and taking off his helmet._] Well, ladies,
I don't know that I can tell you much to amuse you--however--
RANKLING.
Be quiet, sir--we will not be entertained!
JAFFRAY.
[_Carrying a hose from the window to the door. _] Really, gentlemen,
I must say I've never heard Mr. Goff treated so hasty at any
conflagration. [_He carries the hose out._]
RANKLING.
A fireman full of anecdote! I decline to appreciate any reminiscence
whatever. So do we all!
REGINALD.
Certainly!
MALLORY.
All of us!
GOFF.
It was in July, '79, ladies--my wife had just brought my tea to the
Chandos Street Station--[_Jaffray re-enters and goes to the window._]
MALLORY.
Will you be silent, sir?
REGINALD.
Get up and do something!
SAUNDERS.
Go away!
JAFFRAY.
The Escape, ladies and gentlemen--that window--one at a time. [_There is
a general movement and hubbub. Goff rises, he and Jaffray disappear
by the window on the left. Mallory throws open the other window, and
Jaffray appears outside and receives Dinah, Gwendoline, Ermyntrude,
Peggy, and Jane as they escape._]
RANKLING.
Mr. Mallory--Mr. Saunders--good evening! [_Reginald disappears by the
right-hand window. Saunders goes after him, Mallory is about to follow
when Queckett enters hurriedly. Queckett is in a tall hat, a short
covert coat, and carries gloves and an umbrella. He is flourishing a
letter._]
QUECKETT.
[_Pulling Mallory back._] Jack--Jack!
MALLORY.
Hallo!
QUECKETT.
I'm going back to save some valuables. Directly you get down post that
letter. Oh, Jack, it's so important.
MALLORY.
[_Looking at the letter._] To the Eagle Fire Insurance Company.
QUECKETT.
Quite so--slipped my memory. [_Mallory disappears. Jaffray follows him.
_]
RANKLING.
[_Hurrying to Queckett._] My dear Queckett, it is the commander's duty
to be the last to leave the ship--you are master here. Thank you for
your hospitality. Good-night.
QUECKETT.
My dear Rankling, thank you for coming to see me. Good-night. [_Jaffray
appears at the window._]
JAFFRAY.
It's all right, gentlemen--there's a kind lady down below who is taking
everybody into her house for the night--Mrs. Rankling of Portland Place.
RANKLING.
Mrs. Rankling--that's my wife! [_Queckett disappears._]
JAFFRAY.
Is she, sir? Glad to hear it. Then they are all your visitors till
to-morrow.
RANKLING.
Confound it, sir, where do I live?
JAFFRAY.
Just at the corner here, sir--a hundred yards off.
RANKLING.
Then where am I now?
JAFFRAY.
Miss Dyott's boarding school, sir--Volumnia College.
RANKLING.
What! [_He and Jaffray go out by the window on the right as Goff enters
by the window on the left._]
GOFF.
Where is he? [_Calling at the door._]Sir, here's the lady of the
house--rode up on an engine from Piccadilly--make haste--she says she
will come up the ladder. [_Queckett enters quickly, dragging after him
several boxes of cigars. _]
QUECKETT.
A lady! What lady? [_Miss Dyott appears at the window. She is in
the gorgeous dress of an opera-bouffe Queen, with a flaxen wig much
disarranged and a crown on one side. Recoiling. _] Caroline!
MISS DYOTT.
[_Entering and taking him by the collar._] Come down! [_She drags him
towards the window._]
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
THE THIRD ACT
_The scene is a well-furnished, tastefully decorated morning-room in the
house of Admiral Rankling. At the further end of the room there are
two double doors facing each other, one with glazed panels opening to a
conservatory, the other to a dark room. There are also two doors near to
the pillars that support an archway spanning the room. All is darkness
save for a faint glow from the fire, and a blue light coming through the
conservatory windows._
_Peggy, dressed as before, enters quietly, looking about her._
PEGGY.
[_In a whisper._] Where have I got to now, I wonder? What a dreadful
wilderness of a house to wander about in, in the dark, all alone.
Oh, for the daylight! [_Looking at her watch._] Half-past six. Why,
gracious! here's a spark of fire! Oh, joy! [_She goes down on her knees,
and replenishes the fire with coal from the scuttle. The door opens, and
Gwendoline peeps in._]
GWENDOLINE.
[_In a whisper._] What room is this? [_Entering noiselessly._] Will the
day never break? [_Frightened, and retreating as Peggy makes a noise
blowing up the fire._] Oh!
PEGGY.
[_Frightened._] Oh! Who is that? [_Looking around._] Gwendoline!
GWENDOLINE.
Peggy!
PEGGY.
Are you wandering about too?
GWENDOLINE.
Yes. I can't sleep--can you?
PEGGY.
[_Shivering._] Sleep? no. As if I could sleep in a strange bed in a
strange house, in one of Admiral Rankling's night-gowns. You didn't
meet any daylight on the stairs, did you? [_Another door opens, and
Ermyntrude enters noiselessly._]
GWENDOLINE.
[_Clinging to Peggy._] Oh, look there!
ERMYNTRUDE.
[_In a whisper._] I wonder where I am now.
PEGGY.
Ermyntrude!
ERMYNTRUDE.
[_Clinging to a chair._] Ah!
PEGGY.
Be quiet! It's we--it's us--it's her and me! Oh, my grammar's going now!
ERMYNTRUDE.
Can't you girls get to sleep?
GWENDOLINE.
I should think not.
PEGGY.
There wasn't any daylight in your room when you came down, was there?
ERMYNTRUDE.
I thought I saw a glimmer through the window on the first floor landing.
PEGGY.
Ah, perhaps that's some of yesterday's. I know! I've made up the fire;
let us bivouac here till daybreak. Two by the fire, and take it in turns
for the sofa. [_Picking up a bearskin rug and carrying it to the sofa._]
Who's first for the sofa?
GWENDOLINE.
Ermyntrude.
ERMYNTRUDE.
Gwendoline.
PEGGY.
Come along, Gwendoline. [_Gwendoline puts herself upon the sofa, and
Peggy covers her with the bearskin._] There--as soon as you drop
off to sleep it will be Ermyntrude's turn. [_Looking through the
conservatory doors._] Oh, how the snow is coming down! [_Joining
Ermyntrude, who is warming her hands by the fire. She sits in an
arm-chair._]
ERMYNTRUDE.
Peggy--do you know what has become of poor Dinah?
PEGGY.
Yes, she's locked up up-stairs till the morning. Admiral Rankling locked
her up.
GWENDOLINE.
[_From the sofa._] It's a shame!
PEGGY.
Go to sleep! Oh, what a scene there was! Admiral Rankling foamed at the
mouth. It was lucky they got Mr. Queckett away from him in time.
GWENDOLINE.
[_Sleepily._] Where is Mr. Queckett?
PEGGY.
Go to sleep.
ERMYNTRUDE.
[_Leaning against Peggy's knees._] Mr. Queckett is locked up too, isn't
he?
PEGGY.
Of course he is--till the morning. Miss Dyott locked him up--very
properly I think.
ERMYNTRUDE.
And where's Miss Dyott?
PEGGY.
Up-stairs, in the room next to mine, in hysterics. Hush! I do believe
Gwendoline has gone off. Are you pretty comfortable?
ERMYNTRUDE.
[_Her head on Peggy's lap--sleepily._] Yes, thank you.
PEGGY.
[_ Wearily._] Oh! [_The door quietly opens, and Saunders appears. Peggy
and Ermyntrude are hidden from him by the armchair._]
SAUNDERS.
[_Sleepily._] I can't sleep in my room. Where have they put Uncle Jack,
I wonder? [_Seeing Gwendoline, who is sleeping, with the light from the
conservatory windows upon her._] Oh--what's that? [_Going softly up to
Gwendoline, and looking at her._] Why, here's my Gwen. I wonder if
she'd mind my sitting near her. [_Turning up his coat collar and
sitting gently on the footstool, he leans against the head of the sofa
drowsily._] Now if any robbers wanted to hurt Gwen, I could kill them.
[_Closing his eyes wearily._] Oh! [_Soon there is a sound of heavy
regular breathing from the four sleeping figures. The door opens, and
Mallory enters._]
MALLORY.
[_Shivering._] Can't get a blessed wink of sleep. Where have I
wandered to? Why, this is the room where the awful row was. [_Seeing
Gwendoline._] Hallo, here's one of those schoolgirls--[_discovering
Saunders_] and--well, this nephew of mine is a devil of a fellow! That
isn't a glimmer of fire, surely. [_ Walking towards the fireplace he
nearly stumbles over Ermyntrude._] More girls! [_He accidentally knocks
over the scuttle. They all wake with a start._]
PEGGY AND ERMYNTRUDE.
What's that?
GWENDOLINE AND SAUNDERS.
Who is it?
MALLORY.
Hush, don't be frightened! It's only I.
PEGGY.
Mr. Mallory.
MALLORY.
I've been wandering about--can't sleep.
PEGGY.
No--we can't sleep either.
MALLORY.
Well, I don't know about that. [_Ermyntrude lights the candle on
mantelpiece._]
PEGGY.
Why haven't you and Mr. Saunders gone home? You're not burnt out.
MALLORY.
Perhaps not; but Admiral Rankling asked me to remain, and, if he hadn't,
I'm not going to leave this house till my friend Queckett is out of
danger.
PEGGY.
Out of danger.
MALLORY.
Yes. Are you aware that you young ladies have brought very grave
difficulties upon that unfortunate gentleman?
PEGGY.
[_Crying._] He encouraged us! He's a man!
MALLORY.
Now, pray don't cry, my dear Miss--what is your name this morning?
PEGGY.
Hesslerigge, and I wish I'd never been born!
MALLORY.
Hesslerigge and you wish you'd never been born. [_ Taking her hand._]
Well, Miss Hesslerigge, the serious aspect of the affair is that Admiral
Rankling has a most violent, ungovernable temper.
PEGGY.
[_Tearfully._] I know. I've never seen a gentleman foam at the mouth
before. It's quite a new experience.
MALLORY.
[_Soothingly._] Of course--of course--and therefore I'm apprehensive
for poor Mr. Queckett's bodily safety. Meanwhile I won't disturb you any
longer; come along, Saunders.
PEGGY.
Where are you going?
MALLORY.
To the front door--to speak a word or two of encouragement to that young
fellow, Paulover.
PEGGY.
Oh, is he outside still? In the snow!
MALLORY.
Why, he has been walking up and down on the other side of the way all
night.
PEGGY.
[_Indignantly._] And you haven't let him in!
MALLORY.
How could I! You forget that our host has forbidden him the house.
PEGGY.
No, I don't; I saw them roll out into the road together. Girls, shall we
open the front door or shall we remain the mere slaves of etiquette?
GWENDOLINE.
I should like to let him in.
ERMYNTRUDE.
Certainly--why not?
SAUNDERS.
Come along--I know the way. [_Saunders, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude go
out quietly._]
MALLORY.
[_To Peggy._] Well, you'll perhaps pardon my saying that you are a
devil-may-care little schoolgirl!
PEGGY.
You make a great mistake. I am not a schoolgirl; I am struggling to be a
governess.
MALLORY.
Ah, I hope you'll make your way in your profession. [_Peggy has
discovered the spirit-stand on the sideboard and now places it on the
table. _]
MALLORY.
What are you going to do now?
PEGGY.
Brew poor Mr. Paulover something hot. [_Bringing the kettle and spirit
lamp to the table_] Light this lamp for me, please. [_He lights the
lamp._] If you can recommend me at any time to a lady with young
daughters I shall be grateful.
MALLORY.
I will--I will.
PEGGY.
I think I am almost capable of finishing any young lady now.
MALLORY.
I am sure you are. [_Looking at the spirit lamp._] Is that alight?
[_They put their heads down close together to look at the lighted
lamp._] That's all right.
PEGGY.
Seems so. [_They rise and look at one another._]
MALLORY.
We'd better watch it, perhaps, in case it goes out. [_ They bob down
again with their heads together and both sit on the same chair._] You'll
get into an awful scrape over your share in last night's business, won't
you?
PEGGY.
Frightful; the thought depresses me.
MALLORY.
Do you think Miss Dyott, or Mrs. Queckett, or whatever she is, will send
you home?
PEGGY.
She can't--she's got me for ever. She took me, years ago, for a bad
debt.
MALLORY.
How can she punish you then?
PEGGY.
I think she will withdraw her confidence from me.
MALLORY.
You won't despair, will you?
PEGGY.
I'll try not to.
MALLORY.
What a jolly little sailor's wife you'd make--brewing grog like this.
PEGGY.
I hope I should do my duty in any station of life to which I might be
called.
MALLORY.
I'm a sailor, you know.
PEGGY.
No--are you?
MALLORY.
[_ Taking her hand and putting it to his lips._] You know I am.
PEGGY.
[_Suddenly._] It's going to boil over! [_They jump up quickly, Mallory
retreats._] Oh, no, it isn't. [_Gwendoline and Ermyntrude enter,
leading Reginald, with Saunders following. Reginald is in a deplorable
condition, covered with snow and icicles, his face is white, and his
nose red._] Oh, poor Mr. Paulover!
SAUNDERS.
He's frost-bitten!
PEGGY.
Thaw him by degrees. [_Peggy mixes the grog. Gwendoline and Ermyntrude
lead Reginald to a chair before the fire, he uttering some violent but
incoherent exclamations._]
ERMYNTRUDE.
He's annoyed with Admiral Rankling. [_The girls chafe his hands while he
still mutters, with his eyes rolling._]
PEGGY.
It's a good job his language is frozen. [_Putting the glass of grog to
his lips._]
REGINALD.
[_Reviving._] Thank you. Take my hat off, please--I bought it from
a cabman. [_Gwendoline removes his hat, which is very shabby._] Good
morning! Where's my wife Dinah?
PEGGY.
She's quite safe.
REGINALD.
I must see her--speak to her!
PEGGY.
You can't--she's locked up.
REGINALD.
Then I must push a long letter under her door. She must, she shall,
know that I am going to walk up and down outside this house all my life.
[_Faintly._] Bring writing materials!
MALLORY.
I'll hunt for the pen and ink.
SAUNDERS.
So will I.
REGINALD.
[_To Peggy._] No--no--you do it. These men are bachelors--they can't
feel for me!
MALLORY.
Here's a writing-table. [_Peggy runs to Mallory and opens the lid of the
writing-table. _]
PEGGY.
Note paper and envelopes--where's the--[_opening one of the small
drawers--she starts back with a cry._] Oh! [_They all turn and look at
her._]
ALL.
What's the matter?
PEGGY.
[_Taking from the drawer a large bunch of keys, each with a small label,
which she examines breathlessly._] Duplicate keys of all the rooms in
the house! What gross carelessness--to leave keys in an open drawer!
Girls, why should not we impress this fact upon Admiral Rankling by
releasing Dinah immediately?
GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.
Oh, yes, yes.
REGINALD.
[_Seizing Peggy's hand._] Oh, Miss Hesslerigge, my father-in-law is
entertaining an angel unawares.
MALLORY.
Oh, stop, stop, stop--I don't think we're quite justified--
REGINALD.
[_Scornfully._] Hah, I told you he was merely a bachelor! [_Pointing to
Saunders._] So is his companion. Give me the keys?
PEGGY.
No--no--I take the responsibility of this. I am a girl! [_ Going towards
the door, and looking at Mallory and Saunders as they make way for her.
_] I hope you will repent your line of conduct, gentlemen. [_She goes
out._]
MALLORY.
I think we all shall. [_There is a sudden noise, as of some one falling
down a couple of stairs. They start and listen._]
GIRLS.
Oh!
MALLORY.
What's that?
ERMYNTRUDE.
[_Looking out at door.'_] Here's Admiral Rankling! [_There is a
suppressed exclamation with a silent scamper to the further end of the
room._]
MALLORY.
[_Indignantly._] What the deuce does a respectable man want out of bed
at this unearthly hour?
RANKLING.
[_In a rage, outside the door._] Confound that!
GIRLS.
Oh!
REGINALD.
[_Opening the door leading to the dark room._] Here's a room here. Shall
we condescend to hide?
ALL.
Yes. [_They disappear hastily as Rankling appears in a dressing-gown,
his face pale and his eyes red and wild._]
RANKLING.
Hallo! Some one has been sitting up--candles--and a fire. Ah! [_Sniffing
and walking about the room, he goes straight to the mantelpiece upon
which Reginald's grog has been left and takes up the tumbler._] It's
Mallory. [_ With suppressed passion._] It's against the rules for
anybody to sit up in my house!
[_Calmly._] But I don't mind Mallory--I don't--[_Looking at sofa._]
Hallo--Mallory has been turning in here. [_Going to the sofa and
sitting there shaking with anger._] Are we never going to have any
more daylight? How long am I to wait till that miserable schoolmistress
releases the worm Queckett! Queckett! Uncle Vere! The reptile who has
made a fool of me in the eyes of my wife and daughter! Ugh! But I must
husband my strength for Queckett. I have been a very careful man all my
life; as far as muscular economy goes, Queckett shall have the savings
of a lifetime. [_Lying down and pulling the rug over him._] Uncle Vere!
Ah--I was a wild, impetuous, daring lad once--[_going to sleep_] and
I can be unpleasant even now. I can! The Admiralty doesn't know it--Emma
doesn't know it--Queckett shall know it. [_He breathes heavily. The
others have been peeping from their hiding place, and as they close
the door, Peggy enters alone, quickly but silently. She looks for
the others, then almost falls over Rankling on the sofa, at which she
retreats with a suppressed screech of horror. Mallory opens the further
door and gesticulates to her violently to be silent._]
PEGGY.
[_Petrified._] Oh, my goodness gracious! [_Mallory comes and bends over
Rankling, listening to his breathing; he then goes to Peggy._]
MALLORY.
He's dropped off. Where is Mrs. Paulover?
PEGGY.
She's not on that side of the house.
MALLORY.
I've a plan for disposing of the old gentleman. Try the other side.
PEGGY.
I'm going to. [_Turning and clutching Mallory._] But, oh, Mr. Mallory,
what do you think I've done?
MALLORY.
That's impossible to conjecture.
PEGGY.
I've made a mistake about the doors and--I have unlocked Mr. Queckett!
[_She goes out quickly, Mallory thinks for a moment, then bursts into a
fit of silent laughter._]
MALLORY.
I love that girl! [_Reginald appears at the further door,
gesticulating._]
REGINALD.
[_In a hoarse whisper. _] Where is my wife? I cannot live longer without
her! Where is Dinah?
MALLORY.
Hush! She'll be here in a minute. Come out of there and lend me a hand.
[_Saunders, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude enter on tiptoe. To Reginald._]
Now then--gently. [_Mallory and Reginald each take an end of the sofa
and carry Rankling out through the door into the dark room._]
GWENDOLINE.
[_Breathlessly._] If they bump him, all's lost! [_Mallory and Reginald
re-appear._]
REGINALD.
I feel warmer now.
MALLORY.
Turn the key. Reginald turns the key as Dinah and Peggy enter
cautiously.
GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.
Dinah!
DINAH.
Reggie!
REGINALD.
My wife! [_Reginald rushes down to Dinah and embraces her frantically.
There is a general cry of relief as Mallory embraces Peggy, and
Gwendoline throws her arms round Saunders. Suddenly there is the
sound of some one stumbling downstairs, accompanied by a smothered
exclamation._]
ALL.
[_Listening._] What's that?
ERMYNTRUDE.
[_Peeping out at the door._] Here's Uncle Vere got loose. He has fallen
downstairs.
REGINALD.
Oh, bother! Come along, Dinah. [_Reginald and Dinah, Saunders,
Ermyntrude, and Gwendoline go out quickly._]
PEGGY.
[_To Mallory._] Rather bad taste of your nephew and those girls to run
after a newly-married couple, isn't it?
MALLORY.
Yes; we won't do it.
PEGGY.
No; but we don't want to be bothered with your old friend, Queckett, do
we?
MALLORY.
No--he's an awful bore.
PEGGY.
Is the conservatory heated? [_Taking his arm._] I don't mind if it
isn't. [_They disappear into the conservatory. The door opens and
Queckett, his face pale and haggard, enters, still wearing his hat and
the short covert coat over his evening dress, and carrying his gloves
and umbrella._]
QUECKETT.
To whom am I indebted for being let out? Was it by way of treachery, I
wonder? Somebody has been sitting up late, or rising early! Who is
it? [_Sniffing and looking about him, then going straight to the
mantelpiece, taking up the tumbler and smelling the contents._] I am
anxious not to do any one an injustice, but that's Peggy. Oh, what a
night I've passed! I have no hesitation in saying that the extremely bad
behaviour of Caroline--of the lady I have married--and the ungovernable
rage of Rankling, are indelibly impressed upon me. [_Looking round
nervously._] Good gracious! I am actually in the room where Rankling
announced his intention of ultimately dislocating my vertebræ. I shall
certainly not winter in England. [_The clock strikes seven, he looks at
his watch._] Seven. It will be wise to remain here till the first
gleam of daylight, and then leave the house--unostentatiously. I will
exchange no explanations with Caroline. I shall simply lay the whole
circumstance of my injudicious, boyish marriage before my brother Bob
and the other members of my family. Any allowance which Caroline may
make me shall come through them. [_There is a sound of something falling
and breaking outside the room._] The deuce! What's that? [_Going on
tip-toe over to the door, and peeping out._] Somebody has knocked
something over. [_Snatching up his hat, gloves, and umbrella._] I
sha'n't wait till daybreak if they're breaking other things. [_He
hurries to the other door, opens it, looks out, and closes it
quickly.'_] People sitting on the stairs! Is this a plot to surround
me? The conservatory? [_He goes quickly to the conservatory doors, opens
them, then draws back closing them quickly._] Two persons under a palm
tree. [_There is a knock at the door on the rights_] Oh! [_Seeing the
door leading to the dark room._] Where does that lead to? [_He tries the
door, unlocks it and looks in._] A dark room! Oh, I'm so thankful!
[_He disappears, closing the door after him. The knocking outside is
repeated, then the door opens and Miss Dyott enters. She is dressed in
her burlesque queen costume, her face is pale. She carries the head,
broken off at the neck, of a terra-cotta bust of a woman._]
MISS DYOTT.
I have broken a bust now. It is an embarrassing thing to break a bust in
the house of comparative strangers. Oh, will it never be daylight? Does
the milkman never come to Portland Place? I have been listening at
the keyhole of Vere's room--not a sound. He can sleep with the ruin of
Volumnia College upon his conscience while I--[_sinking into a chair.'_]
Ah, I realize now the correctness of the poet's observation--"Uneasy
lies the head that wears a crown!" [_Queckett comes quietly from the
dark room, much terrified'._]
QUECKETT.
Rankling's in there--asleep. In the dark I sat on him. Oh, what a narrow
escape I've had! [_Coming behind Miss Dyott and suddenly seeing her._]
Caroline! Scylla and Charybdis! [_He bolts back into the dark room._]
Miss Dyott. [_Rising alarmed._] What's that? [_Mrs. Rankling enters in a
peignoir._]
MRS. RANKLING.
I heard something fall. [_Seeing Miss Dyott._] Mrs. Queckett!
[_Distantly._] Instructions were given that everybody should be called
at eight. I had arranged that a more appropriate costume should be
placed at your disposal. [_Seeing the broken bust._] Ah, what has
happened?
MISS DYOTT.
I knocked over the pedestal.
MRS. RANKLING.
[_Distressed._] Oh, bust of myself by Belt! I saw him working on it! Oh,
Mrs. Queckett, is there no end of the trouble you have brought upon us?
MISS DYOTT.
The trouble _you_ have brought upon me.
MRS. RANKLING.
What! Why didn't you tell us you had a husband?
MISS DYOTT.
Why didn't you tell me that Dinah had a husband?
MRS. RANKLING.
We didn't know it.
MISS DYOTT.
Well, if you didn't know your own daughter was married how can you
wonder at your ignorance of other people's domestic complications?
MRS. RANKLING.
But that's not all. You have informed us that you are now actually
contributing to a nightly entertainment of a volatile description--that
you are positively being laughed at in public.
MISS DYOTT.
Isn't it better to be laughed at in public, and paid for it, than to be
sniggered at privately for nothing?
MRS. RANKLING.
Mrs. Queckett, you are revealing your true character.
MISS DYOTT.
It is the same as your own--an undervalued wife. Let me open your eyes
as mine are opened. We have engaged to love and to honour two men.
MRS. RANKLING.
_I_ have done nothing of the kind.
MISS DYOTT.
I mean one each.
MRS. RANKLING.
Oh--excuse me.
MISS DYOTT.
Now--looking at him microscopically--is there much to love and to honour
in Admiral Rankling?
MRS. RANKLING.
He is a genial After-dinner Speaker.
MISS DYOTT.
Hah!
MRS. RANKLING.
It is true he is rather austere.
MISS DYOTT.
An austere sailor! All bows abroad, and stern at home. Well,
then--knowing what occurred last night--is there anything to love and to
honour in Mr. Queckett?
MRS. RANKLING.
Nothing whatever.
MISS DYOTT.
[_Annoyed._] And yet he is undoubtedly the superior of Admiral Rankling.
Very well then--do as I mean to do--put your foot down. If heaven
has gifted you with a large one, so much the better. [_The voices of
Queckett and Rankling are heard suddenly raised in the adjoining room._]
RANKLING.
[_ Outside._] Queckett.
QUECKETT.
[_ Outside._] My dear Rankling!
MISS DVOTT.
Vere!
MRS. RANKLING.
The Admiral has released your husband.
RANKLING.
[_In the distance._] I'll trouble you, sir!
QUECKETT.
Certainly, Rankling.
MISS DYOTT
[_To Mrs. Rankling._] Come away, and I will advise you. Bring your head
with you. [_Miss Dyott and Mrs. Rankling carrying the broken bust, hurry
out as Queckett enters quickly, followed by Rankling._]
QUECKETT.
Admiral Rankling, I shall mark my opinion of your behaviour--through the
post.
RANKLING.
Sit down.
QUECKETT.
Thank you--I've been sitting, I sat on you on the sofa.
RANKLING.
Sit down. [_Queckett sits promptly._] As an old friend of your family,
Mr. Queckett, I am going to have a quiet chat with you on family
matters. [_Rankling wheels the arm-chair near Queckett._]
QUECKETT.
[_To himself _] I don't like his calmness--I don't like his calmness.
[_Rankling sits bending forward, and glaring at Queckett._]
RANKLING.
[_Grimly._] How is your sister Janet? Quite well, eh? [_Fiercely._] Tell
me--without a moment's delay, sir--how is Janet?
QUECKETT.
Permit me to say, Admiral Rankling, that whatever your standing with
other members of my family, you have _no_ acquaintance with the lady you
mention.
RANKLING.
Oh, haven't I? [_.Drawing his chair nearer Queckett._] Very well, then.
Is Griffin quite well--Finch-Griffin of the Berkshire Royals?
QUECKETT.
I do not know how Major Griffin is, and I feel I do not care.
RANKLING.
Oh, you don't. Very well, then. [_Drawing his chair still nearer
Queckett._] Will you answer me one simple but important question?
QUECKETT.
If it be a question a gentleman may answer--certainly.
RANKLING.
How often do you hear from your brother Tankerville?
QUECKETT.
Oh!
RANKLING.
[_Clutching Queckett's knee._] He's Deputy Inspector of Prisons in
British Guiana, you know. Doesn't have time to write often, does he?
QUECKETT.
Admiral Rankling, you will permit me to remind you that in families
of long standing and complicated interests there are regrettable
estrangements which should be lightly dealt with. [_Affected._] You have
recalled memories. [_Rising._] Excuse me.
RANKLING.
[_Rising._] No sir, I will not excuse you!
QUECKETT.
Where are my gloves?
RANKLING.
Because, Mr. Queckett, I have your assurance as a gentleman that your
brother Tankerville's daughter is married to a charming young fellow of
the name of Parkinson. Now I've discovered that Parkinson is really a
charming young fellow of the name of Paulover, so that, as Paulover
has married my daughter as well as Tankerville's, Paulover must be
prosecuted for bigamy, and as you knew that Paulover was Parkinson,
and Parkinson Paulover, you connived at the crime, inasmuch as knowing
Paulover was Tankerville's daughter's husband you deliberately aided
Parkinson in making my child Dinah his wife. But that's not the worst of
it!
QUECKETT.
Oh!
RANKLING.
[_Continuing, rapidly and excitedly._] Because I have since received
your gentlemanly assurance that Tankerville's daughter is my daughter.
Now, either you mean to say that I've behaved like a blackguard to
Tankerville--which will be a libel--or that Tankerville has conducted
himself with less than common fairness to me--which will be a divorce.
And, in either case, without wishing to anticipate the law, I shall
personally chastise you, because, although I've been a sailor on the
high seas for five and forty years, I have never during the whole of
that period listened to such a yarn of mendacious fabrications as you
spun me last night!
QUECKETT.
[_Beginning to carefully put on his gloves._] It would be idle to deny
that this affair has now assumed its most unpleasant aspect. Admiral
Rankling--the time has come for candour on both sides.
RANKLING.
Be quick, sir!
QUECKETT.
I am being quick, Rankling. I admit, with all the rapidity of utterance
of which I am capable, that my assurances of last night were founded
upon an airy basis.
RANKLING.
In plain words--lies, Mr. Queckett.
QUECKETT.
A habit of preparing election manifestos for various members of my
family may have impaired a fervent admiration for truth, in which I
yield to no man.
RANKLING.
[_Advancing in a determined manner._] Very well, sir!
QUECKETT.
[_Retreating._] One moment, Rankling. One moment--if not two! I glean
that you are prepared to assault--
RANKLING.
To chastise!
QUECKETT.
Well, to inconvenience a man at whose table you feasted last night. Do
so!
RANKLING.
I will do so!
QUECKETT.
I say, do so. But the triumph, when you kneel upon my body--for I am
bound to tell you that I shall lie down--the triumph will be mine!
RANKLING.
You are welcome to it, sir. Put down that umbrella!
QUECKETT
What for?
RANKLING.
_I_ haven't an umbrella.
QUECKETT.
You haven't? Allow me to leave this room, my dear Rankling, and I'll
beg your acceptance of this one. [_Rankling advances fiercely; Queckett
retreats; Miss Dyott enters._]
QUECKETT.
Caroline!
MISS DYOTT.
Stop, Admiral Rankling, if you please. Any reprimand, physical or
otherwise, will be administered to Mr. Queckett at my hands.
QUECKETT.
[_To himself._] I would have preferred Rankling. Rankling I could have
winded. [_He goes out quickly. Miss Dyott following in pursuit._]
MISS DYOTT.
[_As she goes._] Vere!
RANKLING.
I am in my own house, madam--[_Mrs. Rankling enters, carrying the
broken bust._]
RANKLING.
Emma, go back to bed.
MRS. RANKLING.
Archibald Rankling, attend to me. Don't roll your eyes--but attend to
me.
RANKLING.
Emma, your tone is dictatorial.
MRS. RANKLING.
It is meant to be so, because, after seventeen years of married life, I
am going to speak my mind at last. [_Holding up the head before him._]
Archibald, look at that.
RANKLING.
What's that?
MRS. RANKLING.
Myself--less than ten years ago--the sculptor's earliest effort.
RANKLING.
Broken--made of bad stuff--send it back.
MRS. RANKLING.
It is your memory I wish to send back. Ah, Archibald, do you see how
round and plump those cheeks are?
RANKLING.
People alter. You were stout then.
MRS. RANKLING.
I was.
RANKLING.
In those days I was thin.
MRS. RANKLING.
Frightfully.
RANKLING.
Very well, then--the average remains the same. Some day we may return
to the old arrangement.
MRS. RANKLING.
If you ever find yourself a spare man again, Archibald, it won't be
because I have worried and fretted you with my peevish ill-humour--
RANKLING.
Emma!
MRS. RANKLING.
As you have worried and worn me with yours.
RANKLING.
Emma, you have completely lost your head. [_She raises the broken
bust._] I don't mean that confounded bust. That was an ideal.
MRS. RANKLING.
And if a mere sculptor could make your wife an ideal, why shouldn't you
try? So, understand me finally, Archibald, I will not be ground down any
longer. Unless some arrangement is arrived at for the happiness of dear
Dinah and Mr. Paulover, I leave you.
RANKLING.
Leave me!
MRS. RANKLING.
This very day.
RANKLING.
Wantonly desert your home and husband, Emma?
MRS. RANKLING.
Yes.
RANKLING.
[_With emotion._] And I don't know where to put my hand upon even a
necktie! [_Covering his face with his handkerchief._]
MRS. RANKLING.
All the world shall learn how highly you thought of Dinah's marriage at
Mr. Queckett's party last night.
RANKLING.
[_To himself_] Oh!
MRS. RANKLING.
And what a very different man you have always been in your own home.
[_Beginning to cry._] And take care, Archibald, that the verdict of
posterity is not that you were less a husband and father than a tyrant
and oppressor. [_Queckett enters, with Miss Dyott in pursuit; she
follows him out._]
MISS DYOTT.
[_As she goes._] Vere! [_Rankling blows his nose and wipes his, eyes,
and looks at Mrs. Rankling._]
RANKLING.
[_In a conciliatory tone._] Emma! Emma!
MRS. RANKLING.
[_ Weeping._] Oh, dear, oh, dear!
RANKLING.
Emma. [_Irritably._] Don't tuck your head under your arm in that way!
[_She puts the broken bust on the table._] Emma, there have been grave
faults on both sides. Yours I will endeavour to overlook.
MRS. RANKLING.
Ah, now you are your dear old self again.
RANKLING.
But, Emma, you are occasionally an irritating woman to live with.
MRS. RANKLING.
You are the first who has ever said that.
RANKLING.
So I should hope, Emma.
MRS. RANKLING.
And poor Dinah--you will forgive her?
RANKLING.
On conditions that she doesn't see Paulover's face again for five years.
MRS. RANKLING.
Oh, there will be no difficulty about that. [_Reginald and Dinah enter,
she is dressed for flight._]
DINAH.
Papa!
REGINALD.
My father-in-law! [_They retreat hastily._]
RANKLING.
[_Madly._] Who let you out? Who let you in? [_He goes out after
them--Mrs. Rankling follows._]
MRS. RANKLING.
[_As she goes out._] Archibald! continue your dear old self. [_Queckett
enters by another door, Miss Dyott following him--both out of breath.
They look at each other, recovering themselves?_]
QUECKETT.
I understand that you wish to speak to me, Caroline.
MISS DYOTT.
Oh, you--you paltry little man! You mean ungrateful little creature! You
laced-up little heap of pompous pauperism! You--you--I cannot adequately
describe you. Wretch!
QUECKETT.
[_Putting on his gloves again._] Have you finished with me, Caroline?
Finished with you! I shall never have finished with you! Never till you
leave me!
QUECKETT.
[_Rising._] Till I leave you?
MISS DYOTT.
Till you leave me a widow.
QUECKETT.
[_Resuming his seat, disappointed._] Oh!
MISS DYOTT.
You don't think I expect you to leave me anything else. Oh, what could I
have seen in you!
QUECKETT.
I take it, Caroline, that, in the language of the hunting field, you
"scented" a gentleman.
MISS DYOTT.
Scented a gentleman! In the few weeks of our marriage I have scented you
and cigaretted you, wined you and liqueured you, tailored and hatted and
booted you. I have darned and mended and washed you--gruelled you with a
cold, tinctured you with a toothache, and linimented you with the gout.
[_Fiercely._] Have I not? Have I not?
QUECKETT.
You certainly have had exceptional privileges. Familiarity appears to
have fulfilled its usual functions and bred--
MISS DYOTT.
The most utter contempt. Have I not paid your debts?
QUECKETT.
[_Promptly._] Not at my suggestion.
MISS DYOTT.
And all for what?
QUECKETT.
I assume, for Love's dear sake, Carrie.
MISS DYOTT.
For the sake of having the vestal seclusion of Volumnia College
telegraphically denominated as Bachelor Diggings!
QUECKETT.
Any collection of young ladies may be so described. The description is
happy but harmless. As for the subsequent conflagration--
MISS DYOTT.
Don't talk about it!
QUECKETT.
I say with all sincerity that from the moment the fire broke out till I
escaped no one regretted it more than myself. _That_ was Tyler!
MISS DYOTT.
Tyler! What Tyler! I make no historical reference when I say what Tyler
was it who abruptly tore aside the veil of mystery which had hitherto
shrouded the existence of champagne and lobster salad from four young
girls! It was you!
QUECKETT.
No, it wasn't, Carrie, upon my word?
MISS DYOTT.
Bah!
QUECKETT.
Upon my honour!
MISS DYOTT.
[_ Witheringly._] Hah!
QUECKETT.
Those vexing pupils played the very devil with me. After you left, the
pupils, as it were, dilated.
MISS DYOTT.
Yes, and you ordered them champagne glasses, I suppose! Oh, deceiver!
QUECKETT.
You talk of deception! What about the three o'clock train from
Paddington?
MISS DYOTT.
It was the whole truth--there was one.
QUECKETT.
But you didn't travel in it! What about the clergyman's wife at
Hereford?
MISS DYOTT.
Go there--you will find several!
QUECKETT.
But you're not staying with them. Oh, Carrie, how can you meet my
fearless glance when you recall that my last words yesterday were
"Cabman, drive to Paddington--the lady will pay your fare?"
MISS DYOTT.
I cannot deny that it is by accident you have discovered that I am Queen
Honorine in Otto Bernstein's successful comic opera.
QUECKETT.
And what do you think my family would think of that!
MISS DYOTT.
It is true that the public now know me as Miss Constance Delaporte.
QUECKETT.
[_Indignantly._] Oh! Miss Constance Delaporte!
MISS DYOTT.
The new and startling contralto--her first appearance.
QUECKETT.
And have I, a Queckett, after all, gone and married a Connie?
MISS DYOTT.
You have! It is true too, that last night, while you and my pupils were
dilating, I was singing--ay, and at one important juncture, dancing!
QUECKETT.
[_ With horror._] No, no--not dancing!
MISS DYOTT.
Madly, desperately, hysterically, dancing!
QUECKETT.
And to think--if there was any free list--that my brother Bob may have
been there.
MISS DYOTT.
But do you guess the one thought that prompted me, buoyed me up, guided
my steps, and ultimately produced a lower G of exceptional power.
QUECKETT.
[_With a groan._] No.
MISS DYOTT.
The thought that every note I sang might bring a bank-note to my lonely
Vere at home.
QUECKETT.
Carrie
MISS DYOTT.
I went through the performance in a dream! The conductor's bâton beat
nothing but, "Vere, Vere, Vere," into my eyes. Some one applauded me!
I thought, "Ah, that's worth a new hat to Vere!" I sang my political
verse--a man very properly hissed. "He has smashed Vere's new hat," I
murmured. At last came my important solo. I drew a long breath, saw
a vision of you reading an old copy of _The Rock_, by the fireside at
home--and opened my mouth. I remembered nothing more till I found myself
wildly dancing to the _refrain_ of my song. The audience yelled with
approbation--I bowed again and again--and then tottered away to sink
into the arms of the prompter with the words, "Vere, catch your Carrie!"
QUECKETT.
But my family--my brother Bob--
MISS DYOTT.
What have they ever done for you? While I--it was my ambition to devote
every penny of my salary to your little wants.
QUECKETT.
And isn't it?
MISS DYOTT.
No--Vere Albany Bute Queckett; it isn't. The moment I dragged you down
that ladder last night, and left behind me the smouldering ruins of
Volumnia College, I became an altered woman.
QUECKETT.
Then I will lay the whole affair before my family.
MISS DYOTT.
Do, and tell them to what your selfishness has brought you--that where
there was love there is disdain, where there was claret there will be
beer, where there were cigars there will be pipes, and where there was
Poole there will be Kino!
QUECKETT.
Oh, why didn't I wait and marry a lady?
MISS DYOTT.
You did marry a lady! But scratch the lady and you find a hardworking
comic actress!
QUECKETT.
Be silent, madam!
MISS DYOTT.
Ha! Ha! This is my revenge, Vere Queckett! To-night I will dance more
wildly, more demonstratively than ever!
QUECKETT.
I forbid it!
MISS DYOTT.
_You_ forbid it! _You_ dictate to Constance Delaporte--the hit of the
opera! I am Queen Honorine! [_She slaps her hands and sings with great
abandonment, and in the pronounced manner of the buffo queen, the song
she is supposed to sing in Bernstein's opera. Singing._]=
````'Rine, 'Rine, Honorine!
````Mighty, whether wife or queen;
````Firmer ruler never seen,
```Than 'Rine, 'Rine! La!=
QUECKETT.
[_Indignantly._] I will write to my married sisters!
MISS DYOTT.
Do--and I will call upon them! [_Singing._] =
````Man's a boasting, fretting fumer,
````Smoking alcohol consumer,
````Quick of temper, ill of humour!=
QUECKETT.
Oh, you shall sing this to my family!
MISS DYOTT.
I will! [_Singing with her hands upon her hips._]=
````Woman has no petty vices,
````Cuts her sins in good thick slices,
````With a smile that sweet and nice is!=
QUECKETT.
[_ Writhing._] Oh!
MISS DYOTT.
[_Boisterously._] Refrain! [_Singing and dancing._]=
````'Rine, 'Rine, Honorine!
````Mighty, whether wife or queen,
````Firmer ruler never seen,
````Than 'Rine, 'Rine! La!=
[_ With a burst of hysterical laughter she sinks into a chair. _]
QUECKETT.
Oh, I will tell my brother of you! [_Daylight appears through the
conservatory doors. Mrs. Rankling and Dinah enter. Mallory and Peggy
enter from conservatory "spooning."_]
MRS. RANKLING.
My dear Mrs Queckett, I owe everything to you,--my treatment of the dear
Admiral has had wonderful results. What do you think! The Admiral and
Mr. Paulover are quite reconciled and understand each other perfectly.
[_Rankling and Paulover enter, glaring at each other and quarrelling
violently in undertones._] Look--the Admiral already regards him as his
own child. [_Saunders, Ermyntrude, and Gwendoline enter and join Peggy
and Mallory._]
DINAH.
[_Sobbing._] But we are to be separated for five years. Oh, Reggie, you
trust me implicitly, don't you?
REGINALD.
[_Fiercely._] I do. And that is why I warn you never to let me hear of
you addressing another man.
DINAH.
Oh, Reggie! [_They embrace._]
RANKLING.
Don't do that! You don't see me behaving in that way to Mrs.
Rankling--and we've been married for years.
MRS. RANKLING.
[_To Dinah._] But you and Mr. Paulover are to be allowed to meet once
every quarter.
REGINALD.
Yes--in the presence of Admiral Rankling and a policeman! [_Mrs.
Rankling, Rankling, Dinah and Reginald join the others.--Otto Bernstein
enters quickly and excitedly, carrying a quantity of newspapers. _]
BERNSTEIN.
I beg your pardon. I must see Miss Constance Delaporte--I mean, Miss
Dyott.
MISS DYOTT.
Mr. Bernstein.
BERNSTEIN.
Your house is burnt down. It does not madder. You have made a gread hit
in my new oratorio--I mean my gomic opera. I have been walking up and
down Fleet Street waiting for the babers to gome out. [_Handing round
all the newspapers._]
Der "Dimes"--Der "Delegraph"--Der "Daily News"--Der "Standard"--Der
"Bost"--Der "Ghronicle"! Dey are all gomplimentary except one, and dat I
gave to the gabman.
MISS DYOTT.
[_Reading._] "Miss Delaporte--a decided acquisition."
BERNSTEIN.
Go on!
QUECKETT
[_Reading._] "Miss Delaporte--an imposing figure." [_Indignantly._] What
do they know about it?
BERNSTEIN.
[_Excitedly._] Go on! Go on! I always say I do not read the babers, but
I do! [_To Miss Dyott._] You will get fifty bounds a week in my next
oratorio--I mean, my gomic opera.
QUECKETT.
Fifty pounds a week! My Carrie! I shall be able to snap my fingers at my
damn family.
MRS. RANKLING.
How very pleasing! [_Reading._] "A voice of great purity, a correct
intonation, and a lower G of decided volume, rendered attractive some
music not remarkable for grace or originality." [_Bernstein takes the
paper from Mrs. Rankling._]
BERNSTEIN.
I did not see dat--I will give dat to the gabman. Goo-bye--I cannot
stay. I am going to have a Turkish bath till the evening babers gome
out. I always say I do not read the evening babers--but I do! [_He
bustles out._]
MRS. RANKLING.
Mrs. Queckett, I shall book stalls at once to hear your singing.
RANKLING.
No, Emma--dress circle.
MRS. RANKLING.
Stalls, Archibald.
RANKLING.
[_ Glaring!_] Dress circle!
MRS. RANKLING.
Stalls, Archibald, or I leave you for ever!
RANKLING.
[_Mildly._] Very well, Emma. I have no desire but to please you.
QUECKETT.
I take this as a great compliment, my dear Rankling. Carrie and I thank
you. But I can't hear of it. I insist on offering you both a seat in my
box.
MISS DYOTT.
_Your_ box!
QUECKETT.
[_Softly to her._] Hush! Carrie, my darling! Your Vere's private box!
MISS DVOTT.
Mr. Queckett's private box, during my absence at night, will be our
lodgings, where he will remain under lock and key. [_Peggy laughs at
Queckett._]
QUECKETT.
[_To Peggy._] Oh, you vexing girl!
MALLORY.
[_Annoyed._] Excuse me, my dear Queckett--but while looking at the
plants in the conservatory, I became engaged to Miss Hesslerigge.
[_There is a general exclamation of surprise._]
REGINALD.
[_To Mallory._] Ah, coward, you haven't to wait five years! [_Jane
enters._]
JANE.
Oh, if you please, ma'am, Tyler--
MISS DYOTT, QUECKETT, PEGGY, AND DINAH.
Tyler!
JANE.
Tyler wants to know who is to pay him the reward for being the first to
fetch the fire engines last night?
QUECKETT.
I will!
MISS DYOTT.
No--I will. Tyler has rendered me a signal service. He has demolished
Volumnia College. From the ashes of that establishment rises the Phoenix
of my new career. Miss Dyott is extinct--Miss Delaporte is alive, and,
during the evening, kicking. I hope none will regret the change--I shall
not, for one, while the generous public allow me to remain a Favourite!
THE END.