A HOME FOR GENIUSES
From hints he had let drop at odd times I knew that Tammas Haggart had
a scheme for geniuses, but not until the evening after Jamie's arrival
did I get it out of him. Hendry was with Jamie at the fishing, and it
came about that Tammas and I had the pig-sty to ourselves.
"Of course," he said, when we had got a grip of the subject, "I dount
pretend as my ideas is to be followed withoot deeviation, but
ondootedly something should be done for geniuses, them bein' aboot the
only class as we do naething for. Yet they're fowk to be prood o', an'
we shouldna let them overdo the thing, nor run into debt; na, na.
There was Robbie Burns, noo, as real a genius as ever--"
At the pig-sty, where we liked to have more than one topic, we had
frequently to tempt Tammas away from Burns.
"Your scheme," I interposed, "is for living geniuses, of course?"
"Ay," he said, thoughtfully, "them 'at's gone canna be brocht back.
Weel, my idea is 'at a Home should be built for geniuses at the public
expense, whaur they could all live thegither, an be decently looked
after. Na, no in London; that's no my plan, but I would hae't within
an hour's distance o' London, say five mile frae the market-place, an'
standin' in a bit garden, whaur the geniuses could walk aboot
arm-in-arm, composin' their minds."
"You would have the grounds walled in, I suppose, so that the public
could not intrude?"
"Weel, there's a difficulty there, because, ye'll observe, as the
public would support the institootion, they would hae a kind o' richt
to look in. How-some-ever, I daur say we could arrange to fling the
grounds open to the public once a week on condition 'at they didna
speak to the geniuses. I'm thinkin' 'at if there was a small chairge
for admission the Home could be made self-supportin'. Losh! to think
'at if there had been sic an institootion in his time a man micht hae
sat on the bit dyke and watched Robbie Burns danderin' roond the--"
"You would divide the Home into suites of rooms, so that every inmate
would have his own apartments?"
"Not by no means; na, na. The mair I read aboot geniuses the mair
clearly I see as their wy o' living alane ower muckle is ane o' the
things as breaks doon their health, and makes them meeserable. I' the
Home they would hae a bedroom apiece, but the parlour an' the other
sittin'-rooms would be for all, so as they could enjoy ane another's
company. The management? Oh, that's aisy. The superintendent would
be a medical man appointed by Parliament, and he would hae men-servants
to do his biddin'."
"Not all men-servants, surely?"
"Every one o' them. Man, geniuses is no to be trusted wi' womenfolk.
No, even Robbie Bu--"
"So he did; but would the inmates have to put themselves entirely in
the superintendent's hands?"
"Nae doubt; an' they would see it was the wisest thing they could do.
He would be careful o' their health, an' send them early to bed as weel
as hae them up at eight sharp. Geniuses' healths is always breakin'
doon because of late hours, as in the case o' the lad wha used often to
begin his immortal writin's at twal o'clock at nicht, a thing 'at would
ruin ony constitootion. But the superintendent would see as they had a
tasty supper at nine o'clock--something as agreed wi' them. Then for
half an hour they would quiet their brains readin' oot aloud, time
about, frae sic a book as the 'Pilgrim's Progress,' an' the gas would
be turned aff at ten precisely."
"When would you have them up in the morning?"
"At sax in summer an' seven in winter. The superintendent would see as
they were all properly bathed every mornin', cleanliness bein' most
important for the preservation o' health."
"This sounds well; but suppose a genius broke the rules--lay in bed,
for instance, reading by the light of a candle after hours, or refused
to take his bath in the morning?"
"The superintendent would hae to punish him. The genius would be sent
back to his bed, maybe. An' if he lay lang i' the mornin' he would hae
to gang withoot his breakfast."
"That would be all very well where the inmate only broke the
regulations once in a way; but suppose he were to refuse to take his
bath day after day (and, you know, geniuses are said to be eccentric in
that particular), what would be done? You could not starve him;
geniuses are too scarce."
"Na, na; in a case like that he would hae to be reported to the public.
The thing would hae to come afore the Hoose of Commons. Ay, the
superintendent would get a member o' the Opposeetion to ask a queistion
such as 'Can the honourable gentleman, the Secretary of State for Home
Affairs, inform the Hoose whether it is a fac that Mr. Sic-a-one, the
well-known genius, at present resident in the Home for Geniuses, has,
contrairy to regulations, perseestently and obstinately refused to
change his linen; and, if so, whether the Government proposes to take
ony steps in the matter?' The newspapers would report the discussion
next mornin', an' so it would be made public withoot onnecessary
ootlay."
"In a general way, however, you would give the geniuses perfect
freedom? They could work when they liked, and come and go when they
liked?"
"Not so. The superintendent would fix the hours o' wark, an' they
would all write, or whatever it was, thegither in one large room. Man,
man, it would mak a grand draw for a painter-chield, that room, wi' all
the geniuses working awa' thegither."
"But when the labors of the day were over the genius would be at
liberty to make calls by himself or to run up, say, to London for an
hour or two?"
"Hoots no, that would spoil everything. It's the drink, ye see, as
does for a terrible lot o' geniuses. Even Rob--"
"Alas! yes. But would you have them all teetotalers?"
"What do ye tak me for? Na, na; the superintendent would allow them
one glass o' toddy every nicht, an' mix it himsel; but he would never
get the keys o' the press, whaur he kept the drink, oot o' his hands.
They would never be allowed oot o' the gairden either, withoot a man to
look after them; an' I wouldna burthen them wi' ower muckle
pocket-money. Saxpence in the week would be suffeecient."
"How about their clothes?"
"They would get twa suits a year, wi' the letter G sewed on the
shoulders, so as if they were lost they could be recognized and brocht
back."
"Certainly it is a scheme deserving consideration, and I have no doubt
our geniuses would jump at it; but you must remember that some of them
would have wives."
"Ay, an' some o' them would hae husbands. I've been thinkin' that oot,
an' I daur say the best plan would be to partition aff a pairt o' the
Home for female geniuses."
"Would Parliament elect the members?"
"I wouldna trust them. The election would hae to be by competitive
examination. Na, I canna say wha would draw up the queistions. The
scheme's juist growin' i' my mind, but the mair I think o't the better
I like it."