* * * * *
Obituaries are not a safe guide to the real truth.
* * * * *
Recollections become dim on the witness stand.
* * * * *
It's better to faint in the arms of truth and die in poverty than to lie
for the lap of luxury and die disgraced.
* * * * *
A drunken man's breath is preferable to the wagging tongue of a gossip.
* * * * *
Any man could live with a woman who has the patience to bathe in a wash
tub twenty-one inches in diameter for seventeen years without
complaining.
* * * * *
Marry in haste and repent in alimony.
* * * * *
It's a sad fact that many a man has missed his calling and there is
elegant material for day laborers among the professions and vice versa.
* * * * *
If it wasn't for $$$ a great many people would be wearing the stripes.
* * * * *
Some men are so economical they go without socks to buy whiskey.
* * * * *
If some women were better cooks there would be less dyspepsia and fewer
divorces.
* * * * *
If too many cooks spoil the broth, could too many church denominations
spoil the man?
* * * * *
The longer you use the Christ-like religion the better you like it and
the better it makes you.
* * * * *
The man who makes careless remarks about women does not possess the fine
attributes of a gentleman.
* * * * *
If religion cost money, how some church members with bible names would
grab for their purses when the lights go out.
* * * * *
Religion and sympathy cost nothing, but you'd think they were diamonds
the way some people use them.
* * * * *
The first marriage is for love, the second for convenience, and the
third a cold business proposition. Don't try for a four-bagger.
* * * * *
The cleanliness of the tea towel is a safe criterion to a good
house-keeper.
* * * * *
The great jewel "Consistency" cannot be bought with money.
* * * * *
Some people are so hard hearted, onions would have no effect at a
funeral.
* * * * *
If you don't like the taste of life's medicine, be your own doctor and
change the ingredients.
* * * * *
If some weak-kneed marshals and sheriffs would do their duty, there
would be less bootleggers.
* * * * *
Some women join the ladies' aid and use the lemon extravagantly.
* * * * *
Many a woman can hardly keep from yelling "Hallelujah" when her husband
dies.
* * * * *
If some mothers don't spend more time with their children and less with
politics this country will be over-run with pick-pockets.
* * * * *
If all mis-mated marriages were suddenly annulled, it wouldn't take an
expert mathematician to count those left in wedlock.
* * * * *
If it wasn't for their money, thousands of women would leave their
husbands.
* * * * *
Whiskey has killed more men than all the surgeons.
* * * * *
Lay the rod on the child before he gets too strong.
* * * * *
Better be a lady waiting than marry a sot.
* * * * *
Honesty stops millions from becoming millionaires.
* * * * *
Women born in Alaska seldom get married; too long in cold storage.
* * * * *
The undertaker's sympathy never interferes with his profits; he gets the
last crack at you and you can't kick.
* * * * *
Many a woman, who never had an extra pair of hosiery at home, loses
sight of economy, after her marriage, and plunges into extravagance so
heedlessly that her husband gives up in discouragement.
* * * * *
Live within your means, but don't borrow money to do it.
* * * * *
Spend your money when you are young, if you want to spend your old age
in the poor house.
* * * * *
Put a strong proviso in your deed before you turn it over to your
children, if you expect to buy your own tobacco.
* * * * *
The boy who criticizes his father's depleted finances on account of
hardships and honest failures, should be bodily removed into the open
air with the same amount of clothes he had when he was born and let the
thermometer show forty degrees below zero.
* * * * *
A court or jury that will convict a man for stealing a ten cent soup
bone and acquit the man who made thousands by going into bankruptcy
ought to have a steady stream of hot tar running down their aesophagus.
* * * * *
Many a rock-ribbed democrat votes for a Republican, if there is
something in it.
* * * * *
The tramp, with his back against the water tank, studies as hard on his
side of the problem of existence as does the fellow with greater
resources, who is up against it.
* * * * *
The man who can fulfill the bible by taking the slap on both sides of
the cheek is seven parts lamb and one part Irish.
* * * * *
The difference between a cackling hen and a cackling woman is, one
cackles when she lays and the other cackles all the time she don't lay.
* * * * *
Trust in God but look out for everybody else.
* * * * *
The man that totes a whiskey blossom on the end of his flue carries a
cheap add for the devil.
* * * * *
Don't worry over the sport that can smoke twenty cigarettes a day.
* * * * *
The girl that marries the man to reform him has a SAD lesson to learn.
A good excuse saves lots of lying.