Exhausted by these mysterious persecutions, I have for a long time
undertaken a careful examination of my conscience, and, true to my new
resolve not to justify myself as against my neighbour, I find my past
life abominable and am disgusted at my own personality.
"It is true that I have incited the younger generation to rebel against
law and order, against religion, authority, morality. That is my
godlessness, for which I am now I punished, and which I now retract."
So I say to myself, and after a pause in the current of my thoughts
I reverse the question, and ask, "And the others, the opposers of my
revolutionary views, the pious defenders of morality, of the State, of
religion, can _they_ sleep at night? and have the Powers prospered
them in their worldly affairs?"
When I pass in review the pillars of society and their various
fortunes, I am compelled to answer, "No!"
The brave champion of the Ideal in poetry and in life, the poet popular
with the steady and respectable bourgeois class, cannot now sleep at
night owing to violent attacks of hysteria. To add to his troubles,
his guardian angel left him in the lurch, so that his affairs became
embarrassed from his engaging in speculations which nearly reduced him
to beggary. It is no joy for me to remember this, for it increases my
depression when I see how the noblest efforts only lead to beggary.
What of my opponent in religion? He who wished to have me imprisoned
for blasphemy has himself been arrested for falsification in the
transfer of property. But don't think, reader, that I make his sin an
excuse for my blasphemies. It is a trouble to me not to be able to keep
my belief in the purifying effect of Christianity, in view of such a
startling example, to the contrary.
Then the lady who took morality under her protection, the friend of
oppressed women, the prophetess who in fiery and candid essays preached
celibacy to young men--what has become of her? No one knows it, but on
her there rests a dark and terrible suspicion. Edifying, is it not? As
to the other pillars of moral and religious order, I pass them over,
whether they have put a bullet through their brains, or decamped to
avoid an ominous investigation. Speaking briefly, judgment seems to
strike the just and unjust alike, and one may prove as good as another.
What is it then that is taking place in the world to-day? Is it the
irrevocable doom pronounced against Sodom? Must all perish? Are there
none righteous? Not one!
May we then be friends and suffer in common as fellow-sinners, without
exalting ourselves, one above another.
* * * * *
I have apologised for my culpable actions, and abjure my past. Let me
now say a word in self-defence. It is a common characteristic of youth
in all ages to be in revolt, frivolous, disorderly. Am I the first
inventor of revolt or sin? Formerly I was the youth led astray, the
child of my time, the disciple of my teachers, the victim of seduction.
Whose is the fault, and why have they made me a scapegoat? Suppose that
it was a lie, and that I am not the person for whom men take me?
But here the accusation of "black magic" comes in to turn the scales.
But it was out of ignorance that I had recourse to that.
Well then, what about the revolt against the Invisible?
Yes, I did revolt. But how about the others who spent their lives on
their knees in devotion and self-denial, and who have all been disowned?
Let us acknowledge that the state of affairs is desperate, and that
we are all handed over to the power of the Prince of this world to be
bowed in the dust and humbled till we are disgusted with ourselves,
in order that we may feel homesick for heaven. Self-contempt, anger
at one's own personality, the result of vain endeavours to improve
oneself--that is the way to a higher life.
And remember one thing: the way to Rome, the imperial route lay through
Canossa!