At that instant two men entered the hall, one in the habit of a

labouring man, and the other a taylor with shears in his hand, who,

approaching the bench, ‘My lord governor,’ said he, ‘this countryman and

I are come before your lordship about an affair which I am going to

explain. This honest man comes yesterday to my shop—for, saving your

presence, I am an examined taylor, God be praised! and putting a remnant

of cloth in my hand, “Gaffer,” said he, “is there stuff enough here to

make me a cap?” I having handled the piece, replied, “Yes.” Now he

supposing, as I suppose, and to be sure it was a right supposition, that

I wanted to cabbage part of the stuff, grounding his suspicion on his

own deceit, and the bad character of us taylors, desired I would see if

there was enough for two caps; and I, guessing his thoughts, answered,

“Yes.” And so my gentleman, persisting in his first and evil intention,

went on adding cap to cap; and I proceeded to answer Yes upon Yes, until

the number increased to five caps. This very moment he called for them;

and when I produced them, he not only refused to pay me for my work, but

even demanded that I should either restore the cloth, or pay him the

price of it.’—‘Is this really the case, brother?’ said Sancho. ‘Yes, my

lord,’ replied the countryman; ‘but I beg your lordship would order him

to shew what sort of caps he has made.’—‘With all my heart,’ cried the

taylor; who immediately pulling out his hand from under his cloak,

produced five small caps fixed upon the tops of his four fingers and

thumb; saying, ‘Here are the five caps which this honest man desired me

to make; as I shall answer to God and my own conscience, there is not a

scrap of the stuff remaining; and I am willing to submit the work to the

inspection of the masters of the company.’ All the people in court

laughed at the number of caps, and the novelty of the dispute, which

Sancho having considered for a few moments, ‘Methinks,’ said he, ‘this

suit requires no great discussion, but may be equitably determined out

of hand: and therefore my determination is, that the taylor shall lose

his work, and the countryman forfeit his cloth; and that the caps shall

be distributed among the poor prisoners, without farther hesitation.’

If the sentence he afterwards passed upon the herdsman’s purse excited

the admiration of the spectators, this decision provoked their laughter:

nevertheless, they executed the orders of their governor, before whom

two old men now presented themselves, one of them having a cane, which

he used as a walking-staff. The other making up to the governor, ‘My

lord,’ said he, ‘some time ago, I lent this man ten crowns of gold, to

oblige and assist him in an emergency, on condition that he should pay

them upon demand; and for a good while I never asked my money, that I

might not put him to greater inconvenience in repaying than that which

he felt when he borrowed the sum; but as he seemed to neglect the

payment entirely, I have demanded the money again and again, and he not

only refuses to refund, but also denies that I ever lent him the ten

crowns; or, if I did, he says he is sure they were repaid: now, I having

no witnesses to prove the loan, nor he evidence of the re-payment, for

indeed they never were repaid, I entreat your lordship to take his oath;

and if he swears the money was returned, I here forgive him the debt, in

the presence of God.’—‘What have you to say to this charge, honest

gaffer with the staff?’ said Sancho. ‘My lord,’ replied the senior, ‘I

confess he lent me the money; and since he leaves the matter to my oath,

if your lordship will lower your rod of justice, I will make affidavit,

that I have really and truly returned, and repaid the sum I borrowed.’

The governor accordingly lowering his wand, the defendant desired the

plaintiff to hold his cane until he should make oath, because it

incumbered him; then laying his hand upon the cross of the rod, he

declared that the other had indeed lent him those ten crowns which he

now demanded; but that he, the borrower, had returned them into the

lender’s own hand, and he supposed he dunned him in this manner, because

he had forgot that circumstance. This oath being administered, the great

governor asked what farther the creditor had to say to the allegation of

the other party. And he answered, that doubtless the defendant had spoke

the truth; for he looked upon him as an honest man, and a good

Christian; and that as he himself must have forgot the particulars of

the payment, he would never demand it from thenceforward. Then the

defendant, taking back his cane, and making his obeisance, quitted the

court; while Sancho seeing him retire in this manner, and perceiving the

resignation of the plaintiff, hung down his head a little, and laying

the fore-finger of his right-hand on one side of his nose, continued in

this musing posture for a very small space of time: then, raising his

head, he ordered them to call back the old man with the staff, who had

retired: he was accordingly brought before Sancho; who said to him,

‘Honest friend, lend me that staff, I have occasion for it.’—‘With all

my heart, my lord,’ replied the elder, reaching it to the judge: then

Sancho took and delivered it to the plaintiff, saying: ‘Now, go your

ways, a God’s name! you are fully paid.’—‘How, my lord!’ said the old

man, ‘is this cane then worth ten crowns of Gold?’—‘Yes,’ replied the

governor, ‘otherwise I am the greatest dunce in nature: and now it shall

appear, whether or not I have a noddle sufficient to govern a whole

kingdom.’ So saying, he ordered the cane to be broke in publick; and

when, in consequence of his command, it was split asunder, ten crowns of

gold were found in the heart of it, to the astonishment of all the

spectators, who looked upon their new governor as another Solomon. When

he was asked how he could conceive that the money was in the cane, he

answered, that seeing the deponent give his staff to the other party

before he made oath, then hearing him declare that he had really and

truly returned the money; and lastly, perceiving that after his

deposition he took back the staff, it came into his head that the money

was concealed within the cane. And in this instance, we see that

governors, though otherwise fools, are sometimes directed in their

decisions by the hand of God: besides, Sancho had heard such a story

told by the curate of his village, and his memory was so tenacious, in

retaining every thing he wanted to remember, that there was not such

another in the whole island. Finally, the two old men went away: the one

overwhelmed with shame, and the other miraculously repaid; the

by-standers were astonished; and he whose province it was to record the

sayings, actions, and conduct of Sancho, could not determine in his own

mind, whether he should regard and report him as a simpleton, or a sage.

[Illustration: Governor Sancho Panza and the Woman.]

This suit being determined, a woman came into court, holding fast by a

man habited like a rich herdsman, and exclaiming with great

vociferation, ‘Justice, my lord governor, justice! which, if I find not

on earth, I will go in quest of to heaven! My lord governor of my soul,

this wicked man has forced me in the middle of a field, and made use of

my body as if it had been a dirty dishclout: alack, and a-well-a-day! he

has robbed me of that which I had preserved for three and twenty years,

in spite of Moors and Christians, natives and foreigners: and have I,

who was always as hard as a cork-tree, maintained my virtue entire, like

a salamander in the midst of flames, or wool among brambles, to be

handled by the clean hands of this Robin Goodfellow?’—‘That must be

enquired into,’ said Sancho, ‘whether the gallant’s hands be clean or

no.’ Then turning to the man, he asked what he had to say to the

complaint of that woman? To this question the culprit replied, with

great perturbation, ‘My lord, I am a poor herdsman who deal in swine,

and this morning went to market, saving your presence, with some hogs,

and the duties and extortions, and one thing and another, ran away with

almost all they were worth; and so, in my return, I lighted on this

honest damsel on the road; and the devil, who will always meddle and

make, and have a finger in every pye, yoked us together. I paid her

handsomely; but she, not satisfied, laid fast hold on me, nor would she

quit her hold until she had brought me hither: she alledges I forced

her; but, by the oath I have taken, or am to take, she lyes; and this is

the whole truth, without the least crumb of prevarication.’ Then the

governor asked if he had any money about him; and when he owned he had a

leathern purse with twenty ducats in his bosom, Sancho ordered him to

pull it out, and deliver the whole to the complainant. The man obeyed

this command with fear and trembling; the woman received this money, and

making a thousand curtsies to all the by-standers, prayed God would

preserve the life and health of my lord governor, who took such care of

damsels and orphans in necessity. So saying, she went away, holding the

purse with both hands, though not before she had examined the contents.

Scarce had she quitted the court, when Sancho said to the herdsman, who

stood with tears in his eyes, sending his heart, and many a long look

after his purse, ‘Harkye, friend! go after that woman, and take the

purse from her, either by fair means or force, and bring it hither to

me.’ This command was not imposed upon one that was either deaf or

doating; for he darted like lightning, in order to put it in execution:

while all the spectators waited in suspence to see the issue of the

suit. In a little time the parties returned, but more closely engaged,

and clinging faster together than before; she, with her petticoat tucked

up, and the purse in her lap; and he struggling, to no purpose, to take

it from her; so vigorously did she defend her acquisition, crying aloud,

‘Justice, in the name of God and his creatures! Take notice, my lord

governor, of the impudence and presumption of this miscreant, who, in

the very face of the people, and the middle of the street, wanted to rob

me of the purse which I received by your lordship’s decree.’—‘Has he

taken it from you, then?’ said the governor. ‘Taken it from me!’ replied

the wench; ‘I’ll sooner part with my life than with my purse. I should

be a precious ninny indeed! otherguise cats must scratch my beard, and

not such a pitiful muckworm as he. Pincers and hammers, mallets and

chissels, should not tear it out of my clutches; no, not the claws of a

lion; my soul and body shall rather be tore asunder.’—‘It is even so,’

said the man; ‘I submit as the weaker vessel, and own I have not

strength enough to recover my purse.’ He quitted her accordingly. Then

the governor said to the woman, ‘Come hither, my virtuous and spirited

dame; let me see thy purse.’ Which, when she delivered it, he restored

to the man; and turning to the wench, who was too forceful to be forced,

‘Sister of mine,’ quoth he, ‘if you had exerted the same vigour and

perseverance, or even half so much, in preserving your chastity, as you

have shewn in defending the purse, the force of Hercules would not have

forced you. Be gone, a-God’s name! be gone, I say, with a vengeance, and

never more appear in this island, or within six leagues of it, on pain

of receiving two hundred stripes. Be gone immediately, you chattering,

shameless impostor!’ The woman, terrified at his menaces, sneaked off,

hanging her head, and discontented; and the governor spoke to the man in

these words: ‘Honest friend, get you home with your money, in the name

of God; and unless you are inclined to lose it again, from henceforward

avoid all temptations to yoke with any woman whatsoever.’

The herdsman thanked him as sheepishly as he could, and went away, and

the audience were struck with admiration afresh, at the judgment and

decisions of their new governor; every circumstance of which being

recorded by his historiographer, was immediately communicated to the

duke, who waited for the account with the utmost impatience.

But here let honest Sancho rest a little; for we are summoned in all

haste by his master, who is greatly disturbed by the musick of

Altisidora.

Footnote 187:

_Barato_, signifies cheap.

CHAP. XIV.

OF THE DREADFUL CONSTERNATION, AND CATTISH CONCERT,

TO WHICH DON QUIXOTE WAS EXPOSED,

IN THE COURSE OF THE ENAMOURED ALTISIDORA’S AMOUR.

We left the great Don Quixote wrapped up in those cogitations that were

suggested by the musick of the enamoured damsel Altisidora. With these

companions he crept into bed; but, as if they had been fleas and vermin,

they would not suffer him to sleep, or indeed enjoy a moment’s repose,

especially when reinforced with the reflection of his wounded stocking.

But as time is so light and nimble, that no rub can retard his career,

he galloped along upon the hours, and soon ushered in the morning, which

was no sooner beheld by the knight, than he forsook the gentle down, and

being the reverse of lazy, dressed himself in his chamoy suit. He put on

his travelling boots to conceal the misfortune of his hose; threw his

scarlet cloak over his shoulder, cased his head in a green velvet cap

trimmed with silver, slung his trusty hanging sword in his buff-belt,

took up his large rosary, which always depended from his wrist, and with

great port and solemnity went forth into the hall, where the duke and

duchess, already dressed, stayed for him. As he passed through a

gallery, he perceived Altisidora, and the other maiden her friend, who

stood waiting for his appearance; and he was no sooner beheld by the

love-sick damsel, than she pretended to faint away; while her companion

received her in her arms, and with all possible dispatch began to

unclasp her bosom. The knight seeing her fall, approached the place

where they were, saying, ‘I know whence these accidents proceed.’ And

the companion replied, ‘I do not know whence; for Altisidora is the

healthiest damsel of the whole family, and I never knew her so much as

fetch a sigh from the first minute of our acquaintance. Ill betide all

the knights-errant in the world, if they are all so shy and scornful.

Signior Don Quixote, I wish your worship would leave the place; for this

poor girl will not come to herself while you stand here.’ To this

entreaty the knight replied, ‘Be so good, Madam, as to order a lute to

be left in my apartment; and, at night, I will, to the best of my power,

console this unfortunate damsel: for a speedy explanation in the

beginning, is often an effectual cure for those who are indiscreetly in

love.’ So saying, he went away, that he might not be observed in

conference with the damsels; and scarce was he gone, when the swooning

Altisidora coming to herself, said to her companion, ‘It will be

requisite to leave the lute; for, doubtless, Don Quixote intends to

entertain us with musick, which cannot be bad if he is the performer.’

Then they went and gave an account of what had passed, and in particular

of the lute, to the duchess, who was rejoiced beyond measure, and

concerted with her lord and her women, how to execute another joke which

should be more merry than mischievous. This being accordingly contrived,

they with great glee waited for night; and it came posting along in the

same pace that brought in the day, which their graces spent in savoury

discourse with Don Quixote. On this day the duchess really and truly

dispatched one of her pages, who acted the part of the enchanted

Dulcinea in the wood, to Tereza Panza, with her husband’s letter, and a

bundle, which he had left on purpose to be sent home; and the messenger

had particular orders to bring back a circumstantial detail of every

thing that should pass between him and the governor’s lady.

This step being taken, and the hour of eleven at night arrived, Don

Quixote found a lute in his apartment; this he tuned, and having opened

the window, perceived people walking below in the garden: he immediately

ran over the strings of his instrument, making as good a prelude as he

could, then hemming and clearing his pipes, he with an hoarse, though

not untuneful voice, sung the following sonnet, which he had that very

day composed.

SONG.

‘Love, with idleness combin’d,

Will unhinge the tender mind:

But to sew, to work, and move,

Will exclude the force of love.

Blooming maids that would be married,

Must in virtue be unwearied:

Modesty a dow’r will raise,

And be trumpet of their praise.

A cavalier will sport and play

With a damsel frank and gay;

But, when wedlock is his aim,

Chuse a maid of sober fame.

Passion kindled in the breast,

By a stranger or a guest,

Enters with the rising sun,

And fleets before his race be run.

Love that come so suddenly,

Ever on the wing to fly,

Neither can or will impart

Strong impressions to the heart.

Pictures drawn on pictures, shew

Strange confusion to the view:

Second beauty find no base,

Where a first has taken place.

Then Dulcinea still shall reign

Without a rival or a stain;

Nor shall fate itself controul

Her sway, or blot her from my soul:

Constancy, the lover’s boast,

I’ll maintain, whate’er it cost.

This my virtue will refine;

This will stamp my joy divine.’

So far had Don Quixote proceeded with his song, which was overheard by

the duke and duchess, Altisidora, and almost all the people in the

castle, when all of a sudden, from the top of a corridore immediately

above Don Quixote’s window, came down a cord to which above a hundred

horse-bells were tied; and after these was discharged a whole sackful of

cats with smaller bells fastened to their tails. Such was the noise

occasioned by the tinkling of these bells, and the mewling of the cats,

that even the duke and duchess, who invented the joke, were terrified

and confounded, and Don Quixote astonished and dismayed; especially when

two or three cats chanced to enter his window, and coursed up and down

through his apartment, which seemed to be haunted by a whole legion of

devils; for they extinguished the lights, and ran to and fro,

endeavouring to escape, while the rope with the large bells was lowering

down, and pulling up incessantly; so that the greatest part of the

people in the family, who were ignorant of the scheme, listened with

fear and admiration. Then Don Quixote starting up, and unsheathing his

sword, began to fence with the window, exclaiming aloud, ‘Avaunt,

malignant enchanters! avaunt, ye wizzard crew! for I am Don Quixote de

La Mancha, against whom your whole power and malice shall not avail.’ So

saying, he laid about him among the cats, which had entered his

apartments; and they sprung towards the casement, from whence two of

them made their escape; but the third, finding itself hard pressed by

the valour and back-strokes of the knight, flew at his face, and laid

fast hold on his nose with its teeth and claws. The pain of this assault

affected Don Quixote in such a manner, that he began to roar with vast

vociferation, which being heard by the duke and duchess, who guessed the

cause of his cries, they ran instantly to his chamber, which they opened

with a master-key; and lights being brought, they found the poor knight

endeavouring with all his strength to disengage the cat from his visage.

Seeing the unequal fray, they made haste to part the combatants; when

Don Quixote called aloud, ‘Let no man part us; but leave me hand to hand

with this dæmon, this wizard, this enchanter; and I will make him

sensible of the difference between him and me, who am Don Quixote de La

Mancha.’ The cat, however, without minding his threats, stuck fast to

his nose; but, at length, the duke tore it away, and threw it out at the

window; so that the knight remained with his face like a sieve, and his

nose in no very sound condition; though he was very much dissatisfied,

that they would not suffer him to finish the engagement he had so

obstinately maintained with that felonious enchanter.

Oil of Aparicio was immediately fetched, and Altisidora herself, with

her snowy hands, applied the balsam, saying in a low voice, as she bound

up his wounds, ‘All these misadventures befal thee, hard-hearted knight,

as a punishment for thy cruelty and disdain; and God grant thy squire

Sancho may forget to scourge himself, that they so much beloved Dulcinea

may never be disenchanted, nor thou enjoy her as a wedded wife; at

least, during the life of me, by whom thou art adored.’ To all this

apostrophe Don Quixote answered not a word; but, heaving a profound

sigh, laid himself along in his bed, and thanked their graces for this

instance of their concern; not that he was afraid of such a

cattish-enchanting and bell-ringing crew, but on account of the kind

intention they had manifested in coming to his relief. As for the duke

and duchess, they left him to his repose, and went away extremely sorry

for the unfortunate issue of his joke; for they did not think Don

Quixote would have suffered so terribly by the adventure, which cost him

five days confinement in his bed, where he was engaged in another still

more diverting, which, however, the historian will not at present

recount, that he may return to Sancho Panza, who proceeded in his

administration with equal pleasantry and solicitude.

CHAP. XV.

CONTAINING A FARTHER ACCOUNT OF SANCHO’S

BEHAVIOUR IN HIS GOVERNMENT.

The history relates, that from the town-hall Sancho Panza was conducted

to a sumptuous palace, in the great hall of which was a royal table,

most elegantly furnished. When the governor entered, the waits struck

up, and four pages came forth and presented him with water for his

hands, which he received with great solemnity; then the musick ceasing,

he took his place at the upper end of the table, which was accommodated

with one seat only, and a cover for himself alone: while close by him

stood a personage, who afterwards proved to be a physician, with a rod

of whalebone in his hand. They removed a very fine white cloth that

covered the fruit and a great variety of dishes. One who looked like a

student, said grace; a page tucked a laced bib under Sancho’s chin, and

another person, who acted the part of sewer, set a plate of fruit before

the governor; but scarce had he swallowed a mouthful, when the doctor

touching the said plate with his wand, it was snatched from him in a

twinkling: the sewer presented him with another dish, which the governor

resolved to prove; but, before he could finger or taste it, the plate

being also touched by the wand, one of the pages conveyed it away with

incredible dispatch, to the amazement of Sancho, who, looking round him,

asked if he must be obliged to eat like a juggler, by slight of hand!

To this interrogation he of the wand replied: ‘My lord governor must, in

eating, conform to the use and customs of other islands where governors

reside. I, my lord, enjoy a salary as physician to the governors of this

island, and take more care of their health than of my own; studying

night and day, and considering the governor’s constitution, that I may

be able to cure him, in case he should be taken ill; but the principal

part of my office is to be present at his meals, where I allow him to

eat what I think will agree with his complexion, and restrain him from

that which I conceive will be hurtful and prejudicial to his stomach. I

therefore ordered the fruit to be removed, because it is dangerously

moist; and likewise commanded the other dish to be conveyed away,

because it is extremely hot, as containing a number of spices which

create thirst, and copious drinking drowns and destroys the radical

moisture, which is the essence of life.’—‘By that way of reasoning,’

said Sancho, ‘that there dish of roasted partridges, which seems to be

very well seasoned; will do me no harm.’ To this hint the physician

replied: ‘Of these my lord governor shall not eat while there is breath

in my body.’—‘And pray for what reason?’ said the governor. ‘Because our

master Hippocrates, the north star and luminary of physic, expressly

says, in one of his aphorisms, “_Omnis saturatio mala, perdix autem

pessima_;” that is, All repletion is bad, but that with partridge worst

of all.’—‘If that be the case,’ said Sancho, ‘good Mr. Doctor, pray

examine all the messes on the table, so as to point out that which will

do me least harm and most good, that I may eat without fear of

conjuration; for, by the life of the governor, and as God shall prolong

it! I am ready to die of hunger; and to deny me victuals, even though

Signior Doctor should prescribe fasting, and say a thousand things in

its praise, will, instead of preserving my health, deprive me of life

entirely.’—‘Your lordship is very much in the right,’ replied the

physician: ‘and to begin, I would not have you touch these ragoo’d

rabbits, because they are a sharp haired food: of that veal, indeed, you

might pick, a little, if it was not roasted _a la daube_; but as it is,

touch it not.’—‘The dish that smokes yonder,’ said Sancho, ‘seems to be

an _olla podrida_, and considering the variety of ingredients of which

these _ollas_ are composed, surely I cannot fail to light on something

that will be both savoury and wholesome.’—‘_Absit!_’ cried the

physician, ‘far from us be such a thought. There is not a more

pernicious nutriment upon the face of the earth: leave your _ollas_ to

canons, rectors of colleges, and country weddings; but let them never

appear upon the tables of governors, where elegance and neatness ought

to reign. The reason is clear; at all times, in all places, and by all

the learned, simple medicines are more esteemed than those that are

compound: for in the first, no mistakes can be committed; whereas, in

the other, numberless errors may take place, in the quantity and

proportion of the ingredients; but what I would advise my lord governor

to eat at present, in order to preserve and corroborate his health, is

about a hundred confected wafers, and a few thin slices of quinces,

which will sit easy on his stomach, and assist digestion.’

Sancho, hearing this prescription, threw himself backwards in his chair,

and surveying the physician from head to foot, asked in a grave and

solemn tone, ‘What was his name, and where he had studied?’ To this

question, the other replied, ‘I, my lord governor, am called Doctor

Pedro Positive de Bodewell[188], native of a place called Snatchaway, on

the right hand between Caraquel and Almodobar del Campo; and I took my

doctor’s degree at the university of Ossuna.’ To this declaration Sancho

replied, in a rage, ‘Hark ye, then, Mr. Doctor Pedro Positive de

Bode-ill, native of Snatchaway, which is on the right hand as we go from

Caraquel to Almodobar del Campo, graduate of Ossuna, get out of my

presence this instant, or by the body of the sun! I will snatch up a

cudgel, and beginning with you, employ it in such a manner as not to

leave a physician on the whole island; of those, I mean, who are

ignorant fellows. As for the learned, virtuous, and discreet members of

the faculty, I will place them on my head, in token of respect, and

honour them as things divine. But, I say again, be gone, Doctor Pedro

Positive, or positively I will take up this chair on which I sit, and

make immediate application to your skull; and, should I be called to

account for it, when I resign my government, I will exculpate myself by

proving that I have done service to God, in slaying a wicked physician,

who was a scandal to the commonwealth. Let me have something to eat,

therefore, or take back your government; for a post that will not afford

victuals, is not worth a pease-cod.’

The doctor was frightened at seeing the governor in such a passion, and

was going to snatch himself away from his presence; when, at the very

instant, their ears were saluted with the noise of a post-boy’s horn in

the street; and the gentleman sewer going to the window, informed the

governor that there was a courier arrived from my lord duke, with some

dispatches of importance. Accordingly the messenger entered the hall,

sweating, with marks of consternation in his countenance; and taking a

packet out of his bosom, delivered it into the hands of the governor,

who gave it to the steward, with orders to read the superscription,

which ran thus: ‘To Don Sancho Panza, governor of the island Barataria,

to be delivered into his own hand, or that of his secretary.’ Sancho

hearing the direction, ‘Who is my secretary?’ said he. One of the people

who were present, answered, ‘I am secretary, my lord; for I can read and

write, and am a Biscayan.’—‘Nay, with that addition,’ said Sancho, ‘you

might be secretary to the emperor himself: open this packet, and see

what it contains.’ The new-born secretary obeyed the command; and having

perused the contents, told his excellency, it was business for his

private ear. Then Sancho ordered every body to quit the place, except

the steward and gentleman sewer: accordingly the rest retired, with the

doctor at their head: and the secretary recited the letter to this

effect—

‘I have received information, Signior Don Sancho Panza, that certain

enemies of mine and of the island, intend one of these nights, to

give you a furious assault; you will therefore be vigilant and

alert, that they may not find you unprepared. I am likewise

informed, by trusty spies, that four persons in disguise have

entered the town, with intention to take away your life, as they

dread the extent of your abilities: be upon your guard, therefore,

examine every person who comes to speak with you, and taste nothing

that comes in a present. I will take care to reinforce you, should

you stand in need of assistance; meanwhile, you will act in every

thing according to the good opinion I have of your understanding.

Your friend,

‘THE DUKE.

‘From my castle, August 16th,

at 4 in the morning.’

This epistle overwhelmed Sancho with astonishment, which the rest

pretended to share; and turning to the steward, ‘What is to be done,’

said he, ‘and that immediately, is to confine Doctor Positive in a

dungeon; for if any body has a design to take away my life, he is the

man; aye, and by the most pitiful, and worst of all deaths; namely,

hunger.’—‘True’ replied the gentleman sewer; ‘and, in my opinion, your

lordship ought not to eat any of the victuals now on the table, for they

were a present from certain nuns; and, as the saying is, The devil

skulks behind the cross.’—‘That is a truth not to be denied,’ said

Sancho; ‘but, in the mean time, let me have a luncheon of bread, and

about for pounds of raisins, which cannot be poisoned: for really and

truly, I cannot live without eating; and if we must be prepared for

those battles with which we are threatened, at least let us be well fed;

for the stomach supports the heart, and not the heart the stomach. You,

secretary must write an answer to my Lord Duke; and tell him his

commands shall be obeyed to a tittle. You shall likewise make my

compliments to my Lady Duchess, beseeching her, in my name, to remember

to send an express, with my letter and bundle, to my wife Teresa Panza;

in so doing she will lay me under great obligation, and I shall take

care to be her humble servant to the utmost of my power. By the bye, you

may thrust in a How d’ye to my master Don Quixote de La Mancha, that he

may see I am not of an ungrateful leaven; you may, as a faithful

secretary, and honest Biscayan, add what you shall think proper, and

most likely to turn out to advantage. At present, take away these

things, and let me have something to eat; and I shall manage any spies,

murderers, or inchanters, that may presume to attack me or my island.’

Here he was interrupted by a page, who, coming into the hall, told him

there was a countryman without, who wanted to speak with his lordship

upon some business of the utmost importance. ‘Those people of business

are strange fellows,’ said Sancho; ‘is it possible they are so ignorant,

as not to see that this is not a proper hour for the transaction of

business? Mayhap they think, we governors and judges are not made of

flesh and blood, and therefore require no time for refreshment, any more

than if we were created of marble. As I shall answer to God! if my

government holds, (though I begin to perceive it will not be of long

duration) I will sit upon the skirts of more than one of these men of

business[189]. At present, tell that honest man to come; but, first of

all, take care that he is not one of the spies or murderers.’—‘There is

no occasion, my lord,’ answered the page; ‘for he seems to be a simple

soul, and either I am very much mistaken, or he is as honest as a

well-weighed loaf.’—‘While we are present,’ said the steward, ‘there is

nothing to fear.’—‘Mr. Sewer,’ said Sancho, ‘now that Doctor Pedro

Positive is not here, might not I eat something substantial, even though

it should be nothing better than a luncheon of bread and an

onion?’—‘This night your supper shall make amends for the defect of

dinner, so as that your lordship shall be perfectly well pleased, and

satisfied,’ replied the sewer. ‘God grant I may be so!’ quoth the

governor.

At that instant the countryman entered the hall, of a goodly presence,

and indeed one might have seen that he was an honest soul, even at the

distance of a thousand leagues. The first thing he said, was, ‘Which of

all this company is my lord governor?’—‘Who should be governor,’ replied

the secretary, ‘but he who sits in the chair?’—‘Then, I humble myself

before him,’ said the peasant; who, falling on his knees, begged leave

to kiss his lordship’s hand. This request, however, Sancho would not

grant; but ordered him to rise and explain his business. Accordingly,

the countryman getting up, ‘My lord,’ said he, ‘I am a husbandman

belonging to Miguel Turra, a place about two leagues from Cividad

Real.’—‘What! have we got another Snatchaway?’ cried Sancho: ‘proceed,

brother; for I can tell you, that I am very well acquainted with Miguel

Turra, which is not far from our own village.’—‘This here, then, is the

case, my lord,’ said the countryman; ‘by the mercy of God, I was married

in peace, and in the face of the holy Roman Catholick church; and I have

two sons now at college, the youngest of whom is to be a batchelor, and

the elder is intended for a licentiate. I am a widower; for my wife

died, or rather she was killed by a wicked physician, who gave her a

purge when she was big with child; and, had it pleased God that the

fruit of her womb had come to light, and had been a boy, I would have

bred him up a doctor, that he might not have envied his brothers, the

batchelor and licentiate.’—‘So then,’ said Sancho, ‘if your wife had not

died, or been killed, in all likelihood you should not now be a

widower.’—‘No, my lord, by no manner of means,’ answered the countryman.

‘Agad!’ cried Sancho, ‘we are in a thriving way! Pray, go on, brother;

for this is an hour more proper for sleep than for business.’—‘Well,

then,’ replied the countryman, ‘this son of mine, who is to be bred a

batchelor, became enamoured of a young lady of the same town, called

Clara Paralina[190], daughter of Andrew Paralino, a very wealthy yeoman;

and this name of Paralino does not come from their pedigree, or any

family descent; but they have acquired it, because the whole race of

them is paralitick; and so, in order to improve the sound, they are

called Paralino; though to say the truth, the young lady is a perfect

oriental pearl, and when you look at her, on her right side, seems to be

a very flower of the field; on the left, indeed, she is not quite so

amiable, being blind of an eye, which she lost in the small-pox; and

although the pits in her face are very large and numerous, her admirers

say, that these are not pits, but graves, in which the hearts of her

lovers are buried. Then she is so cleanly, that to prevent her face from

being defiled, she carries her nose cocked up, as the saying is, so that

it seems to be running away from her mouth; yet, for all that, she is

extremely beautiful, for she has a very wide mouth, and if she did not

want some ten or a dozen teeth, might pass for a very phœnix of beauty.

Of her lips I shall say nothing; but they are so thin and delicate, that

if it was the custom to reel lips, they might be made up into a skein;

but as they are of a different colour from common lips, they appear

quite miraculous; for they contain a mixture of blue, green, and orange

tawny. My lord governor will pardon me for painting so exactly the parts

of her who is to be my daughter, for I love her exceedingly, and like to

dwell upon the subject.’—‘Paint what you will,’ said Sancho; ‘for my own

part I am hugely delighted with your description, and if I had dined,

should not desire a better desert than the picture you have

drawn.’—‘That shall be always at your service,’ replied the countryman;

‘and though we are not at present known to each other, the time will

come when we shall be better acquainted. And now, my lord, if I could

describe her genteel deportment, and tall stature, you would be struck

with admiration; but that is an impossible task, because she is so

doubled and bent, that her knees touch her mouth; and yet, for all that,

one may see with half an eye, that if she could stand upright, her head

would touch the cieling; and she would have given her hand in marriage

to my batchelor before this time, if she could have stretched it out,

but it happens to be shrunk and withered; though, by the long channelled

nails, one may easily perceive the beauty of its form and texture.’

‘Very well,’ said Sancho. ‘Now, brother, let us suppose you have painted

her from head to foot; tell me what is your request, and come to the

point, without going about the bush, through lanes and alleys with a

parcel of scraps and circumlocutions.’—‘Well then, my lord,’ replied the

countryman, ‘my request is, that you would give me a letter of

recommendation to the young lady’s father, entreating him to give his

consent to the match, as the parties are pretty equal in the gifts of

fortune, and of nature; for, to say the truth, my Lord Governor, my son

is possessed, and scarce a day passes, but he is three or four times

tormented by the foul fiend; and, in consequence of having once fallen

into the fire, his face is shrivelled up like a skin of parchment, and

his eyes are bleared, and run woundily; but yet he has the temper of an

angel, and if he did not beat and buffet himself, he would be a perfect

saint.’—‘Do you want any thing else, honest friend?’ replied Sancho. ‘I

did want something else,’ said the countryman, ‘but I dare not be so

bold as to mention it: but, out it shall go; for, take or not take, it

shall never rot in my belly. Why then, my lord, I wish your lordship

would bestow three or six hundred ducats, to help to set up my

batchelor; I mean, to furnish his house; for, the truth is, the young

couple are to live by themselves, without being subject to the

peevishness of us old folks.’—‘Consider if you want any thing else,’

said Sancho, ‘and speak without bashfulness or restraint.’—‘Truly, I

want nothing else,’ replied the countryman. Scarce had he pronounced

these words, when, the governor starting up, and laying hold on the

chair that was under him, exclaimed, ‘I vow to God, you Don lubberly,

rascally rustick, if you don’t get you gone, and abscond from my

presence this instant, I will with this chair demolish your scull, you

knavish son of a whore, and painter for the devil himself; is this a

time to come and demand six hundred ducats? Where the devil should I

find them, you stinkard? or, if I had found them, why the devil should I

give them to you, you idiotical scoundrel? What a pox have I to do with

Miguel Turra, or any of the generation of the Paralino’s? Be gone, I

say, or, by the life of my Lord Duke, I’ll be as good as my word; thou

art no native of Miguel Turra, but some fiend sent from hell to torment

me. Hark ye, miscreant, I have been governor but a day and a half, and

you would have me already in possession of six hundred ducats!’

The gentleman sewer made signs to the countryman to leave the place; and

he accordingly quitted the hall, hanging his head, and seemingly afraid

that the governor would execute his threats; for the rogue acted his

part to admiration. But let us leave Sancho’s indignation to cool, and

peace attend him in his career, while we return to Don Quixote, whom we

left with his face bandaged up for the cure of his cattish wounds, which

were not healed in the space of eight days; and in that time an

adventure happened to him, which Cid Hamet promises to recount, with

that truth and punctuality he has hitherto maintained, in recording even

the most trivial and minute incidents of this authentick history.

Footnote 188:

The Spanish name is Pedro Rezio de Aguero; which, together with Tirte

Afuera, the place of his nativity, I have translated into English,

that the humour may be better understood.

Footnote 189:

The original _Ponga en pretina_, signifies, I will put in my girdle.

Footnote 190:

She is in the original called Perlerina, which I have changed into

Paralina, in order to preserve the subsequent play on the words.

CHAP. XVI.

OF DON QUIXOTE’S ADVENTURE WITH DONNA RODRIGUEZ, THE DUCHESS’S

DUENNA—AND OTHER INCIDENTS WORTHY OF ETERNAL FAME.

Exceedingly peevish and melancholy was the sore wounded Don Quixote,

with his face bandaged and marked; not by the hand of his Maker, but by

the claws of a cat; and, indeed, such misfortunes are annexed to

chivalry. Six days did he remain in his chamber, without appearing in

publick; and during this time it was, that one night, while he lay

watchful and awake, musing upon his disaster, and the persecution of

Altisidora, he heard a key turning in the door of his apartment, and

straight imagined the enamoured damsel was come to surprize his

chastity, and tempt him to forego the fidelity he owned to his mistress

Dulcinea del Toboso. On this supposition, he pronounced with an audible

voice, ‘No! the greatest beauty upon earth shall never have such an

effect as to interfere with my adoration of her, who is impressed and

engraved in the midst of my heart, and in the depth of my bowels! No, my

dear mistress! whether thou art transformed into a garlick-eating wench,

or as a nymph of the golden Tagus, art weaving webs of gold and silver

twist: whether thou art in the power of Merlin or Montesinos;

wheresoever thou mayest be, mine thou art, and wheresoever I am, I must

be thine.’ This ejaculation being uttered, just as the door opened, he

stood upright in his bed, wrapped up in a quilt of yellow silk, with a

woollen night-cap on his head, his face and whiskers being bound up; the

first, on account of the scratches he had received, and the last, in

order to preserve the buckle; and in this equipage, he appeared the most

extraordinary phantom that the imagination can conceive. His eyes were

fixed upon the door, and when he expected to see the yielding and

afflicted Altisidora enter, he beheld a most reverend duenna, with a

white hemmed veil, so long as to cover her from head to foot. Between

the fingers of her left hand she held a lighted candle’s end, and with

her right she formed a shade to keep the glare from her eyes, which were

furnished with large spectacles; and, in this trim, she came treading

very softly, and moving her feet with great tranquillity as she

advanced. Don Quixote surveyed her from his post, and marking her

silence and appearance, concluded she was some hag or sorceress, come in

that equipage to annoy him; and, in this opinion, he began to cross

himself with great eagerness and devotion. The apparition advancing to

the middle of the chamber, and lifting up its eyes, perceived the knight

busily employed in these devout precautions: if he was afraid at sight

of her, she was no less terrified at his figure; for seeing him so tall

and yellow, wrapped up in the quilt, and disfigured by the bandages, she

cried aloud, ‘O Jesus! what do I see?’ and in the surprize dropped the

candle. Finding herself now in the dark, she attempted to make her

retreat, and treading upon her own skirts in the confusion of her fear,

she stumbled and fell to the ground: while Don Quixote, sweating with

terror, began to ejaculate, ‘I conjure thee, O phantom! or whatever thou

mayest be, to tell me who thou art, and what thou would’st have. If thou

art a perturbed spirit, let me know, and I will do all that lies in my

power to give thee relief; for I am a catholick Christian, well-disposed

to befriend all mankind; and, in consequence of this disposition, I

received the order of knight-errantry, which I now profess, and the

exercise of that profession extends even so far as to give assistance to

souls in purgatory.’

The duenna, bruised as she was with her fall; hearing herself

exercised in this manner, guessed from her own fear the terrors of Don

Quixote, and in a low and plaintive tone replied, ‘Signior Don

Quixote, I am no phantom, apparition, or soul in purgatory, as your

worship seems to suppose, but Donna Rodriguez, chief duenna to my Lady

Duchess, and I come with one of those necessitous cases which your

worship is wont to remedy.’—‘Pray, tell me, Signora Donna Rodriguez,’

said Don Quixote, ‘are you come in the office of a go-between?

because, I would have you to know, that I am altogether unfit for any

such commerce, thanks to the peerless beauty of my own mistress

Dulcinea del Toboso. Finally, I say unto you, Signora Donna Rodriguez,

if you will suppress, and lay aside all amorous messages, you may go

and light your candle, and return; and we will discourse upon any

subject you shall think proper to introduce, saving, as I have already

observed, all your dainty incitements.’—‘Signior,’ answered the

duenna, ‘I carry messages for no person. Your worship is but little

acquainted with my character. Nor am I so stricken in years as to take

to those fooleries; for, God be praised! there is still some soul in

my body, and my teeth, grinders and all, are still in my head, except

a very few I have lost by the rheums that are so rife in this country

of Arragon; but, if your worship will wait a minute, I will go and

light my candle, and return in an instant, and then I shall recount my

disaster to you, as the physician of all disasters upon earth.’

So saying, she, without waiting for an answer, quitted the apartment,

where the knight waited for her, in the utmost suspence and concern;

then being assaulted by a thousand reflections upon this new adventure,

he began to think it would be very indiscreet, even so much as to dream

of exposing himself to the danger of breaking his fidelity to his own

mistress. ‘Who knows,’ said he to himself, ‘but the devil, who is

equally crafty and dextrous, intends at present to seduce me by means of

a duenna, after having in vain attempted me with empresses, queens,

duchesses, marquisses, and countesses? for I have often heard it

observed by a number of people of good understanding, that he will never

give you an high nose, if a flat nose will serve your turn, and who

knows but this solitude, opportunity, and silence, may waken those

desires in me, which are now asleep, and compel me at these years to

fall, where hitherto I never so much as stumbled? In such emergencies,

it is surely better to avoid than await the battle. And yet, I must

certainly be deprived of my senses, to talk and think at this rate; for

it is absolutely impossible, that a long, meagre, white veiled, and

spectacled duenna, should move or excite a lascivious thought in the

lewdest bosom upon earth. Is there, for example, a duenna in nature who

has a tolerable person? Is there a duenna upon this our globe who is not

wrinkled, loathsome, and impertinent? Avaunt, then, ye duennian tribe,

unfit for any human entertainment! Praise be to that lady who is said to

have had at one end of her sopha two marble duennas, with their

spectacles and bobbin cushions in the attitude of working; and these

statues fulfilled the dignity of the apartment, as well as if they had

been duennas of flesh and blood.’

So saying, he started from his bed, with intention to lock the door, and

deny admittance to Signora Rodriguez; but, before he could execute his

resolution, that lady had returned with a lighted wax taper, and seeing

Don Quixote so near her, with his quilt, bandages, night cap, or hood,

she was again affrighted, and retired backwards a couple of paces,

saying, ‘Am I safe, Sir knight? for your worship’s getting out of bed is

no great sign of virtue, methinks.’—‘Madam,’ replied Don Quixote, ‘I

ought to ask you the same question; and I do accordingly ask, whether or

not I am safe from assault and ravishment?’—‘Of whom, or from whom, do

you demand that security, Sir Knight?’ said the duenna.

‘Of you, and from you, and you alone,’ answered Don Quixote: ‘for I am

not made of marble, nor you of brass; nor is it now ten o’clock in the

forenoon, but midnight, and something more, if I am not mistaken; and we

are here in a more close and secret apartment than in the cave in which

the treacherous and daring Æneas enjoyed the beautiful and

tender-hearted Dido: yet give me your hand, Madam; for I require no

other security than my own reserve and continence, together with the

appearance of that most reverend veil.’

So saying, he kissed his right-hand; and took hold of hers, which she

presented with the like ceremony.

Here Cid Hamet, in a parenthesis, swears by Mahomet, that to have seen

these two originals thus linked, and walking from the door to the bed,

he would have given the best of his two jackets.

At length Don Quixote slipped into bed, and Donna Rodriguez seated

herself in a chair at some distance from it, without quitting her

spectacles or candle; then the knight shrunk under the clothes, with

which he covered himself in such a manner that nothing but his face

appeared; and both parties having composed themselves, the first who

broke silence was Don Quixote, who accosted her in these words: ‘Now,

Madam Duenna Rodriguez, you may unrip and unload all that lies upon your

sorrowful heart and afflicted bowels; and I shall listen to your

grievances with chaste ears, and redress them with generous works.’—‘I

believe as much,’ said the duenna: ‘for, from the genteel and agreeable

presence of your worship, I could expect no other than such a christian

reply.’

‘This, then, is the case, Signior Don Quixote; although your worship now

sees me seated in this chair, in the midst of Arragon, and in the dress

of a contemptible and injured duenna, I was born in the Asturias of

Oviedo, of a family which intermarried with many of the best in that

province; but my niggardly fate, and the extravagance of my parents, who

came to untimely want, without knowing how or wherefore, drove me to the

court of Madrid, where, for the sake of peace, and in order to prevent

greater misfortunes, my parents provided me with the place of

needle-woman, in the service of a lady of quality; and, I would have

your worship to know, that in making knitting-sheaths and plain-work, no

person had ever the advantage of me in the whole course of my life. As

for my parents, after they had seen me settled in this place, they

returned to the country, and in a few years went to heaven; for they

were exceeding good catholick Christians. Meanwhile, I was left an

orphan, stinted to the wretched salary, and pitiful wages, commonly

given to such servants in great families: and so, about that time, a

squire of the house fell in love with me, though I am sure I gave him no

occasion. He was a man already well stricken in years, with a venerable

beard, and of a comely appearance, and besides, as good a gentleman as

the king, for he was a mountaineer. We did not correspond so secretly

but our intrigue came to the knowledge of my lady; who, waving all

questions and commands, caused us to be married in peace and in the face

of our holy mother the Roman catholick church. The fruit of this

marriage was a daughter, who was the death of my good fortune, if any

such I had: not that I died in child-bed; on the contrary, I was safely

and seasonably delivered; but because, soon after that event, my poor

husband died of a fright; and if I had now time to recount the manner, I

know your worship would be struck with admiration.’

Here she began to weep most bitterly, and thus proceeded: ‘Your worship,

Signior Don Quixote, will pardon me for not being able to contain

myself, for as often as I remember my unfortunate husband, mine eyes run

over. God be my comfort! with what dignity did he ride before my lady,

on a mighty mule as black as jet; for, at that time, they did not use

coaches or chairs, which, they say, are now in fashion; and the ladies

always rode behind their squires. This one circumstance, however, I

cannot help recounting, because it demonstrates the good breeding and

punctilio of my worthy spouse. One day, as he entered the street of St.

Jago, in Madrid, which is but narrow, he happened to meet a judge,

preceded by two of his officers; and my good squire no sooner beheld

him, than he turned his mule in order to attend his worship. My lady,

who sat behind him, said in a whisper, “Blockhead, what are you going to

do? Don’t you know that I am here?” while the judge, out of politeness,

stopped his horse, saying, “Pray proceed, Signior; for, it is rather my

duty to attend my Lady Donna Casilda,” that was the name of my mistress.

Nevertheless, my husband still persisted, with his cap in hand, in his

resolution to attend the judge; and my lady, enraged at his obstinacy,

pulled out a large pin, or rather, I believe, a bodkin, from her

tweezer-case, and thrust it into his loins; so that my poor man roared

aloud, and writhed his body in such a manner, that both he and my lady

came to the ground. Her two lacquies ran immediately to lift her up, and

were assisted by the judge and his officers. The whole gate of

Guadalajara, (I mean, the idle people about it) were in an uproar: my

lady came home a-foot; and my husband hastened to a surgeon, declaring

he was thrust through the bowels. His great courtesy soon became

publick, insomuch that the very children mocked him in the street; for

which reason, and because he was a little short-sighted, my lady

dismissed him from her service; and he took his dismission so much to

heart, that I am positively certain it was the cause of his death. Thus

was I left a forlorn widow, with a daughter upon my hands, who, as she

grew up, increased in beauty, like the foam of the sea. In a word, as I

had the character of being an excellent needle-woman, my Lady Duchess,

who was just then married to my Lord Duke, carried me and my daughter,

without more ado, along with her to this kingdom of Arragon; where, in

process of time, my child improved in all manner of accomplishments; she

sings like any sky lark, dances light as thought, cuts a caper as if she

was mad, reads and writes like a school-master, and casts accounts like

a miser. I say nothing of her cleanliness, for the running water is not

more pure; and if my memory does not fail me, she is now sixteen years,

five months, and three days, perhaps one over or under. In a word, this

maiden of mine captivated the son of a rich farmer, who lives in a

village not far from hence, belonging to my Lord Duke; and so, the young

couple meeting, I know not where nor how, he, under promise of marriage,

played the rogue with my daughter, and refuses to perform his promise;

and although my Lord Duke is well acquainted with the affair; for you

must know, I complained to him—not once, but divers and sundry times,

desiring he would order the young farmer to take my daughter to wife; he

lends a deaf ear to my complaint, and indeed will scarce give me a

hearing, because, forsooth, the young rogue’s father is extremely rich,

and lends him money; nay, becomes surety for him when he happens to be

in trouble; so that he will by no manner of means give him the least

umbrage or disgust. Now, dear Sir, my request is, that your worship

would undertake to redress this grievance, either by entreaty or force

of arms; for, as all the world says, your worship was born for such

purposes, to rectify wrongs, and protect the wretched. And I beg your

worship will consider the orphan state of my daughter, her gentility,

her youth, and all those good qualities which I have told you she

possesses: for in the light of Heaven, and in my own conscience, I dare

aver, that of all the damsels belonging to my Lady Duchess, there is not

one that comes up to the sole of her shoe: and though she whom they call

Altisidora, is reckoned the most sprightly and good-humoured, when

compared to my daughter, she does not come within two leagues of her;

for, your worship must know, Signior, all is not gold that glitters.

This same creature, Altisidora, has more forwardness than beauty, and

more airiness than modesty; besides, she is not over and above

wholesome; her breath has such a flavour that nobody can be near her;

no, not for a moment; and even my Lady Duchess—but, mum for that! Walls

have ears, as the saying is.’

‘What of my Lady Duchess?’ cried Don Quixote. ‘Signora Donna Rodriguez,

I conjure you tell me, by the life of my soul.’—‘Nay, if you conjure me

in that manner,’ answered the duenna, ‘I cannot help telling the truth.

Signior Don Quixote your worship has, no doubt, perceived the beauty of

my Lady Duchess; that freshness of complexion that shines like polished

steel, those cheeks of milk and crimson, with the sun on one side, and

the moon on the other, and that gaiety with which she treads, or rather

disdains the ground, seeming to diffuse health and joy wheresoever she

walks. Well, then, your worship must know, that she may thank God, in

the first place; and, secondly, two issues in her legs, that discharge

the bad humours with which the doctors say she abounds.’—‘Blessed

Virgin!’ cried the knight, ‘is it possible that my Lady Duchess should

have occasion for such sluices? I would hardly believe the bare-footed

friars, should they make the assertion; yet, since Donna Rodriguez avers

it, there is no reason to doubt, but from those issues, surely nothing

but liquid amber can flow; and, in good sooth, I am now fully convinced

that the use of issues must be a matter of great importance to the

preservation of health.’

Scarce had Don Quixote pronounced these words, when the chamber door

flew open, with a sudden slap, which surprized and disordered the duenna

to such a degree, that she dropped the candle, and in a moment the

apartment was dark as a dog’s mouth, as the saying is. Immediately, the

poor duenna felt her throat assaulted by two hands, which pressed it so

close that she could not speak: while another person, with incredible

dispatch, and in great silence, turned up her petticoats, and with

something like a flipper, began to make such application to her

posterior parts, that she was in a most piteous taking. Although Don

Quixote compassionated her case, he stirred not from his bed, as he did

not know the nature of the assault, but lay snug and silent, in great

fear that the same discipline would come round and sound to his own

carcase. Nor was his apprehension altogether groundless; for the silent

executioners having severely flogged the duenna, who durst not complain,

advanced to Don Quixote; and stripping off the sheets and the quilt,

pinched him so fast and so smartly, that he could not forbear defending

himself by dint of fist; and the whole affair was transacted in

wonderful silence. The battle having lasted about half an hour, the

phantoms vanished, Donna Rodriguez adjusted her petticoats, and groaning

over her misfortune, sneaked away, without speaking a syllable to the

knight, who remained alone, full of pains and pinches, sorrow and

confusion. And here we will leave him, burning with desire to knew who

the perverse inchanter was, who had used him in such a cruel manner; but

that secret shall be revealed in due season. Meanwhile we are summoned

by Sancho Panza; and the excellent plan of our history obliges us to

obey his call.

CHAP. XVII.

OF WHAT HAPPENED TO SANCHO PANZA, IN GOING THE ROUND OF HIS ISLAND.

We left the great governor out of humour, and enraged at the same

painting country wag, who had received his cue from the duke’s steward

and gentleman-sewer, sent thither on purpose to make merry at his

expence: nevertheless, he held out toughly against the whole

combination, Rude, and brood, and simple as he stood; and addressing

himself to all present, and among the rest to Doctor Pedro Positive,

who, after the duke’s letter was read, had returned to the hall, ‘Now,’

said he, ‘I am fully convinced that judges and governors are, or ought

to be, made of brass, so as that they may not feel the importunity of

people of business, who expect to be heard, and dispatched, at all hours

and at all seasons, come what will, attending only to their own affairs;

and if the poor devil of a judge does not hear and dispatch them, either

because it is not in his power, or it happens to be an unseasonable time

for giving audience, then they grumble and backbite, gnaw him to the

very bones, and even bespatter his whole generation. Ignorant man of

business! foolish man of business! be not in such a violent hurry; wait

for the proper season and conjuncture, and come not at meals and

sleeping time; for judges are made of flesh and blood, and must give to

nature that which nature requires, excepting myself, unhappy wretch that

I am! who cannot indulge my appetite, thanks to Doctor Pedro Positive

Snatchaway here present, who intends that I shall die of hunger, and

affirms that such a death is good living, which I pray God may fall to

the share of him and all of his kidney! I mean, bad physicians; as for

the good, they deserve palms and laurel.’

Every body who knew Sancho was struck with admiration at hearing him

talk so elegantly, and could not account for his improvement any other

way, than by supposing that posts and places of importance enlarge the

faculties of some, while they stupefy the understanding of others.

Finally, Doctor Pedro Positive Bodewell de Snatchaway promised to

indulge his excellency with a plentiful supper at night, even though he

should transgress all the aphorisms of Hippocrates. The governor rested

satisfied with this declaration, waiting for the approach of night and

supper with great impatience; and although time seemed to stand

stock-still, the wished for hour at length arrived, when they treated

him with an hachis of beef well onioned, and some calves feet not very

fresh: nevertheless, he attacked these dishes with more relish than if

he had been served with Milan godwits, Roman pheasants, Sorrento veal,

partridges of Moron, or geese of Lavajos: and, in the midst of supper,

turning towards his physician, ‘Take notice, doctor,’ said he, ‘that

from henceforth you need not take the trouble to provide dainties and

delicate dishes for me; they will only serve to unhinge my stomach,

which is used to goats flesh, cow beef, and bacon, with turnips and

onions; and, if by accident it chances to receive any of your titbits,

it contains them with loathing, and sometimes throws them up: but,

Master Sewer may bring me those dishes called _olla podridas_[191]; and

the staler they are, so much the better. In one of these he may croud

and cram all the eatables he can think of, and I will thank him for his

pains; nay, one day or other, I shall make him amends; and let no man

play the rogue with me: either we are or we are not; let us live and eat

in harmony and peace; for, when God sends the morning, the light shines

upon all. I will govern this island without favour or corruption: and

let every body keep a good look-out, and mind his own affairs; for, I

would have you to know, the devil’s in the dice[192]; and if you give me

cause, you shall see wonders—yes, yes; make yourself honey, and the

flies will bite.’

‘Assuredly, my lord governor,’ said the steward, ‘your lordship hath

said nothing but the truth; and I promise, in the name of all the

islanders of this island, to serve your lordship with perfect love,

benevolence, and punctuality: for, the agreeable sample of government

which your lordship hath given in the beginning, leaves us no room to

do, or even to conceive, any thing that shall redound to the disgust and

detriment of your honour.’—‘I believe what you say,’ replied Sancho;

‘and indeed they must be fools to think or act any otherwise. And I say

again, let the maintenance of me and my Dapple be taken care of; for

that is the main point in this business: and when the time comes, let us

go and make the round; my intention is to clear the island from all sort

of filth, such as vagabonds, idlers, and immoral people; for I would

have you to know, my friends, that your idle and lazy fellows are the

same in a commonwealth as drones in a bee-hive, that consume the honey

which the industrious labourers have made. My resolution is to protect

the farmers and handicrafts-men, maintain the prerogative of gentlemen,

reward virtue; and, above all things, respect religion and the honour of

the clergy. Tell me, my friends, what is your opinion of my plan? Does

it smack of something? or do I thresh my skull to no purpose?’—‘My lord

governor,’ said the steward, ‘your lordship speaks so much to the

purpose, that I am struck with admiration, to hear a man so illiterate

as your lordship (for I believe you do not know your letters) make so

many observations full of sagacity, and give counsel so much above every

thing that was expected from your lordship’s capacity, by those who sent

us, as well as by ourselves who are come hither. Every day produces

something new: jokes are turned into earnest, and the biters are bit.’

Night being come, and the governor having supped with the good leave of

Doctor Pedro, they prepared for going the round. Accordingly his

excellency went forth, accompanied by the steward, notary,

gentleman-sewer, and historiographer, whose office it was to record his

actions; and attended by such a number of alguazils and scriveners, as

would have formed a moderate squadron. Sancho walked in the middle with

his rod, and a goodly sight he was to see. Having traversed a few

streets, they heard the clashing of swords, upon which hastening to the

place of action, they found two men fighting, who, seeing the officers

of justice, desisted; and one of them exclaimed, ‘Help, in God’s name,

and the king’s! What, are people suffered to be robbed in this town, and

assaulted in the very middle of the street?’—‘Compose yourself, honest

friend,’ said Sancho, ‘and let me know the cause of this quarrel, for I

am governor.’ Then his adversary interposing, ‘My lord governor,’ said

he, ‘I will tell you the whole story in a few words: Your worship must

know, that this gentleman has been at play at that gaming-house over the

way, where he has won above a thousand rials, and God knows how fairly;

now, I being present, decided more than once in his favour, when the

bett was doubtful, against the dictates of my own conscience. He took up

his winning, and when I expected he would gratify me with a crown at

least, for good will, as players generally make such presents to men of

honour like me, who attend in those places, ready at all adventures to

support unreasonable demands, and prevent disturbance, he pocketed the

cash, and went away; I followed him out of humour, yet in the most

courteous manner begged he would indulge me with eight rials, as he knew

me to be a gentleman without either business or fortune; for my parents

neither bred me up to the one, nor left me the other; and the rascal,

who, by the bye, is as great a thief as Cacus, and as arrant a sharper

as Andradilla, would not give me a farthing more than four rials; so

that, my lord governor, your excellency may perceive what a shameless

and unconscionable rogue it is: but in good faith, if your lordship had

not come up, I would have made him disgorge his winning, and taught him

how to trim the balance.’ When Sancho asked what the other had to say in

his own defence, he owned that, as his adversary alledged, he had

refused to give him more than four rials, because the plaintiff had

often tasted of his bounty; and those who expect such gratifications,

ought to be thankful, and take chearfully what their benefactors bestow,

without pretending to make peremptory demands upon those who win, unless

they know them to be cheats, and that their winning is unfairly

acquired. He likewise observed, that there could be no surer mark of his

honour and fair play, than his having refused to comply with the demands

of such a rascal; for sharpers are always tributary to those lookers-on

who know their knavery. ‘The remark is certainly just,’ said the

steward: ‘how will your excellency please to dispose of these

men?’—‘What must be done, is this,’ replied the governor: ‘You, Mr.

Winner, whether you be good, bad, or indifferent, must immediately pay

to this here slash-buckler, one hundred rials; and, besides, disburse

thirty more for the use and behoof of the poor prisoners—and you, Sir,

who have neither business, fortune, or employment in this island, take

these hundred rials, and some time to-morrow banish yourself from this

island for the space of ten years, on penalty (if you disobey the

sentence) of compleating the term of your exile in the other world; for,

in that case, I will hang you on a gibbet; at least, the executioner

shall do it by my order; and let no man presume to reply, or I will

chastise him severely.’ The one disbursed, the other received the rials;

this quitted the island, that retired to his own lodgings; and the

governor, who remained on the spot, said to his followers, ‘If my power

is not very small, I will suppress those gaming-houses, which I begin to

perceive are very prejudicial to the publick.’—‘This, at least,’ said

the notary, ‘your excellency cannot suppress; for it is kept by a person

of quality, who, in the course of the year, loses a great deal more than

he gets by the cards. Against petty gaming-houses of small account,

which are productive of most mischief, and cover more crimes, your

lordship may exert your authority; but, in the houses of noblemen and

gentlemen of rank, the noted sharpers dare not put their tricks in

practice; and since the vice of gaming is become a common exercise,

better play in houses of fashion than in any publick gaming-house, into

which an unfortunate wretch is often seduced in the middle of the night,

and as it were skinned alive.’—‘Mr. Notary,’ replied the governor, ‘much

may be said on that subject.’

Here he was interrupted by the arrival of a serjeant who had fast hold

of a youth, and thus addressed himself to the governor: ‘This spark, my

lord, was coming towards us; but no sooner had a glimpse of the officers

of justice, than he turned his back, and began to scamper off as nimbly

as a fallow-deer; a sure sign of his being some sort of a delinquent: I

pursued him immediately, but should never have overtaken him, had not he

stumbled and fallen.’—‘Young man,’ said Sancho, ‘what did you run for?’

To this question the youth replied, ‘I ran, my lord, in order to avoid

the tedious interrogations of justice.’—‘What business do you

follow?’—‘I am a weaver.’—‘And what sort of stuff do you weave?’—‘Iron

heads for lances, with your honour’s leave.’—‘What! you are a small wit,

methinks, and set up for a joker! Very well, Sir, and where was you

going now?’—‘To take the air, my lord.’—‘And whereabouts do you take the

air in this island?’—‘Just where it happens to blow.’—‘Good again! your

answers are pat; and, to be sure, you are a pretty smart young fellow:

but, hark ye, youngster, I am the air that will blow in your poop, until

you are safely lodged in prison.—Here, take and order him to gaol, I

will take order that he shall sleep for one night without air.’—‘’Fore

God!’ cried the youth, ‘your honour can no more make me sleep in gaol,

than you can make me king.’—‘And wherefore cannot I make thee sleep in

gaol?’ replied Sancho; ‘is it not in my power to confine and release

thee, when and where I please!’—‘How great soever your honour’s power

may be,’ said the young man, ‘it is not sufficient to make me sleep in

prison.’—‘How! not sufficient?’ cried Sancho: ‘away with him, and let

his own eyes convince him of his mistake; and lest the gaoler should

practise his interested generosity upon him, I will fine him in two

thousand ducats, if he suffers thee to move one step from the

prison.’—‘All this is matter of mirth,’ answered the youth; ‘for the

truth is, all the people upon earth shall not make me sleep in

prison.’—‘Tell me, devil,’ said Sancho, ‘hast thou got a familiar to

release thee, and loose the chains with which I intend thou shalt be

fettered?’—‘Now, my lord governor,’ replied the youth with a graceful

air, ‘let us argue the matter, and come to the point. Suppose your

excellency should order me to be carried to gaol, to be loaded with

chains and shackles, and thrust into a dungeon, and lay an heavy penalty

upon the gaoler, in case he should allow me to escape; and lastly,

suppose he should perform his duty with all imaginable care and success;

notwithstanding all these precautions, if I have no inclination to

sleep, and can keep myself awake all night, without closing an eye, pray

tell me, is all your lordship’s power sufficient to make me sleep

against my will?’—‘No, surely,’ said the secretary; ‘and the young man

has made good his assertion.’—‘Provided always,’ said Sancho, ‘that your

defying sleep would be merely for your own pleasure, without any

intention to contradict mine.’—‘No, my lord,’ replied the youth; ‘I

never dreamt of any such intention.’—‘Then, peace be with you,’ resumed

the governor, ‘you may go and sleep at home, and God send you a sound

sleep, for I have no design to disturb your repose: but let me advise

you, never henceforth to crack a joke upon justice; otherwise you may

chance to light upon some of her ministers that will crack your scull.’

The youth went away, the governor continued his circuit; and he had not

gone far, when two serjeants brought in a person they had taken, saying,

‘My lord governor, this here person that seems to be a man, is no other

than a woman, and that not ugly neither, in man’s cloaths.’ Here they

held up two or three lanthorns, by the light of which they discovered

the face of a woman, seemingly about sixteen years of age, beautiful as

a thousand pearls, with her hair tied up in a net of green silk and

gold. Having surveyed her from head to foot, they perceived her

stockings were of flesh coloured silk, tied with garters of white

taffeta, and fringes of gold embroidery; her breeches were of green

cloth of gold; she had a loose coat of the same stuff, under which she

wore a jacket of the finest brocade; and her shoes were white, and made

like those used by men. She had no sword about her, but a very rich

dagger, and upon her fingers were a great number of valuable rings: in a

word, all who beheld the girl were struck with her appearance, though

not one of them knew her face; and the inhabitants of the town said they

could not conceive who she was. But those who concerted the jokes that

were practised upon Sancho were most struck with admiration; for this

incident and salvage was not of their contriving; and therefore they

stood in suspence, waiting to see the issue of the adventure; while

Sancho, confounded at the girl’s beauty, asked who she was, whither she

was going, and what had induced her to appear in the habit of a man.

She, fixing her eyes upon the ground, with the most engaging

bashfulness, replied, ‘My lord, I cannot disclose, in such a publick

company, what it concerns me so much to conceal. One circumstance I beg

leave to communicate: I am no thief or criminal person; but an

unfortunate young lady, compelled by jealousy to trespass upon that

decorum which is due to my honour and reputation.’

The steward hearing these words, said to Sancho, ‘My lord governor, be

so good as to bid the people retire, that this lady may disburden her

mind with more freedom.’ The governor accordingly laid his commands upon

his attendants, all of whom retired, except the steward, the gentleman

sewer, and the secretary; and the young lady, finding they were gone,

proceeded to this effect: ‘Gentlemen, I am the daughter of Pedro Perez

Mazorca, farmer of the wool in this town, who comes frequently to my

father’s house.’—‘Madam,’ said the steward, ‘this will not go down. I am

very well acquainted with Pedro Perez, and know he has neither chick nor

child, male or female; besides, you first say he is your father, and

then add, he frequently comes to your father’s house.’—‘That

circumstance I likewise took notice of,’ said Sancho. ‘Well, gentlemen,’

replied the damsel, ‘I am in such confusion, that I know not what to

say, but the truth is, I am the daughter of Diego de Llana, whom you

must all know.’—‘Aye, this goes better,’ answered the steward; ‘Diego de

Llana is my acquaintance, and a gentleman of rank and fortune; I know,

too, he has a son and daughter; though, since he was a widower, no

person in this town can pretend to say he ever saw the face of his

daughter, whom her father keeps so closely shut up, that the sun himself

has no opportunity to behold her; and yet, report says she is extremely

beautiful.’—‘True,’ said the damsel; ‘I am that very daughter, and

whether or not fame has belyed me in point of beauty, you yourselves,

gentlemen, may judge from your own observation.’ So saying, she began to

weep most tenderly.

The secretary perceiving her distress, said to the sewer in a whisper,

‘Doubtless, something of consequence must have happened to this poor

young lady, seeing a person of her quality quits her own home at such an

hour, and in such an equipage.’—‘Certainly,’ replied the other, ‘that

suspicion is confirmed by her tears.’ As for Sancho, he consoled her in

the best terms he could use, and desired that she would, without fear or

constraint, communicate what had befallen her; for they would endeavour

to remedy her disaster with great sincerity, and by all possible means.

‘This, then, is the case, gentlemen,’ answered the damsel: ‘my father

has locked me up for the space of ten years, which are elapsed since my

mother was committed to her grave: there is in the house a rich oratory

where mass is said; and, in all that time, I have seen nothing but the

sun in the heavens by day, and the moon and stars by night. I am utterly

unacquainted with the streets, squares, churches, and all mankind,

except my father, my brother, and Pedro Perez, the wool farmer, whom,

because he comes frequently to our house, I took it in my head to call

my father, in order to conceal the name of my real parent. I have been

very disconsolate for many days and months, on account of this

confinement, and his constant refusal to let me go to church; I longed

to see the world, at least the town in which I first drew breath; and I

did not think this desire transgressed the bounds of that decorum which

young women of fashion ought to preserve. When I heard of bull-feasts,

darting the javelin, and plays, I desired my brother, who is a year

younger than myself, to describe the nature of these and many other

things which I had not seen, and he gratified my desire to the utmost of

his power; but his description served only to inflame my impatience to

behold those spectacles: in a word, to cut short the account of my ruin,

I say, I desired and intreated my brother—would to God I had never

desired or intreated him!’

And here she renewed her lamentation; when the steward interposing,

‘Madam,’ said he, ‘be so good as to proceed, and finish the story of

your adventure; for your own words and tears keep us all in the utmost

suspence.’—‘I have little else to say,’ replied the damsel, ‘though a

great many tears to shed; for such irregular desires are always, without

fail, attended by such misfortunes.’

The beauty of this damsel having made an impression on the soul of the

gentleman sewer, he once more held up the lanthorn to take another view,

and the tears she let fall, he took to be seed-pearl, or the dew-drops

of the meadow; nay, his fancy even compared them to oriental pearls, and

he ardently wished that her misfortunes might not appear so great as her

sighs and lamentation seemed to indicate.

The governor being tired of the dilatory manner in which the girl told

her story, desired she would keep them no longer in suspence; for it was

late, and they had a great part of their round still to perform. Then

she, in the midst of interrupted sobbings and broken sighs, proceeded

thus: ‘My misfortune and my disaster is nothing else than this; I begged

my brother to disguise me in one of his suits, and carry me out to see

the town, some night while my father should be asleep; he, importuned by

my intreaties, complied with my request, and gave me this dress, while

he himself put on a suit of mine, which fits him to a nicety; for he has

not one hair upon his chin, and looks exactly like a very handsome girl.

This night, about an hour ago, little more or less, we sallied forth

from our own house; and conducted by our foot-boy, and our own unruly

desire, went round the whole town; but, when we wanted to return home

again, we perceived a great number of people coming up, and my brother

said, “Sister, this must be the patrole; quicken your pace, put wings to

your feet, and run after me, that they may not know who we are,

otherwise we shall be in evil taking.” So saying, he took to his heels,

and began—not to run, but to fly; but scarce had I followed him six

paces, when I fell through fear, and then came the officers of justice,

who brought me before your lordship, where, in consequence of my foolish

and rash conduct, I find myself confounded and ashamed before so much

company.’—‘So that after all, Madam,’ said Sancho, ‘no other mishap has

befallen you, nor was it jealousy that brought you from your own house,

as you alledged in the beginning of your story?’—‘Nothing else hath

happened to me, nor did I quit my own home from jealousy, but merely

from the desire of seeing the world, which extended no farther than a

wish to see the streets of this town.’

The truth of this assertion was confirmed by the arrival of two other

serjeants with her brother, whom they had taken in his flight. He had no

other cloaths but a rich petticoat, and a mantle of blue damask laced

with gold; on his head there was no cap, or any other ornament but his

own hair, which was so rich and ruddy, that it looked like ringlets of

gold. The governor, steward, and sewer, taking him aside, that he might

not be overheard by his sister, questioned him about his being disguised

in that dress; and the youth, with equal bashfulness and disorder,

repeated the same story which his sister had related, to the unspeakable

satisfaction of the enamoured sewer.

‘Gentlefolks,’ said the governor, ‘this is certainly a very childish

trick, and in giving an account of your simplicity and rashness, there

needed not all this weeping and wailing. Had you said at first, our

names are so and so, and we fell upon this contrivance to steal out of

our father’s house, merely to gratify our curiosity, without any other

design, the affair would have been at an end, and you might have spared

all this grunting and groaning.’—‘Very true,’ replied the damsel; ‘but

your honour must know, my confusion was so great, that I was not

mistress of my own behaviour.’—‘There is no harm done,’ replied Sancho;

‘let us go and see you safe home to the house of your father, who

perhaps has not missed you as yet; and henceforward be not such a baby,

or so desirous to see the world. The maid that would keep her good name,

stays at home as if she was lame. A hen and a housewife, whatever they

cost, if once they go gadding will surely be lost. And she that longs to

see, I ween, is as desirous to be seen. This is all I shall at present

say upon the subject.’

The young man thanked the governor for his intended civility in seeing

them home; and accordingly they took the road to their father’s house,

which was not far off. When they arrived at the gate, the brother threw

a pebble, at a casement, and immediately a maid-servant who sat up for

them, came down and opened the door, at which they entered, leaving all

the company in admiration at their beauty and genteel deportment, as

well as at their scheme of seeing the world by night, without going out

of the town; but this they ascribed to their tender years.

The sewer’s heart was transpierced by the charms of the sister, whom he

resolved to demand in marriage of her father the very next day,

concluding he should not meet with a denial because he was a domestick

of the duke’s. Even Sancho was seized with a whim and inclination to

make a match between the youth and his daughter Sanchica, and he

actually resolved to effectuate it in due season; taking it for granted

no man would refuse his hand to a governor’s daughter.

Thus ended the round for that night, and in two days he saw the end of

his government, which overthrew and destroyed all his designs, as will

be seen in the sequel.

Footnote 191:

_Podrida_, signifies rotten or mortified; hence the _olla podrida_ is

in French stiled _pot-pourri_.

Footnote 192:

Literally, The devil’s in Cantiliana, which is a town of Andalusia,

near Seville.

CHAP. XVIII.

WHICH DECLARES WHO WERE THE INCHANTERS AND EXECUTIONERS

THAT SCOURGED THE DUENNA,

AND PINCHED AND SCRATCHED DON QUIXOTE—

TOGETHER WITH THE EXPEDITION OF THE PAGE,

WHO CARRIED THE LETTER TO TERESA PANZA, SANCHO’S SPOUSE.

Cid Hamet, the most punctual investigator of the most minute atoms

belonging to this genuine history, says, that when Donna Rodriguez

quitted her apartment to visit Don Quixote in his chamber, another

duenna, who was her bedfellow, perceived her motions, and as all the

individuals of that class are naturally disposed to enquire, to pry, and

to smell into the affairs of their neighbours, she followed her so

softly, that honest Rodriguez knew nothing at all of the matter; and

when she saw her enter Don Quixote’s apartment, that she might conform

to the general custom of all duennas, who are much addicted to

tale-bearing, she, that instant, went and informed my Lady Duchess, that

Donna Rodriguez was in the knight’s bed-chamber; the duchess

communicated this intelligence to the duke, and asked leave to go along

with Altisidora, and see what the duenna wanted with Don Quixote: the

duke granted his permission, and the two, with great caution, treading

softly, step by step, went up so close to the chamber-door, as to

overhear every thing that was said; and the duchess hearing how

Rodriguez divulged the secret of those healing streams[193], that flowed

from her body, could not bear the duenna’s presumption, which was

equally resented by Altisidora. Exasperated, therefore, and bent upon

vengeance, they burst into the apartment, where they pinched the knight,

and flogged the duenna, as hath been already recited; for, affronts

levelled directly against the beauty and pride of the fair sex, waken

the indignation of the offended party to a great degree, and inspire her

with the desire of revenge.

The duchess recounted the adventure to the duke, who was extremely

diverted with the particulars; and her grace resolving to proceed with

her jokes, and extract entertainment from Don Quixote, dispatched the

page who had acted the part of Dulcinea, in the contrivance of the

disinchantment, which, by the bye, Sancho Panza had by this time forgot,

so much was he engrossed by the affairs of his government——the duchess,

I say, dispatched the page to Teresa Panza, with her husband’s letter,

and another from her grace, together with a rosary of rich coral in a

present.

The history relates, then, that the page, who was a very intelligent

acute young fellow, extremely well disposed to contribute to the

entertainment of his lord and lady, set out with great satisfaction for

Sancho’s native place; but, before he entered the village, he saw a

number of women washing linen in a brook, and of these he asked, if they

could inform him whereabouts lived one Teresa Panza, wife of one Sancho

Panza, squire to a certain knight, called Don Quixote de La Mancha. This

question was no sooner pronounced, than a girl, who was washing,

starting up, ‘That Teresa Panza,’ cried she, ‘is my mother; and that

same Sancho my honoured father, and that knight our master.’—‘Come,

then, young mistress,’ replied the page, ‘conduct me to your mother, for

I bring her a letter and a present from that same father of

yours.’—‘That I will do with all my heart, kind Sir,’ answered the girl;

who seemed to be fourteen years of age, over or under; and, leaving the

cloaths upon which she was at work, to one of her companions, without

putting on her cap or her shoes, for she was barefoot, and her hair hung

about her eyes, she ran before the page’s horse, saying, ‘Come along,

good Sir, our house is at this end of the village, and there you will

find my poor mother in a sorrowful taking, because she has not for many

days heard any news of my honoured father’—‘But now,’ said the page, ‘I

bring her such good news, that she will have reason to bless God for

this happy day.’ In a word, what with dancing, running, and skipping,

the wench arrived at the village; but before she entered the house, she

called aloud at the door, ‘Come out, mother Teresa, come out; pray come

out; here’s a gentleman who brings letters, and other good things, from

my good father!’

Teresa Panza hearing this exclamation, came forth spinning tow from a

distaff, with a grey petticoat, so short that it seemed to have been cut

close to the placket; a jacket of the same stuff, and an open breasted

shift; she was not very old, though seemingly turned of forty; but

strong, hale, nervous, and tough. Seeing her daughter, with the page on

horseback, ‘What is the matter, child?’ said she; ‘what gentleman is

that?’—‘The very humble servant of my Lady Donna Teresa Panza,’ replied

the page; who, throwing himself from his horse, ran with great eagerness

and humility, to kneel before Madam Teresa, saying, ‘Grant me permission

to kiss your ladyship’s hand, Madam Donna Teresa, as the legitimate and

particular consort of my Lord Don Sancho Panza, sole governor of the

island Barataria.’—‘Nay, good Sir, forbear; do not so!’ answered Teresa;

‘I am none of your court dames; but a poor country-woman, a ploughman’s

daughter; and wife to a squire-errant, but no governor.’—‘Your

ladyship,’ replied the page, ‘is the most worthy consort of the most

superlatively worthy governor; and this letter and present is an

incontestible proof of the truth of what I say.’ So saying, he instantly

pulled from his pocket the lining of coral, set in gold, and tied it

round her neck; then producing a letter, ‘This,’ said he, ‘is from my

Lord Governor, and this other with the necklace, from my Lady Duchess

who sent me hither.’

Teresa was confounded; and her daughter no less astonished, exclaimed,

‘I’ll be hanged if our master Don Quixote be not at the bottom of all

this; and surely must have given my father that same government or

countship, which he promised him so often!’—‘You are certainly in the

right,’ answered the page; ‘for it is entirely on Signior Don Quixote’s

account, that Signior Sancho is now governor of the island Barataria, as

will appear in this letter.’—‘Pray, good gentleman, read it,’ said

Teresa; ‘for though I can spin, I cannot read so much as a crumb.’—‘Nor

I, neither,’ added Sanchica; ‘but stay a moment, I’ll go and fetch one

that shall read it, either the curate himself, or the batchelor Sampson

Carrasco, who will come with pleasure to hear news of my father.’—‘There

is no occasion to fetch any person whatever,’ said the page; ‘for though

I cannot spin, I can read; and read it I shall.’ He accordingly read

Sancho’s letter from beginning to end; but as it hath been already

recited, we shall not repeat it in this place. Then he rehearsed the

other, which came from the duchess, in these words—

‘FRIEND TERESA,

‘The great talents, and excellent disposition of your husband

Sancho, induced and obliged me to beg of the duke my husband, that

he would confer upon him the government of one, among many islands

that are in his possession; and I understand he governs like any

jerfaulcon; a circumstance that affords great pleasure to me, and of

consequence to my Lord Duke; and I thank Heaven heartily, that I

have not been deceived in chusing him for that same government: for,

Madam Teresa must know, it is a very hard matter to find a good

governor in this world, and God make me as good a woman as Sancho is

a governor. I have sent you, my dear friend, a coral necklace set in

gold; and I wish, for your sake, it had been of oriental pearls;

but, He that gives, though it were but an egg, would be sorry to see

thee lame of a leg. The time will come when we shall be better

acquainted, and carry on a closer correspondence, and Heaven knows

what may come to pass. Commend me to your daughter Sanchica, and

tell her from me, to keep herself in readiness; for I mean to match

her very high, when perhaps she thinks least of the matter. I am

told your town is famous for fine large acorns; pray send me two

dozen, which I shall greatly esteem as coming from your hand. Write

me a long letter, giving an account of your health and welfare; and

if you should want any thing, you have nothing to do but open your

mouth, and it shall be measured. That God would protect you, is the

prayer of your-loving friend,

‘THE DUCHESS.’

‘La! now,’ cried Teresa, when she heard the contents of the letter,

‘what a kind, and plain, and humble lady! would I might live, and die,

and be buried among such ladies, and not your gentlewomen of this town,

who think, forsooth, because they are gentlefolks, the wind must not

touch them, and go to church in such finery as if they were perfect

queens; nay, they seem to think it a disgrace to look at a poor body;

and see here now, how this worthy lady, even though no less than a

duchess, calls me friend, and treats me as if I were her own equal; and

equal may she be to the highest steeple in all La Mancha. As to what

concerns the acorns, kind Sir, I’ll send her a whole peck, so fair and

large, that people shall come far and near to see and admire them.—For

the present, Sanchica, we must look to the entertainment of this

gentleman; let his horse be taken care of; fetch some eggs from the

stable, and cut some rashers of bacon, and let us treat him like a

prince; for the good news he has brought, and his own good countenance,

deserves every thing at our hands. In the mean time I’ll go out, and

give an account of our good fortune to my neighbours, especially our

father the curate, and Master Nicholas the barber, who are, and always

were, such friends to your father.’—‘I will do as you desire, mother,’

answered Sanchica; ‘but remember, you shall give me one half of the

string of coral; for I don’t take my lady duchess to be such a ninny as

to send the whole for your use.’—‘It is all thy own, daughter,’ replied

Teresa; ‘but thou must let me wear it a few days about my neck; for in

faith and troth, it will rejoice my poor heart.’—‘It will be still more

rejoiced,’ said the page, ‘when you see the bundle in that portmanteau,

consisting of a suit of superfine cloth, which was never wore but one

day at the hunting, by the governor, who sends it for the sole use of

Miss Sanchica.’—‘May he live a thousand years!’ cried Sanchica, ‘as well

as he that brings it, neither more nor less; and even two thousand, if

there should be occasion.’

Now Teresa going out with the letters, and the string about her neck,

went along playing with her fingers upon the paper, as if it had been a

cymbal; and casually meeting the curate and Sampson Carrasco, she began

to caper about, saying, ‘In good faith, we have no poor kindred now; we

have caught the governorship: aye, aye, pick me up the best gentlewoman

of them all, ifack! I’ll look upon her as an upstart.’—‘What is the

matter, Teresa Panza?’ said the curate; ‘What is the meaning of this

rhapsody? and what papers are these?’—‘No rhapsody at all,’ replied

Teresa, ‘but only these letters are from duchesses and governors, and

these here upon my neck are true corals; the Ave Marias and Paternosters

are of beaten gold, and I am a governess!’—‘God shield us, Teresa,’

cried the curate, ‘as we do not understand a word of what you

say!’—‘Seeing is believing,’ answered the good woman, putting the

letters into his hand; which he having read, in the hearing of Sampson

Carrasco, they looked at one another with astonishment. When the

batchelor asked who brought those letters, Teresa desired they would go

along with her to her house, and they would see the messenger, who was a

comely youth, like a perfect golden pine-tree, and had brought another

present worth twice as much. The curate taking the string of coral from

her neck, viewed and reviewed it with great deliberation; and, being

satisfied the beads were real fine coral, was again struck with

admiration, and exclaimed, ‘Now, by the habit which I wear! I know not

what to say, or what to think of these letters and presents: on one side

I see, and even feel, the worth of these corals; and on the other, I

read a letter from a duchess, who begs two dozen of acorns!’—‘Reconcile

these things if you can,’ said Carrasco; ‘but now let us go and see the

bearer of this packet, whose information will solve all these

difficulties.’

They accordingly accompanied Teresa, and found the page winnowing a

little barley for his beast, while Sanchica was employed in cutting

rashers to fry with the eggs, for the entertainment of their guest,

whose appearance and equipage gave great satisfaction to the new-comers.

After the compliments of salutation had courteously passed between them,

Sampson intreated him to tell them news of Don Quixote, as well as of

Sancho Panza; for although they had perused the letters of this last,

and of my lady duchess, they were still overwhelmed with confusion, and

could by no means comprehend the meaning of that government, especially

of an island, seeing all, or the greatest part of the islands in the

Mediterranean, belonged to his majesty. To this remonstrance the page

replied, ‘That Signior Sancho Panza is a governor, there is no sort of

doubt; but whether of an island or not, I do not pretend to decide: let

it suffice, however, that he governs a place of above a thousand

inhabitants; and with respect to the acorns, I can affirm, my Lady

Duchess is of such a frank and humble disposition, that her sending for

acorns to a countrywoman is not to be wondered at; nay, I once knew her

send and borrow a comb of one of her neighbours; for you must know,

gentlemen, the ladies of Arragon, although as noble, are not so

ceremonious and superb, as the quality of Castile, but treat their

inferiors with more frankness and familiarity.’

In the midst of this conversation, Sanchica coming in with her lap full

of eggs, addressed herself to the page, saying, ‘Pray, tell me, Signior,

does my honoured father wear trunk-hose since he was a governor?’—‘I

have not observed that particular,’ replied the page; ‘but certainly he

must.’—‘My God!’ cried Sanchica, ‘how glad I should be to see my father

with trunk hose! let me never thrive, but I have, ever since I was born,

longed to see father in laced trunk-breeches.’—‘Laced hose!’ said the

page; ‘Lord, Madam, if he lives, and his government should hold but two

months, he is in a fair way of travelling with a hood to his

riding-coat.’ The curate and batchelor could easily perceive the page

made a jest of his entertainers; but the worth of the coral beads, and

the hunting-suit which Sancho had sent, destroyed all their conjectures;

for Teresa had shewn them the green garment: nor did they fail to laugh

at the ambition of Sanchica; and their mirth was not extinguished, when

Teresa accosting the priest, ‘Mr. Curate,’ said she, ‘do pray cast your

eyes about a little, and see if any body be going to Madrid or Toledo,

that I may have an opportunity to purchase a round farthing-gale, right

and tight, fashionable and of the best sort; for truly and truly, I am

resolved to honour my spouse’s government as much as lies in my power;

aye, and if they vex me, I’ll go to court, and ride in my coach, like

all the rest, and the best of them; for she who is married to a

governor, may very well procure and maintain such a convenience.’—‘Yea,

forsooth,’ replied Sanchica; ‘and would to God it were to-day rather

than to-morrow, although those who saw me seated with my lady mother in

the coach, should say, Look, at such a one, daughter of such a

garlick-eater, how she sits and lolls in a coach, like the pope’s lady;

but let them trudge in the dirt, so I ride in my coach, with my feet

lifted off the ground: An ill year, and worse month, betide all the

envious grumblers upon earth; and, So I am warm, without and within, the

mob may laugh, and the malicious grin. Speak I to the purpose,

mother?’—‘To the purpose! yes, to be sure, daughter; and all this good

luck, and even more, was prophesied by my good man Sancho, and thou

shalt see, daughter, it will not stop until I am a countess; for good

fortune wants only a beginning, as I have often heard it observed by thy

worthy father, who is likewise the father of proverbs; When they bring

thee a heifer, be ready with the halter; When they give thee a

government, seize it a-God’s name; When they bestow a countship, lay thy

clutches upon it; and, When they throw thee some good beneficial bone,

wag thy tail, and snap at the favour; if not, sleep on, and never answer

to good fortune and preferment, when they knock at thy door.’—‘And what

do I care?’ said Sanchica, ‘let them say what they will, when they see

me exalted in all my finery, and cry, There goes Mrs. Ape, with her

buttocks cased in crape: and all the rest of that stuff.’

The curate hearing her remark, ‘I cannot believe,’ said he, ‘but that

all the family of the Panzas are born with a bag of proverbs in their

bowels; for I have never seen one of them, who does not scatter about

old saws, at all times, and in all conversations.’—‘Your observation is

very just,’ said the page; ‘for my Lord Governor Sancho utters them at

every step; and although many of his proverbs are not much to the

purpose, they nevertheless give great pleasure, and are much extolled by

my lady duchess and the duke.’—‘What! and do you still, my good Sir,’

said the batchelor, ‘affirm the truth of that government of Sancho; and

that there is actually a duchess who sends letters and presents to his

wife? For our parts, although we handle the presents, and have perused

the letters, we cannot believe the evidence of our senses, and imagine

this is one of those things which our townsman Don Quixote supposed to

have been effected by inchantment; and therefore, I own, I have an

inclination to touch and feel your person, that I may know whether you

are a fantastical ambassador, or really a man of flesh and

blood.’—‘Gentlemen,’ replied the page, ‘all that I know of the matter

is, that I am a real ambassador; that Signior Sancho Panza is

effectually a governor; and that my lord duke, and lady duchess, not

only could, but actually did, invest him with that government, in which

I hear the said Sancho Panza behaves with vast ability. Whether or not

there is any inchantment in the case, I leave you, gentlemen, to dispute

and decide among yourselves; that this is all I know of the matter, I

swear by the life of my parents, who are still alive, and whom I love

and honour with the utmost reverence of affection.’—‘What you say may be

true,’ answered the batchelor: ‘but, _Dubitat Augustinus_.’—‘Doubt as

much as you please,’ resumed the page: ‘what I have said is the naked

truth, which will always swim above falshood, like oil above water; but,

_Operibus credite & non verbis_: let one of you, gentlemen, go along

with me, and he shall see with his eyes what he will not believe upon

hearsay.’—‘I am for that jaunt,’ cried Sanchica: ‘good Sir, if you will

take me up behind you, I shall be glad to go and see my father’s

worship.’—‘The daughters of governors,’ said the page, ‘never travel

alone; but always accompanied by coaches, and litters, and a great

number of attendants.’—‘’Fore God,’ replied Sanchica, ‘I can travel upon

a she-ass as well as in a coach: you won’t find me shy or

fearful.’—‘Hold your tongue, wench,’ said Teresa: ‘you know not what you

say. The gentleman is in the right; for, Every season has its reason.

When it was plain Sancho, it was plain Sancha; but now, being governor,

my Lady——I know not if what I say be to the purpose.’—‘Madam Teresa has

said more than she is aware of,’ replied the page: ‘but, pray, let me

have some victuals, and dispatch me immediately; for I intend to return

this evening.’ To this remonstrance the curate answered, ‘Sir, you shall

come and do penance with me; for Madam Teresa has more inclination than

ability to entertain such a worthy guest.’ The page, at first, declined

the invitation; but, at length, found it was his interest to consent;

and the curate conducted him to his parsonage, with great pleasure, that

he might have an opportunity to enquire at leisure about Don Quixote and

his exploits.

The batchelor offered to write answers to Teresa’s letters; but she did

not chuse that he should intermeddle in her affairs; for she looked upon

him as a wag. She therefore gave a roll of bread, and a couple of eggs,

to a noviciate monk who could write; and he penned two letters, one for

her husband, and another for the duchess, indited by Teresa’s own

noddle, which are not the least entertaining that occur in this sublime

history, as will be seen in the sequel.

Footnote 193:

Literally, the Aranjuez of the fountains. _Fuentes_ signifies, either

fountains or issues; and _Aranjeuz_ is the name of a delightful

palace, about seven leagues from Madrid, famous for gardens and

fountains.

CHAP. XIX.

OF THE PROGRESS OF SANCHO PANZA’S GOVERNMENT—

AND OTHER SUCH DIVERTING INCIDENTS.

At length arrived the morning that succeeded the night of the governor’s

round, which the gentleman-sewer passed without sleep, so much were his

thoughts engrossed by the face, the air, and beauty of the disguised

damsel; while the steward employed the time in writing an account of

Sancho’s conduct to his lord and lady, equally astonished at his words

and actions, in which folly and discretion were strangely blended.

At last my lord governor arose, and by direction of Doctor Pedro

Positive, he was fain to break his fast with a little conserve, and four

gulps of cold water, which Sancho would have gladly exchanged for a

luncheon of bread and a bunch of grapes; but, finding himself under

compulsion, he bore his fate with grief of soul and anxiety of stomach;

Pedro Positive giving him to understand, that your slight and delicate

dishes animate the genius, consequently were most proper for persons

appointed to posts and offices of importance, in which corporal strength

cannot avail so much as the vigour of the understanding. By this sort of

sophistry Sancho was subjected to such severe hunger, that he in secret

cursed the government; aye, and him who conferred it: nevertheless, in

despight of hunger, and upon the strength of the conserve, he, that day,

sat in judgment; and the first case that occurred, was a question put by

a stranger, in presence of the steward and the rest of the assistants:

‘My lord,’ said he, ‘a certain manor is divided by a large river—I beg

your honour will be attentive; for the case is of great consequence, and

some difficulty. I say, then, upon this river is a bridge, and at one

end of it the gibbet, together with a sort of court-hall, in which four

judges usually sit, to execute the law enacted by the lord of the river,

bridge, and manor, which runs to this effect: “Whosoever shall pass over

this bridge, must first swear whence he comes, and whither he goes: if

he swears the truth, he shall be allowed to pass; but if he forswears

himself, he shall die upon the gallows, without mercy or respite.”

‘This law, together with the rigorous penalty, being known, numbers

passed, and as it appeared they swore nothing but the truth, the judges

permitted them to pass freely, and without controul. It happened,

however, that one man’s oath being taken, he affirmed, and swore by his

deposition, that he was going to be hanged on that gibbet, and had no

other errand or intention. The judges having considered this oath,

observed, if we allow the man to pass freely, he swore to a lye, and

therefore ought to be hanged according to law; and if we order him to be

hanged, after he hath sworn he was going to be suspended on that gibbet,

he will have sworn the truth, and by the same law ought to be acquitted.

I beg, therefore, to know of your honour, my lord governor, what the

judges must do with this man: for hitherto they are doubtful and in

suspense; and having heard of your lordship’s acute and elevated

understanding, they have sent me to intreat your honour, in their names,

to favour them with your opinion in a case of such doubt and intricacy.’

To this address Sancho replied, ‘Assuredly, those judges who sent you to

me, might have spared themselves the trouble; for I am a man that may be

said to be rather blunt than acute: nevertheless, repeat the business so

that I may understand it fully, and who knows but I may chance to hit

the nail on the head.’ The interrogator having repeated his story again

and again, Sancho said, ‘I think I can now explain the case in the

twinkling of two balls: and this it is: A man swears he is going to be

hanged on such a gibbet; if he actually suffers upon that gibbet, he

swore the truth, and by the enacted law ought to be allowed freely to

pass the bridge; but if he is not hanged, he swore false, and for that

reason ought to suffer upon the gibbet.’

‘The case is exactly as my lord governor conceives it,’ said the

messenger: ‘and with respect to the scope, and understanding of the

matter, there is no farther room for doubt or interrogation,’—‘I say,

then,’ replied Sancho, ‘that part of the man which swore truth, ought to

be allowed to pass; and that which told a lye, ought to be hanged; and

in this manner the terms or condition of passing will be literally

fulfilled.’

‘But, my lord governor,’ replied the questioner, ‘in that case it will

be necessary to divide the man into two parts, namely, the false and the

true; and if he is so divided, he must certainly die: therefore, the

intent of the law will be frustrated, whereas, there is an express

necessity for its being accomplished.’—‘Come hither, honest friend,’

said Sancho; ‘either I am a blockhead, or this passenger you mention has

an equal title to be hanged, and to live and pass over the bridge; for,

if the truth saves him on one side, his falshood condemns him equally on

the other. Now, this being the case, as it certainly is, I think you

must tell the gentleman who sent you hither, that as the reasons for

condemning and for acquitting the culprit are equally balanced, they

shall let him freely pass; for it is always more laudable to do good

than harm; and to this opinion I would subscribe if I could write my

name. Nor, indeed, have I spoken my own sentiment on this occasion: but

I have recollected one, among the many precepts I received from my

master Don Quixote, the night before I set out for the government of

this island; he said, that when justice was doubtful, I should chuse and

lean towards mercy; and it pleased God that I should now remember this

maxim, which falls so pat to the present purpose.’—‘So it does,’ said

the steward; ‘and I firmly believe, that Lycurgus himself, who gave laws

to the Lacedemonians could not have uttered a more sagacious decision

than that which the great Panza has pronounced. Now, let the audience

end for this morning, and I will give orders that my lord governor shall

dine to his heart’s content.’—‘That is my request,’ cried Sancho:

‘nothing but fair play; give me plenty of victuals, and let them load me

with cases and doubts, I will soon make them vanish into smoke.’

The steward kept his word; for he had a scruple of conscience in

famishing such a discreet governor; especially as he intended that night

to conclude the farce with the last joke he had a commission to execute.

Well, then, Sancho having dined that day, contrary to all the rules and

aphorisms of Doctor Snatchaway, the cloth was no sooner removed than a

courier entered with a letter from Don Quixote to the governor, who

desired the secretary to read it by himself; and then, if there was

nothing in it which required to be kept secret, to rehearse it in an

audible voice. The secretary, in obedience to his command, having

perused it in secret, ‘It may be very safely read aloud,’ said he; ‘what

Signior Don Quixote writes to your lordship, deserves to be printed, and

even displayed in golden letters. This is the purport of the letter.’

THE LETTER FROM DON QUIXOTE DE LA MANCHA TO SANCHO PANZA, GOVERNOR

OF THE ISLAND BARATARIA.

‘FRIEND SANCHO,

‘When I expected to hear of thy negligence and impertinence, I was

informed of thy discretion, for which I have returned particular

thanks to Heaven, that can raise the poor from the dunghill, and

extract wisdom from the heart of the fool. I am told thou hast

governed like a man, and that thou art a man as if thou wert a

beast; such is the humility of thy deportment. Take notice, Sancho,

it is often convenient and necessary, for the authority of office,

to refill the humility of the heart; for the ornament of the person

invested with charges of dignity, ought to be conformable to what

these require, and not measured according to the will of an humble

disposition. Appear always well-dressed; for a maypole when

decorated loses its original appearance: not that I advise thee to

wear jewels and finery; or, as thou art a judge, to go in the habit

of a soldier; but to adorn thyself with that garb which thine office

requires, and to be always clean, and neatly dressed. In order to

acquire the good will of the people over whom thou art set, among

other things, remember two particulars; one is to be affable to

every body—but this I have mentioned upon another occasion; the

other is to procure plenty of provision; for there is nothing that

gives such vexation to the poor as hunger and dearth.

‘Do not issue a great number of ordinances, but take care that those

which are published be good; and, above all things, see they are

maintained and put in execution; for those ordinances which are not

observed, might as well be annulled, as they serve to demonstrate

that the prince who had discretion and authority to enact them,

wanted power to enforce obedience; and those laws which only

intimidate, without being put in execution, resemble the King Log of

the frogs, which at first terrified his subjects, by whom, however,

at the long run, he was despised and insulted. Be thou a father to

the virtuous, and a stepfather to the wicked. Thou must not be

always rigorous, nor always gentle; but chuse the medium between

these two extremities, in which lies the point of discretion. Visit

the prisons, the slaughter-houses, and the markets; for in such

places the presence of the governor will be of great importance.

Console the prisoners with hope of being speedily dispatched. Be a

bug-bear to butchers, for then they will use honest weights; and a

terror to market-women, for the same reason. Beware of shewing

thyself (though thou really shouldst be so, and yet I believe thou

art not) a miser, a letcher, or a glutton; for thy people, and those

who have concerns with thee, knowing the bias of thine inclination,

will batter thee from that quarter, until thou art overthrown into

the profundity of perdition. Consider and reconsider, peruse and

re-peruse, the advices and instructions which I gave thee in writing

before thy departure for thy government; and, if thou observest the

contents, thou wilt find in them a precious aid, that will alleviate

the toils and difficulties which every moment occur to governors.

Write to thy noble patrons, to evince thy gratitude; for ingratitude

is the daughter of pride, and one of the vilest sins that can be

committed; and the person who is grateful to his benefactor gives

indication that he is also grateful to God, whose benefits are so

manifold and incessant. My lady duchess dispatched a messenger with

thy hunting-suit, and another present to thy wife Teresa, and we

expect her answer every moment.

‘I have been somewhat indisposed, in consequence of a certain

cat-clawing adventure, which I lately atchieved with some

discomfiture of my nose; but that was of no consequence; for if I am

maltreated by one set of inchanters, I am protected by another. Let

me know if the steward, who is with thee, had any concern in the

adventure of the Countess Trifaldi, as thou once seemedst to

suspect; and give me an account of every thing that betides thee,

seeing the distance between us is so small. I think of leaving, in a

little time, this idle life, for which I was never designed. I am

like to be engaged in an affair, which, I believe, will bring me

into disgrace with the duke and duchess; but, although this affects

my mind, it shall not influence my conduct; for, in a word, I am

resolved to comply with the duties of my profession, rather than

with the dictates of their pleasure; in conformity with the old

saying, “_Amicus Plato, sed magis amica veritas._” I write this

sentence in Latin, because I apprehend thou hast learned that

language since thou wast a governor. I commit thee to the protection

of God, who is the fountain of all good; and am thy friend,

‘DON QUIXOTE DE LA MANCHA.’

Sancho listened with great attention to the letter, which was applauded,

for the good sense it contained, by all the hearers; then the governor

rising from table, shut himself up in his apartment with the secretary,

in order to compose an answer to his master, without loss of time. He

desired the scribe to write what he should dictate, without the least

addition or diminution. The secretary obeyed his command, and the answer

was to this effect—

SANCHO PANZA’S LETTER TO DON QUIXOTE DE LA MANCHA.

‘The employment of my office is so severe, that I have not time to

scratch my head, or even to pair my nails, which I, therefore, wear

so long, that God must find some remedy. This I observe, dear master

of my soul, that your worship need not be confounded because I have

not hitherto given you an account of my well or ill-being in this

government; where, by the bye, I suffer more pinching hunger than

when we two used to travel through woods and desarts.

‘My lord duke gave me notice the other day, in a letter, that

certain spies had entered the island, in order to murder me; but, as

yet, I have, discovered none, except a doctor, who has a salary in

the place, for killing all the governors that come hither. They call

him Doctor Pedro Positive, and he is a native of Snatchaway; so that

your worship may see by his name, what reason I have to fear I shall

perish by his hands. This very doctor frankly owns, that he does not

cure the distempers which are already formed, but only prevents

their formation; and the medicine he prescribes, is fasting upon

fasting, until the patient is clean skin and bone, as if a

consumption was not worse than a fever. Finally, he is killing me by

inches with hunger; and I find myself dying of pure vexation; for I

thought, in coming to this government, I should have hot meals and

cool liquor, and regale my body in Holland sheets, upon beds of

down; whereas, I am come to penance like a hermit; and as I cannot

even do that, I believe, at the long run, the devil will fly away

with me.

‘Hitherto I have neither touched fee nor fingered bribe; nor can I

conceive the reason of such proceeding; for I have been told, that

the governors who used to come to this island, even before their

entrance, always received a good sum of money, either by way of

present or loan, from the inhabitants; a custom observed in other

governments as well as in this.

‘In going the round last night, I found a very beautiful damsel in

man’s cloaths, and her brother in the dress of a woman: my

gentleman-sewer is in love with the girl, and, as he says, hath

fixed his fancy on her for a wife, and I have chosen the youth for

my son-in-law; to-day we two will communicate our thoughts to the

father of this young pair, who is one Diego de Llana, a gentleman,

and as old a Christian as one would desire.

‘I visit the markets, according to your worship’s advice; and

yesterday seeing a huckster selling new nuts, I discovered that she

had mixed with a bushel of the new, the same quantity of old nuts

that were empty and rotten; upon which I gave the whole to the

charity boys, who know very well how to separate the good from the

bad, and forbade her to enter the market for fifteen days: I was

told I had done gallantly. What I can assure your worship is, that

according to the report of this town, there is not a more wicked set

of people than those market-women; for they are all without shame,

conscience, and moderation; and, indeed, I believe the report, from

what I have seen in other corporations.

‘It gives me great satisfaction to hear that my lady duchess has

written to my wife Teresa Panza, and sent the present your worship

mentions; and I will endeavour to shew my gratitude in due season. I

beg your worship will kiss her grace’s hand, in my name, and tell

her I say, she has not thrown her favour into a rotten sack, as our

deeds shall declare. I should be sorry that your worship came to any

reckonings of disgust with my lord duke and lady duchess; for should

there be any breach between you, it is very plain the whole would

redound to my loss; and, considering the advice you gave me to be

always grateful, it would not look well in your worship to be

otherwise to those who have done you such favours, and treated you

so nobly in their castle.

‘The story of the cat-clawing I do not understand; but do suppose it

must have been one of those unlucky frays in which your worship is

often engaged with wicked inchanters; but I shall know when we meet.