CLASSING TUTWATER RIGHT
Maybe that brass plate had been up in the lower hall of our buildin' a
month or so before I takes any partic'lar notice of it. Even when I did
get my eye on it one mornin' it only gets me mildly curious. "Tutwater,
Director of Enterprises, Room 37, Fourth Floor," is all it says on it.
"Huh!" thinks I. "That's goin' some for a nine by ten coop under the
skylight."
And with that I should have let it drop, I expect. But what's the use?
Where's the fun of livin', if you can't mix in now and then. And you know
how I am.
Well, I comes pikin' up the stairs one day not long after discoverin' the
sign, and here on my landin', right in front of the studio door, I finds
this Greek that runs the towel supply wagon usin' up his entire United
States vocabulary on a strange gent that he's backed into a corner.
"Easy, there, easy, Mr. Poulykopolis!" says I. "This ain't any golf
links, where you can smoke up the atmosphere with language like that.
What's the row, anyway?"
"No pay for five week; always nex' time, he tells, nex' time. Gr-r-r-r! I
am strong to slap his life out, me!" says Pouly, thumpin' his chest and
shakin' his black curls. They sure are fierce actin' citizens when
they're excited, these Marathoners.
"Yes, you would!" says I. "Slap his life out? G'wan! If he handed you one
jolt you wouldn't stop runnin' for a week. How big is this national debt
you say he owes you! How much?"
"Five week!" says Pouly. "One dollar twenty-five."
"Sufferin' Shylocks! All of that? Well, neighbor," says I to the strange
gent, "has he stated it correct?"
"Perfectly, sir, perfectly," says the party of the second part. "I do not
deny the indebtedness in the least. I was merely trying to explain to
this agent of cleanliness that, having been unable to get to the bank
this morning, I should be obliged to----"
"Why, of course," says I. "And in that case allow me to stake you to the
price of peace. Here you are, Pouly. Now go out in the sun and cool
off."
"My dear sir," says the stranger, followin' me into the front office,
"permit me to----"
"Ah, never mind the resolutions!" says I, "It was worth riskin' that much
for the sake of stoppin' the riot. Yes, I know you'll pay it back. Let's
see, which is your floor?"
"Top, sir," says he, "room 37."
"Oh ho!" says I. "Then you're the enterprise director, Tutwater?"
"And your very humble servant, sir," says he, bringin' his yellow Panama
lid off with a full arm sweep, and throwin' one leg graceful over the
back of a chair.
At that I takes a closer look at him, and before I've got half through
the inspection I've waved a sad farewell to that one twenty-five. From
the frayed necktie down to the runover shoes, Tutwater is a walkin'
example of the poor debtor's oath. The shiny seams of the black frock
coat shouts of home pressin', and the limp way his white vest fits him
suggests that he does his own laundry work in the washbowl. But he's
clean shaved and clean brushed, and you can guess he's seen the time when
he had such things done for him in style.
Yet there ain't anything about the way Tutwater carries himself that
signifies he's down and out. Not much! He's got the easy, confident swing
to his shoulders that you might expect from a sport who'd just picked
three winners runnin'.
Rather a tall, fairly well built gent he is, with a good chest on him,
and he has one of these eager, earnest faces that shows he's alive all
the time. You wouldn't call him a handsome man, though, on account of the
deep furrows down each side of his cheeks and the prominent jut to his
eyebrows; but, somehow, when he gets to talkin', them eyes of his lights
up so you forget the rest of his features.
You've seen chaps like that. Gen'rally they're cranks of some kind or
other, and when they ain't they're topliners. So I puts Tutwater down as
belongin' to the crank class, and it wa'n't long before he begun livin'
up to the description.
"Director of enterprises, eh?" says I. "That's a new one on me."
"Naturally," says he, wavin' his hand, "considering that I am first in
the field. It is a profession I am creating."
"So?" says I. "Well, how are you comin' on?"
"Excellently, sir, excellently," says he. "I have found, for the first
time in my somewhat varied career, full scope for what I am pleased to
call my talents. Of course, the work of preparing the ground is a slow
process, and the--er--ahem--the results have not as yet begun to
materialize; but when Opportunity comes my way, sir----Aha! Ha, ha! Ho,
ho! Well, then we shall see if Tutwater is not ready for her!"
"I see," says I. "You with your hand on the knob, eh? It's an easy way of
passin' the time too; that is, providin' such things as visits from the
landlord and the towel collector don't worry you."
"Not at all," says he. "Merely petty annoyances, thorns and pebbles in
the pathways that lead to each high emprise."
Say, it was almost like hearin' some one read po'try, listenin' to
Tutwater talk; didn't mean much of anything, and sounded kind of good. At
the end of half an hour I didn't know any more about his game than at the
beginning. I gathered, though, that up to date it hadn't produced any
ready cash, and that Tutwater had been on his uppers for some time.
He was no grafter, though. That dollar twenty-five weighed heavier on his
mind than it did on mine. He'd come in and talk about not bein' able to
pay it back real regretful, without even hintin' at another touch. And
little by little I got more light on Tutwater, includin' some details of
what he called his career.
There was a lot to it, so far as variety went. He'd been a hist'ry
professor in some one-horse Western college, had tried his luck once up
at Nome, had canvassed for a patent dishwasher through Michigan, done a
ballyhoo trick outside a travelin' tent show, and had given bump lectures
on the schoolhouse circuit.
But his prize stunt was when he broke into the real estate business and
laid out Eucalyptus City. That was out in Iowa somewhere, and he'd have
cleaned up a cool million in money if the blamed trolley company hadn't
built their line seven miles off in the other direction.
It was gettin' this raw deal that convinces him the seed district wa'n't
any place for a gent of his abilities. So he sold out his options on the
site of Eucalyptus to a brick makin' concern, and beat it for 42d-st.
with a capital of eighty-nine dollars cash and this great director scheme
in his head. The brass plate had cost him four dollars and fifty cents,
one month's rent of the upstairs coop had set him back thirty more, and
he'd been livin' on the rest.
"But look here, Tutty," says I, "just what sort of enterprise do you
think you can direct?"
"Any sort," says he, "anything, from running an international exposition,
to putting an icecream parlor on a paying basis."
"Don't you find your modesty something of a handicap?" says I.
"Oh, I'm modest enough," he goes on. "For instance, I don't claim to
invent new methods. I just adapt, pick out lines of proved success, and
develop. Now, your business here--why, I could take hold of it, and in
six months' time I'd have you occupying this entire building, with
classes on every floor, a solarium on the roof, a corps of assistants
working day and night shifts, and----"
"Yes," I breaks in, "and then the Sheriff tackin' a foreclosure notice on
the front door. I know how them boom methods work out, Tutty."
But talk like that don't discourage Tutwater at all. He hangs onto his
great scheme, keepin' his eyes and ears open, writin' letters when he can
scare up money for postage, and insistin' that sooner or later he'll get
his chance.
"Here is the place for such chances to occur," says he, "and I know what
I can do."
"All right," says I; "but if I was you I'd trail down some pavin' job
before the paper inner soles wore clean through."
Course, how soon he hit the bread line wa'n't any funeral of mine
exactly, and he was a hopeless case anyway; but somehow I got to likin'
Tutwater more or less, and wishin' there was some plan of applyin' all
that hot air of his in useful ways. I know of lots of stiffs with not
half his brains that makes enough to ride around in taxis and order
custom made shirts. He was gettin' seedier every week, though, and I had
it straight from the agent that it was only a question of a few days
before that brass plate would have to come down.
And then, one noon as we was chinnin' here in the front office, in blows
a portly, red faced, stary eyed old party who seems kind of dazed and
uncertain as to where he's goin'. He looks first at Tutwater, and then at
me.
"Same to you and many of 'em," says I. "What'll it be?"
"McCabe was the name," says he; "Professor McCabe, I think. I had it
written down somewhere; but----"
"Never mind," says I. "This is the shop and I'm the right party. What
then?"
"Perhaps you don't know me?" says he, explorin' his vest pockets sort of
aimless with his fingers.
"That's another good guess," says I; "but there's lots of time ahead of
us."
"I--I am--well, never mind the name," says he, brushin' one hand over his
eyes. "I--I've mislaid it."
"Eh?" says I.
"It's no matter," says he, beginnin' to ramble on again. "But I own a
great deal of property in the city, and my head has been troubling me
lately, and I heard you could help me. I'll pay you well, you know.
I--I'll give you the Brooklyn Bridge."
"Wha-a-at's that?" I gasps. "Say, couldn't you make it Madison Square
Garden? I could get rent out of that."
"Well, if you prefer," says he, without crackin' a smile.
"And this is Mr. Tutwater," says I. "He ought to be in on this. What'll
yours be, Tutty?"
Say, for a minute or so I couldn't make out whether the old party was
really off his chump or what. He's a well dressed, prosperous lookin'
gent, a good deal on the retired broker type, and I didn't know but he
might be some friend of Pyramid Gordon's who'd strayed in here to hand me
a josh before signin' on for a course of lessons.
Next thing we knew, though, he slumps down in my desk chair, leans back
comf'table, sighs sort of contented, smiles a batty, foolish smile at us,
and then closes his eyes. Another second and he's snorin' away as
peaceful as you please.
"Well, say!" says I to Tutwater. "What do you think of that, now? Does he
take this for a free lodgin' house, or Central Park? Looks like it was up
to me to ring for the wagon."
"Don't," says Tutwater. "The police handle these cases so stupidly. His
mind has been affected, possibly from some shock, and he is physically
exhausted."
"He's all in, sure enough," says I; "but I can't have him sawin' wood
here. Come, come, old scout," I hollers in his ear, "you'll have to camp
somewhere else for this act!" I might as well have shouted into the safe,
though. He never stirs.
"The thing to do," says Tutwater, "is to discover his name, if we can,
and then communicate with his friends or family."
"Maybe you're right, Tutwater," says I. "And there's a bunch of letters
in his inside pocket. Have a look."
"They all seem to be addressed to J. T. Fargo, Esq.," says Tutwater.
"What!" says I. "Say, you don't suppose our sleepin' friend here is old
Jerry Fargo, do you? Look at the tailor's label inside the pocket. Eh?
Jeremiah T. Fargo! Well, say, Tutty, that wa'n't such an idle dream of
his, about givin' me the garden. Guess he could if he wanted to. Why,
this old party owns more business blocks in this town than anybody I know
of except the Astors. And I was for havin' him carted off to the station!
Lemme see that 'phone directory."
A minute more and I had the Fargo house on the wire.
"Who are you?" says I. "Oh, Mr. Fargo's butler. Well, this is Shorty
McCabe, and I want to talk to some of the fam'ly about the old man. Sure,
old Jerry. He's here. Eh, his sister? She'll do. Yes, I'll hold the
wire."
I'd heard of that old maid sister of his, and how she was a queer old
girl; but I didn't have any idea what a cold blooded proposition she was.
Honest, she seemed put out and pettish because I'd called her up.
"Jeremiah again, hey?" she squeaks. "Now, why on earth don't he stay in
that sanatorium where I took him? This is the fourth time he's gone
wandering off, and I've been sent for to hunt him up. You just tell him
to trot back to it, that's all."
"But see here, Miss Fargo," says I, "he's been trottin' around until you
can't tell him anything! He's snoozin' away here in my office, dead to
the world."
"Well, I can't help it," says she. "I'm not going to be bothered with
Jeremiah to-day. I've got two sick cats to attend to."
"Cats!" says I. "Say, what do you----"
"Oh, hush up!" says she. "Do anything you like with him!" And hanged if
she don't bang up the receiver at that, and leave me standin' there at my
end of the wire lookin' silly.
"Talk about your freak plutes," says I to Tutwater, after I've explained
the situation, "if this ain't the limit! Look what I've got on my hands
now!"
Tutwater, he's standin' there gazin' hard at old Jerry Fargo, his eyes
shinin' and his thought works goin' at high pressure speed. All of a
sudden he slaps me on the back and grips me by the hand. "Professor,"
says he, "I have it! There is Opportunity!"
"Eh?" says I. "Old Jerry? How?"
"I shall cure him--restore his mind, make him normal," says Tutwater.
"What do you know about brushin' out batty lofts?" says I.
"Nothing at all," says he; "but I can find someone who does. You'll give
me Fargo, won't you?"
"Will I?" says I. "I'll advance you twenty to take him away, and charge
it up to him. But what'll you do with him?"
"Start the Tutwater Sanatorium for Deranged Millionaires," says he.
"There's a fortune in it. May I leave him here for an hour or so?"
"What for?" says I.
"Until I can engage my chief of staff," says he.
"Say, Tutty," says I, "do you really mean to put over a bluff the size of
that?"
"I've thought it all out," says he. "I can do it."
"All right, blaze ahead," says I; "but I'm bettin' you land in the lockup
inside of twenty-four hours."
What do you think, though? By three o'clock he comes back, towin' a
spruce, keen eyed young chap that he introduces as Dr. McWade. He's
picked him up over at Bellevue, where he found him doin' practice work in
the psychopathic ward. On the strength of that I doubles my grubstake,
and he no sooner gets his hands on the two sawbucks than he starts for
the street.
"Here, here!" says I. "Where you headed for now?"
And Tutwater explains how his first investment is to be a new silk lid,
some patent leather shoes, and a silver headed walkin' stick.
"Good business!" says I. "You'll need all the front you can carry."
And while he's out shoppin' the Doc and me and Swifty Joe lugs the
patient up to Tutwater's office without disturbin' his slumbers at all.
Well, I didn't see much more of Tutwater that day, for from then on he
was a mighty busy man; but as I was drillin' across to the Grand Central
on my way home I gets a glimpse of him, sportin' a shiny hat and white
spats, just rushin' important into a swell real estate office. About noon
next day he stops in long enough to shake hands and say that it's all
settled.
"Tutwater Sanatorium is a fact," says he. "I have the lease in my
pocket."
"What is it, some abandoned farm up in Vermont?" says I.
"Hardly," says Tutwater, smilin' quiet.
"It's Cragswoods; beautiful modern buildings, formerly occupied as a
boys' boarding school, fifteen acres of lovely grounds, finest location
in Westchester County. We take possession to-day, with our patient."
"But, say, Tutwater," says I, "how in blazes did you----"
"I produced Fargo," says he. "Dr. McWade has him under complete control
and his cure has already begun. It will be finished at Cragswoods. Run up
and see us soon. There's the address. So long."
Well, even after that, I couldn't believe he'd really pull it off.
Course, I knew he could make Fargo's name go a long ways if he used it
judicious; but to launch out and hire an estate worth half a million--why
he was makin' a shoestring start look like a sure thing.
And I was still listenin' for news of the grand crash, when I begun
seein' these items in the papers about the Tutwater Sanatorium.
"Millionaires Building a Stone Wall," one was headed, and it went on to
tell how five New York plutes, all sufferin' from some nerve breakdown,
was gettin' back health and clearin' up their brains by workin' like day
laborers under the direction of the famous specialist, Dr. Clinton
McWade.
"Aha!" says I. "He's added a press agent to the staff, and he sure has
got a bird!"
Every few days there's a new story bobs up, better than the last, until I
can't stand it any longer. I takes half a day off and goes up there to
see if he's actually doin' it. And, say, when I walks into the main
office over the Persian rug, there's the same old Tutwater. Course, he's
slicked up some fancy, and he's smokin' a good cigar; but you couldn't
improve any on the cheerful countenance he used to carry around, even
when he was up against it hardest. What I asks to see first is the five
millionaires at work.
"Seven, you mean," says Tutwater. "Two more came yesterday. Step right
out this way. There they are, seven; count 'em, seven. The eighth man is
a practical stone mason who is bossing the job. It's a good stone wall
they're building, too. We expect to run it along our entire frontage."
"Got 'em mesmerized?" says I.
"Not at all," says Tutwater. "It's part of the treatment. McWade's idea,
you know. The vocational cure, we call it, and it works like a charm. Mr.
Fargo is practically a well man now and could return to his home next
week if he wished. As it is, he's so much interested in finishing that
first section of the wall that he will probably stay the month out. You
can see for yourself what they are doing."
"Well, well!" says I. "Seven of 'em! What I don't understand, Tutwater,
is how you got so many patients so soon. Where'd you get hold of 'em?"
"To be quite frank with you, McCabe," says Tutwater, whisperin'
confidential in my ear, "only three of them are genuine paying patients.
That is why I have to charge them fifty dollars a day, you see."
"And the others?" says I.
"First class imitations, who are playing their parts very cleverly," says
he. "Why not? I engaged them through a reliable theatrical agency."
"Eh?" says I. "You salted the sanatorium? Tutwater, I take it all back.
You're in the other class, and I'm backin' you after this for whatever
entry you want to make."