A GRANDMOTHER WHO GOT GOING
Ever go on a grandmother hunt through the Red Ink District? Well, it
ain't a reg'lar amusement of mine, but it has its good points. Maybe I
wouldn't have tackled it at all if I hadn't begun by lettin' myself get
int'rested in Vincent's domestic affairs.
Now what I knew about this Vincent chap before we starts out on the
grandmother trail wouldn't take long to tell. He wa'n't any special
friend of mine. For one thing, he wears his hair cut plush. Course, it's
his hair, and if he wants to train it to stand up on top like a clothes
brush or a blacking dauber, who am I that should curl the lip of scorn?
Just the same, I never could feel real chummy towards anyone that sported
one of them self raisin' crests. Vincent wa'n't one of the chummy kind,
though. He's one of these stiff backed, black haired, brown eyed, quick
motioned, sharp spoken ducks, that wants what he wants when he wants it.
You know. He comes to the studio reg'lar, does his forty-five minutes'
work, and gets out without swappin' any more conversation than is
strictly necessary.
All the information I had picked up about him was that he hailed from up
the State somewhere, and that soon after he struck New York he married
one of the Chetwood girls. And that takes more or less capital to start
with. Guess Vincent had it; for I hear his old man left him quite a wad
and that now he's the main guy of a threshin' machine trust, or something
like that. Anyway, Vincent belongs in the four-cylinder plute class, and
he's beginnin' to be heard of among the alimony aristocracy.
But this ain't got anything to do with the way he happened to get
confidential all so sudden. He'd been havin' a kid pillow mix-up with
Swifty Joe, just as lively as if the thermometer was down to thirty
instead of up to ninety, and he's just had his rub down and got into his
featherweight serge, when in drifts this Rodney Kipp that's figurin' so
strong on the defense side of them pipe line cases.
"Ah, Vincent!" says he.
"Hello, Rodney!" says Vincent as they passes each other in the front
office, one goin' out and the other comin' in.
I'd never happened to see 'em meet before, and I'm some surprised that
they're so well acquainted. Don't know why, either, unless it is that
they're so different. Rodney, you know, is one of these light complected
heavyweights, and a swell because he was born so. I was wonderin' if
Rodney was one of Vincent's lawyers, or if they just belonged to the same
clubs; when Mr. Kipp swings on his heel and says:
"Oh, by the way, Vincent, how is grammy?"
"Why!" says Vincent, "isn't she out with you and Nellie?"
"No," says Rodney, "she stayed with us only for a couple of days. Nellie
said she hadn't heard from her for nearly two months, and told me to ask
you about her. So long. I'm due for some medicine ball work," and with
that he drifts into the gym. and shuts the door.
Vincent, he stands lookin' after him with a kind of worried look on his
face that was comical to see on such a cocksure chap as him.
"Lost somebody, have you?" says I.
"Why--er--I don't know," says Vincent, runnin' his fingers through the
bristles that waves above his noble brow. "It's grandmother. I can't
imagine where she can be."
"You must have grandmothers to burn," says I, "if they're so plenty with
you that you can mislay one now and then without missin' her."
"Eh?" says he. "No, no! She is really my mother, you know. I've got into
the way of calling her grammy only during the last three or four years."
"Oh, I see!" says I. "The grandmother habit is something she's contracted
comparative recent, eh? Ain't gone to her head, has it?"
Vincent couldn't say; but by the time he's quit tryin' to explain what
has happened I've got the whole story. First off he points out that
Rodney Kipp, havin' married his sister Nellie, is his brother-in-law,
and, as they both have a couple of youngsters, it makes Vincent's mother
a grammy in both families.
"Sure," says I. "I know how that works out. She stays part of the time
with you, and makes herself mighty popular with your kids; then she takes
her trunk over to Rodney's and goes through the same performance there.
And when she goes visitin' other places there's a great howl all round.
That's it, ain't it?"
It wa'n't, not within a mile, and I'd showed up my low, common breedin'
by suggesting such a thing. As gently as he could without hurtin' my
feelin's too much, Vincent explains that while my programme might be
strictly camel's foot for ordinary people, the domestic arrangements of
the upper classes was run on different lines. For instance, his little
Algernon Chetwood could speak nothing but French, that bein' the brand of
governess he'd always had, and so he naturally couldn't be very thick
with a grandmother that didn't understand a word of his lingo.
"Besides," says Vincent, "mother and my wife, I regret to say, have never
found each other very congenial."
I might have guessed it if I'd stopped to think of how an old lady from
the country would hitch with one of them high flyin' Chetwood girls.
"Then she hangs out with your sister, eh, and does her grandmother act
there?" says I.
"Well, hardly," says Vincent, colorin' up a little. "You see, Rodney has
never been very intimate with the rest of our family. He's a Kipp,
and---- Well, you can't blame him; for mother is rather old-fashioned. Of
course, she's good and kind-hearted and all that; but--but there isn't
much style about her."
"Still sticks to the polonaise of '81, and wears a straw lid she bought
durin' the Centennial, eh?" says I.
Vincent says that about tells the story.
"And where is it she's been livin' all this time that you've been gettin'
on so well in New York?" says I.
"In our old home, Tonawanda," says he, shudderin' some as he lets go of
the name. "It's where she should have stayed, too!"
"So-o-o-o?" says I. I'd been listenin' just out of politeness up to that
point; but from then on I got int'rested, and I don't let up until I've
pumped out of him all the details about just how much of a nuisance an
old, back number mother could be to a couple of ambitious young folks
that had grown up and married into the swell mob.
It was a case that ought to be held up as a warnin' to lots of
superfluous old mothers that ain't got any better taste than to keep on
livin' long after there's any use for 'em. Mother Vincent hadn't made
much trouble at first, for she'd had an old maid sister to take care of;
but when a bad case of the grip got Aunt Sophrony durin' the previous
winter, mother was left sort of floatin' around.
She tried visitin' back and forth between Vincent and Nellie just one
consecutive trip, and the experiment was such a frost that it caused
ructions in both families. In her Tonawanda regalia mother wa'n't an
exhibit that any English butler could be expected to pass the soup to and
still keep a straight face.
So Vincent thinks it's time to anchor her permanent somewhere. Accordin'
to his notion, he did the handsome thing too. He buys her a nice little
farm about a mile outside of Tonawanda, a place with a fine view of the
railroad tracks on the west and a row of brick yards to the east, and he
lands mother there with a toothless old German housekeeper for company.
He tells her he's settled a good comfortable income on her for life, and
leaves her to enjoy herself.
But look at the ingratitude a parent can work up! She ain't been there
more'n a couple of months before she begins complainin' about bein'
lonesome. She don't see much of the Tonawanda folks now, the housekeeper
ain't very sociable, the smoke from the brick yards yellows her Monday
wash, and the people she sees goin' by in the cars is all strangers.
Couldn't Vincent swap the farm for one near New York? She liked the looks
of the place when she was there, and wouldn't mind being closer.
"Of course," says he, "that was out of the question!"
"Oh, sure!" says I. "How absurd! But what's the contents of this late
bulletin about her being a stray?"
It was nothing more or less than that the old girl had sold up the farm a
couple of months back, fired the housekeeper, and quietly skipped for New
York. Vincent had looked for her to show up at his house, and when she
didn't he figured she must have gone to Nellie's. It was only when Rodney
Kipp fires the grammy question at him that he sees he's made a wrong
calculation and begins havin' cold feet.
"If she's here, alone in New York, there's no knowing what may be
happening to her," says he. "Why, she knows nothing about the city,
nothing at all! She might get run over, or fall in with disreputable
people, or----" The other pictures was so horrible he passes 'em up.
"Mothers must be a great care," says I. "I ain't had one for so long I
can't say on my own hook; but I judge that you and sister has had a hard
time of it with yours. Excuse me, though, if I don't shed any tears of
sympathy, Vincent."
He looks at me kind of sharp at that; but he's too busy with disturbin'
thoughts to ask what I mean. Maybe he'd found out if he had. It's just as
well he didn't; for I was some curious to see what would be his next
move. From his talk it's plain Vincent is most worried about the chances
of the old lady's doin' something that would get her name into the
papers, and he says right off that he won't rest easy until he's found
her and shooed her back to the fields.
"But where am I to look first?" says he. "How am I to begin?"
"It's a big town to haul a dragnet through, that's a fact," says I. "Why
don't you call in Brother-in-Law Rodney, for a starter?"
"No, no," says Vincent, glancin' uneasy at the gym. door. "I don't care
to have him know anything about it."
"Maybe sister might have some information," says I. "There's the
'phone."
"Thanks," says he. "If you don't mind, I will call her up at the Kipp
country place."
He does; but Nellie ain't heard a word from mother; thought she must be
with Vincent all this time; and has been too busy givin' house parties to
find out.
"Have her cross examine the maids," says I. "The old lady may have left
some orders about forwardin' her mail."
That was the clew. Inside of ten minutes Nellie 'phones back and gives a
number on West 21st-st.
"Gee!" says I. "A hamfatters' boardin'-house, I'll bet a bag of beans!
Grandmother has sure picked out a lively lodgin'-place."
"Horrible!" says Vincent. "I must get her away from there at once. But I
wish there was someone who----Shorty, could I get you to go along with me
and----"
"Rescuin' grandmothers ain't my long suit," says I; "but I'll admit I'm
some int'rested in this case. Come on."
By the time our clockwork cab fetches up in front of the prunery it's
after six o'clock. There's no mistakin' the sort of histrionic asylum it
was, either. A hungry lookin' bunch of actorets was lined up on the front
steps, everyone of 'em with an ear stretched out for the dinner bell. In
the window of the first floor front was a beauty doctor's sign, a bull
fiddle-artist was sawin' out his soul distress in the hall bedroom above,
and up under the cornice the Chicini sisters was leanin' on the ledge and
wishin' the folks back in Saginaw would send on that grubstake letter
before the landlady got any worse. But maybe you've seen samples of real
dogday tragedy among the profesh, when the summer snaps have busted and
the fall rehearsals have just begun. What, Mabel?
"It's a sure enough double-in-brass roost," says I. "Don't say anything
that sounds like contract, or you'll be mobbed."
But they sizes Vincent up for a real estate broker, and gives him the
chilly stare, until he mentions the old lady's name. Then they thaws out
sudden.
"Oh, the Duchess!" squeals a couple in chorus. "Why, she always dines
out, you know. You'll find her around at Doughretti's, on 27th-st."
"Duchess!" says Vincent. "I--I'm afraid there's some mistake."
"Not at all," says one of the crowd. "We all call her that. She's got
Little Spring Water with her to-night. Doughretti's, just in from the
avenue, is the place."
And Vincent is the worst puzzled gent you ever saw as he climbs back into
the cab.
"It can't be mother they mean," says he. "No one would ever think of
calling her Duchess."
"There's no accountin' for what them actorines would do," says I.
"Anyway, all you got to do is take a peek at the party, and if it's a
wrong steer we can go back and take a fresh start."
You know Doughretti's, if you don't you know a dozen just like it. It's
one of these sixty-cent table dotty joints, with an electric name sign, a
striped stoop awnin', and a seven-course menu manifolded in pale purple
ink. You begin the agony with an imitation soup that looks like Rockaway
beach water when the tide's comin' in, and you end with a choice of
petrified cheese rinds that might pass for souvenirs from the Palisades.
If you don't want to taste what you eat, you let 'em hand you a free
bottle of pure California claret, vatted on East Houston-st. It's a
mixture of filtered Croton, extra quality aniline dyes, and two kinds of
wood alcohol, and after you've had a pint of it you don't care whether
the milk fed Philadelphia chicken was put in cold storage last winter, or
back in the year of the big wind.
Madam Doughretti had just fed the Punk Lady waltz into the pianola for
the fourth time as we pulls up at the curb.
"It's no use," says Vincent. "She wouldn't be here. I will wait, though,
while you take a look around; if you will, Shorty."
On the way over he's given me a description of his missin' parent; so I
pikes up the steps, pushes past the garlic smells, and proceeds to
inspect the groups around the little tables. What I'm lookin' for is a
squatty old party with gray hair pasted down over her ears, and a waist
like a bag of hay tied in the middle. She's supposed to be wearin' a
string bonnet about the size of a saucer, with a bunch of faded velvet
violets on top, a coral brooch at her neck, and either a black alpaca or
a lavender sprigged grenadine. Most likely, too, she'll be doin' the
shovel act with her knife.
Well, there was a good many kinds of females scattered around the coffee
stained tablecloths, but none that answers to these specifications. I was
just gettin' ready to call off the search, when I gets my eye on a couple
over in one corner. The gent was one of these studio Indians, with his
hair tucked inside his collar.
The old girl facin' him didn't have any Tonawanda look about her, though.
She was what you might call a frosted pippin, a reg'lar dowager dazzler,
like the pictures you see on fans. Her gray hair has been spliced out
with store puffs until it looks like a weddin' cake; her hat is one of
the new wash basin models, covered with pink roses that just matches the
color of her cheeks; and her peek-a-poo lace dress fits her like it had
been put onto her with a shoe horn.
Sure, I wa'n't lookin' for any such party as this; but I can't help
takin' a second squint. I notices what fine, gentle old eyes she has, and
while I was doin' that I spots something else. Just under her chin is one
of them antique coral pins. Course, it looked like a long shot, but I
steps out to the door and motions Vincent to come in.
"I expect we're way off the track," says I; "but I'd like to have you
take a careless glance at the giddy old party over under the kummel sign
in the corner; the one facin' this way--there."
Vincent gives a jump at the first look. Then he starts for her full tilt,
me trailin' along and whisperin' to him not to make any fool break unless
he's dead sure. But there's no holdin' him back. She's so busy chattin'
with the reformed Sioux in store clothes that she don't notice Vincent
until he's right alongside, and just as she looks up he lets loose his
indignation.
"Why, grandmother!" says he.
She don't seem so much jarred as you might think. She don't even drop the
fork that she's usin' to twist up a gob of spaghetti on. All she does is
to lift her eyebrows in a kind of annoyed way, and shoot a quick look at
the copper tinted gent across the table.
"There, there, Vincent?" says she. "Please don't grandmother me; at
least, not in public."
"But," says he, "you know that you are a----"
"I admit nothing of the kind," says she. "I may be your mother; but as
for being anybody's grandmother, that is an experience I know nothing
about. Now please run along, Vincent, and don't bother."
That leaves Vincent up in the air for keeps. He don't know what to make
of this reception, or of the change that happened to her; but he feels he
ought to register some sort of a kick.
"But, mother," says he, "what does this mean? Such clothes! And
such--such"--here he throws a meanin' look at the Indian gent.
"Allow me," says grandmother, breakin' in real dignified, "to introduce
Mr. John Little Bear, son of Chief Won-go-plunki. I am very sorry to
interrupt our talk on art, John; but I suppose I must say a few words to
Vincent. Would you mind taking your coffee on the back veranda?"
He was a well-trained red man, John was, and he understands the back out
sign; so inside of a minute the crockery has been pushed away and I'm
attendin' a family reunion that appears to be cast on new lines. Vincent
begins again by askin' what it all means.
"It means, Vincent," says she, "that I have caught up with the
procession. I tried being the old-fashioned kind of grandmother, and I
wasn't a success. Now I'm learning the new way, and I like it first
rate."
"But your--your clothes!" gasps Vincent.
"Well, what of them?" says she. "You made fun of the ones I used to wear;
but these, I would have you know, were selected for me by a committee of
six chorus ladies who know what is what. I am quite satisfied with my
clothes, Vincent."
"Possibly they're all right," says he; "but how--how long have you been
wearing your hair that way?"
"Ever since Madam Montrosini started on my improvement course," says she.
"I am told it is quite becoming. And have you noticed my new waist line,
Vincent?"
Vincent hadn't; but he did then, and he had nothin' to say, for she has
an hourglass lookin' like a hitchin' post. Not bein' able to carry on the
debate under them headings, he switches and comes out strong on what an
awful thing it was for her to be livin' among such dreadful people.
"Why," says grandmother, "they're real nice, I'm sure. They have been
just as good to me as they could be. They take turns going out to dinner
with me and showing me around the town."
"Good heavens!" says Vincent. "And this--this Bear person, does he----"
"He is an educated, full blooded Sioux," says grandmother. "He has toured
Europe with Buffalo Bill, and just now he is an artists' model. He is
very entertaining company, Johnny is."
"Johnny!" gasps Vincent under his breath. That's the last straw. He lays
down the law then and there to grandmother. If she ever expects him to
recognize her again, she must shake this whole crowd and come with him.
"Where to, Vincent?" says she.
"Why, to my home, of course," says he.
"And have your wife's maid speak of me as a dumpy old scarecrow? No,
thank you!" and she calls the waiter to bring a demitasse with cognac.
"But no one could call you that now, mother," says Vincent. "You--you're
different, quite different."
"Oh, am I?" says she.
"To be sure you are," says he. "Julia and I would be glad to have you
with us. Really, we would."
She was a good natured old girl, grandmother was. She says she'll try it;
but only on one condition. It was a corker, too. If she's going to give
all her good friends at the actors' boardin' house the shake, she thinks
it ought to be done at a farewell dinner at the swellest place in town.
Vincent groans; but he has to give in. And that's how it happens the
other night that about two dozen liberty people walked up from Appetite
Row and fed themselves off Sherry's gold plates until the waiters was
weak in the knees watchin' 'em.
"Is the old lady still leadin' the band wagon, Vincent!" says I to him
yesterday.
"She is," says he, "and it is wonderful how young she has grown."
"New York is a great place for rejuvenatin' grandmothers," says I,
"specially around in the Red Ink Zone."