FOR PUBLIC AND PRIVATE BENEFIT.
The alternate system, as Lady Twentifold called it, happily prevails in
the national England, as well as in the domestic. When one batch of
Statesmen has done a world of harm, and are getting skilful at it--as in
three years, or four at the outside, they are sure to learn to be--a cry
of "Turn them out" begins first in the gallery.
Then the people who pay more, look up, and soon become inclined to rap
their sticks. Before long, a general demand arises, for the room rather
than the company, of the individuals on the platform. If they are
gentlemen, they make their bow, and retire, heartily wishing bad luck to
their successors. But if they are--something that rhymes with Rads, they
pretend to hear nought, till a stunning row arises; and then they do
this, they call out--
"Policeman, let in all the public, who had got no tickets. They won't
have seen any part of our performance; and therefore they can judge
impartially."
This was the very thing going on just now. The Government had no leg
left to stand on,--a very good reason for their not going out,--but
sitting on the quarter, which had been well kicked (to keep Britannia's
in countenance) they were doing what we little boys in Maiden Lane were
clever at, (until the new system abstracted our material) that is to
say, making go-cartfuls of dust, to blow through a pipe at the inquiring
public.
Seven measures, of primary importance, had been promised; and hecatons
of wise rogues had been sent round, to inoculate the public with an itch
for home-dust, as a pleasant little change from the national mud-stains.
And a flourish of trumpets had filled the air of England, with a
Krakatoa volume of that fine material, which contains the germs of
everything. In the gracious speech from (their own cracks in) the
Throne, Ministers solemnly informed the Country, that internal repairs
were its urgent need, and the only way to make them was to pull it all
in pieces, and double all the stuff, with the blessing of the Lord. The
good old material had groaned at this; but what is the use of groaning,
with the hatchet in the air?
The first need of all was to get rid of landowners. Land belongs to
every one, and therefore to no one. Why have men got feet, except to
plant them where they like? Nature has implanted in the human heart a
profound desire for the ownership of land. This proves, that everybody
must own land. But how, without kicking every other body out? Towards
that, the first step is, to kick out present owners. When the others get
in, they must be kicked out too. There is no other way to have it
cultivated properly; but this will ensure a "succession of crops." A
narrow-minded man may fight hard to keep his foot upon what he has spent
his hands and mind in earning. But with a little patience, that evil
will die out.
Nothing can be simpler than to provide, that after a certain date, no
landowner shall be capable of prolonging his unjust tenure, by the
suppeditation of heirs to his estate. No physical means will be taken to
this end. He will still remain in full enjoyment of every British right,
civil, moral, social, and politico-oeconomical. But he must not have
children; or if he dares to do so, the State will take them from him;
and enlist them in the Army, at the usual age of British
soldiers--sixteen. Or if they be girls, they will have a free passage to
the Chiefs guaranteed to be ravaged by the Boers.
The second great measure was the Dust-bin franchise, or--at sufficient
distance from London to ensure intelligence--that of the Dust-pan. A
sanitary, not to say a necessary measure, appealing to every heart and
hearth.
The third, (whose preamble was eloquence itself, to such an extent that
it cannot be cited) enabled the surrender, without consideration, of all
strong places, at present held by Her Majesty's forces, upon foreign
soil, or soil which (without such British occupation) would be foreign
to this realm. Also, of all British ships of war, whether built to pass
over the waves, or beneath them, together with all fittings, and
implements of war, (in proportions to be defined by the schedules
thereafter) to the following Powers; that is to say, France, Russia, and
the Irish Republic, heretofore better known as the Land-League.
The fourth Bill provided for the abolition of every Municipal
Corporation, or other corporate, or incorporate, body of burgesses, or
ancient freemen, making claim to deal with their own affairs, without
licence from the Home Secretary, or the Local Government Board, or the
Railway Station, that might be nearest. Unless such Municipal Body could
show, that they had not been constituted for more than ten years, and
consisted entirely of Liberals.
Short and sweet was the fifth Bill of Government. It had no preamble but
this, "Whereas no Englishman knows how to govern himself," and then it
enacted, that no man should play cards, chess, back-gammon, quoits,
skittles, billiards, bagatelle, or any other game of chance, or skill,
except in the presence of a certified policeman, at a distance of not
less than half a mile from any Licensed Victualler, with no more than
two sterling pence at stake; every such game to be discontinued,
immediately upon the Home-Secretary's yawn, which would be announced
throughout all English counties, by telephonic agency. But in Scotland,
and Wales, and wherever else the Liberal cause was predominant, all
people might play, whenever, wherever, and for whatsoever sum, they
pleased.
Of the sixth Bill, the man of the greatest experience, and insight to be
found, (at any cubeage of mileage from London, and all its stupidity)
could not make head, or tail; though he sat up, until a policeman from
the Home Department ordered him to bed. The only theory at all to be
entertained about it, was that the gentleman, entrusted with the draft,
had taken another, to inspire him for his labours; or else had imbibed,
too deeply perhaps, the spirit of his subject. It was all about Ireland,
(from which the great St. Patrick expelled all the devils, on the herd
of swine system,--except that they stopped at home, as well as swam the
Channel) for nothing can ever convey, to the unmeasurable apogee of
Radical brains, the wisdom of leaving unstirred Camerina. Since that
party, by means of cold summers and hot ravings, stuck their heels into
the Country's ribs, they had never allowed it to chew anything, but
black wild oats of Ireland. Perish India, perish Colonies, perish
England, perish everything, except savages who stab all kindness! And
their last panacea was this great measure,--to govern Ireland, according
to Irish ideas. "Whereas no Irishman obeys the laws, and thereby incurs,
illegally, irrationally, and unjustly, the stigma of lawlessness; be it
enacted, that after the passing of this Act, there shall be no laws in
Ireland." With the aid of Hibernian Members, this Bill was certain to
pass; and it could do no harm.
The seventh, and last, of the measures, upon which the Government staked
its existence, (although they had fifty-two more, which they pledged
themselves to carry, if shoved on much) was sensible, and simple, and
consistent with all Legislation in that province. It merely prohibited
the opening of flowers, whether under glass, or out of doors, after six
o'clock p.m. Forasmuch as a scientific Member had assured the Licensed
Anti-Victualler, that divers of them are guilty of intoxicating agency.