_FAMES FAMÆ._
What is a fame, that overleaps distinctions? And how may a poor fellow
get hold of it? I knew a man once, who could crackle all his knuckles,
like a pair of four-chambered revolvers, and then fire off his wrists,
and elbows, like double-barrelled rifles, after them. We called him the
"distinguished knuckle-duster;" and he called himself, the "famous
artilleryman." Would an exploit of that sort overleap the pride of
birth; and endow our humble candles with the winding-sheet of pedigree?
It was not in my nature, to be put down, without having something to say
for it. My mind was of ordinary substance, and perhaps rather heavy; to
balance the body, as well as to keep the heart company, at times when
the pair were in trouble together. But my body was not a mere somebody,
neither an anybody, nor a common nobody; but a substance, in some wise
remarkable, and surely as distinguished as that of the great
knuckle-duster. He had won fame, to his own satisfaction; by deeds more
surprising to the public ear, but far less so to the public eye, than
those of which I was capable.
Now, which is more potent, the ear, or the eye? Which throws the
quickest flash into the brain, and fills it with action the longest?
Even before we have learned enough of speech, to be certain that all men
are liars, how slowly creep in, at the sides of the head, the things
that leap in, at the front of it! "Hot are the stings of the eye, but
cold the pains of the ear," says an ancient; pithier for once than
Horace.
This being so, what should prevent me, from attaining a hotter fame than
even Mr. Panclast's? He could beat his drum upon the ear alone, and
sound his own trumpet into waxy cells; but I could fly straight into the
retina of the brain, and block the whole traffic of the optic nerve.
"I will cultivate the lofty gifts of nature," I exclaimed, when
everybody else was gone to bed; "for the sake of my country, I am bound
to do it. Sir Roland was right, and the great Professor wrong. Why did
he say to me--'Fly no more; aerial Tommy, fly no more'? Why, simply
because he is a Rad, and foresees confusion to the Rad race, in my
powers when developed. So far as my own convictions go, there is
scarcely the seed of a fig, between a Rad, and a Tory, when they are let
alone. But the difference is, that a Rad can be lashed up, like a
half-broken horse, into any fit of kicking, and cares not a rap, what he
smashes in his rage. But a Tory is far less impetuous; he has a much
stronger perception of the rights of others, and especially of his
country's claim upon him. Such are the men, who are needed now. Panclast
has an extraordinary gift of lashing up quiet folk, to kick against
their neighbours, and of running round the corner, when his own legs
are in jeopardy. However, he is the master of the yard for the present,
in virtue of his powers of swearing, Roly says--but there must be a
great deal more than that."
The upshot of my very callow reflections, was that I determined, to
begin, at once, to improve my long dormant aerial gifts. Or rather, I
should say, my repressed, and snubbed, and even dreaded specialty, of
rising from the ground. Although my frame was firmer, and more weighty
than it used to be, and therefore less elastic, and expansive, than in
boyhood, there was room enough to hope, that some of, if not all these
losses might be retrieved, by care and skill, by regimen, strict diet,
and the increased power of the muscles. And if these proved
insufficient, there could be no doubt of one thing--a very little
artificial aid would liberate me, from the growing tyranny of
gravitation.
With all this in my mind, I went to bed, and dreamed a dream; which,
contrary to the usual laws of such visitants, became of the very
greatest service to me.
My conscience had reproached me, while I said my prayers, for a very
unworthy, and unjust reflection, upon Professor Megalow, as above set
down. From him, I had received the very greatest kindness; and to
imagine, that any party motives could have led him to dissuade me from
invading the upper firmament, was very mean and nasty of me, as well as
most absurd. He was not at all a partisan, or active politician, but
quietly held his opinions, upon reasons which satisfied him, and
therefore cannot have been weak ones. And my last thoughts, or nearly
so, having been about him, he appeared to me naturally in my sleep.
I dreamed, that I stood between Professor Megalow and my old enemy,
Professor Brachipod, in the schoolroom of the _Partheneion_. Dr.
Rumbelow also was in the distance; with his college-cap on, and the
biggest of all his canes under his arm. The two learned professors were
discussing my case, with very great interest, and some warmth.
"He will never fly again," said Professor Megalow; "he is too solid now,
and his bones are all set."
"The very reason for his flying all the more," quoth Brachipod,
contradictory even in a dream. "He can not only mount, but propel
himself now. See, I manipulate him, and off he goes, ten times as high
as he ever went before!"
Then he did something to me, and up I went; while he shouted, "That
proves my theory. Can anything be finer? Chocolous, Mullicles, and
Jargoon, come and confess, what a set of fools you are. Bravo, Tommy,
use your arms and legs!"
With such powerful action did I do this, while rushing up swift as a
rocket, that I knocked half the roof of the _Partheneion_ off, yet stuck
fast somehow, and could scarcely breathe.
And no wonder; for round my neck, when I awoke, was the linen sheet,
tight as a bowstring; while my poor arms and legs, instead of oaring
ambient air, were all twisted up in the counterpane, and blanket, like
an "apple-pie bed," combined with what we used to call "cat's cradle."
But the worst of all was, that I could not remember, (though I sat up in
the bed, and thought, as soon as I was free) what in the world it was,
that had been done to me, by Professor Brachipod, to send me up over
people's heads at such a pace!
Neither, in the morning, could I call to mind an atom of the thing, that
I wanted so much to recollect; though I knew, that it was something very
simple, and most easy, and such as I could manage at almost any
moment--just the very thing, in fact which alone was needed, to restore
my early powers, and perhaps to place them, in some measure, under my
own command. After cudgelling my slow brain to no purpose, I resolved to
take the bull by the horns, and do no less, than go, and see Professor
Brachipod himself.
On the brink of an enterprise so perilous, duty alike to my friends, and
self, demanded all possible precaution. The first thing I did was to
tell Uncle Bill--for I feared to let my mother know--whither he should
send for my remains, if I did not come home by dinner-time. Also I took
a most trusty friend, to walk up and down, on the opposite side of the
street, and listen keenly for any squeal, at all like vivisection. Also,
I had a great mind to buy an American revolver, but felt ashamed of such
a relapse into savagedom, and was satisfied with a bit of English oak;
such as my quickness of turn might avail with, against a robustness
above my own. So with _Grip_ at my heels, I rang the bell.
The Professor was at home, and in answer to my card, sent a nice young
lady, of Brachipod race, to say that he was just in the crisis of a very
important experiment, but would come to me in a few minutes, if I could
kindly wait so long.
"I am afraid we must hardly let that fine dog in;" she said, with a
pleasant smile, which made me feel ashamed. "I am very fond of them; but
dear papa is a little nervous now; he has not been well lately."
"I hope you will pardon me for bringing him," I answered, "but he is
very old, and a walk is such a treat to him. May I put him in some
outhouse? He is as quiet as a lamb. Oh, thank you; that will do
beautifully. I hope, I am not interrupting the Professor; his time, of
course, is so valuable."
Presently he came down; and I was thoroughly ashamed of my own alarm.
Instead of the Brachipod, who used to jump, and gesticulate, and poke
knuckles into me, I beheld an infirm, and disabled old man, who was
killing himself prematurely, by wanting to know too much about it. His
face was melancholy, and almost pitiful, as if from perpetual
disappointment; his forehead was channeled with a chart of hopeless
soundings; and even the vivacity of his eyes was sad.
"I am very glad to see you," he said kindly, and gazing with a little
sigh at me. "I remember you well. But how much you are grown! I fear we
used to frighten you, in the days gone by. We took the wrong course
altogether. If we had only been gentle, and patient, we might have done
much with your singular case, and learned things of very deep interest.
It was bad luck. There were too many of us, and the spirit of rivalry
spoiled everything. I should have kept you to myself, as I had every
right to do. But poor Jargoon, and unhappy Chocolous--you have heard
what a sad loss all Science has sustained? Have you not? They have both
fallen victims to the spirit of research. I ought not to grieve for
them; for there can be no nobler termination to a scientific life.
Jargoon, as you know, had a doltish theory--though I should not call it
that, when he cannot contradict me--about the universal action on all
organisms, of what he called gaseous expansion. He made a great
discovery, as he believed, of a primary element, 'Proto-hylic
Nephelin,'--intensely inflammable in combination. He was trying its
effects upon the human system, by inhalation through a straw; when
unhappily Mrs. Jargoon struck a match, to seal an important letter. In a
moment, the Professor, and his theories were abolished; so exhaustively,
that they could hold the inquest, upon nothing but the calcination of
his left glass-eye."
"I never heard anything more shocking," I exclaimed, forgetting all the
evil, in the sadness of his end, and admiring the courage of the great
discoverer. "And poor Professor Chocolous--was he abolished too?"
"Not so entirely; but perhaps more sadly. You know that by his theory--a
perfectly absurd one--all causation was referred to the agency of
bacilli--_bacteria_ we used to call them, but the other word is the more
correct. Moreover, he was indulging in a life-long hope, to establish,
in his own person, the one thing which alone convinces the
multitude,--ocular proof (as the outsiders term it) that the human race
has lost its noblest, and far more essential member than the head is--in
a word, its tail, by assuming an attitude never contemplated, in the
scientific stages of evolution. A learned American has, in my opinion,
cut the ground from under the feet of Chocolous, by showing that the
caudal loss results from the abandonment of the quadrumanous life; and
that the only chance of recovery lies in the resignation, not of chair,
but house, and the reinstitution of arboreal habitude. But, to pretermit
his theories, (which appear to me weak and outrageous) his end, before
even the nucleolus of a tail was established, is a most melancholy tale.
The very day after he had inoculated his dextral ulna with a new
bacillus (discovered in the windpipe of a duck) he received,--as the
rule is with learned Germans, and the exception with learned
Englishmen,--a most flattering invitation--which is in fact a
command--to present himself in very high quarters. You may suppose, what
a fuss he was in--for few of those foreigners have much self-respect--to
put himself into his very best clothes, and to have all his theories
ready in his hat. I suppose, that he would not be allowed to carry that,
but I have never had the opportunity of learning."
"Surely, sir," I said, "with all your fame, and all the immense things,
that you have discovered----"
"No, Tommy, no!" he replied, with much meekness; "but my scientific
status is none the worse for that. However, Herr Chocolous, the
distinguished German, was happy to be thought worth looking at; and he
prepared himself well, in every point but one. He should have provided
himself with cross-trees, or guttapercha buffers, ever so small, just to
take his bearing. 'What will you do, if you have to sit down?' I asked
him, with some prescience of the woe in store for him. 'Bosh!' was his
answer, for he loved that word, 'zey vill never ask a poor man, like
me, to seet!' 'Well, I dare say not,' I replied, having never found any
occasion to understand such things; and off he went, standing up in a
Hansom, and looking more like Punch, than a man of any science.
"About a fortnight afterwards, I was sent for, not to Court; oh no, no
fear of that for an Englishman!--but to the death-bed of our poor
Chocolous; for whom I had always entertained sincere affection and
profound respect. I found him as lively as ever, and jumping, to show me
how his theories had been established. There was no Mrs. Chocolous, as
perhaps you know; and nobody to care for him, except the
maid-of-all-work. But she was crying dreadfully; and he was proving to
her some new and unsustainable theory of bacilli.
"'I vill be dead,' he cried, 'zis time to-morrow. For vy? For because my
teory is ze true one. Both of zem, both of zem, proved in one second!
Prachibot, if you leeve, tree tousand year, never you vill have sush
triomp!'
"Of course I could not contradict him then; but as soon as I came to
hear all about it, the only thing proved was the soundness of my advice.
For it seems, that as soon as he had been introduced, and received most
graciously; another great German appeared, of even superior eminence in
another line. And our poor friend Chocolous was kindly asked to sit. He
pretended not to hear, and made a very fine retreat, with a deep bow,
and one heel going back behind the other. But not even so, could he back
out. Very nicely, but firmly, was he told, (in total ignorance of all
his magnificent theories) to sit down; which is not supposed to be the
proper thing, in such a presence. The chairs were rather large, and had
a very slippery covering, being at the same time hard, and bright.
Nothing could be worse for a man to sit upon, who was cherishing hopes
of inaugurating the recovery of our lost member.
"What could he do? He could neither sit down, nor by any means refuse to
do so; the third course (as a great master of shuffling puts it) was to
sit, and yet not to sit. And this the poor Professor was obliged to do,
in a posture of cardinal adversity. He brought his _scapulæ_ to bear
against the back of the chair, which was upright; then he super-posed,
but not imposed, the sessile portion of his organisation; supporting his
weight by his right wrist entirely, and maintaining non-contact in the
critical quarters with the unscientific institution. This was most
skilfully managed; as only a man deeply grounded in organisation could
have organised it; and but for one little point, all had been well. This
point was the simultaneity, of the great bacillar experiment, with the
peril to caudal aspirations. Between two stools, or rather I should say,
between the ulnar and the lumbar difficulty, Science lost one of her
very brightest stars. The ligatures, skilfully placed to confine the
experiment to a safe area, gave way, beneath the whole burden of a
well-fed frame. The issue need not be described, although most deeply
interesting. Mortification ensued; and our friend, acknowledged to be
foremost in a most important study, left nothing but his papers, which I
am now preparing, with the aid of Mullicles, for publication."
"What a sad case!" I could not help exclaiming; "really it seems, as if
Science destroyed all her great admirers, as the female spider does; in
addition to all the poor flies of the public. I do hope, Professor, that
you will take care of yourself."
"There is no fear for me, because all my theories are sound," he
replied, with a sweet smile of certainty; "but I have great misgivings
about Mullicles. Histic fluxion, as he calls it, is his craze; and he
pushes his experiments beyond the bounds of prudence. I am sure that it
must be a great blow to you, to have heard, that of the four learned
men, who desired to promote your interests in early life, two alone are
left, for the study of your case. You are come to me, I doubt not,
because you have discovered, with the aid of Professor Megalow (from
whom I have heard of you, more than once, as a very promising acolyte)
that my theory about you was the true one. I would only request you to
be candid with me."
I was touched by his diffidence, and gladly told him everything; how the
death of my dear father had entirely deprived me of all my early
buoyancy through sudden exultation; and how, instead of that, my only
tendency to rise was apparently created now by wrath, and sense of
wrong. But even this, I told him, was a rare case now; especially as I
had done my utmost to repress it. Then I added, that I wished, for
reasons which I need not mention, to recover my peculiar gift, but keep
it under my own control.
"I can promise you all but that last," he replied; "and that you can
only secure, by returning to your former system of artificial weights.
See how exactly everything has verified my diagnosis! 'Organic
levigation' was the term I used, as if by a happy insight; and no better
explanation can be rendered now. My dear young friend, you must place
yourself entirely under my directions. But unhappily, I cannot undertake
the matter _gratis_; though my ardour for Science would induce me so to
do, if my circumstances were as they ought to be. You are well aware of
the disgraceful fact, that in England there is no State-subvention for
the highest of all purposes--scientific research. We spend all our
substance, and our brains, without emolument, or honour; while those who
make improvements in some trumpery handicraft, or poison the public by
pure quackery, obtain position, and title, and large fortunes."
"But not the fame!" I answered with my usual politeness; and he smiled,
and his pale, worn eyes glistened, through his double glasses.
Then I asked what his terms would be; and found them so moderate, that I
doubled them; as was only fair to his high repute. But he made me pledge
my honour to one thing--that during his lifetime I would not divulge his
method, if it proved successful. I am happy to say that he still is
living, and of very great renown, and good position; so that my promise
remains still in force.