PREPARING FOR THE ORDEAL.
But to return to my work and my mission. After receiving my instructions
I returned to my boarding-house, and when evening came I began to
practice the _role_ in which I was to make my _debut_ on the morrow.
What a difficult task, I thought, to appear before a crowd of people and
convince them that I was insane. I had never been near insane persons
before in my life, and had not the faintest idea of what their actions
were like. And then to be examined by a number of learned physicians who
make insanity a specialty, and who daily come in contact with insane
people! How could I hope to pass these doctors and convince them that I
was crazy? I feared that they could not be deceived. I began to think my
task a hopeless one; but it had to be done. So I flew to the mirror and
examined my face. I remembered all I had read of the doings of crazy
people, how first of all they must have staring eyes, and so I opened
mine as wide as possible and stared unblinkingly at my own reflection. I
assure you the sight was not reassuring, even to myself, especially in
the dead of night. I tried to turn the gas up higher in hopes that it
would raise my courage. I succeeded only partially, but I consoled
myself with the thought that in a few nights more I would not be there,
but locked up in a cell with a lot of lunatics.
The weather was not cold; but, nevertheless, when I thought of what was
to come, wintery chills ran races up and down my back in very mockery of
the perspiration which was slowly but surely taking the curl out of my
bangs. Between times, practicing before the mirror and picturing my
future as a lunatic, I read snatches of improbable and impossible ghost
stories, so that when the dawn came to chase away the night, I felt that
I was in a fit mood for my mission, yet hungry enough to feel keenly
that I wanted my breakfast. Slowly and sadly I took my morning bath and
quietly bade farewell to a few of the most precious articles known to
modern civilization. Tenderly I put my tooth-brush aside, and, when
taking a final rub of the soap, I murmured, “It may be for days, and it
may be—for longer.” Then I donned the old clothing I had selected for
the occasion. I was in the mood to look at everything through very
serious glasses. It’s just as well to take a last “fond look,” I mused,
for who could tell but that the strain of playing crazy, and being shut
up with a crowd of mad people, might turn my own brain, and I would
never get back. But not once did I think of shirking my mission. Calmly,
outwardly at least, I went out to my crazy business.
I first thought it best to go to a boarding-house, and, after securing
lodging, confidentially tell the landlady, or lord, whichever it might
chance to be, that I was seeking work, and, in a few days after,
apparently go insane. When I reconsidered the idea, I feared it would
take too long to mature. Suddenly I thought how much easier it would be
to go to a boarding-home for working women. I knew, if once I made a
houseful of women believe me crazy, that they would never rest until I
was out of their reach and in secure quarters.
From a directory I selected the Temporary Home for Females, No. 84
Second Avenue. As I walked down the avenue, I determined that, once
inside the Home, I should do the best I could to get started on my
journey to Blackwell’s Island and the Insane Asylum.