When Wilfrid reached home, he found his mother by herself in the
drawing-room. Winnie had a headache, or some other of those aches which
depend upon temper and the state of the mind, and Aunt Agatha was
sitting by her, in the darkened room, with bottles of eau de Cologne,
and sal volatile, and smelling salts, and all the paraphernalia of this
kind of indisposition. Aunt Agatha had been apt to take headaches
herself in her younger days when she happened to be crossed, and she was
not without an idea that it was a very orthodox resource for a woman
when she could not have her own way. And thus they were shut up,
exchanging confidences. It did poor Winnie good, and it did not do Miss
Seton any harm. And Mary was alone downstairs. She was not looking so
bright as when Wilfrid went away. The idea which Sir Edward had
suggested to her, even if it had taken no hold of her mind, had breathed
on her a possible cloud; and she looked up wistfully at her boy as he
came in. Wilfrid, too, bore upon his face, to some extent, the marks of
what he had been doing; but then his mother did not know what he had
been doing, and could not guess what the dimness meant which was over
his countenance. It was not a bright face at any time, but was often
lost in mists, and its meaning veiled from his mother's eyes; and she
could not follow him, this time any more than other times, into the
uncertain depths. All she could do was to look at him wistfully, and
long to see a little clearer, and wonder, as she had so often wondered,
how it was that his thoughts and ways were so often out of her ken--how
it was that children could go so far away, and be so wholly sundered,
even while at the very side of those who had nursed them on their
knees, and trained them to think and feel. A standing wonder, and yet
the commonest thing in nature. Mary felt it over again with double force
to-day, as he came and brought her her wool and bits of ribbon, and she
looked into his face and did not know what its meaning was.
As for Will, it was a curious sensation for him, too, on his part. It
was such an opportunity as he could scarcely have looked for, for
opening to his mother the great discovery he had made, and the great
changes that might follow. He could have had it all out with her and put
his power into operation, and seen what its effects were, without fear
of being disturbed. But he shrank from it, he could not tell why. He was
not a boy of very fastidious feelings, but still to sit there facing her
and look into her face, and tell her that he had been inquiring into her
past life, and had found out her secret, was more than Will was capable
of. To meditate doing it, and to think over what he would say, and to
arrange the words in which he would tell her that it was still one of
her sons who would have Earlston--was a very different thing from fairly
looking her in the face and doing it. He stared at her for a moment in a
way which startled Mary; and then the impossibility became evident to
him, and he turned his eyes away from her and sat down.
"You look a little strange, Will," said Mary. "Are you tired, or has
anything happened? You startled me just now, you looked so pale."
"No, I am not tired," said Will, in his curt way. "I don't know anything
about being pale."
"Well, you never were very rosy," said Mrs. Ochterlony. "I did not
expect you so soon. I thought you would have gone to the Askells', and
come home with Hugh."
"I never thought of that. I thought you wanted your wool and things,"
said Will.
It was very slight, ordinary talk, and yet it was quivering with meaning
on both sides, though neither knew what the other's meaning was. Will,
for his part, was answering his mother's questions with something like
the suppressed mania of homicide within him, not quite knowing whether
at any moment the subdued purpose might not break out, and kill, and
reveal itself; whereas his mother, totally unsuspecting how far things
had gone, was longing to discover whether Percival had gained any power
over him, and what that adversary's tactics were.
"Have you seen anybody?" she said. "By the way, Sir Edward was talking
of Major Percival--he seemed to think that he might still be in
Carlisle. Did you by any chance see anything of him there?"
She fixed her eyes full upon him as she spoke, but Will did not in any
way shrink from her eyes.
"No," he said carelessly. "I did not see him. He told me he was going to
stay a day or two in Carlisle, but I did not look out for him,
particularly. He gets to be a bore after the first."
When Mary heard this, her face cleared up like the sky after a storm. It
had been all folly, and once more she had made herself unhappy about
nothing. How absurd it was! Percival was wicked, but still he had no
cause to fix any quarrel upon her, or poison the mind of her son. It was
on Winnie's account he came, and on Winnie's account, no doubt, he was
staying; and in all likelihood Mrs. Ochterlony and her boys were as
utterly unimportant to him, as in ordinary circumstances he was to them.
Mary made thus the mistake by which a tolerant and open mind, not too
much occupied about itself, sometimes goes astray. People go wrong much
more frequently from thinking too much of themselves, and seeing their
own shadow across everybody's way; but yet there may be danger even in
the lack of egotism: and thus it was that Mary's face cleared up, and
her doubts dispersed, just at the moment when she had most to dread.
Then there was a pause, and the homicidal impulse, so to speak, took
possession of Will. He was playing with the things he had bought,
putting them into symmetrical and unsymmetrical shapes on the table, and
when he suddenly said "Mother," Mrs. Ochterlony turned to him with a
smile. He said "Mother," and then he stopped short, and picked to pieces
the construction he was making, but at the same time he never raised his
eyes.
"Well, Will?" said Mary.
And then there was a brief, but sharp, momentary struggle in his mind.
He meant to speak, and wanted to speak, but could not. His throat seemed
to close with a jerk when he tried; the words would not come from his
lips. It was not that he was ashamed of what he was going to do, or that
any sudden compunction for his mother seized him. It was a kind of spasm
of impossibility, as much physical as mental. He could no more do it,
then he could lift the Cottage from its solid foundations. He went on
arranging the little parcels on the table into shapes, square, oblong,
and triangular, his fingers busy, but his mind much more busy, his eyes
looking at nothing, and his lips unable to articulate a single word.
"Well, Will, what were you going to say?" said Mary, again.
"Nothing," said Will; and he got up and went away with an abruptness
which made his mother wonder and smile. It was only Willy's way; but it
was an exaggerated specimen of Will's way. She thought to herself when
he was gone, with regret, that it was a great pity he was so abrupt. It
did not matter at home, where everybody knew him; but among strangers,
where people did not know him, it might do him so much injury. Poor
Will! but he knew nothing about Percival, and cared nothing, and Mary
was ashamed of her momentary fear.
As for the boy himself, he went out, and took himself to task, and felt
all over him a novel kind of tremor, a sense of strange excitement, the
feeling of one who had escaped a great danger. But that was not all the
feeling which ought to have been in his mind. He had neglected and lost
a great opportunity, and though it was not difficult to make
opportunities, Will felt by instinct that his mother's mere presence had
defeated him. He could not tell her of the discovery he had made. He
might write her a letter about it, or send the news to her at
secondhand; but to look in her face and tell her, was impossible. To sit
down there by her side, and meet her eyes, and tell her that he had been
making inquiries into her character, and that she was not the woman she
was supposed to be, nor was the position of her children such as the
world imagined, was an enterprise which Wilfrid had once and for ever
proved impossible. He stood blank before this difficulty which lay at
the very beginning of his undertaking; he had not only failed, but he
saw that he must for ever fail. It amazed him, but he felt it was final.
His mouth was closed, and he could not speak.
And then he thought he would wait until Hugh came home. Hugh was not his
mother, nor a woman. He was no more than Will's equal at the best, and
perhaps even his inferior; and to him, surely, it could be said. He
waited for a long time, and kept lingering about the roads, wondering
what train his brother would come by, and feeling somehow reluctant to
go in again, so long as his mother was alone. For in Mrs. Ochterlony's
presence Will could not forget that he had a secret--that he had done
something out of her knowledge, and had something of the most momentous
character to tell her, and yet could not tell it to her. It would be
different with Hugh. He waited loitering about upon the dusty summer
roads, biting his nails to the quick, and labouring hard through a sea
of thought. This telling was disagreeable, even it was only Hugh that
had to be told--more disagreeable than anything else about the business,
far more disagreeable, certainly, than he had anticipated it would be;
and Wilfrid did not quite make out how it was that a simple fact should
be so difficult to communicate. It enlarged his views so far, and gave
him a glimpse into the complications of maturer life, but it did not in
any way divert him from his purpose, or change his ideas about his
rights. At length the train appeared by which it was certain Hugh must
come home. Wilfrid sauntered along the road within sight of the little
station to meet his brother, and yet when he saw Hugh actually
approaching, his heart gave a jump in his breast. The moment had come,
and he must do it, which was a very different thing from thinking it
over, and planning what he was to say.
"You here, Will!" said Hugh. "I looked for you in Carlisle. Why didn't
you go to Mrs. Askell's and wait for me?"
"I had other things to do," said Will, briefly.
Hugh laughed. "Very important things, I have no doubt," he said; "but
still you might have waited for me, all the same. How is Aunt Winnie? I
saw that fellow,--that husband of hers,--at the station. I should like
to know what he wants hanging about here."
"He wants _her_, perhaps," said Will, though with another jump of his
heart.
"He had better not come and bother her," said Hugh. "She may not be
perfect herself, but I won't stand it. She is my mother's sister, after
all, and she is a woman. I hope you won't encourage him to hang about
here."
"_I!_" cried Will, with amazement and indignation.
"Yes," said Hugh, with elder-brotherly severity. "Not that I think you
would mean any harm by it, Will; it is not a sort of thing you can be
expected to understand. A fellow like that should be kept at a distance.
When a man behaves badly to a woman--to his wife--to such a beautiful
creature as she has been----"
"I don't see anything very beautiful about her," said Will.
"That doesn't matter," said Hugh, who was hot and excited, having been
taken into Winnie's confidence. "She has been beautiful, and that's
enough. Indeed, she ought to be beautiful now, if that fellow hadn't
been a brute. And if he means to come back here----"
"Perhaps it is not her he wants," said Will, whose profound
self-consciousness made him play quite a new part in the dialogue.
"What could he want else?" said Hugh, with scorn. "You may be sure it is
no affection for any of _us_ that brings him here."
Here was the opportunity, if Will could but have taken it. Now was the
moment to tell him that something other than Winnie might be in
Percival's mind--that it was his own fortune, and not hers, that hung in
the balance. But Will was dumb; his lips were sealed; his tongue clove
to the roof of his mouth. It was not his will that was in fault. It was
a rebellion of all his physical powers, a rising up of nature against
his purpose. He was silent in spite of himself; he said not another word
as they walked on together. He suffered Hugh to stray into talk about
the Askells, about the Museum, about anything or nothing. Once or twice
he interrupted the conversation abruptly with some half-dozen words,
which brought it to a sudden stop, and gave him the opportunity of
broaching his own subject. But when he came to that point he was struck
dumb. Hugh, all innocent and unconscious, in serene elderly-brotherly
superiority, good humoured and condescending, and carelessly
affectionate, was as difficult to deal with as Mary herself. Without
withdrawing from his undertaking, or giving up his "rights," Wilfrid
felt himself helpless; he could not say it out. It seemed to him now
that so far from giving in to it, as he once imagined, without
controversy, Hugh equally without controversy would set it aside as
something monstrous, and that his new hope would be extinguished and
come to an end if his elder brother had the opportunity of thus putting
it down at once. When they reached home, Will withdrew to his own room,
with a sense of being baffled and defeated--defeated before he had
struck a blow. He did not come downstairs again, as they remembered
afterwards--he did not want any tea. He had not a headache, as Aunt
Agatha, now relieved from attendance upon Winnie, immediately suggested.
All he wanted was to be left alone, for he had something to do. This was
the message that came downstairs. "He is working a great deal too much,"
said Aunt Agatha, "you will see he will hurt his brain or something;"
while Hugh, too, whispered to his mother, "You shall see; _I_ never did
much, but Will will go in for all sorts of honours," the generous fellow
whispered in his mother's ear; and Mary smiled, in her heart thinking so
too. If they had seen Will at the moment sitting with his face supported
by both his hands, biting his nails and knitting his brows, and
pondering more intently than any man ever pondered over classic puzzle
or scientific problem, they might have been startled out of those
pleasant thoughts.
And yet the problem he was considering was one that racked his brain,
and made his head ache, had he been sufficiently at leisure to feel it.
The more impossible he felt it to explain himself and make his claim,
the more obstinately determined was he to make it, and have what
belonged to him. His discouragement and sense of defeat did but
intensify his resolution. He had failed to speak, notwithstanding his
opportunities; but he could write, or he could employ another voice as
his interpreter. With all his egotism and determination, Wilfrid was
young, nothing but a boy, and inexperienced, and at a loss what to do.
Everything seemed easy to him until he tried to do it; and when he
tried, everything seemed impossible. He had thought it the most ordinary
affair in the world to tell his discovery to his mother and brother,
until the moment came which in both cases proved the communication to be
beyond his powers. And now he thought he could write. After long
pondering, he got up and opened the little desk upon which he had for
years written his verses and exercises, troubled by nothing worse than a
doubtful quantity, and made an endeavour to carry out his last idea.
Will's style was not a bad style. It was brief and terse, and to the
point,--a remarkable kind of diction for a boy,--but he did not find
that it suited his present purpose. He put himself to torture over his
letters. He tried it first in one way, and then in another; but however
he put it, he felt within himself that it would not do. He had no sort
of harsh or unnatural meaning in his mind. They were still his mother
and brother to whom he wanted to write, and he had no inclination to
wound their feelings, or to be disrespectful or unkind. In short, it
only required this change, and his establishment in what he supposed his
just position, to make him the kindest and best of sons and brothers. He
toiled over his letters as he had never toiled over anything in his
life. He could not tell how to express himself, nor even what to say. He
addressed his mother first, and then Hugh, and then his mother again;
but the more he laboured the more impossible he found his task. When
Mrs. Ochterlony came upstairs and opened his door to see what her boy
was about, Wilfrid stumbled up from his seat red and heated, and shut up
his desk, and faced her with an air of confusion and trouble which she
could not understand. It was not too late even then to bring her in and
tell her all; and this possibility bewildered Will, and filled him with
agitation and excitement, to which naturally his mother had no clue.
"What is the matter?" she said, anxiously; "are you ill, Will? Have you
a headache? I thought you were in bed."
"No, I am all right," said Will, facing her with a look, which in its
confusion seemed sullen. "I am busy. It is too soon to go to bed."
"Tell me what is wrong," said Mary, coming a step further into the room.
"Will, my dear boy, I am sure you are not well. You have not been
quarrelling with any one--with Hugh----?"
"With Hugh!" said Will, with a little scorn; "why should I quarrel with
Hugh?"
"Why, indeed!" said Mrs. Ochterlony, smiling faintly; "but you do not
look like yourself. Tell me what you have been doing, at least."
Will's heart thumped against his breast. He might put her into the chair
by which she was standing, and tell her everything and have it over.
This possibility still remained to him. He stood for a second and looked
at her, and grew breathless with excitement, but then somehow his voice
seemed to die away in his throat.
"If I were to tell you what I was doing, you would not understand it,"
he said, repeating mechanically words which he had used in good faith,
with innocent schoolboy arrogance, many a time before. As for Mary, she
looked at him wistfully, seeing something in his eyes which she could
not interpret. They had never been candid, frank eyes like Hugh's. Often
enough before, they had been impatient of her scrutiny, and had veiled
their meaning with an apparent blank; but yet there had never been any
actual harm hid by the artifice. Mary sighed; but she did not insist,
knowing how useless it was. If it was anything, perhaps it was some
boyish jealousy about Nelly,--an imaginary feeling which would pass
away, and leave no trace behind. But, whatever it was, it was vain to
think of finding it out by questions; and she gave him her good-night
kiss and left him, comforting herself with the thought that most likely
it was only one of Will's uncomfortable moments, and would be over by
to-morrow. But when his mother went away, Will for his part sank down,
with the strangest tremor, in his chair. Never before in his life had
this sick and breathless excitement, this impulse of the mind and
resistance of the flesh, been known to him, and he could not bear it. It
seemed to him he never could stand in her presence, never feel his
mother's eyes upon him, without feeling that now was the moment that he
must and ought to tell her, and yet could not tell her, no more than if
he were speechless. He had never felt very deeply all his life before,
and the sense of this struggle took all his strength from him. It made
his heart beat, so that the room and the house and the very solid earth
on which he stood seemed to throb and tingle round him; it was like
standing for ever on the edge of a precipice over which the slightest
movement would throw him, and the very air seemed to rush against his
ears as it would do if he were falling. He sank down into his chair, and
his heart beat, and the pulses throbbed in his temples. What was he to
do?--he could not speak, he could not write, and yet it must be told,
and his rights gained, and the one change made that should convert him
into the tenderest son, the most helpful brother, that ever man or woman
had. At last in his despair and pertinacity, there came into his mind
that grand expedient which occurs naturally to everything that is young
and unreasonable under the pressure of unusual trials. He would go away;
he could not go on seeing them continually, with this communication
always ready to break from the lips which would not utter it,--nor could
he write to them while he was still with them, and when any letter must
be followed by an immediate explanation. But he could fly; and when he
was at a safe distance, then he could tell them. No doubt it was
cowardice to a certain extent; but there were other things as well.
Partly it was impatience, and partly the absoluteness and imperious
temper of youth, and that intolerance of everything painful that comes
natural to it. He sat in his chair, noiseless and thinking, in the
stillness of night, a poor young soul, tempted and yielding to
temptation, sinful, yet scarcely conscious how sinful he was, and yet at
the same time forlorn with that profound forlornness of egotism and
ill-doing which is almost pathetic in the young. He could consult
nobody, take no one into his confidence. The only counsellors he had
known in all his small experience were precisely those upon whom he was
about to turn. He was alone, and had everything to plan, everything to
do for himself.
And yet was there nobody whom he could take into his confidence?
Suddenly, in the stillness of the night a certain prosperous,
comfortable figure came into the boy's mind--one who thought it was well
to get money and wealth and power, anyhow except dishonestly, which of
course was an impracticable and impolitic way. When that idea came to
him like an inspiration, Will gave a little start, and looked up, and
saw the blue dawn making all the bars of his window visible against the
white blind that covered it. Night was gone with its dark counsels, and
the day had come. What he did after that was to take out his boy's
purse, and count over carefully all the money it contained. It was not
much, but yet it was enough. Then he took his first great final step in
life, with a heart that beat in his ears, but not loud enough to betray
him. He went downstairs softly as the dawn brightened, and all the dim
staircase and closed doors grew visible, revealed by the silent growth
of the early light. Nobody heard him, nobody dreamed that any secret
step could ever glide down those stairs or out of the innocent honest
house. He was the youngest in it, and should have been the most
innocent; and he thought he meant no evil. Was it not his right he was
going to claim? He went softly out, going through the drawing-room
window, which it was safer to leave open than the door, and across the
lawn, which made no sound beneath his foot. The air of the summer
morning was like balm, and soothed him, and the blueness brightened and
grew rosy as he went his way among the early dews. The only spot on
which, like Gideon's fleece, no dew had fallen, was poor Will's beating
heart, as he went away in silence and secrecy from his mother's door.