HAS A TOUR OF DUTY AT THE GENERAL'S HEADQUARTERS.
"WELL," said the General, after he had listened to Shorty's story, and
questioned him a little, "you are all right now. I'll take care of you.
The Surgeon says that you are not fit to go back to the front, and will
not be for some time. They have got more sick and convalescents down
there now than they can take good care of. The army's gone into Winter
quarters, and will probably stay there until Spring opens, so that
they don't need either of us. I'll detail you as Orderly at these
Headquarters, and you can go back with me when I do."
"I s'pose that's all right and satisfactory," said Shorty, saluting.
"It's got to be, anyway. In the army a man with a star on his shoulder's
got the last say, and kin move the previous question whenever he wants
to. I never had no hankerin' for a job around Headquarters, and now that
I'm a Korpril I ought to be with my company. But they need you worse'n
they do me, and I've noticed that you was always as near the front as
anybody, so I don't think I'll lose no chances by stayin' with you."
"I promise you that we shall both go as soon as there's any prospect of
something worth going for," said the General, smiling. "Report there to
Wilson. He will instruct you as to your duties."
Wilson's first instructions were as to Shorty's personal appearance. He
must get a clean shave and a hair-cut, a necktie, box of paper collars,
a pair of white gloves, have blouse neatly brushed and buttoned to his
throat and his shoes polished.
"Dress parade every day?" asked Shorty, despairingly.
"Just the same as dress parade every day," answered the Chief Clerk.
"Don't want any scarecrows around these Headquarters. We're on dress
parade all the time before the people and other soldiers, and must
show them how soldiers ought to appear. You'll find a barber-shop and a
bootblack around the corner. Make for them at once, and get yourself in
shape to represent Headquarters properly."
"Don't know but I'd ruther go to the front and dig rifle-pits than to
wear paper collars and white gloves every day in the week," soliloquized
Shorty, as he walked out on the street. "Don't mind 'em on Sunday, when
you kin take 'em off agin when the company's dismissed from parade; but
to put 'em on in the mornin' when you git up, and wear 'em till you go
to bed at night--O, Jehosephat! Don't think I've got the constitution
to stand that sort o' thing. But it's orders, and I'll do it, even if it
gives me softenin' o' the brain. Here, you--(beckoning to a bootblack),
put a 250-pounder Monitor coat o' polish on them Tennessee River
gunboats. Fall in promptly, now."
The little darky gave an estimating glance at the capacious cowhides,
which had not had a touch of the brush since being drawn from the
Quarter master, and then yelled to a companion on the other side of the
street:
"Hey, Taters, come lend me a spit. I'se got a' army contrack."
"Vhat golor off a gravat do you vant?" asked the Jewish vender of
haberdashery, who was rapidly amassing a fortune from the soldiers.
"Dere's plack, red, kreen, plue--all lofely golors, unt de vinest kint
off silk. Yoost de same as Cheneral Krant vears. He puys lods off me.
Von't puy off nopody else vhen he gan ket to me. Now, dere's vun dat'll
yoost suit your light gomplexion. You gan vear dat on St. Batrick's
day."
And he picked out one of bright green that would have made Shorty's
throat seem in wild revolt against his hair.
"Well, I don't know," said Shorty meditatively, pulling over the lot.
Then a thought struck him. Taking out the bit of Maria's dress, he said:
"Give me something as near as possible the color of that."
"Veil, I've kot rid off datt off-golored negdie, dat I fought I nefer
vould sell," meditated the Jew, as Shorty left. "I'm ahet yoost a
tollar-unt-a-haluf on aggount off dat vild Irishman's kirl. Veil, de
kirls ket some fellers into sgrapes, unt helps udders oud."
With this philosophical observation the Jew resumed his pleasant work of
marking up his prices to better accord with his enlarged views as to the
profits he could get off the soldiers.
When Shorty returned to Headquarters, neatly shaven and brushed, and
took the position of a soldier before the Chief Clerk, that functionary
remarked approvingly:
"Very good, very good, indeed. You'll be an ornament to Headquarters."
And the General, entering the room at that time, added:
"Yes, you are as fine a looking soldier as one would wish to see, and an
examaple to others. But you have not your Corporal's chevrons on. Allow
me to present you with a pair. It gives me pleasure, for you have well
earned them."
Stepping back into his office he returned with the chevrons in his hand.
"There, find a tailor outside somewhere to sew them on. You are now a
non-commissioned officer on my staff, and I expect you to do all you can
to maintain its character and dignity."
Shorty's face flushed with pride as he saluted, and thought, without
saying:
"You jest bet I will. Any loafer that don't pay proper respect to this
here staff'll git his blamed neck broke."
"Here," said the Chief Clerk, handing Shorty an official envelope, when
the latter returned from having his chevrons sewed on. "Take this down
to Col. Billings. Mind you do it in proper style. Don't get to sassing
old Billings. Stick the envelope in your belt, walk into the office,
take the position of a soldier, salute, and hand him the envelope,
saying, 'With the compliments of the General,' salute again, about-face,
and walk out."
"I'll want to punch his rotten old head off the minute I set eyes on
him," remarked Shorty, sotto voce; "but the character and dignity of the
staff must be maintained."
Lieut.-Col. Billings started, and his face flushed, when he saw Shorty
stalk in, severely erect and soldierly. Billings was too little of a
soldier to comprehend the situation. His first thought was that Shorty,
having been taken under the General's wing, had come back to triumph
over him, and he prepared himself with a volley of abuse to meet that of
his visitor. But Shorty, with stern eyes straight to the front, marched
up to him, saluted in one-two-three time, drew the envelope from his
belt, and thrusting it at him as he would his gun to the inspecting
officer on parade, announced in curtly official tones, "With General's
compliments, sir," saluted again, about-faced as if touched with a
spring, and marched stiffly toward the door.
Billings hurriedly glanced at the papers, and saw that instead of some
unpleasant order from the General, which he had feared, they were merely
some routine matters. His bullying instinct at once reasserted itself:
"Puttin' on a lot o' scollops, since, just because you're detailed
at Headquarters," he called out after Shorty. "More style than a
blue-ribbon horse at a county fair, just because the General took a
little notice of you. But you'll not last long. I know you."
"Sir," said Shorty, facing about and stiffly saluting, "if you've got
any message for the General, I'll deliver it. If you hain't, keep your
head shet."
"O, go on; go on, now, you two-for-a-cent Corporal. Don't you give me
any more o' your slack, or I'll report you for your impudence, and have
them stripes jerked offen you."
[Illustration: "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?" SAID THE GAMBLER. 141]
Hot words sprang to Shorty's lips, but he remembered the General's
injunction about the character and dignity of the staff, and restrained
himself to merely saying:
"Col. Billings, some day I won't belong to the staff, and you won't have
no shoulder-straps. Then I'll invite you to a little discussion, without
no moderator in the chair."
"Go on, now. Don't you dare threaten me," shouted Billings.
"How'd you get along with Billings?" inquired the Chief Clerk, when
Shorty returned.
"About as well as the monkey and the parrot did," answered Shorty, and
he described the interview, ending with:
"I never saw a man who was achin' for a good lickin' like that old
bluffer. And he'll git it jest as soon as he's out o' the service, if I
have to walk a hundred miles to give it to him."
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait a good while," answered Wilson. "He'll
stay in the service as long as he can keep a good soft berth like this.
He's now bombarding everybody that's got any influence with telegrams
to use it to keep him here in the public interest. He claims that on
account of his familiarity with things here he is much more valuable to
the Government here than he would be in the field."
"No doubt o' that," said Shorty. "He ain't worth a groan in the infernal
regions at the front. He only takes the place and eats the rations of
some man that might be of value."
"See here," said Wilson, pointing to a pile of letters and telegrams on
his desk. "These are protests against Billings being superseded and sent
away. More are coming in all the time. They are worrying the General
like everything, for he wants to do the right thing. But I know that
they all come from a ring of fellows around here who sell whisky and
slop-shop goods to the soldiers, and skin them alive, and are protected
by Billings. They're whacking up with him, and they want him to stay.
I'm sure of it, but I haven't any proof, and there's no use saying
anything to the General unless I've got the proof to back it."
"Wonder if I couldn't help git the proof," suggested Shorty, with his
sleuth instincts reviving.
"Just the man," said the Chief Clerk eagerly, "if you go about it right.
You're a stranger here, and scarcely anybody knows that you belong to
Headquarters. Get yourself back in the shape you were this morning, and
go out and try your luck. It'll just be bully if we can down this old
blowhard."
Shorty took off his belt and white gloves, unbuttoned his blouse,
and lounged down the street to the quarter where the soldiers most
congregated to be fleeced by the harpies gathered there as the best
place to catch men going to or returning from the front. Shorty soon
recognized running evil-looking shops, various kinds of games and
drinking dens several men who had infested the camps about Nashville and
Murfreesboro until the Provost-Marshal had driven them away.
"Billings has gathered all his old friends about him," said he to
himself. "I guess I'll find somebody here that I kin use."
"Hello, Injianny; what are you doin' here?" inquired a man in civilian
clothes, but unmistakably a gambler.
Shorty remembered him at once as the man with whom he had had the
adventure with the loaded dice at Murfreesboro. With the fraternity
of the class, neither remembered that little misadventure against the
other. They had matched their wits for a wrestle, and when the grapple
was over it was over.
Shorty therefore replied pleasantly:
"O, jest loafin' back here, gittin' well o' a crack on the head and the
camp fever."
"Into anything to put in the time?"
"Naah," said Shorty weariedly. "Nearly dead for something. Awful stoopid
layin' around up there among them hayseeds, doin' nothin'. Jest run down
to Jeffersonville to see if I couldn't strike something that'd some life
in it."
"Well, I kin let you into a good thing. I've bin runnin' that shebang
over there, with another man, and doin' well, but he let his temper git
away with him, and shpped a knife into a sucker, and they've got him
in jail, where he'll stay awhile. I must have another partner. Got any
money?"
"A hundred or so," answered Shorty.
"Well, that's enough. I don't want money so much as the right kind of a
man. Put up your stuff, and I'll let you in cahoots with me, and we'll
make a bar'l o' money out o' these new troops that'll begin coming down
this week."
"I like the idee. But how do you know you kin run your game. This
Provost-Marshall--"
"O, the Provost's all right. He's an old friend o' mine. I have him
dead to rights. Only whack up fair with him, and you're all right. Only
pinches them that want to hog on him and won't share. I've bin runnin'
right along here for weeks, and 've had no trouble. I give up my little
divvy whenever he asks for it."
"If I was only certain o' that," said Shorty meditatively, "I'd--"
"Certain? Come right over here to that ranch, and have a drink, and I'll
show you, so's you can't be mistaken. I tell you, I'm solid as a rock
with him."
When seated at a quiet table, with their glasses in front of them, the
gambler pulled some papers from his breast pocket, and selecting one
shoved it at Shorty with the inquiry: "There, what do you think o'
that?"
Shorty read over laboriously:
"Deer Bat: Send me 50 please. I set behind two small pair
last night, while the other feller had a full, & Ime strapt
this morning. Yores,
"Billings."
"That seems convincing," said Shorty.
"Then look at this," said the gambler, producing another paper. It read:
"Deer Bat: Got yore $100 all right, but doant send by that
man again. He's shaky, and talks too much. Bring it
yourself, or put it in an envelope directed to me, & drop it
in my box. Yores,
"Billings."
"That's enough," said Shorty, with his mind in a tumult, as to how he
was to get these papers into his possession. "I'll go in with you, if
you'll take me. Here's my fist."
He reached out and shook hands with Bat Meacham over the bargain, and
called to the waiter, "Here, fill 'em up agin."
Shorty pulled some papers out of his pocket to search for his money,
and fumbled them over. There were two pieces among them resembling the
scraps on which Billings had written his notes. They contained some army
doggerel which the poet of Co. Q had written and Shorty was carrying
about as literary treasures.
The waiter wiped off the table as he replaced the glasses, and Shorty
lifted up the gambler's papers to permit him to do so. He laid down his
own papers instead, and with them a $10 bill.
"There," he said; "I find that's all the money I have with me, but it's
enough to bind the bargain. I left a couple hundred with the clerk at
the tavern. I'll go right up and git it, and we'll settle the thing
right here."
"Very good," replied Bat Meacham; "git back as quick as you kin. You'll
find me either here or hangin' around near. Let's fix the thing up and
git ready. I think a new regiment'll be down here tomorrow, and all the
men'll have their first installment o' bounty and a month's pay."
Shorty hurried back to Headquarters and laid his precious papers before
the Chief Clerk, who could not contain his exultation.
"Won't there be a tornado when the General sees these in the morning,"
he exclaimed. "He's gone out to camp, now, or I'd take them right to
him. But he shall have them first thing in the morning."
The next morning Shorty waited with eager impatience while the General
was closeted with his Chief Clerk. Presently the General stepped to the
door and said sternly:
"Corporal."
"Yes, sir," said Shorty, springing to his feet and saluting.
"Go down at once to the Provost-Marshal's office and tell Col. Billings
to come to Headquarters at once. To come at once, without a moment's
delay."
"Yes, sir," said Shorty saluting, with a furtive wink at the Chief
Clerk, which said as plainly as words, "No presenting compliments this
time."
He found Billings, all unconscious of the impending storm, dealing out
wrath on those who were hauled before him.
"Col. Billings," said Shorty, standing stiff as a ramrod and curtly
saluting, "the General wants you to come to Headquarters at once."
"Very well," replied Billings; "report to the General that I'll come as
soon as I dispose of this business."
"That'll not do," said Shorty with stern imperiousness. "The General
orders (with a gloating emphasis on 'orders') you to drop everything
else, and come instantly. You're to go right back with me."
Shorty enjoyed the manifest consternation in Billings's face as he heard
this summons. The men of the office pricked up their ears, and looked
meaningly at one another. Shorty saw it all, and stood as straight and
stern as if about to lead Billings to execution.
Billings, with scowling face, picked up his hat, buttoned his coat, and
walked out.
"Do you know what the General wants with me. Shorty?" he asked in a
conciliatory way, when they were alone together on the sidewalk.
"My name's Corporal Elliott. You will address me as such," answered
Shorty.
"Go to the devil," said Billings.
Billings tried to assume a cheerfully-genial air as he entered the
General's office, but the grin faded at the sight of the General's stern
countenance.
"Col. Billings," said the General, handing him the two pieces of paper,
"do you recognize these?"
"Can't say that I do," answered Billings, pretending to examine them
while he could recover his wits sufficiently for a fine of defense.
"Don't attempt to lie to me," said the General wrathfully, "or I'll
forget myself sufficiently to tear the straps from your disgraced
shoulders. I have compared these with other specimens of your
handwriting, until I have no doubt. I have sent for you not to hear your
defense, or to listen to any words from you. I want you to merely sit
down there and sign this resignation, and then get out of my office as
quickly as you can. I don't want to breathe the same air with you.
I ought to courtmartial you, and set you to hard work on the
fortifications, but I hate the scandal. I have already telegraphed to
Army Headquarters to accept your resignation by wire, and I shall send
it by telegraph.
"I cannot get you out of the army too quickly. Sign this, and leave my
office, and take off your person every sign of your connection with the
army. I shall give orders that if you appear on the street with so much
as a military button on, it shall be torn off you."
As the crushed Lieutenant-Colonel was leaving the office, Shorty lounged
up, and said:
"See here. Mister Billings--you're Mister Billings now, and a mighty
ornery Mister, too, I'm going to lay for you, and settle several little
p'ints with you. You've bin breedin' a busted head, and I'm detailed to
give it to you. Git out, you hound."