HOW CHALLIS HAD A NEW NEIGHBOUR AT DINNER AND METAPHYSICS AFTER.
HOW HE WAS GUILTY OF EAVESDROPPING, AND MET MISS ARKROYD AFTER IN A
LITTLE GARDEN CALLED TOPHET. A FOOL'S PASSION. WHAT ABOUT BOB?
That was a very fortunate interview in the park-avenue between Challis
and Miss Arkroyd. If their sequel to that half-hour before they joined
the tea-party, when they stood hand-in-hand on the edge of a volcano,
had been a stiff meeting in society, the position would have become a
rigid one; its joints would have ossified. Some may hold that it would
have been best that they should do so, and that the lubrication of this
interview was really unfortunate. It depends on how one looks at it.
Efficacious it certainly was.
So efficacious that Challis almost felt at liberty to be sorry that
Judith was moved to the far end of the long table at dinner, beyond his
range of communication. He grudged the geometrical distance between
them, while he acknowledged their moral or spiritual _éloignement_. He
had to confess to his regret when a fresh dress she had on that evening
rustled and glittered--it was all sparks and flashes--past the place
she occupied the evening before. "We move up, like the Hatter and the
Dormouse," said she to her partner.
The house-party had become enormous; indeed, some of it had oozed
out into an adjoining apartment, and had a little round table all to
itself--which it may be said to have forgotten, for it made a great
noise.
Challis's own flank-destinies for this dinner were an elderly young
lady with a bridge to her nose--a county family in herself--whom he had
protected through the dangerous passage from the drawing-room; and the
extraneous chit, Lady Henrietta Mounttullibardine. The latter had been
provided with a counter-chit, who was always spoken of as Arthur, and
seemed to be many people's cousin. The former had a powerful pair of
eyeglasses on a yard-arm, or sprit, workable from below; these, Challis
noticed, were manoeuvred so as to leave the bridge free. He imputed
powder, or something that might come off, to its owner. She seemed to
have been very carefully prepared to go into Society, and to look
down on it now that she had arrived. But she had to be talked to about
something within its confines, and Challis had to find out what.
"I wonder what the brilliant stuff is called," said he, therefore.
Judith's dress was the stuff.
"Sequin net is the name, I believe." This suggested somehow that the
stuff's sphere was one grade below the speaker's.
"How much is a sequin?" asked Challis.
"It is not an expensive material," said the lady.
"I don't want a dress for myself," said Challis.
"Oh, indeed!" said the lady. Settlements ensued. And then Challis's
other neighbour addressed him.
"They are in the other room this evening," said the chit. Her remark
related to a mutual confidence between herself and Challis, begun on
the lawn on the day of his arrival. They never spoke of anything else.
"I can hear them," said he. "They're making noise enough. But I thought
they had quarrelled this morning?"
"This _morning_--oh _yes_!" This was very _empressé_. "But they made
that up _long ago_!"
"When do they?... when are they?... when will it?... Clear, please! Oh
no!--that'll do beautifully. I meant thick." This was to the servant,
respecting soup.
"I'm so afraid it never _will_! Do you know, I really _am_!"
"Instances are not wanting of young ladies and gentlemen who haven't
got married.... Hock, thank you!"
"Of _course_! But they _always_ do, if they _can_. Don't they now, Mr.
Challis?"
"I admit it. Unless they meet with someone they like better. Of course,
that does happen."
"Oh yes--of _course_! But then it only matters when it isn't _both_."
Challis, on the watch for copy, noticed that whenever this chit
italicized a word--which was frequently--she opened her large blue eyes
as far as possible.
"You express it to perfection. When it's both, it doesn't matter the
least. But this time it's neither, so far!"
"Oh no!--they can't _look_ at anyone else."
"Nothing can be more satisfactory. But why shouldn't it?... why
shouldn't they?..."
"Oh dear! I'm so afraid they never _will_. Because he has only his
pay, and she has--_nothing_!" Human eyes have only limited powers of
opening, and the speaker's had done all they could.
"Couldn't a rich aunt settle something on them, or someone place a
fund at their disposal? Or something of that sort?... What a shindy
they _are_ making!... Not before Christmas." This was because his
left-hand neighbour had said sternly: "When is your next book coming
out, Mr. Challis?"
But the chit had a secret knowledge of the _vera causa_ of the
riot in the next room, when three chits and as many counter-chits,
uncontrolled, had the small round table to themselves. She knew exactly
what they were doing--trying to pick up tumblers upside down, like
this!--"this" being the thumb on one side, and one finger only on the
top.
"I have forgotten when your last book came out, Mr. Challis." This
left-hand neighbour seemed reproachful. But Challis couldn't help it.
"Just eight weeks ago," said he.
A lull came in the next room, with the young soldier's voice audible
in it, "Now all together, or it doesn't count!" Some sort of wager
was being put to the test. Challis's chit murmured in the moments
of suspense that followed, "They broke several yesterday in the
billiard-room." Challis, amused, waited for the inevitable smash.
It came, and was a grand one. And the chorus of contrition and apology
from the culprits was only equalled by their indignation at the way the
Laws of Nature had proved broken reeds. If there was one thing more
than another that the student of dynamics could not have credited, it
was that under the circumstances a single tumbler should have been
broken. Challis perceived that Lady Arkroyd spoke _sotto voce_ to Mr.
Elphinstone, who, he thought, replied, "Plenty, your ladyship. They
came this morning." Then followed a fine exhibition of dexterity in
the rapid collection and removal of broken glass. Challis thought to
himself, but did not say so, that it reminded one of being on board
ship.
The chit had done her duty by Mr. Challis, and now deserted him. Arthur
had done his by Mrs. Ramsey Tomes, on his other flank, who had told
him she wasn't quite sure if Mr. Tomes approved of football. She was
almost certain he thought young men gave up too much time to rowing,
and cricket, and lawn-tennis, and cycling, and everything else,
and perfectly certain he didn't disapprove of anti-vivisection or
anti-vaccination, but she wasn't quite sure which. She was not a gifted
person, and was quite unable to keep pace with her husband's powerful
mind. She had been freely spoken of before now, by heedless linguists,
as a Juggins. Arthur deserted her with a sense of duty done, and passed
the remainder of the banquet in exchanging wireless undertones with
his other neighbour. It was wonderful how much communication they
seemed to get through, considering how little noise they made. It
seemed to be done with eyebrows, slight facial adaptations, new ways of
keeping lips closed, but rarely completed speech.
Challis was conscious that each of these young people would be the
other's _menu_ for the rest of the banquet, so he surrendered himself
to a portentous catechism from the lady with the eyeglass touching his
habits.
"Where do you write, Mr. Challis?"
"At home--when I'm at home. Or wherever I happen to be at the time."
When he had said this, he wondered whether he was going idiotic. It was
like saying a mother was always present at the birth of her child.
"But upstairs or down? And is the room at the back of the house?" He
gave close particulars of all the rooms at the Hermitage. A capital way
of making conversation! But in the end it ran dry.
"I like writing in bed," said he, for variety. "Rabelais wrote in bed."
He wasn't sure of this at all. But it didn't matter.
"Oh, indeed!" said the lady. She was an Honourable Miss Something, and
not nearly dissolute enough to know anything about authors who write
in bed; and, besides, she had her doubts about Rabelais. She changed
the conversation delicately. Did Mr. Challis use a Fountain Pen? No,
he didn't. Because he thought for a quarter of an hour at every third
word, and that was time enough for an active person under fifty to dip
his pen in the ink. Pressmen had to write straight on without stopping.
The lady took this seriously, and said, "Dear me!"
What followed was very like the sample. Challis could make talk and
think of something else quite well. So he thought how different his
right-hand neighbour was from Charlotte Eldridge. And that set him
a-thinking again about his wife. But there were unnavigable straits in
that sea. His thoughts got into shoal-water, and his neighbour pursued
a topic unaccompanied until she found she had left him behind. Then
indignation kindled, but subject to good-breeding. She would put a test
question, though, to see how much attention this gentleman had been
paying.
"How many words are there in a book?" The question came with sudden
severity, and Challis had to pull himself together to reply.
"Of course," he said, "there's not always exactly the same number. But
a hundred thousand, more or less." It was a good answer, and embodied
a feeling current in the book-trade. And the conversation, thus
re-established, developed on the same lines until the vanishing-point
of the army of womankind. Challis fancied he saw commiseration on
Judith's face as she brought up the rear. He certainly had seldom in
his life passed a duller hour.
He knew what it was going to be next. Dreary politics, wearisome
ethics, maudlin philosophy, execrable--thrice execrable!--Social
Problems which it was every man's duty to confront, and every other
man's duty to hear him elucidate. Yes!--there was Mr. Ramsey Tomes at
it already! He had got a good new word to talk with--"noumenal"--and
was brandishing it over his hearers' heads....
Oh dear!--metaphysics! Not even free treatment of what Challis's mind
classed as Charlottology! That always appealed to our common something
or other. Now what he could catch at first hearing seemed bare, cold,
cruel Metaphysics. Never an indiscreet lady nor an unprincipled
gentleman, nor even a New Morality, of any sort! No fun at all!
But stop a bit! Was there none? Challis listened, and perceived, before
coffee-time, that the changed guest of last September, who had become
a Complete Christian Scientist, had denied the existence of matter.
He took a chair nearer to the discussion, not to seem out of it, and
so attracted to himself the attention of Mr. Ramsey Tomes, whose
lung-power had taken possession of the rostrum.
"I appeal," said that gentleman, "to Mr. Challis." He went on with a
testimonial or appreciation beginning with "than whom I will venture to
say," and elucidating Challis's great accomplishments and intellectual
powers, Challis seized the opportunity of a coffee-deal to ask what
he was being appealed to about. A mixed response informed him on this
point. A definition of Matter had been called for, and the Confirmed
Christian Scientist had demurred to giving any such definition. "No
one," said he, "can be logically called on to define a thing he denies
the existence of. The burden of definition manifestly lies with those
who affirm it."
"Personally," said Challis, "I prefer--but I admit it may be only
idiosyncrasy on my part--to know, when I deny the existence of
anything, what the thing is that I am denying the existence of. Perhaps
I should say, rather, what it would be if it existed. If I knew, I
think I should always communicate my knowledge, both from civility and
as a politic act. For how the dickens anyone else would know what I
was denying the existence of if I didn't tell him, I'll be hanged if
_I_ know!"
An indignant murmur was perceptible round the table. It gathered force,
and became a protest against this treatment of the subject. Everybody,
it said, knew perfectly well what matter _was_. All that was wanted was
a Definition of it.
"What _is_ Matter?" said Challis. But he had some difficulty in hearing
all the answers to this question. However, he caught the following:
"Obviously, there is no such distinct thing as Matter. What we
call matter--stuff, substance, body, or what not--is really only a
manifestation of energy."
"Obviously, Matter is a phenomenon."
"Obviously, Matter is the negation of mind."
"Obviously, Matter is the antithesis of spirit."
"Obviously, Matter is the reciprocal interdependent externalization of
what used at one time to be called Forces, but which are now almost
universally recognized to be merely modes of motion."
"Something you can prod." This last piece of crudity came from the
young man Arthur, and attracted no attention.
Now, when several persons shout simultaneously a profound and intuitive
judgment apiece, each naturally pauses to hear what effect his own has
had upon the Universe. An opening for speech is then given to anyone
who has the presence of mind to abstain from wasting time over the
detection of a stray meaning anywhere. In this case, Mr. Ramsey Tomes
saw his opportunity, and seized it.
"Am I mistaken," said he, "in supposing that at least one suggestion
has been made that the Universe, as at present formulated, has but two
constituents--namely, the subject under discussion, Matter, on the one
hand; and on the other what has been variously called Mind or Spirit.
Shall I presume too far on the attention the Philosophical Mind is
prepared to vouchsafe to the voice of a mere sciolist in Metaphysical
profundity if I indicate the existence of yet a third constituent of
what has been not inaptly called the Universal Whole? I refer to what I
may term the Unknown."
The speaker felt that this was so admirably expressed that he rashly
paused to lick his lips over it. This gave Challis, who was in a
malicious or impish mood, time to interject a remark. Its effect
was that, for the purpose of discussing the Existence of Matter,
no definition of it would be of any use to us, unless we provided
ourselves also with an accurate definition of Existence. Agreement on
these two points would enable us to _approfondir_ the question of the
entity or nonentity of the appreciable Universe.
There seemed to be no serious difficulty, unless it were the selection
of the required definitions from an _embarras de richesses_. Among
those which survived the tumult of many confident voices, Challis
distinguished the following:
"The relation a thing has to itself."
"The condition precedent of the concept 'nothing,' which is itself a
fundamental condition of thought."
"A quality thought imputes to the external cause of every phenomenon."
"The recognition by the Ego of the reality of its environments."
"When you've nothing particular to do." This one was Arthur, who,
however, was heard a moment after to say, "All right; I'll come!"
in response to a summons, and thereafter went, carrying away his
unfinished cigar. Challis heard his voice afar very soon, probably
in the garden in the moonlight, where chits and counterchits were
in council on the lawn. He wanted to go out in that garden himself,
but--he supposed--he recognized the reality of his environments, like
the Ego, and felt that such conduct would be rude. Besides, he was
rather amused, too. What was that Mr. Brownrigg was saying?
He was pointing out, of course. Nay, more!--he was pointing out
that Graubosch had already pointed out, in his Appendix B, that we
had no direct evidence of any existence whatever independently of a
percipient. The Confirmed Christian Scientist applauded this audibly,
but remarked that that was merely Immanuel Kant, after all! On the
other hand, Mr. Brownrigg continued, we have not a particle of evidence
that any percipient could exist as such, independent of a percipiendum.
We could not collect his evidence, clearly, without exposing ourselves
to his untried observation, and thereby upsetting the conditions of the
problem.
The Confirmed Christian Scientist's face fell, and he asked
dejectedly, What conclusion did Graubosch draw? Mr. Brownrigg replied
that Graubosch considered the problem afforded a fine instance of
Metaphysical Equilibrium, which would under that name continue to
engage the attention of thinkers long after the Insolubility of
Problems had ceased to be admitted as a Scientific possibility. The
final solution of all questions could not be regarded with complacency
by a thoughtful world; and the recognition of Metaphysical Equilibrium,
in questions which the Primitives of Philosophy had condemned as
unanswerable, was a welcome addition to the resources of Modern
Thought, for which the world had to thank its originator and greatest
exponent, Graubosch, et cetera.
Challis began to think he must really make an effort, and go. He would
watch for an opportunity. It came.
The advocates of the Existence of Matter were disposed to make a stand
in favour of Human Reason; in fact, they were inclined to claim for
Man, before the dawn of sight, hearing, or feeling, the position of a
Unit charged with Syllogism, ready to make short work of any Phenomenon
that might present itself. But, then, how about anthropoid apes?
Didn't Sally count up to five? Well, then--Reason be blowed! Make it
perception, and include all forms of Life.
This brought up Mr. Ramsey Tomes in great force. We were now landed,
he said, in a crux on the axis of which this most interesting group of
problems might be said to rotate. Let the many-headed activities of
Ratiocinative Speculation agree on a Definition of Life, and he would
venture to say without fear of contradiction that a keynote would have
been struck that would resound through the proper quarters. Challis
missed their description, owing to Mr. Brownrigg's voice intercepting
it resolutely.
"Surely," said he, "we need go no further than the one supplied by
Herbert Spencer." Everyone listened with roused attention, and Mr.
Brownrigg continued. "You will all recall it at once! 'The definite
combination of heterogeneous changes, both simultaneous and successive,
in correspondence with external coexistences and sequences.' It is
among the few decisions of modern thought which Graubosch has been able
to accept intact; and the translation he himself made of it into German
surpasses, if anything, its English original in force and lucidity."
Challis thought he might go. No need to stay for the German
translation. On the way from the entrance-hall into the garden, he
nearly collided with the largest possible white shirt-front associated
with the smallest possible black waistcoat. The owner, Arthur, the
universal cousin, begged his pardon. He begged it awfully, it seemed;
but why? What he added, before going away up the broad staircase four
steps at a time, was enigmatical: "No gloves--only I can lend Jack a
pair." Challis left the meaning of this in a state of Metaphysical
Equilibrium, till the sound of music under moonlit cedars on the lawn
explained it. A chit-extemporized dance was afoot on the close-cropped
turf. Challis remembered this young subaltern's definition of
Existence, and felt he knew what sort of definition of Life his would
be.
He himself would not mix with it, under the cedars there, but would
finish his cigar with his arms crossed on this ledge of clean stone
balustrade, all silvery with lichens in the moonlight, where he would
see and not be seen. Perhaps he would remember the name of the little
creeping flowers that last September were climbing all over the shrub
that half hid him; that were only pledges as yet, but that he knew the
morning sun would soon make rubies of. Cockney that he was, he had
had to ask the little flower's name of Judith, as she stood on that
gravel path below, near ten months back. What a short time it seemed!
Petroleum?--No!--Protæolum, was it?--No!--that wasn't it exactly. But
near enough!...
Footsteps were coming along the pathway now. Was it honourable to
overhear what those two girls were discussing in the moonlight?
Pooh!--stuff and nonsense! These chits--the idea! What _could_ those
children have to say that they could mind his hearing? Besides, they
would never know; and he could cough at a moment's notice.
"You could have lawts of awfers, if you liked, Flawcey. I know a girl
that's had eleven awfers. I've had three awfers. I suppose now it is
Jack I shan't have any maw awfers." The sweet drawler, who is of course
the speaker, has rather a rueful sound over this.
"I could have been engaged twice," says the other; "only one was
forty-five, and the other was a Hungarian."
They do not interest the drawler. She ripples on musically: "Of
cawce, I shall have Cerberus, because he belawngs to Jack. Oh, he is
a dahling!" Then the two go out of hearing; but the drawl is there,
in the distance still. Challis notes afar, under the cedar-trees, how
Chinese lanterns are coming to birth in the twilight. There will only
be real darkness quite late to-night.
Two other voices are audible near for a few seconds, with a roused
interest for Challis, whose sense of eavesdropping increases. Before he
can decide on stopping his ears, he has heard Sibyl say: "I have eased
my conscience, and you can't blame _me_, whatever happens!" She is
speaking as one who has the Universe on her shoulders. Judith's answer
is lost, rather to his relief, all but the _timbre_ of its resentment.
Here come the chits back! _They_ don't matter. What's the story now?
"Oh, it was hawrible! If only it had been an awdinary eyeglass, with a
string!"
"But then it would have had to be fished up, you know!"
"Of cawce it would. I didn't think of that. Perhaps it's just as well
it wawse a lens.... No, it was quite easy how it happened, if you
think!"
"But whatever did you do?"
"Of course, d'ya, we both pretended it had rolled on the floor, and
kneeled down to look for it. But we both knew quite well where it was,
and I could feel it cold all down my back. Oh, it was hawrible!" The
speaker added thoughtfully after a pause: "I am so glad it's Jack now,
and not Sholto. He did look such a fool, and _such_ strong cigars!"
Challis was able, being a dramatist, to put an intelligible
construction on this little dramatic experience of the young lady and
her previous admirer. We need not probe into its obscurity, as its only
interest in this story is that it reminded him of an incident of his
own bygone youth--the disappearance of a pearl from a ring of his first
wife's, and its resurrection from the inside of his own stocking after
setting him limping, inexplicably, all the way home to his rooms from
her mother's house. Oh, the ridiculous trifles of life!--nothing at the
time, but all-powerful for sadness in the days to come.
So powerful, in this case, that he was less than ever ready for the
sphere of pink and green illumination and dance-music, just becoming
self-assertive. Of course!--those young monkeys were hanging about
in the suburbs merely in order to be fetched. They knew their value,
bless you! So Challis thought to himself as he lit another cigar,
sauntering among the cut yew-hedges of a side-garden. A wing of the
house was between him and the dancers, and their sounds were dim. But
from a back-window of the room he had left a quarter of an hour since
still came such noise as is inevitable when a number of close reasoners
with strong lungs go seriously to work on the Nature of Things, and
point out each other's fallacies. "Word-changers in the Temple of
the Inscrutable," thought Challis to himself, as he turned to seek
congenial silence farther afield.
He would find it, he knew, if it were nowhere else in the world, in the
sweet little rose-garden called, for no sane reason, "Tophet."
He and Judith had walked there more than once on his previous visit,
and he had surmised that its most inapt name might be connectable with
the now common word _toff_, meaning a person of birth and position--a
descendant of ancestors. Judith had asked why, and he had told her she
would never be an etymologist at that rate. Bother _why_!
It was a very exclusive little garden certainly--if that would make a
reason--with four high stone walls and a very small door with a very
large key. Perhaps this was locked. It was sometimes. But no one had
ever confessed to having locked it. And the large key always hung on
a hook almost in the lock's pocket, so to speak. A very old gardener
had told Challis it was done on the understanding it might be used.
"I see," said Challis. "'Locke on the Understanding.'" And the old
gardener had said "Ah!" with perfect unsuspicion.
This night it seemed that someone had taken advantage of the
understanding, for the key was in the lock, and the door stood partly
open. Someone must be inside. There was an unaccountable little grating
in the door one could look through. Challis did so, and saw who it
was--the woman in the moonlight.
It was strange how his relations with this woman had changed since
their walk by the river two days since; when, mind you!--not a word had
been spoken to which either ascribed a meaning that could have changed
them. A few days ago theirs was a normal friendship enough, bearing in
mind difference of age and social standards; always factors in human
problems all the world over, shut our eyes to them as we may! Now, the
weft of _his_ consciousness at least was hot with a new disturbing
tint. Why, in Heaven's name, else, need his first instinct be to turn
and run? And all because, forsooth, he had come on Judith Arkroyd
walking in a garden! Surely all the circumstances were vociferous
enough of detachment and independence, for both, to make a start and
a quickened pulse enormously illogical. Why will emotions never be
logical?
One thing is certain, that he did all but turn and slip quietly
away. He accounted to the upper stratum of his consciousness for
this by referring it to a strong desire to be alone and "think over
things." But he had to ignore a mind-flash that had crossed its lower
stratum--one the story should almost apologize for recording, as too
improbable--a sudden image of his odious neighbour, John Eldridge;
which he knew, without hearing anything, had said: "You can't stand
that, Master Titus--never do!--never do at all!" Again, this story is
compelled to disclaim all responsibility for Challis's mental oddities.
But they have to be recorded, for all that.
Perhaps that speech of Sibyl's, in the garden just now, had something
to answer for. What had she been protesting against? Not the stage;
that was all over and done with. Challis never detected his own
absurdity in jumping to the conclusion that the protest must have
related to himself! What right had he to infer, from a tone of Judith's
voice, that she spoke about him?
He did not run, though he went near it. Self-contempt stepped in.
What imbecile cowardice! What a miserable fear that he would lose
the whip-hand of a fool's passion he was not even prepared to admit
the existence of! He--Alfred Challis--who but half-an-hour ago had
been moved to a puny heartache over that memory of the pearl and its
wanderings and recovery! And then, to stagger in a fraction of time all
sane contemplation of past and present, came the clash between that
memory and his moment of shame, a short while since, that "poor Kate's"
place in his heart had so soon been filled by poor slow Marianne. His
wife now!--how his brain reeled to think of it all! There was that home
of his, and the children, and Bob; the thought of the boy as good as
stung him. What should he--what could he--say to Bob hereafter, if...?