"I know that I'm getting old," I said; "I know that my innocent
youth is leaving me, because of the strange and terrible things
which I find myself doing."
"Oo-o-o-oh," said Miss Middleton happily to herself.
"Last Monday, about three o'clock in the afternoon, I--No, I can't
tell you this. It's too awful."
"Is it very bad?" said Miss Middleton wistfully.
"Very. I don't think you--Oh, well, if you must have it, here it is.
Last Monday I suddenly found myself reading carefully and with every
sign of interest a little pamphlet on--LIFE INSURANCE!"
Miss Middleton looked at me quickly, smiled suddenly, and then
became very grave.
"I appeared," I went on impressively, "to be thinking of insuring my
life."
"Have you done it?"
"No, certainly not. I drew back in time. But it was a warning--it
was the writing on the wall."
"Tell me some more," said Miss Middleton, after she had allowed this
to sink in.
"Well, that was Monday afternoon. I told myself that in the
afternoon one wasn't quite responsible, that sometimes one was only
half awake. But on Tuesday morning I was horrified to discover
myself--before breakfast--DOING DUMB-BELLS!"
"The smelling-salts--quick!" said Miss Middleton, as she closed her
eyes.
"Doing dumb-bells. Ten lunges to the east, ten lunges to the west,
ten lunges--"
"Were you reducing your figure?"
"I don't know what I was doing. But there I found myself on the cold
oil-cloth, lunging away--lunging and lunging and--" I stopped and
gazed into the fire again.
"Is that all you have to tell me?" said Miss Middleton.
"That's the worst. But there have been other little symptoms--little
warning notes which all mean the same thing. Yesterday I went into
the bank, to get some money. As I began to fill in the cheque
Conscience whispered to me, 'That's the third five pounds you've had
out this week.'"
"Well, of all the impertinence--What did you do?"
"Made it ten pounds, of course. But there you are; you see what's
happening. This morning I answered a letter by return of post. And
did you notice what occurred only just now at tea?"
"Of course I did," said Miss Middleton indignantly. "You ate all the
muffins."
"No, I don't mean that at all. What I mean is that I only had three
lumps of sugar in each cup. I actually stopped you when you were
putting the fourth lump in. Oh yes," I said bitterly, "I am getting
on."
Miss Middleton poked the fire vigorously.
"About the lunges," she said.
"Ten to the east, ten to the west, ten to the nor'-nor'-east, ten
to-"
"Yes. Well, I should have thought that that was just the thing to
keep you young."
"It is. That's the tragedy of it. I used to BE young; now I KEEP
young. And I used to say, 'I'll insure my life SOME day'; but now I
think about doing it to-day. When once you stop saying 'some day'
you're getting old, you know."
"Some day," said Miss Middleton, "you must tell me all about the
Crimea. Not now," she went on quickly, "because you're going to do
something very silly in a moment, if I can think of it--something
to convince yourself that you are still quite young."
"Yes, do let me. I really think it would do me good."
"Well, what can you do?"
"Can I break anything?" I asked, looking round the room.
"I really don't think you must. Mother's very silly about things
like that. I'm SO sorry; father and I would love it, of course."
"Can I go into the kitchen and frighten the cook?"
Miss Middleton sighed mournfully.
"ISN'T it a shame," she said, "that mothers object to all the really
nice things?"
"Mrs Middleton is a little difficult to please. I shall give up
trying directly. What about blacking my face and calling on the
Vicar for a subscription?"
"I should laugh in church on Sunday thinking of it. I always do."