A
Parody _on_ Iolanthe
BY
_D. DALZIEL_ EDITOR of the Chicago NEWS. LETTER.
The whole Illustrated _by_ H. W. McVickar.
[Illustration]
_Published_ by D. DALZIEL
The Halch Lithographic Co. New York.
MDCCCLXXXIII
[Illustration]
A PARODY on IOLANTHE
(_Respectfully dedicated to the Conductors of the Chicago & Alton
Railroad._)
(BY D. DALZIEL, EDITOR OF THE CHICAGO NEWS-LETTER.)
SCENE.--_A fairy glade on the Chicago & Alton Railway,
at Holy Cross, Illinois. The country bears evidence
of the utmost prosperity. It is early in June, yet
the fields for miles in every direction are waving
with already ripened grain that is going to take
first prize at the next National Exhibition. The
ensuing scene occurs in the brief interval allowed for
purposes of safety between the trains on this road.
Chorus of fairies, discovered dancing over the wheat
stocks._
(_Enter_ ROCKY MOUNTAIN FAIRIES, _led by_ LEILA, CEILA, _and_ FLETO.)
CHORUS.
Tripping always, tripping ever,
By each glen, each rock, each river,
We must twirl and we must twine
Round about the Alton line.
SOLO.
LEILA--
If you ask us how we ride,
See our cars and step inside:
Cars of most convenient size,
Cars enchanting tourists' eyes,
Pullman Palace sleeping cars,
Free from dust, from noise, from jars;
Cars with soft reclining chairs,
Where we nestle free from cares;
Cars no cynic can place fault on,
Chicago, Kansas City, Alton.
Spite of distance, time, or weather,
See three cities link'd together.
CEILA--That is extremely true and very pretty. Moreover, it is a very
noble employment, this acting in behalf of the foremost railway of the
world. Still, we are not altogether happy. Since our queen banished
Iolanthe, our life has not been a transcendent one.
LEILA--Ah, Iolanthe was a whole team, and, like the Alton Road, she was
the only one in the crowd who carried a proper train. But according to
the laws of Fairydom, she committed an unpardonable sin. The fairy who
marries a mortal must die.
CEILA--But Iolanthe is not dead. (_Enter_ FAIRY QUEEN.)
QUEEN--No, because your queen, who loved her as much as a member of the
State legislature loves a railway pass, commuted her sentence to travel
for life on other lines, and sooner than do it she confined herself in
a pond.
LEILA--And she is now working out her sentence in Iowa.
QUEEN--Yes. I gave her the choice of States. I am sure I never intended
that she should go and live under a culvert beneath the bank of an Iowa
railway.
LEILA--It must be damp there, and her chest was always delicate.
QUEEN--Yes. An Iowa railway is hardly the place to send a delicate
chest. Even an iron-bound trunk has no show on any other line than the
Chicago & Alton. I do not understand why she went there.
ALL--How terrible; but, O Queen, forgive her.
QUEEN--I've half a mind to.
LEILA--Make it half and half, and wholly do it.
QUEEN--Well, it shall be as you wish. Arise, Iolanthe.
(IOLANTHE _arises_.)
IOLANTHE--Must I again reflect my grievous fault on----
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
QUEEN--Oh, no; we bring you back to bliss and Alton. And now tell me:
with all the world to choose from, why on earth did you go to live at
the bottom of that Iowa culvert?
IOLANTHE--To be near my son Strephon.
QUEEN--Your son! I didn't know you had a son. I hardly think you'd
oughter, Iolanthe.
IOLANTHE--He was born shortly after I left my husband at your royal
command.
LEILA--What is he?
IOLANTHE--He is an Arcadian brakesman. He is one of those extremely
pure young persons who have passed a competitive examination of
intelligence before they can become _anything_ on the Alton Road. Ah,
here he is.
(_Enter_ STREPHON.)
STREPHON--
Good morrow, good mother;
I'm to be married to-morrow.
IOLANTHE--Then the Counselor has at last given his consent to your
marriage with his beautiful ward Phyllis.
STREPHON--Alas! no. He is obdurate. He wants nothing less than a
General Passenger Agent.
QUEEN--But how to get round this difficulty with the Counselor. Should
you like to be a General Passenger Agent?
STREPHON--That would hardly do. You see I am half human, half fairy. My
body is of the Alton Fairy kind, but my legs are of another line, and
would be likely to take me on the wrong track.
QUEEN--Well, your fairyhood doesn't seem to have interfered with your
digestion.
STREPHON--It is the curse of my existence. What's the use of being half
a fairy? My body can go through the air-brake pipe, but if my legs
ever get between the couplers, I'm a goner. There is one advantage: by
making myself invisible down to the waist, I have collected damages
from one railway company several times, because they couldn't find the
rest of me after an accident. My legs, I suppose, will die some day,
and then what will be the use of my bust? I can't satisfy Phyllis with
half a husband.
QUEEN--Don't let your legs distract you. They shall be our peculiar
care. The Alton does nothing by halves. So farewell, attractive
stranger. [_Exit all._
(_Enter the entire corps of officers of all the railways west of
Chicago, except the C. & A. They are accompanied by a band, in
which the instruments are exclusively and appropriately made of
brass. The blowers in this band are the employés of the railway
officers._)
OFFICERS--
Loudly let the trumpet bray. Tan-tan-ta-ra, tan-tan-ta-ra!
Proudly bang the sounding brasses, tzing, boom!
As upon its lordly way this unique procession passes.
Tan-tan-ta-ra, tan-tan-ta-ra! etc.,
Tzing, boom, tzing, boom! etc.
Bow, bow, ye lower trav'ling masses.
Bow, bow, ye folks who ask for passes;
Blow the trumpets, bang the brasses.
Tan-tan-ta-ra! Tzing, boom! etc., etc.
(_At conclusion, enter_ COUNSELOR.)
COUNSELOR--
The law is the true embodiment
Of everything that's excellent;
It has no kind of fault or flaw,
And I, for cash, expound the law;
A constitutional lawyer I,
For a great railway society;
A very agreeable post for me,
While my railway planks down its fee;
A solid occupation for
A money-making counselor.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
CHORUS OF OFFICERS.
COUNSELOR--
And though the compliment implied
Inflates me with legitimate pride,
It nevertheless can't be denied,
I feel its inconvenient side;
For she has lots of Alton stock,
As good as gold, and firm as a rock.
But there'd be the deuce to pay, O Lord,
If I patch'd up a match with my wealthy ward,
Which rather gets up my dander, for
I'm such a susceptible counselor.
So if a director would marry my ward,
He must come to me for my accord;
In the Alton office I'll sit all day,
To hear what agreeable men may say.
But Phyllis declares she's not for he,
She's not for thou, and she's not for thee,
She wont have you, and she wont have ye,
Because her mind is made up for
A Chicago & Alton director.
(_Enter_ LORD BEESEEKEW.)
LORD B.--And now let us proceed to the business of the day. Few of us
have done any business for many days.
COUNSELOR--True. Let us proceed more rapidly than your trains. Phyllis,
my ward, has so powerfully affected you that you have let all your
railways go to eternal smash, and you have asked me to give her to
whichever one of you I may select. It would be idle for me to deny
that I, too, have been wonderfully attracted to this young woman. My
affection for her is rapidly undermining my constitution, just as it
has undermined the constitutions of all your railways. But we shall
hear what she has to say herself, for here she comes.
(_Enter_ PHYLLIS.)
RECITATIVE.
My well lov'd lord and guardian dear,
You summoned me, and I am here.
CHORUS OF GENERAL PASSENGER AGENTS.
Oh, rapture! how beautiful,
How gentle, how dutiful!
(_Gen. Pass. Agents make a dumb appeal to_ PHYLLIS.)
SONG.
PHYLLIS--
I'm very much pain'd to refuse;
My guardian you can't lay the fault on.
The only young man I would choose
Must be from the Chicago & Alton.
That road so eclipses the rest,
Its men are so handsome and hearty,
That I know where to turn for the best,
When I want a particular party.
(_Enter_ STREPHON, _the brakeman_; PHYLLIS _rushes to him._)
It must not, cannot be,
Your suits my heart has riven;
Yon jolly brakeman see,
To him my heart is given.
ALL THE G. P. A.'S--Jerusalem!
COUNSELOR--
And who has dared to brave our high displeasure,
And thus defy our definite command?
STREPHON--
'Tis I, young Strephon; mine, this rosy treasure;
Against all lines I claim my darling's hand.
(_Exit all the G. P. A.'s in disgust, and with as much dignity as if
they belonged to the Alton Road._ STREPHON _and_ COUNSELOR
_remain._)
COUNSELOR--Now, sir, how dare you fall in love with my ward?
STREPHON--Love knows no guardianship. We follow our inclinations. As
I whirl along the Alton Road, all nature speaks of her love, and says
"Take her." I read it on the face of the Sphinx Rock. William's Cañon
thunders it forth, the Snowy Range melts in sympathy with our love, the
Twin Lakes are one in wishing us joy, the Bowlder Falls leap with joy
at our prospective union, and from Alton to Santa Fé every bird and
bush and tree choruses our bliss; and can you say nay?
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
COUNSELOR--
Duty before pleasure. I always keep my duty before my eyes.
When I went to the Alton, a very young man,
Said I to myself, said I,
I'll work on a new and original plan,
Said I to myself, said I.
I'll never assume that a road is O. K.,
That it's perfect, in fact, like the C. and the A.,
Till I've tried it my own and particular way,
Said I to myself, said I.
I'll never throw dust in a passenger's eyes,
Said I to myself, said I,
Recommending a road with buncombe and lies,
Said I to myself, said I,
Or pretend that some other roads of which we read
Can equal the Alton for comfort and speed,
Or supply all the luxuries travelers need,
Said I to myself, said I.
Ere I boast of the road, I will travel it through,
Said I to myself, said I,
And see that its officers do what they can do,
Said I to myself, said I.
So I went on the road from the first to the last,
I travel'd with pleasure so safe and so fast,
That I said, such a road can ne'er be surpass'd,
Said I to myself, said I.
On all other roads by which men may go,
Said I to myself, said I,
They're none of them safe, and they're all of them slow,
Said I to myself, said I.
The Chicago and Alton must still be A 1,
For business, for pleasure, for health, or for fun,
Or it never could have such a character won,
Said I to myself, said I.
(_This being rather a difficult song to sing, the_ COUNSELOR, _in reply
to the deafening encore which he receives, will hand to each person
in the audience a copy of the Langtry Map, a book of the Patience
Parody, a copy of the Chicago News-Letter, and a folder of the
Alton Road. Exit_ COUNSELOR, _with a skip._)
STREPHON--It's too bad to be taken from Phyllis just when
she was my own.
(_Enter_ IOLANTHE.)
IOLANTHE--What, my son in tears upon his wedding-day!
STREPHON--The Counselor, who is Phyllis's guardian, separates us
forever.
IOLANTHE--Oh, if he only knew----No matter. The Queen of our road and
its fairies shall protect you. See, here they come. (_Enter_ FAIRIES.)
(STREPHON _embraces_ IOLANTHE, _sobbing. Enter_ PHYLLIS. _She sees_
STREPHON _embrace his mother, and starts violently._)
SONG.
STREPHON--The little girl I love has caught me talking to another.
ALL--Oh, fie! Strephon is a rogue.
STREPHON--But then, upon my honor, that other is my mother.
CHORUS.
Taradiddle, taradiddle, fol lol de lay.
STREPHON--
She wont believe my statement, and declares we must be parted,
Although I'm just as true as an Alton train when started;
And if she gets another hub, a brakeman, broken-hearted,
I shall be, taradiddle dee, taradiddle dee.
QUEEN--
You cruel and heartless counselor to part them from each other;
You've done him an injustice, for this lady _is_ his mother.
COUNSELOR--
That yarn requires obesity its thinness well to cover;
I didn't see her face, but he acted like her lover.
And how could she, at seventeen, be an Alton brakeman's mother?
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
CHORUS.
To say she is his mother is a fib as big as many.
Oh fie! Strephon is a rogue;
He'll next declare the Alton's not the best of any.
Taradiddle, taradiddle dee.
COUNSELOR--
I wouldn't say of either what would be thought injurious;
But to find a mother younger than her son is very curious,
Just as 't would be upon our road to drop an aught that's spurious.
Fol de ridle, fol de ridle, fol lol lay.
(_Tremulo music._)
QUEEN--When next your convention does assemble, you may tremble. Our
wrath when railroad heads offend us is tremendous. They must who
underrate our calling "cut rates appalling." Take down our sentence as
we speak it, and he shall wreak it. Henceforth, Strephon, cast away
your brakeman suit and brakeman pay; another racket you shall play. Of
the beauteous Alton Line, favorite Western road of mine, you a G. P. A.
shall be. Gentlemen, what do you think of he?
ALL--It should be him--
QUEEN--
I haven't time
To think of my grammar; it's very good rhyme.
And now take down my word and pleasure. Henceforth, your equal he shall
be. Into your councils he shall come, in your debates he shall rule.
Henceforth, it is the Alton Road you must imitate.
ALL--Have mercy!
QUEEN--From this time forth, you will have to run your trains on the
same standard of excellence which marks the Alton.
(_Hands every one of them a time-table of the C. & A._)
ALL--Spare us!
QUEEN--You will be forced to employ none but civil officials.
ALL--Have mercy!
QUEEN--The comfort of your passengers must be your primary
consideration.
(_Very solemnly._) _You will also be forced to run your trains
according to your advertised time-table._
ALL--(_Shriek_)--Oh, spare us! spare us!
QUEEN--And now depart. When next your council meets, Strephon will be
one of you.
(_Slow music. G. P. A.'s bow to_ STREPHON. _Business, etc. Curtain._)
ACT II.
SCENE--_Interior of the Chicago & Alton Railway at
Chicago. Luxurious surroundings on all sides. Ticket
office opens down to the inlaid mosaic floor. Handsome
divans for passengers engaged in the purchase of
tickets. At the gate, waiting for passengers as they
go through in swarms, is_ WILLIS, _a handsome man,
like all the other servants of this road, and also,
like them, he is clothed in an expensive and becoming
uniform._
WILLIS--(_Sings._)
I often think it's comical,
How nature always does incline
To place the best of all its boys
That's born into this world of mine
In the road that only such employs--
The great Chicago & Alton Line.
(_Enter_ FAIRIES _and_ G. P. A.'s.)
LEILA--(_Who has been attracted by the officers_)--Charming persons,
are they not?
CEILA--They do very well, considering whom they work for. In Alton
uniforms they would look very well.
LORD BEESEEKEW--Well, we have done our best to imitate Alton, but it
seems to be a failure. Why not stop this disgusting protégé of yours?
CEILA--(_Crying_)--We can't stop him. The road has made too much
headway. It is harder to kill than a Presidential boom in Indiana.
(_Aside._) How beautiful they all are!
(_Enter_ QUEEN, _who has overheard last remark._)
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
QUEEN--O you shameful flirts, always running after those railway men.
Don't you know it's death to marry a mortal?
CEILA--If it were, you'd have to execute all of us; but who wouldn't
fall in love with a railroad man?
LEILA--Especially a Chicago & Alton man, and we are not all as tough as
you are.
QUEEN--Am I tough? Look at that daisy! (_Pointing to_ WILLIS.) Who are
you, sir?
WILLIS--Ticket-taker Willis of the Chicago & Alton Railroad.
QUEEN--You're a fine fellow, sir.
WILLIS--Yes, mum, I belong to the Alton.
QUEEN--(_Starts_)--The Alton! Ah! I, too, am not insensible to the
charms of manly beauty. Look at that man! He is a fair specimen of the
Alton employés--a perfect picture.
WILLIS--Yes, mum, I am generally admired, although I do not compare
favorably with my fellow-employés. The standard of beauty is very high
on this road. (_Modestly retires._)
QUEEN--The road has taste--(_To the_ FAIRIES.) Now here is a man
belonging to the first road in the Union, whose physical beauty
eclipses Apollo's. If I yielded to a natural impulse, I should at once
be mashed by that man. But I mortify this inclination; I wrestle with
it,--I subdue it, ha! ha! This is how I suppress my inclinations.
SONG.
O foolish fay,
Think you, because his jacket gay
My bosom thaws, I'd disobey
Our fairy laws? Because I fly
The road above, you think that I
This man could love.
(_Aside._)
Type of Chicago & Alton,
This heart of mine
Is truly thine.
'Tis it I lay the fault on.
(_Exit_ FAIRIES, _sorrowfully following_ FAIRY QUEEN.)
(_Enter_ PHYLLIS.)
PHYLLIS--I can't think why I am not in better spirits. I am engaged
to one General Freight Agent and one General Passenger Agent, and
could have the whole railway association if I only said the word. As
for Strephon, I hate him. No girl would care for a young man who was
considerably older than his mother--though nowadays there are a good
many such floating about.
(_Enter_ LORD BEESEEKEW.)
LORD B.--Phyllis, my own!
PHYLLIS--How dare you! But perhaps you are the Freight Agent--or the
General Passenger Agent.
LORD B.--I am--the latter.
PHYLLIS--How did you secure the distinction?
LORD B.--To be frank, because everybody was rushing for positions on
the Alton, and they left the post uncovered. I have held the place a
long time.
PHYLLIS--Because nobody else would have it?
LORD B.--Not so much that as because now the Alton has run our business
down so, there is no money to pay salaries with, and I am willing to
wait for mine. The stockholders appreciate my kindness.
(_Enter_ LORD SEE EYEAR.)
LORD S.--Dearest Phyllis! (_Embraces her._)
PHYLLIS--The Freight Agent! Well, have you settled? Have you settled
which of you it is to be?
LORD S.--It isn't quite settled. We tossed for it, but we did it
in a saloon where the dice always threw sixes. We got hold of the
proprietor's private set. Suppose we leave the choice to you?
PHYLLIS--How can it possibly concern me? You are both railway
officials. You both get everything but your salaries, and I don't see
where I am to choose. If one of you will throw up your share in your
so-called railway, and admit the Alton to be, what it is, the first
line in the world, I might perhaps take time to consider.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
LORD B.--We are too jealous to admit that, although we know it. The
only resort now is for one of us to give way to the other. Perhaps, on
the whole, she would be happier with me.
LORD S.--The chances are in your favor. The one difficulty which
remains is, that if you rob me of the girl I love I must kill you. I
shall give you a pass over my railroad.
LORD B.--(_Shrieks with fright_)--Not that! Not that! (_Bursts into
tears._)
LORD S.--I think you are right,--the sacrifice is too great. The sacred
ties of friendship will not permit the wanton cruelties suggested,
between men who love each other as we do. (_They embrace._)
(_Enter_ COUNSELOR, _very sorrowful._)
COUNSELOR--(_Recitative._)
Love unrequited robs me of my rest,
Although the Alton Line is still victorious;
But in a song to tell my woes is best,
If you, kind friends, will join me in the chorius.
SONG.
When on some snide road, with a terrible load,
and an engine not up to an Alton one,
You lie ill at ease, in a berth filled with fleas,
all ready to make an assault on one,
With your mind in a pother on this, that, and t' other,
Because, in your doubt and perplexity,
You travel'd this way, while happy as play
Goes the Chicago & Alton just next t' ye.
Then the counterpane tickles--you feel like mixed pickles,
Your pillow as hard as a bullet,
And your sheet is so small it wont cover at all,
No matter 'tis which way you pull it;
Then you rave, and you swear, and tear out your hair,
With none but yourself to lay fault on,
And swear by the Heaven, if once you're forgiven,
To abjure all lines but the Alton.
LORD B.--I am much distresst to find you so sad.
COUNSELOR--I am; I acknowledge it. It is my double capacity which
does it. I am her guardian and her suitor. In my latter capacity I am
overawed by my duty in my other capacity. It unnerves me.
LORD S.--It is hard. Just think of having two capacities. Let us be
truly thankful that we have no capacity at all. But take courage;
nothing that I ever heard of daunted a Chicago & Alton Railroad
official.
COUNSELOR--That is true, and I will be resigned. [_Exeunt._
_Enter_ PHYLLIS.
PHYLLIS--Strephon!
STREPHON--Phyllis! But I forgot. I suppose I should, madam----let me
see,--what name have you decided upon?
PHYLLIS--I haven't quite made up my mind. You see, _I_ haven't any
mother to advise me.
STREPHON--No! I have.
PHYLLIS--Yes, a very _young_ mother.
STREPHON--Not very--a couple of centuries or so.
PHYLLIS--She wears well.
STREPHON--Of course she does. She was born and reared on the C. & A.
line. Besides, she's a fairy.
PHYLLIS--I beg your pardon--a what?
STREPHON--A fairy. I've no longer a reason to conceal the truth.
PHYLLIS--That would account for a good many things. Fairies nowadays
are rather indiscreet. I suppose you are a fairy, too.
STREPHON--I'm half a fairy and half a mortal.
PHYLLIS--Not very substantial. But why didn't you tell me?
STREPHON--I thought I might get myself disliked. There's no use loving
half a man.
PHYLLIS--Better that than to love a whole man, as they go nowadays.
Forgive me.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
STREPHON--Think of the difficulties. My grandmother looks quite as
young as my mother. So do all my aunts.
PHYLLIS--Then, if I catch you kissing the chambermaid, I shall know
she's only a relative in disguise.
STREPHON--In that case, I will forgive you.
PHYLLIS--Then we will be married at once. I will attend to the fairies
afterward. But how about your mother?
IOLANTHE--(_Entering._)--The old lady is here, and blesses you, my
children,--or words to that effect.
STREPHON--But how about her guardian?
IOLANTHE--There is but one thing to do. I have been married to him for
some years now. He is Strephon's father.
STREPHON--At last! I am a wise child.
IOLANTHE--And being his wife, I will assume my domestic duties. Have
you a club handy?
COUNSELOR--(_Enters jubilant_)--It's settled! Victory! victory! I
put the case plainly to myself, although I must confess that when I
addressed so important a personage as the legal adviser of the Chicago
& Alton Railroad, I did so with many feelings of doubt in my mind.
However, I took courage and pleaded my cause well. I said to myself,
with the respect with which I always address myself, you are the legal
adviser of the greatest railroad in the country, and, as such, you
should not hesitate to exercise your _droits de seigneur_ and take the
girl from all competitors. I was bound to admit the force of my own
argument, and so won my case. I shall marry the girl without delay.
There is nothing to stand in the way.
IOLANTHE--(_Comes down._)--Excepting a mere trifle.
COUNSELOR--And that is--but who are you? (_Starts._) Ah! Thou livest,
Iolanthe?
IOLANTHE--Never say die is the motto of the Alton Line. (_She falls
into his arms._)
QUEEN--(_Iolanthe kneels to her._)--
Once more thy vows are broken,
The Fates thy doom has spoken. (_Enter_ EVERYBODY.)
LEILA--Hold! If Iolanthe must die, so must we all, for we are equally
guilty.
QUEEN--Equally guilty! (_All kneel._)
LORD S.--Pardon them. They could not help it. The ancient traditions
surrounding railway officials were too much for them, and they married
us.
QUEEN--The traditions of our tribe must be imperative. They who marry
mortals must die. There is no going back on the statutes.
COUNSELOR--Hold! I haven't been helping the public to obey the law all
these years for nothing. Let me give your statute a whirl. (_Looks it
over._) Easy enough. Make it read that every fairy who marries outside
the Alton Road shall die.
QUEEN--Good idea. (_Does it._) And now where's Willis?
WILLIS--Tickets, please.
QUEEN--Yes, for the matrimonial line. How would you like to be a fairy
ticket-taker?
WILLIS--On the Chicago & Alton?
QUEEN--That is the statute.
WILLIS--It is one of the oldest traditions of this road that none of
its employés can possibly be ill-bred, particularly to a lady. I am
yours.
QUEEN--And now the only way to save our tribe from annihilation is for
all you gentlemen to obey the law. Remember that any fairy who marries
other than a Chicago & Alton man must die. (_All shudder._)
STREPHON--And I, being in the Alton Road, will immediately employ you
all and absorb all your lines. It was bound to come to that sooner or
later.
COUNSELOR--The old wife is better than no wife, so here we all go to
fairyland.
(_The Alton uniform instantly covers them all, and their haggard,
care-worn expressions are replaced by the happy, seraphic looks of
men who habitually work for the C. & A. R. R._)
[Illustration]
[Illustration: Finis]
[Illustration: _Jas. S. Kirk & Comp'y
Soap Masters & Perfumiers
North Side--Chicago_
=Jas. S. Kirk & Compy's Toilet Soaps=
Highly Perfumed with natural odors--In boxes artistically
designed--Packets elaborately enveloped.
=Jas. S. Kirk & Compy's Concentrated Essences for the handkerchief=
Flower odors--Rare degree of strength--And lasting.
=Jas. S. Kirk & Compy's Zenithia Cologne=
A delightful bouquet pronounced by connoisseurs to be the perfection of
colognes.]
"The Home Journal of The West."
THE SATURDAY EVENING HERALD,
CHICAGO,
89 CLARK STREET, GRAND OPERA HOUSE BLOCK.
The HERALD is now in its ninth year, and has achieved a reputation as a
Literary, Critical and Social authority.
It publishes more critical matter, society reports and pure literature
than any other weekly in the West.
The special departments of this most successful family and society
journal are as follows:
1. =Literature, Book Reviews, Essays, Poems, Stories,
Sketches.=
2. =Social Reports and Gossip, Fashion Articles=, and
Discussions of Home Topics.
3. =Musical and Dramatic News, Criticism and
Correspondence.=
4. =Correspondence from the principal Eastern and
European cities.=
5. =Watering Place Reports and Notes of Travel.=
6. =Amateur Rowing, Yachting and Athletic= Reports in
their season.
7. =Editorial Discussions of Noteworthy Events and
Important Topics, Observations and Scientific Papers.=
Those who may not have seen the HERALD recently are invited to obtain a
specimen copy and find how much more newsy and entertaining it is than
ever before.
[hand] All the leading Merchants and Railroads in Chicago indorse the
SATURDAY EVENING HERALD, by constantly making use of its advertising
columns. It is read by more people who have the means and the
inclination to travel than any other weekly paper published in the West.
[hand] It has received more complimentary notices from the press of
Chicago than any other weekly paper ever issued in the city, and,
throughout the city and vicinity, is regarded as _=a Social and
Critical Authority=_.
Subscription, only $2.00 per annum.
LYMAN B. GLOVER. Address THE SATURDAY EVENING HERALD CO.,
JOHN M. DANDY. CHICAGO.
E. R. PAIGE.
[Illustration: CAMPING, BOATING, TENTS]
FOR ANY AND ALL USES.
DEALERS IN
FISH NETS, SEINES AND TWINES
AND ALL FISHING MATERIALS.
GEO. B. CARPENTER & CO.
(Successors to GILBERT HUBBARD & CO.)
202 TO 208 SOUTH WATER STREET, CHICAGO.
CHAS. D. COLSON,
IMPORTER, MANUFACTURER AND DEALER IN
FIRE BRICKS
Furnace Tiles, Cupola Linings,
LOCOMOTIVE FIRE BOX TILES,
Smoke Jacks and Chimney Pipes for Railroad Round Houses,
_CULVERT PIPE, Etc._,
_CONNELLSVILLE COKE_,
_ALBANY MOULDING SAND_,
_PLUMBAGO CRUCIBLES_,
_FOUNDRY FACINGS & SUPPLIES_
Enameled Bricks in All Shapes and Colors, Hydraulic Cement.
PROMPT SHIPMENT. PRICES AND QUALITY GUARANTEED.
SEND FOR CIRCULAR AND CATALOGUES.
184 and 186 Washington St.,
CHICAGO, ILL.
D. L. WELLS, Pres't. E. MARINER, Vice Pres't.
H. L. NORTON, Sec'y and Treas. F. E. WALKER, Engineer.
C.F. SCOVILLE, Manager.
BRIDGE AND CAR WORKS
OF THE
WELLS & FRENCH CO.
OFFICE:
Hawley Building, cor. Madison & Dearborn Sts.,
CHICAGO, ILL.
FREDRICK SCHNEIDER,
MANUFACTURER AND DEALER IN
Stained, Enameled, Embossed, Cut, Ground, Colored and Beveled
GLASS
For Door Panels, Transoms, Prescription Cases, Druggists' Signs,
Railroad Cars, Steamboats, Offices,
PUBLIC BUILDINGS, CHURCHES, ETC.
ESTIMATES FURNISHED FOR CHURCH WORK OF ALL DESCRIPTIONS
80 and 82 MARKET STREET,
Between Washington and Madison,
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS.
CLIFTON HOUSE
CHICAGO.
RATES, $2.50 AND $3.00 PER DAY.
WOODCOCK & LORING,
PROPRIETORS.
THE J. M. W. JONES
Stationery and Printing Co.
_COR. DEARBORN & MONROE STS., CHICAGO_,
MANUFACTURERS OF
The Stromberg Improved Coupon Ticket,
AND CONSECUTIVELY NUMBERED RAILROAD TICKETS
Blank Books and Railroad Blanks of Every Description Made to Order.
LITHOGRAPHED DRAFTS, CHECKS, BONDS, ETC.
DEALERS IN
LIGHT RAILROAD SUPPLIES.
Coupon and Local Ticket Cases. Dating Stamps, Rubber Stamps,
Conductors' Punches, Car Seal Punches,
=L=, =B C=, =2 C= and =1/2= Punches.
BRASS BAGGAGE CHECKS, EYELETTING MACHINES, SEAL PRESSES, WAY-BILL
COPYING PRESSES, HAT BADGES, FOLDER BOXES, TARIFF PORTFOLIOS,
AND PASSENGER AND TICKET SUPPLIES IN GENERAL.
The J. M. W. Jones Stationery AND Printing Co.
167, 169 AND 171 DEARBORN STREET,
CHICAGO.
W. H. SALISBURY. G. F. CLINE.
SALISBURY & CLINE,
DEALERS IN
Rubber and Leather Belting, Hose
AND ALL KINDS OF
RUBBER GOODS
MANUFACTURERS' AGENTS FOR
GOODYEAR I. R. GLOVE CO. BOSTON BELTING CO. BOSTON WOVEN HOSE CO.
JAS. DAVIS & CO.
109 MADISON STREET, CHICAGO.
CARPETS, FURNITURE, CURTAIN GOODS,
FINE AND MEDIUM GRADES AT
POPULAR PRICES,
And Satisfaction Guaranteed to every Purchaser.
_A Large Choice Stock to Select from._
CHICAGO CARPET CO.
Wabash Ave. and Monroe St.
W. S. & J. B. WILKINSON,
Manufacturers of
Fine Morocco, Satin and Plush Cases
AND TRAYS FOR THE JEWELRY TRADE,
6 CALHOUN PLACE,
_REAR OF 116 DEARBORN STREET_, CHICAGO, ILL.
WM. E. STRONG, President. GEO. C. HEMPSTEAD, Treasurer.
THE PESHTIGO COMPANY,
MANUFACTURERS OF
Lumber, Lath and Shingles.
OFFICE AND YARD:
North Water St., North Pier, East of Rush Street Bridge,
CHICAGO.
NATIONAL TUBE WORKS CO.
MANUFACTURERS OF
Lap-welded Pipe, Charcoal Iron
Boiler Tubes, Semi-Steel Locomotive Tubes, Kalamein Boiler Tubes,
MACK'S INJECTORS for LOCOMOTIVES
LIFTING AND NON-LIFTING,
Special Light Wrought Iron Pipe
Fitted with Converse Lock Joint for Water, Gas and Compressed Air,
CASING, DRIVE PIPE, ETC., ETC.
All Sizes, up to 16 inch, inclusive.
NATIONAL TUBE WORKS CO.
Cor. of CLINTON and FULTON STS., CHICAGO.
THE BEST!
THE Great Eastern Mutual Life Association
OF CHICAGO, ILL.
Office: Rooms 25 and 26 Nixon Building, 175 La Salle Street.
OFFICERS:
{J. H. BAKER, President.
{CHAS. A. BRUNER, Secretary.
{C. R. DOLLARHIDE, Gen'l Agent.
{G. H. UNVERZAGT, Gen'l Man. and Treas.
PLAN OF THE ASSOCIATION.
The General Plan of the Association is of the same order of the many
existing Co-operative Benevolent Societies in which an insurer pays an
"Admission Premium" to the agent of the Association. Subsequently, in
case of death, an assessment is made upon said insurer as well as upon
the others, and when it is collected it is paid over to the beneficiary
of the deceased, the money actually not being in the hands of the
Association, as a rule, 30 days.
HOW TO SECURE MEMBERSHIP, AND COSTS.
Any person, male or female, between the ages of 15 and 70, can secure
$6,000 Insurance, or less, in this Association.
COST.--Each $1,000 insurance costs the insurer $10.00 as a membership
fee. Thereafter, $2.00 semi-annually expense fee and assessment for
claims as per table.
-------------++---------------------------------------------------+
TABLE OF || COMPARATIVE ASSESSMENT TABLE. |
ASSESSMENT ||Comparative Assessment Table for a party |
RATE. || aged 68 years. |
-------+-----++---------+-----------------------------------------+
AGES | PAY || | Would pay upon a loss of |
15-40 | 10 ||A member | (See columns below.) |
40-60 | 15 ||having a +------+------+------+------+------+------+
60-65 | 20 ||Policy of|$1,000|$2,000|$3,000|$4,000|$5,000|$6,000|
65-70 | 25 ||---------+------+------+------+------+------+------+
-------+-----+| $1,000 |$ .25 | $ .50|$ .75 |$1.00 |$1.25 |$1.50 |
|| $2,000 | .50 | 1.00| 1.50 | 2.00 | 2.50 | 3.00 |
Cents/$1,000|| $3,000 | .75 | 1.50| 2.25 | 3.00 | 3.75 | 4.50 |
death loss || $4,000 | 1.00 | 2.00| 3.00 | 4.00 | 5.00 | 6.00 |
for every || $5,000 | 1.25 | 2.50| 3.75 | 5.00 | 6.25 | 7.50 |
$1,000 || $6,000 | 1.50 | 3.00| 4.50 | 6.00 | 7.50 | 9.00 |
indemnity |+---------+------+------+------+------+------+------+
a person has||Other associations would, in every instance, charge|
||the highest rates, as given in the lower line |
-------------++---------------------------------------------------+
REMARKS. |
The rate being 25 cts. at this age, of course for a lower rate |
a corresponding difference will occur. |
------------------------------------------------------------------+
_THE ORIGINAL AND ONLY LOW ASSESSMENT ASSOCIATION IN THE UNITED STATES,
WITH ITS PLAN COPYRIGHTED. ITS PATRONS PAY AS THEY GO, AND GET WHAT
THEY PAY FOR._
ITS PRINCIPLES ARE:
A Mutual Performance of Honest Obligations, and Equality to All.
_RELIABLE PATRONAGE AND SOLICITORS WANTED. ADDRESS THE SECRETARY._
W. C. WHITTEMORE,
Steel Rails, Iron Rails
(OLD AND NEW),
CAR AXLES, DRAW BARS, LINKS AND PINS,
RAILROAD SPIKES, SPLICE BARS, TRACK BOLTS,
PRATT WASHERS, CAR WHEELS, NUTS AND WASHERS,
BAR, TANK AND SHEET IRON.
Office, 68 Washington St., Chicago.
[Illustration]
First Premium
AWARDED TO
Empire Car
Roofing Co.,
FOR BEST
APPLICATION OF
Metal Car Roofs.
Office:
264 S. Water St.,
CHICAGO.
_R. B. CROUCH_,
Gen'l Manager.
[Illustration]
J. W. MIDDLETON,
BLANK BOOKS,
Printing, Stationery
55 State Street, Chicago.
REFERS TO {All Railroads leading out of Chicago.
{Banks throughout the West.
THE CONGDON BRAKE SHOE CO.
[Illustration]
Room 19, Commercial Bank Building,
COR. DEARBORN AND MONROE STS.
GEO. M. SARGENT, Sec'y.
WORKS, Cor. 59th and Wallace Sts. WM. D. ROWLEY, Manager.
_Record of Test on Chair Car 102, Chicago & Alton R. R. Co._
"The wear of your four Congdon Shoes on a mileage of 7,824
miles was 15 pounds. Four common shoes show wear of 51 pounds."
The above shows a saving of over 70 per cent. in favor of
Congdon Shoes, or, number of miles run to each pound of Congdon
Shoe worn off, 521.6, and number of miles run to each pound of
common worn off, 153.4.
SPRAGUE, SMITH & CO.,
POLISHED PLATE GLASS,
FRENCH AND AMERICAN WINDOW GLASS,
French and German Mirror Plates; Colored, Cut and Enameled Glass
OF ALL KINDS.
Manufacturers of Pier and Mantel Mirrors,
205 RANDOLPH ST., CHICAGO.
RATES: $2.00 and $2.50 PER DAY.
THE Commercial Hotel,
N. W. CORNER LAKE AND DEARBORN STS.,
Chicago.
C. W. DABB & CO., CHAS. W. DABB,
Proprietors. Manager.
(Formerly of the Palmer House.)
F. M. ATKINSON, President. C. H. FERRY, Treasurer.
CHICAGO TYRE and SPRING WORKS,
SOLE MANUFACTURERS IN THE WEST OF
Cast Steel Car Springs
AND LOCOMOTIVE AND CAR WHEEL TYRES.
We manufacture Springs for Passenger, Freight, Baggage and Express
Cars of every description, and Locomotive and Tender Springs to
specification. We use only the
BEST OBTAINABLE CAST STEEL,
of uniform quality, thoroughly =TEST= every Spring before shipment,
and fully =GUARANTEE= the same for the purpose intended. Capacity,
twenty-five tons daily.
We roll tyres, both crucible and Siemen's Martin, from blooms
especially made for us in England. They are rolled true to
specification, and we give the most satisfactory assurances as to wear
and mileage. Present capacity, twenty Locomotive Tyres daily. We fill
all orders promptly.
_WORKS, MELROSE, ILL. CHICAGO OFFICE, 94 WASHINGTON ST._
CHICAGO AND NEW YORK
The two cities above named are the great commercial centres of the
United States, the former containing in the vicinity of 650,000
inhabitants, and the latter about 1,500,000. The number of people
actually in Chicago at any one time would doubtless range far above
these figures, as its floating or transient population is enormous,
running up into figures that can hardly be credited. The traffic
passing between these two cities daily is very large, when one
considers that they are within a fraction of 1,000 miles apart. Boston
also has a large traffic with Chicago, and, to give an idea of the
accommodations necessary to provide for the passenger business alone
between the three cities, we may state that the
Michigan Central Railroad,
which is the principal thoroughfare between the cities named, runs
five express trains daily--three on Sundays--made up of fine new day
coaches, smoking cars, drawing-room cars, palatial sleeping cars.
The Michigan Central Railroad has always held a foremost place among
the lines between Chicago and the Atlantic seaboard, and the latest
addition to their accommodations, in the shape of four new Dining Cars,
will greatly strengthen its position.
These new cars are incomparable for beauty of design and selectness of
adornments, all the elegancies of art having been exhausted to produce
the most desirable effect. That the end has been gained goes without
saying, and they stand to-day as far in advance of other Dining Cars as
the first Dining Cars were in advance of the lunch counters at wayside
stations.
The _cuisine_ is quite on a par with the finish of the cars, and all
that may minister to the nourishment of the body or tickle the palate
of the most discriminating epicures will be found therein.
Other great features of the Michigan Central Railroad are that its
through trains for New York and Boston run out of Chicago along the
Michigan Lake front, within a stone's throw of the city's costliest
mansions, through South Park and the magic city of Pullman, affording
an extensive survey of this marvel of a marvelous age, and later
passing over the new Cantilever Bridge in full view of Niagara Falls.
It is for this latter reason known to all travelers as "The Niagara
Falls Route."
GEO. KELLER,
21 ILLINOIS ST., CHICAGO, ILL.
MANUFACTURER OF
RAILROAD
Bulletin Boards
AND
FRAMES OF EVERY DESCRIPTION
FOR ADVERTISING PURPOSES.
SAMPLES WILL BE FURNISHED ON APPLICATION.
E. W. BLATCHFORD & CO.
CHICAGO, ILL.
MANUFACTURERS AND DEALERS IN
Lead Pipe. Solder.
Sheet Lead. Antimony.
Bar Lead. Spelter.
Block Tin Pipe. Block Tin.
LINSEED OIL.
A TRIP TO NIAGARA FALLS.
"Come, Adele; come. Nellie; hurry up. Deacon Fitney will be here
directly and the train starts directly."
The voice was that of Mr. Trevellyan, a thoroughly well-known and
highly respected stock broker of the City of Chicago. Mr. Trevellyan
was a hardworking man, and his various affairs did not give him much
opportunity of absenting himself from his business. But to-day had been
laid out as a holiday for the babies, and Papa Trevellyan had made up
his mind to take part in it.
After a good deal of family discussion [these things generally involve
more or less of that sort of thing] it was finally decided to make a
trip to Niagara Falls and back. So a party was made up which was to
consist of Mr. and Mrs. Trevellyan, the two children and a good-hearted
Deacon Fitney, who was well acquainted with the way to "do" the Falls
properly.
The day was, as I have just said, a bright one, even for the month of
June, and both Adele and Nellie, in anticipation of a pleasant time,
were not long in putting on their things and repairing to the parlor.
It was well they hurried. There was papa, valise in hand, ready to
start; mamma, too; and nothing seemed to be wanting but the presence
of Deacon Fitney, who had gone off to secure the railway tickets, and
who promised to return at once with a carriage and accompany the whole
party to the train. The Deacon was not long in coming back. He was a
good man in his way, was the Deacon. He had only one fault--he was
unreasonably fond of Buttons! He adorned his apparel with more buttons
than even the law requires, and he wore a nice gold-headed button on
his neatly-tied satin scarf. Nobody could ever find out what prompted
this peculiarity, but then nobody seemed to care very much. However, as
I said before, the Deacon came back very quickly and helped get things
in the carriage.
"By the way, Deacon," said Mr. Trevellyan, "what time do we start and
which way do we go? You know I have left everything of that kind to
you."
"Four-fifteen," said the Deacon, in a cheerful sort of way, "and by the
Michigan Central Railroad. It is the only way to go. But never mind
about the advantages to be gained by going over this remarkable route.
I will tell you all about it when we get on the train."
And so they bundled into the carriage, and within a few minutes the
entire party was seated in one of the magnificent palace cars which are
attached to the Michigan Central Limited Express.
"All aboard!" shouted the conductor. "We're off," smiled the Deacon.
The big clock in the depot struck the quarter after four, and the
magnificent train, composed of five sleepers, three coaches, a palace
dining car and a couple of baggage cars, slowly pulled out of the
station.
Adele and Nellie glued their noses to the window, and their delight
as they whizzed through the beautiful suburbs of South Chicago seemed
unbounded. With Lake Michigan, tranquil and glittering with the rays
of a summer sun, on one side, and a succession of lovely suburban
residences on the other, the sight was a most lovely one. A few minutes
later the train was flying through green fields and beautiful woods.
"Here, children," suddenly cried the Deacon from the other side of the
car, "come quick and see the magic city of Pullman." In a minute Adele
was on one of the Deacon's knees and Nellie on the other, and the train
passed rapidly by the most wonderful evidence of modern enterprise.
"Three years ago," said the Deacon, in answer to an enquiring look of
admiration in the children's eyes, "the ground on which stands this
most beautiful city, which is without doubt the model city of the
world, was nothing but a swamp. See what it is now. Some day, when we
get back home, I will bring you here and let you learn more closely
what the creator of the beautiful place which bears the name of Pullman
has done for his country."
A minute later the train flew past Kensington, and then fairly started
on its iron way for its first stopping place, Michigan City, better
known as the City of Sand. Then came Niles, with it wonderful bridge
and its fairy valley. Then Kalamazoo, the biggest village in the
world and the flower bed of creation. Then Marshall, Battle Creek
and, Jackson, the latter place the centre of railway industry of the
beautiful State of Michigan. Then Ann Arbor, where is situated the
University of the State of Michigan, and then, last but not least,
Detroit.
By this time, of course, the babies had been tucked in bed. The Deacon
had taken them into the dining car and feasted them with all the
inexhaustible luxuries for which these cars on the Michigan Central R.
R. are so famous.
Then, the colored porter having made up their beds, they were soon fast
asleep and dreaming of the treat in store for the morrow.
The Deacon, however, was determined at least that his grown-up friends
should lose none of the beauties of the trip, and so he insisted that
Mr. and Mrs. Trevellyan should remain up until they had crossed the
famous Detroit River. The night was a beautiful one, and they were
amply rewarded by witnessing one of the most thoroughly picturesque
pieces of scenery in the world. The entire train was placed on one of
the immense ferry steamers, and the landing shortly afterwards made
at Windsor, a picturesque and quaint little town on the Canadian side
of the river. At this point commences the Canada Southern Division of
the Michigan Central Railroad, famous alike for the magnificence of
its equipment and smoothness of track. Here our friends, so to speak,
turned in, and it was only a few minutes before every one on board was
fast asleep.
The next thing was the morning sun and Niagara Falls. The run had been
made from Chicago in the remarkable time of fifteen hours.
"Oh, how good of you, Deacon Fitney," said little Adele a short while
later, as, standing on the platform at Falls View Station, she gazed
with rapture at the Falls in all their splendor. "How good of you to
bring us to such a nice place, and by such a delightful road."
And little Adele had reason to so express herself, for, standing where
she was, at Falls View Station, she was able to command the most
awe-inspiring and lovely view of the Falls to be obtained anywhere.
"I am glad you like it," said the Deacon, with a smile; "but you must
not credit me with too much goodness, for I could hardly have brought
you by any other way. The Michigan Central road is the only direct road
running to the Falls, and you could hardly expect that I could take you
there by any line which is not entirely the best."
Mr. and Mrs. Trevellyan heartily joined Adele in her expressions of
thanks to the Deacon, and more than endorsed every word he had said in
praise of the wonderful Michigan Central Limited Express.
The conductor then called "all aboard," and the train again started
on its way, and very shortly crossed the Niagara River over the
magnificent steel Cantilever bridge which the Michigan Central people
have just erected at this point.
"This is the great Cantilever bridge you have heard so much about,"
said the Deacon to little May. "It is the greatest scientific
engineering effort of the age, and it is well worth visiting Niagara,
if only to see it. With Niagara Falls and the Cantilever bridge the
Michigan Central people are able to show their passengers the greatest
work of nature and of man to be found in the country."
From the bridge the train glided along to Niagara Falls station, on the
American side. Here our little party alighted, and, after driving about
the village, they soon found themselves in the comfortable parlors of
the Clifton House, enjoying one of Mr. George Colburn's justly famous
repasts.
Then they spent the day at the Falls--a day of merry sunshine and
happiness. The Falls never looked grander, and nature never smiled with
more sweetness. The time passed only too quickly, and when the children
stepped on the cars once more to return to Chicago, it was with a
twinge of regret which was only offset by the knowledge that they had
another delightful trip in store for them on the Michigan Central road.
Now Adele has the following time table hung up among her pictures on
the wall in her bed room. She says it serves to remind her of one of
the happiest days of her life. Above it, in a baby's handwriting, she
has scrawled:
"THE ONLY WAY TO GO EAST FROM CHICAGO IS BY THE
MICHIGAN CENTRAL R. R."
TRAIN No. 10.--FAST NEW YORK EXPRESS,--Leaves
Chicago _every day_ at 4:30 P. M., and consists of one
First-Class Smoking Car, one First-Class Day Coach,
one DINING CAR and THREE PALACE SLEEPING CARS, running
on the following time:
Leaves Chicago............4:15 PM Sun. Mon. Tues. Wed. Thur. Fri. Sat.
" Jackson............9:57 PM " " " " " " "
Arrives Detroit...........12:05 AM Mon. Tues. Wed. Thur. Fri. Sat. Sun.
" St. Thomas..............3:25 " " " " " " " "
" Toronto, via CVRy.......9:40 " " " " " " " [A]
" Niagara Falls...........6:55 " " " " " " " "
" Buffalo.................7:50 " " " " " " " "
" Rochester, via NYC.....11:10 " " " " " " " "
" Syracuse, via NYC.......1:30 PM " " " " " " "
" Utica, via NYC..........3:12 " " " " " " " "
" Albany, via NYC.........5:50 " " " " " " " "
" Troy, via NYC...........6:55 " " " " " " " "
" New York, via NYC......10:00 " " " " " " " "
" Hornellsville,via Erie 12:00 " " " " " " " "
" Elmira, via Erie........1:40 " " " " " " " "
" Binghamton, via Erie....3:19 " " " " " " " "
" New York, via Erie.....10:25 " " " " " " " "
" Philadelphia, via LV...10:30 " " " " " " " [A]
" Boston, via B&A.........6:25 AM Tues. Wed. Thur. Fri. Sat. Sun.[B]
[A] Does not arrive on Sunday. [B] Does not arrive on Monday.
======================================================================
This train, leaving Chicago one hour later than heretofore, makes a
much surer connection with Western lines.