'We form not our affections. It is they
That do form us; and form us in despite
Of our poor protests.'
LYTTON.
Summer slid into autumn, and autumn into winter. The first few months of
married life had been difficult to Mr. Loftus, but he had brought his
whole attention and an infinite patience to bear on them, and gradually
his reward came to him. Sibyl could learn because she loved. She learned
slowly, but still she did learn, to read, not her husband's
thoughts--those were far from her--but his wishes. She discovered, with
a pang which cost her many secret tears--but still she did
discover--that he often wished to be alone, and that she must not go
into his study unless she were asked to do so. She learned gradually
when to join him when he paced in the rose-garden, and when it vexed and
wearied him to have her by him. And she learned, too, after the first
horrible experience, which neither could remember without anguish, when,
with blue lips, he had begged her not to touch him; that when he had an
attack of the heart she must not betray her agony of mind, if she was to
be allowed to remain in the room, and she must not ignorantly try to
apply the remedies, but must leave it to Mr. Loftus's valet, whose
imperturbable calm and promptitude had often ministered to his master
before. Sibyl's terror of death and violent emotion at its approach
were peculiarly trying to Mr. Loftus, who had long since ceased to
regard death with horror, and only wished to be allowed to meet it
quietly, without a scene.
All intimacy was difficult to his solitary nature. It was alien while it
was courteously welcomed. It was the natural instinct of hers. She had
to learn to suppress her tenderness--or, at any rate, its expression--a
hard lesson for an over-demonstrative nature, not long out of its teens.
But Sibyl learned even that for his sake. And there her knowledge
stopped. It never reached beyond his wishes to his mind. She was merged
entirely in her love of her husband, but if he had been unworthy of the
exalted pedestal on which she had placed him, she would not have
discovered it.
'It might just as well have been Doll.' Mr. Loftus thought occasionally,
half amused, when he had the barbarity to try a platitude of the first
water upon her--one of Doll's best, such as the young man, after diving
into the recesses of his being, could produce, and found she received it
with as much interest as the thoughts for which he had dug deep. For
hero-worship was necessary to Sibyl, but not a hero--only that she
should consider him one. The sham was to her the same as the real. She
saw no difference. Like many another woman, she would have adored an
ass's ears, wondering at the blindness of the rest of mankind. But if
the truth about those ears had been forced upon her, rubbed into her,
tattooed upon her, her entire belief in human nature would have fallen
with the fall of one fellow-creature. The heights and depths of human
nature had never awed her, nor its great forces moved her to reverence
or compassion. She was of the stuff out of which the female cynic, as
well as the female devotee, is made.
Mr. Loftus did not marvel at an adoration which has been the birthright
of his fortunate sex since the world began, but his perennial wonder at
the enigma of feminine human nature had a new element added to it--that
of amusement. She played with his tools, as a robin perches on a spade,
thinking it is stuck in the earth for that purpose, and for the turning
up of worms.
The struggles, the despair, the hope and the aspiration, through which
his youth had climbed, and out of which it had forged its tools, were
not a part of Sibyl's youth. She liked the tools now that they were
made, and desired them for her own small uses. She was naturally drawn
to those of deeper convictions and larger faiths. She liked the luxury
of being moved by them, stirred by them, lifted beyond herself by a
power outside of herself. She loved to nibble the edge of their
hard-earned bread and feel that she, too, was of them, and make believe
that she had helped to grind the flour; and to make believe with Sibyl
was the same thing as to believe. Her insolvent nature clung to the rich
one, ostensibly because it was sympathetic, but really because it was
rich.
This unconscious audacity was a novel source of entertainment to Mr.
Loftus, a bubbling wayside spring which he had hardly hoped to meet with
on the dry highroad of married life. It is greatly to be feared that his
conscience, usually a tender one, was hardly as watchful as it should
have been on this subject. It certainly had lapses when Sibyl conversed
with him seriously, especially when she coupled his feelings with her
own on the greatest subjects, never doubting that they were identical.
But after a short time he dared not speak to her of anything really dear
to him. She had a gift for making sacred things common by touching them,
and age had not tarnished reverence in Mr. Loftus's soul, though it had
tarnished many things which youth holds in reverence. He talked to her,
instead, on subjects which he had not much at heart, and that did quite
as well.
And she, on her side, would bring to him the inferior religious books,
and superficial unorthodox works which she believed to be deep because
they were unorthodox, which were the natural food of her little soul,
and he received them and her remarks upon them, as he received a flower
when she gave him one, with courtesy and gratitude.
So absorbed was she in her devotion to her husband, and in the
interchange of beautiful sentiments, that her other duties, increased by
her position at Wilderleigh, were not even perceived. Unobservant
persons are sometimes surprised at the real devotion--and Sibyl's was
real--of which a shallow and cold-hearted nature shows itself capable.
But those who look closer perceive at what heavy expense to others that
one link is held, which is in reality only a new and more subtle form of
selfishness.
She dropped the other links without even knowing that she had dropped
them. She had no tender, watchful gratitude for Lady Pierpoint, no
interest in Peggy's new gowns and lovers, or as to whether Molly had
enjoyed her first season. If this had been pointed out to her, she would
have glibly ascribed the result to marriage, which, according to some
women, is the death-bed of all sympathy and impersonal love. It is like
ascribing sin to temptation.
The Gresleys were much disappointed in her, and they had reason to be
so, for Sibyl had changed over after her discovery of Mr. Loftus's
convictions, or, rather, her interpretation of them, and, instead of
being rather High Church, had now decided to be 'wide,' which state, it
soon appeared, was not compatible with being an efficient helper to the
earnest hard-working young couple at her gate. Mr. Loftus, who now had
command of money, was far more considerate than his wife.
'She,' Mrs. Gresley complained, 'did not seem to care to do anything
with her life, for she would neither sing in the choir nor teach in the
Sunday-school.'
She did consent to give prizes for needlework in the schools, but when
the day came it was discovered that she had forgotten all about it, and,
as she had a cold, Mr. Loftus drove into the nearest town and brought a
mind weighted with political matter to bear upon the requisite number of
prizes suited to girls of from seven to fourteen years, and hurried back
just in time to prevent disappointment by distributing them himself.
'Have you written lately to Lady Pierpoint?' he sometimes asked, and
Sibyl generally had to confess, 'Not lately,' and then she would write
and then forget again.
'I suppose Lady Pierpoint is less well off now that you are married?' he
asked one day tentatively. 'No doubt your guardians made her an
allowance while you lived with her.'
'Yes,' said Sibyl, who was sitting on the hearthrug, trying to make
Crack do his trick of sitting up. It was his only trick, and he could
not do that unless he happened to be sitting down when called upon to
perform it. If he were on all fours at the moment, he could not remember
how it began. 'Aunt Marion often said it was a very handsome allowance.'
'And have you continued it, or part of it?' asked Mr. Loftus gravely.
Sibyl owned that she had never thought of doing so.
'Everything I have is yours now,' she said, looking up at him.
'And I am spending it,' he said, 'freely. Thousands of yours are being
put into the estate, in repairs, and new farms and buildings. I am like
the man in Scripture who pulled down his barns to build greater--at
least, who intended to do so if he had had time.'
Mr. Loftus stopped. For the first time for many years a faint wish
crossed his mind that his soul might not be required of him till all
those expensive improvements were paid for, which would make Doll's
position as landlord easier than his own had been.
'Even in these bad times,' he went on, 'Wilderleigh will come round. You
have taken a great weight off my mind, Sibyl.'
'That is what I wish,' she said, turning her face, as he put back a
little ring of hair behind her ear, so that her lips met his hand.
'But Lady Pierpoint? I am afraid, Sibyl, her husband left her very badly
off.'
'I will write now,' said Sibyl, springing to her feet.
Crack rose too, and jumped on Mr. Loftus's knees, quietly pushing his
hands off them with his strong nose, and accommodating his long, thin
body by a few jerks into the groove which a masculine lap presents. Mr.
Loftus did not want him, and it tired him to keep his knees together;
but he knew there was a draught on the floor, and he allowed him to
remain.
'How much shall I say? A thousand a year or fifteen hundred for her
life?' asked Sibyl, dipping her pen in the ink. It was all one to her.
She always gave freely of what cost her nothing--namely, money.
'It must not be too much, or she won't feel able to take it,' said Mr.
Loftus, considering. 'And if it is an annuity, it does not help the
children.' And he wondered how far he dared go.
And when, a few days later, Lady Pierpoint received a note from Sibyl,
very delicately and affectionately expressed, and offering, in such a
manner as to make refusal almost impossible, a sum of money more than
sufficient to provide for both her daughters, she guessed immediately
whose tact had dictated the letter.
'Sibyl would never have thought of it,' she said to herself, as she
wrote a note of acceptance. 'It never crossed her mind when she left us,
or even to offer to pay for Peggy's and Molly's bridesmaids' gowns,
although she chose such expensive ones. And if it had occurred to her
since, she would not have put it like that.'