Since the introduction of the patent air brake on passenger trains, by
which brakemen have been dispensed with, a number of patent right men have
been studying up some contrivance to do away with conductors. All have
failed except one, and that fortunate inventor is Col. Johnson, of the
Railroad Eating House, Milwaukee. He has been engaged for two years on
this patent, and has got it so near completed that he has filed a caveat
at the Patent Office, and as his rights are secured, it can do no harm to
describe the invention, as it is destined to work quite a revolution in
the railroad business. It has been Col. Johnson's idea that an arrangement
could be made so that an engineer of a train could have the whole train
under his charge, to stop it, start it, collect fares, and bounce
impecunious passengers, from his position on the engine, and do it all by
steam, wind and water. A series of pneumatic tubes run from the door of
each car to the engine, with speaking tubes. A passenger gets on the
platform, and through the speaking tube asks the engineer what the fare is
to such a place. The answer is returned, the fare is put in the hopper of
the pneumatic tube, it goes to the engineer, he pulls a string, the door
flies open and the passenger enters. Not the least important part of the
machinery is the patent "æolian bouncer," as it is called. A pair of ice
tongs are placed so as to grasp the passenger by the seat of the pants or
the polonaise, as the case may be, when he or she gets on the platform.
These tongs are connected with the air brakes, in such a manner that by
the engineer's touching a spring the whole force of the compressed air
takes possession of the tongs, and the passenger is snatched bald-headed,
metaphorically speaking. For instance, a passenger gets on the platform at
Portage, and the ice tongs grasp him or her securely. If he or she pays
the fare, the door is opened, the tongs release their hold, and
the person is allowed to enter. But if the engineer should find that they
had no money, or that their pass had run out, and they were trying to beat
their way, he would pull the string and they would be lifted back on the
depot steps and stood on their heads, raised in the air and made to see
stars. Col. Johnson has been offered a fabulous sum for his patent, but he
has not decided whether to sell or lease it. A trial trip was made at
Milwaukee, the other day, and though the machine was not perfect, the
experiment was not altogether a failure. A car was arranged with the
apparatus, and went out to the Soldier's Home. Col. Johnson and a number
of prominent railroad men were on board. They got a veteran soldier and a
Polack waman to allow the machine to experiment on them. The machine took
hold of the soldier and the engineer jerked. The man had one leg torn off,
and the seat of his overcoat was ruined. He wouldn't try again, so they
let the woman step on the platform. The engineer turned it the wrong way,
and the car seemed full of compressed air, and a smell of limberger cheese
pervaded the premises. When the smoke cleared off the woman was not to be
found. After voting the machine a success the party started for Milwaukee.
On nearing the city a pair of wooden shoes were seen in the air coming
down, and they lit in the the canal by the tannery. A pair of corsets
struck on Plankinton's packing house, and sections of spinal cord, and one
leg of a pair of red drawers came down on the Soldier's home, and hair was
found on the top of the car. It is thought the engineer loaded the air
bouncer too heavy, and that it kicked. However, Col. Johnson was not
discouraged, and will soon have his patent on all cars. The husband of the
Polack woman wanted Johnson to pay him three dollars, but he said he
didn't want to buy the woman. All he wanted was to hire her, anyway. Col.
Johnson is a great inventor. It was he that invented the stomach
pump, and the automatic candle enunciator, for awakening guests in the
night to take early trains. The latter he sold to Mr. Williams, of Prairie
du Chien, for a large amount and took his pay in trade.