The first dark day of nothingness,
The last of danger and distress.
BYRON.
Thus signed and sealed, a devoted soldier of the church of God,
"fearless yet trembling," Eustace Trevor went forth, and proceeded to
his home--for home he must always term the spot which contained his
mother.
In his mind was a conflict of many and full fraught feelings. There was
the consciousness of the great and responsible charge he had that day
taken, and the new colouring it must henceforth cast upon his future
existence--accompanied by a calm and holy joy (as at the same time, that
peace and good-will to all men warmed his heart, yes even to his
enemies) the world seemed to fade from his estimation, and the kingdom
of Heaven and its righteousness, to be the only one on which his soul
was fixed.
But perhaps a less high-toned, but no less pure and holy emotion was the
one which, unknown to himself, most strongly predominated over the
rest--the idea of his mother. The glad surprise he had prepared for her
suffering spirit, the joy he knew would fill those sorrow-dimmed eyes,
when she learnt the consummation of her heart's desire on his behalf!
It would be difficult to conceive aright the depth and strength of the
affection which, fed by "love and grief, and indignation," had grown
with the growth, and strengthened with the strength of Eustace Trevor
towards his mother; therefore its expression to some might appear
exaggeration, but such it was, and the nearer he now approached the
demesne of Montrevor, the more was his mind filled with her pure and
holy image, and all the happiness he hoped for, both present and future,
seemed to concentrate in that one point.
The possibility of losing her, seemed to become a thing he could not
allow himself to think was possible. It was but sorrow and mental
suffering which had affected her precious health. Happiness should again
restore it; he would have a home to offer her. Power or principle could
not bind her to the one, where wrongs, dishonour, and grief, had been so
long her portion. He would bear her away to more healthful air, and with
his love and devotion bind up her broken heart, and heal her bruised
spirit. He had enough to provide for her in comfort, if not in luxury;
and what luxury--what scarcely comfort, had she ever tasted in her
husband's penurious abode?
If a thought of the day when those princely possessions he entered would
be his, crossed his mind, the idea was but fraught with painful regret;
scarcely daring, as he did, to extend his dreams so far as to
contemplate the possibility of _her_ being alive when that day came, to
profit by the circumstance--to find all the grief, and wrong, and
slight, and dishonour which had marked her existence in her husband's
wealthy house, exchanged for the honour, power and dominion--to say
nothing of the peace and prosperity--which should gild her latter days,
as mistress of her son's rich inheritance.
Yet at the same time it may be truly said no dark thoughts, no covetous
desire which might have sprung too naturally from this train of ideas in
any other breast, was hereby suggested. No, he felt too great a calm, a
peace and contentment, in the present aspect of his life, as contrasted
with the struggles and trials which had been its early portion, not to
have contemplated such a _bouleversement_ as that to which we allude
with any feeling save that of horror and distaste. No--he had seen and
proved enough of the hateful sin of covetousness, for any such feeling
to have gained admittance in his breast; nay, not indeed to have fled
from its very idea, as from a serpent.
"They that will be rich fall into a temptation and a snare, and into
many foolish and hurtful lusts, which draw men into destruction and
perdition. For the love of money is the root of evil, which, when some
coveted after, they have erred from the faith and pierced themselves
through with many sorrows. But thou, man of God, flee from these things
and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience,
meekness."
Thus, in a frame and state of mind which it would have been far from
the thoughts of man to conceive as the presager of misery, dark and
horrible, Eustace Trevor approached his father's house.
It was night, and the mansion seemed wrapped in more than its customary
gloom and darkness. Every window was closed and shuttered--all save one,
and from that the only ray of light visible on its whole extent
glittered through the open casement.
It was enough--the light came from his mother's chamber. The star of his
home shone forth, as it had ever done, to cheer and welcome his
approach. He did not seek admittance at the front door. That had never
been the privilege of himself or brothers during their boyhood, or their
custom by choice in later years.
There was a more private entrance, through which, after having left
their horse or other vehicle at the stables, the young Trevors could
enter or issue at their pleasure--safe from the _espionage_ or uncertain
welcome of their father. To this Eustace had now recourse. He tried it,
and finding the doors beyond his expectations unsecured, passed through,
making his way by a back staircase to his mother's apartments, without
encountering a domestic or any person on his route.
The house was still and silent as the grave. He entered the boudoir.
There was no lamp or candle burning there, but the clear light reflected
from the adjoining chamber, of which the door was ajar, seemed to
indicate that his mother had retired for the night.
Softly he stepped across the floor to make known to her his arrival. He
knew she was expecting him about this time, therefore no fear of
startling her too much by his sudden appearance presented itself to his
mind--no fear indeed! He listened. All was still--only a slight breeze
through the window, (he vaguely wondered that it was open at this hour
though the night indeed was close and still), faintly rustled the canopy
of the bed and flared the waxen tapers standing on the table. If his
mother were there, she undoubtedly slept.
He glanced around the room before advancing further to ascertain the
fact, and was struck by the cold and unnatural order pervading the
apartment. It was the sign which first chilled his blood and impressed
him with a vague but horrible dread. Yet he stood no longer; with a
firm though somewhat quickened step he approached, laid his hand upon
the drapery, which was slightly drawn round the head of the bed, and
beheld his mother.
She slept indeed--how fast, how well, one look alone sufficed to reveal!
But Eustace's eye turned not from the gaze which had first fixed itself
upon that marble brow.
"He gazed--how long we gaze in spite of pain,
And know, but dare not own, we gaze in vain.
In life itself she was so still and fair,
That death with gentler aspect withered there."
The long faded beauty of her youth seemed to have returned to Mrs.
Trevor's countenance, as there in "the rapture of repose," she lay.
Yet the son's eye became glazed in its intensity, as if the sight was
one of horror and fearfulness, whilst the hue of the cold sleeper's
cheek, was life, and health, and beauty, compared with that which
settled on his face.
A female servant of the establishment came and found him still standing
thus. The woman's startled alarm at first was great. To behold that tall
statue-like figure in the chamber she had left, deserted by all living.
But any weak demonstration of her fear was awed into reason and
collectiveness, by the recognition of her dead mistress' son, who at
length, as she stood transfixed in her first paroxism of terror to the
spot, turned his face towards her, revealing a countenance on which no
passionate emotion, no strong grief, nothing but a stern, fearful
composure, was visible, and demanded in a low, hollow voice:
"When did she die?"
"This morning at nine o'clock," the woman answered, weeping.
"It was enough--she died; what reck'd it how?"
Eustace waved his hand in sign for her to depart. She obeyed
immediately, closing the door instinctively behind her; seeming at once
to feel and understand that he who had most right to command, within
that chamber, had arrived.
And all through the lonely watches of that night; lock and bolt from
within, secured, shut out from all intrusion, the agonized communion of
the living with the peaceful sorrowless dead. The living in his agony
which no tongue could tell; the dead, whose life might have been called
one long painful sigh--one sympathetic groan, lying there, serene,
senseless, smiling on his pain. But too great had been the shock of the
deep waters which now overwhelmed his soul, for Eustace Trevor to
consider, and bless God that it was so. He that but an hour before had
come on his way rejoicing--his spirit lifted up as it were on eagles'
wings, "from this dim spot which men call earth," to heaven, now was as
a crushed worm--a broken reed,--stricken to the ground in hopeless,
powerless despair!
"Why hast thou smitten me, and there is no healing for me? I looked for
peace and there is no good; for the time of healing, and behold
trouble!"
Such is man in his best estate; his highest strength is
weakness--altogether vanity. Let the Almighty call forth his storm to
break upon his head; let him wither his gourd--his spirit faints, and is
ready to die.