Produced by Roger Frank and the Online Distributed
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[Illustration: "'Don't!' says Vee. 'You'll spill the coffee.'"]
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THE HOUSE OF TORCHY
BY
SEWELL FORD
AUTHOR OF
TORCHY, TRYING OUT TORCHY, SHORTY MCCABE, Etc.
ILLUSTRATIONS BY
ARTHUR WILLIAM BROWN
GROSSET & DUNLAP
PUBLISHERS--NEW YORK
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Copyright, 1917, 1918, by
SEWELL FORD
Copyright 1918, by
EDWARD J. CLODE
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
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CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
I Torchy and Vee on the Way 1
II Vee with Variations 12
III A Qualifying Turn for Torchy 25
IV Switching Arts on Leon 44
V A Recruit for the Eight-three 60
VI Torchy in the Gazinkus Class 79
VII Back with Clara Belle 96
VIII When Torchy got the Call 114
IX A Carry-on for Clara 134
X All the Way with Anna 152
XI At the Turn with Wilfred 172
XII Vee Goes Over the Top 193
XIII Late Returns on Rupert 214
XIV Forsythe at the Finish 232
XV The House of Torchy 250
XVI Torchy gets the Thumb Grip 272
XVII A Low Tackle by Torchy 288
XVIII Tag Day at Torchy's 307
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THE HOUSE OF TORCHY
CHAPTER I
TORCHY AND VEE ON THE WAY
Say, I thought I'd taken a sportin' chance now and then before; but I
was only kiddin' myself. Believe me, this gettin' married act is the big
plunge. Uh-huh! Specially when it's done offhand and casual, the way we
went at it.
My first jolt is handed me early in the mornin' as we piles off the
mountain express at this little flag stop up in Vermont, and a roly-poly
gent in a horse-blanket ulster and a coonskin cap with a badge on it
steps up and greets me cheerful.
"Ottasumpsit Inn?" says he.
"Why, I expect so," says I, "if that's the way you call it.
Otto--Otta--Yep, that listens something like it."
You see, Mr. Robert had said it only once, when he handed me the
tickets, and I hadn't paid much attention.
"Aye gorry!" says the chirky gent, gatherin' up our hand luggage. "Guess
you're the ones we're lookin' for. Got yer trunk-checks handy?"
With that I starts fishin' through my pockets panicky. I finds a
railroad folder, our marriage certificate, the keys to the studio
apartment I'd hired, the box the ring came in, and----
"Gosh!" says I, sighin' relieved. "Sure I got it."
The driver grins good-natured and stows us into a two-seated sleigh, and
off we're whirled, bells jinglin', for half a mile or so through the
stinging mornin' air. Next thing I know, I'm bein' towed up to a desk
and a hotel register is shoved at me. Just like an old-timer, I dashes
off my name--Richard T. Ballard.
The mild-eyed gent with the close-cropped Vandyke and the gold-rimmed
glasses glances over at Vee.
"Ah--er--I thought Mrs. Ballard was with you!" says he.
"That's so; she is," says I, grabbin' the pen again and tackin' "Mr. and
Mrs." in front of my autograph.
That's why, while we're fixin' up a bit before goin' down to breakfast,
I has this little confidential confab with Vee.
"It's no use, Vee," says I. "I'm a rank amateur. We might just as well
have rice and confetti all over us. I've made two breaks already, and
I'm liable to make more. We can't bluff 'em."
"Who wants to?" says Vee. "I'm not ashamed of being on my honeymoon; are
you?"
"Good girl!" says I. "You bet I ain't. I thought the usual line, though,
was to pretend you'd----"
"I know," says Vee. "And I always thought that was perfectly silly.
Besides, I don't believe we could fool anyone if we tried. It's much
simpler not to bother. Let them guess."
"And grin too, eh?" says I. "We'll grin back."
Say, that's the happy hunch. Leaves you with nothing to worry about. All
you got to do is go ahead and enjoy yourself, free and frolicsome. So
when this imposin' head waitress with the forty-eight bust and the grand
duchess air bears down on us majestic, and inquires dignified, "Two,
sir?" I don't let it stagger me.
"Two'll be enough," says I. "But whisper. Seein' as we're only startin'
in on the twosome breakfast game, maybe you could find something nice
and cheerful by a window. Eh?"
It's some breakfast. M-m-m-m! Cute little country sausages, buckwheat
cakes that would melt in your mouth, with strained honey to go on 'em.
"Have a fourth buckwheat," says I.
"No fair, keeping count!" says Vee. "I looked the other way when you
took your fifth."
Honest, I can't see where we acted much different than we did before.
Somehow, we always could find things to giggle over. We sure had a good
time takin' our first after-breakfast stroll together down Main Street,
Vee in her silver-fox furs and me in my new mink-lined overcoat that Mr.
Robert had wished on me casual just before we left.
"Cunnin' little town, eh?" says I. "Looks like a birthday cake."
"Or a Christmas card," says Vee. "Look at this old door with the brass
knocker and the green fan-light above. Isn't that Colonial, though?"
"It's an old-timer, all right," says I. "Hello! Here's a place worth
rememberin'--the Woman's Exchange. Now I'll know where to go in case I
should want to swap you off."
For which crack I gets shoved into a snowdrift.
It ain't until afternoon that I'm struck with the fact that neither of
us knows a soul up here. Course, the landlord nods pleasant to me, and
I'd talked to the young room clerk a bit, and the bell-hops had all
smiled friendly, specially them I'd fed quarters to. But by then I was
feelin' sort of folksy, so I begun takin' notice of the other guests and
plannin' who I should get chummy with first.
I drifts over by the fireplace, where two substantial old boys are
toastin' their toes and smokin' their cigars.
"Snappy brand of weather they pass out up here, eh?" I throws off,
pullin' up a rocker.
They turn, sort of surprised, and give me the once-over deliberate,
after which one of them, a gent with juttin' eyebrows, clears his throat
and remarks, "Quite bracing, indeed."
Then he hitches around until I'm well out of view, and says to the
other:
"As I was observing, an immediate readjustment of international trade
balances is inevitable. European bankers are preparing for it. We are
not. Only last month one of the Barings cabled----"
I'll admit my next stab at bein' sociable was kind of feeble. In front
of the desk is a group of three gents, one of 'em not over fifty or so;
but when I edges up close enough to hear what the debate is about, I
finds it has something to do with a scheme for revivin' Italian opera in
Boston, and I backs off so sudden I almost bumps into a hook-beaked old
dame who is waddlin' up to the letter-box.
"Sorry," says I. "I should have honked."
She just glares at me, and if I hadn't side-stepped prompt she might
have sunk that parrot bill into my shoulder.
After that I sidles into a corner where I couldn't be hit from behind,
and tries to dope out the cause of all this hostility. Did they take me
for a German spy or what? Or was this really an old folks' home
masqueradin' as a hotel, with Vee and me breakin' in under false
pretenses?
So far as I could see, the inmates was friendly enough with each other.
The old girls sat around in the office and parlors, chattin' over their
knittin' and crochet. The old boys paired off mostly, though some of
them only read or played solitaire. A few people went out wrapped up in
expensive furs and was loaded into sleighs. The others waved good-by to
'em. But I might have been built out of window-glass. They didn't act
as though I was visible.
"Huh!" thinks I. "I'll bet they take notice of Vee when she comes down."
If I'd put anything up on that proposition I'd owed myself money. They
couldn't see her any more'n they could me. When we went out for another
walk nobody even looked after us. I didn't say anything then, but I kept
thinkin'. And all that evenin' we sat around amongst 'em without bein'
disturbed.
About eight o'clock an orchestra shows up and cuts loose with music in
the ball-room, mostly classic stuff like the "Spring Song" and handfuls
plucked from "Aïda." We slips in and listens. Then the leader gets his
eye on us and turns on a fox-trot.
"Looks like they was waitin' for us to start something," says I.
"Let's."
We'd gone around three or four times when Vee balks. About twenty-five
old ladies, with a sprinklin' of white-whiskered old codgers, had filed
in and was watchin' us solemn and critical from the side-lines. Some was
squintin' disapprovin' through their lorgnettes, and I noticed a few
whisperin' to each other. Vee quits right in the middle of a reverse.
"Do they think we are giving an exhibition?" she pouts.
"Maybe we're breakin' some of the rules and by-laws," says I. "Anyway, I
think we ought to beat it before they call in the high sheriff."
Next day it was just the same. We was out part of the time, indulgin' in
walks and sleigh rides; but nobody seemed to see us, goin' or comin'.
And I begun to get good and sore.
"Nice place, this," says I to Vee, as we trails in to dinner that
evenin'. "Almost as sociable as the Grand Central station."
Vee tries to explain that it's always like this in these exclusive
little all-the-year-round joints where about the same crowd of people
come every season.
"Then you have to be born in the house to be a reg'lar person, I
suppose?" says I.
Well, it's about then I notices this classy young couple who are makin'
their way across the dinin'-room, bein' hailed right and left. And next
thing I know, the young lady gets her eye on Vee, stops to take another
look, then rushes over and gives her the fond clinch from behind.
"Why you dear old Verona!" says she.
"Judith!" gasps Vee, kind of smothery.
"Whatever are you doing up----" And then Judith gets wise to me sittin'
opposite. "Oh!" says she.
Vee blushes and exhibits her left hand.
"It only happened the other night," says she. "This is Mr. Ballard,
Judith. And you?"
"Oh, ages ago--last spring," says Judith. "Bert, come here."
It's a case of old boardin'-school friends who'd lost track of each
other. Quite a stunner, young Mrs. Nixon is, too, and Bert is a good
match for her. The two girls hold quite a reunion, with us men standin'
around lookin' foolish.
"We're living in Springfield, you know," goes on Judith, "where Bert is
helping to build another munition plant. Just ran up to spend the
week-end with Auntie. You've met her, of course?"
"We--we haven't met anyone," says Vee.
"Why, how funny!" exclaims Mrs. Nixon. "Please come over right now."
"My dear," says Auntie, pattin' Vee chummy on the hand, "we have all
been wondering who you two young people were. I knew you must be nice,
but--er---- Come, won't you join us at this table? We'll make just a
splendid little family party. Now do!"
Oh, yes, we did. And after dinner I'll be hanged if we ain't introduced
to almost everybody in the hotel. It's a reg'lar reception, with folks
standin' in line to shake hands with us. The old boy with the eye
awnin's turns out to be an ex-Secretary of the Treasury; an antique with
a patent ear-'phone has been justice of some State Supreme Court; and so
on. Oh, lots of class to 'em. But after I'd been vouched for by someone
they knew they all gives me the hearty grip, offers me cigars, and hopes
I'm enjoyin' my stay.
"And so you are a niece of dear Mrs. Hemmingway?" says old Parrot-Face,
when her turn comes. "Think of that! And this is your husband!" And then
she says how nice it is that some other young people will be up in the
mornin'.
That evenin' Judith gets busy plannin' things to do next day.
"You haven't tried the toboggan chute?" says she. "Why, how absurd!"
Yep, it was a big day, Saturday was. Half a dozen more young folks
drifted in, includin' a couple of Harvard men that Vee knew, a girl
she'd met abroad, and another she'd seen at a house-party. They was all
live wires, too, ready for any sort of fun. And we had all kinds. Maybe
we didn't keep that toboggan slide warm. Say, it's some sport, ain't it?
Anyway, our honeymoon was turnin' out a great success. The Nixons
concluded to stay over a few days, and three or four of the others
found they could too, so we just went on whooping things up.
Next I knew we'd been there a week, and was due to make a jump to
Washington for a few days of sight-seein'.
"I'm afraid that will not be half as nice as this has been," says Vee.
"It couldn't," says I. "It's the reg'lar thing to do, though."
"I hate doing the regular thing," says Vee. "Besides, I'm dying to see
our little studio apartment and get settled in it. Why not--well, just
go home?"
"Vee," says I, "you got more good sense than I have red hair. Let's!"