to say, if you can call him a Star at all, for, with a tail like his, he
is much more like a comet. It is indeed a tail!--so long is it, that you
imagine it must have been originally published in four-and-twenty
numbers, and that they are here all bound up together. And a pretty
thick volume it makes too! DANIEL O'CONNELL'S "tail" must have been a
wisp of straw compared to it. It hangs like a small willow tree--only
instead of being green, it is a dark badger colour, and, in texture,
resembles some of the long brushes we have seen made of Indian grass. It
is as flexible as a party-politician, for it can be turned at will to
any side. What is the use of such a tail it would be difficult to say,
though as far as that goes, you might as well ask what was the use of a
lady's bonnet, for the one is not worn more at the back than the other.
When the Ant-Eater lies down to sleep, he throws this voluminous tail,
like a Scotch plaid, round him, and we have no doubt it keeps him very
warm. So, you see, it is of some use after all; and, for what we know,
as he comes from a very warm climate, the Ant-Eater may use his tail in
the summer to fan himself with. We are told that he is met with in the
plains of the Brazils; but, from his habit of spreading his thick hedge
of a tail all over his body, we should say that he was much oftener
found in the Bush. In fact, it is a complete furs-bush--extending out
nearly to the same length as his body. He is a curious animal, take him
altogether. In shape he reminds you somewhat of a German pig, which is
not the most elegant object a person can meet with on a long day's
journey; only a German pig would be an English greyhound in symmetry by
the side of him. The Ant-Eater is as hairy as a goat, and all along the
ridge of his neck he carries a long frill of hair that stands upright,
short and thick, like a long plate-brush turned upside down. Then the
hair falls down his front legs, taking the form of a pair of black
top-boots. These front legs look at first like hoofs, for the nails, the
length of which any woman of spirit would envy, are turned underneath,
and the noise he makes in walking upon them sounds exactly as if he had
got clogs on. His snout, also, is extremely peculiar, being admirably
adapted, from its length and narrowness, for getting the marrow out of a
marrow-bone. It is longer than any cucumber reared by a penny-a-liner,
only gradually tapering towards the end, in which is enclosed the
tongue, to which it seems to act as a sort of case.
This case is made of bone; and, really, when the tongue issues from it,
it looks like some very fine surgical instrument that had shot out of
its case upon a spring being touched. We hardly know what to compare the
snout to, unless it is a very long and thin strawberry pottle, that some
wicked boys have been tying over his mouth. This strawberry pottle is
his only feature, for his eyes are so small that they are rather eyelet
holes than eyes; but then, in its great bounty it more than balances,
and leaves a large surplus over, for the miserable poverty of his other
features. We know of no other animal that could be so easily led by the
nose. As for his coat, the hair on it takes various colours. You remark
a long stripe of red running by the side of a long stripe of black or
yellow. The colours, on his breast particularly, are as distinct, and
the lines as sharply marked, as the different-coloured grains you see
arranged in a seedsman's window. The poor animal looks remarkably
stupid, but happy. He wanders about his cage in a very inquiring manner,
looking for his blessed ants, whom he cannot find anywhere, and making
with his claws the noise of a French peasant walking in wooden shoes. He
leads a very fashionable life, being up generally all night, and
sleeping all day. There his accomplishments seem to begin and end; for
he does not sing, nor bray, nor bark, nor low, nor whistle, nor make any
noise whatever, except the one with his toe-nails, which must be
particularly disagreeable during the night to the poor Chimpanzee who
lives in the next cage to him. We tried very hard to dive into the
Ant-Eater's thoughts; but, with all our diving, could not bring up any
satisfactory proof whether the beast was aware of the great popularity
he had suddenly rushed into. Like BYRON, we suppose he awoke one
morning, and found himself famous. Let him not be too conceited, for
"Stars" rise and fall at the Zoological just as quickly as at other
places.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "MISSUS HAS SENT SOME NEW-LAID ANTS' EGGS FOR THE
MUMMY-COUGH-AGUE JEWBEATER." [_Myrmecophaga Jubata. Anglice:
Ant-Eater._]
* * * * *
SHAMEFUL DEAFNESS AND DEFECTIVE HEARING.
The late delivery of letters, and the illegal retention of books and
prints by the authorities of the Post Office, have occasioned many
remonstrances to be addressed to those officials, but without effect.
The reason probably will be found in a new proverb, which it has become
necessary to substitute for an old one. Instead of saying Deaf as the
Post, it is now usual to say, Deaf as the Postmaster-General.
* * * * *
PALMAM QUI MERUIT.
It used to be generally supposed that LORD PALMERSTON had sufficient
effrontery and self possession for the entire Cabinet, but circumstances
have shown that he is the most retiring member of the Government.
* * * * *
THE COMING MAN.--Reform BILL.--_Lord John Russell_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: VERY OBLIGING.
_Mary._ "OH! IF YOU PLEASE, THE YOUNG LADIES WANT YOU TO PLAY A POLKA."
_Organ-man._ "AH, MISS! MINE IS A SERIOUS ORGAN; BUT I SHALL PLAY A
PSALM QUICK, IF YOU SHALL LIKE."]
* * * * *
EXPOSTULATION WITH PALMERSTON.
Oh PALMERSTON! why hast thou fled
Precisely when wanted the most?
What could put it into thy head
Just now to abandon thy post?
Why run from the vessel away
That needs thee to weather the storm?
I cannot believe, what they say,
'Tis because thou dislikest Reform.
Resigning, too, suddenly, when
Thou wast doing thy business so well!
In the language of certain young men,
It seems like a regular sell.
Thine office in thus flinging down
At this most particular nick
Of Time, thou resemblest the Clown
In a mischievous Pantomime trick.
But play out the part of buffoon,
And show thyself only in jest;
Return to help old PANTALOON,
And HARLEQUIN JOHN, and the rest.
Return, or the Grand Christmas Piece
Will prove an unlucky affair;
And COLUMBINE help to release,
Now clutched in the grip of the Bear.
Alas! by that Bear hangs a tail,
I fear me, for all we are told,
Which, lifting obscurity's veil,
A very short time will unfold.
Meantime let the Ministers weep,
Of such a supporter bereft,
Until they their handkerchiefs steep,
Crying, "PALMERSTON'S taken and left!"
* * * * *
A BRUSH WANTED.
A spirited young lady, in service in a very genteel family, remarks, "I
should be sorry to reduce English sailors to a menial situation, but I
own I should like to hear that our gallant fellows in the Black Sea had
been scouring the Steppes."
* * * * *
THE FOOTPRINTS OF TIME.--Crow's-feet.
* * * * *
CLERGYMEN IN THE FARCE OF "TURNING THE TABLES."
Table Turning seems to be turning the heads of the parsons, and Spirit
Rapping is likely to give a rap to certain Reverends which they will not
speedily recover from. We confess to some experience in the practise of
Spirit Rapping in connection with Tables, but the spirits employed in
rapping have always been in tumblers of one kind or another. We have
frequently suspected Satanic agency in some portions of our furniture,
particularly in a quantity of cheap stuff which we purchased at a
furniture mart, and which is scarcely worth the rap we have bestowed on
it. We are in possession of a round table which is subject to fits of
groaning and creaking, with an occasional tendency to the splitting of
its sides, as if in very mockery of merriment. We must confess that the
refractory table has been occasionally a good deal put upon.
The Clerical Table Turners seem to imagine that the Satanic agency is
confined to a particular kind of furniture, but our own opinion is, that
we are just as likely to find the "old gentleman" in the chair as in any
other portion of our moveables. We do not see why the presence of the
evil one should be confined to the work of the cabinet-maker or the
carpenter, and indeed there are several articles of hardware which
appear to be liable to visitations from invisible beings. Our own stock
of crockery is undoubtedly exposed to such contingencies, for we now and
then find an amount of breakage which, if our servants are to be
believed, has not been done by any earthly agency.
* * * * *
AN EXEMPLARY ELEPHANT.
The performance of the Elephant that stands upon its head at Astley's is
very seasonable. It represents the Balance of Power, which we wish LORD
ABERDEEN could preserve in Europe as cleverly as the sagacious quadruped
contrives to do on another theatre.
* * * * *
THE HEIGHT OF ABSURDITY.--The height at which in the present day shirt
collars are worn.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE RUSSIAN NAVAL VICTORY.
_Giles (a great politician)._ "HEY! DANG IT! TURKS BE DONE THIS TOIME;
'STEAD O' UM'S TAK'N UM, UM'S TAK'N UM."]
* * * * *
A LIVING SUPERIORITY.--Woman has this great advantage over Man--she
proves her will in her lifetime, whilst Man is obliged to wait till he
is dead.
* * * * *
[Illustration: ABERDEEN ON DUTY.
_A--b--n._ "I SHAN'T INTERFERE TILL THEY CALL MURDER!"]
* * * * *
SURE SYMPTOMS OF CHRISTMAS.
(_By a Surly Old Bachelor._)
[Illustration: P]
Punch,--I know Christmas is coming from certain well-known symptoms that
never fail to present themselves at this time of the year:--
Because my landlady is so extremely civil to me, and brings me my
shaving-water the moment I ring for it.
Because I have not had to complain for two weeks about my boots, and the
coal-scuttle is generally pretty full of coals.
Because the breakfast is laid before I am up, and when I ask for toast
with my tea in the evening, the kitchen fire has not once been out.
Because the impudent news-boy has been much earlier with the newspaper
than usual.
Because, wherever I have called, I haven't had cold meat for dinner for
ever so long--for two weeks at least.
Because I cannot get my bills in from my tradesmen--they smile, and
scrape their feet in their vile sawdust, and murmur something about "any
time will do, Sir," and present me with French plum and bonbon-boxes,
and fancy I have nothing better to do than to lay in a plantation of
Christmas trees.
Because the crossing-sweeper takes his hat off to me every time I pass.
Because the Beadle has been wonderfully profuse with his cocked hat, and
the pew-opener, within the last fortnight, has nearly curtseyed me to
death.
Because, wherever I have called, I have found all the servants smiling
most unnaturally, and bringing me things I didn't want.
Because my little nephews have been so very affectionate to me lately.
Because my little nieces have run up to me, and kissed me in a way that
was more flattering than agreeable, and I have had my great coat and hat
and umbrella and goloshes pulled off me before I have had time to
inquire whether my brother (he is only a clerk) was at home.
Because I have been bothered out of my life with so many inquiries about
that "distressing cough" of mine, and have been recommended so many
wonderful remedies that were sure to cure it,--which remedies, if I had
only taken one half of them, I shouldn't be alive at the present moment.
Because the Waits wake me up at night, paying me the discordant
compliment of playing opposite my window longer than anybody else's.
And because--but I think I have said enough of these symptoms, which
luckily "come but once a year." After all, I don't know--perhaps they
are not so disagreeable, for the attentions one receives at this period
are as flattering to one's vanity as they are conducive to one's
comfort. The worst is, one knows they all spring out of a Christmas
Box--and these boxes, as I have learnt to my cost, are not to be had so
cheaply as bandboxes. The enjoyment would be all the more enjoyable, if
one hadn't to pay so dearly for it. During the Christmas month, my
outgoings invariably exceed my incomings;--otherwise, I like it well
enough, and shouldn't mind if the whole year were composed of nothing
but Christmas months.
* * * * *
A FIT PUNISHMENT.
Our Aldermen are such neglectful conservators of the river Thames, that
we propose they should be compelled to bathe in it regularly once a day,
until some great improvement has been effected in its inodorous
management.
* * * * *
ARCTIC MONOMANIA.
Those who send navigators to discover the North-west Passage remind us
of _Hamlet_, although he described himself as only mad North-north-west.
* * * * *
PHYSIC FOR ALL EUROPE.
Political convulsions will not yield to chloroform--they are to be cured
by reform only.
* * * * *
THE RETORT COURTEOUS.--The Retort that rectifies an error, and does it
in the most refined spirit.
* * * * *
OUR BOTTLE-HOLDER.
So, PALMERSTON'S out! and the cannie Scotch Peer
Whom he cuts, is in haste to be first with the story,
And, to poison our PAM in the popular ear,
Proclaims that for years our old friend's been a Tory.
But _Punch_ is afraid that another Scotch mull
Is marking the course of the friend of ST. NICHOLAS;
For the good MR. BULL is by no means so dull
As not to perceive that the charge is ridiculous.
What! PALMERSTON, Liberty's champion in need,
Who confronted oppressors with England's broad aegis,
And haughtily ordered the despots to read
On its blazon, the duties that Lords owe to Lieges.
Who has fluttered, not pigeons (like us, dear LORD A.,
Who all "pigeon-livered, lack gall" to sustain us)
But Eagles, Spread, Double, Red, Black, White, and Grey,
And cried "kennel!" to Kings with his _Civis Romanus_.
Whose name gives the sign for a chorus of groans,
Where, crowned and anointed things gibber in ermine,
And, where slaves crawl and slaver the footsteps of thrones,
Sends them off to their holes, as the light does night vermin.
It really won't do. To your patron, the CZAR,
When the now forming file of the newspapers comes, he
Will laugh out in scorn with a royal "Ha! ha!
To think ABERDEEN was so helplessly clumsy."
So, call him what you, for about forty years,
_Were_--a Tory--or aught that comes into your noddle,
One only regrets that in these days one hears
Of so very few Tories who're built on his model.
He remembers the service by PALMERSTON done
Since he took the portfolio, but yesterday hawked about;
How, shoulder to wheel, he went through at a run,
The work that all others had dawdled and talked about.
The grind for "six moons" to the wife-beating brute;
The foot on the dens where turf-gamblers would cozen;
The foul furnace throats made to swallow their soot;
The yet fouler charnel yards closed by the dozen.
The lecture your Lordship's Scotch friends would not print,
Who against Sabbath-breaking so tipsily hiccup;
And the scourge he was knotting, by way of a hint
To bid ruffians reflect before taking the stick up.
All this, my dear Lord, in our tablet's enrolled;
And we'd very respectfully say to your Lordship,
That the tales of your organs had better be told
To those worthies, the resident soldiers on board ship.
For all the Scotch Lords who e'er blessed DUKE ARGYLL,
Pouring out all their spleen by the gallon--Scotch measure,
Could not poison JOHN BULL from his jolly frank smile,
When he says, "_Punch_, here's PAM!" and _Punch_ says, "JOHN,
with pleasure."
[_And they drink_ LORD PALMERSTON'S _health_.]
* * * * *
AN EXTREME TEST.
If you wish to ascertain the temper of a young lady, look at her nails,
and the tips of her gloves. If they are jagged and much bitten, you may
be sure she is peevish, irritable, quarrelsome, and too ready to show
her teeth at the smallest provocation. This is an infallible test that
every ill-tempered young lady carries at her finger's-ends. Do not
attempt to kiss such a young lady under the mistletoe.
* * * * *
PROBLEM FOR THE ROYAL INSTITUTION.
Can no chemist tell us how to obtain a solution of the Eastern
difficulty?
* * * * *
HOW TO SEE THE TEETH OF A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY.
Praise her rival before her face, and you may depend upon it, she will
soon show her teeth.
* * * * *
EQUESTRIAN ENTERTAINMENT.--The green-room of Drury Lane, all the time
the horses were there, was turned into a "_Salle a_ Manger."
* * * * *
[Illustration: REFINEMENT ON THE RANK.
_Accomplished Cabman._ "WILLIAM, VOOLY-VOO AQUA?"]
* * * * *
AN AMERICAN JOKE EXPLAINED.
We don't understand American institutions--that's a fact. We don't
understand the American Press; which is one of the greatest of those
institutions. Deficient in the sense of irony, we take the playful
abandonment--the jocose mystification--of the American newspapers as
simple statement. Hence multitudes of dull worthy people among us will
receive the _New York Tribune's_ account of the reception of the runaway
convict, MITCHELL, at New York as a prosaic and authentic narrative of
that event. Had GREENACRE, by some chance, escaped the gallows, they
will be inclined to think, he too would have been hailed with enthusiasm
and acclamation, as an accession to the worth and manhood of American
citizenship. For MITCHELL resembled the other chiefly in the
circumstance of not having been hanged. He was no mere political
non-conformist and unsuccessful opponent of the existing order of
things, vulgarly and technically termed a rebel. He was a traitor in the
vilest sense of the word: a malignant hater of the QUEEN and the
country: the sort of traitor that mediaeval justice contemplated when it
sentenced the criminal so called to be hanged, drawn, and quartered. He
was a sanguinary cruel caitiff; a dogged miscreant who not only preached
pike massacres, but yelled and raved for sulphuric acid, which he would
have had rascals to squirt into soldiers' eyes. Those, therefore, who
are not up to American drollery will naturally be scandalised by the
seemingly sympathetic description, given by the _New York Tribune_, of
the advent of such a fellow amongst the freest and most enlightened
people on earth. Says our facetious contemporary:--
"As the _Prometheus_ came up the river, she was boarded by MESSRS.
MEAGHER and WILLIAM MITCHELL, the brother of the patriot. The
meeting between these friends in sorrow and persecution was
affecting in the extreme. Tears of joy were shed on both sides."
Tears which scalded the cheeks down which they flowed; being vitriolic.
Without this comment--which would have spoiled the gravity of the
burlesque--the _Tribune_ proceeds:
"On nearing the wharf, the news of MR. MITCHELL'S arrival spread
like wildfire, and ships and piers were literally swarming with the
immense throng who crowded to give him a freeman's welcome."
No doubt this is the naked truth. There are, unfortunately, a great many
scoundrels and ruffians in New York who have an ardent admiration for a
fellow scoundrel and ruffian. It is unnecessary that a New York journal
should explain that these vagabonds are not Americans. But that
explanation is requisite for our stolid readers, whom we will presently
tell who the wretches really were. An individual of the noble and
generous American nation would as soon think of hugging a rattle-snake
or a copper-head, as of taking to his bosom the venomous and
vitriol-squirting MITCHELL.
As MR. MITCHELL and his companions proceeded to their
destination--which, notwithstanding the impulsive nature of American
moral feeling, was not the nearest pump--he experienced various honours,
which the waggish reporter of his triumph enumerates with whimsical
exaggeration--particularising "roar of artillery," "dense mass of human
beings," the carriages that bore them, being "followed by the throng,"
his way resembling "the march of a conqueror"--not by any means such a
march as that of a man who is drummed out of his regiment. His friends,
the funny journalist avers, "were almost ready to take him from the
vehicle, and carry him upon their shoulders," and he was "surrounded by
a large number of the citizen-soldiery and NANCHAN'S band." Among these
troops were the "Irish Rifles," whose weapon, of course, is the vitriol
squirt--the "MITCHELL Guard," the "MEAGHER Grenadiers," with "Cabbage
Garden," probably, emblazoned on their colours; and sundry other
regiments and guards, which--it was superfluous to inform the New
Yorkers--were ragged and--black.
Here lies the point of the whole joke. Misled by a parcel of
Uncle-Tom-foolery, we are apt to regard the coloured population of the
States as an oppressed race. They are, indeed, shunned and disliked; but
that is entirely by reason of their incorrigible villainy. They won't
work, but they will squat on an estate, and if compelled to clear off
and make room for industrious whites, they shoot the owner of the
property from behind a hedge. Rescued from starvation consequent on
their unthrift and laziness, they turn and curse the benefactor who
feeds them. Such were they who shouted welcome to MITCHELL; and only
think how secure a people must feel in their republican liberty to
permit a mob of savages to indulge in such a demonstration! This base
and brutal multitude did not contain one American citizen. Their bands
are stated to have played Irish melodies, "Star Spangled Banner,"
"Yankee Doodle," and other national airs. No, no. The ragamuffins hated
the stars as well as the stripes too much; and they no more played
"Yankee Doodle" than MITCHELL sang "Rule Britannia." Their music may
have included Irish melodies; but their other national airs were limited
to the class comprising "Lucy Neal" and "Ole Dan Tucker." They were an
assemblage of odious, miserable, ugly, degraded brutes, connecting links
between mankind and the monkey. There was not a single Anglo-Saxon in
the whole lot. In short, they were all--NIGGERS.
* * * * *
CHARITY FOR CHURCHMEN.
[Illustration: O]
Our friend the BISHOP OF LONDON has published a circular urging his
clergy to exert themselves to recruit the failing finances of the
Society for Promoting the Employment of Additional Curates in Populous
Places. Very good; let all the other bishops issue similar injunctions;
and perhaps they will not forget to point out that a great many
additional curates might be provided for populous places out of the
excess of income enjoyed by pluralists, who are the incumbents of
places, some of which are comparatively uninhabited. Their Lordships
might, by example as well as precept, urge their over-paid clergy to
exert themselves for the required object, by pulling out a large amount
of their superfluous revenues, if they can possibly stand so much
exertion. Perhaps it would be as well to try the effect of this
exhortation on the clergy first, and appeal to the laity, if necessary,
afterwards.
* * * * *
THE REAL REASON.
LORD PALMERSTON has resigned. Speculation is rife as to the cause. We
are in a position to state confidently, that his retirement is owing
neither to the Eastern question, nor the Reform Bill, but to the despair
of the active Home Secretary at the deluge of letters which he has drawn
down by his offer made at Perth to listen to everybody's grievances, and
consider everybody's suggestions--an undertaking which he has found
himself so utterly unable to redeem, that he has determined on
withdrawing altogether from the attempt.
* * * * *
JOKE FOR THE STOCK-EXCHANGE.--Instead of asking "How goes the Enemy?"
for "What's o'Clock?" we now ask, "How goes the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA?"
* * * * *
THE ALDERMAN'S HOPE.
Stand PRINCE ALBERT a Statue--it then mayn't be hard
To induce him to stand, by and by, for a Ward;
There ain't any lor, as I knows on, agin it,
And there's nothing, as I see, preposterous in it.
The wery next year pop him into the Chair,
And have the PRINCE CONSORT himself for LORD MAYOR,
With an out-and-out Show on the ninth of November--
Of the PRINCE OF WALES that, too, 's the birthday, remember.
What a sight!--to behold it all London would trudge--
The RECORDER presenting the PRINCE to the JUDGE,
Relating his history, birth, education.
And how he has always behaved in his station.
His R'y'l Highness to see, his official robes drest in,
A countin' the hobnails--oh how interstin'!
The _Illustrious News_ would set forth the whole story,
With a beautiful cut of the PRINCE in his glory.
Only fancy the feast at Guildhall--'t would be splendid,
And then what if the LADY MAY'RESS condescended
To honour the spread--and to give circulation
To the Loving Cup--kissed to her liege Corporation!
Why there we should witness--whilst we was a-dining--
The Mace and the Sceptre in friendship combining,
Bound together with garlands of laurel and myrtle;
What a comfort to view as we sucked up the turtle!
Because we should hail in that union a token
Of a tie to be never undone, cut, or broken;
And a pledge that, as long as the Crown stands unshaken,
From Reform London City shall save its fat bacon.
[Illustration]
* * * * *
MAN LOVES--WITH A SAVING CLAUSE.
An Old Maid, who confesses to thirty-five, says: "She doesn't
believe--not a bit of it--in the nonsense that men talk about breaking
their hearts! It's her firm belief there never was a man yet who broke
his heart--or if there was, that he broke it as a lobster breaks one of
his claws, another one shooting up very quickly in its place."
* * * * *
THE DEMON OF THE MONEY-MARKET.
Any success gained by the Russians over the Turks causes a fall of the
funds of course; because the CZAR'S invasion of the Principalities is in
fact a mere Bear Speculation.
* * * * *
A NEAT CHRISTMAS BOX.
There is a little book called "What Shall I Do with my Money?" Had not
the author better send a copy of it to the Registrar of the Prerogative
Court of Canterbury?
* * * * *
THE GOOD OLD DRINKING DAYS.--When every Jack had his Gill.
* * * * *
A VOICE FROM THE OMNIBUS-BOX.
"MR. PUNCH SIR,
"Wich it is well known you ain't no friend to 'bus drivers in giniral
but as the friend of umanity our conductor says as ow you may be rote to
on a subjec wich hevery man as works a 'bus on the Kinsinton line ave
somethink to say to. Now the frost as set in its ard lines for our
'osses and nosayin wen youre to get thro a jurney along of that ere
blessed Ide Par Corner ill and the Gore wich it is the artbreakinest bit
o' road anyweres out o' London and osses lyin about this week in all
direckshuns, like the stage at Hashleys arter the battle o Waterloo, and
hinsides as sticks to their places and wont get hout no not to walk a
hinch and the poor 'osses a tearin their arts out wich it goes to a
man's art to use the wip to an oss as is doin its best, and conductors
hup and down like arlekins hevery minit, and city-gents hawful cross and
no wonder tied to time all as one as a 'bus. And all the while there's
that ere byootiful bit o' road through the Park, nice new gravel and no
ills and we mustn't turn out o' the road into the Park no not if our
osses died for it and why not, I'd like to know?
Why acos we're 'bus-drivers and its a buss and the osses is buss osses
and the riders ain't people as keeps their carridges, wich we arnt
haristercratical enuff for the Parks as is public propity and kep up
houter rates and taxes wich who pays them I know well enuff, and keeps
them 'ere parties in the green livries so uncommon snug and pleasant not
to speke o' the crushers. Now wot a city gent as rides reglar with me
says is this 'ere ain't the publick convenience nothink and cruelty to
hanimals wich we drivers is pulled up pretty sharp if we works an 'oss
with a collar-gall, a speedy-cut or anythink like that 'ere and its
forty shillin in no time. I'd a rote this to LORD PALMERSTON wich he
said hanybody was to rite heverythink as was rong to im and e'd see
justice done wich it aint now I know not by a jolly lot but he's out and
so I rites to you instead opin you'll excuse the libberty and speke to
the Guvment leastways SIR WILLIAM MOLESWORTH as is a friend o' the
people wich is well beknown, to ave the Park hopened to public
carridges--that is 'busses, for the cabbies can rite for themselves.
So no more at present from your umbel servant,
JOHN BROAD.
(_Driver No. 3 Ardwick these twelve year and never pulled up
wonst._)
* * * * *
A WASH WANTED BY GOVERNMENT.
Tenders will be received at the Office of the First Lord of the
Treasury, or the Office of the Foreign Secretary, for COSMETICS to
Improve the COMPLEXION of EASTERN AFFAIRS.
By Order of their Lordships,
_Downing Street, 22nd Dec., 1853._ R. E. D. TAPE.
* * * * *
THE GYMNASTICS OF BRIBERY.
The power of lifting a chair depends entirely upon the way in which you
take hold of it: and so it is with a seat in Parliament--perfectly
hopeless to think of picking one up, unless you can command a good
_purchase_.
* * * * *
"WHO'S DAT A-KNOCKING AT DE DOOR?"
ALFRED DE MUSSET'S proverb tells us very positively that "_Il faut
qu'une Porte soit ouverte, ou fermee_". The EMPEROR NICHOLAS seems to be
of the same opinion, and he is now trying with all his might and main,
both on land and water, to have the Porte shut up as quick as he can. We
hope he will only succeed in having the Porte slammed in his face.
* * * * *
A CHILDISH CONUNDRUM FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.
_Q._ Of what wood should a Christmas Tree be composed?
_A._ Of Box, and so make it a Christmas-Box Tree.
* * * * *
CHRISTMAS WAITS--for "The Good Time Coming, Boys,"--only we suppose
that, like us, Christmas must "wait a little longer."
* * * * *
WORDS! WORDS! WORDS!--Long words, like long dresses, frequently hide
something wrong about the understanding.
* * * * *
THE OLDEST NOTE OF INTERROGATION.--A note, asking you if you are engaged
on Christmas Day?
* * * * *
EXPERIENCE.--Women dislike talkative men: _they know how it's done_.
* * * * *
A LAZY HORSE.--The Pegasus of Genius seldom stirs without the spur of
necessity.
* * * * *
[Illustration: TERRIFIC SITUATION!
HEROINE OF DOMESTIC DRAMA PURSUED BY THE UNPRINCIPLED VILLIAN IS ABOUT
TO CAST HERSELF HEADLONG FROM A TREMENDOUS PRECIPICE!]
* * * * *
LIFE AND DEATH ASSURANCE.
Among our Provident Institutions are Life Assurance Societies for
Parents, which are Death Assurance Societies for Children. They are
otherwise called Coffin Clubs. They engage to find the money for the
coffin: the subscriber, father or mother, finds the occupant for it--by
murder.
The Grand Jury at the Liverpool Assizes has expressed its opinion that
the temptation thus afforded should be destroyed by law. That might be
done, perhaps, by prohibiting the club from paying anybody on account of
a death but the undertaker. But what need of such clubs at all?
Such clubs are necessary to protect the poor from being ruined by a
heavy expense. But why the heavy expense? When I have shuffled off this
mortal coil--what does it want, except to be put reverently underground?
Cannot that be done for a very small sum of money? Why is it not done on
reasonable terms? Simply because the mode of doing it is not reasonable.
Its performance is attended with a useless sacrifice of
furniture--necessitated by the tyranny of custom--to show what is
falsely termed "proper respect." Proper respect is affectionate
memory--not furniture.
Should I want "proper respect" to be shown to my leg, if I had the
misfortune to lose it, by having it enclosed in an ornamental box, and
deposited in a subterranean apartment, with a large expenditure in
wages, coach-hire, silk, and crape, and feathers extracted from the tail
of a great bird? If the leg is not to be treated with such "proper
respect," why is the trunk?
The rich show "proper respect" by means of ostrich feathers and such
like. The poor are obliged to follow their lead as far as they can--and
farther. Hence Coffin Clubs--whence infanticide.
Superior Classes, every nail that you drive to show "proper respect," is
an incentive to child-murder.
* * * * *
THEORY AND PRACTICE.
CARDINAL WISEMAN, in his interview with the POPE, promised his Holiness,
that in a few years there would not be a single heretic in England. Of
course this is only "theor-heretically speaking," but we are afraid the
CARDINAL will find the practice quite another thing.
* * * * *
THE HOME OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--A French Crib.
* * * * *
THE WAITS TO THE CZAR.
Word of Peace!--on Earth first spoken nigh two thousand years ago,
Art thou at this moment broken?--and who dares belie thee so?
'Tis a tyrant, cruel, scheming, whose ambition takes the field
In the very name, blaspheming, which that message then revealed.
Frost and snow, keen Christmas weather, and the biting winter wind,
Bid us lovingly together huddle closely, all mankind;
Blood is on the Danube freezing; wounds are agonized with cold,
Only for the sake of pleasing one proud felon uncontrolled.
All good souls are now beseeching blessings on their fellow man,
But one savage, overreaching, brutal despot, thousands ban.
On the field of battle lying, torn and mangled for his whim,
Hear we not the tortured dying call down curses upon him?
Nations now like kindly neighbours should, as round the Yule log, close.
Must we take to guns and sabres? Will the tyrant make us foes?
Hear the wounded writhing under Cossack hoofs and lances then,
Gracious Heaven! and may the thunder of our cannon roar Amen!
* * * * *
ORIGINALITY.
Originality (says GOETHE) provokes originality; and we must say, that at
Billingsgate, and in the House of Commons, the provocation sometimes is
exceedingly strong. The smallest provocation we know of the kind is in
the British drama; in fact so small is it, that we doubt if it amounts
to any provocation at all. We only wish some one would provoke somebody
else to write an original play, by writing one first himself.
* * * * *
THE GOLDEN AGE OF LIFE.--Youth is the season for active exertion; and
all those who emigrate to the Diggings ought to be Minors.
* * * * *
[Illustration: RURAL SIMPLICITY.
_Legal Gentleman._ "HM! NOT A BAD GLASS OF PORT FOR A COUNTRY INN."
_Boots._ "NOA, ZUR, I THINKS THEY MEAKES THUR OWN WINE HERE. I _KNAW_
THEY BREE-EWS."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: IN A VERY BAD WAY.
"WHY, YOU SEEM QUITE WRETCHED, FRANK!"
"WETCHED, MY BOY! AH, YOU MAY IMAGINE HOW WETCHED I AM, WHEN I TELL YOU
I DON'T EVEN CARE HOW MY TWOWSERS ARE MADE!"]
* * * * *
THE CAB QUESTION IN A NEW LIGHT.
Dirty carriage--wretched horse,
Driver insolent and coarse;
Prompt with ruffianly air
To extort a double fare.
If your rights you would maintain,
And to Magistrate complain,
Bullied by a Counsel brought
To abuse you in the Court,
For the dirty business paid
By the union of the trade,
Who can penalties afford
From results of frequent fraud--
Gentle Public, if you'd shun
Fifty nuisances in one,
Write it down on memory's slab,
"Never take a London Cab!"
Gentle Public, come with me,
And another picture see.
Handsome carriage--decent horse--
Driver neither rude nor coarse;
For the same as Cabman's fare,
Prompt to take you anywhere.
If appearance you'd maintain,
There's no reason to complain;
To your door the Clarence brought,
Fit to drive you, e'en to Court.
Gentle Public, tell me why
Don't you patronise a Fly?
* * * * *
CHURCH CANNONS.
A DR. CHURCH has invented some pieces of artillery which load at the
breech; and two of them have been tried at Woolwich with perfect
success. In these days, when ecclesiastical authority is so greatly at a
discount, we are glad to recognise a CHURCH whose cannons are a hit. We
believe that these cannons cost much less than the average of cathedral
dignitaries.
* * * * *
CHRISTMAS PRESENCE.
_Presence of Matter._ In the Court of Common Council.
_Presence of Mind._ In _Punch's Almanack!_
* * * * *
THE HANWELL COOKERY BOOK.
So much progress has been made in that humane treatment of insane
persons, which allows them to follow their ordinary callings and
pursuits, that nearly all the in-door work of many lunatic asylums is
now performed by the patients.
Thus at Hanwell there are lunatic gardeners who keep their parterres and
greenhouses in a most rational state of order and neatness, and we have
not heard that the cracked violinist, to whose music his poor companions
are allowed to dance, is in the habit of mixing up "Pop goes the Weasel"
with the Dead March in Saul, or committing any similar instrumental
vagary, as many might expect. Encouraged by the success of the
gardening, washing, ironing, tailoring, and other experiments, the
Directors of this noble establishment have recently attempted to extend
this employment of the insane to the higher branches of household
economy--including the great mystery of the kitchen.
But insane cookery, to judge of the specimens of the Hanwell _cuisine_
which are now before us, does not seem likely to turn out so well as the
simpler arts to which the presence of the wits does not appear
absolutely indispensable. It is to be feared that the digestions of the
inmates of the asylum might be seriously impaired by such dishes as the
following:--
_Soufflet a la Bombardino._
Take three-quarters of a pound of Dorking lime, two ounces of the best
saltpetre, and a coffee-cup full of tin tacks. Beat well together with a
whisk, bake for seven minutes and a quarter; add a few horse-chestnuts,
a handful of cow's hair, and a gill of lemon juice. If the cook be a
dissenter, or have secretly married the butler, the lemon juice may be
omitted.
_Apoplectic Jelly._
Take four hundred kangaroo's eggs, and when the water is hot simmer
gently, stirring in dandelion leaves one by one: strain all through a
thin deal board, and set it by in a pint basin to cool. This will keep
for any length of time (if DR. CONOLLY is not allowed to look at it),
and will serve as a vegetable for sick people or young children. If not
sweet enough, add some indigo and a pound of steel-filings.
_Oltenitza Pudding._
Take some old Russia duck and shred it in a stew-pan with as much water
as you can pour in without putting the fire out. When the feathers are
loose pluck them out carefully, and mince with forced meat for garnish.
Put in half a tablespoonful of salt, a bunch of chopped straw, and a
little grated pumice-stone, then add the rice. Sweeten to your taste,
dress with your garnish, and serve in a napkin. A few tea-leaves
sprinkled over, will make it look more inviting. If anybody comes into
the kitchen while the stew-pan is on the fire, put it under the table.
_Methuselah Fritters._
Have some castor-oil boiling, slice three large heads of mangel-wurzel,
and put them in your castor-oil till quite crisp. Try them with your
finger. If done enough they will burn you. Add three oysters, a nutmeg,
a teacupful of brown sugar, and a capsicum. If more flavour is wanted,
you may add a tablespoonful of Bath brick. Serve up hot on a gridiron.
If for a second course, tripe may be substituted for the mangel-wurzel,
but oil of vitriol is preferable.
_Croquettes a la Conolly._
Steal a marrow-bone from which the marrow has been taken out, and burn
it till charred. Then scrape it into a butter-boat, with two spring
onions minced, an oyster-shell, and a quarter of a pound of dry glue.
Put up in shapes, and let it stand till it is mouldy. Have some treacle
cold, and when it boils, dip your croquettes in it one after another,
and serve up in the middle of next week. If made with marine glue they
require more care, but will eat all the crisper. The yolks of two
shop-eggs may be added, but this is a matter of taste, and unless the
eggs are very stale they will give your croquettes too nutty a flavour.
Some roll the croquettes in the ashes, but this is not to be
recommended, unless where there are foreigners at table and a man
servant is kept.
* * * * *
SERJEANT ADAMS ON A KNOTTY POINT.
[Illustration]
MR. SERJEANT ADAMS occasionally makes sensible remarks. In the course of
the other day, for instance, alluding to some misrepresentation of his
opinions on the system of flogging, which had got abroad, he is reported
to have said that
"He had for years watched the progress of that system, and had had
ample opportunities of doing so, on account of so many children
tried before him; and he had so frequently found that the
commencement of a child's criminal history was with three days'
imprisonment and a whipping, and after that beginning the child so
constantly came back to this court, that his mind quite revolted
from passing a sentence involving whipping at all."
"Give a young thief a whipping, and have done with him," is a very
common prescription of Common Sense for the cure of juvenile
delinquency. Common Sense, however, sometimes jumps to conclusions which
are not verified. Common Sense uttered predictions concerning gas and
steam, which have not come to pass. And the views of Common Sense
concerning discipline for youthful offenders are perhaps rather too
summary. "Give the young thief a whipping"--very good. The thing is done
with small expenditure of time and material. It does not take many
minutes: it is attended only with a slight wear of whipcord: cost you a
farthing, as MR. PEPYS would have said: and a certain laceration of
human integument, cost you absolutely nothing. You lose nothing whatever
in raw material. Therefore inflict the whipping on the young thief. And
have done with him? Ah! "If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere
well it were done quickly." But it appears that you won't have done with
him. On the contrary, after that beginning, the child constantly comes
back to this court, as ASSISTANT-JUDGE ADAMS says. After all, is it not
manifest even to Common Sense--if Common Sense will exert itself--that
to attempt the reformation of a child--and for what else would you
punish a child?--by whipping him, is really beginning at the wrong end?
The application of the scourge belongs to the operative part--the
surgery--of the treatment of criminals; and operations should be
resorted to only when all other remedies have failed. Primarily, the
whip lacerates the skin; but the laceration is succeeded by hardening of
the part that was lacerated; but not only by that: by the induration,
also, of any amount of heart that the patient may previously have been
endowed with. After such a beginning, no wonder that he comes back to
this court or that. No: the lash is a valuable application, so is lunar
caustic, so is lapis infernalis, or the actual cautery itself. But
reserve it for desperate cases. Resort to it only in those of subjects
that have lost all sensibility to every other appeal. Keep stripes for
the ruffian who savagely maltreats his wife; for the hopeless brute, for
the irreclaimable blackguard. And administer them to him in such a dose
that he will not readily come back to any court to have it repeated. But
a little whipping is a dangerous thing. It degrades and brutalises
without subduing. You must lash a human being like a hound if you want
to conquer him as you would conquer a hound--and it surely would be
rather too severe to carry flagellation to that extent with juvenile
offenders. It is not fair, moreover, to use the rod till you have first
tried the schoolmaster.
* * * * *
VERY UNSEASONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
One of "Our own Correspondents," speaking of the recent disaster at
Sinope, rather startles us with the announcement that
"Turkey for the present is unquestionably worsted."
If this be literally the fact, we only hope our country friends will
postpone their usual hampers until Turkey is itself again.
* * * * *
SEASONABLE INCONSISTENCE.
A jovial young printer of our acquaintance having declared the other
evening that he had left off work, was found under the misletoe a little
later most busily employed in printing kisses.
* * * * *
UNEVENHANDED JUSTICE.
Our old friend, SIR PETER LAURIE, in his recent modest letter to the
_Times_ upon the legal (as well indeed as social, moral, and in
universal) worth and excellence of our Aldermen, marks with a special
note of admiration the gratifying fact, that the number of acquittals
from our City Police Courts falls considerably below the usual
percentage. Recollecting SIR PETER'S old propensity for "putting down,"
we are in some degree prepared to find that such a fact as this should
be a matter of rejoicing with him. SIR PETER clearly holds that the
proof of the trial is in the finding guilty, and he has, doubtless, but
a low opinion of those judicial courts where mercy is allowed to "season
justice." "The rigour of the law" is clearly no unmeaning phrase in SIR
PETER LAURIE'S eyes: indeed, we almost doubt if _Judex damnatur cum
innocens absolvitur_ be not in reality his first legal maxim.
Whatever SIR PETER'S present faults may be, there is no denying that he
has rid himself of an old one. We cannot certainly accuse him of
tenacity of opinion, when he shows himself so evidently prone to
conviction.
* * * * *
CLERICAL TABLE-TURNERS AND SPIRIT-RAPPERS.
[Illustration: C]
Clerical gentlemen are going about the country, giving entertainments,
and making exhibitions of themselves, in connection with table-turning,
spirit-rapping, and other freaks of furniture. The usual places of
amusement, such as the concert-rooms and lecture-theatres are being
occupied by clergymen, who admit the public at fixed prices to hear, but
unfortunately not to see, the wonders on which they expatiate. By way of
EXTRA ATTRACTION FOR THE HOLIDAYS we recommend any one of the Reverend
Mountebanks to go the whole hog, or rather the whole ma-hog-any, by
taking some establishment suited to scenes in the circle, and giving an
entertainment, with a programme something resembling the following:--
THEATRE ROYAL ANYWHERE.
General combination of Table-turning talent. By a happy concurrence of
fortuitous events, the REVEREND SAMPSON SPOONEY, the REVEREND MEALY
MOUTHPIECE, and the REVEREND JABEZ JAWBONE are now in London together
and will have the honour of appearing in conjunction with the
MOST SPLENDID STUD OF HIGHLY-TRAINED TABLES.
For a few evenings, during Christmas, SAMPSON SPOONEY in his rapid act
of horsemanship on the
WILD TABLE OF THE NEW CUT.
This astounding table will dash through an open window, spin round for a
quarter of an hour, and conclude its wonderful performance by leaping
out of the circle, with the REVEREND SAMPSON SPOONEY hanging on to its
castors.
To be followed by the
REVEREND MEALY MOUTHPIECE AS THE COURIER OF EXETER HALL,
On six dining-tables in full gallop, all of which will take an
astounding leap over each other's backs; and conclude by throwing a
succession of somersets over a sideboard.
In the course of the evening, the
REVEREND JABEZ JAWBONE, IN THE HAUTE ECOLE,
will introduce his
FAVORITE AND HIGHLY-TRAINED TABLE "ROSEWOOD,"
which will dance the _Valse a Deux Temps_, go round the circle on three
legs and terminate its graceful evolutions by a marvellous display of
sommersaults.
The entertainments will finish with a pleasing act by MASTERS JAWBONE
and SPOONEY, the celebrated juvenile prodigies, on a pair of
card-tables. The intervals of the performances will be filled up by the
solemn mummeries of the celebrated clerical buffoon, the REVEREND
TIMOTHY TWIST, assisted by a Deathless Clown from Drury Lane, and other
available talent.
* * * * *
"UNE BONNE BOUCHE."--When a young lady says her heart is in her mouth.
(_Hem! Hem!_)
* * * * *
CATCHING PEOPLE'S EYES.
Compassionating the exceeding difficulty to which advertisers seem to be
reduced, at this period of the year (when, as there are, of course, no
Christmas bills coming in, one's wives and children ought to be reminded
to make onslaughts upon the marital and paternal purse), _Mr. Punch_ has
kindly prepared, and hereby places at the disposal of the mercantile
interest, a variety of advertisement headings calculated to attract the
eye. Any person using any of them will enclose samples of his wares
(carriage free, or porterage paid), to No. 85, Fleet Street.
* * *
A THING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOR EVER, an exquisite remark which would
have derived additional force from the fact, if it had ever
happened, that the POET KEATS, on the day he penned it had tasted
the delicious Dairyfed Pork, sold by &c.
* * *
WILL MR. DISRAELI TAKE OFFICE? is a question asked by many, and
answered by many others, according to their political views. But
there would be no question at all, whether, if the article were
placed before him, MR. DISRAELI, whose taste is unrivalled, would
take our Potted Bloaters, price One Shilling, and to be had only,
&c.
* * *
THE RUSSIAN FLEET HAS SUNK in the estimation of Europe since ADMIRAL
BOTCHAMOFF refused to victual it with our pressed Beef. Surely this
will raise the Beef in the regard of all true Britons, who have only
to apply at No. &c.
* * *
LORD JOHN RUSSELL HAS HAD A FIT.--To be sure he has, and you may
have a fit too, if you will have the good sense to clothe yourself,
as his Lordship does, at the establishment of SMOUCH Brothers,
Tailors, &c. &c.
* * *
HUSBANDS! BEAT YOUR WIVES, that is, if you can, in the struggle to
make home happy. You will have the best chance of succeeding, by
presenting them with scrubbing brushes, tooth brushes, nail brushes,
hair brushes, bottle brushes, blacking brushes, bonnet brushes,
paint brushes, and other domestic comforts, from Bristles and Co.,
at &c.
* * *
THE CHURCH IS IN DANGER!--No, not while her Ministers do their duty.
But those who go to church, this weather, are in great danger of
catching severe colds unless they wear Furs, and these can be best
obtained at &c.
* * *
MURDER!--This very objectionable practice will never be persevered
in by any person who will peruse the new and startling Novel of the
"Tinderbox and the Tombstone," now publishing in TRASH'S Weekly
Miscellany, price One Penny.
* * *
YOU DID IT! I SAW YOU.--And seeing you made me do it, and I will
never again omit to do it every Saturday night of my life, Ma'am.
"Do it--do what?" Can you ask? Buy Tallow Candles at DIPPS'S,
Tottenham Court Road, &c.
* * *
THE LOVELY YOUNG LAVINIA ONCE HAD FRIENDS, and would have preserved
them to this day, if, when she had them to dinner she had abstained
from giving them deleterious compounds, which made them drop her
acquaintance, and had caused them to drink the Sparkling Pale Ale,
sold by &c.
* * *
THE TIMES NEWSPAPER HAS STOPPED--Yes, and we hope it will continue
to stop the mouth of many an impudent pretender, especially any one,
should he arise, who should pretend that BUGGINS'S Patent Warming
Pans are not one-third cheaper, two-thirds handier, three-thirds
neater, and four-thirds lighter than any other. To be had at &c.
* * *
YOUR WIFE HAS BOLTED.--She has indeed bolted the front door,
thinking that you are not coming home to-night. But you will return,
and the poor thing will be roused from her first sleep, and have to
come down in the cold to let you in, for as for waking that EMMA,
you might as well try to arouse LORD ABERDEEN to a sense of the
honour of England. Why, then, not save your wife's health by
furnishing your door with one of TUMBLER AND CO.'S Latch Locks? To
be seen in action at &c.
* * *
GREAT FIRE IN THE PALACE.--"And a very good one, too," as Her
Majesty was graciously pleased to remark, desiring H. R. H. the
PRINCE OF WALES to let the poker alone, as with Coals at two pounds
a ton, he must not be extravagant. Matrons of England, learn a
lesson of economy from the first Lady of the Land, and show that you
have done so by ordering your Coals at SLATES AND COMPANY, Whiteash
Wharf.
* * *
THE THAMES IS FROZEN OVER.--When this announcement is made, the next
thing will be that an Ox will be roasted whole on the ice. Without
approving a proceeding which is rather silly and usually a failure,
WOBBLES AND CO. must say, that their Patent Roasting Jacks (price
Eleven and Eightpence) will perform the feat, if any invention can,
and, in the meantime, will roast anything else, from a Plover to a
Pig.
* * *
NEVER GO TO A THEATRE, at least not without one of WINDUM'S Air
Cushions, which afford so luxurious a seat that you will be able to
enjoy most performances, and almost to endure the deathless Clown
without much annoyance.
* * *
MR. HARRISON AINSWORTH is quite well.--This circumstance will
gratify that gentleman's myriad admirers, and their satisfaction
will be complete when they are informed that, not only MR.
AINSWORTH'S masterly works, but those of all other writers of
celebrity, are bound by VELLUM AND TOOLEY, corner of Bobchurch Lane,
upon the most reasonable terms, and with the greatest expedition.
* * *
A CLERGYMAN HUNG, with protracted admiration, over a M.S. of the
eleventh century, found in the Bodleian Library at Oxford, and at
last remarked, "I never saw such beautiful illumination, except,"
added the Reverend Gentleman, with that adherence to truth so
honourably characteristic of the cloth, "except by means of the
Sinefuliginous Percolating Adumbrellant Lamps, which, by the way, I
perceive may now be procured, Wholesale and Retail, of all dealers,
and also at the Manufactory at Walworth."
* * *
A NEW PLAY BY SHAKSPERE, if now produced, would probably be called
"slow" by one writer, "ill-constructed," by a second and as "not in
accordance with the time," by a third. More reverent judges would
say that it contained the true Gold, that there were real Gems in
it, and the Springs of action were seen in perfect working. Any one
who should apply the above unfavourable opinion to BUNK'S Watches
(warranted) would libel those masterpieces, but the terms of
approbation, which we have said would be used towards SHAKSPERE,
exactly characterise the Watches sold by BUNK at &c.
* * *
PALMERSTON HAS TAKEN POISON out of the London Atmosphere, so far as
his admirable Smoke Prevention Act enables his Lordship to do. Eager
to second his Lordship in promoting the purity of the metropolis,
MESSRS. BORAX AND CO. respectfully recommend their White Curdy Soft
Windsor Antigrimeopolis Soap, in packets of One and Sixpence, to be
procured, &c.
* * * * *
A TRUMPET WITH A COLD.
[Illustration]
The Sommerophone is a wonderful instrument, and MR. SOMMER ought to have
the benefit of every publicity for his statement, that a certain defect
remarked in its utterance the other night, during the frost, occurred,
not, as was surmised, from any deficiency of understanding between
himself and it, "but entirely through the severity of the weather,
which," MR. SOMMER adds, "as all musicians well know, has a most
detrimental effect on all brass instruments (particularly such as
mine)." It thus appears that the alleged misunderstanding between MR.
SOMMER and his instrument was a mere coolness on the part of the latter
only. The notes seem to have been partially frozen in; and if, during
the subsequent thaw, any of them came out again, as in a memorable
instance, perhaps MR. SOMMER will state the circumstance. Possibly, as
the Sommerophone had got a cold, it would have completed its solo later
in the evening in question, if its proprietor had given it a basin of
gruel and put it into hot water before going to bed. We have no doubt of
the truth of that gentleman's assertion as regards most brass
instruments; but he is mistaken in extending it to all. It has not been
observed in the House of Commons that cold weather particularly affects
the tone of the POPE'S Brass Band.
We knew that vocalists were liable to colds, and other contingencies of
climate; but this is the first time we ever heard of a musical
instrument being subject to fits of indisposition. If apologies are
henceforth to be accepted for trumpets, ophecleides, and other brazen
instruments, as well as for tenors and sopranos, we shall be constantly
troubled with excuses on behalf of some capricious trombone seized
suddenly with an affection of the windpipe, and, in the trombone, the
pipe through which the wind is conveyed is of a somewhat delicate
texture. The Professor threatens that his next performance shall be
accompanied by a full orchestra; but if it should happen that all the
brazen instruments are suffering from bronchial or any other affection
of their tubes, the result will be far from agreeable.
* * * * *
FIFTY THOUSAND CURES
Of drowsiness, dejection, dolour, dulness, depression, ennui,
ill-humour, indigestion (mental) from political or other reading, loss
of temper, low spirits, melancholy, moroseness, mental anxiety (as, for
instance, on a railway journey), sulks, stupefaction (by a debate in
Common Council), sleepiness, spleen, general used-upishness, and many
other complaints, have already been effected by the use of _Punch's
Almanack_, which is Sold by Everybody, and bought by the rest. The
infant may take it as well as the adult, as it is warranted free from
all impurity, and contains nothing hurtful to the weakest mental
stomach.
* * * * *
ANYTHING BUT AN ALDERMAN'S MOTTO.--"Dinner forget."
* * * * *
[Illustration: A HINT TO THE ELEPHANTINE PROFESSOR AT ASTLEY'S.]
* * * * *
CHRISTMAS WAITS EXTRAORDINARY.
(_From our own Reporter._)
There are some remarkable additions to the usual Waits this year, which
the papers have uniformly neglected to notice. As Corrector-General of
the Press, it devolves on _Mr. Punch_ of course to supply the omission.
Half a moment's reflection will, he thinks, convince any of his readers
who would be styled "intelligent," that--
There's the EARL OF ABERDEEN Waiting--for the protracted war which will
result most probably from his protracted peace policy.
There are the Rotten Boroughs Waiting--for the expected Reform Bill
which is to put them in good odour.
There are the Inhabitants of London (and twenty miles about it)
Waiting--for the extinction of that truly burning shame, the City
Coal-Tax.
There are the Keepers of the Betting-shops Waiting--to evade the recent
Act which apparently has shut them up.
There are the Women of England Waiting--for a law that will
_effectually_ protect them against brutal assaults.
There are the English Tourists Waiting--for hotels where they may enter
without being let in.
There's many an English Operative Waiting--to find that his strike is in
the end a heavy blow to him.
There's many an English Curate Waiting--to find that his income will
exceed a London footman's.
There are the Readers at the Museum Waiting--for the end of the world,
or that of the catalogue.
There's the Corporation of London Waiting--to be crushed by the
Commission which is now sitting on them.
There's the Emperor of Russia Waiting--for the spring which will enable
him to jump into Turkey.
And finally, there's _Mr. Punch_ himself Waiting--very pleasantly on The
Universe with his Twenty-fifth Volume.
* * * * *
WHAT IS THE WORLD LIKE?--Why, the world is like a stubble-field--in
which the greatest geese generally pick up most of the golden grains.
* * * * *
MISSISSIPPI BREAKING HER BONDS.
Bind the woolly-haired slave, tarred with Nature's own brush,
With base manacles load him; with vile shackles crush,
He has no right to kick off his fetters, not he,
But Bonds didn't ought to encumber the Free!
Let Europe's old monarchies labour and groan
Beneath the hard burden and weight of a Loan!
To be sure, though, Spain _has_ had the courage to get
The directest way out of the irons of debt.
Cut 'em through--that's the plan--as you'd sever a stick--
It don't take but one stroke, and 'tis done smooth and slick;
Hurl the bits off to fly on the wild winds afar!
Unless you keep one just to light a cigar.
For they are but paper--is paper to bind
The young Eagle to Earth, when to soar he's a mind?
He will snap the weak chain the first instant he springs
With the sun in his eye and the steam in his wings.
Loss of credit! what's that to the souls who rely
On themselves, and the hiss of the world can defy?
What is debt? Don't the talented EMERSON say
We have got other debts, besides money, to pay?
We reckon those other debts due first to fall,
The cash debt's the one which we'll pay last of all;
That's the genuine rule by which true Genius goes
In settling the endless account which it owes.
From the glorious fact, that our bonds we have bust,
Let mankind learn the lesson of thorough self-trust,
Though our sister States credit may cease to obtain,
And no mortal will trust Mississippi again!
* * * * *
A THOUGHT PICKED OUT OF THE COAL-SCUTTLE.--Vices are like coals--the
more they are screened, the more the larger ones show.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE MINISTERIAL SPLIT.
_Palmerston._ "I'LL JUST FRIGHTEN THEM A LITTLE."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: Index]
* * * * *
Abode of Bliss (An), 113
Affair with the (Knightsbridge) Caffres (An), 154
Age of Compliments (The), 138
Agricultural Bruisers, 245
Agricultural Inquisition, 207
Alarming Accident, 137
Alarming Discovery (An), 218
Alarming Railway Accident, 95
Albert Statue Movement (The), 212
Alderman's Hope (The), 263
All my Eye and Beate Martin, 131
American Joke Explained (An), 262
Another and Another Still Succeeds, 148
Another Ghost, 145
Another Insult to Ireland, 37, 152
Another Insult from the Saxon, 124
Another Irish Grievance, 12
Another Money Question, 153
Another Rupture with France, 12
Albany for the Million (An), 223
Aristocracy and its Antipodes, 198
Arms of England (The), 178
Australian Clipper (An), 113
Autocrat's Anthem (An), 233
Bad Beer with a Good Name, 54
Bar and the Liberty of Conscience (The), 224
Barristers of England (The), 215
Battle of Spithead (The), 73
Best Christian (The), 108
Betting House Deputation (The), 62
Big Brother of Mercy (A), 30
Bishop in Distress (A), 107
Bishop on "Things Solid" (A), 206
Bones of Paganini (The), 143
Bore at the British Museum, 19
Bounce of a Pistol (The), 83
Breaking-up Day, 89
Bricks, 43
Bright City (A), 227
Britannia's Safety Belt, 176
British Consulate at Boulogne (The), 101
British Obsequies in Spain, 93
British Reasons for Boulogne Address, 136
Bully Bottom, 165
Burglary and Bronchitis Prevented, 192
Cabman, and his Good and Evil Report, 54
Cabman and his Pint of Stout (A Fable), 60
Cabman's Best Friend (The), 40
Cabman's Protest against the Hinjustice of the Hact (A), 70
Cab Question in a New Light (The), 265
Calico Calembourg (A), 221
Canvas Towns, 3
Carol on Caroline Chisholm (A), 71
Carving his Way to Iniquity, 42
Case of Clean Hands (A), 151
Catching People's Eyes, 267
Chagrin for Old Commodores, 29
Character in a Blue-bag, 4
Charity for Churchmen, 262
Chaunt (A), 113
Chaunt for the Choused (A), 183
Cheap Lightning Postage, 207
Chelsea Ghost (The), 115, 134
China and Back in no Time, 108
Choking in the Army, 13
Christmas Waits Extraordinary, 268
City coaxing the Crown (The), 197
City Inquisition (The), 216
City without Smoke (A), 124
Civic Simplicity, 147
Civil Cabman's Sauce (A), 81
Civil (very civil) War at Chobham, 3
Claims of Scotland (The), 186
Classicalities of the Coinage, 125
Clergymen in the Farce of "Turning the Tables", 256
Clerical Table-Turners and Spirit-Rappers, 258
Clever Clown Nuisance (The), 222
Close Contrivance at Winchester (A), 197
Cloth and the Plush (The), 123
Clowns of the New School, 213
Coagulated Horde (A), 53
Cobden on Evil Spirits, 214
Coming Struggle (The), 174
Confounded Bully (A), 251
Consultation "in articulo", 115
Cool Dog (A), 53
Corporation Table Talk, 246
Cotton Afloat, 118
Courtesy and Controversy, 215
Crown of Hungary (The), 142
Crown of St. Stephen (The), 147
Cruel King Coal, 202
Cruel treatment of the Poor and Lowly, 195
Crystal Nunneries, 3
Cure for a Cut, 77
Cure for Smoky Children, 217
Cure for the Conscience-Money Mania, 50
Curiosities of the Cattle Show, 247
Curious association of Ideas, 214
Danubian Homicide, 221
Daughter of the Camp (A), 27
Dear Entertainment for Dear Creatures, 133
Debate on the Hudson Question, 254
Decimal Coinage, 101
Demon of the Cupboard (The), 206
Determined Duellist (A), 32
Did you Ever? 171
Diddlesex Sessions (The), 222
Dignity of Trade (The), 223
Disappointed Director, a Fable (The), 121
Discounter's Dirge (The), 40
Disraeli's Coat and Badge, 125
Dolours of St. Dunstan's, 187
Domestic Results of the Camp, 20
Done Brown Again, 215
Donkey and a Mayor (A), 232
Doom of Westminster Bridge (The), 79
Dr. Cantwell's Income-Tax made Easy, 188
Drat the Eastern Question, 177
Dream of a Bagpipe (The), 158
Dye of Guilt (The), 188
Eagles at a Discount, 173
Earl King (The), 31
Ecclesiastical Auction Mart (The), 29
Editorial Candour, 136
Elections with Accompaniments, 21
Emperor at Boulogne (The), 151
Enemy (The), 91
English Hippopotamus to the French Ditto (The), 116
Enterprising Undertakers, 17
El Verdadero Descubrimiento D'Iximaya, 81
Etruscan Pattern (The), 162
Every Convict his own Chesterfield, 194
Evil Eyesight, 114
Exchange Chimes (The), 236
Exit Brooke--Enter Barry, 176
Expense of Making a Baron (The), 241
Facts for Cockney Naturalists, 246
Fallacy of Externals (The), 178
Farewell to the Camp, 92
Fashion and Influenza, 238
Fashionable Epidemic (The), 79
Fashionable Zoological Star (The), 255
"Fast" Literature, 144
Fast Men of Edinburgh (The), 192
Fat of the Land and Lambeth, 136
Festivities in Southwark, 162
Fighting Frewen and Sober Shelley, 90
Fine Old English Innkeeper (The), 177
Flourishing Business (A), 20
Flowers of the Towzery Plant, 104
Flushing a Sewer (A Citizen's Dream), 208
Fortune Tellers for Nations, 187
Freebooter of the Castle (The), 151
French Feast of the Poets (A), 201
French "Fusion" (The), 233
French Ties and Dynas-ties, 136
Friends of Cabmanity, 59
Fumigation of the Thames, 91
Further particulars, 157
Fusion of the Beerbung Cousins (The), 237
Game in the East (The), 50
Gare la Garotte, 253
Gardens without a Waterpot, 9
God Hymen to the Demi-God Punch (The), 193
God of Russia (The), 211
God of the Russians (The), 176
Gold Found in England, 33
Good Hater of Blue Stockings (A), 253
Goose Club (The), 186
Grand Dramatic Apres Dejeuner, 157
Grand Scena from Oberon, 154
Great and Little Sportsmen, 108
Great Anchovy Case (A), 221
Great Cab Reform (The), 17
Great Catches, 101
Great Chobham Campaign, 47
Great Cure and Small Pay, 114
"Great Globe Itself" (The), 124
Great Indian Fact (The), 7
Great Jew Meeting, 48
Growl from the Scottish Lion (A), 63
Guillotine in China (The), 114
Hanover in Bronze, 195
Hanwell Cookery Book (The), 265
Hard Dealing with a Hawker, 254
Hardest of all Swearing (The), 4
Ha'porths of Philosophy, 151
Hat-Moving Trick (The), 34
Help to Jewish Emancipation (A), 22
Heroes of a Hundred Showers, 47
High Mettled Razor (The), 203
Hint from the Gallery (A), 10
Hint to Belgravia, Tyburnia, &c. (A), 92
Hint to Railway Rogues, 117
Hints for a New Edition of the Dramatists, 43
Hit at Two Houses (A), 82
Homoeopathy Superseded, 83
Hotel and Travelling Expenses, 171
House of Fame (The), 106
How Are we off for Soap?, 164
How Britannia Salutes her Babies, 174
How Ephraim Smug spoke against Police at the Vestry, and didn't persuade
People, 166
How Europe may be Saved, 201
How to Pay your Taxes, 147
How to See the Teeth of a Beautiful Young Lady, 261
How to Write the Biography of a Woman, 118
Howl from the Hippopotamus (A), 168
Imaginary Conversation, 214
Imaginary Playbill, 84
Impertinence of Science (The), 155
Important Meeting of Smoke-Makers, 80
Important Note and Query (An), 235
Improvements of London _v._ the Improvements of Paris, 166
In East and North, 196
Infallible Bubbles, 138
Infection Glebe, 176
Infinitesimal Logic, 22
Injudicious Patriot (An), 243
Inn-Fluenza (The), 161
Innkeeper Rhymer (The), 211
Inquisition at Malta (The), 92
Inspection of Cavalry by General Punch, 18
Institution of Our Spectre of Chelsea (The), 131
Iron Bars of Music, 126
James's Powder and his Squib, 183
Joke at the Public Expense (A), 37
Joke of the Session (The), 23
Joke that must be Felt (A), 136
Jolly Old Waterman (The), 49
Judges' Chambers (The), 201
Justice for London, 207
Justice to Scotland, 205
Kenilworth Church and Kenilworth Castle, 67
Kensington Bus-men (The), 52
Key to a Difficulty (A), 38
Key to the Russian Question (The), 17
King Cholera's Procession, 133
King Leopold Reports Progress, 211
King of the City (The), 205
Lament of the Portsmouth Slopseller (The), 51
Landlords' Meeting (The), 144
Larvae of the City of London, 167
Last Proclamation (The), 207
Last of the Paupers (The), 47
Lares and Penates for the Pothouse, 172
Law on its Last Legs, 23
Lawyers Abroad (The), 123
Le Grand Opera Enrhume, 143
Leading Articles for Old Ladies, 102
Left-off Clothes for the Colonies, 227
Legal Curiosity, 247
Letter and an Answer (A), 197
Letters from the Bosphorus, 187
Libel on the Prince of Wales, 172
Life and Death Assurance, 264
Likely Joke (A), 33
Lines on the Burial of a Protestant in Spain, 123
Lion Rampant Mad, 106
List of Indexes (A), 8
Literature at Low Water Mark, 185
Literary Millionaire (A), 168
Little Money Question (A), 142
Lord Mayor's Show for 1853 (The), 157
Lord Sidnee's Show, 204
Louis Napoleon at Boulogne, 115
Lover's Farewell to Pale Ale (The), 185
Love's Labour Lost at Limerick, 63
Lundy Foot Linguist (A), 164
Mad Cabman's Fare of Sixpence (The), 47
Mahogany Possessed, 152
Manchester School of Poetry (The), 241
Market and Trade Report, 42
Marriage in "Mediocre" Life, 181
Martin in Jack's Gown, 49
Meat for Mawworms, 8
Meeting of the Rabbits, 164
Middlesex Ballad (A), 228
Milestone Treadmill (The), 72
Military Intelligence, 39
Milky Way in Lancashire (The), 194
Mississippi breaking her Bonds, 268
Model Railway Meeting, 226
Modern Mythology, 155
Money-Market for Infant Minds (The), 104
Mornington's Challenge, 39
Moustache and Beard Movement (The), 226
Mr. Peterloo Brown's Examination of the Oxford Statutes, 68, 77
Mr. Punch in China, 117
Mr. Punch in Dublin, 1
Mrs. Jane Gimlet to Mrs. Judith Punch, 202, 234, 254
Mrs. Magnall's Historical Questions, 10
Music, Malt, and Hops, 187
Music-Seller's Opinion of France (A), 171
Musical Pump (A),123
Muff Dropped (A), 244
NAVAL Intelligence, 182
Neglected Scotland, 253
Nesselrode Pudding, 215
Neutrality in Plush, 133
New American Movement, 107
New Cab Act (The), 28, 53
New Chapter in the Romance of King Arthur (A), 58
New Department of Flunkeyism (A), 138
New Lactometer (A), 90
New Turn in the Temperance Movement (A), 2
New Zodiacal Light (A), 122
News from the Theatre of War, 228
Nicholas's Dream, 247
Noble Conduct of Cobden and Bright, 195
Nuisance (A), 121
Nuts for Notes and Queries, 38
OBITUARY a Little in Advance, 232
Obstructing the Pavement, 143
Ocean Melodies,121
Old Flag (The), 164
Old Lamp and a New One (An), 251
Oldest Chancery Suit in the World (The), 33
Omnibusian Song (An), 118
Opinions of our Contemporaries, 134
Originality, 264
Organ Boy's Appeal (The), 141
Our Ancient Nicholas, 38
Our Beautiful Fashions of the Present Day, 145
Our Bottle Holder, 261
Our City Article, 155
Our Honeymoon, 8, 11, 31, 41, &c.
Our Meteorological Report, 29
Our Muddy Metropolis, 53
Our Quarter's Account, 21
Our Rupture with Russia, 14
Our Shabby Contemporaries, 147
Our Tourist in Paris, 94, 105, 122, 126, &c.
Our Young Lady at Spithead, 79
PALMERSTON'S Notices to Correspondents, 203
Palmerston Perplexed, 247
Papa to his Heir, 23
Parliamentary Bulletin, 74
Parochial Mudlarks, 153
Parsons and Doctors, 173
Parson's Parliament (The), 154
Passports improved, 73
Pat's Welcome to the Reaping-Machine, 127
Paying Culprits through the Nose, 194
Paying Shot before Battle, 205
Pax Vobiscum, 43
Peace Spectacle in Scotland (The), 163
Peaceful Solicitor (A), 187
Pebbles picked up at the Sea-side, 132
Pedestrianism at St. Stephen's, 42
Pedestrianism very Extraordinary, 93
Penal Dancing for the Protection of Women, 236
Perspicuity of Red Tape (The), 223
Perversion of a Clergyman, 121
Petition from the Medical Profession, 60
Philosophy Teaching by Conumdrums, 43
Photographic Glimpses of the Moon, 173
Phrenological Organ Music, 253
Pius Pinguis, 181
Plague within our Gates (The), 146
Plain Fare at the Palace, 218
Plan of Simplification (A), 245
Plato, Gog and Magog, 183
Plato's Republic Perfect, 201
Playhouse Pegs, 193
Ploughboy's Doom, 102
Poetry for the Peace Conference, 173
Poisonous Puffs, 39
Potman and the Praetor (The), 37
Poor Shakspere, 112
Pope's Post Obit (The), 137
Popular Laurie Ballad (The), 67
Post Office London Directory (The), 213
Postal Economy at Glasgow, 217
Price of a Lord Mayor's Gown, 222
Pride of England (The), 191
Prince, Pigs, and Parasites, 248
Prince Punch to Prince Albert, 216
Prison Disciplinarians, 141
Prophets in the Parlour, 252
Proposals for a New Art of Puffing, 251
"Provided Always", 2
Public's Address to his Cabman (The), 44
Punch at a Royal Christening, 13
Punch and his Pippins, 253
Punch the only recognised Promoter of Literature, 197
Punch's Potato Prophecy, 125
QUEEN Christina in England, 118
Questionable Advertisements, 158
RAILWAY Dog (A), 173
Random Records of a Run through certain Continental Countries, 161
Reading the (Dramatic) Stars, 231
Real Reason (The), 262
Real Scottish Grievance (A), 225
Real Smoke Nuisance (The), 62
Re-christening of the Bosphorus (The), 27
Recovery from the Cabman's Strike, 59
Regular Nuisance (A), 198
Remarkable Self-Sacrifice, 113
Remarkable Tribute of Siderial Approbation, 221
Resource for Young Ladies,
Return to Duty (The), 64
"Revenons a nos Moutons", 205
Review of the Medical Line, 112
Roses of Sharon for Australia, 53
Royal Exchange Clock (The), 228
Royal Lunch Prevented (A), 174
Rural Self-Denial Clubs, 184
Russian Impudence, 84
Russian "Mouches" in Parliament, 163
Russian Reasons, 19
Russian Revolutionists, 231
SABBATARIAN Meeting at Glasgow, 82
Saint Cabbie!, 112
"Salad for the Solitary", 223
Sapphics of the Cabstand, 42
Scenes at the Judges' Chambers, 235
Scotch Peerage in Peril (The), 237
Scotland Humiliated, 244
Seamstress that won't Starve (A), 14
Serjeant Adams on a Knotty Point, 266
Shall Ladies have Votes?, 224
Shameful Intimidation of an Old Gentleman, 144
Shaving by Machinery, 185
She will be a Martyr, 183
Sheriff's Dinners at Newgate (The), 201
Shocking Language, 67
Shocking Low Church, 234
Shoe Lane Raleigh (A), 112
Short and Saponaceous, 134
Shortcoming in the City, 242
Soldier's Dream (The), 11
Signs made Symbols, 148
Signs of the Times, 153
Sing a Song of Sixpence, 84
Singing-Boys minus Sevenpence at St. Paul's, 184
Something in a Sign, 165
Something outrageous, 227
Song of the City Remembrancer (The), 227
Song of the Transplanted Shamrock, 131
Song--Ripeforajail, 69
Songs of the Geological Society, 214
Songs of the Mendicants, 48, 77
St. Cecilia and St. Helen, 238
St. Cross Stingo, 224
St. Luke's and St. Stephen's, 61
Special Review of the Fleet, 74
Spirited conduct of Mr. Charles Kean, 44
Spiritual Manifestations, 13
Sporting at Windsor, 196
Sporting Regiment (A), 181
Stanzas to Erin, 18
Statue to Albert (A), 245
Strike of the Wives of England, 60
Striking Circumstances, 67
Summer Promotions, 116
"Sure Derbyites", 21
Sure Symptoms of Christmas, 261
TABLE-TURNING and True Piety, 243
Tailor Assassin (The), 64
Taken for Granted, 227
Talleyrandism (A), 235
Tap on a Tub (A), 241
Tasking a Bishop's Face, 248
Tavern Experience, 131
Tea-Table Talk, 10
Tea-total Movement (The), 62
That Very Small (Political) Party, 143
Theatrical Novelties, 224
Thoughts on the Savage Lions of London, 38
Tight Blockade (The), 181
To Correspondents, 111
To Fight or not to Fight, 171
To Professor Faraday, 22
To the Noble Airl, 162
Trap to catch a Mooncalf (A), 132
Tremendous Effects of a Kiss, 153
Tricks, but not Honours, 231
Trouser Mind (The), 251
Trumpet of Battle (The), 158
Trumpet with a Cold (A), 266
Turtle Benevolent Association (The), 242
Two Portraits of the Czar, 206
UNPROTECTED Female in Want of a Cab (The), 57
Unevenhanded Justice, 266
"Upholsterer to the Monument" (The), 223
VEGETARIANS in the North, 73
Very Good of the Pope, 163
Vested Right, 137
Visit of the Thames and Medway to the Royal Commissioners, 235
"Vow of Poverty" (The), 176
WAITS to the Czar (The), 264
Walker, 113
Wanted, a Nobleman!, 61
Warning to Vegetarians (A), 113
Wash Wanted (A), 263
Waste of Sympathy (A), 49
"We never Sell Our Appointments", 93
What can the Police be About?, 50
What I Saw, Heard, and Thought, at Chobham, 32
What is a Cabman's Mile, 32, 69
What is Man? 201
What is the House of Keys? 34
What you may Hear in a Bell, 91
Where are the Russians? 218
Whiskey above Proof, 70
Whisper in the Ear of Nicholas (A), 77
Who sends all the Conscience-Money? 77
Whys for the Wise, 203
Wild Flowers from Canada, 33
Winchester Soup, 184
Witness on an Election Committee (A), 7
Woman's Elevation League (The), 52
Women's Rights--Men's Noses, 192
Wonders of the Deep, 67
"Woodman! Spare that Joke", 163
Words of Peace, 168
Words! words! words! 263
YACHT Signals, 183
[Illustration: END OF VOL XXV.]
End of Project Gutenberg's Punch - Volume 25 (Jul-Dec 1853), by Various