Never trod on the old fellow's corns;
Chose his pictures and statue--commodities
Wherein his own blunders he mourns.
And if you're a leetle more German
In these than I'd have you--what is't
Beyond what a critic may term an
Educational bias or twist?
On the summer-house walls, in your garden,
Of R.A.'s., fresco-painters you've made;
A demand which some of them won't pardon
Since good drawing's required for the trade.
You've roused to new life the Society
Of Arts, which had grown mighty flat;
And the Army to you, with propriety,
Attributes the famed ALBERT hat.
When the zeal for the Great Exhibition
Down to zero seemed likely to drop,
Mayors Provincial, at your requisition,
Of a sudden showed souls above shop.
Inspired up they went, like sky-rockets,
At the call of a Patriot Prince--
Nay, more, put their hands in their pockets
To a tune ne'er before known--nor since.
Foundation stones, past calculation,
Workmanlike, you have laid, true and square
And a curiously dinner-rid nation
Has still found you a saint in the chair.
Goodness knows what ineffable dinners,
What drinks deleterious you've borne,
What prosing from long-winded sinners
You've endured with a patience unworn!
You have never pressed forward unbidden;
When called on you've never shown shame
Not paraded, nor prudishly hidden
Your person, your purse, or your name;
You've lent no man occasion to call you
Intruder, intriguer, or tool;
Even I've not had often to haul you
O'er the coals, or to take you to school.
All this, my dear PRINCE, gives me boldness--
Which, _au reste_, our positions allow--
For a hint (which you'll not charge to coldness,
After all I have written just now):
Which is to put down certain flunkies,
Who by flatt'ry your favour would earn,
Pelting praise at your head, as at monkeys
Tars throw stones--to get nuts in return.
My LORD MAYOR may beplaster his liveries
With velvet and gingerbread gold;
Though all, what he'd perhaps call "diskiveries,"
Are bursting from every fold:
He may perch up a JUSTICE from Astley's
Atop of a property car,
Not less fit for the day, or less ghastly's
Her rouge, than frauds corporate are.
He may summon his friends to swill turtle,
And gulp ven'son, like pigs in a stye;--
Line the Mansion House staircase with myrtle
And laurel--the Sphynx can tell why;--
He may bow to the Bench of Exchequer,
Have Ministers sit at his board;--
Civic barges no farther from wreck are,
GOG and MAGOG no less shall be floored.
The hands that prepare your ovation,
My dear PRINCE, ought at least to be clean;
Not the hands of a doomed Corporation,
Fouled with all that is venal and mean:
There's the smut of the poor man's coals there,
Whereof tithe they've unrighteously taken;
There's the flour of the poor man's rolls there,
And the grease of the poor man's bacon.
Then silence your civic applauders,
Lest better men cease from applause
He who tribute accepts of marauders,
Is held to be pledged to their cause.
Let no Corporate magnates of London
An honour presume to award:
Their own needs, till ill-doings be undone,
Little honour to spare can afford!
* * * * *
POSTAL ECONOMY AT GLASGOW.
Scotchmen are famous for their economical disposition. Here is a
remarkable instance of Scotch economy:--
"LETTER CARRIERS--AN APPEAL.
"_To the Editor of the Glasgow Herald._
"DEAR SIR,--We feel, with you, indignant at the scurvy treatment we
have received at the hands of the London authorities, in reference
to our Post Office, and think we ought to take the matter in the
meantime in our own hands, so far as concerns the _Carriers_.
"We all confess they are badly paid, and a highly deserving class of
public servants. We therefore propose to all the merchants in this
district to co-operate with us and form a committee, to give a
practical expression to our feelings for the men, by raising a fund
to give them at least 4_s._ per week extra to their present low
salaries, and a suit of comfortable uniform.
"We calculate that a very small weekly sum from a tenth part of the
merchants here would place the men for one year in a comfortable
position, and be the means more fully of calling public attention
and indignation to the subject.
"If the above scheme succeeds in this district, it might be extended
to others.
"We shall be glad to receive communications on this proposal, and
shall consider ourselves richly paid for any trouble we have taken
in the matter, if it be the means of placing the _Letter Carriers_
in comparative comfort.
"We are, dear Sir, yours very truly,
"WILSON & MATHESON, 58, Candleriggs."
It is much cheaper for a merchant to contribute a small weekly sum
towards giving his letter carrier a proper salary, than it is to be out
of pocket through having letters of importance, some containing
remittances, mislaid or stolen, because the man is not paid enough to
induce a competent and honest person to undertake the situation.
This example of Scotch prudence, therefore, is one that deserves to be
followed by the generous commercial public, indeed by the public at
large, of England: if HER MAJESTY'S upper servants at Downing Street
cannot be induced to allot a fair proportion of wages to HER MAJESTY'S
under servants in connexion with St. Martin's-le-Grand.
But it would really be almost a saving if the Government were to give
the postmen a reasonable hire. When MERCURY the messenger turns MERCURY
the thief, and, tempted by want, steals half-a-sovereign, marked by MR.
SCULTHORPE, out of the letter he is intrusted with, getting himself, by
that act, into the dock at the Assizes, and thence into penal servitude,
he costs the country, from first to last, more than would have sufficed
to maintain several honest MERCURIES during the same time in blue and
scarlet and respectability.
That the proposal, alike judicious and handsome, for making up for
Government's stinginess to the letter carriers by private liberality,
should have emanated from MESSRS. WILSON AND MATHESON of Glasgow, is a
fact that adds a feather to the cap of Scotland, and if acted upon by
their countrymen, will render it impossible any longer to withhold the
position on the Royal Standard, which is claimed by that sagacious and
noble animal the Scottish Lion.
* * * * *
THE POST-OFFICE DIRECTORY.
The companion volume to the above elegant publication is the "_Almanach
des 25,000 Addresses_," published at Paris. We do not know who is the
Editor of that interesting volume, in which may be found some of the
greatest names in French literature and science, but we should say that
no one would be better qualified for the task than the BRITISH DRAMA, as
no one, as our stage can testify, can possibly be acquainted with a
greater number of _French cribs_.
* * * * *
THE CZAR'S ITERATION.
The EMPEROR OF RUSSIA'S lying manifesto concludes with a quotation from
a Psalm. This is only fresh proof that old NICHOLAS can quote Scripture
for his purpose.
* * * * *
THE MOST CURIOUS THING.--A woman not being curious!
* * * * *
CURE FOR SMOKY CHILDREN
"MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,
"My son HENRY--who promised to be such a good young man--has, I am sorry
to say, acquired that _nasty dirty_ habit of smoking tobacco, in which
he indulges from morning till night: such a pity at his time of life!
for he is not of age yet. In the _Times_ the other day I saw a letter
about the Smoke Nuisance, proposing to cure it by 'very frequent feeding
in small quantities, and a reward for no smoke.' Do you think, now, it
would be possible to break HENRY of smoking by continually tempting him
with little bits of something very nice to eat?--the worst of it is that
filthy practice has quite spoiled his taste for cake and tart. Reward
for no smoke I have offered in vain. I should be _so_ much obliged to
you, _Mr. Punch_, if you _could_ suggest any plan by which I could
manage to wean my child from his cigars by frequent feeding in small
quantities; indeed, indeed, it would be quite a charity to
"A MOTHER."
*** The frequent feeding in small quantities might, in all
probability, be accomplished easily enough. An occasional kidney--if
devilled, so much the better; a broiled bone now and then; from time to
time a sausage; an anchovy toast after dessert: later in the evening,
perhaps, a poached egg, a Welsh rabbit, or a few scalloped oysters:
these and similar delicacies substituted for pastry, would most likely
very much simplify the difficulty of getting HENRY to take small
quantities of food at short intervals. But experience unfortunately
proves that such a system of diet is not generally accompanied, on the
part of young men, by a discontinuance of smoking; whilst it is almost
always attended with an excessive consumption of malt liquor.--_Punch._
* * * * *
[Illustration: BLIND CHARITY.]
* * * * *
INFALLIBILITY AT KING'S COLLEGE.
The Council of King's College have dismissed PROFESSOR MAURICE from his
lectureships, because those theologians disapprove of his views on a
question which is left open by their common Church. The point in
dispute was not settled at the first Council of Nice; but it has now
been decided by a modern Council of Nice Men.
* * * * *
FAS AB HOSTE DOCERI.
A leading journal says that the CZAR, in calculating upon crushing
Turkey, "reckoned without his host." Rather, we should say, he reckoned
upon his host; but a few more defeats, and NICHOLAS will be driven to
the solitary reckoning in question, and be unable to discharge the shot.
* * * * *
THE DEARNESS OF BREAD.--A Political Baker attributes this to the war in
Turkey, for he says "it is all owing to the rise in the (y)East."
* * * * *
THE LAST JOB FOR THE CITY.--Having tolled every thing else that they can
the civic body have now only to toll their own knell.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Master Tom (to Old Lady who is very nervous about
fire)._ "IT'S ALL RIGHT, GRANMA! MY CANDLE IS OUT. I'M ONLY SMOKING MY
USUAL WEED!"]
* * * * *
PLAIN FARE AT THE PALACE.
The _Court Circular_ informed us the other day that "there was no
addition to the Royal dinner yesterday." We should not have had the
impertinence to speculate on the bill of fare at the Palace, had we not
been, as it were, invited to the subject by the Court Newsman, who tells
us that there was "no addition to the Royal dinner." We can only
compliment those who have the arrangement of the Palace provisions on
their frugality, which in these days of dear provisions is a virtue that
all housekeepers would do well to imitate.
If there was "no addition to the Royal dinner," it is clear that the
Royal Family must, on the day in question, have been eating cold--or at
most hashed--the "joint" of the day previous. We confess we do not like
the idea of the younger branches being deprived of any of those little
luxuries so dear to juvenile as well as to "other lips and other
hearts;" and, therefore, in the event of any future announcement of "no
addition to the Royal dinner," we should be glad to read the extra
intimation "_but_ there was a pudding in the nursery."
* * * * *
THE PRICE OF COALS ACCOUNTED FOR.
It is usual with small tradesmen to increase the weight of coals by
sprinkling cold water upon them; but in the City the reason why coals
come so heavy is owing to the _City dews_ falling upon them for twenty
miles round London. When these dews are collected, it is found that the
difference, which, of course, weighs upon the price, amounts, in the
course of the year, to many hundred thousands of pounds!
* * * * *
WHERE ARE THE RUSSIANS?
[Illustration: W]
What has become of the Russians, of whom 80,000 were said to have passed
the Pruth, while 24,000 is the greatest number that has been yet
accounted for. People are beginning to suspect that the Russian Army in
the Principalities is like the Russian Army at ASTLEY'S having a
considerable force behind some imaginary hills, and running round and
round by the back of the stage to give an appearance of numbers. We all
know that theatrical population progresses more rapidly than any other
kind of population; and if our census shows that we double ourselves in
fourteen years, a dramatic census will show that a theatrical
population--if well marshalled by the stage manager--will double itself
in less than five minutes. These considerations, however, do not help us
in our difficulty, when we ask what has become of some 40,000 or 50,000
Russians that are wholly unaccounted for? We may be told in the usual
loose phraseology of the chronology of war that they have been "cut to
pieces." But before we can believe this dreadful assertion, we have a
right to demand the production of at least the "bits" into which the
Russians have either been smashed, chopped or beaten. Perhaps the most
plausible way of accounting for the slaughter of the thousands of
Russians whose remains are nowhere to be found is by the very natural
supposition that they were but giants of the imagination, manufactured
before they were slain by some literary TOM THUMB, who is "doing the
foreign correspondence" of some London journal in his lodgings at
Lambeth.
* * * * *
A CUP TOO MUCH.
We understand that PRINCE ALBERT has nothing whatever to do with the
movement got up by the (late) LORD MAYOR, and indeed HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS
has as much distaste for the baneful cup of adulation as he has for "the
poisoned CHALLIS."
* * * * *
AN ALARMING DISCOVERY.
Somebody is advertising every day an instrument warranted to "frighten
but not kill" the public in general. The terrific instrument is no less
than a Gong, which for 40 shillings will frighten a thief, will "appal a
burglar" for 60 shillings, and for the comparatively small matter of
four pounds will "alarm the country." We hope the Government will at
once put a prohibitory duty on these gongs, for it will be an awful
state of things if anybody may have it in his power to frighten the isle
from its propriety for eighty shillings. Unless something is immediately
done to check the danger that threatens us, there is no doubt that "Bang
goes the Gong" will become as great a nuisance as "Pop goes the Weasel."
* * * * *
TURTLE IN ECSTASIES.
Accounts from Honduras represent the turtle in the Bay as exhibiting
symptoms of extraordinary excitement; flapping their fins, paddling
about with unwonted rapidity, lifting themselves on end and dancing and
jumping out of the water; in short, realising the most vivid idea of
lively turtle. These symptoms of hilarity among the furnishers of green
fat have been referred to the anticipation of the extinction of the City
of London Corporation, and consequent discontinuance of the LORD MAYOR'S
dinners.
* * * * *
THE GORTSCHAKOFF JACKET.
The uniform of PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF has not been described. We believe
the principal article of it is a "cut-away."
* * * * *
PROTECTION FOR THE SLOE.
Everybody is for reducing the duty on French wines, except certain
wine-merchants. As importers, the interests of those gentlemen could
hardly be affected by the reduction; but perhaps they do not look on
port and import as exactly the same thing.
* * * * *
THE OLDEST ANCHORITE.--Hope.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "A BEAR WITH A SORE HEAD."]
* * * * *
REMARKABLE TRIBUTE OF SIDEREAL APPROBATION TO MR. HIND.
[Illustration: O]
Our old Friend MR. HIND having introduced another new planet (the ninth
discovered by him) to the notice of mortals, the announcement was
received by all the sidereal bodies with the greatest satisfaction, and
indeed so greatly increased the perturbations under which some of them
habitually labour, that ZADKIEL has been compelled to publish a
supplement to his Almanack, and to predict the arrival of the Greek
kalends, the destruction of the Thames by fire, and, simultaneously with
these events, the extinction of _Punch_. SATURN, in particular, who
considers that the calumnious report of his having devoured his own
children had its origin in our ignorance of the existence of those
children, as a group of asteroids between MARS and JUPITER, and who is
consequently delighted whenever by the discovery of such asteroids his
character is cleared, was so overcome with joy, that no child born
during the past week will ever be injured in after life by this
generally malignant planet.
Many of the stars, moreover, feeling that something was due to MR. HIND
for his persevering efforts on their behalf, resolved to call a public
meeting to consider the best means of expressing their gratitude. The
PLEIADES, as occupying the centre of the universe, kindly offered their
rooms for the purpose; and MEROPE, whose marriage with a mortal caused
her to lose half her brightness, and brought upon her frequent snubbings
from her sisters, brightened up again on perceiving that her haughty
relatives were disposed to patronise one of her husband's race. The
meeting was numerously attended, but excuses were received from some of
the more distant stars, who alleged that if they travelled at the rate
of 12,000,000 of miles per minute they could not arrive until 4,000
years after the meeting had broken up. The GREAT BEAR pleaded illness as
an excuse for non-attendance; and it was whispered that mortification at
the ill success of PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF had brought on a fit of the gout.
Many of the NEBULAE arrived from a great distance, and were accommodated
with seats in the Strangers Gallery; but we regretted to observe that
their uncouth forms laid them open to the silly remarks of CAPRICORN,
who certainly cannot boast of his own personal attractions, and of
JUPITER'S satellites, who, though they are bound to amuse their master,
should have known better than to insult foreigners. In the Reporters'
Gallery the GEMINI attended for the _Herald_ and _Standard_, but could
only muster one pen between them; TAURUS appeared for the Conservative
weeklies, and SIRIUS (TOBY is _en rapport_ with Sirius, and always howls
when he sees him,) kindly undertook to report for _Punch_.
After an absurd attempt on the part of a clique to thrust the sun of our
system into the chair, ALCYONE, who is at present the centre of gravity
round which the whole universe revolves, was selected for that important
office, and immediately called upon "her excellent friend MERCURY," for
the first and only resolution. The _facundus nepos_ ATLANTIS thus
adjured, in a speech replete with eloquence, moved, "That this meeting,
viewing with extreme displeasure the practice of associating the newly
discovered sidereal bodies with the names of persons who have had no
share in the discovery, proposes to call the nine planets, discovered by
MR. HIND, by the common name of HIND'S Night Lights, as a small mark of
the grateful feelings entertained for that astronomer throughout the
sidereal system." This resolution, having been briefly seconded by
ALDEBARAN, was put and carried unanimously; and, after the customary
vote of thanks to ALCYONE, the stars returned to their orbits; but not
until the nine planets aforesaid, who, dressed in white, had been seated
in a row on the platform, had induced POLLUX to take round a castor, and
make a collection for their support. We ought also to state that the
well-known MUSIC OF THE SPHERES was in attendance, and gave great
satisfaction by its performance of "_Vaga Luna_," "_Oft in the Stilly
Night_," "_Rise Gentle Moon_," and other airs set for "Voices of the
Night." When MERCURY alluded to the disappearance of two stars from the
constellations--HERCULES and LYRA--these celestial voices sang "_The
Light of Other Days_" with much taste. Indeed, the taste for singing
which SHAKSPERE ascribed to the stars is in no way diminished, for the
whole meeting, on breaking up, joined very nicely in
"We won't go home till morning
Till daylight doth appear."
* * * * *
A GREAT ANCHOVY CASE.
"BURGESS AND SON," whose name will go down to posterity in a
cruet-stand, have lately been throwing their fish-sauce into Chancery,
and an equity judge has been discussing the essence of anchovies with a
_gusto_ quite remarkable. The barristers engaged in the matter have
doubtless verified the fact, that little fish are sweet, for the
anchovies have of course yielded some pretty little fees to pretty
little juniors. MESSRS. CAMPBELL and MOORE were on one side, while MR.
BACON and MR. NELSON represented the anchovies on the other side, and
counsel pushed about the anchovy bottle from the Court below to the
Court above, with a determination to bring the sauce of Burgess to the
very fountain of equity. The great anchovy case has been already before
the Vice Chancellor and the Lords Justices, but whether the parties will
carry their "sauce" up to the Lords is at present dependent probably on
how they may be "advised" by learned counsel to go on expending money in
litigation, or "if not why not," or "how otherwise."
* * * * *
DANUBIAN HOMICIDE.
Hosts on the Danube's banks are felled
To please one man's ambitious whim;
And yet there is no inquest held,
No Hue-and-Cry raised after him.
His likeness, true, the shops expose;
His hair, his eyes, are in the News,
And every Constant Reader knows
How high he stands without his shoes.
But how he sleeps, of what partakes,
In food and drink, from day to day,
What casual remarks he makes,
The newspapers omit to say.
We know that he persists in lies
Of quite an inconsistent kind.
But not that any chaplain tries
To rectify his frame of mind.
For wholesale murder does not meet
The doom that waits the single crime,
The exaltation in the street,
The carrion-crows, or grave of lime.
The head with an Imperial crown
To deck its slant or flattened top,
Will never, DONOVAN, come down
Among its fellows in thy shop.
Where, in King William Street, the Strand,
Thy window shows to public view
The culprits of the red right hand,
Whom hemp and MR. CALCRAFT slew.
BISHOP and WILLIAMS, BURKE and HARE,
COURVOISIER--that fiend in plush--
At whom the people come to stare,
With THURTELL, GREENACRE, and RUSH.
* * * * *
CAUTIOUS OVERMUCH.
A gentleman named BODDY appears, from the police reports of last week,
to have very properly rescued his daughter (a silly young lady who left
her own for a "Servant's Home") from the clutches of the Papist
perverters who are so constantly busied in destroying the happiness of
families. The magistrate seems to have doubted his power, but could he
not have dealt with the reverend revivalists as Boddy-snatchers? Surely
a surplus letter ought not to have prevented the precise punishment the
culprits deserved.
* * * * *
A CALICO CALEMBOURG.
_Mr. Cobden._ Why are the selfish agitators among the operatives like
the works of a clock out of order?
_Mr. Bright._ Because they insist upon striking, without regard to the
position of the hands.
_Mr. Cobden._ You are quite right, my dear BRIGHT.
* * * * *
[Illustration: SCENE.-A LONELY SQUARE.
_Time._--MIDNIGHT.
_Timid Swell (loq)._ "TAKE MY MONEY, TAKE MY WATCH, TAKE EVEWYTHING; BUT
PWAY SPARE _MY COLLARS_!"]
* * * * *
DIDDLESEX SESSIONS.
(_Before_ MR. SERJEANT EVES, _Assistant-Judge_.)
JOSEPH GUBBINS, _alias_ CRABB, _alias_ BLOOMFIELD, _alias_ the
_Grinner_, was charged with stealing a pewter pot, value one shilling,
from the rails of a house in Millbank Street. MR. SLASHER prosecuted,
and MR. CRASHER defended the prisoner. The case was distinctly proved.
_The Judge._ Now, JOE, have you anything to say?
MR. CRASHER objected to the prisoner being addressed as JOE. He firmly
believed, upon his sacred honour, that such a misdescription vitiated
the whole proceedings. At all events he called on the Judge to take a
note of the point.
_The Judge._ I shan't. Stuff and nonsense. The objection is not worth
twopence.
_Mr. Crasher._ It's worth fourpence at least, but it is quite in keeping
with all that goes on here that a Judge should not know the value of a
Joe.
_The Judge._ That's slang, and though a Counsel ought to be slangy, a
Judge ought not.
_Mr. Crasher._ I am quite prepared to hear the independence of the Bar
assailed, and the freedom of speech, which every authority from
HELIOGABALUS down to BLACKSTONE declares the right of an advocate,
stigmatized as slang. But it will not prevent my doing my duty.
_The Judge._ Do your duty. Who stops you? Do your duty. Who's
HELIOGABALUS, and what's HELIOGABALUS to do with JOSEPH GUBBINS? This is
the way the time of the Court is wasted.
_Mr. Crasher._ As the Court concedes the point, and calls the prisoner
by his name, I shall not pursue the argument.
_The Judge._ You may do as you like.
_Mr. Crasher._ I know I may.
_The Judge._ I'm glad you know it.
_Mr. Crasher._ I'm glad you are pleased.
_The Judge._ Very well.
_Mr. Crasher._ Very well.
_The Judge._ JOSEPH GUBBINS, you have been very properly found guilty of
stealing a pot--I mean you will be in a moment--eh gentlemen? (_Jury
nod._) Of course. You have been found guilty of stealing a pot. Now
pot-stealing is a crime which is injurious to the public weal---
_Mr. Slasher._ And public-house.
_The Judge._ Ha! ha! very good. I laugh, you see, MR. CRASHER, to show
that I am undisturbed in my temper.
_Mr. Crasher._ I have no objection, Sir, to your laughing at my learned
friend, in fact I do so myself ten times a day.
_Mr. Slasher._ "All fools have still an itching to deride."
_Mr. Crasher._ If the Court stands that, of course I can.
_Mr. Slasher._ The Court is sitting.
_Mr. Crasher._ Is it?
_Mr. Slasher._ Of course it is.
_Mr. Crasher._ Ah!
_Mr. Slasher._ Ah too, if you come to that.
[_The Judge joins in the repartees, which are protracted so long that_
MR. GUBBINS _takes off his shoe, and swears that unless his sentence is
passed he will "shy it" (to use his objectionable expression) "at the
old un's nob." He is condemned to three months' imprisonment, and the
next case is called._]
* * * * *
THE PRICE OF A LORD MAYOR'S GOWN.
Every "family man" will appreciate the annoyance of being called on
frequently for "a new gown;" but the most expensive milliner's bill
would be a mere song--to a moderate tune--compared with the cost of a
"new gown" for the LORD MAYOR OF LONDON. In the evidence before the City
Corporation Commission we find it stated by MR. ACLAND, that
"There is an amount of seven guineas paid for a violet gown for the
LORD MAYOR. In another instance there is an item of L17 for the LORD
MAYOR'S silk violet gown. On the occasion of the DUKE OF
WELLINGTON'S funeral, there is a sum of L72 for the LORD MAYOR'S
silk gown."
We cannot pretend to understand either the necessity for such an
extensive stock of gowns as the LORD MAYOR seems to possess, or for such
a frightful fluctuation in the price of one and the same article. We
know of no system of arithmetic or rule of three by which we are to get
a solution of the question: "If a LORD MAYOR'S gown cost L7 at one time,
and L17 at another time, why is it to cost L72 at a subsequent period?"
We can only say that _as_ L7 _is not to_ L17, _so cannot be_ L72 by any
rule or principle whatever.
* * * * *
THE CLEVER CLOWN NUISANCE.
[Illustration]
Some very pleasing horsemanship at Drury Lane is being marred by some
very obnoxious assmanship on the part of sundry clowns engaged, we
suppose, for the purpose of marking the contrast between the stupidity
of bipeds, and the sagacity of quadrupeds. We have no objection to the
old Astleyan Clown, who is continually wanting to know what he shall "go
for to fetch for to bring for to carry," but we must protest against the
modern school of buffoons who, under the ambitious title of "SHAKSPERIAN
jesters," or some other pseudonyme, inflict their dull platitudes on an
impatient audience. Directly a clown becomes too fat to tumble, or too
stupid to play the fool in the ordinary way, he adopts the name of
"SHAKSPERIAN" and bores the public with long lectures, which he fancies
may be received as instructive, because they happen to be the very
opposite of entertaining--just as if a man ceasing to be an amusing
fool must of necessity become a philosopher.
The "clown to the ring" is, in fact, becoming a perfect nuisance: and we
only wonder that the horses do not become low-spirited by contrast with
those dreadfully dull dogs who wear the motley. It would be quite
refreshing to meet with a good old conventional clown of former times,
who would not be above asking WIDDICOMB "if his (WIDDICOMB'S) mother is
aware of his (WIDDICOMB'S) absence from home;" or making any other of
those rare old imbecile remarks which used to set us in a roar in our
days of infancy. A philosophic clown to the ring is, in fact, an
anomaly; for every one admits the idle absurdity of "Reasoning in a
Circle."
* * * * *
A GOOD GROUND FOR A BAD JOKE.--Why is a lodging on the ground floor a
degradation? Because it's a-basement!
* * * * *
AN ALBANY FOR THE MILLION.
[Illustration: T]
To the health of towns, moral and physical, it is universally agreed,
that one indispensable condition is the abolition of Slums. But then
what is to become of the Slummites? The low neighborhoods may be done
away with, but there is no doing away with the low neighbours; who
cannot be disposed of by fire and water and poison, along with the bugs
and rats and other vermin that run upon four, or more, legs. Besides, in
spite of all appearances to the contrary, it is certain that they are
human beings; so that we cannot, consistently either with Christianity
or common law, get rid of them exactly as if they were black beetles.
And if routed out of their courts and alleys, they will crawl or lie
about the streets, or, making themselves still more unpleasant, die
under our noses.
It therefore becomes necessary to provide them with proper abodes.
Suburban kennels and pigsties will not do, as it is necessary that they
should reside near enough to their work. Model Lodging Houses,
therefore, well supplied with water, and arranged in all other respects
with reference to the prevention of effluvia, have been suggested
instead, as intramural habitations for the inferior classes. To these
the only objection is their name.
The gentlemen who inhabit a certain double row of buildings contiguous
to and parallel with the Burlington Arcade would be, most of them,
disgusted, if those edifices were spoken of as Model Lodging Houses.
But there is good reason to believe that not only have the lower classes
the same number of members--in an anatomical if not in a parliamentary
sense--as the higher, but that they are really endowed with essentially
even the same passions and feelings. Among other sentiments it has been
ascertained that they possess those of pride and vanity, which are not
only exasperated by scorn and contumely--as when they are called the
scum of the earth, the riff-raff, and the rabble--but also by
contemptuous patronage: by all sorts of badges, whether metallic or
verbal. There is something of the latter sort of badge in the term
"Model Lodging Houses." The expression is low; suggests an invidious
distinction of caste: a state of degradation descending almost to
pauperism.
To meet this objection it is proposed to erect a building containing
little suites of small apartments, adapted to the requirements and
circumstances of the poorer portion of the people, to be called "The
Industrious Albany;" industrious for the sake of distinction; or, if a
more explanatory title shall be preferred, "Cheap Chambers." Ventilation
and Warmth combined with Comfort and Cleanliness are to preside over the
interior arrangements, and the external proportions are to be regulated
by architectural taste, whilst the rent will be fixed at the most
economical figure. Investments of capital in this promising speculation,
to any amount, may be paid into the Office, 85, Fleet Street.
* * * * *
TO THE PRESS GENERALLY.
The EMPEROR NICHOLAS wishes an _erratum_ corrected in the next edition
of our dictionaries. He begs to say that he has discovered that an
Ottoman is _not_ a thing upon which you easily and comfortably place
your foot.
* * * * *
PROGRESS OF SCIENCE.--A Scientific Hair-dresser at the West-End is about
to favour the ladies with the discovery of a wonderful new Pommade,
which, he guarantees, "will prevent the bonnet falling off the head."
* * * * *
"THE UPHOLSTERER TO THE MONUMENT."
We see, in the reports of the City Commission, that there is a situation
with the above singular title. We wonder, in the name of everything
that's wonderful, what are the duties of this curious functionary? What
is there to hang, excepting the birdcage with the dingy canary,
belonging to the porter, at the entrance door? There may be a few
play-bills, also, and some steamboat placards; does "the Upholsterer" go
every morning to hang these outside the railings? What is the furniture
that is inside the Monument? and where is it stowed away? Or is the
"Upholsterer" engaged to keep the flutes of the columns clean? Or is it
his particular duty to rub up the Panorama of London that is viewed from
its summit? There is no other picture that we are acquainted with,
belonging to the Monument, excepting the picture of London's busy
traffic across London Bridge, and surely this is a picture beyond the
"Upholsterer's" reach? One would imagine from the fact of the Monument
having an "Upholsterer," that there were chairs, tables, four-post
bedsteads, curtains, and a regular houseful of furniture locked up
inside it. We shall pay a visit to the Monument the first fine day there
is no fog, and bring away with us an inventory of the furniture. In the
meantime, we should like to be informed of the amount of salary of this
"Upholsterer," who has to look after a place that contains no
Upholstery.
* * * * *
PERSPICUITY OF RED TAPE.
In reply to a request for information where to get the Blue Books which
are granted to Mechanics' Institutions, "A PROVINCIAL SECRETARY,"
writing to the _Times_, says that he received the following official
directions; that is to say, he was told
"To make application at the proper season to the clerk of the
committee, to be appointed pursuant to the report of the House of
Commons on Parliamentary papers, ordered to be printed on the 7th of
July last."
This the "PROVINCIAL SECRETARY" wants translated for the benefit of
himself and other country gentlemen. The passage may be construed
thus:--
At certain times of the year, and between certain hours, which will be
appointed hereafter but are not fixed yet, apply to somebody who will
perhaps be the clerk of a committee which does not at present exist but
will, one of these days, in conformity with a report of the House of
Commons on Parliamentary Papers, which was ordered to be printed on the
7th of July last, be constituted, if that report shall ever be acted on.
The translation is rather longer than the original; but if brevity is
required to be the soul of official advice, the answer might simply have
been "Arrangements have not been made," to which, if any further
explanation were necessary, might have been added, "And when they will
be, Heaven only knows."
* * * * *
THE DIGNITY OF TRADE.
We were going to say that the fact of a noble Lord having passed the
Bankruptcy Court the other day as a horse-dealer, gives strong
confirmation to the saying that we are a nation of shop-keepers. But
perhaps a horse-bazaar or repository cannot be properly called a shop;
and though the horse may be taken over a bar, that noble animal cannot
very well be handed across a counter; thus, whatever leaps the noble
lord in question may have taken, it is clear that it would be incorrect
to call him a counter-jumper. His case, however, certainly tends to show
that we are a highly mercantile community, since it exhibits a member of
one of our principal families as a dealer in horseflesh. But the fact
is, that business is practised by the aristocracy in general to a very
considerable extent. Not only do some of them trade in boroughs, but
also in rabbits, together with hares, pheasants, and partridges,
inasmuch as they sell game. They are not ashamed of this, either: for
they will converse about shooting, and not one of them ever calls on the
other to sink the shop. Indeed, to sink the shop would be to sink the
Island, and swamp the whole concern conducted by ABERDEEN and CO.
* * * * *
"SALAD FOR THE SOLITARY."
We see there is a book advertised under the above curious title. We can
hardly make out what it can be, but should say at random, that the
translation of it into plain English must be as follows:--SALAD FOR THE
SOLITARY.--Let-us alone.
* * * * *
CONFUSION OF AUTOCRATIC NOTIONS.
NICHOLAS expressed a pious hope that he might never be confounded. By
the thrashing which he has had from the Turks, we should think he must
have been disappointed.
* * * * *
ST. CROSS STINGO, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS GUILDFORD DEMI X ALE.
[Illustration]
At a time when certain parties are raising the price of their Ales,
which were previously sold at rates considerably higher than such as
would have been fairly remunerative, the Public, and especially
pedestrian travellers, will be interested to learn that a light and
wholesome BEER may be obtained upon the lowest possible terms, as it
will be delivered to all applicants at the mere cost of a visit to the
DEPOT, Porter's Lodge, ST. CROSS HOSPITAL. This SUPERIOR BEVERAGE is
brewed from pure Malt and Hops, according to a Homoeopathic
Improvement on the original Receipt handed down from the ancient Masters
of ST. CROSS, and is produced in such high perfection by the present
Master, the EARL OF GUILDFORD, that while the smallest quantity will
suffice the most inveterate toper, the largest might be imbibed
conscientiously by the strictest votary of Total Abstinence. The
remarkably low charge for which this Ale is offered to the consumer is
owing to the liberality of the Founders and Benefactors of the
Institution; who bequeathed capital to a large amount on trust for the
gratuitous supply of the genuine article to wayfarers. In Horns of
Half-a-Pint each, at the rate of One Measure per Diem. To be Drunk on
the Premises.
* * * * *
THE BAR AND THE LIBERTY OF THE SUBJECT.
A few days ago a case was called on in one of the "Superior" Courts,
when an application was made to put it off because MR. BODKIN could not
attend. One of the judges asked with very natural surprise, "Is not the
man in prison?" upon which the counsel of the "man in prison" got up,
and admitted such to be the fact; but added that he, the "man in
prison," was his (the counsel's) client, and that he (the counsel) was
perfectly willing "to accommodate MR. BODKIN." The accommodation of MR.
BODKIN was, no doubt, desirable in its way; but, as the accommodation of
a prison is not always agreeable, we are disposed to agree with the
learned judge, who thought it rather awkward--not to say, hard upon "the
man in prison" to have his case adjourned for the convenience of
counsel.
We are disposed to sympathise with the unfortunate who was deprived of
his liberty, not by his prison's bars, but by a portion of the Bar of
England, which often proves harder and more difficult to contend against
than the most inflexible iron. Nevertheless he, of course, cannot
complain, as although he was shut up in a jail, his own counsel who
represented him in a free and open court was "perfectly satisfied," and
most anxious to "accommodate MR. BODKIN." If the accommodation could
have been mutual--if, for example, the prison "accommodation" and the
counsel's "accommodation" could have been in some way equalised--we
might have seen more justice in the arrangement than either ourselves,
or the learned judge who expressed his surprise on the occasion, have
been able to discover. We must all admire the extreme spirit of
accommodation that prevails among many of "the gentlemen" of the Bar
who--though they bully each other's clients and witnesses, waste the
money of suitors by neglecting to attend to their briefs, and even
occasionally suffer the postponement of the case of an unfortunate
captive--are nevertheless always ready to fraternise with their "learned
friends," and make any concessions to each other, of which their clients
have to bear the penalty.
* * * * *
SHALL LADIES HAVE VOTES?
"Certainly," replies a strong-minded woman of our acquaintance. "Is
woman made only to sew on buttons? And if she is, you have no right to
turn away the Needle from the Poll."
* * * * *
TO SEVERAL HUSBANDS AND VARIOUS FATHERS.--HOW TO MAKE HOME HAPPY.--Keep
out of it.
* * * * *
THEATRICAL NOVELTIES.
In consequence of the success of _The Lancers_ at the Princess's--those
same _Lancers_ being only another version of _The Discarded Son_ at the
Adelphi--the following attractive novelties are in rehearsal, and will
be speedily produced:--
"'THE BLOWER OF BUBBLES'--being a new translation of _The Game of
Speculation_, acted so many hundred nights at the Lyceum Theatre.
_Mercadet, or the Bubble-Blower_ (with new bubbles to be blown
expressly on this occasion), by MR. CHARLES KEAN.
"'THE FAMILY OF THE WHYTE CHOKERS'--being a completely new version
of _The Serious Family_, which was so popular a season or two ago at
the Haymarket Theatre. The part of the _Reverend Aminadab Whyte
Choker_, by MR. CHARLES KEAN, in lieu of MR. BUCKSTONE.
"'THE MOUNTEBANK'--being an improved reading of _Belphegor_, as
performed by MR. WEBSTER at the Adelphi Theatre. _The Mountebank_
(so long as _the public will tolerate it_) will be played by MR.
CHARLES KEAN.
"'THE TOWER OF HAMMER-AND-NESLE'--being _The Tower of Nesle_, as
generally performed at the Surrey Theatre, but retranslated and
considerably improved, with new causes and effects, and a long
dissertation by MR. CHARLES KEAN, given away on the playbill, as to
the period and costume of the drama, and a list of the bodies thrown
into the Seine.
"'THE CARPENTER ON THE ROAD TO RUIN'--being a very superior
translation of a Piece, acted for many years under almost a similar
title, at the Victoria Theatre. MR. HICKS'S favourite part of _The
Carpenter_ by MR. CHARLES KEAN.
"New versions of _Pizarro_, _The Stranger_, and _The Maid and the
Magpie_ have also been accepted, and will be produced with all the
care for which the Princess's is distinguished."
Great hopes are entertained upon the production of the above pieces; and
there can be no doubt that, having been successful at so many theatres
before, they will be successful again. There can be no fear as to the
acting, when the principal parts will be performed by MR. CHARLES KEAN
himself.
* * *
[Illustration: MACBETH MURDERING DUNCAN BEHIND THE SCENES.]
* * * * *
CROCKERY OF THE LONDON CLAY.
The Registrar General tells us, in his report of last week, that "London
is situated in a basin." We are not informed what sort of a basin we are
living in, but it appears to us to be something between a pudding-basin
and a slop-basin--judging from the mud and "slush" it generally
contains. Whatever may be the accurate name for the utensil in which we
are located, we can only say that it is a basin _of_ which we should be
glad to be able to wash our hands.
* * * * *
THE POWER OF EVIL.--A Power of Attorney.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BONNET-MAKER'S DREAM.]
* * * * *
A REAL SCOTTISH GRIEVANCE.
Because we think that the Scotch Lion is quite as comfortable in the
place which custom has assigned him as he would be in any other; because
we consider that Scotland will do quite well enough without a separate
Secretary of State; because we are of opinion that Edinburgh should be
content to rank as the second city in the empire; because we are not of
opinion that the dictionary of DR. JOHNSON ought, to the vexation of the
author's _manes_, to be remodelled on a broad Scotch basis; because, in
short, we are not disposed to treat the imaginary wrongs of Scotchmen
otherwise than with our usual levity, we are not, therefore, disposed to
regard their well-founded complaints with any other feeling than our
occasional seriousness. Now we have--we cannot say the pleasure to
announce, for the announcement is one which we are grieved in having to
make--we have the pleasure, such as it is, of pointing out, and calling
attention to, with the view of causing to be redressed, A REAL SCOTTISH
GRIEVANCE.
The Scottish grievance which we thus proclaim to be real is one which,
we may say, should be framed and glazed. For it comes before us in the
shape of a lithograph--dedicated to us in conjunction with a daily paper
of some eminence--representing the Glasgow General Post Office; a
building of two stories in height, interjacent between MR. RUTHERFORD'S
cigar and snuff establishment, and the shop of MR. RUFF, clockmaker; a
portion of the party-wall of which last named edifice is exposed, by
reason of a very shameful circumstance, reflecting the discredit of
gross negligence and injustice on the Government, and, indeed, the
Legislature.
That injurious and disgraceful circumstance shall be stated in an
extract from a speech by SIR ARCHIBALD ALISON, which is printed beneath
the plate:--
"The revenue from the Post Office in Glasgow has increased, in ten
years, from L26,000 to L47,000; and, recollect, Glasgow is a city
containing nearly 400,000 inhabitants, being second in importance to
London alone. Well, the Government first bought a building for the
Post Office, for the sake of economy, so ruinous that they were soon
after obliged to take off the two upper stories and having done
that, they were compelled to leave it for two years and a half
without a roof, in the mean while taking no steps to erect a new
office. The result is, that for the greatest commercial city in
Scotland we have no cavalry barracks, no defences of any
description, a Post Office without a roof, and yet, with an amount
of wealth that may prove a tempting prize to an invader."
We will not say much about the Cavalry Barracks. Drunkenness, we know,
prevails to a great extent at Glasgow; and if the people there are apt
to be so disorderly as well as drunk, as not to be controllable by the
ordinary police, perhaps they do require dragoons to repress their
excesses. In that case, it is no doubt a shame that Glasgow should have
no barracks for cavalry. But that the Glasgow Post Office wants a roof,
is a substantial inconvenience and injury, a just cause of complaint, a
matter for strong and sober remonstrance; for remonstrance as
strong--and as sober--as Glasgow can make. A roofless house is
disgraceful enough considered as indicating insolvency, but it is much
more disgraceful when its rooflessness is the result of injustice. To
expatiate on the prime necessity of secrecy and security in such a
building as a post office, would be to insult the understanding of our
readers; and we feel that some apology is due for hinting that, of all
the works of masonry, that is the very edifice which ought most
carefully to be tiled in. It is, therefore, with all our power that we
would trumpet--if with a penny trumpet, though, in fact, ours is a
threepenny trumpet--the lack of a roof to the Glasgow Post Office as a
real Scottish grievance; and a very great one, particularly as compared
to the others alleged by Scottish agitators. We may add that we
sympathize the more cordially with the parties aggrieved, inasmuch as we
of course regard the condition of the Post Office at Glasgow as fraught
with prejudice and peril to the general cause of letters.
* * * * *
ABERDEEN FOR CHINA.
An English Ambassador is needed for Canton. We beg to propose the EARL
OR ABERDEEN. Such a selection would be a great compliment to the
Chinese,--the noble Earl being very like a tea-chest; namely, varnish
without, and lead within.
* * * * *
MODEL RAILWAY MEETING.
[Illustration: S]
Saturday last a General Annual Special Quarterly Meeting of the London
and South-Northern Railway Company was held at the Company's Offices.
The meeting had been convened to hear a report on the propriety of
amalgamating the undertaking with that of the Great East And By Eastern
Railway, for which junction, negotiations have been for some time in
progress. The HON. ROLLING STOCK, M.P., Chairman of the former Company,
presided. The room was crowded with shareholders, and eleven fights took
place before business was commenced.
The CHAIRMAN briefly explained the object of the meeting, and reminded
those before him that they were men of business come to discuss a
question of business, and he expressed a hope that nothing but business
would be talked, as the riotous displays which had now become common on
such occasions were not only degrading in themselves, but tended to
shake the public confidence in a body which could so conduct itself.
(_Applause, and an old hat flung at the Chairman._)
The SECRETARY then rose to read the report, but not one word was
audible, shouts of "_We know!_" "_Shut up!_" "_All humbug!_" "_Gammon
and spinach!_" drowning his voice. He persevered in dumb show, however,
until a volley of baked taturs, nearly all hot, supplied by a vendor who
had been smuggled into the room by a shareholder, made him not only
desist, but come round with an offer to fight the parties who were thus
emphatically protesting.
MR. BUFFER then moved that the report be adopted. (_Hideous yells._)
Well, if it were objected to, let the reasons be advanced, and don't let
fellows stand there, he added, with some irritation, howling like fools.
(_Renewed yelling._)
MR. DE GRADIENT seconded the motion, and would also be happy to be the
previous speaker's second, if necessary.
MR. SHUNT said that the Chairman was a Nass, the directors were umbugs,
and he had no term of decision--he meant derision--strong enough for the
secretary, engineer, and superintendent of the traffic. The whole lot
were revolutionary aristocratic donothings and sneaks. (_Cries of
"That's about it!_" "_Put that in your minutes!_")
The CHAIRMAN said that in his private capacity he despised the taunts of
the last speaker too much to condescend to notice them. But as Chairman
of that meeting, and representing its dignity, he felt it his duty to
say that of all the offensive rapscallions whose ridiculous gabble was
ever permitted to contaminate the ears of gentlemen, MR. SHUNT was at
once the most audacious and the most contemptible. He had no desire to
be severe, but this statement was the mildest version in which he could
clothe the truth. He should now put the motion. (_Cries of "Yes, you'd
better!_" "_Down, down!" and more volleys of baked taturs._)
MR. FITZPISTON rose to protest. Not a word had been heard of the report,
and yet they were to be asked to adopt it. (_Loud applause._)
The CHAIRMAN: And whose fault's that? If the meeting had not made such
an unbusinesslike row, they would have heard it all.
A SHAREHOLDER: It was a dodge of the Secretary's, who read low in order
not to be heard.
The SECRETARY (_in a dreadful rage_): If I read low I hit high. Will the
honourable shareholder come round here and try?
The SHAREHOLDER: No, you are our menial servant, and it's your duty to
wait on your masters. (_Vollies of applause and taturs._)
The Secretary was here restrained, with some difficulty, by the
Chairman, from taking off his coat and chastising the meeting. During
the discussion, quarrelling was going on in all parts of the room. At
length, the Secretary being appeased into only caricaturing his enemies,
upon his blotting paper, instead of beating them, the Chairman again
rose, and put the motion.
MR. SHUNT leaped upon the table, and, taking a sight at the Chair, moved
as an amendment, that the report be pitched out of window, and the
Directors after it. (_Applause._)
A DIRECTOR (_terrified_): Police!
At this word the fury of the meeting became terrific. _Cries of "That's
the way shareholders are bullied!" "No crushers here!"_ and other
indignant expressions broke forth; and for three-quarters of an hour,
though various speakers tried to be heard, nothing resulted but
gesticulation. At last the meeting, being hoarse, permitted a few words
from the CHAIRMAN, who explained that this question had been already
discussed forty-two times, and each time with similar excitement. In the
meantime another company was pushing on the same scheme, and would, by
reason of the delay, take the wind out of their sails. (_Cries of "All
your fault!" "Swindling the shareholders!" "Directors ought to be
kicked!" &c._) He would once more move, that the report be adopted, as
nobody would state any objections. (_Vociferous cries and yells--"No,
no!" "Down with them!" "Twenty-five per cent. or nothing!" "No
democrats!" "No exclusives!" "Bravo_ ROUSE!" _and so on_.)
The CHAIRMAN then called for a show of hands, when everybody clenched
his fist and shook it furiously at him. The Chairman, with a smile of
triumph, declared the motion unanimously carried, and then, with the
Secretary and the books, made a bolt through a side-door, before the
meeting could rush in upon them, and prevent the success of this _ruse_.
The meeting broke the windows, chairs, and lamps, and were then
dispersed by the police.
Yet, with such centres of organisation, fault is found with the working
of the Railway system. There's something wrong.
PUNCH.
* * * * *
PUNCH'S PRIZE JOKE SHOW.
By way of counteracting the attraction of the Prize Cattle Show, which
we think fosters a rather questionable taste for looking upon "fatty
deposits," we propose to institute a Prize Joke Show, and we hope that
the produce of the pen of wit will be more satisfactory than the
contents of all the pens in the Bazaar of Baker Street. We candidly
invite competition; and though anything in the shape of "animal matter"
will be rejected from a contest in which all the matter should be as
_spirituel_ as possible, we can only say that _Punch_ will be happy to
see any of the farfamed Suffolk Punches if, in this "keen encounter of
our wits," they have the courage to show themselves.
As a specimen of the style of Joke that will be admissible into the
contemplated Prize Show, we have the pleasure to "flick off" the
following:--
If I want a statue of myself, why should I be foolish to present a
sculptor with the marble for the work? _Answer._ Because if I did, he
would be sure to chisel me out of it.
* * * * *
THE MOUSTACHE AND BEARD QUESTION.
"MR. PUNCH,--I have been, I may say from my birth--leastwise since I
could stand upon a stool--a barber. I've brought up a large family (and
am married again) upon shaving. To be clean shaved was the prerogative
of a Briton. And now there is a movement for German beards and Cossack
moustachios, which, if permitted, farewell to the British Constitution.
When we look like Roossian slaves and Austrian panders, we shall feel
and act like 'em. Anyways, if beards come in, barbers must go out, in
which case I ask for 'demnification.
"Yours, &c."
"SIBTHORP SUDS."
"The COLONEL--(my parent was a Lincoln voter and barber)--is my
godfather; which happened when the COLONEL used to go, I'm told, with as
clean a face as any in the county."
* * * * *
DOCTOR WISEMAN.
On his departure from Golden Square, the subjoined notice, written in
the DOCTOR'S own hand, was affixed outside his door--"Gone to Rome; will
be back for mass in Westminster Abbey."
* * * * *
THE BRIGHT CITY.
The EARL OF SHAFTESBURY has volunteered an epistle eulogistic of
Manchester. "Thoroughfares are opened"--says the noble lord--"courts and
alleys cleansed--drains and sewers constructed," &c. &c. Nothing,
according to the noble lord, will soon be wanting to Manchester to make
it emphatically the Bright City; nothing but--as _Punch_ opines--a
little public spirit. "The Turk may go hang so that he buys our goods."
"Liberty in its highest sense, is the liberty to buy and sell." "The
worst worldly evil is a bad shilling." A few of these maxims do
certainly still defile the moral atmosphere of Manchester, cleansed as
the air inhaled may be from the reek of cesspools. MR. BRIGHT'S hat,
though covering a large, cool head, is nevertheless not big enough to
extinguish the turban of Turkey. "Great spirits"--says JEAN PAUL--"are
buried under golden mountains." In like manner, sympathy with a noble
cause may be stifled in cotton-bags.
* * * * *
[Illustration:
"All round my neck I vears the shirt collar,
All round the neck for a twelvemonth and a day;
And if any one should ax you the reason vy I vears it;
So, tell 'em 'cause it's now the fashionable vay."]
* * * * *
SOMETHING OUTRAGEOUS.
"MR. PUNCH, SIR,
"What next? Have you read the servile inscription on Marlborough House
Gates?--
"'The public is _respectfully_ informed, that admission is to be
procured,' &c.
"'Respectfully informed,' _Mr. Punch!_ Hity-tity! Well. This is
something! Respectfully! And this is by a body of officials, and stuck
on a house which is the property of a Royal Prince! The brewers and
bakers and candlestick-makers are respectfully informed. Tag, rag, and
bobtail are respectfully informed. The swinish multitude is respectfully
informed by its own servants that it may see something it has paid for.
I cannot trust myself to write. Times are changed, _Mr. Punch_, or
officials are strangely altered from what they were in the time of
"Yours respectfully(!)
"_Hampton Court._ AN OLD OFFICIAL."
* * * * *
TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
We doubt whether the Great Metropolis can parallel the following choice
specimen of composition, which we find in the _Morning Advertiser_ of
the 16th:--
As Good Housemaid, in a small Family, where a _Footman_ is kept, who
is a good _needlewoman_, who can attend _on a lady, with a good
character_. Direct A. B. &c., Brompton.
We have seen footmen who were justly proud of their "pins", but never
yet saw a footman who was a good needlewoman. But we quite approve of
the advertiser's caution. Being a "good" housemaid, she will serve
nobody but "a lady with a good character". This is very proper, and in
consideration of the virtuous principle displayed, one can forgive the
author's Random Recollections of LINDLEY MURRAY.
* * * * *
FLIRTING. (_By an old Hand at it._)--Flirting is a most amusing game. It
is true there is nothing gained by it, but then there is nothing staked.
In fact you may call it, "playing at cards for love."
* * * * *
THE SONG OF THE CITY REMEMBRANCER.
"Sweet Remembrancer!
Now, good digestion wait on appetite,
And health on both."--_Successful Tragedy._
The City Remembrancer's post I hold.
An office that's sacred, because 'tis old;
I repel, I deny the assertion base
That there isn't no use in that 'ere place!
So you want to know what I've got to do?
And, Imperance, what odds is that to you?
But inquiry we court, as we've always done,
And I scorn all concealment, myself, for one.
I am only an image, you think, like Gog,
Whereas I the LORD MAYOR'S memory jog,
And the Aldermen also, in banquet met,
I remind of the duties which some forget.
His Lordship, for instance, perhaps I see
Is getting on slow with his callipee;
And a slight squeeze of lemon I then suggest,
With a dash of cayenne to impart a zest.
"My Lord-eh, my Lord!" says I, "why, look there!
You're a spilling your dinner, I do declare!
'Tis of haunch that you're eating; and don't you know
Currant jelly should always with venison go?
"Mr. Alderman, bless me! you faint and droop,
As if you could hardly get through your soup.
Glass of punch, Sir, of course, with the work you've got,
You have surely been absent, Sir, have you not?
"Dear me, Mr. Deputy--look, Sir, look!
Excuse me; but you I must call to book:
Allow me to push you the boat across,
You are eating that bird, Sir, without bread-sauce!
"Here's capon, mind, gentlemen; here's black cock;
This wine, recollect, is peculiar hock:--
This is peacock--that's cygnet, yon gent before,
If you think you could manage a little more.
"Not feel quite the thing, don't your Lordship, eh?
Hallo! bring the brandy, you Sir, this way.
Now, my Lord, a small glass--just a toothful. No?
Well then, come, try the least drop of Curacoa."
But I've other duties, which I discharge
In warily steering the Civic Barge
Through St. Stephen's storms, whirlpools, rocks, and shoals,
Safe and sound, with a cargo--we'll say--of coals.
That MAJOR BENLOW--what--OW--OWSKI, he
Not half a Remembrancer ain't, to me;
And I gets a small pittance for all this here,
Which is under a couple of thousand a year.
* * * * *
"LEFT-OFF CLOTHES FOR THE COLONIES."
The "old clothes" fraternity are advertising very briskly for left-off
clothes for the Colonies, with a view, no doubt, to a sort of Holywell
Street aristocracy that some people are desirous of establishing in
Australia. Considering the many scamps that have attained to wealth at
the "diggins," and knowing the slavish precedence that is always
accorded to the possessors of gold, we may anticipate a peerage of
regular "roughs," should an "Upper Chamber" be established at the
Antipodes. The old clothes movement, in taking a colonial direction,
shows a sympathy with the contemplated exportations of aristocratic
distinctions to the New World, at a time when the Old World is
exhibiting leniency to throw aside its old worn-out habits. Among the
"left off clothes" we presume it will be a good speculation to include a
few "coats of arms" for the use of the Antipodean aristocracy.
* * * * *
THE ENGLISHMAN'S CASTLE.
"The Englishman's House (says the Proverb) is his Castle;" and so it is,
but then it is a castle which is subject to many attacks (such as the
House Tax, Poor Tax, &c. &c.), and which requires for its defence no end
of shot. The expenses of its support are fearful--so much so, that
frequently is the castle swallowed up in its keep.
* * * * *
A REFLECTION (_By_ MECHI).--It is not the sharpest blades that always
are the truest steel.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE REMONSTRANCE.
_London Merchant._ "WHY, WHAT IS THE USE OF YOUR BEING IN A RESPECTABLE
HOUSE OF BUSINESS IF YOU PROCEED IN THIS ABSURD, VULGAR MANNER? NOW,
TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, UNLESS YOU MEND VERY CONSIDERABLY, YOU WILL GO ON
FROM BAD TO WORSE. YOU WILL BECOME A PETTY HUCKSTER; FROM THAT YOU WILL,
IN ALL PROBABILITY, GET TO BE A MERE COMMON COUNCILMAN; THEN AN
ALDERMAN; WHEN, AFTER A COURSE OF GLUTTONY AND TOM-FOOLERY, PAINFUL TO
THINK OF, YOU WILL MAKE A RIDICULOUS TERMINATION TO YOUR CONTEMPTIBLE
CAREER BY ACTUALLY BECOMING A LORD MAYOR!"]
* * * * *
A MIDDLESEX BALLAD.
AIR.--"_And shall_ TRELAWNEY _die_?"
A baize board and a crafty 'and,
And a racing print or two;
Didn't we once just understand,
The sporting gents to do?
And 'ave they fixed the where and when,
And shall the system die?
Then 'alf a thousand betting men
Will know the reason why.
And shall they scorn MEG, MATH, and "BEN,"
And shall the system die?
There's 'alf a thousand in our trade
Who'll know the reason why.
Out spake FLASH BILLY, blithe and bold.
A horse-shoe pin wore he:
"Deposits on a race to 'old
Shall we no more be free?
When we could grasp them in our 'and,
The system used to pay;
For when rum tidings reached the Strand,
'Twas--'Shutters up--away!'"
And shall they scorn MEG, MATH, and "BEN," &c.
A plague upon St. Stephen's wall,
Where not one cove stood true;
We'll make that PALMERSTON look small.
For working this 'ere screw:
The Turf you 'ave betrayed, as 'ow
You swear 'er lists shall die;
But 'alf a thousand betting men
Will know the reason why.
And shall they scorn MEG, MATH, and "BEN," &c.
* * * * *
GREAT POLITENESS TO NICHOLAS.
Our own ships have waited, whilst the Russian frigate _Aurora_ has
occupied a Portsmouth dock. We have supplied NICHOLAS with the work of
shipwrights and the stores of our Dockyard. This is Christianlike, and
according to the ABERDEEN policy expressed by the Premier at the Mansion
House. It is said the Noble Earl, in the excess of his benevolence,
would--if he might--even go further: not only furnishing the EMPEROR'S
frigate with English stores, but with English sailors.
* * * * *
THE CITY CORPORATION.--If this Corporation is compared to PLATO's
Republic, it can only be as "a KNIFE, FORK, and PLAT(E)O" one.
* * * * *
THE ROYAL EXCHANGE CLOCK.
It is a common saying in the City and elsewhere that "Time is money,"
and we cannot wonder at the existence of the maxim, when we look at the
cost, of the representative of time at the Royal Exchange--no less than
L2605 0_s._ 8_d._ having been paid for the Exchange Clock. This sum is
at the rate of about L217 per hour, taking the clock to consist of the
usual number of hours, or nearly L40 per minute, if we make a
calculation rather more minute.
The cost of the Clock is made up of a variety of items, which, for the
enlightenment of the public, we subjoin.
L _s._ _d._
Clock 700 0 0
Alterations 224 18 6
Bells and Chimes 615 17 4
Alterations 290 0 0
Recasting 650 0 0
Refitting 124 4 10
--------------
L2605 0 8
It must be inferred from this, that after the Clocks had been purchased
for L700, it resembled the donkey "what wouldn't go," and as there was
nobody to cry "Gee Wo!" with the expenditure, L224 18_s._ 6_d._ was sunk
in alterations. As if the Clock itself was not sufficiently costly, it
was proposed to convert it into a toy by having bells and chimes
attached to it, which have already caused an outlay to the tune of
upwards of One Thousand Pounds--a very pretty tune, no doubt, but
hitherto the only tune to which the Bells and Chimes have contributed,
for they cannot be got into play anyhow. The Common Council, however,
will not admit there has been anything wrong in the matter, because
"PROFESSOR AIREY declares the bells and clock the most beautiful
specimens of workmanship ever seen." We should have thought that bells
and clocks were to be heard rather than seen; and that a clock, like the
costermonger's horse, might be excused for being a "rum un to look at,"
if it's being a "good un to go" could be relied upon. The approval of
PROFESSOR AIREY may be very satisfactory as far as it goes, but until we
can look upon the loss of L2605 0_s._ 8_d._ as an airy nothing, we can
hardly reconcile ourselves to the facts we have called attention to.
* * * * *
NEWS FROM THE THEATRE OF WAR.
Our latest news from the Theatre of War is from Astley's Theatre, where
the War with Russia is being carried out with unflagging energy. Last
night the Russians had entrenched themselves in a strong position in
front of the enemy, and the Russian General, WIDDICOMB, turned the right
wing--a wrong one having been turned by the negligence of a
scene-shifter. The enemy were in position at nine o'clock, and a French
officer made towards a standard, which he eventually carried. On
Saturday afternoon a body of Russian soldiers received their pay from
the treasury, which is understood to be amply supplied.
In the evening the battle was resumed with great vigour; but both
parties eventually laid down their arms. The Russians were much
harassed, and set fire to Moscow in several places with bits of tow
steeped in spirits of wine. The city burnt with great fury for nearly an
entire minute, when it was terminated by a decisive blow from the mouth
of the master carpenter.
* * * * *
A POLITICAL PROBLEM SOLVED.
Why are diplomatic papers called Circular notes?--They are called
_Circular_, because they frequently arrive at no definite end.
[Illustration: A NEW CHIME FOR BOW BELLS.
_DON'T_ TURN AGAIN, WHITTINGTON; _DON'T_ BE LORD MAYOR OF LONDON.]
* * * * *
READING THE (DRAMATIC) STARS.
[Illustration: T]
The other day we read an account of a few complimentary words having
been spoken by the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA to a French Opera dancer, from
which some _Gobemouche_ had drawn the inference that there would be no
war between Russia and France. Upon a similar authority we might
announce that there is no possibility of any collision between France
and England. At one of the performances of "TOM" MATTHEWS, as English
_Clown_, during his engagement in Paris, the Emperor LOUIS NAPOLEON was
seen to applaud. It might also be inferred that the British Government
stood pledged to support the Constitutional cause in Italy, because
COSTA is a Sardinian, and is usually employed to preside at the piano
when a concert is given at the Palace.
* * * * *
OUR TOURIST IN PARIS.--No. 11.
"Oh, I say!" says old MARTINGALE, bursting in upon the Tourist's morning
meal, "I saw such a stunning play last night. Don't mind my weed, eh? I
am not much of a playgoer myself, you know. You haven't got any Curacoa
I suppose? Oh, yes, Kirsch will do, thank you. Especially here, they
speak so quick I can't follow 'em. FRANCONI'S more my line. But I tell
you what, the piece last night was a fizzer, and no mistake; and a
fellow sung no end of a good song in it," continued the dramatic
enthusiast, jingling half-a-dozen sovereigns in his two hands in time to
the tune he hummed, "Chink chink, chink chink, toodle um tum ti, chink
chink, chink chink, toodle um tum ti. Clipping, by Jove; all about women
not caring for love, or hops, and that kind of thing, but only for tin.
How it must have riled them. I believe it's quite true, and yet--I don't
know either. Some of one sort, and some of another, I suppose."
"Oh, I can't tell you the plot. It's a young fellow who goes away from
home, the reprobate, and falls into what is called "bad company", and
one of the bad company pretends to be spooney on him, and it's all very
jolly at first. He swells about and spends a tremendous lot of tin, in
the same way that TOM HILTON and fellows of that sort are doing now.
Horses, and dinners, and champagne, and jewellery; nothing is too good
for him. And then, to mend matters, he takes to play, and of course is
extensively legged by others of the bad company, and is ruined, in
short. He tries to hold on by borrowing of old _Shixty-per-Shent_, just
like fellows we know in town; and he comes to grief, and the mercenary
female cuts him when she finds it out; and it's very affecting.
Everybody cried all round the house; and, upon my word, I couldn't help
doing a little in that way myself. Now, mind you go and see it. I intend
to go every night till I know that song by heart." And he went away,
warbling "Chink chink, chink chink," and smacking the sovereigns in his
pocket.
More difficult critics than MARTINGALE had spoken well of the last of
that chain of dramas in which _Lais_ is made the heroine, and the bad or
good side of her character is the point of interest. The Tourist,
therefore, willingly installed himself with his double-barrel in a
_fauteuil d'orchestre_, and was forced to acknowledge the admirable
constructive skill with which French dramatists ply their craft. No
wonder our practical fellow-countrymen are tempted to carry off such
capital ready-made articles, instead of being at the pains of hatching
their own clumsy originals. Equally admirable was the acting for case,
gaiety, and power. At the pathetic parts the audience wept freely, as my
friend had said. There was no shame or reserve. One old fellow, with a
cropped head and great grizzled beard, was quite inconsolable. He mopped
his face with a red cotton handkerchief, and sobbed as if his heart
would break. The severe moral of the piece seemed to displease certain
ladies in beautiful bonnets, who murmured disapprobation. The satire
conveyed by the piquant "chink chink" was overcharged; but the honest
_bourgeoisie_ drowned all discontent with obstreperous applause. They
had no doubt whatever that _Lais_ was quite as bad as she was
represented.
Before the audience had well dried their tears by a promenade in the
_foyer_, they were all laughing themselves into fits over a comic
piece--which certainly was very funny--about the children of Albion. A
party of French pleasure-seekers find themselves in the full-flavoured
and highly-coloured atmosphere of London, and enter an hotel kept by a
lady in a straw hat and Highland kilt. (The fashions of dear old England
have, apparently, varied somewhat since the wanderer left her shores.)
To every demand for victual or drink made by the famished travellers,
the short-petticoated lady replies that it is impossible, _parceque
c'est Sonday._ And the whole party come forward to sing in the pleasant
manner of French vaudevilles, _"C'est Sonday, Sonday, Sonday"_ &c. and
make everybody laugh very much. Certainly it was a perfectly good
natured joke, and after they had lashed themselves in the drama we could
not complain of being tickled in the farce.
A nice old gentleman who occupied the next stall to the Tourist, and
availed himself of Monsieur's lorgnette, asked whether we love to
ridicule Frenchmen in a like manner on our stage; and, being answered in
the negative, seemed disposed to congratulate himself that his
countrymen were free from ridiculous customs, follies and vices.
"Pardon, my dear Sir: behold all the difference. Your writers are
spiritual and ingenious, but they want one thing--conscientiousness.
They care little for truth and justice if they can only say a good
thing. The piece which has diverted us both so much supposes an audience
as ignorant of us and of our manners as if we were Tartars or Japanese.
A sketch so coarse and unfaithful could not be presented to even the
least instructed play-goers of London. Forty years ago, I confess, when
we had no intercourse with your charming Paris, they would have received
it with delight at the first theatre of the King. But now they know too
much; and any of our writers who should set himself to laugh at the
grand nation without careful and candid observation of them in their own
country, would be only making _himself_ ridiculous. Now the more a
traveller becomes familiar with the people amongst whom he lives, the
less occasion he finds to smile at their peculiarities. He discovers
good sense where at first he only saw eccentricity, and the material for
mockery crumbles away when he attempts to grasp it. And hence it arises,
my dear Sir, that almost the only sure way to raise a laugh in England
against your witty compatriots is to carry out and improve their
ignorant caricatures of us."
"Monsieur, it is impossible to say anything more true or more profound.
Permit me to hope that, as the two sisters recognise each other's noble
traits, they will never smile to deride, but only in admiration."
* * * * *
RUSSIAN REVOLUTIONISTS.
The Russians are not commonly supposed to be revolutionists, though the
slaves of a sanguinary Autocrat are just as bad as Red Republicans.
However it appears that they have embraced that revolution in naval
warfare which is destined to result from the adoption of COLT'S
Revolver. Armed with this instrument, these tools of absolutism are
likely, in effect, to prove the most destructive levellers; flooring
their antagonists left and right. Should these antagonists ever be
British Tars, it will be a disgrace to the Admiralty if the QUEEN'S
sailors have no better weapons than the superseded old pistol and common
cutlass wherewith to encounter the crew of NICHOLAS. It is to be hoped
that they will be supplied, without delay, with arms that will place
them on an equality with whatsoever foe they may be called upon to
conquer; so that they may defy old NICHOLAS and all his crew, and repel
all other assaults of the enemy.
* * * * *
TRICKS, BUT NOT HONOURS.
LORD MAYOR SIDNEY, in presiding the other day at a meeting of those very
common people, the Common Council, expressed himself excessively
"anxious for the honour of the Corporation." We are delighted to have it
in our power to relieve LORD SIDNEY from further solicitude, by
entreating him to cease from all anxiety for "the honour" of the
Corporation, as we can assure him that the alleged cause of his anxiety
does not exist.
* * * * *
THE DANGERS OF INFANCY.
The two serpents that HERCULES strangled in his cradle were a couple of
bottles of DAFFY'S ELIXIR and GODFREY'S CORDIAL. If he hadn't killed
them, they would have killed him.
* * * * *
THE OLDEST LAWYER.
We see announced the "Death of the Oldest Lawyer." How old he was, we
cannot say--but we always thought "The Oldest Lawyer" what is properly
called "THE NICK OF TIME."
* * * * *
[Illustration: WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, ETC.]
* * * * *
A DONKEY AND A MAYOR.
PLUTARCH delighted in parallels: _Punch_ takes pleasure in the like
intellectual exercise. Our friend of the _Notes and Queries_ speaks of a
"vast _quantity_ of donkeys" at Malvern (for at that favoured place
donkeys are measured by the peck and bushel). And amongst these donkeys
was, until lately, a very superior ass named, for certain achievements
performed in the cause of the late QUEEN ADELAIDE, the "_Royal_ Moses."
It seems that the good QUEEN was wont to be carried on the back of
Moses--at the time simply Moses, and no more--to the summit of the thymy
hills of Malvern; Moses, no doubt, inwardly rejoiced and comforted by a
knowledge, or at least suspicion, of the preciousness of the burden (for
he carried L100,000 per annum) that honoured him; for even asses have
shrewd instincts in the presence of the Royal and the great. Well, HER
MAJESTY being about to leave Malvern, rewards the old woman whose
property Moses is: at the same time, with her wonted benevolence,
inquiring if she could do any further service, likely, in this world of
nice distinctions, to give--in return for the many rides on Moses--the
old woman a lift. After a while, pondering the matter, the old woman
said--"Please your BLESSED MAJESTY, give a name to my donkey." Now, as
the animal was an ass upon four legs, there was no precedent for
bestowing upon him a baronetcy or even a knighthood: he could not be
called SIR MOSES ASINUS, BART.--neither dubbed simply SIR MOSES.
Otherwise, in the latter case, we doubt not the good-natured QUEEN,
calling for a bulrush from the ponds of Malvern, the donkey sagaciously
going upon his knees, would have been melodiously commanded to "Rise,
SIR MOSES." The four legs, however, stood in the way of such an honour.
Therefore, QUEEN ADELAIDE, looking benevolently upon the donkey,
said--"Henceforth, be known to all men as the ROYAL MOSES." A peck of
beans would, probably have been quite as acceptable as the regal prefix;
nevertheless, the ass--like the ass of _Peter Bell_--
"---- the ass, with motion dull,
Turn'd, on the pivot of his skull,
His long left ear!"
The dignity was thus loyally acknowledged by the ennobled donkey, and
QUEEN ADELAIDE departed. And the glory of the Royal Moses grew exceeding
bright. Everybody would ride him. "That roan shall be my throne," cries
_Hotspur_. "For that Moses I proposes," cried every Cockney visitor.
What was the result? No ass could bear to be so put upon. The ass died;
but--it is said--has left several sons behind him; one and all called,
even as the sire, "The Royal Moses". But this is a miserable
imposture--an ignorant, wretched ambition. Asses--assuredly asses on
four legs--have no hereditary titles. There can be but one Royal
Moses--the sons are simply donkeys, and no more.
And London supplies a parallel with Malvern. Once upon a time there was
a Mayor. Now, this Mayor would take upon himself the burden of the
reputation of a Royal Prince; would carry it at public meetings; would
especially insist on trotting with it into Hyde Park? And for what
purpose? We--_Punch_--have written to the old woman at Malvern, the
owner of the dead Royal Moses, to inquire of her--(for at a critical
moment she proved herself a shrewd, worldly-wise old woman)--to inquire
her opinions upon the conduct of our MAYOR, self-burthened with the
crystal glory of a gracious PRINCE. We have received her answer, and
duly give it:--
"TO MR. PUNCH,--The owner of the Royal Moses as was, of QUEEN ADELAIDE
of blessed memory [_this is writ for me by the Parish Clerk_], presents
her duty to _Mr. Punch_, and searching her own bosom for what was there
when she was emboldened to ask a favour of HER MAJESTY--
"The owner of the Royal Moses as was (his sons are like him, as beans
are like beans) thinks the MARE as _will_ trot about with the PRINCE,
only does it that he may--copying of me--say, 'Please your Royal
Highness to give a name to my donkey, or mare, as the case may be.'
"And this, _Mr. Punch_, is my belief, judging from the secrets of my own
breast. And am
"Your Humble and Dutiful Servant,
"The owner of the Royal Moses,
"Her X mark."
"P.S.--Donkeys always on hand."
"Thus, the old dame of Malvern, divining aright, our CHALLIS may ask, or
hint--"Please your Royal Highness, give a handle to my challice".
* * * * *
OBITUARY A LITTLE IN ADVANCE.
Died the other day, by Act of Parliament, that time-honoured old
nuisance, the City of London: very sincerely execrated by all who knew
it, its civic brethren alone perhaps excepted. Though sudden at last,
its death, by no means, was an unexpected one: for in the public
estimation it was known that the deceased had long been sinking. Among
the causes which chiefly led to its dissolution, we believe especial
prominence must be given to its fondness for good living. Its favourite
dish perhaps was turtle soup, of which its consumption was habitually
enormous. We believe it has been even known to devour as many as four
hundred quarts at a single dinner.
Gluttony, however, was not its only failing. Its love of "good things"
was by no means confined to those of the dinner-table: for its appetite
for venison was more than equalled by its thirst for wealth. We might
enumerate many acts of extortion by which its existence was rendered
infamous. The blackest of these however was, we think, its coal-tax; of
which its imposition was regarded as such, in more than one sense of the
substantive, being justly complained of, as a burning shame, by all who
suffered from it.
Another failing of the deceased was its utter want of taste--in
everything but what had emanated from the kitchen. Of this the strongest
instance was its strenuous upholding of Temple Bar: an ugly structure,
but for the keeping up of which people had to pay pretty handsomely. Nor
was its sense of smell less impaired, apparently, than that of taste: as
was shown especially by the strange degree of fondness it evinced for
Smithfield Market, although that place was continually in bad odour.
Throughout its existence, the deceased was extremely subject to fits--of
indiscretion--which it is thought materially impaired its constitution.
Perhaps the most distressing of these was that which annually recurred
on the 9th of November, when it experienced for hours a congestion of
its arteries, which seriously impeded its vital circulation. In some of
its later paroxysms, the deceased so far forgot itself as to betray a
slight attention to the Arts, to which it previously had maintained the
most complete indifference--except, indeed, to that which we now see
daily advertised as the "Art of Dining."
It is expected that the funeral will take place in the middle of next
week, when the LORD MAYOR of course will officiate as Chief Mourner.
Service will be performed by one of the Sheriffs, whose officers have
long discharged that duty. We are not aware that any monument will be
erected to the deceased, though a column to its memory will probably be
placed in the pages of our contemporaries.
* * * * *
TEMPLE-BAR MUST BE REMOVED.
The past week affords another argument for the removal of Temple-Bar. On
Tuesday last, a distinguished Alderman having to go west, was stopped by
the fog at Temple-Bar. Fog and alderman were both so thick, it was
impossible that both could go through together. We have not heard how
the dilemma was settled.
* * * * *
THE PRESENT FASHION OF BONNETS.--A lady dresses first, and then puts on
her bonnet. The bonnet is, now, completely an "after-thought."
* * * * *
GREAT THEATRICAL EVENT.--The last week has produced an entirely
new--translator!
* * * * *
THE FRENCH "FUSION" AT FROHSDORF.
[Illustration: T]
The papers announced the other day in "second editions," by "submarine
and electric telegraph," the important fact that "the DUKE DE NEMOURS
had called on the COUNT DE CHAMBORD at Frohsdorf;" and a subsequent
communication brought the equally important intelligence that the PRINCE
DE CHAMBORD had since returned the call. How it can signify to Europe in
general, or to England in particular, to be told that these two princes
are now on visiting terms is a puzzle to us, who look upon the affair
with as much unconcern as we should have felt at the intimation that
JONES had been to ROBINSON'S, and that ROBINSON had returned JONES'S
card. We suppose, however, that the electric telegraph will speedily be
put into requisition to communicate the progress of the fusion through
all its stages, from the first interchange of the conventional
pasteboard, to the final drawing up of a family compact. We shall expect
to meet with such passages as the following in the columns of our
contemporaries before the end of the month:--
"_By Submarine and Electric Telegraph._--The COUNT DE CHAMBORD asked the
DUKE DE NEMOURS to breakfast this morning, and the DUKE DE NEMOURS
returned the compliment by inviting the PRINCE DE CHAMBORD to tea in the
afternoon."
"_By Special Courier from Vienna._--The representative of the elder
branch of the House of Bourbon has offered a cigar to the representative
of the Orleans family, who has acknowledged the courtesy by presenting
his illustrious relative with a _fusee_ to light his Havannah.
"_Latest from Frohsdorf._--The COUNT DE CHAMBORD and the DUKE DE NEMOURS
are now, at near midnight, drinking grog together. The elder branch
poured in the water; the younger branch has added the spirits; each of
the royal personages acted as spoon, and after a stirring interview of
several seconds, the fusion may be considered to have been complete."
* * * * *
SHOCKING LOW CHURCH!
It is proposed by certain well-meaning persons, to erect ragged churches
on purpose only for the poor, the wretched, and the ragged. Probably a
church of this sort will be built in the district of ST. GILES; to be
dedicated, however, in honour of ST. JAMES, the patron saint, whatever
his square may think, of ill-dressed church-goers. We are getting on in
matters of this kind. We are making a sort of railway progress. By and
by we shall have churches for different sets of people; first, second,
and third class churches. They will be churches of different orders, not
only architectural but social. Perhaps the third class won't be covered
in, and in that case it might be constructed on the simplest model of a
Greek Temple; the rather, as the whole arrangement would certainly look
somewhat pagan.
Matters being thus in train--rather on the broad gauge line, with an
inferior terminus, some may say--the adoption of steam-organs might be
suggested, together with the substitution of locomotives for clergymen,
as soon as scientific improvement shall enable us to construct such
engines, capable of performing their duties mechanically.
The Ragged Churches, we suppose, will be built of ragstone; the
pulpit-cushion, the altar-cloth, will be all rags. The clergy will
officiate in tatters; so as to preclude the possibility of any surplice
controversy, by rendering it impossible to tell what kind of vestments
they have on. The church will be ragged, the parson ragged, the
congregation ragged--all ragged together. Perhaps, also, the doctrine
ought, in a manner, to be ragged too; for, suppose the Church Triumphant
to correspond to the Church Militant, and it would be requisite to
preach a Ragged Heaven. And though there is one place for the poor and
another for the rich in this world, it will be well for the rich if
there is not one place for themselves and another for the poor in the
next.
* * * * *
HOW TO PROLONG THE LIFE OF A SECRET.
If a secret is a little weak, and looks as if it was likely to die,
there is nothing for recovering it equal to a cup of tea--but then the
tea must be administered by the hand of a lady, rather advanced in
years. After a cup or so, the secret will imbibe fresh strength, and
will be good for, at least, another ten years. N.B. This remedy has
never been known to fail, more especially if there happen to be two or
three elderly ladies present, and they take good care, at the time the
secret is recovering, to give the poor thing plenty of circulation.
* * * * *
THE AUTOCRAT'S ANTHEM.
For Law and Ruth, and Faith and Truth,
With my jackboot's heel I'll spurn 'em!
March, my Cossacks, o'er the Pruth,
_Non confundar in aeternum!_
Hot with blood-drouth from North and South,
Let my grim field-batteries thunder
Chorus from each iron mouth,
_In aeternum non confundar!_
No laurels grow in Russian snow,
Southwards I must look to earn 'em
By cheating friend and robbing foe--
_Non confundar in aeternum!_
Rich Jassy's plain I want for grain,
Bucharest I want for plunder;
I've knouts for all who dare complain--
_In aeternum non confundar!_
What treaties make for me, I take,
What against me make, I burn 'em;
I burrow where I cannot break--
_Non confundar in aeternum!_
With half the West in neutral rest,
T'other half in active blunder
('Tis hard to say which serves me best)--
_In aeternum non confundar!_
COUNT NESSELRODE my rights has showed;
Who to ridicule dares turn 'em?
I but claim debts most clearly owed--
_Non confundar in aeternum!_
A new crusade I preach to aid
Christians by vile Turks kept under,
Whom I'd convert by cannonade--
_In aeternum non confundar!_
PETER THE GREAT left words of weight
(All of ROMANZOFF race learn 'em),
Foreshadowing Russia's glorious fate;
(_Non confundar in aeternum!_)
Which is to be Suzerain in fee,
O'er all Europe's tracts, that sunder
The Baltic from the Euxine Sea.
(_In aeternum non confundar!_)
Me it doth irk, to see the Turk,
(_Abeit mox in infernum!_)
Set himself against this Holy Work--
(_Non confundar in aeternum!_)
Check with a lath a torrent's wrath,
If it sweep you off what wonder?
Such is the Turk who'd stop my path--
_In aeternum non confundar!_
Finland is ours; Denmark our powers,
Or has learnt, or soon shall learn 'em;
Poland beneath our Eagle cowers,--
(_Non confundar in aeternum!_)
The Euxine's gates are Russian straits;
(Thanks to English heads so dunder)
By us choked up the Danube waits--
_In aeturnum non confundar!_
Who checks my course? Use fraud and force--
Bribe 'em--beat 'em--brand 'em--burn 'em!
The Russian's God knows no remorse,
(_Non confundar in aeternum!_)
Forth with the sword, the knout, the cord,
Hang, and scourge, and hew asunder!
With rites like these while I'm adored--
_In aeturnum non confundar!_
* * * * *
A HOUSE MADE OF PAPER.
We read in _Household Words_ an account of a house sent over to
Australia, which was made, chimney-pots and all, entirely of paper. This
is not the first establishment of the kind that has been so constructed,
for looking at Austria, who never has any money, and is always begging
for money, may we not say that the House of Hapsburgh wouldn't be
standing at the present moment, if it wasn't for paper?
* * * * *
MODERN PHILOSOPHY.--The Gammon of BACON.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE STORY OF A PORTRAIT.
THE FIRST SITTING. FINISHED. EXHIBITED.]
* * * * *
MRS. JANE GIMLET ON "STRIKES."
"_Yeast Lane, Grinnidge, twenteseckundnowemberhatinfiftethre._
"HONNERD MISTUR PUNCH,
"Umbly thankin u for puttin of my last in blak an wite, wich it were red
in our lane an give grate satisfakshun, i make so bold as trubbel u wuns
more. In coorse, Surr, the prise of coles cant be unbeknown to u, wich
alone in this bitter wether is bad enuf, speshully to wan like me as
takes in a litel washin wich i will be appy to get up yours at a shillin
a dozzen, ceptin shirts an tabul linen, an have a good dryin ground an
no washin powders, wich is a destruction to fine fronts, used, but am in
consekens very subjick to goin out in the dryin ground without my
bonnet, an ave the plumbago an Asiatick panes in my hips werry bad. To
such as me dere coles is bad enuf, but wen they cum upon the quartern
lofe at ninepenshapeny, dips at hatepens, wich may seme a lite matter,
but is not, and all other things risin too for cumpany's sake, it makes
me wunder how JON an me an our siks shall hever get hover our merry
Krismas and appy new yere, and the frost an starvashun an all the hother
complemens of the seeson. An so the hother hevenin as me an JON an our
siks was all in bed afore our husiwal time, a goin to try if we could
dreme of a warm fire an a bit of supper wich as dremes mostly goes by
contrairies we wos werry like to do, I sez to JON sez I, Wot makes coles
so dere? Is it the LORD MARE a fetherin of his nest by taxin of em, an
callin it his dooty? If wun of his dooties is taxin pore peepul's coles,
I wunder wot the others is, I sez, or air the Turks an Rooshans a goin
to fite by steme? I sez, not that i thort so, but i wanted to cheer up
JON who were terribul cast down, poor feller!
"No, sez JON, it haint. Colliers have struk work and coles is riz
accordin. Then, i sez, its a burnin shame an i wont abear it. It haint
no ways strange that Turks an Rooshans who air heathens born should
squabbel and fite, an raise the price o' bred for they air savages an
'tis their natur so,' as DOCTOR WOTSISNAME sez in the him, but that sum
of our hone pore peepul as ave shared the bred of afflikshun with hus,
wen their worn't too much to share neither, an nose wot our sufferins
must be, should go an raise the price of coles upon hus, is agin all
natur. But, sez JON, colliers ave struk for wages an u cant blame them
for that. Indede I do JON, sez I, an I spoke hup for I new JON an his
mates wos thinkin of a strike. Indede I do, Wot good did strikes hever
do the pore? Tisnt honely in coles JON as strikes is goin on, but in
hother trades, and in hall on em tis the men and their wives an children
an not the masters as suffers. If the masters wanted the men werry much
as they wood if trade wos brisk they wood ave riz wages without a
strike, but hoffen an hoffen a strike helps masters to get rid of men
they don't want, but wouldn't like to turn hoff. Strikes makes coles
dere, and likewise heverything helse as the men gives hover makin. But
who gets the hextra price of the coles and the factory goods? Why the
masters that larf at the pore fules of men that air takin bred hout of
their famlies mouths and hout of hour mouths too, to put it hinto
theirn. But the men, JON, gets nothin by a strike, but time to lounge
about publicks, an spend their litel savins an spout their close an
things, an drors on their club till they brakes it, and praps jines a
riot an brakes the winders or the lor, an so gets theirselves into
prizzen, an their families into that ouse of bondage the workus. An here
I could speke no more for cryin, but woke our siks wich cried too,
speshully litel TOMEE, our heldest, as ave a broken chilblane, and air
frakshus, an so we cried hourselves to slepe, an I ope u will print this
letter that peepul may see were a strike falls hardest, and take warnin,
tho it be from ure umbel chareoman.
"JANE GIMLET."
* * * * *
"GOOD" OF THE GIBBET.
A miserable Creature stole a watch under the gibbet at the late hanging.
ALDERMAN HUMPHERY, on the Bench, said--"You came out to witness the
execution of a fellow-creature, but it does not appear to have done you
_any good_." How odd! Certainly, no good: for the thief, with his hand
upon the watch, only thought of time, the hangman vainly preaching
eternity.
* * * * *
WHEN!--When a woman listens to you, she is criticising you.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "PLEASE MARM, YER BONNET'S COMIN' OFF! PITCH US A COPPER
FOR TELLING YER."]
* * * * *
SCENES AT THE JUDGES' CHAMBERS.
The "grandeur of the law," however obvious it may be when represented by
ermine (at a guinea a yard) and horsehair (at fifteen shillings a pound)
in Westminster Hall, is certainly not very adequately supported at the
Judges' Chambers. These judicial tenements are situated in the vicinity
of Clifford's Inn, and are, every afternoon, the rendezvous of much of
the riff-raff of the attorneys' offices--for any seedy clerk is
considered qualified to "go before the Judge" at Chambers.
Even the Judge himself appears to adapt his costume to his company, for
the scarlet robe is usually superseded by the paletot, and those who see
dignity in the full-bottomed wig look for it in vain in the brown
scratch or the napless gossamer. The whole affair has the aspect of a
crowd just rushed out of Holywell Street, or preparing to make an
excursion to the Minories--an idea to which the abundance of Caucasian
noses lends encouragement.
* * * * *
AN IMPORTANT NOTE AND QUERY.
According to the return moved for by MR. HUME, we find that, including
Porters, and Gentlemen to Great Seal, Sealer and Deputy Sealer, Chaffwax
and Deputy Chaffwax, (what on earth _is_ a Deputy Chaffwax???) Clerk of
the Hanaper, and Deputy Clerk of the Hanaper, Ushers, Heralds, Garter
Kings at Arms, Purse-bearers, Marshals, Lord Chancellors, Engrossing
Clerks, Attorney-Generals, stamps, taxes, and other equally necessary
and indispensable persons, places, and things--the making of a Baron is
done for the trifling charge of L420. Thanks to MR. HUME, we are put in
possession of this Hume-orous document. But the most important question
to an Englishman remains unsolved; and MR. BULL requests us to make
inquiries, whether it will cost him this great sum before he can make
his appearance at the Royal table on Christmas Day next, as a Baron of
Beef?
* * * * *
A TALLEYRANDISM.--The worst form of borrower is he who borrows with the
intention of repaying, for you know he intends to borrow again.
* * * * *
VISIT OF THE THAMES AND MEDWAY
TO THE
ROYAL COMMISSIONERS OF THE CITY.
The inhabitants of Parliament Street were lately thrown into a state of
great excitement by the appearance of a lady and gentleman, who came out
of one of the lanes leading from the river, and asked every one whom
they met to show them where the Royal Commissioners were sitting. The
gentleman, who rather surlily informed the too curious crowd that he was
FATHER THAMES, was attired in a quaint and singular garb. "All round his
head" he wore, not merely "a green willow," but a profusion of reeds,
rullies, and osiers, whilst his feet and legs were thickly coated with
mud and sand, which made one of the bystanders (a Common Councilman on
his way to the Commissioners) observe, that "the stranger's lower
extremities were most in need of the _hosiers_." His waist was garnished
by a quantity of bricks, beams, planks, and piles, strung round him
without any regard to order or symmetry, and, by their bulk and weight,
greatly impeding his progress. He carried his well-known urn under his
arm, like an opera hat; but, on passing a window in which RANSOME'S
Patent Filters were exposed for sale, he looked wistfully at them, and
observed to his companion, that he should like to swop the urn against
one. A Kentish farmer (one of a deputation who had been explaining to
the Home Secretary the connection between the Bank Charter and the
disease in the hops) recognised in the lady an old friend named MEDWAY,
who is in the habit of staying on his estate for some months in every
year. She had dressed her head with wild-flowers of every hue; her gown
"was a blue watered silk; and from her waist hung, by way of
_chatelaine_, a string of locks. A number of keys graced her companion's
girdle", but we are unable to say if his quays belonged to her locks.
Upon the introduction of these illustrious characters to the Royal
Commission the usual question--"Have you anything to say about the
Corporation?"--was put to them, and FATHER THAMES at once gave his
evidence, in his usual flowing style:
"Had for many years been committed to the care of the Corporation, but
had received at their hands nothing but ill treatment. Remembered that
many aquatic plants once adorned the whole course of his stream. Had
been told by worthy MASTER CAMDEN that those curious botanists, DR.
PLUKENET and MR. DOODY, found on the Thames at Westminster, bitter
cresses, the three-cornered bulrush, the water reed grass with an
oat-like pannicle, and a great pond-weed with pellucid leaves. Believed
that the same locality could not now produce a reed worth a rush.
Remembered that salmon, lampreys, mullet, and other fish, used to ascend
his stream above Westminster, until the Corporation suffered that stream
to be polluted by various abominations. Never saw any fish now,
excepting those which were thrown in, dead, by the clerk of the markets.
Had heard of Whitebait; but had never seen any. Believed them to be no
fish--but a composition of lard, flour, and gold-beaters' skin. Had some
Swans still, but they never sang now. Did not think any one would listen
to them if they did, as 'The Song of the Turtle' had superior
attractions. Remembered to have heard three of them singing 'Water
parted from the Sea,' to MR. POPE, one evening, at Twickenham. On
another occasion, had heard TAYLOR, the Water Poet, trying to teach them
'A Boat, a Boat unto the Ferry.' Believed they ceased to sing when the
City gave up its poet laureate. Thought there should be Writers to the
Cygnet in London, as well as in Edinburgh, but they must not write in
Scotch, as the swans would sing no Scotch song, except, perhaps, "Wha'll
buy Caller Herrin?" Had not seen a Naiad for many years, and thought the
last had emigrated to Ball's Pond, and set up as a clear starcher. Had
been much reduced in size by these and other troubles, but regretted to
say the Corporation had taken advantage of his diminished channel to
build upon his sides. Had been accused of shifting his bed. So would the
Corporation, if their bed had been filled with mud and shingle. Thought
they should have kept his bed cleaner. Would like to alter the old
proverb, for their benefit, and wished that 'as they had made his bed,
so they might lie in it.'"
FATHER THAMES having concluded his evidence, his sister MEDWAY was about
to offer her statement of grievances, when an usher announced that the
WATER BAILIFF was coming up stairs. Upon which the two rivers, with,
fear and perturbation in their countenances, scuttled out of a side door
in dread of meeting that terrible functionary.
* * * * *
A BAD SPEC.
News has arrived that "the Russians had invested Giurgevo, but were not
strong enough to attack." We can only say that the "investment" must
have been rather an unprofitable affair.
* * * * *
THE EXCHANGE CHIMES.
[Illustration: M]
MR. PUNCH is happy to announce that the difficulties which have so long
prevented the Royal Exchange Chimes from being completed have been
removed, and that the following airs, appropriate to the present
condition of City politics, will immediately be heard from the GRESHAM
tower. The contractor gives hopes that the new year will be played in by
them.
THE DAYS OF OTHER MAYORS.
AIR.--"_The Light of other Days._"
The days of other Mayors have faded,
And Aldermen are past;
The Cit who hopes to do as _they_ did,
Is hoping much too fast.
For London dooms the clique to ruin.
She'll mind her own affairs;
And the Mansion House see no renewing
The days of other Mayors.
* * *
THOSE GRESHAM CHIMES.
AIR.--"_Evening Bells._"
Those GRESHAM Chimes, those GRESHAM Chimes!
They take us back to TUDOR times,
When Merchant Princes felt no shame
To bear a civic magnate's name.
That name has sunk below disdain,
No GRESHAM dons the civic chain,
A Merchant Prince as soon would wear
The garb of Beadle as of Mayor.
But Mayors and such will soon be gone,
A new _regime_ is coming on;
We'll hope to hear, in better times,
Some GRESHAM hailed by GRESHAM Chimes.
* * *
THE CURFEW.
AIR.--"_The Curfew tolls the knell of parting day._"
The Curfew tolls the knell of those whose day
Is done--those greedy "creatures on our lee"--
Woe to the burly phalanx so _au fait_
At hiding callipash and callipee.
E'en GOG himself looks lively with affright,
And MAGOG scarce his spike-stuck weapon holds;
For CORNEWALL LEWIS sits, prepared to write,
And PATTESON an awful scroll unfolds.
* * *
LAMENT OF LORD MAYOR'S DAY.
AIR.--"_Woodpecker._"
I knew by the smile that derisively curled
On the PATTESON lip, that my downfall was near,
When he said, "I can't see the least use in the world
Of that gew-gaw procession you mount every year."
My half-hearted advocate feebly replied,
About wantonly sapping the customs of yore--
But I said, "If there's peace to be found in Cheapside,
I shan't be disturbing it many times more."
* * *
WHAT DO THE BELLS SAY?
The people want gardens, Says the bells of St. Martin's.
Townsfolk look palely, Says the bells of Old Bailey.
Not if they're rich, Says the bells of Shoreditch.
Then they come out to me, Says the bells of Chelsea.
Or with me take a bed, Says the bells of Hampstead.
But in close London dwellins Says the bells of St. Helen's.
How _do_ they draw breath? Says the bells of St. Faith.
Bless'd if I know. Says the Great Bell of Bow.
* * * * *
PENAL DANCING FOR THE PROTECTION OF WOMEN.
In a quadrille--composed, we think, by the ingenious M. JULLIEN--a
lively and diverting effect is produced by the cracking of a whip, which
forms an accompaniment of the tune which the company are supposed to
dance to.
WILLIAM CURTIS, a tailor, according to the Police Reports, was brought
the other day before the LORD MAYOR, at the Mansion House, for having
cruelly beaten and attempted to murder his wife; who stated on
evidence--which was corroborated by a policeman--that he ripped up her
stays with a penknife, took the bone out of them, and beat her with the
bone till it broke in three pieces; then beat her with her hair-brush,
dragged her out of bed, tried to strangle her, and beat her again with a
large square-cut stick--declaring that if she dared to call out for
assistance he would dance upon her body.
The quadrille above-mentioned supplies a hint in regard to MR. CURTIS'S
notion of a dance. MR. WILLIAM CURTIS is an uneducated man. He has not
been taught how to behave himself to the gentler sex. He wants a little
instruction in deportment, to which dancing should be added, as his
ideas concerning that accomplishment are evidently barbarous. MR. CURTIS
should have been sent to MR. CALCRAFT'S Dancing Academy, and there have
been taught to dance with fettered heels to the smack of the lash
resounding on his own bare back.
The LORD MAYOR consigned MR. CURTIS to Holloway Prison and hard labour
for six months, to give him, as his Lordship said, an opportunity for
reflection and repentance. But the dancing lessons--two, or even three,
perhaps, would not have been too many--were wanting to render the
reflection profitable and the repentance sincere. They would have given
him an opportunity for reflecting on the nature of stripes and blows,
and for repenting of having inflicted such injuries on a woman.
Another tailor, JAMES WRIGHT, also brought before the LORD MAYOR on the
same day for the like offence, had hit his wife twice on the head with a
sleeveboard, cutting open her skull in three places, had struck her with
his fist in the face, and continued to knock her about for three or four
minutes. At the Thames Police Office, likewise on the same day, JAMES
CROPLEY, a Lancashire collier, was charged with committing an assault
upon his wife, which consisted in felling her to the earth by dealing
her a blow in the face with a heavy stick that knocked her nose flat.
Six months' imprisonment and hard labour only, were the sentences on
these gentlemen also. No blame to the MAYOR or the Magistrate. The law
at present unfortunately does not empower them to enter such savages at
the School of Correction for the extra of penal dancing.
Since these cases, others of similar atrocity have occurred, and
continue to occur so frequently as to suggest the existence of a
downright mania for wife-beating. In other forms of mania the whip has
happily been disused; but it is the only cure for this. There is clearly
no other help. Cure?--preventive we should rather say. Dastards--with
the fear of the scourge before their eyes--have ceased to assail the
Royal person, and would very soon begin to respect that of the mere
female subject. Thus the possibility of being whipped would restrain
them from rendering themselves liable to whipping; a consideration which
quite conquers the repugnance one feels at the thought of lashing a
human being--if such a phrase can be applied to a brute. Whipcord,
therefore, would never, probably, have to whistle, or thong to crack, to
the howl of any such ruffian after all: but, if occasion were given for
such music, we must say our ears would not be too delicate to bear it.
The present HOME SECRETARY is evidently determined to keep his
department in order, and may doubtless be depended upon for making Home
tolerable to a poor woman, in as far as he can, by warranting her such
protection as a cat-o'-nine-tails can afford against the ferocity of a
brutal husband.
* * * * *
THAT'S THE WAY THE MONEY GOES.
A law-suit has lately been reported in all the papers, with the
appropriate heading of "MONEY _versus_ MONEY." Considering that law is
generally the madness of many for the gain of the few--namely the
lawyers--we think Money against Money would be a good title to almost
every cause that is tried.
* * * * *
THE LORDSHIP OF LONDON.
The pageant of the "LORD OF MISRULE" was one of the zanyisms of the
middle ages. The thing, if not the name, still survives in the LORD
MAYOR'S Show.
* * * * *
A DECIDED FOOL.--The man is a fool who, when asked for his candid
opinion, gives it.
* * * * *
THE SCOTCH PEERAGE IN PERIL.
[Illustration: S]
Scotland, having begun to complain of its wrongs, seems in danger of
being inundated by incessant showers of grievances. We cannot be
surprised that Scotland should itch to have her injuries redressed; and
we have now another to add to the long catalogue of complaints that have
recently issued from the North Britishers. The following paragraph from
the _Spectator_ of last week brings to light a new calamity:--
"The floor of the picture gallery in Holyrood Palace is become so
rotten and unsafe, that when Peers assemble to elect a
representative, the greatest caution is requisite to prevent
disaster. The Commissioners of Woods and Forests are about to
provide the proper remedy of a new floor."
It is evident from the above account, that there is something very
rotten in the foundation which the Scotch Peers have to rest upon. It
would seem that when the Scotch lairds assemble to elect a
representative, they are obliged to "tread softly," not because theirs
is "hallowed ground," but because it is crumbling away like the
rottenest specimen of a Pierage which the banks of the Thames, with its
tottering tiers of worn-out barges, could furnish. We can imagine the
heavy Scotch Peers proceeding to an election with such caution, as to be
compelled to avoid every hole in the floor, lest any of them should
inadvertently put their foot in it. We shall not be surprised to hear,
some day, that when the members had assembled on the floor of the house
for the despatch, of business, they went completely through with it.
* * * * *
THE "FUSION" OF THE BEERBUNG COUSINS.
(_From our Rotherhithe Correspondent._)