SCENE 3.--Same as first. Beautiful woman comes out in tears. "_He was

most courteous, but firm as the monumental adamant._" She enters the

carriage, and throws herself sobbing on the cushion. Policeman springs

in after her, and seating himself opposite, throws his bull's-eye full

on her face. "_My husband!_" "_Aye, wrrrretched woman. Drive on_,

JEEMES." (In a voice of thunder.) "HOME!" (With intense irony,) "_Your_

home, Madam; yours, _once loved_ CORONETTINA."

* * * * *

ACT TWO.

The House of Commons. Very full. Cries of "_Order, order!_" Clamour

increases, and no one can be heard. Fifty Members on their legs, trying

to speak. LORD JOHN RUSSELL springs upon the table and gesticulates

violently; but all that can be heard from him, is "_Obleege_," and

"_Constitution_." MR. DISRAELI dashes his hand furiously upon the Green

Box, which gives way, and all his oranges roll out. Scramble and comic

business. LORD NAMBY MACPAMBY rises; dressed in the extreme of fashion,

and also extremely tipsy. Terrific cries of "_Spoke, spoke!_" The

Chairman of Committees falls on his knees and pleads for silence, but

sinks beneath the volley of blue books, votes, and bills, instantly

hurled at him from all the Members. Suddenly the SPEAKER rushes in,

seizes the mace, and lays about him on every side. Members are knocked

over one another. Tremendous confusion! Fights!--and Curtain.

* * * * *

ACT THREE.

The Editor's Ante-Chamber. Several of the Ministers waiting to see him;

some with glittering stars, blue ribbons, &c. A door opens (centre), and

an eminent Stockjobber is kicked into the middle of the scene, and

falls--a huge bag of sovereigns in each hand. Bags burst, and the gold

strews the stage. "_I offered L500,000 for leave to put in one

article._" Proud tribute to the British Press. Porters sweep up the

gold, and throw it out at window, and the Stockjobber after it. Enter

LORD ASTERISK dragging the beautiful lady. "_Ha! you here, my lords! But

'tis well. She appealed to the "Times" and I have brought her hither._"

Lady on her knees--back hair down. "_I am innocent--indeed I am

innocent._" "_I am not to be juped, Madam._" "_I swear it._" "_I believe

you not. Your adorers, in disguise, have been staining the pure streets

of our proud Metropolis with ruffianism. But in vain, Madam._" "_In

vain! Wretched me!_" "_Now by all that is sulphureous_"--(he draws the

sword usually worn by the British aristocrat)--"HOLD!!!" Awful

appearance of the EDITOR. "_Mistaken nobleman! She came but to save her_

BROTHER, LORD NAMBY MACPAMBY. _He has spoken in the House to-night, and

knowing what a dreadful fool he is, she wished his speech suppressed,

that_ your brother-in-law's _idiotcy might not be published all over the

world_." "_Her brother! And those Guardsmen!_" "_Her cousins._" "_Ow!

ow! ow! Can you forgive me_, CORONETTINA?" "_Am I not your wife,

dearest?_" The EDITOR, moved, tears up LORD NAMBY MACPAMBY'S speech.

"_One husk will not be missed amid so much chaff._"

* * * * *

AFFECTING DENOUEMENT!

[Illustration: "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"]

* * * * *

LESSON FOR INNOCENT CABMEN.

Sing a song of Sixpence,

"A pocket-full!" says I.

Four-and-twenty farthings?

That's all my eye!

But my eye was opened--

A summons he did seek;

And wasn't that a pretty case

To bring before the Beak?

The Beak was on his judgment-seat

A fining swell coves money;

And _Punch_ was perch'd 'longside him,

Grinning precious funny.

FITZROY had, in the Commons,

Been pickling us a rod;

And off went the prison van,

And took me to Quod!

* * * * *

THE ROAD IN 1853.

The days of the Highwaymen are over: but that need not be lamented by

the admirers of the robbers of the good old times. The Highwaymen have

been succeeded by the Railwayman.

* * * * *

THE FETALIST.

The First Emperor left behind him a "NAPOLEON Book of Fate."

The Second Emperor promises to enrich the history of France with a

"NAPOLEON Book of Fetes."

* * * * *

TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.--The man who believes too little may be safer

than the man who believes too much; but it is a question if, through

life, he knows half as much pleasure.

* * * * *

RUSSIAN IMPUDENCE.--A celebrated Diplomatist who lisps a little, being

asked to define Russian Impudence, answered very significantly "Why,

ith's beyond PRUTH!"

[Illustration: PUNCH'S MEDAL FOR A PEACE ASSURANCE SOCIETY]

* * * * *

BREAKING-UP DAY AT WESTMINSTER.

[Illustration: A GENERAL STRIKE.]

The Director-General of the St. Stephen's establishment, _Mr. Punch_,

proceeded, in one cab, to Westminster Hall, and, desiring a chair to be

placed for him upon the top of the flight of steps at the further end,

commanded that the gentlemen of the Upper and Lower Schools should

forthwith attend him, for the purpose of hearing his opinion of their

general and individual conduct, preparatory to their being dismissed for

the holidays. It is needless to say that his orders were instantly

complied with, and that the Westminster Boys at once assembled before

him. The only exception was in the case of MASTER SIBTHORP, who sturdily

refused to come, and for whom a policeman was dispatched. MASTER

SIBTHORP expended much abuse, and several quotations from the Eton

Grammar, upon the officer, but was ultimately brought in, and placed

within convenient reach of _Mr. Punch's_ cane. _Mr. Punch_ then spoke as

follows:--

"MY BOYS,

"You have had a long half, but it is over, and I am glad to dismiss you

for your vacation. The word vacation, SIBTHORP, is derived from the

Latin, and originally signifies emptiness, for an illustration of which

I will refer you to the head of the gallant member for Lincoln, or to

the heads of those who can be such donkeys as to elect him. My boys, I

am, generally speaking, satisfied with your conduct during the half.

"BOYS OF THE UPPER SCHOOL,

"I rejoice to find a marked improvement in the way you treat your

themes. Your elocution is still open to amendment. I commend your

regular adherence to the beneficial habit of early rising. I would

caution you against quarrels amongst yourselves, arising from the use of

intemperate speech or inapt quotation (_Masters_ DERBY _and_ OXFORD

_blushed_); and I would remind you that no social position occupied by

your papas and mammas exempts any of you from the duties which are

imposed upon others (_Master_ WINCHELSEA _began to cry_). But, as a

whole, you have pleased me this year, and I will add that the politeness

with which you behave to ladies who may look in upon the establishment

reflects great credit upon you, not unincreased by contrast (_Sensation

among the Lower School_).

"ABERDEEN, you are leader of the school, and I could wish you to display

more energy. I applaud your love for a peaceful life, but remember that

there is one thing better than peace, and that is, honour. In the map of

Russia, which you have drawn, you have not defined the boundaries

strongly and well, and you do not seem to know where Turkey begins and

Russia ends. You will lose credit unless you exert yourself.

"MALMESBURY, your English is exceedingly bad, and your logic very

unsatisfactory. I understand that you are proud of your intimacy with a

French person, who at one time bore no good character. Take care, sir.

And be more guarded in your assertions as to what feats you have

accomplished, and of which I find few traces in the school records.

"LANSDOWNE, I give you much credit for having just exerted yourself to

put down the practice of smoking--the rather, as you have reached an age

at which you are entitled to all due indulgence. You are a very

excellent member of the school, and I wish you regarded as a model.

"MONTEAGLE, you talk a great deal too much in school hours, and are said

to busy yourself in matters with which you have no concern. You have

been a lucky boy--be an agreeable one.

"BOYS OF THE LOWER SCHOOL,

"I am sorry to have had to expel so many of your number this half, but I

hope it will be a warning. Once for all, I will not permit you, by gifts

of money or beer, to induce your inferiors to misconduct themselves for

your gratification. I can use no adequate word of contempt for the

meanness which sought to shift the guilt upon servants. In other

respects I am tolerably satisfied with most of you. A good deal of work

has been done, but there is far too much talking in the establishment,

and you keep people out of their beds looking after you at hours when

you ought to be asleep. I hope to have different reports next half.

"RUSSELL, I am glad to see you the leader of the school. I was pleased

with your conduct to the Jew boys, whom I still intend to place in the

school. I am sorry you have done next to nothing in the way of helping

the education of those under you. However, as you have given me a large

promise of reform for next half, I shall say no more.

"GLADSTONE, you deserve the highest praise for your proficiency in

arithmetic, and for your gentlemanly conduct. Some of your companions

hint that you talk rather too much. I do not impute this to you, but you

will consider for yourself whether the allegation is justified. The way

you have got through all duties is admirable.

"CARDWELL, I shall give you a well-deserved navigation prize, so you

need not be quite so solemn.

"STAFFORD, the painful exposure I was compelled to make of your conduct

would have prevented my referring to it again, but that I understand you

and some of your friends have been swaggering, and declaring that you

had escaped unpunished. Beware, Sir, that I never again hear your voice

in the school, in which I only permit you to remain because I believe

that you were made the tool of bigger and worse boys.

"FITZROY, I am sorry to see that you are not looking well. Take care of

yourself in the country, and be assured, my boy, that I shall not forget

the spirited way in which you protected those poor women from their

husbands' brutality, or the very proper chastisement you gave to the

insolent cabman.

"LUCAS, you are a foolish lad. Instead of enjoying the rational and

manly liberty of your companions, you cripple your mind with silly

stories and legends, and do not take your meals regularly. I hear, too,

that you are very ignorant of the history of Rome, which you appear to

have learned at second-hand from some monkish book in dog-Latin. You are

no credit to your class, Sir, and I believe I have told you before that

you are Lucas, _a non lucendo_.

"BROTHERTON, I applaud you for trying to get the school to bed by

midnight, but you want perseverance, and let yourself be put down by any

one who opposes you. If you are right and know it, never give way. Be

firm, or you will not carry your objects--you cannot bolt a door with a

boiled carrot, as you, as a vegetarian, ought to know.

"PALMERSTON, you are a very spirited, gentlemanly, thoroughly English

fellow, in whom I have the utmost confidence. All that you have done

this half has been excellent. I believe it would give everybody pleasure

to see you at the head of the school, and it rests with yourself whether

you will be so or not. _Excelsior_, my good boy. By the way, I have of

course nothing to do with your amusements, but I observed you gave

MASTER CORDEN a tremendous back fall the other day. It has shaken him a

good deal, but he richly deserved it for the sneaking way he came to the

scratch.

"SIBTHORP, as you say that you consider it an honour for me to notice

you, why do you not so conduct yourself that what is certainly an honour

to you may be a pleasure to me? (SIBTHORP _burst into tears_.) There,

don't cry, you know I am never seriously angry with _you_.

"BOYS ALL,

"You may now go into your respective schools, and wait there until your

monitors announce to you that vacation has begun."

* * * * *

THE LAND SCREW STEAM COMPANY.

We believe the General Screw Steam Shipping Company is connected with

the Port of Southampton. It may not be generally known that there exists

another Screw Steam concern in connexion with that same good town. We

mean the South-Western Railway, which, particularly by its arrangements

respecting the Camp at Chobham, and the Review at Spithead, appears to

have decidedly adopted the principle of the Screw.

* * * * *

A MAN WALKS--A LADY RIDES.

A man should never object to exercise, for the gentleman is always

distinguished by his walk; but there is this excuse to be made for a

woman who takes but little exercise--that the lady is immediately known

by her carriage.

* * * * *

[Illustration: MR. PUNCH PAYS A FINAL VISIT TO THE CAMP, AND TAKES OFF

HIS HAT TO A RATHER GLORIOUS OLD RAG.]

* * * * *

FIGHTING FREWEN AND SOBER SHELLEY.

There appeared a chance a few days ago, that certain Members of

Parliament would, instead of shooting the grouse, have the more exciting

sport of shooting one another. SIR JOHN SHELLEY very properly refuses to

be drawn into either a murder or a breach of the peace; and quietly

refers MR. FREWEN'S furious correspondence to MESSRS. TYRRELL, PAINE,

and LAYTON, who are, we presume, SIR JOHN'S solicitors.

A "little quarrel" with a legal firm may be less agreeable to one whom we

fear we must call Fighting FREWEN, than a personal _rencontre_ with the

Member for Westminster. A fight with a forensic antagonist in

Westminster Hall is more formidable than a little harmless

pistol-popping at Chalk Farm; and the powder of a barrister's wig is

more dangerous to be set in agitation than the common gunpowder of

commerce.

Poor FREWEN is evidently much nettled at finding that SIR JOHN SHELLEY

won't fight, and in the desperate endeavour to stir up the unwilling

baronet, tries the old cab-driver's dodge of calling after him "No

gentleman!" We must say we cannot congratulate MR. FREWEN upon having

got the best of the matter in either spirit, taste, or argument; for

there is something more dignified in SIR JOHN SHELLEY'S request to be

"excused from answering any further letters," than in MR. FREWEN'S

coarse wind up of "Call yourself a gentleman!"

* * * * *

A NEW LACTOMETER.

A great philanthropist, and distinguished man of the world, has invented

a new Lactometer for testing the milk of human kindness. We believe it

is exceedingly simple, and consists principally of a plain sheet of

paper--not unlike, in size, a page torn out of a banker's cheque-book,

but having a Government Stamp in the corner of it. It is the size of

this stamp that determines the quantity of milk of human kindness. The

larger the stamp the greater the supply of milk. The test rarely fails,

excepting with lawyers, guardians, step-fathers, and others, whose hardy

natures are well known not to be largely imbued with the softening

lacteal properties of human kindness. The philanthropist intends taking

out a patent for his ingenious invention.

* * * * *

A GANGWAY JOKE.

MR. HAYTER, the Whipper-in, was supposed by the Members of Parliament to

be very unfortunate with his servants, for during the past session, he

was always going about trying to get a House made.

* * * * *

A RAP FOR THE CZAR.--A great deal of base gold coin is in circulation,

but the worst Sovereign that has come before the public lately is the

EMPEROR OF RUSSIA.

* * * * *

[Illustration: A BATH AT BOULOGNE.

APPALLING POSITION OF MR. AND MRS. TOMPKINS, WHO HAD A JIB HORSE WHEN

THE TIDE WAS COMING IN.]

* * * * *

FUMIGATION OF THE THAMES.

Tobacco fumes are unpleasant to the majority of ladies. Nevertheless, we

must protest against the prohibition of smoking abaft the funnel on

board Thames steamers. The other day we were ascending the river in one

of these vessels, seated in that quarter of it, when a youth, who was

indulging in a Pickwick to the windward of us, was caused to transfer

himself and his enjoyment forwards. No sooner had he gone away with his

smoke, than our nostrils were assailed by the vilest of odours; a breath

from the open mouth of a sewer on the opposite bank. This was just as we

were passing the ARCHBISHOP'S Palace at Lambeth; and we could almost

have imagined that DR. SUMNER had been at work purifying the Church, and

had rendered its abuses palpable to the olfactory sense; in such great

indignation were our nostrils at the perfume emitted in the

neighbourhood of his Grace's premises. We wished our young friend back

again with his "weed," the fragrance of which we very much prefer to

that of metropolitan tributaries to the Thames: and until that stream is

somewhat dulcified, we should think that even ladies would approve of

universal fumigation on board its boats.

* * * * *

THE ENEMY.

The question of Peace has been carried in Europe, _nem. con._ BRIGHT,

feeling peacefully inclined, said he should like all war-questions to be

met and decided by a similar enemy; and, being asked by COBDEN "What

enemy?"--he eloquently replied, "A-_n-emine contradicente_."

* * * * *

WHAT YOU MAY HEAR IN A BELL.

A curious old philosopher of our acquaintance says:--"I can always tell

what kind of masters and servants there are in an establishment by the

way in which the bell is rung and answered. If the bell is rung sharply,

or snappishly, or at all loudly, I say to myself, You are hard masters,

impatient, intolerant, making no allowances, and always expecting a

thing to be done before it is even asked for, and my suspicions are

generally verified by their ringing the bell a second time more loudly

than the first; and if the servants take a long time in answering the

bell, I say to myself, You are bad servants, either lazy or pampered, or

spoilt by too much indulgence, and evidently taking but little interest

in your master's wishes. It is a sure sign that there is not much peace

or comfort to be met with in the house where the master rings several

times for everything he wants; and where the servants require the bell

to be rung twice before they think of answering it."

* * * * *

A NAVAL BLUNDERBUSS.

We are sorry to notice an anachronism in a popular review. We mean the

review at Spithead. A gun was used in the fleet, called--we cannot say

christened--the "NELSON AVENGER." Now NELSON has been sufficiently

avenged; if insufficiently honoured: whatever account of vengeance may

have been owing to him was settled at the time; though our debt of

gratitude to him may be eternal. Posterity has no revenge to take on

Posterity: and a gun only meant to rake the rigging of our enemies

should not be so named as to rake up animosities with our friends.

* * * * *

FAREWELL TO THE CAMP.

A LYRIC FOR THE 20TH AUGUST, 1853.

(_From_ COWPER.)

[Illustration: T]

The Camp has departed!--farewell the parade,

And the earth-shaking march of the stern Colonnade[3]

The bands play no longer from manuscript leaves,

Nor detectives prowl stealthily watching the thieves.

The City of War, which immense fun we've had in

Is fled like the palace that flew with ALADDIN;

And musketry's crack, and artillery's roar

Astonish the echoes of Chobham no more.

The Lancer in scarlet, the Rifle in green,

And the Horse-guard in blue, have abandoned the scene;

And we've witness'd the last of the blood-stirring frays

Where gallop'd in glory those terrible Greys.

No longer in toothsome libation is spilt

The Dew that is dear to the sons of the kilt;

No longer falls plashing in pleasantness here,

The frothy cascade of the black British beer.

O! Chobham Olympics, your games are all done,

The last close is wrestled, the last race is run,

The stone's "put" away, to the leap-frog there's truce,

And the ultimate caber is pitched to the deuce.

Rejoice in thy stable, thou omnibus steed!

For thee the campaign-times were wiry indeed.

No more shalt thou toil on that villanous road;

With a cargo of snobs for thy heart-breaking load.

Weep, rascally drivers of ramshackle flies,

Adieu your extortions, your sauce, and your lies,

Farewell to that Station, the cheating point where

You've so oft charged a pound for a two shilling fare.

Well, everything passes: a Camp like the rest,

But this ends while its novelty still has a zest;

And we're free to confess that we see with regret

The Flutters Hill's sun, like the Austerlitz, set.

Here's a health to the officer--liner or guard--

Who with CAMBRIDGE and SEATON has laboured so hard.

Here's a health to his men, whose good looks and good will

Did such excellent credit to messman and drill.

The object was good, and the object is gained,

Right sound is the teaching the troops have obtained;

And we'll mark that M.P. for a short-sighted scamp

Who grudges one mil for the Chobhamite Camp.

[Footnote 3:] A Colonnade is that which consists of columns. The

British Army consists thereof. Therefore the British Army is a

Colonnade.--WALKER.

* * * * *

NUMBER ONE AND NUMBER TWO.--The first time a woman marries it is

generally to please another; but the second time it is invariably to

please herself.

* * * * *

THE INQUISITION AT MALTA.

Here is a pretty dish that was to have been set before the QUEEN:--

"Whosoever, during the performance of the sacred functions or

ceremonies of the Church of the country, the Roman Catholic

Apostolic Church, the maintenance and protection of which, in its

present position, are secured by law, and guaranteed by the British

Crown, shall disturb the same with violence or with intent to

profane, whether within or without places appointed for public

worship, shall be punished with imprisonment, from seven months to

two years."

According to MR. I. BUTT this passage is contained in the 50th Clause of

the amended Maltese Criminal Code which has been coolly sent to this

country for the sanction of HER MAJESTY.

No doubt a person who should wantonly interrupt a congregation of

Mormonites, or even of dancing Dervishes, engaged in their devotions,

would deserve to be punished; of course, therefore, there is no

complaining of a law which avenges interference with Roman Catholic

rites and ceremonies--those rites and ceremonies not going quite so far

as the rite of cremation and the ceremony of an _auto-da-fe_.

It is also indubitable that the adherents of the Romish Church have a

perfect right to call their persuasion Catholic and Apostolic, or

anything else they please, and hold that assertion against all comers,

by all means: except, we will say, by means of fire and sword.

But to propose the recognition of the Roman Catholic Church, as

Apostolical, to the QUEEN OF ENGLAND, is--without reference to

polemics--richly absurd: since HER MAJESTY holds her royal seat on the

very condition of constantly protesting--right or wrong--that the Roman

Catholic Church is no such thing.

If _Mr. Punch_ were in Malta, writing under this same amended criminal

code, he would have to take care how he pointed out any Roman Catholic

absurdity. He is informed by MR. NEWDEGATE,

"That the 54th Clause declared it to be punishable to 'revile or

otherwise insult or ridicule any article of the Roman Catholic

Church.'"

Now there are other varieties of ridicule than burlesque, caricature,

horse-laughter, and making faces. There is the ridicule of the _reductio

ad absurdum_. It is possible to place a proposition in a ludicrous light

by showing that if it is true, it is a truth which is contrary to

another truth. In Malta, therefore, subject to the above clause, it

would be dangerous to assert the impenetrability of matter, or any other

fact in the nature of things inconsistent with any dogma of the papal

system: and if _Mr. Punch_ were not to mind what he was about, he might

get himself into trouble in like manner with that other buffoon,

GALILEO.

However, MR. KINNAIRD has procured the re-consideration of these penal

papisticalities: and Ministers will think twice before they advise HER

MAJESTY to stultify herself and sanction a Maltese Inquisition.

* * * * *

A HINT TO BELGRAVIA, TYBURNIA, CADOGANIA, &c. &c.

We hint to noblemen and gentlemen of (very) independent property, before

rushing out of town, that they should think of the numerous little bills

they leave behind them. They would not enjoy themselves any the less if

they discharged those little bills instead of making their tradesmen

wait six long empty-pocketed mouths for them. The probability is, even,

they would enjoy themselves all the more, knowing that they had left a

clear coast behind them, where they could always land with safety

whenever they wanted to escape from foreign pirates, and continental

sharks, sea and land robbers. We beg, (merely moved by a charitable

motive to add to their pleasures,) to draw up the following

advertisement for them, on the plan of the one issued at the end of the

season by the Directors of the Covent Garden Italian Opera:--

ALL persons having claims for the last season upon the RIGHT

HONOURABLE LORD TOM NODDY are requested, before he leaves for

Baden-Baden, Homburg, Wiesbaden, &c., where he is going to take the

usual annual course of _rouge et-noir_ and the mineral waters, to

send in their accounts immediately, and to apply on Saturday, the

27th inst., when they will be paid in full, as the RIGHT HONOURABLE

LORD TOM NODDY has no desire to increase the ducal revenues of any

German principality with money that belongs properly to his

creditors.--239, Belgrave Square.

* * * * *

TOO MODEST BY HALF.

Most of the illuminations in honour of the Emperor's fete at Paris,

displayed the glittering initials, N. E. This was only telling half the

truth. It wanted the addition of R. O. for the French nation clearly to

understand in whose honour the fete was given.

* * * * *

THE PEACEFUL MOOD.

(_As gone through by a real Member of the Peace Society._)

I shall, and will, fight

Thou shalt, and wilt, fight

He, or she, shall, and will, fight

We shall, and will, fight

You, or ye, shall, and will, fight

They shall, and will, fight.

[_To be repeated as often as the probability of a War springs up._

* * * * *

PLAIN UPON THE FACE OF IT.--Many persons are led by their vices as there

are many who are led by their noses: but there are a far greater number

who follow both without any leading at all.

* * * * *

ANOTHER DIETETIC RULE OF CONDUCT.--Never to send a servant out on an

errand after dinner, but _always a little before_. It is extraordinary

how very quick, in the latter case, he (or she) will return.

* * * * *

PEDESTRIANISM VERY EXTRAORDINARY.

[Illustration: T]

The _Wolverhampton Chronicle_ contains the following paragraph, highly

important to ladies:--

"THE WOMAN'S WALK.--MRS. DUNN'S pedestrian feat--walking 1,000 miles

in 1,000 hours--at Noah's Ark, Hartshill, continues to attract much

attention, great numbers of people visiting her. She has

accomplished about four-sixths of the task, and is very confident of

success."

It has been said with no less truth than vulgarity, that the walking of

womankind is all WALKER. Too generally, indeed, it resembles a mode of

progression adopted by the insect tribes, except in being performed with

two legs instead of several, or without any at all. All praise to the

exception to this rule presented by MRS. DUNN. We have not the pleasure

of being acquainted with either that lady or MR. DUNN, but sure we are

that she makes her husband a happy man if the health of his wife can

make a man happy; as of course it can or should: whereas her illness at

least makes him very much the reverse. By exercise in the open air is

acquired that soundness of condition, accompanied by mental serenity and

beauty of complexion which can never result from dancing in an

atmosphere of carbonic acid--the only purpose for which many, many

ladies use their legs. What MR. DUNN'S partner costs him for shoes, we

are sure he does not grudge, and he would be a fool if he did, for it is

much cheaper that she should walk him out a little leather than that she

should stand him in a large quantity of medicine: to say nothing of the

cabs and omnibuses which are frequently required to travel a hundred

yards or so by other wives.

* * * * *

BRITISH OBSEQUIES IN SPAIN

If you wish to save your Succession Duty, reform your Undertaker's

Bills. There is nothing to prevent you but the censure of the lowest

vulgar--the mob that does not think for itself: a mob composed of quite

as many well dressed persons as ragamuffins. Unfortunately, however,

this populace may be able to injure as well as hoot you; and that power

it will exercise if you do not conform to its idiotisms; one of which

is, the addition of upholstery to ashes, and drapery to dust.

It would therefore be a great boon to you--being a wise man, and

likewise an executor or a legatee charged with an interment--if your

expenditure were subject to be regulated by the subjoined ordinance:--

"In conveying dead bodies to the burial-ground every kind of pomp

and publicity shall be avoided."

They manage these matters better in Spain, you will say: for this is one

of the articles of a Royal decree that has been issued at Madrid.

But it is also ordained in the same decree, that

"No church, chapel, nor any other sign of a temple or of public or

private worship will be allowed to be built in the aforesaid

cemetery."

Now, the aforesaid cemetery is the Protestant cemetery. And it is

further declared that

"All acts which can give any indication of the performance of any

divine service whatever are prohibited."

The above regulations will be found in a Parliamentary paper recently

published, containing official correspondence between GENERAL LERSUNDI

and LORD HOWDEN, relative to the Protestant Cemetery aforesaid at

Madrid. The noble Lord's reply to the gallant officer will be found

highly satisfactory, as conveying to the Spanish Government the

assurance of that distinguished contempt for it, which is due to a set

of imbecile and miserable bigots--utensils of their priesthood.

One would really think that the clergy of Spain and almost all other

Roman Catholic countries were doing their very utmost to earn the crown

of martyrdom--not, however, for themselves, but for their ecclesiastical

brethren, together with all the lay partisans of Popery in Protestant

countries. They appear to be trying as hard as they can to prove that

the predominance of their religion is inconsistent with civil freedom.

The struggles, then, so perseveringly made, both in and out of

Parliament, to extend and establish an influence which, wherever it

prevails, is seen to issue in tyranny the most hateful; what can they be

considered but endeavours to spin cobwebs about our liberties? And have

we not every temptation to sweep away the spiders? Resist it, however:

resist it, MR. BULL: don't crush the poor creatures, but destroy their

webs.

* * * * *

THE CONCEIT OF THE WORLD.--"There isn't a mite" (says LAVATER), "but

what fancies itself the cheese."

* * * * *

"WE NEVER SELL OUR APPOINTMENTS."

(_Dedicated, without permission, to the Honourable Directors of the East

India Company._)

JOHN BRIGHT is a pestilent fellow,

Always ready for making a fight,

But of all his low bluster and bellow,

We East India Directors make light.

Some appointments (we do not mind telling him)

We do give away now and then,

But to go and accuse us of selling 'em!--

When we're all of us "hon'rable men!"

SIR JAMES HOGG from his place in the House

Repelled MR. BRIGHT'S imputation;

And showed all his usual _nous_

In insisting on investigation.

Such inquiry we've made as we can, Sir,

And we're ready to make it again,

To ask freely--when parties won't answer--

Proves clearly we're "hon'rable men."

In the first place our statutes declare

The sale of appointments illegal,

So of course to such sales none would dare

Directors to try and inveigle,

'T was done once--but though that was by _charity_--

The law on the case threw its ken,

And the row that was made proved the rarity

Of such practice 'mong "hon'rable men."

City men--we've our City connections--

(In this there is no impropriety)

We've the social and private affections

Which belong to our grade in society.

If I lay a man 'neath obligation,

Of course he'll oblige me again;

But we never take remuneration--

For we're all of us "hon'rable men."

If the daughter of one of our Board

(And such things have occurred in the body),

By winning the hand of a Lord

From MISS BLOGG become LADY TOM NODDY.

If young NODDIES have writerships handed 'em,

And young BLOGGS Treasury clerkships, what then?

Is BLOGG less, though JOHN BRIGHT may have branded him,

One of twenty-four "hon'rable men?"

As we're quite the commercial _elite_,

In the very first circles while moving,

If the dignified clergy we meet,

The occasion we're right in improving.

What delight for the son of a bishop

To provide, by a stroke of the pen!

In return--if a living he fish up

Why we're both of us "hon'rable men."

Even Cabinet Ministers often

Are proud to admit us as friends,

In those social enjoyments which soften

Official hauteur, till it bends:

What pleasure to give one's cadetships

To a hard-worked First Lord--and if then,

One's sons, now on half-pay, should get ships,

Does that prove us less "hon'rable men?"

As with other men's daughters and wives,

So with ours it is often a passion

(As the Bank or the Brewery thrives),

To shine in the regions of fashion;

For a chaperon countess's matronage,

Or a duchess's favouring ken,

A slice of one's Indian patronage,

Is no price among "hon'rable men."

Then let's hope that the scandal will never

Again with belief be received,

That for Indian appointments we ever

Dream of such thing as "Value received."

"Nought for nothing," of old was the motto,

And appointments were trafficked in then,

"All for nothing," is what we have got to--

We twenty-four "hon'rable men."

* * * * *

OUR TOURIST IN PARIS.

No. 1.

[Illustration: T]

The philosophic traveller leaves his native country in order to study

the manners of "our volatile neighbours." At the London Bridge Station

he finds a crowd of excited persons, evidently bent on the same object.

Every man has a passport in his breast-pocket, and is encumbered with

much unnecessary luggage, including the plate-chest, so indispensable to

the English gentleman's toilet. A foretaste of foreign sights is given

by groups of Frenchmen in beards and moustachios, wrapped in furred

garments of strange fashion, and overcome by nervousness at the varied

dangers which they are about to encounter. Your correspondent, with

proper indifference, reads _Punch_ and the evening papers all the way to

Dover. His companions are two anxious Gauls, a boy and his tutor, and a

party of exceedingly gay appearance and manners, who has no uniform rule

for the introduction or suppression of his h's. He is perhaps a

traveller in the button or hook-and-eye line.

At Dover the tourist is turned out into the dark with his companions,

and finds himself in the power of a band of bravoes, who share the

luggage between them, thrust us, the helpless owners, into narrow and

filthy dungeons on wheels, and then, reckless of prayers and menaces,

hold a council upon our fate. We are at length hurried off into deeper

gloom, and the plash of the ocean awakens indefinable apprehensions in

the breasts of all. But we wrong the band--they are honest as things go,

and will take ransom. A shilling, under pretence of an omnibus ride of a

hundred yards, satisfies one ruffian; a second shilling stays the wrath

of another, who in return mildly slides your portmanteau down a board

into the steamer. This vessel is fuming in great excitement at

everybody's confounded stupidity and slowness. "What on earth are you

waiting for?" it seems to say. "How can you possibly expect me to take

the letters in time? It's all very well for you, you know, but I'm a

public character, and have got a reputation to keep up. Don't stand

loitering there about those things. Pitch 'em in anyhow. Hang the

luggage. What's luggage to letters? You have no idea how important the

mail-service is. I know I'm very passionate, and if you don't come at

once I shall scream."

Ah! the last carpet-bag is in; the bell rings, the bad language

partially ceases, the mooring ropes are cast off, and the fussy old

animal is allowed to have her own way. The philosophic tourist finds his

companions of the train. The tutor is curled up under the table in the

cabin, which is full of sleepers, lying about in every direction like

great flies who have over-eaten themselves. The distinguished foreigners

have already become pale even at the tranquil heaving of the harbour

tide. The hook-and-eye man and the boy are smoking infamous cheroots,

drinking neat cognac, and making pointless jokes in a loud voice to the

steward. We are outside the pier. Your correspondent has no emotions. He

sees the cliffs of Albion diminish without a sigh--a regret. He does not

feel the poetry of the situation. He omits to quote _Childe Harold_ to a

gentleman's servant who kindly helps him on with a third great-coat. He

is perhaps brutal; yet he is not without some remains of human

sentiment. The greatest pleasure man can enjoy is to contemplate the

misfortunes of others. Accordingly, he visits the sick. The cabin has

become a hospital--a Pandemonium. To stay there is impossible, he

returns to the deck. Alas! the furry exiles are paying a bitter tribute

to the ocean. The happier ancients could propitiate NEPTUNE with a

horse. Now-a-days he has a fancy for human sacrifices, and will only lie

appeased by a portion of ourselves. HOOKS-AND-EYES has lost his

disposition to joke, regrets the brandy, curses the cheroot, and sits

down in gloomy silence. The youngster is jollier than ever, and chaffs

his discomfited friend, whom he pronounces in private an awful snob.

Meanwhile the swift steamship cuts through the hissing waves. A south

wind springs up, and we enjoy a pleasant variety of motion. To the

original regular dip and rise which tried so many, is now added a

jerking roll, occasionally amounting to a lurch. "_Ah ciel!_" gasp the

expiring Gauls. "Steward, steward!" yells HOOKS-AND-EYES, as he flies

across the deck seemingly by some supernatural impulse, and clings

convulsively to the lee bulwarks. "And they said we should have a good

passage," complain half a dozen other wretched beings, who make up a

party to occupy the same position. The philosopher and his young friend

pace the deck as well as they can, and hold sweet conversation. The

artless lad details his ancient lineage, his past at Eton, his future at

Oxford, and the Continental tour which, illustrated by the mild wisdom

of JENKINS, M.A., is to fill up the interval between the two. These

pleasant words make short the voyage. "Mark, my youthful acquaintance,"

says the philosopher, "mark the abject misery of these men. There are

Britons among them, but the first, the feeblest of them all are French.

Rejoice, therefore, for this malady is the Guardian Genius of our

shores. Here are coast-defences more stubborn than Martello towers, more

terrible than militia men, more vigilant even than a Channel fleet.

Figure to yourself an army of red-trowsered invaders in this state

offering to land on English shore, and bless the beneficent

dispensations of nature. And now, perhaps, you will do me the favour of

whistling _Rule Britannia_. Thank you."

[Illustration]

The lights of Calais become rapidly visible, the seas abate, the

groaning invalids recover their legs, the poor sick ladies come up from

the cabin; we glide into smooth water listening to strange cries from

the pier, and finally grate along the quay. We are welcomed to the

strand of France by _douaniers_ in green with round caps, and policemen

in blue with cocked hats and yellow shoulder-belts. We must try to

admire and love these men, for as long as we remain, they are fated to

be our constant companions. The dilapidated troop of travellers is

marched into a sort of condemned cell, whence a detachment disappears

from time to time to undergo the examination of their passports and

luggage. Here comes the first need of the French tongue. The miserable

foreigners recover something of their importance, and the Britons, proud

of their exemption from the troubles of the sea, begin to find that they

are mortal. HOOKS-AND-EYES, emboldened by excessive draughts of brandy,

which make him blink and walk unsteadily, becomes a public character by

the wonderful volubility with which he talks an idiom of his own,

perfectly unintelligible to the officials. He fancies, it would seem,

that he is speaking some Continental language. An hour--two hours--are

thus cheerfully spent, and we ultimately settle into a train which

ultimately starts. Sleep is rendered impossible by a tin box full of hot

water laid at the bottom of the carriage, which, though it certainly

warms your feet, brings your knees up to your chin, and at last amounts

to an instrument of torture.

The chill of dawn penetrates through voluminous wrappings, and the grey

light, as it gradually strengthens, renders visible the dreary face of

the country and the haggard unshaven countenances of the travellers. Our

young friend, however, is as fresh as a rose and as airy as a lark.

"Why, the sunrise is just like the sunrise in England, only not so fine.

My eye, look at those pigs! what tremendous legs they've got! That black

one is just like a greyhound; he might go for the Derby if he was in

condition. Look, there's a clod in wooden shoes. Ah! none of the

labourers in Leicestershire wear wooden shoes. That's what my governor

said at the last election, when we licked the Freetraders so. Nothing

like the British peasantry, their country's pride, when once--I forget

how it goes on. Why, they have not got any hedges, just fancy. That

isn't good farming, is it, MR. JENKINS?" That Master of Arts, who, under

happier circumstances, might have here given a quotation from _Virgil's

Georgics_, was meekly prostrate beneath the vicissitudes of travel, and

quite unable to reply. As we stop at occasional stations we see groups

of happy country people, the women in jackets and white caps, the men in

blouses, mounted in open cars, and laughing and jabbering without end.

Houses become more frequent--tall, slim, chilly-looking white

structures, with Venetian blinds outside each window. More careful

cultivation marks the proximity of a great market. Finally, we pass deep

ditches, low massive walls, not visible till you are close to them when

you see how enormous they are, a ragged suburb, and we are in Paris. A

fresh searching of luggage, a light one this time, for butter, eggs, and

cabbages, I believe, sets us free--that is, as free as any one can be

out of dear Old England.

The philosophic traveller here makes one reflection. What assurance a

man must have to bore the British public with the description of a

journey that every one has made, and knows as well as he does the

Greenwich Railway, or the route from Chelsea to the Bank!

* * * * *

ALARMING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.

[Illustration: A]

An accident, the consequences of which have proved more serious than was

at first anticipated, has occurred on the Lancashire and Yorkshire

Railway, the rails and sleepers of which had, we understand, been, for

some time previously, in an insecure condition. The result has been

damages to the amount of above L7,000, incurred by the Company at the

Northern Circuit Assizes for loss of life attributed to that state of

things. As the sufferers in this instance are directors, instead of

stokers or engineers, the calamity will perhaps prove a salutary lesson

to them, by teaching them to make better arrangements for the safety of

the public. Many of the victims, we believe, have wives and families, to

whom, however, it is not apprehended that their loss will prove

unusually distressing.

FURTHER PARTICULARS.

Since the accident, we are informed by our special contemporary, the

_Morning Post_, that the authorities of the Railway in question

"Have issued the following ticket, which passengers on their

dangerous line are required to sign, and which we here give word for

word as it is printed and issued by these liberal directors:--

"'This ticket is issued by the Company and accepted by the holder,

upon the express understanding and agreement that the Company are

not to be in any way held responsible to the holder, or his

representatives, for the consequences of _any accident, however

caused_, which may happen to the holder while travelling in any of

the Company's vehicles, or being at any of the Company's Stations.

It must be exhibited to the Company's Officers whenever required,

and any person using it other than the person named herein will be

liable to the same penalties as a passenger who does not pay his

fare.'"

We have no reason for supposing that the above agreement is a hoax,

which has been palmed off upon our contemporary, or that it is a joke at

the expense of those unfortunate people who have been already put to so

much. On our mind there is no doubt of its authenticity. We are sorry to

say we do not think it calculated to answer its purpose; which is to

insure the pockets of the Company against the consequences of those

awful accidents which are inevitable on an unsafe line. In the first

place, we are of opinion that it would not hold good in law. But even if

it were legal, it would only tend to obviate the pecuniary consequences

of accidents, by preventing the accidents from occurring; and that

simply by deterring the public from running the risk of them. To find a

Railway Company demanding to insure their property against his loss of

life or limb, as a condition to taking him as a passenger, is rather

calculated to reduce a man to a sense of the dreadful situation in which

he must place himself by venturing on their line. If they persist in

issuing this precautionary ticket, they might as well, for consistency's

sake, adorn their stations with death's heads and tombstone cherubim,

and cover their platforms with black cloth.

* * * * *

[Illustration: A FACT FOR "MURRAY."

London Cousin. "_See them things, Bill; them's what the swells in

Ancient Days put out their veeds with. Nobby move, wasn't it?_"]

* * * * *

GREAT SUCCESS OF CLAIRVOYANCE.

It is perfectly well known, and firmly believed by many of the gullible,

that some clairvoyants, by the mere inspection of a lock of a patient's

hair, are able to ascertain his complaint and also to prescribe for it,

without having acquired any knowledge of medicine. We are informed by a

person of quality, on whom we can depend, that a certain clairvoyant

having had a portion of hair shown to him the other day, instantly

pronounced the individual it had belonged to a lunatic, and recommended

that the whole head should be shaved. The declaration of the

somnambulist was remarkably verified, and the propriety of his advice

demonstrated, by the fact, that the individual who had owned the hair

turned out to be a gentleman who had been sending conscience money to

the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER "for omitted Income Tax."

* * * * *

A Present for Aberdeen.

The _Times_ correspondent writes that English sailors are dying,

poisoned by the miasma and mosquito bites at the mouth of the Danube,

blocked up by the atrocity of Russia. And what says ABERDEEN? Nothing.

We have heard of such visitors as a flea in one's ear; now, by way of a

memento of dying British tars, we wish LORD ABERDEEN had just one

mosquito in his night cap.

* * * * *

SEA SNIPS.

Battle steamers will, perhaps, in one sense of the word, be correctly

denominated Navy tailors, in consequence of cutting out men of war.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "_Oh!! Look'ee here, Sir, here's a warm long enough to

last you a fortnight._"]

* * * * *

OUR HONEYMOON.

WEDNESDAY--MAY 29, 18--.

"Now, my dear FRED--if I could only feel certain you were quite ashamed

of yourself, you don't know how comfortable I should be? Call yourself a

Christian, and going out murdering people!" I couldn't help saying as

much: no, quite the reverse.

"But nobody's hurt," said FRED, laughing. "Besides, now we're the best

friends in the world."

"Well, men _are_ creatures, to be sure! To make friendship over bullets

and gunpowder. And supposing you'd been killed? Now, just to satisfy me,

just for a moment suppose that?"

Whereupon, in his odd way, he stared in my face; and said he thought the

calamity would have mightily become me.

"And to have been made a widow for another person--and that person,

one's own servant. But I have given JOSEPHINE warning"--

"Nonsense!" said FREDERICK, and I _did_ stare. "Nonsense, my darling,"

he repeated in his tender way; but I was not to be persuaded.

"Why, the creature was bold enough before. But with the thought in her

head that her master had been fighting a duel, and all about her, she'd

be as conceited, the house wouldn't hold her. She _goes_: now, it's no

use talking, of _that_ I'm determined."

"And so because a foolish young man--not but what he's a very good

fellow--_will_ write letters to a silly girl"--

"Oh, never tell me! He'd never have sent letters and nosegays to _such_

a person, if she hadn't encouraged him."

"Ha! that's how you women help one another! The man begins the injury,

and the sister-woman finishes it. No, LOTTY; you'll do nothing of the

sort. You'll not part with JOSEPHINE; and, more than that, you'll see

young BLISS to-day. Who'd have thought to fight the brother of"--

"The fisherwoman? Well, it's very odd; I must say it's odd: and if I

_do_ consent to see him, I know I shall only be laughed at."

"Do what's right, LOTTY; and then you may laugh with the laughers."

Now there was such good sense in this, that what could I say? Why, I

didn't know; so I just put my arm about his neck.

"Yes, my love, and you'll not crush poor TRUEPENNY"--

"Now, don't ask me that, FRED; that is really too much."

"They'll both be here to-day; and, come, I'll strike a bargain with you,

LOTTY?"

"A bargain?" said I. "Why, what's the use, FRED, when you always get the

best of it? Well, I'm in a foolish good temper, so what is it?"

"If you'll receive young BLISS"--

"But is it really true that MISS BLISS--the young lady with the

artificial flies--is going to be married? Really true?"

"I've told you, I hear next week. That fine young fellow we saw at the

church, he's the man. When _their_ honeymoon is over, I intend to ask

them, and young BLISS, too, to _The Flitch_."

"Well?" said I, a little relenting. "And now your bargain?"

"You'll see young BLISS and TRUEPENNY--they'll be here to lunch--and

we'll start for home, by the first stage to-day, directly afterwards. Is

it a bargain?"

"It's two days earlier than we're looked for," said I.

"Very well, let us stop out the time here," cried FRED.

"Not another hour. No; now I shall never be fully happy till I'm at

home. I do verily believe, I shall go upon my knees and kiss the

door-step. So JOSEPHINE has but to bestir herself--I only hope she'll

prove herself worthy of the confidence we place in her; but it's a risk,

FRED; depend on it, 'tis a risk."

With this I ran away to my room, and made JOSEPHINE comfortable, telling

her that I thought her a most imprudent, if not a very culpable young

woman, to have nosegays and letters sent to her, and so to destroy the

peace of families--for it was no use to tell me that she couldn't help

the gentleman sending them, that I _couldn't_ believe;--but nevertheless

if, as I believed, she was truly sorry for her conduct, I wouldn't have

the heart to throw her upon the wide, wide world; but would much rather

prefer to take her home with us, and--if she continued to behave

herself--to make her happy as the day was long. I said all this; but I

was sorry, really hurt to observe, that the young woman listened to a

good deal I said, like any stone. But then for gratitude, who's to

expect it?

We soon had everything packed, and I returned to FRED. Was ever anything

so provoking? Instead of MR. BLISS and that TRUEPENNY, came two letters

of apology. MR. BLISS had received a sudden call upon his attention that

he must obey, but hoped to be allowed to see FRED and "his charming

partner"--(and he'd thought nothing of making her a disconsolate

widow!)--some day at _The Flitch_. As for MR. TRUEPENNY, he declared to

FRED that "he had not the courage to meet his wife:" which I considered

a very proper compliment to my spirit. I scarcely thought the man had as

much remorse and proper feeling in him. And then he added--"P.S. I write

this upon my knees, sending my contrition to your estimable partner;

with an earnest prayer that, at some distant day, I may be permitted to

approach her at her own fireside. Dinner is beyond my ambition as above

my deserts: but, I trust, that after due time and penitence, I may hope

to be called to the tea-table. May hope still lift up her azure eyes to

muffins?"

"I really don't see anything to laugh at," said I to FRED, who was

mightily amused as he read the letter. And to say the truth I _was_ a

little vexed. Because I had made my mind up to show FRED how forgivingly

I could behave--and then to be disappointed of the opportunity _was_

vexing.

However, we lunched alone; paid the bill; and--shall I ever forget how I

jumped into the carriage? I seemed to have wings!--and away we trundled

homewards--homewards!

_Home._

I fairly cried with happiness when I crossed the threshold. When I dropt

in my chair at my fireside, I felt like the happiest Queen upon her

throne. How beautiful, too, everything looked! There seemed a bloom, a

brightness upon everything in the house; whilst the garden was glowing,

brimming with flowers; all of them nodding at me, as I thought, a

welcome.

What a house-warming we've had! And I never can complain of the

smallness of the house after such a party! A hundred and fifty, and

still plenty of room for _Roger de Coverley_. Mamma danced with

TRUEPENNY who--the foolish fellow!--would go upon his knees on the

hearth, and drink a glass of champagne in honour, as he said, of the

household gods. We've had merriment enough almost for a life! I begin to

be afraid of so much happiness--can it last?

_May 1, Twenty-ninth return of Wedding Day._

Thankful, grateful, for all blessings! Happiness has continued;

happiness the purest and best, for--as dear, dear FRED says--the

happiness was ever home-made.

* * * * *

BRITISH BLACK SLAVERY.

LORD PALMERSTON has furnished the Women of America with a new answer to

the Women of England. The American ladies say that now the Smoke

Nuisance Bill has passed, we cannot blame the States for their Runaway

Negro Act, inasmuch as we ourselves have made a law to prevent the

escape of the Blacks.

* * * * *

VERY LIKE A WHALE.

The Yankee scheme for purchasing the fictitious title to the American

Fisheries from the pretended EARL OF STIRLING, comes out under the

auspices of an Ex-Secretary of State with the portentous name

of--WALKER!

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE GREAT BARBARIAN DRAGON THAT WILL EAT UP "THE BROTHER

OF THE MOON," &c. &c. &c.]

* * * * *

GREAT CATCHES.

[Illustration: W]

Whether everybody has his price or not; there are some quite capable of

selling themselves, even by auction: as, for one instance, we should

think, the author of the subjoined advertisement:--

AS LEDGER CLERK, Manager, and Correspondent.--A gentleman, of

close-sticking business habits, who does nothing by halves, whose

references as to character, &c., are first-rate, and whose devotion

to his employers' interests ever has been unbounded, is just now

open to a RE-ENGAGEMENT. The advertiser is of ripe, vigorous,

middle-age, and so undeviatingly systematic, as by the restless

force of example, to be qualified to establish, in all around him,

habits of perseverance, self denial, and fagging industry, such as

could not fail to tell wonderfully, as those habits became more and

more fully developed, on any set of people so organised. Clever men

of business, who, one and all, admire cleverness in others, and

especially when it makes to them its own peculiar bow of the most

profound obeisance, are most respectfully requested to address their

replies to ALPHA DELTA, &c., &c.

The gentleman so industriously adhesive certainly does not cry himself

up by halves; and the glowing language in which he describes his age as

"ripe and vigorous," might well become some YANKEE GEORGE ROBINS

appraising an UNCLE TOM. We can vividly imagine him putting himself up,

ringing the changes on his ripeness and vigour, first-rate references,

undeviatingly systematic ways, close-sticking business habits, and

unbounded devotion to his employers' interests: and ultimately, with his

"own peculiar bow of the most profound obeisance," respectfully knocking

himself down to the best bidder. We should like to buy him at our terms

in this manner, if we could afterwards dispose of him at his own. But

our friend blows his trumpet with rather too many flourishes; makes

overmuch use of the figure hyperbole, to commend himself for employment

in those figures that Ledger Clerks are more particularly concerned

with.

In the same _Times_ that contained the foregoing announcement, appears

also the following:--

NO SALARY REQUIRED.--A young Gentleman, (20 years of age), author of

several works, wishes for a HOME. He is a beautiful reader and

writer; can write poetry, tales, essays, and anything literary. He

is possessed of pleasing manners, kind disposition, and would do all

in his power to make himself useful, and contribute to the happiness

of those with whom he may become associated. One of his works sent

for six stamps. Address Reginald Villiers, &c., &c.

This is a performance on a similar instrument; but it is the clarionet

to the cornet-a-pistons. Only 20; a "beautiful" reader and writer; can

write poetry, tales, essays, and "anything literary;" and is already the

"author of several works." Why, this is a second

"CHATTERTON the marvellous Boy,"

and we should say he had better take care that he does not so far

resemble

"The sleepless Soul that perished in his pride,"

as to go off, some day, in a fit of vanity and self-conceit.

We are almost inclined to send him six stamps for one of his works, in

order that we may ascertain if it is worth a single rap.

* * * * *

ROEBUCK HIMSELF AGAIN.

The _Sheffield Independent_ announces that MR. ROEBUCK'S health is so

much improved that he has accepted an invitation to the Cutlers' feast.

We are happy to hear it, and hope MR. ROEBUCK will do the Cutlers the

credit of playing a good knife and fork.

* * * * *

THE DECIMAL COINAGE.

_The Chairman of the Committee to the Vulgar (fractional) Public._

AIR--_"Won't you Come and take Tea in the Arbour?"_

The Coinage Committee, which sat in the City,

At last have completed their labour,

And derive from the action intense satisfaction;

We're sick of "COLENSO" and "MAVOR!"

But as it may be thought that we mean our "report"

For the special behoof of "the City,"

Half a page of the _Times_ we'll condense into rhymes

To the air of a popular ditty.

So, though it's uphilly, give up all your silly

Ideas, which might suit your grandfather

About shillings and pence, which are not common sense,

And take to the decimals rather!

As in loyalty bound, we shall stick to the pound--

'Twould be treason the "sovereign" to banish;

But all the half-crowns, "bobs", "joeys", and "browns,"

Into Royal Mint-sauce must vanish.

But we'll leave you the _Florin_, which cannot be foreign,

As every one lots of them handles,

And of these 'twill be found, ten will go to the pound,

For all the world like--kitchen candles!

Then, though it's uphilly, &c.

Still on decimals bent, we descend to the _Cent_

(Find its value yourself, if you're able),

Divide by ten still, and you'll come to the _Mil_

There, my friends, you've the whole of the table.

So we hope by next session, you'll be in possession

Of some sensible decimal money;

And pay all little bills in cents, florins, and mils,

Never mind if, at first, it seem funny.

But, though it's uphilly, &c.

Those who talk about "browns," and say "bulls"--meaning crowns,

Perchance for "nicknames" may be roarin';

Recollect in a "_mill_" you've of _pound_ing your fill,

And frequently plenty of _floorin'_.

Now, Public! tho' slow--that you're grateful to show

(If you are not a stingy, mean sinner),

The least you can do, is to just buckle to,

And give the Committee--a dinner!

Then, though it's uphilly, &c.

* * * * *

THE BRITISH CONSULATE AT BOULOGNE.

(_From our Travelling Contributor._)

The British Consulate at Boulogne still "hangs out" over the "tinnery,

leadery, and zincery," at the end of the port, as we have ascertained by

a recent visit. The ground floor is occupied by a sauce-pan shop, while

British diplomacy has taken the floor above, and the frontage of the

premises displays a rivalry of attraction between the "British Consular

Office for Passports" and the "_Bazar des Quatre_" something or other,

which the tinman adopts as the name of his domicile.

We recognise no change in the arrangements since we noticed the

establishment two years ago, except that the individual who represents

British diplomacy has got a new cap, is rather more civil spoken than he

was, and the boy who runs to call him when he is in another room is

grown bigger than he used to be. This is all natural enough, and so far

unobjectionable, though we are not quite so well satisfied with a rope

that has been attached to one side of the staircase by way of

bannisters. On the day of our visit there was a consular _torchon_, or

diplomatic dishclout hanging to dry on the landing, which we thought

savoured of anything but dignity. The rope was well enough as far as it

went, and the Consul has given the public just rope enough to hang

itself, or rather to pull itself up by, in ascending the staircase. We

presume that all this homeliness is as much as the passport fees will

afford, and we can only regret, for the credit of British diplomacy,

that it is as much dignity as can be sustained upon the

four-and-two-pences that pour in on the establishment at Boulogne.

* * * * *

PHYSIC FOR BRUTES.

A hair of the dog that bit you is recommended as a cure for the

consequences of drunkenness; but when intoxication results in beating

women, the dog does not afford so proper a remedy as the cat.

* * * * *

Who was the first "Gent" on record?--The Lawyer, when he was allowed by

Act of Parliament to write after his name "Gent, one, &c.."

* * * * *

[Illustration: SCENE.--BUREAU OF THE CHIEFS OF THE DOUANES.

_French Official._ "YOU HAVE PASSPORT?"

_English Gent._ "NONG, MOSSOO."

_Official._ "YOUR NAME."

_Gent._ "BELLEVILLE."

_Official._ "CHRISTIAN NOM?"

_Gent._ "'ARRY!"

_Official._ "PROFESSION?"

_Gent._ "BANKER!"]

* * * * *

THE PLOUGHBOY'S DOOM!

The stubble-headed Ploughboy

No more a-field shall stride,

Smock-frocked, with whip on shoulder,

The steer or steed to guide;

At dawn, no more shall whistle

With early lark and thrush;

No longer stalk the fallows,

The clods no longer crush.

In vacant rumination,

No more shall sit on gate;

His shanks beneath him dangling

By hob-nailed highlows' weight.

That form of grace no longer

The hedgerows shall adorn,

His dab of bacon slicing

Upon his palm of horn.

The Boy--smock, boots, and bacon,

And whip,--must yield to Steam;

His whistle must be silent,

Whilst engines hiss and scream;

For MECHI has in action

A new machine e'en now,

And says his apparatus

Will supersede the Plough.

* * * * *

A BEAR SPECULATION.

The Turkish question appears to have subsided into an affair of grease.

The subjoined advertisement shows what our Imperial friend has come

to:--

BEAR FOR SALE.--A fine large RUSSIAN BEAR, very tame. To be seen on

board the Atalanta, CAPTAIN WESENBERG lying in the West India Import

Dock.

NICHOLAS has come to the West India Dock. We suppose we shall soon have

him Promoting the Growth of the Hair, in combination with essence of

rose, violet, or bergamot.

* * * * *

THE HEIGHT OF ABSURDITY.--A Vegetarian attending a Cattle Show.

* * * * *

LEADING ARTICLE FOR OLD LADIES.

(_On the proposed New Coinage._)

We are, and always were, averse to change. We do not mean to say that we

have, or ever had, any objection to those coppers which long custom has

hallowed, and which have been consecrated to charity. But when

innovation would tamper with the coin of the realm, we, in common with

all HER MAJESTY'S loyal subjects, are necessitated to rally round the

SOVEREIGN, not only as such, but as represented by monetary

subordinates. And when we observe that one of the principal features in

the contemplated revolution is the abolition of the Half-Crown, we

cannot but consider the CROWN, and with the CROWN the THRONE, and of

course the CHURCH to be placed in jeopardy. In short, we must record our

emphatic protest against the proposed Decimal Currency. It was under the

old arrangement of pounds, shillings, pence, and farthings, that the

country attained to its present pitch of glory and prosperity. That the

Decimal system has been adopted by foreigners is the very reason why we

should persist in our own. What is it that makes them so eager to take

our money, if not its acknowledged superiority to theirs?

The democratic, indeed the levelling character of the decimal agitation

is obvious from one remarkable fact, which, may, perhaps, however, be

new to our readers. It is notorious that the lower classes are addicted

to the use of slang or flash language, especially in connection with

pugilism. Now we have already had introduced a coin of foreign

denomination, but domestic orthography. We allude to the piece of money

termed a florin, a word which, as spelt by the populace--as many of them

as can spell at all--signifies the act of knocking or being knocked

down. It is proposed that one of the new-fangled coins shall bear the

yet more vulgar appellation of a mil; which in the same vocabulary

signifies a fistic encounter.

From a Parliamentary Commission subservient to a Downing Street gang,

thus evidently deriving the nomenclature of their projected coinage on

the one hand from Continental Jews, Papists, and Infidels; and on the

other from the BRUMMAGEM CHICKEN and the TIPTON SLASHER, what can we

expect but the overthrow of all our ancient institutions, unless the

blow which they are about to aim at all that we hold tender, be parried

by a determined exertion of the art of self-defence?

* * * * *

A REGULAR PUMP.--An eminent teetotaller being requested by "a few of his

admirers" to sit for his portrait, consented, on condition that it

should be taken in water-colours.

* * * * *

[Illustration: A REMINISCENCE OF CHOBHAM--DELIGHTFUL EFFECTS OF A

CANNONADE.]

* * * * *

MR. PETERLOO BROWN'S EXAMINATION OF THE OXFORD STATUTES.

"DEAR MR. PUNCH,

"I venture but once again to trouble you with a few remarks; and, as I

am looking forward to my lad matriculating this next October, I shall be

glad of your speedy advice as to whether I ought to send him to a place

where he will have to swear to observe Statutes like those I have spoken

of, and those I am now about to mention.

"The next Statute after 'the herb Nicotiana,' is about the closing of

the College gates at 9 o'clock, and says, that if circumstances should

call for it (_si res ita postulet_), the Heads of the Houses shall then

go round to each chamber (_perlustratis singulorum cubiculis_), to see

if their tenants are there. This is a delightful rule; and, if

circumstances do _not_ call for the Heads to make their rounds, it only

shows that the Statute is obeyed without such supervision. Early to bed,

you know, _Mr. Punch_, not only leads to salubriousness of body and

purse, but also conduces to wisdom of intellect; and, doubtless, much of

the success of the 'Oxford discipline' that we hear so much about may be

traced to this 'early-closing movement.' I am glad to find that my son

PETERLOO will not have to carry out the popular idea of a student, by

burning 'the midnight oil'--which you and I, as men of the world, know

is a mere figure of speech, and only leads to biliousness of body and

cutting of morning chapels--but that he will have to be in bed by 9

o'clock, and, possibly, may be tucked up by the Head of the College

himself, attended, of course, by bedels and 'holy pokers,' and all the

paraphernalia of Collegiate grandeur. And, _Mr. Punch_, what an

instructive subject 'Alma Mater putting her children to bed' would be

for MR. TENNIEL to turn into a cartoon for the new Houses of Parliament;

where, in spite of the exertions of MRS.--I mean MR.--BROTHERTON, the

Members _will_ waste the gas and their health in keeping late hours--a

thing they were plainly never allowed to do as long as they were at

Oxford!

[Illustration: NOBODY MUST BE OUT OF HIS CHAMBER AFTER NINE O'CLOCK IN

THE EVENING.]

"The next Statute not only forbids the students to indulge in all games

that might be hurtful to themselves (_abstineant ab omni lusus genere,

in quo de pecunia concertatur_), but also requires them to abstain from

every kind of game or sport which might cause any danger, injury, or

inconvenience to others; as, for example, from the hunting of wild

beasts with dogs of all kinds, with ferrets, nets, or snares (_item quod

abstineant ab omni genere lusus vel exercitu, ex quo aliis periculum,

injuria, vel incommodum creatur: veluti a venatione ferarum cum canibus

cujuscunque generis, viverris, retibus, aut plagis_). Oh, _Mr. Punch_,

does Oxford still keep the same position it held in dark centuries ages

ago, that it is forced to make its matriculating candidates swear to

abstain from the sports of a savage life, which may be all very well for

a GORDON CUMMING, but do not accord with the peaceful pursuits of a

cloistered student? And what, I would ask, are the wild beasts for which

Oxford is famous? Are they of the same genus as those which my young

neighbour BELLINGHAM GREY speaks of? He tells me that Oxford is infested

with the varied species of the Ornithorhyncus--_the Beast with a

Bill_--which usually lurk in dens to which they endeavour, by many

allurements, to entice their victims; and that, so cunning are they,

that they will even steal within the College walls and attack a Student

in his own private room, and cannot be got away before they have made

him bleed freely. He says that there is no way of capturing these

beasts, and that they can only be kept off by Degrees; but, that when

once you have found means to settle them, their Bill immediately drops

off; and that they are not seen again until their bill has been

curiously renewed. I wonder that the manager of the Zoological Gardens

don't get hold of specimens of this very curious beast, the Oxford

Ornithorhyncus; more especially as they seem to be so common. But I

suppose that their difficulty of capture at present stands in the way.

But, who knows, but what we shall see them next season among the 'lions'

of the Gardens, and eclipsing in interest even the vivarium and the

hippopotamus?

[Illustration: NOBODY MUST INDULGE IN SPORTS WHICH MAY CAUSE HURT OR

INCONVENIENCE TO OTHERS.]

[Illustration: The OXFORD ORNITHORYNCUS]

"But to return to the Statute. Though I think I smell a badger, yet the

word 'ferrets' seems to point at rats. But if, in their humanity, the

authorities discourage rat-hunting--which, of course, must be an

'inconvenience' to the rat, even if it cause him no 'danger or

injury'--why do they shut their eyes to the legions of terriers, and

other rat-killing dogs, that are openly possessed by the members of the

University? I am at a loss to know for what species of wild beasts the

'snares and nets' are intended, unless the young men poach for rabbits

and hares. But as for fox-hunting, I shall know now how far I may

believe young BELLINGHAM GREY when he says that he, and more than a

score of 'pinks' may be seen in a morning, setting off from the

Canterbury Gate of Christ Church! And as for the loo, and whist, and

'Van John' that he speaks of, not to mention ecarte, and the money that

changes hands in one evening, why I am sadly afraid that the young

gentleman has been imposing upon my credulity.

[Illustration: NOBODY MUST CARRY A CROSS-BOW, AND A HAWK FOR FOWLING.]

"The Statute goes on to forbid the boys--I beg pardon, the 'men!'--from

the use of hawks for fowling, and from the carrying of cross-bows and

'Bombardarum' (_necnon ab omni apparatu et gestatione Bombardarum, et

arcubalistarum; sive etiam accipitrum usu ad aucupium_). Now, I am aware

that the old noble sport of hawking is being revived, because I take in

_The Field_ (for, of course, I look upon myself as a 'country

gentleman,' and do everything that country gentlemen ought to do), and

in _The Field_ I sometimes read about it; and I suppose the Oxford

gentlemen are assisting in the revival. But, in the name of wonder, _Mr.

Punch_, what _can_ be meant by 'Bombardarum?' Has it anything to do with

your Austrian friend 'BOMBA?' Or does it mean that the young men must

not carry about mortars for the discharge of bombs, or battering-rams,

or some 'bombarding' implement 'of that ilk?' But no. 'Town and Gown'

disturbances can never need such warlike preparations as these. I

suppose I must write to your facetious contemporary _Notes and Queries_,

and ask what 'Bombardarum' really does mean; for no Latin Dictionary

that I have access to is able to inform me. Really, _Mr. Punch_, my LORD

CHANCELLOR DERBY ought to publish either a translation of the Statutes

of his University or a dictionary of these 'Oxford mixture' phrases,

'_canino Anglico Latine reddita_:' for how can young men be expected to

obey Statutes which are made up of words of which the meaning can only

be conjectured? And if, _Mr. Punch_, you take up the cudgels for the

Oxford Statutes, and tell me that they are thus purposely framed, and

after the fashion of the Statutes of the country, I beg to observe that

the seat of learning ought to be stuffed with other stuff than that

which fills the woolsack, and that the framers of its laws should not be

like the noble and versatile Lord of the Upper House, to whom we might

say, in the words of COLERIDGE:--

"'You can utter, with a solemn gesture,

Oracular sentences of deep no-meaning,

Wear a quaint garment, make mysterious antics!'[4]

"The statutes next call upon the matriculating candidate to swear that

he will keep aloof from all rope-dancers and actors, and from the

strifes and shows of--gladiators! (_Item quod, intra Universitatem

Oxoniensem aut Praecinctum, absque speciali venia Vice-Cancellarii, nec

Funambuli nec Histriones, qui quaestus causa in Scenam prodeunt, nec

Gladiatorum certamina sive spectacula permittantur; nec Academici eisdem

intersint._) Good gracious, _Mr. Punch_! is this the nineteenth

century--is _Punch_ an institution of our land; have we got a Camp at

Chobham, and a Fleet at Spithead, or are we RIP VAN WINKLES in an

inverse degree, who have slept backwards into the past? My brain is

fairly _muddled_, Sir, with the thought that I am about to send my son

PETERLOO to a place which I had fondly imagined to be the centre of all

enlightenment, and which I now find retains the barbarities of the

darkest ages. I don't object to the rope-dancers and actors--although I

might perhaps be inclined to ask why SHAKSPEARE, and SHERIDAN, and

BULWER-LYTTON should be condemned as improper; and PLAUTUS, TERENCE, and

JUVENAL decided to be the only pure and proper dramatic guides of

youth--I don't object, I say, to my lad going to see the rope-dancing

and acting, but I do decidedly object to his even having a chance of

obtaining 'the special permission of the Vice-Chancellor' to be present

at such degrading exhibitions as the 'sports of the Gladiators.' I

shudder to think (and so does MRS. BROWN, Sir), that my lad, who has

been so carefully brought up, will _really_ 'see before him the

Gladiator lie, his manly form all cover'd o'er with wounds;' and that he

will, perhaps--(I can assure you, Sir, that MRS. BROWN is obliged to

have recourse to her smelling salts at the bare thought of such

horrors)--that he will perhaps set his own slave (or scout) to fight for

his amusement, and, like those frightful Romans that he is obliged to

read about, will be turning up his thumbs to give the dreadful signal

for his wretched servant's death! I must really pause a moment to

recover my equanimity. Yet a bright thought strikes me! Perhaps, after

all, _Mr. Punch_, these gladiatorial exhibitions are only intended to

assist the students in their classical pursuits, the mind being, we

know, often more speedily instructed through an appeal to the eye. And

this idea is supported by the words of the Statute that the Students

must not be present at such shows without the special permission of the

Vice-Chancellor. For, of course, if there _are_ no gladiatorial

exhibitions in Oxford, the candidates for matriculation would not be

required to take oaths about them.

"It would fatigue both you and me, _Mr. Punch_ (weakened as I feel by

these gladiatorial prospects), were I to make more lengthy observations

on the Oxford Statutes; for the subject is so copious, that it would

take me some time to travel through all the _Statutum ests_, and stop at

each. Yet I think I have told you enough about them to enable you to

give me your valuable opinion on the propriety and wisdom of suffering

my son PETERLOO to enter an university, to the privileges of which he

will only be admitted on the condition that he swears to observe all the

foregoing Statutes, and a host of others, to the utmost of his power:

'_Scito te_,' says the Vice-Chancellor, as he gives the young man a copy

of the book which I have now been considering, '_Scito te in matriculam

Universitatis hodie relatum esse, sub hac conditione, sempe, ut omnia

Statuta, hoc libro comprehensa, pro virili observes_.'

"But I will add one word in favour of a few more Statutes of this

'_Tit._ XV.' I am glad to see that, while my son will not be permitted

to draw a weapon upon another, or threaten him with a knife, dagger,

sword, or other species of weapon (_cultellum, pugionem, gladium, aut

aliquot aliud genus teli aut distrinxerit, aut intentaverit, cum minis,

&c._), yet, that he will be allowed to bear a bow and arrow for the sake

of honest recreation (_qui honestae recreationis causa arcus cum sagittis

portaverint_), and will not be suffered to ride in, or be the charioteer

of, any vehicle, unless he is permitted to do so by the Proctors or the

Heads of his College, on account of his infirm health, or some other

reasonable cause (_nisi cui propter infirmam valetudinem aut

rationabilem aliquam causam licentia, &c._). And yet, _Mr. Punch_, why

does young BELLINGHAM GREY tell me tales of Traps, and Dog-carts, and

Tandems, and Teams? Have _all_ their charioteers infirm health? or has

that young gentleman, in this as in other things, been practising upon

the credulity of

"Dear _Mr. Punch_,

"Your constant reader,

"PETERLOO BROWN."

[Footnote 4:] "Tragedy of Remorse." Act ii., Scene I.

* * * * *

[Illustration: NOBODY MUST HUNT WILD BEASTS.]

* * * * *

THE MONEY MARKET FOR INFANT MINDS.

Here go the Funds, up, up,

And there go Consols, down, down,

Fluctuate backwards and forwards,

And then come around, round, round,

NICHOLAS cries, "No, no!"

There's a fall in the Three-per-Cents,

Aloft like rockets they go

The moment the CZAR relents.

Sing hey! for the Bulls and Bears,

And ho! for the Turkey Cocks,

Sing Bonds, and Scrip, and Shares,

Sing British and Foreign Stocks.

Sing Ninety-seven, Two, Three,

Sing Two-and-a-Half at Par,

And that's the way L _s._ _d._

Depends upon Peace or War.

* * * * *

FLOWERS OF THE TOWZERY PLANT.

In these days of steam we encounter a great deal of puffing, but few

probably have beheld the largest locomotive emit so extensive a puff as

the subjoined:--

"Grand, Fortentous, and Most Auspicious Event. Speedy and Imperative

and Peremptory Sale of the Entire Stock of Shawls, Mantles, and

Robes, of

a firm that we will take the liberty of calling MESSRS. HOKES AND CO.

In the first place, MESSRS. HOKES are to be congratulated on having

introduced a striking novelty into the English language--the word

Fortentous; which, being big and indistinct, looms, as it were, at the

head of their advertisement, with a misty sublimity.

The nature of the impending event, denominated "fortentous" is thus

elucidated:--

"In consequence of the Proprietors being made Sole Agents for

MACINTOSH'S Registered Waterproof Dupallas, for Ladies' Sea-side,

Yachting, or Travelling Wear, they are determined to clear off their

entire Stock--and, doing this, they sink all Personal Interest,

forego every consideration of gain or lucre, renounce every motive

but the one Grand Object--that of a positive and absolute Clearance

of the entire Stock--and this, they are determined, must, will, nay

shall be accomplished, as the Dupalla will be ready for Inspection

in a few days."

This paragraph is a masterly composition--the very perfection of the

insinuating style. Sinking all personal interest, foregoing every

consideration of gain or lucre, renouncing every motive but that of

desiring the positive and absolute clearance of a quantity of

stock--that "one grand object" might obviously be accomplished in a

simple and effectual manner by making a bonfire of the goods; which,

moreover, would probably be the best thing to do with them.

The conclusion of H. AND CO.'S Puff at once invites criticism--and

defies it--

"But words are but words, after all, so H. & CO. will proceed to lay

before the Public something of a more tangible nature. They pass on

to facts, and facts are stubborn things, but they unhesitatingly

affirm that the incontrovertible facts given in the annexed

quotations of prices, only require ocular observation to establish

their identity."

The stubbornness of H. AND CO.'s facts is only exceeded by their

acquisitiveness; and perhaps, indeed, the latter propensity may be

considered to have dictated their entire advertisement.

* * * * *

GENTILITY AT THE GOLD FIELDS.--Refinement in Australia appears to be a

gross anomaly: and the only use of polish relates to boots.

* * * * *

OUR TOURIST IN PARIS. No. 2.

[Illustration]

The traveller whose philosophy has passed through these severe trials,

hungry, dirty, unshaved, weary, almost querulous, hurls his baggage and

himself into a venerable and heavy hackney coach (such a one as DR.

JOHNSON might have hired to take MRS. THRALE to the play), drawn by a

pair of ragged grey ponies painfully over the rocky ways, which people

here have the face to call a pavement. Half-an-hour's jolting brings him

to the Hotel in the Rue de Richelieu, where he demands a lodging. "But

yes, Monsieur can have a chamber, but certainly," is the cheerful

announcement of the _concierge_, a very pearl among women, who advances

from the lodge with a smile to welcome the travel-stained, ill-favoured

guest. "Behold the steward who will make Monsieur know." "Give yourself

the pain to mount, Monsieur," says a solemn official in a fur-cap, with

a reverence. The traveller wearily ascends hundreds of shiny, slippery

steps, till he arrives at the third floor, where he pauses out of

breath. "Mount, mount always!" says the respectable conductor. "But

Monsieur, behold us who are arrived at the fourth. This is in fine

enough, is it not?" "But no, Monsieur, pardon; it is necessary to mount

always." The traveller's hind legs are awfully done up; nevertheless,

_allons_! we arrive at another floor. "Behold, Monsieur," gaily says the

steward, as he opens the door of 299.

The first thing that strikes one is, that the last gentleman must have

been addicted to chewing garlic, and smoking very bad tobacco. The

windows, which appear not to have been opened for weeks, enable the

fastidious English nostrils to analyse these flavours with unerring

certainty. A little hall of entrance, furnished with a stove, a table,

and a bench which seems intended for the repose of exhausted creditors

before they make their unsuccessful appeal to milord, leads to an

apartment furnished both as bed-room and sitting-room, with great taste

and cheerfulness. The chairs are pretty in form, and covered with maroon

velvet. There is a walnut table, escritoire, and chest of drawers. Over

the chimney-piece of black marble is a mirror and a clock. (There is not

a room in Paris which does not boast a looking-glass and a clock or

clocks, though the latter may not go.) In a recess is a bed, which turns

out to be perfect. The last detail, however, strikes the traveller with

horror. He will be forced to wash with a slop basin and a milk jug. What

to do? The official in the fur cap listens with smiling courtesy to the

expostulations of Monsieur, but cannot comprehend his meaning.

There are excellent baths in the Rue Vivienne. But in the chamber? Ah,

good, they shall bring a hot bath to Monsieur at three francs. It is

still something else? The English waiter shall mount to Monsieur. A

shower-bath, a hip-bath, or a sponging-bath he hath not seen, neither

can he conceive. The philosopher straightway orders a hot bath, and

makes a note never to leave his country for the future without a

collapsible caoutchouc arrangement, which may so far make him

independent of the short-comings of continental civilisation. The

respectable steward retires, the hot bath arrives, painfully supplied

with water by a groaning gentleman in a blouse who evidently hates his

business, especially in its _higher walks_. Perhaps he will be a member

of a Provisional Government some day, and pay society off for his

present griefs.

Under the potent influence of hot water the traveller gradually returns

to his usual serenity. The bravos of Dover, the exhibitions of weakness

on board the steamer, the bureaucratic tediousness of the _douaniers_,

the insolence of the police, the jolting over the _pave_, the

interminable flights of stairs, all fade from his memory as he simmers

into a happier and more tranquil world of thought. Mysterious analogy to

the miracles of culinary science! His heart, so to speak, stews into

tenderness in like manner as the lobster, hideous and savage, gradually

is divested of his gross nature till he becomes the delicate inmate of a

Mayonnaise. Full of this pathetic thought the sage reaps his chin,

anoints his hair, makes an elaborate toilette, and descends like JUPITER

from Olympus to mingle with men of lower earth. He returns with

confidence the smiling salute of the _concierge_. Ah, Madame! you may

now regard us; we carry fair linen, and smell of sweet odours: we are no

longer a disgrace to Albion. An astounding breakfast, and so to the

Boulevards.

How much alike men are! Here are a few more Leicester Squarers than one

sees in Regent Street. The gentlemen wear plaited trowsers and

broad-brimmed hats, and turn-down collars; women of the lower class walk

about in caps; here and there is a blouse, and that is pretty nearly all

the difference to be seen. To what end should we describe an ordinary

Frenchman? Have we not seen him?--have we not noted him? What child is

ignorant of his unobtrusive costume, his pantaloons full round his hips

and covering all his boots, his pockets half way down his leg, his

tight-waisted coat, his dubious linen, his not dubious hands and face,

his modest gait and diffident manner? Know we not his hair grotesquely

short or filthily long, his stubbly moustache and beard, or imperial, or

republican; his high cheekbones, his eyebrows running up on each side;

his vehement discourse, his grimaces, his shrugs, his lively gestures?

Mark those three _flaneurs_! They are talking each as loud as he can on

a different topic, not listening or listened to, yet perfectly happy and

content. Would any one but a Frenchman call such monkey-jabber

conversation--_and like it_?

They slacken their talk a little, to exhibit the national politeness. A

lady, young, charming, and dressed to perfection, though a little more

sumptuously than is usual with us for the promenade on foot, must

descend into the kennel (a little river) if these Messieurs will not

give place. Ah, bah! do not derange yourselves. JULES puts his head

under her bonnet, and perfumes her exquisite coiffure with tobacco

smoke. ADOLPHE and HORACE exchange _bon mots_ with a coarse laugh, and

the poor lady makes her escape as she may. Oh, French politeness! truly

thou art a thing of the past. The modern Gaul has still the trick of

taking off his hat; but the spirit of courtesy is evaporated, leaving

nothing but dregs behind.

Your correspondent leaves this last sentence as he wrote it in the heat

of indignation (if his temper is capable of heat) at what _could not_

have happened in England. Mindful, however, of the danger of drawing

general conclusions from particular premises, he wishes to limit his

censure to French officials and French Boulevard _flaneurs_, the only

persons that have as yet shown themselves to deserve it, and who may be

unfavourable specimens of their countrymen. Certainly he has met with an

obliging good humour in waiters and shop-keepers, that contrasts

favourably with the reserved and almost sullen air of the same classes

in England. On the other hand, carters and cabmen seem brutally cruel to

their cattle, and will drive over a foot passenger (especially, perhaps,

if an Englishman) without scruple. Who shall correctly appreciate these

things?

[Illustration]

* * * * *

A LION RAMPANT MAD.

That troublesome quadruped the British Lion, generally supposed defunct,

turns out to have been Scotched not killed; as he is now roaring and

bellowing more ridiculously than ever, in the character of the Lion of

North Britain or Scotch Lion. He is clamouring not only for what he

conceives to be his proper corner on the Royal flag, but also, on behalf

of his baronetage and some other connexions, for the whole territory and

fishing-grounds of the Royal Province of New Scotland, as he calls it;

that is to say, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, and the adjacent regions. We

expect very soon to hear this foolish old Lion roar for the moon, in a

state of second cubhood. To humour him, however, it might be advisable

to depict him wherever he wishes in that state of rampancy which he

chooses to figure in, that is, in an attitude of rampant absurdity.

* * * * *

HONOURS TO PALMERSTON.

It is determined that LORD PALMERSTON--who goes in attendance upon the

QUEEN to Scotland--shall have the freedom of Perth. Had PAM had his own

way, we take it, long ere this, he would have had the freedom of Turkey.

* * * * *

THE HOUSE OF FAME.

DEDICATED, BY PERMISSION OF THE PRESIDENT AND COUNCIL, TO THE BRITISH

ASSOCIATION.

Clear, and grey the day is dawning, free from each ill-omened warning,

And the sharp fresh air of morning blows upon our mountain way,

As o'er brook and chasm springing, or up woody crag-sides swinging,

Showers of dew and blossom bringing down from each rich laden spray;

While the birds from tree and thicket greet us with a jocund lay,

Merrily our band advancing, towards the mountain's summit glancing,

Sees the early sunbeams dancing on a dome of burnished flame,

Where, with open doors entreating our approach, a cordial greeting

Angel voices seem repeating, singing, sloth and fear to shame,

"Hasten! favoured mortals; hasten upward to the House of Fame!"

Pausing now, in contemplation, I perceive that every nation,

From each calling, class, or station, sends its quota to our band;

Poets jostling grave logicians; botanists by politicians;

Soldiers marching with physicians; kings, with hermits close at hand

Miners, aeronauts, and divers, pass before me as I stand.

OWEN, with a fossil tusk or femur strides along, and BUSK a

Jar has got of fresh Mollusca to sustain him in his toil;

WILLIAMS, fond of vermicelli, has a mess of small Sabellae,

Serpulae, and Terabellae; FOWLER in his "mortal coil"

Thinks he has a force sufficient any obstacle to foil.

MURCHISON, with CHAMBERS walking, of striated rocks is talking;

CUMMING up a glen goes stalking deer, with LANDSEER painting him;

BROUGHAM here and there is tripping, up the rocks for wild bees skipping,

In the brooks and fountains dipping; gazing, till his eyes are dim,

On the Sun, as "Hydrostatics," "Optics," "Instincts," suit his whim.

While ARAGO drags his dying limbs with us, and, though still plying

All his much-loved arts, is sighing for his country's broken laws:

Happier HUMBOLDT'S mind in masses groups rocks, pebbles, trees,

and grasses,

Clouds, brooks, torrents, mountain passes; thence one grand conclusion

draws;

From the greatest and the least of Nature's works the Common Cause

And purpose of them all divining. "Sages, in a well reclining,

Saw the stars at noon-day shining," ancient legends said; but HIND

Marching on in contemplation, by mere force of calculation

Every wandering planet's station in the sunlit sky can find,

Gazing at them from the deep recesses of his mighty mind.

And as thus, with collimators, syphons, hydro-incubators,

Seismoscopes and insulators, stuffed birds, insects, ferns and grasses,

Microscopic preparations, tons of fire-new publications,

Trophies of departed nations, jars of new invented gases,

Lenses, crucibles, and gauges, all the hurried _cortege_ passes;

CLAUDET, on the concourse gazing, as they come beneath the blazing

Sun, much dust around them raising, dips his brush in solar flame;

And so skilfully his art he plies, that 'ere the busy party

From before his eye can start, he manages the whole to frame

In one picture, as a fitting tribute to the House of Fame.

Now the glens and gorges clearing, and on steep bare slopes appearing

Blither grows our band at hearing, from the gazing crowd below,

Shouts of praise and gratulation: but our joy to consternation

Changes, on the observation that some men we do not know

Have crept up by other paths, and share our glory as we go.

And these interlopers blending thoughts of fame and pelf are vending

Various wares while they're ascending. FOX the public fancy hits,

At so much per scratch revealing scratches on the walls and ceiling,

Made with infinite good feeling, by dead heroes, bards, and wits,

To amuse an epileptic milliner between her fits.

REICHENBACH here runs up, saying he can see a marsh light playing

On the hill in open day; in swamps to sink above his knees

For his pains he is devoted. 'Mongst the rest, too, here, I noted

The unknown, but often quoted, author of the "Vestiges,"

Seeking for the geese that spring from barnacles that grow on trees.

Here our path with doubts and dangers thick is set; for shabby strangers,

Little better than bush-rangers, try our purses to retain:

Pupils these of PROUDHON'S teaching: CARLYLE runs amongst us preaching

That we are but wind-bags, screeching flunkies, shams and shadows vain:

CULLEN, WISEMAN, NEWMAN, tell us our true path is down again.

And a band, denominated Critics, of mere words created,

(Like the horses who were stated to be children of the wind)

Come to settle each pretension; but our best and wisest men shun

The oft proffered intervention of these blind guides of the blind;

On we press, and leave quacks, critics, dreamers, schemers, all behind.

From the crowd some intervening pine-trees now our band are screening,

Yet they shout, their praises meaning for the quacks we leave below.

We, with bated breath, slow creeping up the sharply rising steep, in

Indian file our course must keep in paths that faint and fainter grow--

Only by the spoils of those who went before, the track we know.

For in crevice, nook, and cranny peering, we perceive that many

Of our predecessors any loads they liked not, here threw down.

LOYOLA'S whole knightly armour, and the ploughshare of the farmer

HAMPDEN; SOUTHEY'S early drama of _Wat Tyler_; CODRUS' crown;

Stout ARCHBISHOP BLACKBURN'S cutlass; JOAN OF ARC'S plain hodden gown;

GALILEO'S _early_ notion of the Sun's diurnal motion;

BECKET'S slily feigned devotion to his Royal Master's sway;

LOPE'S, CALDERON'S, CERVANTES' swords, exchanged for pens, and DANTE'S

(When as force could not supplant his foes, he took a surer way);

BRUTUS' simulated weakness; strewn about the mountain, lay.

On these relics as we trample, fired by such a good example,

Some of our men leave an ample share upon the flinty strand;

PIO NONO'S contribution is his taste for Revolution;

"RUSSELL on the Constitution," tumbles from its author's hand;

DISRAELI flings away his projects to relieve the land;

Engineers let fall a shower of statements that the tractive power

Of steam, just fifteen miles an hour cannot possibly exceed;

SUGDEN his determination quits, the due acceleration

Of amended legislation, by mere quibbles to impede,

_Pelham_ and _Paul Clifford_ BULWER drops, and climbs with greater speed.

Now small hillocks round us lying mark the spots where others, trying

Feats beyond their strength, sank dying, ere the summit they could gain.

LUTHER'S love of toleration perished _here_ by congelation;

_There_ the too great elevation turned NAPOLEON'S seething brain;

_Here_ a whirlwind caught DESCARTES and swept him downward to the plain.

And the day is well nigh ended, as against the steep extended,

Each by each in turn befriended, each to each for succour clings;

While the tempest, well nigh brushing us away sweeps down, and gushing

From our very path come rushing mighty rivers' snow-fed springs,

And the avalanche's roar through far off glens and valleys rings;

But, a glimpse sometimes espying, through the clouds beneath us flying,

Of the plain all peaceful lying, of the paths by which we came,

Or, along the road before us, of the fame close hanging o'er us--

Where the high celestial chorus greeting every one by name,

Sings; "O! Hasten, favoured mortals! Hasten to the House of Fame!"--

Pressing upwards at a pace, meant for success, we reach the basement.

Shattered is each door and casement; ruined are the lower halls,

Not a word by us is spoken, seeing statues long so broken

That of what they were no token yet remains, and crumbling walls

Whence the mouldering tablet, carved with long-forgotten letters, falls.

Through these chambers sadly wending, and to other halls ascending,

Newer they appear, though tending slowly to a like decay;

ARISTOTLE'S, PLATO'S pages, which, through long succeeding ages,

O'er the minds of other sages held so absolute a sway;

Panels, which APELLES used, with all the colours worn away;

Witty jests of PERIANDER; bulletins of ALEXANDER;

Systems of ANAXIMANDER; fossil _Pterodactyles_ found

In the old Homeric strata; speeches that could once create a

New soul in a dying state, or burst the chains a tyrant bound;

Once loved arts and cherished customs; moulder on the dusty ground.

To the higher rooms approaching, still we find the new encroaching

On the old; the Moderns poaching coolly on the Ancients' land.

NIEBUHR'S stern determination many an ancient reputation

Tumbles from its lofty station; HARDOUIN'S sacrilegious hand

Threatens Virgil; SHEPHERD scarce will let one ancient father stand.

Nay, our predecessors hearing our approach, and greatly fearing

Hurt from us, on our appearing, mostly haste to give us way;

BREWSTER with delight is glowing, laurels won from NEWTON showing;

CUVIER yields his wreath to OWEN, DAVY _his_ to FARADAY;

HUME does homage to MACAULAY; FIELDING welcomes THACKERAY.

But though on the topmost story now we stand, we know our glory

Shall at best be transitory; brief our triumph is, though proud,

For, far down the mountain glancing, rays, that set for us, are dancing

On the rapidly advancing columns of a mighty crowd;

As their leaders cheer them on we hear them shouting long and loud.

That, as ours was, so their race is; that their course our track defaces;

That they crave our hard-won places; thrills us like a sudden flame;

And the high celestial chorus once again descending o'er us,

As of old it would implore _us_, sings, to urge _them_ on, the same

Strain of "Hasten, favoured mortals! Hasten to the House of Fame!"

* * * * *

NEW AMERICAN MOVEMENT.

[Illustration]

Somebody writing from Naples, about Music, to a fashionable

contemporary, says:--

"I know, too, more than half-a-dozen Americans who have left their

gold cupidity behind them, and are now in Italy, living in small

dirty back rooms with a piano-forte, practising _solfeggios_, with

the intention of becoming singers of Italian opera."

The development and cultivation of music in the soul of America may,

perhaps, tend to arrest the progress of Filibusterism, and other

stratagems and spoils; including the spoliation of black liberty: and to

render the airs which JONATHAN sometimes gives himself--on the fishery

question for instance--tolerable. But it will in all probability produce

results yet more extraordinary. A go-ahead people will not be content to

stop short at operas and concerts. Music will be utilized; applied to

political and social purposes; employed to enhance the charms of

eloquence, and adorn the wisdom of statesmanship. Patriots will sing

bravuras at caucus or in Congress on behalf of freedom: and Presidents

will express themselves in notes arranged to form symphonies; whilst the

foreign policy of the States will take the form of overtures. The

unseemly contests which sometimes occur in the Legislature will be

replaced by grand scenas; and the stump-orator that now is will become a

stump-warbler: whilst the mob will respond in chorus. American song will

be famous all the world over, and command immense engagements, being

paid for--as no doubt it will be delivered--through the nose.

* * * * *

A BISHOP IN DISTRESS.

It is seldom that signals of distress are hoisted from the episcopal

bench; but the signals in question have actually been hung out recently

on behalf of the BISHOP OF DURHAM. One of the "friends of the Church"

has made the melancholy calculation that the good Bishop is in such an

impoverished state that, after making sundry deductions, the

poverty-stricken prelate has scarcely more than seven thousand a year to

live upon. Considering how bishoprics go in the present day, we are

astonished how the prelacy of Durham can pay at the price, and how, in

fact, the bishop can manage to do it for the money.

We shall probably be told next that it is a losing concern, and that the

occupant of the wretchedly seedy see is about to give it up in

consequence of his being "out of pocket." We recommend the Bench of

Bishops to fraternise with the cabmen in making one common stand against

the system of reduced fares to which both have been doomed in obedience

to the modern principles of economy. The Bench may object to the

association, but it is clear there is some affinity between the

episcopal and the other class, for the cabman can drive his horse, while

both cabman and bishop can drive a bargain.

* * * * *

A MYSTERIOUS VISITOR.

Among the recent visitors to London we find notified an extraordinarily

dense fog. This visitor, though somewhat obscure, created considerable

sensation, and a sort of general illumination was got up by the London

shopkeepers on the occasion. The fog arrived by the Thames, and made so

much of the short time of remaining that the visitor was nearly all over

London in a very brief period.

* * * * *

STANDING BY THEIR ORDERS.

Frenchmen having foreign orders are, by a recent decree, to be allowed

henceforth to wear them. If the French boot-maker in Regent Street

should really wear all the foreign orders he receives he will be papered

from head to foot, and it will be necessary for him to wear an

additional placard requesting bill-stickers to beware, to prevent them

from mistaking him for a hoarding on which bills may be exhibited.

* * * * *

[Illustration: "GENTLE SUBSCRIBER! DID YOU EVER SEE TWO STRANGE

ENGLISHMEN BREAKFASTING AT A TABLE D'HOTE ABROAD. WELL! ISN'T IT A

CHEERFUL THING?"]

* * * * *

GREAT AND LITTLE SPORTSMEN.

[Illustration: O]

Our fashionable contemporaries have been amusing their readers with the

details of how many birds have been bagged by my Lord This, or the

Honourable Captain Tother; and, as every class has a peculiar interest

attached to it, we have been at some pains to collect the results of the

sporting season among a somewhat humble order of individuals. The best

accounts assure us that the DISHONOURABLE BILL SOAMES bagged no less

than twenty pocket-handkerchiefs in a few hours, and brought down--off a

clothes' line--everything within his reach. In the juvenile sporting

circles MASTER JONES bagged twenty blue-bottles off his own pop-gun, and

young SMITH had a splendid run after a butterfly with a few young dogs

of about his own age.

* * * * *

ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS TO JARDIN DES PLANTES.

The following brief note has been forwarded by the Rhinoceros of our

Zoological Gardens to Cow, the Rhinoceros of the Jardin des Plantes:--

"DEAR COW,--The French papers say you're the first rhinoceros in Europe

since the time of the Romans. Gammon! I've been here more than these two

years. But then, as it's only London, what should Frenchmen know about

it?

Yours, from the bottom of my tank, R."

* * * * *

CHINA AND BACK--IN NO TIME!

The Chinese revolution threatens to lead to other revolutions, not only

in England, but in Europe generally. As prognosticated by the _Times_,

tourists are making quite a rush to the Celestial Empire. The CHUM-LI'S,

CHOO-HOONS, MAR-CH-BANKS, and other Belgravian mandarins have already

beat a precipitate retreat from Paris, Baden-Baden, and such

common-place places, and have arrived at their respective mansions with

a view to arrange passages to Pekin by the "tidal trains." Valets are

busy packing and directing port-mantchoos (oh!) for the scene of the

contentions of the MANTCHOO dynasty, and the youthful scions of

Belgravia are already letting their tails grow in anticipation of the

tour. To these latter, _Punch_ would whisper a caution: _they eat little

dogs in China_. "Chinese in six lessons," "Chinese without a master,"

may now be seen placarded everywhere; while our old friend DR. BOWRING

is busily engaged, and will shortly publish a Pekin guide book, with

dialogues for every possible occasion, which will enable the reader to

distinguish a Joss house from a Pagoda, and to ask for a "little more

bird's nest," in the most approved accent. Those who are prevented by

business or means from visiting this new fashionable resort, will

doubtless become familiar with the manners and customs of Pekin through

the medium of panoramas, or by becoming guests at the Feast of Lanterns

and the flow of oil, as held at the Surrey Zoological.

* * * * *

THE BEST CHRISTIAN.

MR. COBDEN would be "sorry to see this country fighting for

Mohammedanism." So should we. But in fighting against NICHOLAS of Russia

for ABDUL-MEDJID of Turkey, we opine that we should fight for

considerably the best Christian of the two. Who was the better

Samaritan? The Russian who would have betrayed the victims of Austria:

or the Turk, who at the cannon's mouth protected them?

* * * * *

FASHIONS FOR OCTOBER.--Bonnets will be worn on the small of the back.

* * * * *

[Illustration: SUBJECT FOR A CHINESE HISTORICAL PICTURE.

THE BROTHER OF THE MOON AND PARTICULAR FRIEND OF THE SUN HAVING HIS TAIL

CUT OFF BY THE REBELS.--(_All the horrible details from very scarce

Plates._)]

* * * * *

TO CORRESPONDENTS.

AN ENQUIRING MIND (Finsbury) requests that we will give him an

historical sketch of Philosophy generally, with biographies of its

principal professors, and an analysis of their corresponding or

contradicting tenets. He also wants to know what is good for corns, and

he particularly desires answers to both his requisitions this week.--On

the first point we must refer him to any Encyclopaedist, and on the

second to any Chiropodist.

BISMILLAH.--Turkey is certainly in Europe, but there is also a Turkey in

Asia. There are doubtless wild turkeys in America. But we suspect that

some one has been hoaxing you about the four Turkeys. To your second

enquiry, about "the directest way for you to become a Member of

Parliment" (usually spelt Parliament), we reply that you had better

commence by an educational process, which you cannot take up at too

early a stage.

ROBERT BLOGGS.--We never before met with the lines you sent, commencing

_To be, or not to be, that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler, &c._

We agree with you in thinking that they are probably from some play. But

perhaps some of our readers can furnish the information.

ALBINIA E. M. has no reason to be "afraid" of our "sarcastic speeches."

We never make any. Besides, her handwriting is very pretty, and we dare

say corresponds with her face. But in reference to her petition that we

will "manage to introduce her to some nice, clever man, with dark eyes,

at least L400 a year, and a turn for music," we must pause. Is she sure

she is in earnest? Our young men do not like their affections to be

sported with. Let her ask her own heart, write again, abstain from

sealing with a fourpenny bit, and spell "intense" with an "s," not a

"c."

AMOR VIRTUTIS is informed that we cannot tell him where to get skeleton

keys made.

NON MI RICORDO, and numerous other correspondents are apprised that we

believe the lady was born about the end of the reign of King George the

Second. But her address is in the _Court Guide_, and they had better

apply to her personally. We do not profess to keep a Register Office.

SAUCY LIZZY.--The best cosmetic is health. Rise early, take exercise,

read _Punch_, and be asleep before dark, and you will not need "washes,"

which, as the _Vicar of Wakefield_ says, do no end of mischief. But if

you must use anything of the kind, a little cantharides and mustard,

rubbed into a paste with turpentine, laid on over night, and the face

washed with sulphuric acid in the morning, will probably produce an

alteration. But, Lizzy, on no account use it unless made up by a

chemist.

A YOUTHFUL ASPIRER.--We happen, at this moment, to want neither "poetry"

_nor_ "a boy as can black boots and run errands," but should a vacancy

occur in either department, we will bear you in mind. Your "Lines to the

Two Warrens" scarcely do justice either to the Blacking or the Blackwood

one.

J. WHEELER BLASHBY (or some such name).--How can _we_ tell you where to

get a hippopotamus? But we could tell you where to get a writing master,

who would be a much better "companion for your leisure hours."

MUSIDORA.--We need hardly say that we do recognise the hand, and with

pleasure. Your grace's secret is, of course, perfectly safe with us, and

we should write privately, but have no right to disturb a lady's

_incog._ As your grace is pleased to prefer periwinkles we must bow, but

a good deal may be said for whelks. We cannot, however, concur in your

opinion of the music of _Rigoletto_, which we must, with all deference,

pronounce "stunning." Your enclosure shall be duly forwarded to the

Marquis.

ARCHIMEDES.--Yes, logarithms and decimals mean the same thing, and to

reduce decimals into the concrete formula of logarithms, it is only

necessary to extract the cube root and take the middle term (of course

omitting fractions) until the tangents have for their basis the sine of

the complement. Any charity boy could show you the process.

S. F. (Leeds).--We are surprised at such ignorance in a place of

progress like Leeds. The Letters of Junius were not written by any man,

but by Lady Mary Wortley Montague, who conveyed them to the press

through her friend John Evelyn, author of the poem of _Silver_ (on which

Phillips founded his, of the _Splendid Shilling_), and she took the name

of Junius as a sort of joke, because at the time of writing them she

wore one of the Brutus crops introduced at the French Revolution.

JACK ROBINSON.--Rather, and before you could mention your own name. But

when you send us grouse, send a leash, not a brace.

MACDONALD PAUL says, that the family of Skirwharmlie is Scotch, and its

members have been worthy to rank with many of whom Scotia is most proud.

Owing to the unfortunate prejudices of past ages against treason, arson,

cattle stealing, and the like, the family was continually decimated by

judicial interposition, but its representative keeps, or kept (for the

police are very tyrannical) a marine store shop near Old Gravel Lane.

ROSE AND MATILDA.--Very much ashamed of both of you. To write to two

officers whom you do not know, making them offers of marriage, might,

under certain circumstances, be defended. But to tie your letters to the

necks of two kittens, and to fling the inoffensive creatures in at the

military party's windows, was contrary to all etiquette. Pray abstain

from such demonstrations, if you wish us to think you ladies.

HEIR-AT-LAW.--We are afraid we cannot assist you in tracing your

relative. There was, we think, a person named Smith living either in

Clapham or Shoreditch during the early part of the present century, and

you might search the registries of the churches there. It may aid you in

identifying the party, if we add that he was in the habit of smoking a

good deal on Saturday evenings. We shall be happy if our information

enables you to recover your estate and title.

RUNIC.--Your lines are very pretty, and shall appear as soon as ever we

can make room for them, probably in September or October, 1873. You need

not wait until their appearance before sending the game.

JUVENIS.--The epigram is by MARTIAL, and runs, correctly, thus:--

_Spes prima facie largo factotum amicus,

Curiae per contra nil desperandum gratis._

Which may be translated--but, on second thoughts, we invite our young

classical friends to send us in their translations of this very terse

and sparkling epigram. The name of the first and second best shall be

given, as also that of the worst, if he lets us know it.

JOSHUA R.--We are not aware that the "Finding the Dead Body of Harold"

has ever been made the subject of a painting, but now you have suggested

it, we have no doubt that some artist will take the idea with

thankfulness. We are always glad to be the vehicle for conveying such

hints, and may mention that we have often wondered that neither _Gil

Blas_, nor the _Vicar of Wakefield_ has supplied subjects for painters.

MURPHY.--We do not profess to be weatherwise, but we believe that it has

been observed, that before rain swallows fly high, dogs are unusually

brisk and active and will not eat grass, waterfowl keep on the surface

of the water, fish bite greedily, toads disappear, and sheep and cattle

seem remarkably calm and comfortable. We can hardly tell you "how to

avert the consequences of rain," but a good deal might be done by

staying within doors.

A MOTHER.--Your excuse is a common one, but it is your business to know

that he is out. Respecting the demand of your youngest son for cigar

money and a latch key, we think you perfectly justified in refusing

either until he is eight years old. And though we consider all coercion

as objectionable, we cannot blame you for fastening the street door

top-bolt, which is above his reach, to prevent his going alone to

Vauxhall at half-past eleven at night. But beware of severity, and talk

to him of the beauty of virtue, and the social advantages of

subordination.

BACKFIN.--Sturgeon abound in the Hampstead ponds, but as they belong to

the Lord of the Manor, Sir T. M. Wilson, no one will fish for them. We

have ourselves taken salmon, in the New River, of from sixty to eighty

pounds, but the tall iron railings sadly interfere with an artistic

throw of the fly. We doubt whether the fine trout you describe can be

caught in Peerless Pool. From off the terrace of the Houses of

Parliament, now that the session is over, anglers are seen hooking John

Doreys and smelts daily, but it is stated that the fag ends of the

members' cigars have given them a cabbagy flavour.

A NOVICE.--Always happy to give any information on etiquette. If you are

on the top of an omnibus, and see a lady walking, to whom you are but

slightly known, call out "Hi!" and kiss your hand to her in a facetious

manner. If she be of superior rank, it is usual, though not necessary,

to put your hat on the end of your stick and spin it round, but

discretion must be your guide. True politeness is that which places

every one at ease.

ADA JANE.--We suspect poor ADA JANE is in rather an awkward position. We

cannot see how she is to prevent her cousin's marriage with the young

nobleman to whom ADA JANE herself has taken a liking. She might,

certainly, go to the intended bride's mother, represent her own

feelings, and ask her to give up the cousin's brilliant match--such

things are done on the stage. But we doubt whether it would do in

Belgravia. Let ADA JANE catch a young nobleman for herself, there are

plenty about.

HENRY E. (Walton).--How can that be? The square of the half of any chord

of a circle is equal to the product of the sagittae of the opposite arcs,

that is, the segments of the diameter bisecting the chord, or the versed

sines of half the opposite arcs. From this the Jews argue, and we agree

with Colonel Sibthorp in thinking they argue rightly, that no man can,

by self-measurement, get a decent fit from a tailor.

W. W. and F. F.--Your account of your ascent of Primrose Hill is very

exciting, but the feat has been performed before. To be sure, we observe

that, like some other gentlemen who just now write to the papers about

their "Ascents of Mont Blanc," you failed in reaching the top; but even

this remarkable feature in the performance scarcely entitles you to

publicity.

AFFECTIONATE EMMA.--Your "Lines to My Little Brother (aged 23/4), on

his accidentally Sitting down upon some Stinging Nettles," have point

and pensiveness, but scarcely sufficient interest for the general

reader. Still we hope your brother is better.

CHARLEY, having been thrown over by a young lady, wishes to return

everything she has ever sent him, but finds a difficulty, from the fact

that, her papa having been a pastrycook, her presents chiefly consisted

of jam tarts, Albert rock, and the like, which CHARLEY has eaten long

ago. The dilemma is new and delicate, but if CHARLEY'S conscience is

tender, he had better estimate the price of the articles, and enclose it

to the old Pattypan, from whom Miss had clearly no right to take them.

But, as has been classically said, _Jams ate is_.

BELLICOSUS JOCOSUS.--You may obtain a commission in the army, by leaving

your card at Lord Hardinge's any day before four o'clock, and by calling

for an answer next day. You may give the servant one shilling. This

applies to the line only. To become a guardsman, call at the Junior

United Service Club any evening between six and nine, walk boldly into

the dining-room, and state your wish to any party who may be dining

together. The rest of the process you will find very simple.

A BRIDE.--Do not distress yourself. Very likely he loves you sincerely,

and his winking at the bridesmaid might be mere accident--the whisper

was probably to tell her how pretty you looked--and the pressure of her

hand gratitude for her ready acknowledgment of it. Even the note may be

explained; it was the address to which she is to forward some present

for you. Never worry yourself about trifles--you have married him, and

she is cut out. Go on your tour rejoicing.

JEUNE PHILOSOPHE.--Matter is, no doubt, as you contend, an integral part

of cognate consciousness; but do not push this law to an absurdity. If

homogeneous self-antipathies come into conflict with inchoate

rationalism, where will you draw the line between casuality and

causality? Hadn't you better shut up?

ANXIOUS JEMIMA.--There is no rule as to the number of clergymen

requisite at a wedding. One able-bodied clerk in orders can do all that

is necessary. The "assisting" system is a ridiculous custom, introduced

by the Puseyites, by way of assimilating the ceremony to that of Rome.

At the same time, we admit that a clergyman has a hard duty to perform

in managing _some_ couples, and it is probably in these cases that he

calls in extra hands. Look at the announcements with that idea in your

mind.

SIGHT-SEER.--You may walk into Buckingham Palace whenever you please,

and without any ticket. But when you enter the rooms in which any of the

Royal Family are sitting, you should put out your cigar, and politeness,

if not loyalty, dictates your making some complimentary remark on the

elegance of the building. If you have apples or other fruit in your

pocket, you may offer them to the younger Princes and Princesses; but we

believe there is an objection to their R. H. accepting slices of

cocoa-nut, or toffy.

WILLIAM P.--We think the young lady was quite justified in slamming the

door in your face, and in throwing the geranium pots at you from the

two-pair window; indeed, we do not see how any person calling herself a

lady could have acted otherwise.